How much of your time with your teenager is spent on control issues? Ten, twenty-five, fifty, even 75 percent? Higher? Of course there are extenuating circumstances, the biggest one being that your teens behavior needs confronting all the time. Even so, how much of this is repetitive? We think that by repeating our lectures and messages etc. that they will have more impact; however, the more we repeat ourselves with teens the more we might be counter-productive. Perhaps our teenager has nothing to say. Maybe they spend all their time in their room? Still, in this post I want to challenge you as to whether or not you can have more "not teachable moments" with your teenager.
When our teenager is actively abusing drugs all focus naturally is on trying to help him decide to stop abusing drugs. It doesn't feel like we have the luxury of chit chat. Once our teenager stops abusing drugs we sometimes just don't know how to get back in that "let's get to know each other mode."
Another window of opportunity to get to know our teens is when we become Straw Bosses. If for some reason our teenager doesn't live with us and we no longer have the same power to exert over them, we become Straw Bosses. Now we do have the luxury to build a better relationship but we might not know where to start. Now we aren't the family policemen but maybe we don't know what to say.
This is where we can consult the ordinary teen/ parent relationships for information.
For example, I found this five questions You Must Ask Your Teen Right Now. The author calls these character defining questions.
What is the most important quality a person can have? I love that one. Hazard a guess as to what your teen will answer and then go ask your teen. If you're surprised,that's a good thing to admit to your teenager. We all like to be a surprise, and none of us like to think of ourselves as being too predictable.
"What is the hardest thing about your life, what do you worry about most?" Too many of our teens would say "Probation!" Or would they?
"What are three words to describe you?" Hmmm,I'm not sure I can give you three words to describe me but it really does make you think. I guess that's the point.
Sometimes these are points from which discussions happen. They can't really give you a wrong answer. It's their opinion and you are showing them by asking that you value their opinion.
In the role-play we did in group, the parent asked the teenager for his opinion about an important decision that the parent was going to make. It wasn't something threatening like, "I think I'm going to leave your father" or "I think your Dad cheated on me, what do you think?" Obviously, you would have boundaries regarding what you ask your child for advice. Some things should be off limits. But it was something about the parent considering whether or not to take on a new job. The parent showed that he cared for for the teen's opinion. If we want to raise children who have the ability to form good opinions, then it follows that we treat them as though they have opinions that we value. Also, like these conversation starters they help us as parents to develop a different interaction with our children that isn't all about controlling their behavior. If over 75 percent of our interaction with our children is about teachable moments the maybe we can boost the not teachable moments interactions.
Another thing that I've considered. If I wanted my teens to talk to me, I should be willing to talk to them. Not that there is anything wrong with periods of silence, but sharing things with my teenagers like what I'm going through perhaps at work or in my personal relationships is sometimes OK, depending on what exactly it is that I'm sharing. I'm letting them get to know me and my values. I'm teaching values and at the same time I'm modeling for them how to share things with each other. Then I try to be very patient. There will come a time when they talk. Hopefully, it will happen from time to time.
Let's keep this in mind too. Talking and sharing is a voluntary act. Yes, you are the parent and sometimes you are entitled to information especially in 911 situations like failed drug tests, stolen money, and other accountability issues; however, squeezing kids for information about what happened in sports or what happened in school, what's going on with their friends is a good way to set up resentments. We have to respect that they don't want to share everything. Sometimes they are afraid that they will look bad or that they will open themselves up for criticism. Don't forget that when you sense that your teen is feeling bad about something that they are trying to share use a supportive phrase like, "Don't beat yourself up." This seems to help the teen share more and now he feels that you are on his side. Or you might also say, "Hey, I'm on your side." That does not mean that you agree with everything they say. For example, if your child feels that they are the reason their team lost the game and you believe that might be true because you know they should have passed the ball more and not tried to make every goal all by themselves you might say it like this:
Parent: "Hey, don't beat yourself up. It's one game.
Teen: Yeah, but it's my fault we lost. I played bad. I don't want to talk about it."
Parent: Well, yeah it's hard when you feel that way, but like I said, don't beat yourself up. Sure next time you'd probably try to pass more.
Teen: Oh yeah, I thought I could win the game all by myself but I'm a screw up. When the pressure was on, when it really counted and when the coach and all my teammates were counting on me, I couldn't come through.
Parent: Well yeah, that's hard. You're harder on yourself than anyone else.
Teen: Na, they all know I screwed up. They hate me.
[Pause] [Parent does not want this to turn into an argument about whether he is a screw up so he just thinks quietly for a second. He wants to make an "agreeing statement" but he is keen to avoid coming right out and saying "Oh yeah, you are the screw-up of the year aren't you?"
Parent: Look, I'm not sure it matters to you what I think but I'm just going to say it. The way you feel about the game going badly and how willing you are to take responsibility for the loss, it just shows how passionate you are about the game. You're really a competitor, a real fighter.
[Pause]
Parent: That's one of the things I admire about you.
Teen: What?
Parent: That you are a fighter. You know there are going to be times when you lose, and boy when that happens it really hurts. But you take that chance. And you keep coming back. Right now it really hurts, but just so you know, I love it that you're willing to get out there and risk all that hurt just to compete, to play, and you know, to leave it all out there on the field.
