Also, sometimes we have to make the same mistakes over and over until we get it. In recovery people talk about "getting sick and tired of being sick and tired."
The positive thing for most of the teenagers of our parents that come to PSST is that when our teenagers make mistakes, they usually don't get away with it. We apply consequences for bad decisions. We allow the natural consequences for bad decisions to take place, refusing to rescue our teens from the predicaments in which their bad judgment or drug abuse has put them. That helps the learning from failure thing to work.
One question that comes up a lot is this: Why, if they knew they would probably get caught, do they do it anyway? And searching for that answer sometimes leads one to surmise this: there must be something bothering them, that if we could just figure out what that is, and sort of fix it, address it, treat it, whatever it, and then they would not relapse.
Let's look a bit closer at this logic. They relapse. Therefore we didn't get to the real issue. "None of the rehab people were able to get my teen to talk about what was really bothering him. If he could talk about what was really bothering him, if someone could just get him to talk about it- he could stay clean." What makes this logic a tough nut to crack, is that there is some truth to it.
Yes, indeed there are issues galore. No, the teenager had not talked about all the issues. Would it help his recovery if someone could help him talk about all these issues? Probably. However, in recovery from highly addictive drugs, we must factor in one other huge thing to this equasion: EUPHORIA.
The extreme high that the addict feels is such a powerful reinforcer that it can outweigh the certain consequences that will follow. At the time the teen wants to get high, he doesn't care about the consequences because he knows that for a short time he will experience the bliss of drug use. The drive to get high can also be more important than whether or not certain issues have been resolved.
So, what are we left with? Are we powerless over our teen's recovery from addiction? Yes, of course. Only our teenager can decide that they want to change their life.
But are we powerless over our own parenting activities? Hopefully not. We can send powerful messages to our teen addict by the actions that we take or fail to take. And sometimes that can help. For example, since we know that recovery from highly addictive drugs happens more often when the addict is working a strong 12-step recovery program, we can devise parent-strategies geared to enhance or support the recovery process. Can we work our teenager's recovery program for him? Of course not. But if we know that our teenager is not serious about his recovery, we can see the relapse coming down the road. If a parent chooses not to address this- then all one can do is wait for the relapse. Of course we all know how risky that can be. Each relapse is not only devastating in so many ways but each relapse runs the risk of death.
If the addict is taking two steps back, they're pleading for rescuing can accelerate. As the addict becomes more and more desperate to continue his addiction he needs a prime enabler. This can be misinterpreted by his loved ones who are also his potential prime enablers. In other words, it can look a lot like the addict finally 'gets it' when, in fact, all he really gets is that he has to be more insistent, more urgent, and more manipulative in order to keep getting enabled.
Keeping in mind how powerful euphoria is, the consequences, both those provided by parents and/ or by life has to be at least equally as powerful. If it doesn't cost the addict anything, he will not change. Even if he has epiphany after epiphany, he may continue to abuse drugs and participate criminal activity.
"People change because they feel the heat, not because they see the light." (Ed from Gateway Greentree.)
It all comes down to this: the actions that a parent takes to stop enabling are the most important acts of love. Sometimes it's actions and sometimes it's just doing nothing at all except not rescuing. In either case, stopping enabling could be the hardest thing one does, watching while the addict tumbles and/ or spirals out of control.
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6 comments:
Good read Lloyd - especially at 4:53 AM (do you ever sleep?) Ed from Gateway Greentree summed it all up in our adventures with Andy. Jim, our other 3 Stooges and I are uncertain that Andy can ever turn his life around...2012 will be another roller coaster ride of ups and downs.
Thanks Cheryl, Jim, and Andy. Ed is published on our blog. I added a link to one of his posts just now.
"People change because they feel the heat, not because they see the light." (Ed from Gateway Greentree.)
I read this post and also felt it spoke directly to me. It seems we are continually setting up these parameters for Herman, with the hope that he will finally "get it", and not hurt himself or the community. Herman needs to do the work, we his parents can provide the support. It seems like we are all working harder than Herman.
I believe Ed from Gateway said it best. Roger and I had the pleasure of working with Ed . His insight and way of "teaching" (Roger and I learned much from him) is something I will never forget. Ed had a way of seeing straight through Herman, and offered us good advice early on in this journey, namely Herman needs to feel some heat.
As it stands,Herman is coming home next week. A good plan is in place that includes a strong supervision and therapeutic component. Sadly we are still doubtful, because he does not appear to be working a recovery program.
It is ultimately up to Roger and me to set up the final parameter, that being asking Herman to leave our home. This unfortunately could happen sooner than we could ever hope. Then it will be up to Herman to seek the help, and hopefully not hurt himself or anyone else in the process. Maybe he will prove us all wrong.
Thanks Lloyd, this post receives a 2 thumbs up !
Jessica,
good luck next week with Herman's homecoming.
Bam Bam has not followed judge's orders to go to 12-step meetings, I think he is dealing and today his behavior was worse than it's been with him storming out of the house and calling me names when I wouldn't give him money.
He also has hardly been in school this week. I'm hoping he gets some heat in court next week or I don't know what is going to happen. His life is centered on getting money, buying weed (or whatever else), getting high and doing it all again tomorrow. And LLoyd you are right that only our teenagers can change their lives. I feel like I am just buying him time until hopefully he gets it. I'm really afraid that something really bad is going to happen and hopefully it isn't too late for Bam Bam.
p.s. Great Post.
Wilma
Jessica, we have similar feelings about Dylan as you have about Herman – everyone is working harder than our son. It is finally sinking in that we can’t want Dylan’s recovery more than he wants it himself. Well, actually we can of course, and I guess at this point we probably still do – but it’s the road to nowhere.
Our son has found a substitute for drugs. He still desires euphoria, but it’s the euphoria of being in control, and it appears to be nearly as addictive as the euphoria that comes from abusing drugs. He is willing to risk everything for it – the chance for a home pass, the possibility of completing his placement successfully. How do we make him feel the heat? Being on the same page, remaining consistent, refusing to be manipulated, detaching with love – they seem so simple just typing these words, but oh how hard they are to put into practice! Thank goodness for our weekly meetings, the dedicated probation & therapeutic staff, the supportive parents, & this blog – they help us as we try to stay on course & maintain our sanity.
Jenn
Dylan is telling us, NOT but he's showing us that he needs more time in treatment. On some level it's the smartest thing he can do right now. It's certainly the safest thing he can do.
Would it be better if he was able to fake it up there and then come home and experience failure? That's a good teacher too but for now your story is taking you elsewhere.
Remember at PSST yesterday Alice and Ralph talked about how much worse their kids got when they changed their parenting? We mentioned the rat in the Skinner box who upon finding out that the bar no longer produces rewards, at first pushes the bar faster. It's as though the rat thinks, "Oh this must be broke, I have to push it faster." I think that Dylan is going though that phase where things get worse before they get better.
My instincts tell me that things are going along fine for Dylan. The changes that you two have made have paved the way for Dylan to receive real treatment in his placement. Now the placement is seeing the real Dylan.
This might be just a question of the time frame. Patience is easier written about than lived. If this were a novel, you are living through one of the more exciting chapters; however we can't see the whole story from this point.
It looks bleak. Despair is tempting. Don't give in. You've done your part now it's up to the Skinner box to do the rest!
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