Wow - our meetings have become large over the last several months, with new parents coming in all the time! I for one am thrilled about this; it means our name is circulating more and more, making it easier for parents to find the help they need through PSST. In attendance today were PSST professionals Kathie T, Justin and Jocelyn from Wesley Spectrum Services, along with our two favorite Juvenile Probation Bulldogs..er...I mean Officers, Lloyd Woodward and Val Ketter!
The downside of so many in attendance is that we have to be a bit more stingy with time per parent so we can get around the room. We were very strict this time; each parent had about 5 minutes to introduce themselves, their kid, their primary issue (drug of choice, mental health, other) and a basic one-sentence summary of where they are (literally and emotionally) in their process. We even gave them a little script to follow to keep them on track. If the parent responded that they were "in a good place", we took that as a sign that they would yield their time to another parent more in need of talking. If the parent said "we have an issue" or "we don't know what to do next" we wrote that down as something for further discussion. Time wise this worked beautifully; we took a break earlier than usual, and had over an hour for role plays, Q & A, and "PSST Advice 911". We would love feedback from all that were present - was this structure helpful? Did it feel too rushed? Did anyone wish they had more time to share? Did we use our time in the second half of the meeting wisely, or does anyone have another suggestion? Please leave a comment or write to sallyservives@gmail.com.
Here is what is going on with our parents:
Max (me!) is in a good place with both kids. David, has been away at a therapeutic boarding school since July. He had 90 days clean right before he left, so at this time, he has been clean for a total of 11 months (minus a short relapse for a "going away party" he defiantly gave himself). Our visits have been great, and his first home pass will be in April. Older son Michael is also in a good place, although it may not sound this way! Michael is sick of being scrutinized by us, and desperately wants to try out life on his own. He decided to take a week and live somewhere else (with a friend). He was a bit taken aback when Mel and I didn't blink and said "we love you and want you to live with us. But if you feel like you need to go, we understand and won't stop you". He has been gone since Friday, but we saw him for dinner on Sunday evening. All is well for now. More will be revealed!
Jane's Son Elroy seems comfortable in his court-ordered RTF. He has been there for one month, and appears to be engaging in his treatment. Jane went through Hell and back to get Elroy the treatment he needed (read earlier post "PSST GRIT, Episode I). Jane said she is in a good place for now. We are happy there is some peace in your life, Jane. Use this time to recharge your batteries!!
Jessica's son Herman happens to be in the same facility as Elroy. The Rabbits followed a self-imposed no visit rule. Herman was just too verbally abusive, and everyone felt some distance would help all involved. Finally after several weeks, the reunion happened. The distance helped Jessica and Roger see "how sick Herman really is". Herman isn't in a good place now, pushing all limits, so Roger and Jessica have decided to make visiting decisions on a weekly basis. We at PSST applaud your strength, Jessica. It isn't easy to decide not to see your kid. But your decisions are based on what is best for Herman, and more importantly, you are showing Herman who is boss. You are taking care of yourselves for a change!
Wilma's son Bam-Bam currently attends OPI Gateway. He is not (yet, anyway) under any court based supervision. Wilma has done quite a bit on her own, before ever coming to PSST -talk about tenacious!! Bam also has has MST (Multi Systemic Treatment) in the home. I plan to write in more detail what this home-based therapy is all about. Stay tuned, it might be appropriate for YOU!
Rocco came to the meeting today with out his right arm, Sally. Sally, we missed you...but Rocco made up for your absence with amazing pastries (We can be bought).
Rocco and Sally's story about son Cisco is well documented in several past blogs. Take a look at the following to catch up (enter these or other titles in "search this blog", upper right of PSST home page): Searching For Cisco Parts I,II and III, Finding Cisco Parts III, IV, and V, and Cisco Has Relapsed Again. Rocco reports that Cisco is actually in a good place now. He is in an adult half-way house and doing well. Part of his recovery is to come clean with the truth, and as we all know, the truth hurts. Cisco reported heroin use to his parents as a part of this. No one is sure as to how much or how long, but Cisco never went through a withdrawal. This implies short or intermittent use, but this small comfort does not change the fear and pain Rocco and Sally feel upon this revelation. Nevertheless, the Rocco-Sally express keeps chugging along. They have learned that recovery is not linear; peaks, valleys and bumps are always on the horizon. This family has taken each hit as a time to learn more about Cisco, and more about each other. They didn't win Parent Of The Year award for nothing!
