Kurash warns parents that, if their child is stealing from them, that child has an addiction which has progressed significantly. “At that point, you need help. That child is far gone, deeply involved in substance abuse. Parents are reluctant to press charges against their own child, but this is an opportunity to get the legal system involved and get help.” Click here to go to full article in Spring 2009 Guide To Good Health.
Although they may feel overwhelmed and uncertain, parents are not helpless and their actions can go a long way in supporting their child’s recovery. Kurash recommends taking away their driving privileges. “If your child is getting high, he or she should not be driving. Many parents will still let them drive and this is dangerous. They WILL drive high. Plus, a car gives them the means to go to get drugs. If your child has a car or is still driving yours, pay attention to the car’s mileage; kids will go far to get drugs, to the hubs where there is a lot of drug activity.”
If there are prescription drugs in the home, lock them up. Substance abuse is a progression that commmonly begins with prescription drugs and alcohol. Sedatives such as Xanax or painkillers like Vicodin and Percocet are popular and are present in many homes. “Kids know where to look and will use what’s available; they like the relaxing effect of these drugs. Oxycontin leads right to heroin; the effect is the same and heroin is actually less expensive,” Kurash says.
Taking away cell phones and cash are also helpful measures. “These actions may not completely prevent your child from using, but they place obstacles before them that make it more difficult for them. If your child has a job and has their own money, make them accountable for it. A heroin habit can become expensive. Click here to go to full article in Spring 2009 Guide To Good Health.
NOTE: Thanks to Nicole Kurash who we contacted prior to posting. No profit is expected from these links back to Guide To Good Health magazine.
When Your Child Is Using Heroin: Help for Parents
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Coffee House Nation goes to Steeler Game
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, August 31, 2009
Special Thanks to The Steelers, and PSST parents Mary, Beth and Erv for making this outing and the tail-gating a big success. This is our third year going to a preseason Steeler Game. The seats were fantastic. I will post more pics at the CHN web page.
Type rest of the post here
Message from PSST parent.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, August 30, 2009
Hi Lloyd,
For the last hour of so I have been educating myself by reading your PSST nevertheless website. WOW! The myths of addiction were very helpful and I reread the way addicts manipulate a parent. I really should have started educating myself years ago. But I will not fret about that but simply try to 'catch up' now.
Cisco tried the guilting on me tonight. When I explained that he should NOT have ANY contact with [a certain peer]. He told me that his addiction is partially my fault...
I had to tell him twice that It is his addiction and I am not to blame. Our argument was short lived and by the time we returned home he ate dinner with us and even asked if he could set the table.
I hope and pray every day that he beats this thing.
Sally.
(Footnote: A second useful posting about Myths of Addiction.) (Image from Creative Card Gold licensed software.)
Take the Marijuana and Health Risks Quiz
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Research shows that today’s pot is addictive and causes harm to developing brains and lungs. To learn more about the health risks associated with marijuana, click here. Click the picture to the right to take the quiz.
Parents- the antidrug website is loaded with useful information. Click here to go to the main site.
Feeding the Enemy
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, August 17, 2009
Your teenager has a drug problem and is away in rehab. You still want to have your teenager's friends over the house. It feels very wrong not to let them visit your teenager when he is on home pass. After all, it's been weeks or even months since they've seen each other. You may be reading this and thinking, "Lloyd's writing about me!" Maybe I'm not writing about you because there are lots of parents who have admitted to having these feelings.
A few months ago, a mother was talking about the enjoyment she felt when she got to have her son's friends over the house and literally feeding them at her dinner table. She admitted that she knew that her son's friends did drugs but she also knew that they were basically good kids, and that they needed a place to hang out. In other words, these other teenagers that were friends of her son needed her too.
Reaching out to teenagers in your neighborhood might be a good idea; however, when your teenager has a drug problem it is a good idea gone bad.
It may feel wrong to consider your teenager's friends as enemies; however, since People, Places and Things are critical to a person's recovery, what you are really feeding is the disease of addiction.