We will be imitated. It's inevitable. For example, if go through spats where we are punishing our children by giving them the silent treatment, then don't be surprised when they are teenagers and they are upset with us, that they return the favor. Now we are on the receiving end of the silent treatment. Once again it's also important to consider that in everything we do we are modeling behavior for our children.
Dr. Phil has this to say:
"For Parents: How Well Do You Know Your Teen?
"The questions below address how much you know about your child. They can be answered with either "yes" or "no." Make sure you can truly answer each question if you are going to write "yes." Often people assume they know the answer, but when pressed, they really do not."
Click here to go to Dr. Phil's Connect The Parent, 20 things that you should know about your child.
Keep in mind that if you are firing off questions one after the other your teenager may be defensive. Also, don't ask things that are traps or in other words, don't ask things for which there are no good answers. For example, "I want to know why you cheated on the test." I mean, c'mon the teen knows that there is no good answer and somehow we believe that by asking them a question for which there is no good answer we create a teachable moment. If it were that easy we could just go tell them to stand in the corner.
In fact, a good idea is to throw the word "why" right out the window. Teens might not know why and if they do they are not likely to tell you if they feel that they are being judged. Instead, ask open ended questions such as tell me about ____. Open ended questions can't be answered in one word, so it leads to more open exchanges.
Also, everyone is really passionate about something. If and when we get a chance to talk about something we feel really passionate about, we almost can't help talking. That's where we want to go with our teenagers. Of course if the only thing that your teen is passionate about is drugs, sex, and what we consider to be bad music, then that might not be the way to go. Most teens are also passionate about one or two other things: a favorite movie, book, TV series, sport, hobbies, etc. Even if it is a video game! If the video game is the one thing that our teen is passionate about and we immediately say, "Oh I don't like video games, and you spend way too much time playing them," then we have shut ourselves off from one vital avenue. We don't have to become avid video player to just listen and show interest. "What's your most favorite thing about the game? What's one way you would improve the game if you were the game designer? If you designed your own game what would it look like? Do you think the violence in the game is problem for some of the players? Is there anything in the game that you think is too over done? etc.
Whatever it is good luck in building the relationship. Keep the door open. Keep talking. And when you are stuck, it's OK to say, "You know I'm not sure what to say about that. Let me think about that one." That means that there will round #2. :-)
Click here to go to the post on minimizing resentments in teens.
There is a place where you can go to get advice from teens. You have to pay for it. Click here to go to Advice From Teens page. Or if you want to save a buck just ask the one(s) you have at home.
2 comments:
There are so many good points in this post. I don't think one can ever talk too much with their teen. An open door of communication is a gateway to a great relationship! Talking with Lenny is so easy that we each go on our own verbal tangents, until I can occasionally steer it back to a controlled conversation. Sometimes, our interactions can become quite heated. It is not so much the frequency of the dialogue with Lenny, but the uncomfortable content for me. Lenny is straightforward about his sexual conquests and drug exploits, as though I was one of his buddies. I do not like that. Maybe he finds joy in its shock value. Considering that being estranged from our teens is always a real possibility, then I suppose unwanted discussions are better than being given the silent treatment. I already have 3 words to describe Lenny: sex, drugs, rocknroll. Although I think we will match in our answers, I'll still ask him.
I reflected quite a bit after reading your post. My thoughts initially were directed to the turbulent relationship history we have with Herman, rethinking with some new found clarity, all of the chaos that I had equally contributed to at times, especially while he was still living with us. But then I remember your words "Don't beat yourself up".
Now with Herman living on his own for 8 months,I guess I am a straw boss, although I feel more like the straw man from the Wizard of Oz when it comes to interacting with him these days. However unlike the scarecrow, I have finally given up trying how to figure this out.
As a straw boss, it is difficult to watch your child throw away opportunities and face consequences. I have discovered that some people are best loved from afar, for that is the case with Herman since he is still actively using.
We communicate via texts, very brief phone conversations, and even briefer face to face interactions. I read TMZ and Radar online, so I sometimes impress him with my knowledge of popular culture. We talk/text about music as well, for it seems my vinyls from the 70's and 80's are his taste now. It's a whole different style of parenting, but I am trying to love Herman for who he is, without expectations. The transition from contracts and close monitoring, to letting Herman be Herman, seems to have a large learning curve for me. I continually keep reminding myself that if it does not have my name on it, it is not my problem.
The only thing I know I can give to Herman is my unconditional love. I came across and bought a children's book that I plan to mail to Herman titled, "Wherever you are : My Love Will Find You" by Nancy Tillman. An excerpt reads;
"I wanted you more than you'll ever know, so I sent love to follow you wherever you go."
The book is written to be read to a young child, but the message conveyed is unconditional love, no matter where you are in life.
I think my last post stated that I felt like the world's worst mother, and there are many times when I still feel that way. Although it is a slow learning process,I am coming to discover that I am a better parent today than I was before addiction came into our lives.
Thank you Lloyd, Kathy T. and PSST.
Sincerely,
Jessica
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