What a Long Strange Trip It Has Been
It is a long and winding road to recovery for most addicts and their families.
It has been about five years now since Sally and Rocco first saw some major red flags and realized that Cisco needed help.
He had gone from our happy well behaved kid with a great sense of humor, an inspired imagination, a love for all kinds of animals and very outgoing personality to a very angry teen who was getting in fights, having a lot of school issues, withdrawing from our family and bringing home some rather dubious “friends”.
We started on our adventure with an outdated road map, a couple of well intentioned glossy brochures and no idea where we were headed. We had no GPS or AAA TripTik® . We knew where wanted to get to but had very little idea of how to get there, how long it would take or what we would find on our way down the road.
If you have followed our posts over the last two years you may be aware that we got Cisco into counseling for anger management back in 2006. His first overdose occurred in September of 2007 . The get-a-way weekend that Rocco and I planned for our thirtieth anniversary ended up as a nightmare in the emergency room.
So here we are five years, 2 overdoses, a couple of relapses, eight or nine court appearances and seven placements down the road and we are (as we like to say in PSST) cautiously optimistic.
We have all made adjustments in our lives and we are working on our own recovery. Rocco and Sally have gradually learned, modified our lifestyle and understand addiction better now. We just got done talking with our cousin (who became acquainted with addiction herself through her two brothers who suffer from it). She said that she had noticed a big change in Cisco lately. We agree.
We thought, at first, that the toughest part of addiction was Cisco causing trouble at school and creating general chaos in our home.
We used to think the toughest part of addiction was when Cisco was getting high and was having emotional issues.
We used to think the toughest part of addiction was when Cisco was stealing and dealing to get drugs.
We then thought that the toughest part of addiction was when Cisco was confronted by the police who told us that they were filing charges against our son.
No! No! The very toughest part had to be when he was finally placed into an inpatient recovery program and we had to deal with how much he hated us and the F##ing facility and he was going to use again as soon as he got out...
…or could it be when we had to meet in court and Cisco had to go before a hearing officer…
...or maybe when we first experienced all of the buzzers and banging doors at the Shuman Detention Center...
…or maybe when he would successfully completed his treatment program and we thought that we could get on with our lives and then he would relapse.
Well, now we know that the “next” toughest part of our journey still lies ahead of us
What really is happening is that each new day holds its own set of toughest challenges, bumps in the road and detours.
Cisco, Sally and Rocco have come a long way. Cisco has started a full time job. This in itself holds a lot of challenges for all three of us. At this point we are allowing him to stay at home, on a part time basis, as we adjust to each other once again.
With the help of Cisco’s counselors, and his P.O., we are trying to assist Cisco in his transition to a “normal” life style.
We are trying to work him into living back at home until he can manage (and afford) to live independently. Cisco needs to adjust how he deals with our family, how he handles his money, how he handles friends and how he acquires career training skills. He needs to work on his skills for handling the pressures of work and his personal life.
Most important, of course, is how Cisco continues to work on his recovery. He should attend meetings on a regular basis. He should make his sponsor a big part of his recovery and his life. He should avoid people and places that affect his attitude or that puts him into circumstances that jeopardize his recovery. He needs to sharpen up his ability to make good decisions and good choices on his own. He needs to be able to ask for help when he needs it without hesitation.
As for Sally and Rocco, we need to redevelop our trust in Cisco; that he can eventually handle this on his own and to accept that while Cisco will not do it perfectly; he has and he still is making progress. In the meantime he is doing well at his job and he is following our home rules. Sally has worked up a budget with him but he is still debating it.
We have both explained that, IF he really wants to purchase a car, besides the initial price he will need to save a lot of his paycheck for fuel, insurance and repairs. That will be Stop #1 on Cisco’s own road to independent living.
Will keep you posted on how the trip is going…
The Transitioning Your Teen Trip ~ By Sally and Rocco
Posted by:Sally--Wednesday, October 26, 2011
REBUILDING TRUST
Posted by:Jenn--Sunday, October 23, 2011
REBUILDING TRUST
Once trust in another person has been damaged or lost, rebuilding that trust can be a very emotional and difficult journey for both parties. For most PSST parents, our teenagers have shattered our trust in them – trust that was so freely given at first, but now lies in ruins. On their journey to recovery, our teens hopefully will want to know what they can do to restore that trust. If we believe that they are truly serious, and that they are willing to commit to the demanding process involved, here is a step-by-step approach that we can try. The Four Steps to Trust and Freedom, developed by Larry Babaczewski of Milwaukee Solution Focus, was discussed at a PSST meeting by one of our guests.