We know that if a teenager remains in contact with his old friends that his chances of relapse go through the roof. Almost everyone who lapses has renewed old contacts first; however, what appears to be a simple 2 plus 2 equals 4 gets a bit complicated. How does this happen? What do we tell ourselves when we allow our teens to resume old friendships after they have been away in a drug rehab? Let's examine some ideas that might complicate this otherwise simple issue.
1. He has to have friends. If my teenager has to go a few months without friends it might damage him. He might develop emotional problems or depression. He might even relapse if he is lonely. No parent wants their child to be friendless.
Refutation #1: It won't hurt if he is temporarily friendless. It might even have a good effect. Nature abhors a vacuum, therefore, if your teenager is temporarily friendless he might make some new friends. If he holds onto the old friends he might have more trouble making the new ones. As far as emotional problems or depression, it does happen that sometimes depression sets in early in recovery. That can happen anyway and is probably not brought on by having no friends. What about family? Can't he become closer to family during this period?
2. My teenager's friends need help too. I just can't shut them out. They like being at my house more than they like being at their own home. They feel comfortable at my house. I don't feel good deserting them.
Refutation #2: Sometimes it's our needs as parents that are coming out. We like to be the cool parents. We love it that these kids feel most comfortable at our house! We must be doing something right if they all want to hang out at your house, right? No. Not when your teenager has a drug problem. Different priorities apply now. New rules. Suddenly, your teenager doesn't need to have the coolest Mom or Dad on the block. Your teenager needs to be less chummy with you and more held accountable by you. The key to helping most teenagers avoid returning to their previous party life is good tight parental supervision and the people, places and things are critical to that supervision.
3. It's rude to tell your old friends that you can't be friends anymore. I didn't raise my child to be rude. I raised my teenager to be loyal to his friends. I think he has to show them that he is not going to use drugs and they can stop too if they want to.
Refutation #3: Yes, but it's a rude disease. In fact, it kills teenagers. That's pretty rude. Sometimes you have to decide if you want a live teenager who is a bit rude or a dead one who has been very considerate towards every one's feelings.
4. If I only allow my teenager to see his old friends when I'm there I can make sure that nothing bad happens. Anyway I don't think his friends are bad people.
Refutation #4: As parents we send the most powerful messages to our teens by our actions not by our words. If we allow the old friends to be around some of the time, then our message that we do not approve of old friends is watered down. Apparently, we do not feel that contact with old friends is really that bad.
5. Some of my teenager's friends are clean now too. Some are even going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings. I think they can help each other stay clean.
Refutation #5: There is a saying in 12-step that your old friends will get you to use before you get them clean. You know that the reason that contact is bad is not because the old friends are bad people. The reason is that your teenager and those old friends are triggers for each other. They each make each other feel like using drugs. That's the whole entire reason. In fact, it's recommended in 12-step that newcomers hang with people who have significant clean time, not with other newcomers. Tell your teenager to run into his old friend at a meeting and leave him alone in between meetings. Tell him to wait until they both have a year clean before they try to hang out with each other. Quote from Tom M: "As a newcomer myself, I try to only hang with people in the program that have at least a year clean. If I meet a dude at a meeting who has 364 days clean, I say OK but call me tomorrow man, not today."
6. I'm never going to be able to stop my teenager from contacting his old friends. It's impossible. Why even try? I'm just going to make him be sneaky.
Refutation #6. This is the best one because it is often true; however, once again, we need to consider the message that we are sending our teenager because our message is really all we have. He will either (a)hear our message and listen, (b) hear our message and not listen, or (c)not even hear our message. Let's cut out the last one by sending him a message that he will at least hear. He can only hear it if we send it with our actions. He is not able to just hear our words anymore. Secondly, it is not always true. Some teenagers do give up their old friends. One thing we pretty much know is that if he does not give up his old friends he won't stay clean.
