Mitt Romney recently compared his campaign for the presidency to a teenager, saying “There are things you can do to improve the odds of a teenager making it through those teen years and being a productive adult. But it’s not entirely in your control.” How right he is!
While a teen is in placement, he can choose to follow the rules & earn his release, or he can choose to remain stubborn and find himself there for months longer than expected. He can embrace his recovery and a return to normalcy, or he can just go through the motions. He can commit himself to following home pass rules long enough to be successful, or he can go home with the intent to fail. He can agree to follow the rules of probation, or he can earn himself a stay in another placement. For a teen desperately in need of maintaining control, he is constantly deciding if he is willing to accept the consequences of his self-destructive actions, and so often the answer is YES.
Our son Dylan has been in placement now for 9 months. He has struggled mightily, breaking rules regularly and suffering the consequences. He earned Guide status & then lost it again. He has earned home passes, but refused some of them and failed the others. It is inexplicable to us, but he is following his own path. We don’t know if that path will lead him back to us or not. It’s not really something that we can control.
Teenagers & Control
Posted by:Jenn--Friday, January 27, 2012
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5 comments:
Great post. You put your finger on the heart of the matter. We are not powerless over ourselves, and there are certain things we can do that might help; ultimately it's up to Dylan.
In our culture (and in a government program like Juvenile Probation), we think of nine months as being a fairly long placement. But is it? To help a troubled teenager actually change his life is nine months a long time? Perhaps not. Years ago, Juvenile Probation routinely conducted much longer placements.
Dylan might know best. He's been telling us via his behavior that he needs a longer time in treatment.
He's not "skating through" treatment. Sometimes the teenagers who are sophisticated enough to do everything right all through what turns out to be a fairly short placement don't actually become impacted. They are released after three to five months but many of them fail and must return to placement a second and/ or a third time.
Dylan isn't skating along, he's struggling. Every day is another huge lesson for him.
Most importantly, you and Brad are making the best use of the time that Dylan is in treatment. You have been preparing.
Of course, it's natural to wonder "how much longer?" And now we're back to what we are powerless over.
"God grant me the SERENITY to
accept the things I cannot change;
COURAGE to change the things I can;
and WISDOM to know the difference."
My son Davy (age 17) came home on Thursday, after being in placement for 90 days. Each month there, he earned student of the month for his good behavior. This was Davy’s 4th time in rehab and 7th inpatient facility. I believe Davy knows what to do to get out of there, and then he returns to his old lifestyle. He is already asking to go out with some friends. It’s funny how all his friends are now clean again too.
Davy has pending probation for charges that his grandparents and I filed against him with the hopes of getting him on probation. His court date for that is in March. This past Thursday, was his Act 53 update. We had hoped that Davy was going to get placed on home monitoring or get a bracelet until his court date, like my younger son Herb (age 16) recently got since his court date isn’t till March also (the same date as Davy’s). Unfortunately, we didn’t know that Davy’s public defender for probation charges needed to be there for the judge to do that. So I guess we have to wait and see if Davy screws up first, and then I can call the pending probation officer and let her know. It’s too bad cause Davy actually was all ready for getting himself some “jewelry”. But he may get it yet, we’ll just have to wait and see.
So anyway Jenn, I think I like the way your son Dylan has been able to get himself a longer stay at his placement because it’s hard for them when they have to try staying clean on their own. As I can see from my two sons’ behavior. They really do have to want this for themselves.
I can already see that Davy and I will have some disagreements again. He wants to go out, and he also doesn’t need any NA meetings, for those are just there if he decides he needs extra support. His outpatient treatment will be in-the-home counseling with a d/a counselor. In the past, Davy always has a hard time with baby steps and earning trust back. He demands it back right away, but unfortunately for him, that doesn’t happen. Let the good times roll.
Cisco had some long placements and I remember that at times I was quite okay with him being there and then at other times I would get real sentimental and wish he was home. I think I got sentimental because I was starting to forget all the chaos he caused at home. The memory of the bad times fade when they are no longer at home causing bad times.
I see Lloyd's point of view about 'baby steps' taking a longer time but giving Dylan a better chance of staying clean when he does make it through the program.
My hope is that Dylan realizes that he has two loving parents who will not co-sign any bad behavior and that he slowly and surely wants to find the path to your door.
Bam Bam, like your sons, also wants to be in control. And like your son, Maddie, he does what he has to do to get out of placement and then goes right back to his old people, places and things. He says NA isn't for him since he's a kid and wants to enjoy being a kid. His friends will help him stay clean, keep him from getting in trouble. Ha! Even now on EHM with the ankle bracelet they are still texting him if he "needs any" and getting alcohol and chew for him to sneak into the house. (No more street corners you just get it in school!!).
I know, Jenn, it is hard having your son in placement for so long but I think Lloyd is right and that Dylan is demonstrating that he needs more time. You and Brad have been so strong through all of this. I'm sure, like me, you have your moments of breaking down but I think that's our new normal.
I agree with Sally, too, that when they are away you start to forget how bad things were before they left and romanticize how things will be better. I know I've done that-Bam goes away, is desperate to come home, will give up drugs, friends but really he just wants to come back to his own room, comfy bed, cable and, oh, doing whatever the h*!! he wants!
I wish Bam Bam would have had more time in his placements but maybe he is just preparing now for his next one.
Wilma
Thanks so much to all of you for your feedback.
I am very grateful that Dylan has been in placement, and I am so very glad that he has been true to himself as he failed there time & time again.
I know that my sadness is of the sentimental variety. Much like Wilma’s references in her posting about the Love You Forever book, I want the old Dylan back, and not the one who generated such chaos at home in the 1 ½ years before he went into placement. I am just not sure how deeply buried the “old Dylan” is, and whether I’ll ever see him again – and I know that many other parents share this same sadness and sense of loss. The Serenity Prayer, in all its simplicity and powerfulness, brings some comfort along with a dose of reality.
Jenn
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