Four Steps to Trust and Freedom!!
1) Do as I/we say.
Certainly not a fan favorite coming right out of the chute, but … classrooms, ball fields, and McDonald’s all begin with the ability to LISTEN and FOLLOW DIRECTIONS. No soccer game, term paper, or Big Mac was ever conquered without this first basic stepping stone of proving that you can get the job done according to plan.
○ On a scale of 1-10, rate the current level of trust – e.g. 5 [parent rating].
○ Then, ask if step #1 was followed for two full weeks – what would the trust level be – e.g. 6. In a month, what would the trust level be – e.g. 7.
○ At the end of two weeks, everyone rates how well the step was followed – on a scale of 1-10. Any rating below an 8 calls for another two weeks of step #1. Ratings above 8 call for a discussion of moving to step #2 – and perhaps, moving to step #2.
2) Ask me first.
So, if you can do the first step well, then maybe the authority figure you are facing may actually listen to you as you carefully and respectfully describe whatever it is you are wanting. This challenges your DISCUSSION and NEGOTIATION skills. Want to change the topic of the class term paper or argue for a later curfew time? Absolutely! … unless you forgot to do step #1.
Conveying what you want respectfully and carefully does not guarantee you will get what you want – so it may be wise to start “small” – e.g. ask for a chance to see a movie and not for a car of your own. This step is an opportunity to get better at negotiation [develop your effective ‘voice’] – all parents feel more positive when they see and hear that their child is developing an effective voice [versus a ranting or whining/”poor me” voice]. This is a time to let your parents know that you have used good judgment or used your head “out there” – e.g. you chose to call them to take you home from a party where there was underage drinking.
On a scale of 1-10, everyone rates how it is going with step #2 – e.g. “asking”/negotiating = 3 because it was not done – you went ahead without asking; or a 7 because it was done in a way that “discussion” and “negotiation” occurred and if a “no” was the response it was accepted. Here, mom and dad need to be clear about what is a “no” that is not negotiable – e.g. while you live under our roof you may not have your boyfriend sleep overnight in your bedroom! And what might be negotiable – if you get nothing less than a B for two grading periods, you can get your driver’s permit.
As negotiating gets stronger/more effective, using a scaling, you are ready to move to the next step – e.g. if you and your parents rate you at an 8 or 9 for a month.
3) Keep us informed/Tell us later.
By now you have earned enough trust and freedom and proven you are responsible so well that you can let your parents know if plans have changed – keep them informed or explain later what changed and why – if you make something up … whoops! … go back to step #1 for a while.
With cell phones and texting, it is easy to keep your parents informed, so err in this direction instead of telling them later. Be prompt about letting them know – let them know as soon as you know. Again use a 1-10 scale to measure how well you are doing with this step. If your rating differs from theirs, it is a chance to use your negotiation skills. This step may need to go on for a while before moving to the next step – yet another chance for negotiating.
4) You’re on your own.
Congratulations! You must have proven yourself to dress appropriately for school, hang around with decent enough friends or eat right, so that your decisions/judgments in these areas of your life are not even questioned by the powers that be. You’ve ESTABLISHED a sense of independent operations … at least in some areas of your life. But remember, do something dumb and fail to honor the basics of step #1, and back to basics you’ll go.
Read More......
Bam Bam is still Flexing his Muscles ~ by Wilma
Posted by:Jenn--Sunday, October 23, 2011
Bam Bam is still Flexing his Muscles
25 days in the DAS (Diversion and Acute Stabilization) program, and what is Bam Bam up to?
Well, in his first two weeks he “fell” on his already fractured hand and had to go to the ER and orthopedic surgeon where his re-fractured hand was wrapped up. THE NIGHT he went to the orthopedic doctor he was mad because his dad wouldn’t pick him up if he signed himself out so he punched a wall with the FRACTURED HAND. He called home begging Fred or me to go up there to take him to the ER.
We were told it was not an emergency and refused to be manipulated into picking him up.
I think this demand came from the day before the trip to the orthopedic doctor, when Fred drove up to Quarry Rock and picked Bam up to take him to the ER at our local hospital to check him out for chest pain. It was determined that there was no physical problem but that Bam Bam was suffering from anxiety.
The ER doc gave him a Xanax. Neither Bam nor Fred informed the doc that Bam Bam was a recovering addict.