Violet's son Sal is doing well in his third month at college, a place she never dreamed he would be! In fact, last year at this time she didn't think he would be here at all, because Sal is a heroin addict. Violet always credits PSST for saving her son. Violet - it is time to credit yourself a bit. You are the person who brought charges against Sal, so he would have a PO at school. YOU are the one who stood up in court for a PFA a few years ago. YOU have great instincts on what to do to save your son....you just needed a few friends who understood your situation, to offer support, and give you some extra tools. We all may have helped, but basically, you did this yourself!Rose's son Joe is an addict whose drug of choice is "robotripping" - using over the counter cough/cold meds in combinations that produce a high. He has been in the system and has not lived at home for one year. This is very tough on both of them, and Rose feels that Joe sabotages himself every time he is ready to be discharged, because he is frightened of failure and the weight of responsibility outside a treatment center; He is in a new placement for this exact reason. In prior PSST meetings and at Families Anonymous, we talk about how kids often shoot themselves in the foot this way. On the upside, Rose had a good visit with Joe at his new placement,and they talked about "regular stuff" for a change. Joe also had a good visit with Lloyd. PSST parents salute you, Rose - your refusal to have Joe home, and your insistence that he be immediately placed again, is a statement of power, and the best help you can give your son.
Kitty's younger son Carlyle (18) is in-patient for 28 days, marijuana being his drug of choice. The therapist there say he is doing well, and when Kitty visited, he seemed "on the ball". Carlye's older brother Cat is a heroin addict in a 1/2 way house on the same campus. Carlyle was at the same NA meeting as his brother, and commented to Kitty that Cat's attitude was bad, and that he wasn't doing well. Kitty said that she thought it was interesting that Carlyle had insight into his older brother. Unfortunately Kitty is an old hand at this addiction thing - but she has learned that she didn't cause it, and she knows she can't control it. She recognizes that the only thing she can do is wait and see what happens, while not losing hope. We can all learn from this, Kitty. We are glad you've become a part of PSST.
Joan's daughter Melissa has struggled with marijuana, alcohol and pills for a few years now. She finally entered a treatment center outside of Pittsburgh (her third attempt this year). Even though she is told that Melissa is starting to follow the rules, Joan is being "protectively pessimistic". Joan, keep coming to PSST and Families Anonymous. The road to sobriety is a bumpy one, but there is reason for hope - just ask your more experienced PSST friends.
Elizabeth and Charles' daughter Diana has been using since 8th grade, but didn't find out about it until recently. This is something many of us have been through, and although it practically killed us, we are still alive to tell the tale - we are here for you! Although Diana is in the Partial Program at Gateway, Elizabeth has many questions as this is all so new to her. They don't have a contract or PO for Diana yet. Do they need it? Please keep coming to meetings; you will learn the answer from our collective experience, and become confident in what ever decision you make for your daughter.
Francoise and Brigitte's son Pierre is acting up. He was in IOP, then bumped up to Partial, and soon on his way to in-patient. He is a tough kid according to mom and dad; Brigitte and Francoise removed Pierre's door as a consequence for his defiance, but it isn't enough. Recently, Pierre verbally threatened his mom, and Brigitte felt frightened enough to lock herself in the bathroom and call Francoise. They are probably going to bring charges against him so Pierre will have a PO. Francoise and Brigitte already have shown they are willing to do what is necessary to step up and regain control of their home. They just need a bit more support, like a BULLDOG ON A LEASH...(the PSST term for PROBATION OFFICER!)
Welcome back to PSST Veteran Milly, with a message of hope. Her son Will, addicted to heroin, has been clean since 4/26/2006. He is now a Drug and Alcohol counselor at Liberty Station. Milly wants us all to know that PSST "changed my life", and, "where there is a heartbeat, there is hope." Thanks Milly, we all needed to hear that!
Cheryl and Jim's son Andy has used alcohol, weed and "other" for a long while. Sadly, Andy has developed some serious health issues as a result, but everyone is staying strong. He is doing well in his half-way house...he won "cleanest room" and "most improved"! Isn't it amazing how little things like this mean so much? We all pray for Andy's continued recovery and good health.
Dylan, Jenn and Brad's son primarily has behavioral issues. He does smoke cigarettes, and would probably smoke weed, but has no cash (good for you, Brad and Jenn!).