7. Everyone uses. It's not possible to stay away from everyone that abuses alcohol or drugs, so why bother? My teenager has to learn to live in the real world and the real world is full of substance abuse.
Refutation #7. Another tough one because it is often true. Consider however that while the world is full of drug abusers it is the very drug abusers that your teenager already knows and has used with that are the most dangerous. OK, anyone that abuses drugs or alcohol is dangerous, but the old friends have a special power over your teenager. It is possible too that your teenager will make new friends that don't' abuse drugs. It's just not as likely if they continue to hold onto the old friends. Remember, it's almost impossible for your teenager to stay clean if he renews his ties with his old friends; therefore, what have you got to loose by fighting the good fight?
8. I can't pick my teenager's friends for him.
Refutation #8. True. However, you can certainly pick some people with whom he will no longer associate. He can still be a friend to his old friends; just don't talk to them, don't email them, don't text them, don't hang out, don't ride in their cars, don't go to their My Space. At least don't do all that stuff if you want any money, want any computer privileges, want to drive, want to be allowed out, want to have a bedroom door, want to have snacks you like, want to have any television or phone privileges, want to buy new clothes or new shoes, want to have good reports go to your Probation Officer, want to get high again and end up back in a rehab or back in court! Really, parents have a lot more power usually than they realize they do- it's just a decision to use that power that is absent.
Don't think of it as feeding the old friends. Think of it as feeding your teenager's disease. The one that's trying to kill him.
Next: Refusal skills: a good way for your teenager to tell his old friends that he is unavailable.
Two Books That May Help
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Saturday, August 15, 2009
A book review by Linda
Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey through His Son's Addiction by David Sheff 2008
Tweak: Growing Up on Methamphetamines by Nic Sheff 2009
As a parent going frantic over my child’s drug use with its related anti-social behaviors and criminal activities, a dear friend suggested I read this set of books written by a father and son detailing the same issue...
Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey through His Son's Addiction by David Sheff 2008
Tweak: Growing Up on Methamphetamines by Nic Sheff 2009
As a parent going frantic over my child’s drug use with its related anti-social behaviors and criminal activities, a dear friend suggested I read this set of books written by a father and son detailing the same issue, the son’s drug addiction, from their very different perspectives. Eager to learn anything from another family that could help my family through this, I went to the library and got both books out as audiobooks that I listened to on my nightly drives to visit my son in the detention center.
Beautiful Boy, the father’s book described the emotional rollercoaster he and the rest of the family members were on for years as Nic would cycle through periods of using and recovery. Theirs was a family that survived a divorce when Nic was young to become two homes that contained many markers of success. Nic shuttled between both parents in a shared custody arrangement and both homes were filled with loving relationships that provided young Nic with support and parents attentive to meeting his needs. But such a life of abundance did not prevent Nic’s genetic predisposition toward addiction from becoming realized when he entered the teenage years of experimentation. For him, experimentation triggered compulsions to keep the pleasurable sensations various drug could provide going forever. Nic would regularly smoke pot, do cocaine and Ecstasy, and develop addictions to crystal meth and heroin. His using would take him to depths of depravity and the brink of death. As Nic graphically describes his life in his book Tweak, he knew he hurt others, especially his family, when he was using which made him feel so bad that he would use more to escape from those bad feeling too. This story has a happy ending in that Nic has been clean long enough to write this book and David has been able to distance himself enough emotionally from his son’s highs and lows to be able to regain his own life in a more whole and healthy way.