After the hospital visit, Fred took Bam Bam home to change clothes, spray on some body spray and then stopped for some fast food on the way back to Quarry Rock. No wonder he wants Fred to take him to the hospital ER!
Since he punched a wall with his fractured hand, he again was taken to the ER by Quarry Rock staff and another appointment made for the orthopedic doc. This time the hand was casted. However, Bam Bam decided he didn’t need a cast so two days later he took it off himself.
We had a family meeting this past Thursday and we discussed Bam’s aftercare plans as Quarry Rock was planning on discharging him next Tuesday. At first the meeting was going o.k.
Then Bam decides he’s going to manipulate the meeting.
He tells us he’s not going back to school (he already had agreed to go back to his home school) and wants to go back to cyber school (he likes how cyber school with a teacher works in placement) which he’d already failed at earlier in the year and we had said NO CYBER SCHOOL, started making demands about his phone and friends, said he wouldn’t go back to his psychiatrist.
We all just stared at him – WHAT IS GOING ON? He is less than a week from discharge!!
The therapist told him she wasn’t taking sides, but that we as parents are not being unreasonable to have him earn his phone back, ease into friends, and that he had already agreed to return to his psychiatrist.
For those who don’t know, Bam was on the outs with his psychiatrist when she called him out on drug seeking behavior. He didn’t want to go back. However, I could not find another adolescent psychiatrist participating with our insurance that would take a dual diagnosis patient that had not been clean for longer than 16 months.
By the end of the meeting Bam was back on board with all the after care plans, which by the way he was involved in making. After the meeting he and Fred fished in the pond on the grounds even though it was drizzling and freezing.
At this point I felt o.k. with bringing him home on Tuesday. HOWEVER, that evening he called twice. Even after the first call I thought we still have a plan. After the 2nd phone call I felt as if we were at SQUARE ONE again.
Bam Bam told me he wasn’t going back to school, he wanted to do cyber-school as the teacher at Quarry Rock told him he was doing a good job there. Bam said after all he doesn’t have an x-box or i-pod to distract him, and of course he would have probation (by the way, he has charges now). I tried to explain to him that Miss Meg from Quarry Rock wasn’t moving in to monitor his school work and that his P.O. wouldn’t be sitting with him all day to make sure he does his school work.
All I could envision is that Bam comes home Tuesday, Wednesday he refuses to go to school. This is exactly the type of situation that brings cops to our house!
I called the case manager and therapist the next day and told them unless Bam Bam has the school piece of his discharge in place (even if it is an alternative school but not cyber school at home) we would not pick him up.
Of course we were informed that then CYF would be involved and I said I knew that and I’d go through with it. If Bam Bam wants to make his own rules and not follow rules at home, he doesn’t have to come home. His discharge was moved back to Thursday. He and the therapist have more work to do and then we all get back together on Tuesday.
Fred and I decided not to go up on Saturday and take Bam out for a meal as it felt like we would be rewarding him for all of the upheaval. Needless to say Bam Bam was not happy. He called his aunt who went up for a visit and took him fishing at the pond. I was actually glad that he reached out to her. He has not wanted to be around family for a long time. Except his cousin, Cool J, who was arrested for possession a couple of months ago.
Bam called us later Saturday evening about coming up on Sunday, but we told him we couldn’t. He told Fred then he wouldn’t go back to school if we didn’t come up! He called later to tell me his he broke his closet door frame at Quarry Rock because he was mad.
And he is supposed to come home this Thursday!
So, it is Sunday night and I am wondering what is going to happen tomorrow??
I just want to say that posting our story on the blog is cathartic and helps me by talking about it. I also hope it might help someone else out there going through a similar situation.
Should I try to get my teenager a Juvenile Probation Officer?
Posted by:Rocco--Wednesday, October 19, 2011
There is a lot of good information in the PSST Blog archives. Here is some information for parents wondering why they would ever want to get a Juvenile Probation Officer for their teenager. It worked well for our son Cisco and Sally and me, however, you will need to determine if it would help your teen and you. As always, if you are looking for help with your troubled teenager, we invite you to our PSST Meetings to discuss this and other ways to get help for your family and to restore order in your home.
Should I try to get my teenager a Juvenile Probation Officer?
