HOME VISIT FOR NEWBIES and HEATHER HAS NO CLOTHES........................Story by Ralph Kramden ( A PSST Parent) Posted by:Sally--Friday, July 30, 2010

It was our first home visit, so we didn't know what to expect. Our younger son, Ed, has been at a residential placement for about three months. Ed has a criminal problem that was brought on by the attitude created by a drug problem. He has been doing fairly well in placement; at least this is what he and his counselor tell us. The staff told him that he needed to complete two successful home visits before they could recommend he be released at his next review. This was a HUGE motivator for Ed. In fact, we appeared to have the "angel" Ed this weekend. Maybe.


Ed was home for just over four days on a long weekend. On the first day home, Ed's great PO (juvenile probation officer) stopped over shortly after he arrived home. The PO gave him the rough marching orders for the weekend visit. We were armed with a new draft, post-placement contract that we learned to write at PSST. (We couldn't make it through this without PSST!) So, when Ralph got home, we gave Ed the contract. He wasn't happy, but Ed knew that we had some power back, and the old crap wasn't going to cut it anymore. We told him that this was practice for the contract, and as much as made sense, the contract was in-force now. As far as we can tell, there were zero contract violations! Ed tried to test the rules just once, and resurrected some sneaky activity at the end of the weekend -- more on that later. We consider the home visit a success, and await the placement and PO input as well.

How did we have a success? Well, Ed is very motivated to do well right now to regain his freedom. Also, luckily the PO and we introduced the rules-to-live-by (for us, the contract) up front -- defining expectations. Next, we made it easy to have a success -- staying away from people, places, and things that are tempting for Ed. This was easier for us than others possibly, because we could get Ed out of "Weedville", and exposed only to family. While not reality, a low-temptation environment kept Ed cool and even-keeled. Finally, we kept Ed busy -- very busy. Washing cars, painting, staining, plastering, sports, movies, games, video games, family visits, dinners, camp fires, cleaning, mowing, just about anything we could think of was tasked to our hard-working Ed. A little planning to make a BIG list ahead was all we needed, and there is always more work than time. Unlike some teens, Ed is very industrious when not a sloth because of drugs. So, we gave Ed what he likes -- things to do. Maybe this won't work for a lazy teen -- Ed's brother, Norton, couldn't do this -- but filling that teen's time up with activities, especially healthy ones that he likes, might be a good approach for the first home visit. Again, filling your teen's calendar won't be practical for post-placement reality, but it shows him that a drug-free life is possible while at home, even if just for four days. And if it works for four days, just keep that going!

Ed, like most teenagers, is smart at manipulating. Ed’s favorite way to manipulate is by being sneaky about activity that he doesn’t want us to know about, and then often lying about it. We’re not waiting for the lie this time, but the “sneaky” came during the last day of the visit. It seems Norton didn’t secure his computer, and Ed figured this out. Well, what difference does that make, you ask, if Ed didn’t violate his contract or contact his old friends on Norton’s computer? Let us tell you: Norton is an adult and doesn’t have adult-only restrictions on the web sites he can visit. And there are so, so, so many web sites these days that would more than fulfill the dreams of young men like Norton or Ed. In fact, that entertainment doesn’t leave anything for ones dreams, if you know what we mean.

So, after Ed went back to placement, Ralph checked Norton’s computer for activity, in case Ed had decided to contact old friends there. Well, that’s when he “met” Heather. Not an old friend, but a new 2D “friend”. And she didn’t have any clothes on, either. After a cursory look at the activity, Ralph got Alice to come to Norton’s room – not going down the Heather highway by him self, so to speak. This, Ralph has learned, will keep him out of the dog house. Then we painstakingly clicked on each web site that Ed thought was important to visit while he had snuck away from Alice, pretending to do some work for her. She loved this, by the way – Ed doing more work, not watching Heather. And there was Heather, in full action, sans clothing. And she had friends. Honestly, Ralph doesn’t remember Heather’s friends’ names or faces. Ed probably doesn’t remember them, either. Alice is trying to forget them. But now, we have a dilemma. Do we give Ed kudos for good behavior -- he didn’t violate his contract after all, and could have easily used Norton’s computer for forbidden behavior. Or, do we kick his butt up and down the street for manipulating Alice? Does Ed deserve some privacy, if he stays away from the really forbidden activities? Or do we come down hard on Ed for continuing sneaky activity, just like he did when he was doing drugs or committing crimes? Maybe we can call Heather, and see if she has any ideas. She has “live chat” available. You can comment back on this blog, and let us know what you think we should do. Or come to a PSST meeting.

We still have a long road ahead with Ed, but the First Home Visit is in the bag, and we're ready for a Narcotics Anonymous pass, or whatever helps Ed into his next step of recovery.