Dylan had just finished an integrated services program that helped de-escalate his defiance, and his physical and verbal abuse is toned down. They are going to start family based mental health counseling. Brad and Jenn, sounds like you have a good team of professionals behind you, and we always are interested in new therapeutic strategies. Keep coming back for support, and to learn a few other tricks that may help you out in a confrontation with Dylan.
Candy and younger daughter Tiffany came to give us an update on older daughter Tori. Tori is 6 months clean (from weed and pills), living in a female 1/2 way house. The family has seen tremendous personality changes (for the better) over the last few months. Tori is now in an honesty stage which is great, but she is still pushing the limits, so she will stay at her current placement for 3 more months. Always great to have you with us, Candy! For all the Newbies, The Spellings are another family who did what we all would have considered unthinkable before PSST; they stood up in court and brought charges against Tori for possession, had her court ordered into treatment, and had a PO assigned to her. Candy and Aaron believe Tori is alive now because of this; if you have any doubts about going to court to bring charges against your kid to save his life, just talk to Candy (and Violet, and Rocco and Sally, and Jane, and Daisy....)
We had a new parent with us today named Marilyn. Her daughter Audrey is 15, adopted from Moscow. Audrey is very angry, and is verbally abusive towards her mom. Marilyn wisely took Audrey for a urine screen to rule out drugs. Thankfully it was clean. Marilyn is at her wits' end and is unsure what to do. If you keep coming back, Marilyn, hopefully you will learn some skills that will help you communicate better with Audrey. You may also get ideas from other parents about possibilities for mental health treatment. Look for the upcoming post about MST....
Daisy's 15 year old son Ozzie is getting ready to be discharged from his placement. Daisy's petals are wilting with worry, as Ozzie has a 31 hour home pass...this will be a true test for both of them. Can Ozzie be home for this amount of time and remain respectful and calm? Can Daisy remember to use all her PSST tools and remain calm as well? Can't wait until 31 hours from now to hear the result...DING! Hour 32...and great news. A successful visit! WHEW...more to come very soon...Ozzie gets discharged tomorrow!
BREAK.....DELICIOUS PASTRIES.....DELICIOUS COOKIES BAKED BY WILMA'S HUSBAND FRED....
If you come to a PSST meeting, we feed your stomach AND your soul!!
We came back from our break with time to do 3 Role Plays
Role Play #1 – Dealing With Old “Friends”
The hardest thing that most of our teens have to face up to is avoiding people they have ever used drugs / alcohol with, or even people that may be a trigger for them to use drugs / alcohol. Our teens always tell us that they cannot leave their friends, and developmentally, adolescents value friends and peers above all else. Therefore, it is a loaded subject on a good day!
This role play was a mom visiting her son in an inpatient recovery facility and going over the “friends” issue BEFORE the kid gets a home pass or discharge.
After the usual pleasant greeting mom and son get down to the main issue – the rules of recovery and his probation dictate the need to avoid his old friends for a minimum of ninety days when he comes back home.
SON: Man, mom there you go again. You are like always trying to control me and change me. There is no way that I can leave my friends. You don’t get it, like they are my real family, they are the only ones that know me, you know?
MOM: I know it is tough to… (trying to agree)
SON: No you don’t know, mom, you never know, you don’t even have any friends. You lock me away for all this time and then tell me I can’t see my friends.
MOM: I agree that it is really… (trying to agree, even though interrupted)
SON: You just like to control everyone, you caused all of this because you are some kind of control freak…
MOM: (realizes it is hopeless to make a point at the moment) Take your time and tell me what you have to say. Let me know when you are done and then I will take my turn to talk.
SON: My friends only used because I supplied the with everything. If I stop using they will stop using. They understand me and you don’t. You never understand me. You are always doing everything for the rest of the family. You treat me different. My brother the nerd can have all of his nerd friends around anytime he likes and the girls they can do whatever they like whenever they want but you always need to control me. You are like my biggest trigger. You are the reason I use, you make me want to use with all of your rules and you don’t even know what it’s like to have any friends. I can stop using anytime I am ready. I already stopped until that time the cops caught me. Just give me one good reason why I can’t use…
MOM (staying calm): I like how honest and open you can be with me. I really appreciate it when we can talk like this. I have friends honey. I have friends at my parents group…
SON: Friends? At that Saturday Morning cult thing? Run by that $%&*# P.O.? You control all of them, you control that P.O., you tell them all what to think…
MOM (calmly): Hold on now, this is my turn to talk right now. Wow, I wish I had that kind of power to control things like you say! (this is an agreement) Never the less, the reason you cannot see your friends is because you used with them. Therefore, they are a trigger for you to use again.