Posted by Lloyd Woodward --May 25, 2009
Sometimes parents in group hear other parents talk about how helpful it was to have a Juvenile Probation Officer (JPO) for their teenager. This post will deal with the pros and cons to having a JPO and also cover the process of how Juvenile Court determines which teenagers to supervise. Also, if a parent decides that it would be a good idea to get a JPO to help supervise their teenager, it is not necessarily an easy thing to do.
First, we'll cover the process for getting a JPO and we will follow that with the downside and upside of having one for your teenager. Before you decide whether or not to go down this road make sure to read the downside part too.
To read the entire post click on the title: Should I try to get my teenager a Juvenile Probation Officer?
What if My Teen is Using Drugs?
Posted by:Rocco--Friday, October 14, 2011
What if My Teen is Using Drugs?
Adapted from the Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition & Fitness, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 2006, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
focusonthefamily.com/parenting
(Throughout this section, unless otherwise stated, the words drug or drugs will be used to indicate any potentially harmful substance — tobacco, alcohol, prescription medications or illegal drugs.)
Even closely knit families with strong values and ongoing drug-proofing have no guarantee that substance abuse won't affect one or more of their children. The problems may range from a brief encounter with cigarettes to an episode of intoxication (perhaps with legal consequences) to an addiction.
As you begin to cope with one or more chemical intruders in your home, keep the following principles in mind:
1. Don't deny or ignore the problem
2. Don't waste time wallowing in false guilt or wondering who to blame
3. Seek help from professionals experienced with treating drug problems
4. Be prepared to make difficult, "tough love" decisions
5. Do not look for or expect quick-fix solutions
6. Remember the father of the Prodigal Son
1. Don't deny or ignore the problem - If you do, it will worsen until your family life is turned inside out. Take the bull by the horns - be sure to find out exactly how big and ugly the bull is.
The marijuana cigarette you discovered may be a one-time experiment or just the tip of the iceberg.
Talk to your child and anyone else who may know the extent of the problem. You may not like what you hear, but better to get the hard truth now than a regrettable surprise later.
Editor’s Note: Ignoring the Problem is NOT a Solution.
2. Don't waste time wallowing in false guilt or wondering who to blame - Many parents assume a great deal of self-blame when a drug problem erupts in their home. Others waste a lot of time looking for someone to blame for their child’s issues.
Neither one of these actions will help your teen.
Remember that drug users must accept responsibility before they can resolve their issues.
Editor's Note: - the emphasis here is "don't waste time", you have a critical situation that needs immediate attention - there will be a lot of time later to discuss your teen's choice to use.
3. Seek help from professionals experienced with treating drug problems - Talk to your physician, minister or counselor. Seek out a 12 Step Program [or a group like Parent Survival Skills Training – PSST]. They can refer you to a professional who is experienced in dealing with all of your teen’s issues and how it affects your family.
This may include educational sessions, individual and family counseling, medical treatment and long-term follow-up.
If your teen’s behavior is out of control and he is unwilling to acknowledge that there is a problem, a carefully planned intervention by family members and others affected may need to be carried out under the supervision of an experienced counselor.
The goal is to convince the drug user in a firm but loving way of the need for change — NOW.
The confrontation should include specific alternatives for the type of treatment he will undergo and clear-cut consequences if he is not willing to cooperate.
4. Be prepared to make difficult, "tough love" decisions - If you have a drug-dependent adolescent who will not submit to treatment and insists on continuing drug use and other destructive actions, you will need to take the stomach-churning step of informing him that he cannot continue to live in your home while carrying on this behavior.
This will be necessary not only to motivate him to change but to prevent his drug-induced turbulence from destroying the rest of your family.
If you must take this drastic step, it would be helpful to present him with one or more options.
These might include entering an inpatient drug-treatment center, halfway house, boot-camp program, boarding school or youth home, or possibly staying with a relative or another family who is willing to accept him for a defined period of time.
More ominous possibilities may need to be discussed as well, such as making him a ward of the court or even turning him over to the police if he has been involved in criminal activity.
If you continue to shield him from the consequences of his behavior or bail him out when his drugs get him into trouble, [a.k.a. Enable him] he will not change and you will be left with deep-seated anger and frustration.
Editor's Note: Do not be discouraged when your teenager blames you for their problems and tells you how much they hate you – this is their addictive behavior talking.
Do not accept the blame and don’t be overly-concerned with trying to get them to “love” you [a.k.a. Enabling] or convince them how much you love them. Trying to use adult logic/common sense with a teen drug addict is frustrating at best.
