We've discussed this a lot at PSST meetings and lately this issue has come up a bit for me dealing with parents outside of group. Some of our posts on preparing for and dealing with home passes are buried deep in our blog. I'm going to attempt to unbury them by placing links on this post. The first one is Home Pass from Institution: 10 things to keep in mind. In re-reading this, I realize that there are really eleven things to keep in mind. The comment at the end brings up #11, which is sex during home passes! Don't think it can't happen.
The next post is entitled Preparing for a Six-hour Home Pass. This is a little introduction to an earlier post followed by a link to our original role-play from 1997. If you don't see the link there or if you want to skip straight to it click original role-play.
I just noticed that the original was written almost exactly three years ago! In fact, the role-play mentions an Easter Visit.
I hope you all had a Happy Easter. I also wish all of you to have either (1)the best ever visits with your teenagers or better yet, I wish that (2)you all learn important stuff about what's going on inside that teenager-head!
In a way a home pass with your teenager is like lifting the hood of your car and checking the oil. When we see that we are a quart low (or sometimes two) we feel bad. Nevertheless, it's really good that we looked under there isn't it? The things our teens do and say on home passes are often indicative of what they are really thinking. Sometimes we can even see what they intend to do after discharge. We need to know. Sometimes it hurts, but it's always better to know than not to know. Sometimes we leave them in treatment longer because we hope they can either find the quart of oil they need, or better yet, just have the oil and the filter changed.
Also, while they are in inpatient we hope they will find "the miracle." However, we are not always aware that by not allowing them to manipulate us on a home pass we are providing treatment ourselves. When we stand firm on our talking points or when we stand up to them, look them in the eye, and say something like:
"No, not this time- this time we do it our way. And while you're in treatment, we hope that you come to understand that things at home are going to be different when you return."
Bam. Boom. The parent(s) who do this have just delivered perhaps a more effective treatment than the teenager got all week in the rehab. Rather than compare effectiveness of treatments it would be better to point out that the treatment administered by the parent compliments and enhances the treatment administered by the rehab.
In other words, the teenager who just got his "chain rattled" because he could no longer manipulate his parent on a home pass is now primed for treatment at the rehab. On the other hand, the parent who is still afraid to upset his teenager or is afraid to have a "bad visit" has confirmed to the teenager that it is still the teenager who is all-powerful. That all-powerful teenager is going to have a difficult time making good use of the treatment at the rehab. Instead, we are going to hear, "he's not ready."
Think about it. Why should he change? He is still powerful enough to scare his parents even though he is in inpatient isn't he? This teen will cruise though treatment knowing that when he comes home he'll still be the one-in-charge.
The next post is entitled Preparing for a Six-hour Home Pass. This is a little introduction to an earlier post followed by a link to our original role-play from 1997. If you don't see the link there or if you want to skip straight to it click original role-play.
I just noticed that the original was written almost exactly three years ago! In fact, the role-play mentions an Easter Visit.
I hope you all had a Happy Easter. I also wish all of you to have either (1)the best ever visits with your teenagers or better yet, I wish that (2)you all learn important stuff about what's going on inside that teenager-head!
In a way a home pass with your teenager is like lifting the hood of your car and checking the oil. When we see that we are a quart low (or sometimes two) we feel bad. Nevertheless, it's really good that we looked under there isn't it? The things our teens do and say on home passes are often indicative of what they are really thinking. Sometimes we can even see what they intend to do after discharge. We need to know. Sometimes it hurts, but it's always better to know than not to know. Sometimes we leave them in treatment longer because we hope they can either find the quart of oil they need, or better yet, just have the oil and the filter changed.
Also, while they are in inpatient we hope they will find "the miracle." However, we are not always aware that by not allowing them to manipulate us on a home pass we are providing treatment ourselves. When we stand firm on our talking points or when we stand up to them, look them in the eye, and say something like:
"No, not this time- this time we do it our way. And while you're in treatment, we hope that you come to understand that things at home are going to be different when you return."
Bam. Boom. The parent(s) who do this have just delivered perhaps a more effective treatment than the teenager got all week in the rehab. Rather than compare effectiveness of treatments it would be better to point out that the treatment administered by the parent compliments and enhances the treatment administered by the rehab.
In other words, the teenager who just got his "chain rattled" because he could no longer manipulate his parent on a home pass is now primed for treatment at the rehab. On the other hand, the parent who is still afraid to upset his teenager or is afraid to have a "bad visit" has confirmed to the teenager that it is still the teenager who is all-powerful. That all-powerful teenager is going to have a difficult time making good use of the treatment at the rehab. Instead, we are going to hear, "he's not ready."
Think about it. Why should he change? He is still powerful enough to scare his parents even though he is in inpatient isn't he? This teen will cruise though treatment knowing that when he comes home he'll still be the one-in-charge.
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