SON: They only used because I wanted them too, they have been clean since I have been in here…
MOM: (calmly) Wait, it is still my turn to talk. They may or may not be clean.. never the less, you used with them, no matter who’s idea it was, you used with them and you will want to use with them again. Let’s just say that for the first 90 days that you will have to avoid them.
SON: But they are clean, how about if they come to meetings with me?
MOM: I am not comfortable with that. Let’s just try this for a 90 day trial period and then we can talk about it.
SON: So, like, I can see my friends in 90 days?
MOM: Let’s agree to talk about you seeing your friends in 90 days, okay.
Son reluctantly agrees, for now. Get on with the rest of your visit. The entire visit doesn’t have to be a learning moment.
- The key is for the parent to stay calm throughout this conversation. If you feel like you are going to lose it or just need a break, do not hesitate to excuse yourself to step away for a moment to get a drink, or just to calm down and to regain your composure. If things are going really downhill you may want to ask one of the counselors to join in to help moderate..or maybe, it is time for the visit to be over. Do not feel pressured into staying the entire time with a teen who is being difficult and/or disrespectful. Walking away sends a message that you will not tolerate their treatment of you; they no longer have this power. It also "leaves them hanging", unsure of what you will do or say next. It will give them a chance to cool off and try the conversation again under better control.
- Oscar nominee: Jessica portrayed son Herman in this role play, and by everyone's standards, she imitated her son perfectly, including not making any eye contact, not wanting to be touched, and continually talking with intensity. Veteran PSST parent Milly, playing the mom, did not hesitate to lean towards him for emphasis, but did not overdo it. (leaning in towards them can be a powerful non-verbal statement, but you must know your child and their limits). Milly also wisely remained calm and let Jessica/Herman "get it all out". Trying to reprimand a teen in this state for interrupting and not allowing you to speak is a waste of time, and a battle you will lose.
We often recommend parents starting difficult conversations with “I have something to tell you that you are not going to want to hear. If you get angry and want to walk away it is okay…” Usually this will make our oppositional kids want to stay (just to prove you wrong) but it will almost always peak their attention. If they walk away, that is okay; the conversation wasn’t going to go anywhere anyway. You will always have another chance to bring up the subject later.
Role Play #2 – Dealing With Anger...Yours!
Many parents have a lot of anger and resentment surrounding the teen in recovery. It may stem from past offenses (such as stealing from the home, continuous lies) or, we are so tired from trying to do our best to reach out and help our kid, only to be rebuffed. We are conflicted as to what to do with this anger and where to direct it, because to hold on to it is unhealthy physically and emotionally. The purpose of this role play was to demonstrate that this resentment and anger is not unusual. It is part of a cycle of co-dependency we have with our kid, and we need to break it. This includes getting professional counseling for ourselves, and learning how to detach (with love) from our addicted child. In addition, we recommend trying to put your anger towards the disease of addiction. You can love your child, and hate the disease. You can hate what your kid has done under the influence, and hate what the disease has done to the family. But understand that venting our anger towards our children is unproductive. The kids are not in a good state of mind at this point, and will easily fall into the trap of blaming the parent's attempts to help them, as well as the parent's anger, to justify drug use and behavior. This does not mean the kid should get a pass. On the contrary; PSST believes strongly parents MUST continually hold their child accountable for all offenses. Only when the teen has had significant clean time, is honestly working a recovery program, their brain matured and caught up, will there be a chance of the teen taking a "moral inventory" and make honest apologies to the offended.
But in the meantime, PSST mom Joan needs help NOW! She is so angry with daughter Melissa, Joan needs a role play on how to deal with this when she visits her in placement: Joan agreed to play her daughter, and Lloyd agreed to act as the mom:
MOM: (Keep very calm) So listen honey, I have thought about this for a while. I am afraid that I have handled things badly when it comes to talking with you.
DAUGHTER: You got that right…
MOM: (Stay calm) I know. It seems that I always end up yelling or crying and our conversations go nowhere. I have…
DAUGHTER: Yeah you really do have some issues mom…
MOM: (Remain calm) I have some real anger issues, don’t I? I can be a real b*tch sometimes!