So what did I learn from their story of their journey? The commitment to never giving up on your child was a powerful force that though extremely difficult for the parents and siblings was nonetheless critical to keeping the child alive long enough for him to learn how to manage his own addiction. I really appreciated the father’s searching for information, approaches, and alternatives that would help him understand how to help his child better. Things that work for others might not work for them in the same way at any given time, but trying something different or trying it again at a different part of the journey tended to work better or in a different way. I totally related to the father’s description of how his emotional state was locked into his child so that if his son was doing well, so was the father, but if the son was spinning out of control, the father was an emotional train wreck. The father eventually worked with a therapist to help him separate emotionally from his son and develop an emotional relationship that was healthier for both of them. My sense of this part of the story is that it was an important step for him to do at the time when he did it for his son was in his 20’s and was beginning to figure everything out himself. But I do not feel the father could have taken this step earlier. Knowing that the physiological changes that drugs make to the developing brain retard normal development, a kid’s chronological age is not their mental age when drugs are involved. It is right for parents to have high levels of involvement in pre-teens and young teens lives and be emotionally invested in helping them learn and grow. If a big kid’s body has a damaged brain so that his emotional development is of a little guy, then its normal for a parent to keep working on helping them grow. David Sheff’s story is an example of whatever it takes for that kid as long as it takes coupled with an awareness that he had to take care of himself and the other family members. The stresses and strains of his balancing act journey were ones I could relate to even though my child is only 16 so my family is early in the process. It gives me hope to hear that one day, this intensity will be over and a greater degree of emotional separation will be possible.
The son’s, Nic Sheff, book had many parts in it that were hard for me to hear about. I found the descriptions of the pleasurable aspects of drug use and the distorted thinking that accompanies it unbearable. The description of the unpleasant aspects of drug use and the struggles in recovery were much easier for me to listen to. To me that type of pleasure represented regression and made me scream while the struggle represented growth and forward movement and made me cheer. Nic gave me many insights into the driving force of compulsion and the sadistic seductiveness of the various drugs. One statement Nic made really struck me. He was talking about how when he was a kid, he worked with therapists who helped him understand some of the issues he was going through, like the divorce, but he didn’t know what to do with this awareness. His musings were about what difference did it make that he knew that some of his struggles were related to his parents’ breakup since knowing that did not help him cope with its effects any better. I found that insight from the kid’s perspective intriguing, alerting me to look more carefully at what therapy programs were and weren’t doing for kids since naming the problem was clearly not enough for Nic. He could not figure out the action steps to go with that knowledge to be able to make positive change.
I appreciated Nic’s life story for its ability to show me something about my son’s perspective. Tweak is billed as a young adult read so found in the juvenile literature section but I cannot say as I am comfortable recommending that my son read it yet. I could just imagine my child focusing on the pleasure passages and skipping over the pain passages. Nonetheless I did talk to him about the book and what I was learning from it.
My son pointed out that the kids he hangs with see the results of these very physically destructive drugs in the lives of the older addicts in the community. Looking at the horrible state these people are in seems to be a deterrent to him to trying those drugs. May it always be so.
links to the same audio file of an interview with both David and Nic Sheff
Read More......
Preparing for a six hour home pass.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, August 09, 2009
This role-play was written in April of 2007. I want to reprint it today with a quick introduction. First, it's never important when you talk to your teenager to say everything right. Not at all. Just say some things right and you're off to the races.
Secondly, there is not just one response that works. Different people will say different things and be just as effective.
Third, it helps to have your talking points memorized because a lot of this keeps going back to the positions that you have already decided upon. You might have to wait 30 seconds for that talking points link to open the word document, then you can view or save it to your computer.
Fourth, the positions that these parents take here are not the only ones that can be effective; however these positions reflect a healthy stance. For example, while there are at least two different positions to take on the "Smoking Cigarettes" issue, the committment to "Secrets Keep Us Sick," is not an issue that you can work around. You have to just buy that one. If you are going to let your teenager smoke on a home pass, and you've taken into consideration all of the repercussions, then be honest about it with the staff at the rehab.
Well, instead of cutting and pasting, which I just found out is not practical in this blog format, please just follow this link to the original.
MEETING ON! (Wexford 8-8-09)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, August 06, 2009
We are going to meet either outside of our normal meeting place or very close as we can find to there. Bring lawn chairs if you want but some of us are bringing lawn chairs so it's not really necessary because we will have extras and perhaps a picnic table. MEETING ON!
