Summary – PSST Meeting Augaust 21, 2010 Mt Lebanon Posted by:Rocco--Monday, August 23, 2010

We had another good turnout at this week’s PSST meeting at OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES in Mt Lebanon.

Lloyd and Kathie led the meeting. We had 9 conscientious parents – 7 tenacious moms, 1 very determined mom/grandma and 1 concerned dad representing 8 families (Notice that we only had 1 dad – We'll talk more about that later).

Each of us had a chance to talk over our own issues and circumstances.

We listened, coached and encouraged each other on ways to take back the power in our homes and how to deal with our teens in various stages of their recovery.

We talked about our teens that are currently in an inpatient recovery program, how they are doing and where they can go when they complete the program. Some teens in recovery cannot return home directly. The people and places may be too strong of a trigger for them to relapse.

We had a mom’s thoughts on how her teen did on his first home pass from his inpatient program. It is good to have some chores and activities planned out for a home pass. It is best to have a clear understanding with your teen ahead of time as to what your expectations are (if possible put them into writing before they come home).

We had a mom whose son is just out of an inpatient program and was rethinking her decision to let her son "hang-out". Instead of being home at 10:00, as agreed, he phoned her at 10:00 to let her know that the ride he expected did not show up and he would find another way home. She now wants to know where he really was and to make sure that he understands that he needs to be home at the agreed time. He cannot wait until that time to start planning how he will get home.

Our teens don't seem to understand that we as parents are also going through a difficult recovery process with them and we have real “triggers” that set us off.


Not knowing where they are, not being home on time and twisting stories around are just a few of these triggers.

Each time we have one of these episodes our “Trust Factor” drops back to Start All Over Again.

We listened to parents of teens that have relapsed or turned to alcohol and how they handled the situation. A mom of a teen who used alcohol explained how she did not over-react. When her son asked her if she was mad or disappointed with him she surprised him by saying that she was not actually mad or disappointed. Instead she explained to that she would like to see him use the tools he has learned in rehab to move forward in his recovery.

This led to a discussion of using / not using the word “disappointment”.
In most cases it is okay to use “disappointment” to express a “What I am feeling” statement to your adolescent as opposed to confronting them with a “Man, did you ever screw up this time” accusation.

As an example let’s say that you left them a note to do the dishes and to take out the trash while you were out. When you return home you find the dirty dishes on the counter and the trash still in the can. Instead of browbeating with “I see you screwed up again!” try “Geeze, I am really disappointed that dishes and the trash are still here.” Assign a feeling to yourself as opposed to a indictment of them. It is really hard for them to give you an argument on how you feel.

And feel free to throw in an “I guess you won’t have time to go to the movies (watch your favorite show, get on the computer, visit your friend) tonight.”

And then for the grand finale try the “Do it now” approach (but only if you have the time to stay focused until they actually do whatever it is you need them to do). Even if your child can give you a good excuse (not likely) for not doing what you asked them to do, reply “I understand, never the less, let’s 'Do It Now'!” If they don’t react immediately repeat “Do It Now!” as many times as needed. For emphasis you can pull the plug on the TV, the DVD player, the computer or take away the phone followed by another “Do It Now!”

“Do It Now!” is one of the best PSST Power Phrases.

One of our moms gave us a new PSST Power Phrase - “We will talk about that later.”

This is a great way to keep a “discussion” with your child on track. If you are talking about their current issue or situation and they bring up a past issue, or otherwise switch the subject, try to remember “We will talk about that later" and continue with the original subject.

We also had a mom who had stood up in court and asked the judge to allow her son to come home. She felt that he had turned a corner in placement and had set some clear goals. The judge agreed to let him to come home on an electronic monitor to reconnect with his family and work toward his goals. Remember to always make sure that the judge or hearing officer clearly understands what you want for your child. They will generally work with you. When your son or daughter gets themselves into a closely supervised situation it can be a great opportunity to exercise the power position by exerting more authority. The more you do this the more routine it becomes for them and for you.

Another mom was concerned about her younger son. She has already experienced her older son’s recovery. While she has no proof that her younger teen is using she has red flags or triggers popping up. He is not doing well in school and doesn’t seem to care about anything but his music and his band. Choosing a career as a rock performer of course brings up visions of inordinate drug use. Whether this vision is real or perceived it is something that can give a parent a few sleepless nights. We talked about how some teens really do get into their music and want to try performing and have a hard time focusing on the “Real World”. What we can do is to remind them that they need to focus at least part time on reality while they are pursuing their dream of becoming a star. And if possible go and watch a few of their performances (wear earplugs if necessary). While you may not enjoy the music you may enjoy the fact that others enjoy your teen’s performance.

Our children will rarely pick the same goals, careers, life’s partner or life’s path that we would choose for them. As long as they are clean and sober and not harming themselves or others try to celebrate their choices with them.

We did not get time to try any role plays but we had a lot of very good discussion and beneficial exchange.

Thanks to Lloyd and Kathie for taking the time to be there. Thanks to everyone for all of the pie, cake, donuts, plums, candy and especially the homemade nut rolls.

And of course our thanks to OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES for the use of their space.

The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday September 4 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg.

A SPECIAL REQUEST: We would like to get a few more good men to attend our PSST Meetings on Saturday morning from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m.

We do appreciate that you have other commitments on Saturday mornings but if you can make it just to one meeting a month it could make a big difference for you and your troubled teen.

Any and all Dads, Step-Dads, Granddads, Uncles and Big Brothers that are dealing with difficult teens are welcome to join us.

MEN; consider yourself cordially invited to sit in, discuss, contribute, consider some ideas, ask questions, express your point of view and develop some innovative solutions.

Maybe you can even (shudder at the thought) pick up some directions.

C'mon in and join us. There is no cost or commitment.
Our meetings are open to anyone who is serious about making a difference in their children’s life.