Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate Parents: Part IV Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, January 26, 2009

Doing good temporarily (just to get privileges back.) This is the fourth of a five-part series. So far we’ve talked about the manipulative techniques of lying and guilting, and we gave examples of how to deal with it. This week we talk about the idea of Doing Good Temporarily (just to get privileges back.)


Part 4 Doing good temporarily (just to get privileges back.)


Here’s the problem in another way. If your teen starts to do the right thing you may feel that you owe them the return of his privileges. And you may feel guilty if you don’t comply with his expectations. Stop! You are feeling guilty again. And your teen is maneuvering for that effect. Remember, that is the Second Most Effective Way for Teens to Manipulate Parents. (See part-three of this series.)

You can reinforce your teen for doing the right thing without giving away the farm. Don’t feel that you have to restore all privileges all at once. Trust your instincts. Then, when your teen expects you to come up with a reason for not trusting him, when he has now cleaned out the basement or in some other way worked diligently to show how deserving he is, let him know that you are struggling with the trust thing. Let him know that you take responsibility for this but you just are Not Comfortable with returning his privileges yet.

Well now he may want to know just how long he has to keep doing good before he gets his privileges back. Tell him you don’t know. Tell him you are working on that. Tell him you will get back to him. But let him know that YOU REALLY APPRECIATE THE EFFORT HE IS MAKING. That’s the reinforcement.

Teen: I’ve done so good this week!
Parent: I know- I’m impressed and I’m very proud of you.
Teen: Then, why can’t I go out?
Parent: I’m NOT COMFORTABLE with that- sorry.
Teen: What do I have to do so that you feel comfortable?
Parent: Good question! Boy you know just how to go to the heart of the matter- I like that!
Teen: Well?
Parent: I might not have the answer that you want to hear.
Teen: Just tell me- quit beating around the bush.
Teen: OK, fair enough. I’m not comfortable with you going out right now- it’s a trust thing- the best thing you can do is just accept that I’m not feeling it yet. Don’t push me, OK?
Teen: That’s not fair.
Parent: You’re right. In many ways that is not fair.
Teen: Oh so this is the big pay-back?
Parent: Well, I didn’t think of it like that but now that you mentioned it- yeah I guess there is a certain amount of that going on- and I’m sure to you it feels like the big payback.
Teen: You’re messing with me.
Parent: Well, look, there are consequences for what we do and sometimes that feels like a big pay back. I’m Not Comfortable with you going out. I’m just not feeling guilty about that right now; if that's what you're trying to make me feel-do your worst.

Now at this point, his willingness to give you some time to work out the trust thing might be a good barometer as to how much changing he has done and also how much remorse he feels for what he has done. If he is really pushy, the barometer is pointing to “Not too much changing done.” If he is patient with you, continues to do the right thing, then the barometer might be pushing the other way.

the barometer is also pushing the wrong way if your Teen begins to make threatening statements, such as:

Teen: Well, if I do all this to show you that I’m changing, and you won’t give me anything back, then what am I doing all this for? I might as well go back to doing drugs if you aren’t going to give me anything when I do good.

Ok, this is not a good sign. If you restore any privileges to this teenager after he threatens you, then you have just taught your teen that threatening is a good way for him to get what he wants off of you. That is a dangerous lesson to teach and it will insure that he has the power in the future, not you.

Here’s an example of a teen that is grounded and not even allowed to go to 12-step meetings with his peers. His parents are responsible for all transportation to and from meetings. This followed a relapse. He also lost his cell phone that had (what seemed) to be a million texts in it, much of it of a suspicious nature. And finally, he lost the use of his car. Yes, he had earned a lot and he found out that after driving home in his car with alcohol on his breath, he lost it all. Considering that he might have killed someone drinking and driving, he got off light.

A month later he still has not had privileges restored. He has been restricted from going to meetings with friends because trust has run out. The following role-play involves the teen, me as his Probation Officer, and his therapist.

Teen: When can I start going to meetings with my friends?
Me: Not yet.
Teen: I thought this meeting was about restoring some of my privileges.
Me: Yes, I said that we would look at that today.
Teen: Well that was a lie.
Me: You think I lied to you and I should feel guilty about that?
Teen: Yeah, you said that if I did good that I would be able to start going to meetings with my friends.
Me: I did?
Teen: You said I couldn’t get that privilege back until this meeting.
Me: I guess I did say something about that, you’re right there!
Teen: So?
Me: Well, I have a problem with this, I’m sorry if you feel mislead.
Teen: What problem, I’ve done what I was supposed to do.
Me: I am having trouble trusting you.
Teen: Well, if you don’t give me a chance, how am I going to show you that you can trust me?
Me: Well I feel that I have given you a chance but I can see that you don’t think so- let me explain. Hold on. Have you been going to 12-step meetings?
Teen: Yeah.
Me: When is the last one you went to?
Teen: I don’t know. What is this all about?
Me: Well, I’m disappointed because your Mom told me that she offers to take you to meetings, and you have been refusing to go.
Teen: She doesn’t want to take me.
Me: That is not the way I hear it.
Teen: Well that’s the truth.
Me: Ok, well your In-home Family Therapist tells me that she has offered to take you to meetings too, but you have refused.
Teen: I don’t want to be “taken” to meetings; I want to go with my friends. Look, I’m ready to go back to meetings, I really am ready to start over, but you have to give me something back first, you know to make it worth my while.
Me: Well that’s a problem.
Teen: Why?
Me: I’m not feeling the trust. And I know from talking to your Mom that she is not feeling the trust either. You seem to just want to get out of the house, maybe to contact your friends that you were drinking with- I don’t know really, but I know this: I’m not comfortable restoring any of your privileges yet.
Teen: Then you shouldn’t say that you were going to.
Me: Ok, listen carefully ok? I [pause] said [pause] that [pause] we [pause] would [pause] look [pause] at [pause] restoring [pause] some [pause] of [pause] your [pause] privileges.
Teen: Well you shouldn’t have said it that way because I got my hopes up.
Me: OK, this is the Second Most Effective Way that Teens manipulate adults. Do you remember when we talked about that?
Teen: Sort of.
Me: Well, you are trying to make me feel guilty for how I am saying things to you- this is all starting to be about how to make me feel guilty, not about you doing what you are supposed to do be doing.
Teen: I just don’t feel that you are giving me anything to work towards, you know, you always point out how badly I’m doing, never telling me any good stuff. Do you even know that I’ve been cleaning the house for my mom? Do you even care? You know you could give me some encouragement, a pat on the back, something like that. That would be a better way to work with someone like me.
Me: OK, this is what I’m talking about. This is all becoming about me. About the way I say things, or about the way I don’t say the things you would like to hear. What you are doing is trying to make me feel guilty. I’m [pause] on [pause] to [pause] you. I see what you are doing. I don’t feel guilty. And I suggest that you start looking more at what you are doing, and what you are not doing, and stop spending so much time worrying about the way me or your mom are doing things. Just stop it. It’s not working anymore.

Silence (silence can be golden- this was one of those moments.)

[Due to the length of this last post, we have split it up into two parts. So, we have one more post coming soon on the Top Three Ways Teens manipulate parents. It will be the Fifth and final of the series]

The Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate Parents: Part I.
Approaches To Dealing With Teen Lying: Part II.
Guilting the Parent: Part III.
Conclusion: The Top Three Ways To Manipulate Part V