We can not meet at our normal place at the Alliance Office in Wexford. They are preparing for the Blast from the Past and they have their office pretty well cluttered with fund raising things.
If anyone wants to participate in Blast From The Past please follow this link (ticket prices are further reduced): Blast from the Past.
The Power to Make Us Quake
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, July 31, 2009
Living with a teen with a drug problem, or for that matter living with anyone with a drug problem is similar to living in a war zone. I have never been in an actual war zone and I don't mean any offense to our brave soldiers who defend our freedoms, but I know that living with an addict can cause a great deal of stress and it's fear that is the root of the stress. 2. To a friend or to your spouse in private. 3. To your therapist or clergy if you have one. 4. Sometimes it might be OK to mention it to your teenager, e.g., at the time that you are having the conflict. Dad: No. Teen: Dammit Dad, I told you yesterday I was going to need some money! Do you expect me to be the only one without money tonight? Movies aren't free! I told you I'm not buying drugs; that's the problem with you Dad, you don't trust anybody! You don't even really trust Mom! You're always asking her "what's this charge honey and what's that charge?" She hates that, man. You need to learn to trust. I told you yesterday I needed the money. Now I know you got it - DON'T EVEN TRY TO TELL me YOU Don't have it that's a bunch of horse sh&*. Dad: You know I feel stressed out when you pressure me like this. Teen: I'm not pressuring you- hey- UST GIVE ME THE TWENTY BUCKS THEN! Dad: I'm actually afraid of you when you're like this. Teen: What? What did you say? Dad: I'm afraid of you. Teen: Afraid of me? Why? Dad: You get so worked up and when you start pressuring me like that I can feel my chest pounding and sometimes I start with a headache. I guess I find you very difficult when your like this and I'm afraid that you are going to really go off- you know have a tantrum, start yelling and throwing things just because you can't have your own way and frankly, I'm afraid of you and of what you'll do. Teen: That's ridiculous. Dad: Well, it's how I feel often around you. Like I'm around a bomb and I never know exactly when it will go off. Teen: You just don't trust me, Dad, just trust me this time- please. I won't spend the money on drugs this time I promise! How are you ever going to learn to trust me if you won't give me a chance? Dad: Son, do you hear what I'm telling you cause if you need me to wait until you're done speaking then I'll wait and tell you again. Teen: What? That you're afraid of me? Dad: Yes. Teen: That's not what I'm talking about. Dad: I know. It's what I'm talking about. Teen: what? Dad: I'm afraid around you- I never know what you'll do- especially when you don't get your own way- that's the scary part for me. I get sweaty palms and I can feel a real tightness in my chest and it's like I need to get more air or something. Then, sometimes my head hurts too. And sometimes, this is really scary for me too- I know that I give into you just to get you to go away- you know, I actually give into you when I don't feel like it's the right thing to do, just so you'll go away. Teen: That's fu*&ed up. Dad: I know I know. Then, it gets worse! Teen: No way, this is fu*&ed up how could it get any worse? Dad: Then after I give into you I feel guilty cause I know that's not the right thing to do- so even after you're out of my face- I still feel bad- you see where I'm coming from? Teen: Look, Dad, you should see your therapist maybe they could give you something for this, but hey, I still need the money OK? I mean you don't want me stealing money or selling drugs to get money do you? Cause I can do that if you want me too. Dad: I'm afraid of you doing that too Son. So, let me tell you that the threats you're making, you know to steal or rob or sell drugs, that really is part of the pressure that I feel. Teen: This is way too much information Dad, just give me the 20 bucks already, you know you're going to give it to me in the end. Dad: You're right Son. In the past I just gave into you and, you know, it kind of helped to teach you that this pressuring thing you do is an effective way to get what you want. Well Son, I'm sorry- I should not have been giving in like that. But hey, I've got new way to look at this now. Teen: What's that. Dad: I'm not going to operate out of fear anymore. Teen: What's that mean? Dad: When I'm afraid and feeling all stressed out- I won't be making any decisions and I certainly won't be giving money or privileges. Teen: You are just a scardy cat baby you know that? Dad: Yes I suppose