5. Do not look for or expect quick-fix solutions - 
It is normal to wish for a single intervention that will make a drug problem go away. But one conversation, one counseling session, one prayer or one trip to the doctor will not be enough.
Think in terms of a long term comprehensive response encompassing specific treatment, counseling and aftercare.
Editor’s Note: Since most of our teenage drug abusers rarely go voluntarily into a recovery program, and seldom admit that they have a problem, they generally do not immediately embrace their recovery. Do not be discouraged if it takes several tries before they accept responsibility for their own recovery.
6. Remember the father of the Prodigal Son - Tough love means allowing the consequences of bad decisions to be fully experienced by one who is making those decisions.
It also means that your child knows a parent's love for him is there for him in tough times. Never give up hope, never stop praying, and never slam the door on reconciliation and restoration when your child comes to own his recovery.
Other things to keep in mind:
- Do not be afraid to question your counselor. If something that they say does not feel right with you do not be afraid to speak up, question them or let them know that you disagree. If you need to, do not hesitate to find another counselor.
- Addiction of any kind is a "Family Disease". While your child is working on their recovery; you and your family need professional help to work on your own recovery. If your child returns to the same family situation with unresolved issues the chances of his relapse increase dramatically.
- Someone has to step up and be the adult here - "It's only [tobacco - marijuana - alcohol]", "I would would feel like a hypocrite, I used..." and "He'll turn 18 soon and it will be his problem" are all cop outs. Tobacco, marijuana and alcohol are all highly addictive, and potentially deadly drugs, to your teenager. The longer you wait to get help the more serious the consequences will be.
- Your child's life and their future is more important than your social or professional standing, what your family, friends, neighbors, church, coworkers or boss will think, or their sports, school activity, scholarship or choice of college.
Why Would My Teen Use Drugs?
What are the factors that influence kids to use drugs?
Adapted from the Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition & Fitness
Attitudes - Tobacco, alcohol and other drug-related behaviors among families will usually be duplicated in their children.
Attractiveness – Alcohol and Tobacco are widely promoted as something enjoyed by sophisticated, fun-loving, attractive and sexy people — what most adolescents want to be.
Illegal drugs are "advertised" by those using them in teen peer groups.
Peer-pressure - The need for peer acceptance is especially strong during the early adolescent years and "Just Say No" may not resonate when it comes to peer-pressure mixed with tobacco, alcohol or using drugs.
Curiosity - Unless your family lives in total isolation, your child will be aware of tobacco, alcohol and drug use well before adolescence from talk at school, radio, TV, movies and direct observation. Some curiosity is inevitable.
Thrill-seeking - Unfortunately, many children and adolescents seek drug experiences to produce thrills that they think that normal life can't duplicate.
Rebellion - Teens may engage in tobacco, alcohol and drug use as a show of independence from family norms and values.
Availability of tobacco, alcohol and drugs - Finding tobacco, alcohol or drugs are not difficult for adolescents in most communities – Urban, Suburban, Rural, Affluent, Middle Class or Poor.
Editor’s Note: “Tobacco, alcohol and drugs are equal opportunity destroyers.”
The high induced by drugs - If drug use wasn't pleasurable, it would be relatively easy to keep teens and harmful substances separated. But the reality is that many teens enjoy the way they feel on drugs — at least for a while.
Escape from life/relief from pain - Teens often feel anxious, angry, depressed, oppressed, stressed, bored, unfulfilled. The idea of a chemical "timeout" may look very attractive.
Whether one is down and out or rich and comfortable, substances that bring about relaxation, stimulation or pure escape can be appealing.
A conviction that "it can't happen to me" or that the "consequences don't matter" - Many teenagers and young adults are prone to assume their own invulnerability or immortality, make shortsighted impulsive decisions, or shrug off the most fervent warnings about the pitfalls and perils with a smirk or the defiant pronouncement "I don't care."
Unfortunately, many of them will become deeply involved in drug use and will remain stuck in this immature, self-destructive mind-set.
Adapted from the Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition & Fitness, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 2006, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
focusonthefamily.com/parenting
IF YOU KNOW, OR EVEN SUSPECT THAT YOUR TEENAGER IS USING DRUGS COME TO THE NEXT PSST MEETING.
THERE IS NO COST OR COMMITMENT. 
WE ARE PARENTS OF TEENS WITH ADDICTIONS AND WE KNOW WHAT YOU ARE EXPERIENCING.
WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU, NOT TO JUDGE YOU.
