Many parents have difficulty trying to get their teens to have a nice chat. Here are seven tips. You might have some other tips and if so, please tell us about them by leaving a comment.Tip. 1 Accept their silence. Don't querrie them to intensely. Try not to ask "why?" Teens don't know why, so they'll just make something up anyway. There is a knack for spending time with someone and accepting that they have little to say. Try to cultivate that knack.
Tip. 2. It's a great opportunity for you to talk to them. Rather than questioning them over and over or lecturing them repeatedly (see the mom song below) try modeling a little bit of what intimacy is like. In other words, tell them something about yourself. Share. Open up a little bit. Now keep in mind, don't start talking about your serious marriage problems. Your teen may not be able to handle that much sharing, but try telling them about the bad day you are having. Tell them about something at work that really made you angry and what you did about it. Tell them about some great victory you had somewhere or some recognition that you recieved
Tip. 3. Ask their advice on some small but important problem you are having. Everyone loves being asked for thier advice. Don't make it sound like a joke. You might be surprised to receive some good advice.
Tip 4. Find our what they are passionate about. Everyone is passionate about something. Ok, it's true that many of our teens are passionate about using drugs. They know a lot about it and they could talk about it forever. That subject might not work; there may be a time and place for that kind of sharing but that's not what i'm talking about here. What on earth besides drugs and alcohol are they passionate about? Often they won't tell you because they feel that you could not appreciate the music they love or the games they play or the relationships in which they are involved. But once they start talking about something that they are really passionate about, it may be tough to stop them. For example, my son is 22. Historically he doesn't say much to me although his finacee tells me he is a very talkative person. I have trouble getting into the music he loves. I try. But the games he plays on his X-box I can do better with. Boy was I surprised to find out how passionate he is about it. He loves it. He plays every night. And he loves to talk about his gaming adventures. In fact, he says that after he plays he really loves to tell someone about it. I find it a wee bit boring perhaps after all I'm not really a gamer, but I love to see him talking. That is the real pay off for me.
Tip 5: If your teen does begin to share something that they really feel passionate about don't ruin it by giving advice. Maybe they tell you how in love they are with someone. Wow, that's a really special thing they chose to share with YOU. Now if you start to lecture them about everything that could go wrong, because you feel that they just have to have this information, then you can be sure that they won't want to tell you anything next time. Just listen. Trust that they can figure some things out for themselves. You sort of have to decide. Do you want them to talk to you or do you want them to be in your class while you lecture. Usually, you don't get both.
Tip 5: If your teen does begin to share something that they really feel passionate about don't ruin it by giving advice. Maybe they tell you how in love they are with someone. Wow, that's a really special thing they chose to share with YOU. Now if you start to lecture them about everything that could go wrong, because you feel that they just have to have this information, then you can be sure that they won't want to tell you anything next time. Just listen. Trust that they can figure some things out for themselves. You sort of have to decide. Do you want them to talk to you or do you want them to be in your class while you lecture. Usually, you don't get both.
Tip 6: Try some Active Listening Responses. Don't know what they are? Come on into group. We use them all the time. Active listening means that you make a statement based on this formulae. Also, check out this link to more about talking to teens...
Tip 7: We always talk about finding something that your teenager says that you can agree with. We mean really agree with. Don't just make a quick agreement and then follow it up with a "but." Really agree with something.
Not There are other ways to get teens chatting. Maybe you have a good way to do it. Please tell us about it by leaving a comment.
Tip 7: We always talk about finding something that your teenager says that you can agree with. We mean really agree with. Don't just make a quick agreement and then follow it up with a "but." Really agree with something.
Not There are other ways to get teens chatting. Maybe you have a good way to do it. Please tell us about it by leaving a comment.
1 comment:
I've found that my teens really open up to me when I am on their "turf" - their bedroom that the two of them share. They both hang out in there, mostly gaming on their computers, so I make it a point to go in there and plop down on the bed and just hang out, making small talk, playing with the dog, joking around, asking about school and schoolwork, friends, etc. Sometimes they share things with me that went on at school, or maybe they want to show me something about the computer game they're playing, or sometimes they pull out a school textbook and ask me for help with a homework question. It is so important to me, whether I spend 10 minutes or 30 minutes, to make that effort to spend that time with them, because otherwise some things might not ever get talked about. It is just one facet of keeping the lines of communication open with teens.
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