that has been a good description of me- especially when I just gave in to you so that you would stop pestering me. You're right about that. Teen: [glaring] So no money huh? Dad: No money. Teen: Cause I scare you. Dad: That's a big part of it. Teen: So if I calm down and talk nice you'll give me the money? Dad: No, but I'd like it if you did talk nicer. Teen: What's the point if you still aren't going to give me the money? Dad: Good point Son. You know I think you were right earlier when you accused me of not trusting you. I don't trust you. And the more you push me to give you money the less I trust you. Son: [Glaring] Oh that's just great- so after all the changes I made you still don't trust me?! Dad: No. And from now on I'm not going to give in and pay you off so you'll go away. And hey, if that means that you'll steal or sell drugs then let me thank you for the warning on that. If I find, and now I'll be looking harder, any stolen items or drugs in my house I'll call the police immediately. But like I said, thanks for the heads up because I wasn't thinking that you'd do that kind of stuff anymore. I thought you were past all that. Teen: You misunderstood what I said! I didn't say I was going to steal or sell drugs! And anyways, you're the one that would be making me do it-if I did do it and I'm not- cause you won't give me any money! Dad: I suppose in a way I am responsible then but it's still your decision and you'll deal with whatever consequences happen- just like you always do. Teen: This is fu&#d up [storms off]. (Notice that these role plays often don't end well. Don't judge the effectiveness of what you do with how your teen responds verbally. The fact that he storms off mad in this scenario only means that he heard you. He heard you and he didn't like what he heard.)
We can suggest techniques to help parents stop allowing themselves to be manipulated, e.g., see Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate; however, the resistance we sometimes have towards changing can be explained best as fear. Remember that it was Franklin D Roosevelt who is given the credit for this quote:
"So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself -- nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." (FDR's first inaugural address).
The first thing we as parents need to do is face our fear. I don't mean conquer our fear. Conquering our fears will be a journey not a destination, (Aerosmith) but every journey starts with the first step. The first step is to completely and unabashedly admit our fears...
It's not exactly the same as admitting powerlessness in 12-step recovery but it's very similar. Admit that we are powerless over feeling afraid and sometimes even terrified. This is something that we really cannot control. We can to some degree control what we do about it, but there is not a switch we can use to shut off the fear. In fact, our teenagers seem to have a switch they can use to increase our level of fear.
The problem with admitting that we are afraid is that we feel shame when we admit it. We feel horrible that we allow our children to make us quake with fear. And yet, we aren't the only ones feeling this! Parents everywhere are feeling the same thing. Get in touch with it. Allow yourself to feel it.
Ask yourself what does it feel like? Do you feel it in your chest as a sort of tightening? Do you start to breathe more rapidly? Do you tend to hold your breath. What does the anxiety feel like for you?
Just like the addict becoming more powerful when he admits that he is powerless over drugs, you can feel empowered by really admitting that you become very afraid around your teenager. It seems like the wrong approach-as though admitting a weakness is also a weakness; however admitting a weakness is not the weakness but to the contrary. If we are in a state of denial about our fear, we are paralyzed. Once we really admit it, we feel a release of the pressure.
I lived with a family member who was active in addiction. He was not a teenager at the time but I can tell you that I could feel the fear when I drove onto my street and saw that his vehicle was parked in front of the house. Likewise, I could feel the relief if I drove up to my house and saw that his vehicle was not there. If he was home I felt the stress caused by not knowing what was going to happen at any given moment. And yet, there I was trying to walk in the house as though nothing was wrong, as though I was not feeling fearful.
Often we are not in a situation where we can admit it. I mean it would not do for me to walk into my house and say, "Honey I'm home and I'm still terrified." However, there are places and times where it is appropriate and empowering to admit it. Let's look at some of those times.
