Nudging Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, September 29, 2010

This is a comment on Sally's comment of Rocco's post On the Road Again. My comment was too long to be accepted by blogger so I turned it into a post. Her comment is reprinted in part below as it appears on "Oops, Problem With Blogger."

"I was sitting between Cisco and Rocco. Cisco was complaining and Rocco was nudging me and tapping my arm. This I know was Rocco's warning signal that I was getting sucked into Cisco's manipulation. I quickly came to my senses and when Cisco said, 'Maybe I'll walk away from here (this placement), I don't care what happens to me if I do.' I replied, 'That is your choice, you may want to think of the consequences.' I acted nonchalant. We left shortly after that and I had a sick feeling in my stomach. I don't want him to walk out of the program. I care."

It's so hard to do this detach-with-love thing. It would be helpful if we all had Rocco to nudge us when we are getting "sucked in." Yesterday, I did an assessment of a teen at Shuman who was very angry about the assessment. Still, she felt she had no choice but to "cooperate" so she responded with an attitude to every question I asked. I felt myself getting oppositional and that means that I was getting "sucked in."


It was only at the end of the interview that I started to agree with her that this assessment might be completely unnecessary, which had been her point that I had failed to appreciate all along. My failure to address that earlier in the interview kept the defiant wall up.

Of course, we still had to do the interview so my appreciation of that fact wouldn't have changed anything; however, had I jumped to that place with her earlier, it would might have lowered the wall that she had put up. Of course, it was a slippery slope. I had to be clear that if she did not participate that could look bad for her. Also, I didn't need her to tell people that she refused to cooperate in the assessment because even the guy doing the assessment thought that it was stupid. Traps to avoid here are obvious: if I don't acknowlege that it might be ridiculous to do the assessment then she remains defiant. On the otherhand, if I agree with that to heartily then I undermine the very assessment process. I struggled with it.

I know that it is not the same when you are parenting because it is your own teenager and therefore it is much much harder to detach. I offered this example only to emphasize the point that Sally made that we need to nudge each other when possible- because it's so hard to see it when when we are getting sucked in.

We can trust that life is such that when you wish that you would have used your "detach-with-love" skills to better effect, and you feel that you may have missed the opportunity, life will give you another crack at it soon enough.

With the nudging from Rocco, Sally was able to reply matter-of-factly and in a more business-like fashion. This sent Cisco the message that she would be OK if he decided to walk away from treatment. And that was the truth because she would be OK in the end. She choose to not highlight the fact that this would be a crushing blow. That's good because at that moment it didn't have to be all about Sally.

The way we respond also shapes the way we feel about situations so that we are not just hiding our feelings but we are in some measure shaping our feelings. Not 100 percent but still we are shaping to some degree the way we feel.

Consider this possible exchange:

Cisco: "Maybe I'll walk away from here (this placement) I don't care what happens to me if I do."

Sally: Sometimes we don't care what happens- you've been down that road before Cisco.

Cisco: That's the way I feel about it - I just don't care anymore.

Sally: Maybe you need to walk away. You know, I think you learned something when you walked away from your last program. Consequences can help us learn and consequences help us learn to care.

Sally: Have you thought that maybe you should just call Lloyd and ask him to move you to Shuman?

Cisco: Are you mental? I don't want to go to Shuman.

Sally: Oh, I'm sorry. I misunderstood. I thought you said the consequences didn't bother you.

Cisco: See, that's so messed up- I didn't say I wanted to go to Shuman- you're twisting what I'm saying- now I'm getting mad.

Sally: I know I can make you angry sometimes. I don't phrase things well.

Cisco: You can say that again.

Sally: Oops. Well, I'm happy that you do care about consequences. I think that shows how you've changed, you know, for the better. That is very adult when we think before we act. Good for you.

This helps to shape the way we feel: that something good can come out of both decisions: walk away or stay- both have lessons. I am reminded of the "Good News" post that Rocco put up after Cisco's relapse. Writing something like that helps shape the way we feel and, point-in-fact, Cisco would not today be in the great program that he is in if he were not to have relapsed.