Things That You Find When Looking for Something Else - Why you should Never ask "WHY?" Posted by:Rocco--Sunday, September 19, 2010

Why you should Never ask "WHY?"

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why isn't there another word for "thesaurus?"

I was looking up something else the other day and came across an article called "Training Lions & Tigers: Discipline and Children with Disabilities" by Pete Wright.

Mr. Wright has raised two sons with ADHD and learning disabilities and shares his experience and ideas at: http://www.wrightslaw.com/advoc/ltrs/ltr_to_Bobbie.html

He lists his Four Rules for Raising Children as:

#1. The child had to work

#2. No Telephone or Television in the Child's Room, Ever!

#3. The Child Had to Learn to Touch-Type at Home

#4. Never ask "WHY?"

Rule #4 that caught my eye. It is a good rule for parents in general but especially for parents like me, parents of teenage addicts.

Never ask "WHY?" by Pete Wright

When my children misbehaved or messed up, I never asked them "WHY did you . . . ?"

Why did you come home an hour late?

Why did you come home with alcohol on your breath?

Why didn't you clean up your room?

Why did you leave a mess in the kitchen?

Why didn't you finish your homework?

Why did you finger-paint on the walls?

When the parent asks a child Why, the child learns to create good excuses, shifts blame onto others, views himself or herself as a "victim of circumstances" -- and not does not learn to take responsibility for his or her behavior.

Talking about "Why?" the child misbehaved will not teach the child that he has control over himself, his environment and his future. This will not teach him to take responsibility for his actions.

When you ask Why, it's easy to slip in some guilt - "Why did you do this? You upset me so much. You made me feel terrible."

Stay away from guilt.

Before my first child was born, I worked in juvenile training schools. I read a book called "Reality Therapy" by psychologist William Glasser. This book changed the way I dealt with the kids I worked with and it changed how I viewed my job as a parent.

Dr. Glasser wrote:

"Eliminate the word 'why' from your vocabulary in dealing with child behavior.

So often, children don't know 'why.'

They acted because 'I felt like doing it' and they don't really know why.

Never ask 'Why?' Instead, ask 'What did you do?'"

Have the child explain what he or she did. Have him describe his behaviors, starting at the beginning, through the sobs, the tears, and the temper when sobs and tears don't work. Break the incident down into small steps.

Do not focus on "why."

As a parent, you want to know why. Don't give into your curiosity.

Go over the incident until it is very clear what happened, when, etc.

Your next question is "What are you going to do about it?"

What are you going to do about your misbehavior, or your impulses, or your anger so this does not happen again?

The third question is: How can we make sure this will not happen again?

What checks and balances will you put in place to ensure that it will not happen again?

What punishment should we use now?

What should we do if this happens again?

Will we have a battle about it? If we do, what additional punishment shall we initiate if we have to fight with you about doing this again, and not following through as you said you would?

When the child misbehaves, you can ask questions - but never ask WHY?

Ask these questions instead:

• What did you do?

• What are you going to do about it?

• To ensure that this does not happen again, what should we do to you now?

• If this does happen again, despite your good intentions now, how much more severe shall the punishment be next time?

I hope we can discuss this at our next PSST Meeting but in the mean time please leave a comment at the bottome of this post or send one into sallyservives@gmail.com



Pete Wright is an Adjunct Professor of Law at the William and Mary Law School where he teaches a course about special education law and advocacy and assists with the Law School's Special Education Law Clinic.