THE PLAN: SIMPLIFICATION
LOVE, ACCOUNTABILITY, EXAMPLE
(Note-you can find part-one of Ed's post here.)
Have you ever been so angry, confused, frustrated and afraid as a result of the chaos in your life and that of your family caused by the actions of someone close to you who is suffering and struggling with the disease of addiction that you just did not know where to turn or how to react? I know that I have, more than once, numerous times. And most likely, you have, or you probably would not be reading this blog.
Surely, all of us who do experience or have experienced these feeling understand, at some level, that they are valid, and that we did not cause the situations that bring them into our lives. Thus, much of our anger becomes directed at the perpetrator, as we see them, our addicted loved one
What is wrong with this picture, or is there anything wrong other than the addiction, which in itself, presents everyone involved with plenty of wrong to go around?
I nearly gave up. Everything was terrible. You may know the feeling. I finally had to ask myself, “What do I owe this person—my son?” It was a question that had to be answered in my heart and in my head, or giving up and becoming an on-going, hopeless victim was inevitable.
I was in a struggle for reason and, in a real sense, sanity as I had previously known it. It haunted me for days, weeks, perhaps months. I was actually considering disowning my addicted son who, himself, I knew was suffering deeply. What kind of a father would ever do that? It was something that I knew needed a lot of hard work on my part. So, I sucked it up, and did the work. Here is how that went.
I committed a specific amount of time each day to consideration of and making notations about my thoughts and feeling on the matter, attempting to view, objectively, the past and current events around it. Twenty minutes a day, alone in a quiet place, contemplating past and current events and the future.
Outside of that committed time, I made every effort possible to focus on my life, my business, and others around me without the interruptions caused by the problems of my son’s addiction―not an easy task, as you can imagine, when a substantial portion world around you, at times, seems to be going mad.
But, as in a world heavily influenced by addiction nothing is easy or simple, we can improve as we go, and we can control our own attitude one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, moment-to-moment.
But, how—how can we do that? The answer for me came through what I would call simplification. We have all heard it. In the programs it is often referred to as the “KISS” principle, “Keep It Simple Stupid!”.
Well, keeping it simple for me proved to be not so stupid after all. In fact, it became the basis of an even more powerful mantra, at least for me. It is mantra that I carry with me now constantly, a mantra that has proved its value to me over a number of years—Love, Accountability, Example. This is what I discovered that I owed my addicted adolescent, and still owe to my addicted adult son.
Love, unconditional love, is the first thing that I discovered through my contemplations that I owed to my addicted son. I am responsible for his conception and birth, how can I not be responsible for loving him? And, actually loving my son enough to watch or, at times, even cause him suffering in order to facilitate positive change in his life—well, that, to me, seems to be a higher standard of love.
Accountability is the second thing that became obvious to me that I owed my addicted son. Everyone wants their children to become productive, responsible, happy adults. In order for that to happen, we must hold them accountable for their actions, and love them enough to initiate the appropriate consequences when necessary.
And, Example, an excellent example, is the third thing that I concluded that I owed my addicted son. Our children learn by observing us. We must set an excellent example, if we expect them to succeed. In order to nurture people of integrity, we must be people of integrity.
Are there other things that we owe the addicts in our lives? Well, possibly. But, I have found, over the years, that virtually all of the other things that I have been able to think of or have run across, can be, somehow, relegated into those three categories.
Our addiction incessantly attempts to complicate our lives, often by convincing us, in our addicted state of confusion, that all of the minutia is of the utmost importance. So, now you have the plan to beat it—simplification.
Your plan may or may not be or even include Love, Accountability and Example. But, that is what has worked for me in restoring day-to-day sanity to my life, and helping to produce positive results in the life of my chemically addicted son, who, after 20 years of active use, is now approaching one year clean and sober.
Whatever you may find that works for you, simplification, as opposed to complication, seems a good and logical place to start your search.
LOVE, ACCOUNTABILITY, EXAMPLE
(Note-you can find part-one of Ed's post here.)