1. At a PSST meeting.
As to that last one, how would that work to empower us? Consider the following:
Teen: Give me 20 bucks Dad. I need it.
Let's go back to FDR for a minute. I love the way he describes it: "nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes." It is unreasoning because our teens don't have all that much power really, not when you think about it. Similarly, it is unjustified terror. Once again, our children should need us more than we need them at this point in thier lives and really they are not more powerful than us. And the fear paralyzes us and stops us from taking the important steps we need to take.
I'm kind of reaching at the end of this post- I'll admit that- but I've always liked this quote from the Dune Trilogy, a science fiction thriller that I read as a kid.
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
- Frank Herbert, Dune (Bene Gesserit: Litany Against Fear)
And since I'm quoting now I must put in this one by Dale Carnegie:
"Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy."
- Dale Carnegie
More on waking up hard-to-wake teen.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, July 19, 2009
Type rest of the post here
This question came in from a parent.
How much money should a teenager contribute towards day to day home expenses?
After a little thought, what seemed to be an easy question got a complicated real quick (doesn't it always). The following was my reply. What else should be considered? What did I get wrong? What did I forget? Any personal successes or failures in this area that you want to share? This is a great opportunity to leave comments to help those who cannot attend the meetings.
The answer is complicated because there are so many factors to consider:
- Where is the teen working? For example, at a church or a restaurant that sells alcohol?
- Why is the teen working? Spending money, college fund, family support,pay back of expenses to the family, restitution?
- When is the teen working? 3-5 after school? 11-2 AM?
- Is work a location where old friends will be? Is work a place where theteen used or purchased drugs?
- How much money does the teen make? Is the teen accountable for how themoney is spent?
- How does work impact attending 12 step meetings?
- Is a car required?
- Is the job really code for unsupervised time away?
- All that being said, making payment to support the household is a very positive, symbolic step.
Read More......
Home pass from institution. 10 things to keep in mind!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, July 09, 2009
So your teenager is at Abraxas, Ridgeview, or Gateway and he is going to have his first block of time at home. Perhaps it's four hours, eight hours or several nights. What are the most important things to keep in mind?
1. Friends: Home passes are not to spend with friends. They are for family. Make that clear before you start the home pass. If your teenager has a problem with that then don't take him on the home pass. Some institutions make this clear to parents and some do not. This is a chance to flex some parent-muscle and demonstrate that things are going to be different from now on.
2. Home passes are triggers for teens. Supervise your teenager every minute or as close to that as you can: Consider that some teenagers are going to get high on home passes and some will even smuggle drugs back into the rehab. One girl that I used to work with went was on a home pass from Abraxas. She went out to get the mail. Unknown to her parents, she had already arranged with a friend via phone call to have some Heroin dropped off in the mail box. She went back to Abraxas high, smuggled heroin into Abraxas and got busted. The Mom was shocked. "I was with her every minute." Don't underestimate your teen. A home pass is a big relapse trigger.
3. Check your teenagers bedroom with a fine tooth comb before you bring him back home: Often this is when parents find drugs and money. Not only drugs but money should be confiscated because it was probably drug dealing money. Sometimes they hide things in the basement too.
4. Take him to a 12-step meeting: Choose a meeting labeled "open." This means that non-addicts (probably that describes you) are also allowed in the meeting. Go into the meeting with him but if he chooses a discussion group then let him enter that himself. Be there when he comes out of the discussion group. Ask him what he liked about the meeting. Try to get him to chat about his experience. See what your teens reaction is towards the meeting in general because this is a good way to get a read on how serious your teen is about his recovery.
5. Don't allow your teen to be in charge of the home pass: Show your teenager that you are not afraid to assume some leadership. You don't have to go the mall and walk around aimlessly. That is where he will run into peers. Anytime you suspect that your teenager wants to go to a certain place because he will run into peers, don't agree to go.
