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"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Daisy is a ROCK STAR!
Posted by:Max--Monday, February 28, 2011

My dear friend Daisy and I often talk about our kids together, helping each other through difficult moments and comparing notes after interactions with our boys.

When I started to get to know her (in our sons "family night" at Gateway Out Patient), she was more of a "Shrinking Violet" than a blooming Daisy (with no offense meant to our other dear friend Violet!)

I begged her to come to PSST with me. She was a bit reluctant, but then I said "I'll drive you and we'll pick up donuts!" I'm not sure which made her come with me, but come with me she did.

At first, I nudged her. "You ought to introduce yourself to Kathie T...she may have some good ideas for you and Ozzie" I would whisper. She would always say "No, I don't really want to bother her.....".

Then, BOOM - one day it happened. I don't know what event or interaction with Ozzie "triggered" Daisy, but she became more and more assertive, less and less of a pushover, and didn't cry so easily over Ozzie's comments.

She had become PSST POWERFUL.

I knew she had arrived when she stood up in court and said "I want my son to get help and I am not comfortable with him coming home" - this, after he had already been away for a month.

The Daisy I knew originally would never have done this; The Daisy I met would cry at the thought of the possibility of her son going in patient.

THIS Daisy didn't cry at all.

THIS Daisy was very calm when Ozzie started yelling at her in court "why, why are you doing this to me?"

Daisy calmly answered "because I love you". I walked out in the hall with her, and she felt relief. I, on the other hand, felt sick to my stomach. I was much more anxious than she was. She became a ROCK STAR and I am her devoted FAN!

She has come further still. Daisy and I often talk about how disrespectfully our kids sometimes speak to us. We often burst out laughing at the outlandish ways in which our boys would assert their power, and try to intimidate or manipulate us.

Why did we laugh?

Because, when we weren't in the heat of the moment, and could review with each other, it became so clear how outrageous their behavior and attitudes are.

With this in mind, I would like to share another amazing Daisy moment:

Ozzie is scheduled for another home pass this weekend from his RTF before his discharge date in 2 weeks. Daisy and his counsellors know that he gets annoyed at his mom very quickly if she doesn't do or say what he wants, especially in front of other people.

Daisy is sick and tired of every visit starting or ending with Ozzie being in a snit and acting rudely towards her, which turns into a "big talk" before everyone settles down to enjoy the time they have left together.

The straw that broke off Daisy's stem was this past Tuesday's visit. Ozzie started having one of his "OZZFEST" attitudes.

Daisy wisely said "I'm going to cut the visit short and leave". Ozzie went nuts. He begged and pleaded to give him a few more minutes to "calm down and talk".

But Daisy had enough; she was sick of being disrespected for perceived slights. She refused to stay and walked out, went home and went to bed....without guilt!

This morning she called Ozzie's' counselor
and told her "I am not comfortable with Oz coming home on a pass this weekend, and "I want to be the one to tell him so he realizes IT IS MY DECISION ALONE".

Daisy was actually making sure she took all the blame, in order to keep the power.

When she talked to Ozzie, Daisy made her case clear:

She will no longer tolerate his disrespect, and she is not willing to be intimidated by him any longer. Her actions of walking away and denying the pass matched her strong words; she walked the walk and talked the talk! DAISY, YOU ROCK!!

Daisy realized deep in her gut what she knew all along in her head: this was a classic Ozzie manipulation, and she had been unconsciously feeding into it by staying and talking.

Daisy and I both admit we are guilty of giving in to this "feeding frenzy" because there is an underlying fear in some of us moms that says "what if I walk away (like I should), but this time he really does need me?"

The problem is, we are believing the powerful emotions we feel when our kids needle us, rather than trusting the reality of the situation. We are frightened to trust our intellectual knowledge, because our guts are telling us to feel otherwise.

How to get over this? DETACHMENT is the only answer (you can use "Refocus" if "Detach" sounds too harsh).

It isn't easy, it won't come on it's own, we have to WORK at understanding what the kid is actually DOING, and work at understanding ourselves and what triggers our "magical thinking".

As Daisy and I often say to each other "once you see the truth behind the lies and manipulations, once you know what it is really going on, there is no going back!"

Come and join us at one of our PSST meetings. Talk with us, and other parents like us, as well as our professionals (probation officers and counselors) on how to detach, stop enabling and where to get the assistance that you and your child need to solve your behavior / addiction issues.

There is no cost, no registration and no obligation; put a stop to the chaos, confusion and sleepless nights in your home.


Lloyd Woodward said...

Daisy you really do rock. Thanks for sharing Daisy's story with us Sally.

Ozzie talked to me about this today. He belives that it was 70 percent his fault and 30 percent Daisy's fault! He wants to evoke guilt in Daisy by telling her that it is really her fault that it all started, but after that it was his fault that he behaved the way he did. In other words, Ozzie is still putting himself on equal footing with Daisy and causing Daisy to feel guilt is his major way to keep Daisy in her place.

It is incredible that Ozzie is finishing a program; however, he is posturing for power even before his release. He has to test to find out where the limits really are. As parents, we need to posture for power also PRIOR to release. That's why it was a really good thing that Daisy managed to shake Ozzie up. Keep it up Daisy! As somone on this blog recently said, "We have always had the power we just needed to decide to use it."

Jessica said...

You are one of the most kind and sincere persons I have met, but you definitly do have that PSST "swagga" about you. You go girl!

Sally said...

Daisy, you do really rock. To give the credit where credit is due this was written and posted by Max (who also rocks). In fact all of us in PSST ROCK! So let's all keep on Rockin' - Sally

Max said...

Sally, you are so sweet to notice. I will take the credit and hence THE BLAME!!

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with Max! I hope you realize how strong you are! Acknowledge the accolades that come your way....and no "Yes, but's...."! You have been such a source of strength and comfort to me, and we have been able to share some laughs when we "debrief" over some of the truely ridiculous interactions that we sometimes allow ourselves to get caught up in. Continue to believe in yourself and remember your PSST posse has your back! Big Hugs your way! Jane

Wilma said...

Daisy, You rock girl!! and in the words of one of my favorite rock stars "I'll be there for you." I feel that you have been there for me. Sharing your story has given me strength. I can't even count the number of times I have been in the feeding frenzy situations that Max described. Mostly I would feel helpless, angry and disbelief that I was in that situation. it starts out with something innoccuous and the next thing you know things have escalated out of control. You have shown it doesn't have to be that way. Coming to PSST has been such a lifeline for me. Keep on Rockn'!!


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