DAUGHTER: Yeah, that’s what I’ve been saying. You are the one with issues, not me. I don’t know why I am in here - you are the one that needs help…
MOM (No matter what your child says stay focused): So listen honey, I need your help. (or.."you're right, I do need help..from you!) I am going to try to make this a pleasant visit for us both. If things get too tough for me I just want you to know that I may need to get up and get my composure back. I am not leaving, I might just need a drink of water, some air or just a few minutes to clear my head.
DAUGHTER: You need some professional help mom, that’s what you need. I’m really worried about you. I am in good shape. I have been clean for two weeks now so can I get out of here. I can come home and help you.
MOM Remaining calm): We are really good at pushing each others' buttons aren’t we? We know just what to say to get to each other, and I want to try to avoid that from now on…
DAUGHTER: You’re not even listening to me, are you? You never listen, it’s always all about you! I am the one that’s locked up here, not you! How would you like it….
MOM: (Very calmly): I know it is really tough for you honey but listen; this is one of my moments. I just need to get up and stretch for a couple of minutes. Can I get you a drink or candy or something? I will be right back.
During your visits with your child do not be afraid to take a time out. Toughing it out and allowing your anger to build will only lead to you both saying something you will regret. It is better to take a time out and decompress. Remember: The issue is not that you become angry; it is how you handle your anger.
Don’t be afraid to take some of the blame – agree with your teen! Remember, taking the blame gives you the power. Let your child know that this is going to be the new you – do not enable them by losing control – be a good role model for your child.
When you get back into your car feel free to vent – do some primal screams, cry, bang your head into a cushion, punch-out a Tickle-me-Elmo, let it all out – but don’t let them have the satisfaction of seeing that they can control you and your emotions.
As said previously: Whenever visits do get out of control do not hesitate to cut them short. Make sure that you share results of your visits, good and bad, with their counselors. That is part of the purpose of your visits and reestablishing a relationship with your teenager.
Discussion/ short Role Play #3 – We Are Also Addicts; We Are Addicted To Our Kid!
Sometimes we don't realize it. Sometimes we can't help it. But once we take a step back, we realize...we did it again. We are so addicted to our teen that we caved and said "yes", gave them a few bucks, felt sorry or frightened so we gave them a ride (just this one more time...).
Your teen knows what triggers you. They know how many times they must ask before you finally break. They know what manipulates you. Acquiessing to their requests does the same thing for you as taking a drug does for them. Doing things for them makes you feel good, needed, and in control...but only for a moment. How do we stop this? By being honest and letting your kid know. Yes, you are addicted to them, that you are their biggest enabler and that starting today you need them to help you (in a big way) in your recovery - by not giving you the opportunity to enable them. Calmly let your child know that this is going to be the new you – (do not further enable and empower them by losing control and yelling or crying!)
Kid: Mom, can I go up the street to meet my friends?
Mom: I thought we went over this...you may not just wander up the street and hang out on the corner with a group of kids.
Kid: At least I asked you this time! I could have just LEFT and not told you where I was going. I am trying SO HARD and you don't care!
Mom: You know what honey, you are RIGHT. You are trying hard. Never the less, you are asking me to do something you know you aren't allowed to do.
Kid: OMG, mom!! I have nothing! If I don't go out, I will never have any friends any more! Is that what you want, for me to have nothing?
Mom: Of course I want you to have friends. I really wish that I could say yes to you right now. You know why? Because I am addicted to you! I am your biggest enabler, and enabling is MY DRUG!
Kid: WTF, mom...you have gone off the deep end - I don't even get what you are saying!
Mom: What I am saying is this. I have an addiction problem too; my drug of choice is YOU. I need your help - serious help - because if I follow my addiction and do what it tells me to, I end up enabling you! So from now on, help me out by not asking me for money, tobacco, friends or to take you places that will trigger your addiction, because that will trigger mine.
Kid: I still don't get it
Mom: I am in recovery too! I would NEVER give you a bag of pills while you are in recovery. So don't hand ME a bag of excuses so that I end up enabling you!
Once again; Take the blame / Take the Power!
This is the new me:
Hi, my name is ______________ – I am an addict – My drug of choice is enabling you - I am in Recovery – I will no longer enable you. Just one day at a time.
