Northhills PSST has seven parents: Body Language discussed. Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, January 24, 2009

How do you give your teen the bottom line? Does it matter? Let your teen know you really mean it by using good strong body language. How you say it matters as much as what you say...


Keep these tips in mind when you have something important to say to your teen.

1. Stay calm. If you over react and start to yell and explode at your teenager then that does no good and that puts your teenager in a power place as he can easily point at your behavior as problematic. If you feel enraged, make sure you calm down before you approach him. Talk slow, lower your voice, and even take deep slow breaths. Do not allow anything he says to cause you to escalate your pitch and cause you to start yelling.

1. Good eye contact. He cannot take you seriously if you don't look him in the eye.

2. Use your hands to gesture. Use your hands but not in a threatening way. Shrug and extend your hands out in with open palms, not threatening, yet definitely not passive. It means you mean business.

3. Be the dominant speaker. Move closer to him. Even if it is only a half-inch, move towards him when you speak. This establishes territoriality, something that we understand on different level. It means you're the one in charge. You will feel the difference. If you are afraid that he will react and hurt you- then don't do this. On the other hand, if you are that afraid of him you may need to consider what's written on other posts. For example, read this. Usually, he will react in one of two ways to your assertive body language.

A. He will back up so that he is more comfortable with the distance. That's good. This symbolizes that he accepts your dominance. He may do this and at the same time say, "Get out of my fu$%^&g face. That is still good, just don't get out of his fu$%^&g face and you maintain your dominance. If you back up when he says that then you have admitted that he is dominant. That's not helpful unless you want him to be your boss. On the other hand, there is no need to keep moving in because now you have established that you are dominant.

B. He may not move backwards at all. He might stay right in your face. A Standoff. That's not as good but you can work with that. He is no doubt feeling uncomfortable but his instincts tell him that if he backs away he looses what he so desperately wants: control of your house. Keep eye contact and depending on how much of his space you took, move in a wee bit closer. If he maintains then this is going to be very uncomfortable but holding your position helps maintain your dominance. One good thing is that when you are that close to another person it is hard to yell, so if he was yelling at you before you moved in, chances are good that he has stopped that.

Restate you position while you hold the line. Use a calm voice and slowly keep repeating your position, e.g., "Never do drugs in the house. I will call the police if you ever use drugs in this house." Wait for some acknowledgment from him. When you are ready to break away from him end the conversation. Often it is good to say, "We'll talk about this later." Then walk away and make sure that you follow up with another conversation later. Note: avoid backing up first and then saying, "We'll talk about this later." Rather, maintain the closer distance and say, "We'll talk about his later,." and then retreat.

3. Look for humor. Humor can deflect the situation. Especially, when you are wrapping things up. Don't make less of the situation with humor but look for self-deprecating humor- teens love that. In other words, don't make fun of your teenager, make fun of yourself.

Father: You know me, I can take this job of being your Dad too seriously sometime. Duh! And I'm way concerned about a lot of stuff that you feel that I've no business doing, like where you go, and who you hang out with, right? Yeah, I know, nevertheless, never do drugs, don't hang out with anybody who does drugs, don't hold drugs for anyone, and don't bring anyone home ever who won't let me pee-test them!

Teen: What the, what are you talking about?

Father: OK, I was kidding on that last part [hopefully, someone laughs] but regardless, I'm not kidding about the other stuff. OK?

4. Hug you kid at the end of the exchange. If possible. He may not want that but try it anyway. It's more body language that says "I love you." Of course, if you feel that your teen is going to react violently if you try to hug him, then maybe not. Usually, you can sneak a hug in before he pushes your arms away. Even if he seems to feel worse because of the attempted hug, you may feel better for trying. Note: it's OK to let your teen push you out of a hug but if you're lucky to got a quick one in. By no means continue to force a hug on a teenager who is resisting.

Final Note: We are not trying to send the message that we are prepared to attack. We do not want violence. In fact, once we assume the assertive stance it frees us to say something to this effect: "You know, I really don't want to see anyone get hurt here," or "I don't want you to flip out or anything but, listen, I mean business here."

If he threatens you and says something like, "I'll f&*k you up," let him know that you do not want to be hurt. Try, "Oh I hope you don't do that to me," but maintain the closer distance when you say it. You see, having good assertive body language means that you now have the luxury of saying some nice things. Or you could say, "I really don't want to see either one of us get hurt and don't see any reason right now for the police to be called." When your body language is yelling, "I'm in charge," then it's OK to say nice things. A person will hear your body language first. Likewise, if your body language says, "I'm to scarred to get close to you," then your teen hears that first no matter how much tough-talk is going on.