Have you ever been so angry, confused, frustrated and afraid as a result of the chaos in your life and that of your family caused by the actions of someone close to you who is suffering and struggling with the disease of addiction that you just did not know where to turn or how to react? I know that I have, more than once, numerous times. And most likely, you have, or you probably would not be reading this blog.
Surely, all of us who do experience or have experienced these feeling understand, at some level, that they are valid, and that we did not cause the situations that bring them into our lives. Thus, much of our anger becomes directed at the perpetrator, as we see them, our addicted loved one
What is wrong with this picture, or is there anything wrong other than the addiction, which in itself, presents everyone involved with plenty of wrong to go around?
I nearly gave up. Everything was terrible. You may know the feeling. I finally had to ask myself, “What do I owe this person—my son?” It was a question that had to be answered in my heart and in my head, or giving up and becoming an on-going, hopeless victim was inevitable.
I was in a struggle for reason and, in a real sense, sanity as I had previously known it. It haunted me for days, weeks, perhaps months. I was actually considering disowning my addicted son who, himself, I knew was suffering deeply. What kind of a father would ever do that? It was something that I knew needed a lot of hard work on my part. So, I sucked it up, and did the work. Here is how that went.
I committed a specific amount of time each day to consideration of and making notations about my thoughts and feeling on the matter, attempting to view, objectively, the past and current events around it. Twenty minutes a day, alone in a quiet place, contemplating past and current events and the future.
Outside of that committed time, I made every effort possible to focus on my life, my business, and others around me without the interruptions caused by the problems of my son’s addiction―not an easy task, as you can imagine, when a substantial portion world around you, at times, seems to be going mad.
But, as in a world heavily influenced by addiction nothing is easy or simple, we can improve as we go, and we can control our own attitude one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, moment-to-moment.
But, how—how can we do that? The answer for me came through what I would call simplification. We have all heard it. In the programs it is often referred to as the “KISS” principle, “Keep It Simple Stupid!”.
Well, keeping it simple for me proved to be not so stupid after all. In fact, it became the basis of an even more powerful mantra, at least for me. It is mantra that I carry with me now constantly, a mantra that has proved its value to me over a number of years—Love, Accountability, Example. This is what I discovered that I owed my addicted adolescent, and still owe to my addicted adult son.
Love, unconditional love, is the first thing that I discovered through my contemplations that I owed to my addicted son. I am responsible for his conception and birth, how can I not be responsible for loving him? And, actually loving my son enough to watch or, at times, even cause him suffering in order to facilitate positive change in his life—well, that, to me, seems to be a higher standard of love.
Accountability is the second thing that became obvious to me that I owed my addicted son. Everyone wants their children to become productive, responsible, happy adults. In order for that to happen, we must hold them accountable for their actions, and love them enough to initiate the appropriate consequences when necessary.
And, Example, an excellent example, is the third thing that I concluded that I owed my addicted son. Our children learn by observing us. We must set an excellent example, if we expect them to succeed. In order to nurture people of integrity, we must be people of integrity.
Are there other things that we owe the addicts in our lives? Well, possibly. But, I have found, over the years, that virtually all of the other things that I have been able to think of or have run across, can be, somehow, relegated into those three categories.
Our addiction incessantly attempts to complicate our lives, often by convincing us, in our addicted state of confusion, that all of the minutia is of the utmost importance. So, now you have the plan to beat it—simplification.
Your plan may or may not be or even include Love, Accountability and Example. But, that is what has worked for me in restoring day-to-day sanity to my life, and helping to produce positive results in the life of my chemically addicted son, who, after 20 years of active use, is now approaching one year clean and sober.
Whatever you may find that works for you, simplification, as opposed to complication, seems a good and logical place to start your search.
1 comment:
I find words of wisdom and hope in your post, as my recent high school grad 18-year-old son, who lives with us, has relapsed.
It is great that your son has been clean and sober for one year! Best wishes to all.
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