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No doubt if your son was obsessed with gaming he certainly played games high. Probably his preferred method of playing internet games was high. While we can all debate the value or problems associated with internet gaming by teenagers who sometimes prefer the dazzling screen action over going outside on a nice sunny day, one thing appears certain: gaming will be a trigger for the addict who is trying to stay clean post discharge from a drug rehab. He will not be able to play without feeling urges to abuse drugs.
Therefore, one approach is to ask for a 90-day commitment prior to discharge to refrain from all game playing. After the first 90 days we could have a discussion about "limited play."
A second approach was to limit game playing right from the start, using internet gaming on Saturday only (for example) and then only if all other recovery and behavior goals are met. This second approach trades some triggering on Saturdays in hopes of getting a more-highly motivated youth Sunday through Friday.
There is no single recommended method. Knowing your teenager is important. It is also important to know what you are willing to enforce. For example, if you know that you are going to cave in and allow gaming anyway once your youth gets home then it's better not to make it part of the contract. If you do make it part of the contract and your teenager realizes that you have caved on that item it sends a message that the contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on.
At the point of our role-play we did at PSST, release was not imminent. Because there was weeks before discharge it allowed the parents to just express that they were "NOT COMFORTABLE" with the gaming. They did not yet make a final decision on gaming, but it's starting to not look to good for gaming and of course the teenager is beginning to panic. This gave the parents to a chance to practice one of our basic parenting tools, "I'm not comfortable with that."
Not only is this tool good for addressing the topic of gaming, but it is good structuring in general. In other words, it shows that it matters whether or not the parent feels comfortable. Too often the comfortability level of the parents have meant nothing. If there is an argument about whether or not Johnny can go out, the debate focuses on what Johnny says he is going to do, who Johnny says he is going to hang out with, and whether or not the parents can trust Johnny to do that. It sort of goes unspoken that the parents are not really comfortable, but if they can't prove that something bad is going to happen they sort of have to give Johnny the benefit of the doubt.
Somehow as parents we have bought into the premise that if we can't really "prove" that a certain thing is bad, then it would be unfair if we did not allow our teenager to go ahead and try it. Therefore, we argue about it. And our teenagers are relentless debaters and more often than not, we lose the debate.
On the other hand if the premise weren't about proving anything, but was rather about whether or not parents felt comfortable then there would be no argument (except in certain circumstances where things could change to the point where a parent would feel more comfortable.)
Note: Feeling "uncomfortable" is not exactly the same as feeling "Not Comfortable." Saying, "I'm not comfortable with that" carries more weight than saying "I'm uncomfortable with that." Being uncomfortable is riding a water ride at Kennywood and now your socks and underwear are damp. Instead, looking your teen in the eye and stating "I'm Not Comfortable with that," and putting the emphasis on "Not" is stronger. Either will work, but one is stronger.
The following role-play was inspired by the one we did at PSST; however, this went in a somewhat different direction than that one did. As is so often the case, once I start writing a role-play the characters seem to have a mind of their own and I just go with it.
Mom: I'm Not Comfortable with the idea that you will be discharged from this drug rehab, and go back to your obsession with gaming.
Teen: You mean I can't play x-box? Why?
Mom: I'm just not comfortable with it.
Teen: Well if I'm being punished then, at least give me a reason. I mean I agreed to come here, now I'm being punished.
Mom: OK, OK, you are right.
CTeen: I am?
Mom: Yes, you are- you deserve a reason but all I'm saying is that you won't like the reason.
Teen: Well, what is it?
Mom: Parent leans in, [lowers her voice, looks her son right in the eye]"Son, I'm NOT comfortable with you returning to People, Places or Things of your addiction."
Teen: What? that's stupid!
Mom: Yes, I suppose it is stupid in some ways.
Teen: If you agree that it's stupid, then why?
Mom: I just think that this whole addiction thing has taken us through the looking glass and lot's of things just seem ridiculous now, nevertheless, I am Not Comfortable with you returning to People, places and things of your addiction!
Teen: That's stupid. Mom, I got high a lot right here in our house. Right up in my room, in the bathroom, and in the basement. Does that mean I can't go in the bathroom to take a crap anymore cause if that's what you're thinking I got to find a new place to take a dump, don't I?
Mom: Yes, that is an excellent point.
Teen: It is?
Mom: Yes, because it shows how ridiculous this whole thing has become. I can't expect that you don't use the bathroom can I?
Teen: I hope not.
Mom: So, you're saying that since I can't stop or control you from going back to some of your People, Places and Things that I shouldn't try to stop you from returning to any of them?
Teen: Yes, that's what I'm saying. Don't try to work my program for me.
Mom: OK, there's another good point. Regardless, I have to tell you I am Not Comfortable with you going back to gaming after you discharge from here.
Teen: So what? I'm going to game anyway.
Mom: I'm not comfortable with that.
Teen: So what?
Mom: Well, I was hoping that while you were in here you'd made significant changes.
Teen: I have! Ask my counselor if you don't believe me! I've made tons of changes, for crying out loud, I'm Community Leader here now, you know that right?
Mom: Yes, I know that Son and I'm very proud of you for all that you've done in here. Still, I'm disappointed too.
Teen: Oh geeze, there really is no pleasing you. You'll always find something to complain about.
Mom: Yes I am good at that somtimes, huh?
Teen: [rolls eyes] Let's hear it, what are you disappointed about?
Mom: Well, it never used to matter to you what I was not comfortable about. If I told you not to bring your friends over you'd do it anyway. If I told you to lower your music, you would refuse. Remember?
Teen: Yeah, but I was using then.
Mom: True. Regardless, I am not comfortable with you returning to gaming for the first 90 days after your discharge and that apparently means nothing to you, just like before. You know in some ways I'm not so sure that you've really changed that much. OH sure hold on, I am very proud of you for being Community Leader. I just wish I saw more of a commitment from you to follow rules and to accept my being in charge- especially when you don't agree with the rules or if you don't like th rules. But instead, I think we are going to bump heads a lot, do you think I'm wrong?
This can go on and on. The point is that mom is going to have this discussion about whether or not her teen has changed and Jeanne Ann from Gateway, who sat in our Wexford meeting, pointed out that it's important to have the discussion with the teen about whether or not the teen has changed. And remember too that if it appears that the teen has not really changed some strong consideration should be given to not coming right home after rehab but going to a halfway house first.
Teen: Well if you think you're calling all the shots after I get out I got a news flash for you Mom!
Mom: Oh?
Teen: You're not coming up with a bunch of new rules cause I'm not going to even pretend that I'm going along with that! Look, I came here, I became Community Leader and now I'm better, and I get to come home and resume my F***ing life!!! And you're not going to stop me. I won't do drugs but I'm doing it my way, you understand?
Mom: Oh I hear you. Loud and clear.
Teen: [glares]
Mom:: I'm glad we had that out.
Teen: Why?
Mom: Because you told me where you stand. I like that. You're right too, there's no sense in pretending that things have change.
Teen: Things have changed! I'm done with drugs.
Mom: Well that part I'm very happy about. But I mean things between you and me. You did what you wanted to do no matter what I said before, and now you are honest enough to clue me in that none of that part has changed.
Teen: No, that's no what I said! You're putting words in my mouth!
Mom: I'm sorry?
Teen: I will follow your rules completely as long as they make sense, but I'm not following the stupid ones.
Mom: OK, so that is a little different, you are willing to follow the rules that you agree with. OK, well Son I've got to be as honest with you as you've been with me, OK?
Teen: What?
Mom: I'm Not Comfortable with you coming straight home after rehab. I think we need to talk halfway houses.
Teen: Are you F***ing crazy?
Mom: Yes, probably I am but also you used to use all that profanity at home before rehab. Son, I'm Not Comfortable with that language either. That's another thing I had hoped you would change.
Teen: OK OK, see that's rule that makes sense, I'll watch the way I talk to you, but halfway house now that's not even recommended by my therapist! Do you realize that I'm Community Leader here?
Mom: You mentioned it, yes.
Teen: Well you can't do this to me! I'm definitely playing my X-box when I get home!
Mom: I'm not comfortable with you coming straight home.
Teen: What? Where did that come from?
Mom: I just think you're going to need more help and you and I are going to bump heads a LOT!
Teen: OK, OK, I'll limit the gaming like on Mondays I will not game at all; OK you happy with that? You are such a [pause] wait I won't say it right now, but gee whiz Mom I think if you don't ease up I am going to have to go back to getting high just to deal with YOU!
Mom: Good point!
Teen: What?
Mom: Well I am a trigger for you too. Look, honey I'm going to tour that halfway house, I'm thinking that this is too important not to trust my gut on this one and I'm just NOT Comfortable.
Teen: OK, look I won't hardly game at all, just on weekends if that makes you happy but please Mom, please do not say anything to my counselor about a halfway house. Please, I'm begging you please promise me that you'll keep this between us? OK?
Mom: Exactly! Because honey that's what just what I used to do! I used to not tell you father, your grandparents, your teachers or your friend's parents that I was worried sick about your growing drug problem. I was wrong. I was really wrong and that was such a big mistake. Today, I'm Not Comfortable keeping secrets. So yes, I will be speaking with your therapist.
Teen: I'm so done talking to you. You need help. You need to go see someone I'm going back to the unit.
Mom: OK, well we'll talk about this later! Bye honey...
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