In fact you don't have to listen to loud music in the car unless you really like that kind of thing. Who is really in charge? If your teenager insists that you do what he wants because he has been cooped up in a rehab and it's only fair tell him he doesn't have to come on the home pass. Once again, it's time to show who is in charge. If you allow your teenager to be the one in charge on the home pass he has every reason to think that once he is released back home he will be in charge then too.
6. Decide whether or not you are going to let your teenager smoke cigarettes on the home pass and stick to your decision. This is a values thing. For example, your teenager is not allowed to smoke cigarettes in the rehab (unless he is in an adult rehab); therefore, don't allow him to smoke when he is off grounds because he is still a resident of that institution and he should continue to follow the rules. This is often a big point of contention. It is another place that parents can flex some parent-muscles.
Exceptions to this smoking rule might be if you smoke and you plan to smoke in front of him. That might be cruel. If he is 18 or over, the rehab might not care if he smokes on his home pass- check with his counselor and see how he feels about it.
If it has been bothering you that your teenager smokes cigarettes, especially if he is not old enough to purchase them himself, then this is not the time to go soft and decide to buy him a pack. Send him a message that says, "I don't approve and I will not enable you to smoke. Don't smoke on the home pass and if that is going to be a too difficult rule for you to follow, then don't take the home pass- just stay here in the rehab where you can follow the rules."
7. Don't try to make every moment a teachable moment: Your teen gets plenty of that in the rehab. Give him a break. Relax. Try to have a little fun. It's OK if you do something that he likes to do, like a movie or eating out at his favorite place. This might sound like a contradiction to #5, the "don't let your teen be in charge" but it's not. You are in charge and you should certainly plan to do some things that your teenager likes to do but, once again, if it looks like he is trying to use that to hook up with old friends or if they think they can torture you with rap music in the car that you hate- that's a different story!
8. Consider the music your teenager is listening to on the home pass- does it have a negative message? Then don't permit it. Confiscate it.
9. Don't be afraid to make your teenager angry. The success of the home pass is not going to be evaluated on how smooth it goes. In fact, this is the time to take the bull by the horns. If he can't handle a bit of supervision, and he flips out, then you carry that information back to the therapist. Now you've generated some therapeutic grist for the therapy mill. In other words, now the therapist has something important to discuss with your teenager. Likewise, if your teen decides not to go on the home pass, then the therapist can raise his eyebrows and pay attention to the fact that your teen doesn't even want to go off grounds unless he can call the shots. Ooops, that doesn't sound like someone who is ready for release, does it?
10. Don't keep secrets. No matter how small, if your teenager asks you not to tell his therapist that he has done something, e.g., smoked, saw a friend, has a fight with you, ran off without supervision, failed to attend a 12-step meeting, or just about anything else that he thought it important enough to ask you not to report on- DON'T do it. Secrets keep us sick and, once again, if you keep secrets on home passes, he has every right to expect you to keep secrets once he released back home. This is where he will try to guilt you. "Awww you're going to ruin everything! Just when I worked so hard! You don't want me to come home at all, do you? Click here to read more on how teenagers guilt parents on a regular basis as a manipulative technique.
Parents of PSST: please let me know what other things you think are important to consider by leaving a comment. If you are having trouble leaving a comment you can email to me at lloyd.woodward@court.allegheny.pa.us
Alert! New Schedule in effect so this is our ONLY meeting at Wexford in July.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, July 06, 2009
Lets hope for a nice turnout on July 11th. Our Wexford chapter has at times been our biggest meeting. I also think we have some good news to share about one or two teens whose parents have been suporting the Wexford PSST. Parent helping parent is a powerful thing...and we see it all the time in PSST.
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Power statement: I am disappointed...
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, July 02, 2009
It is much more powerful to say "I am disappointed that you didn't stay home when I told you to stay home," than it is to say "It's disappointing that you didn't stay home."
Both comments technically mean the same thing; however, the first one personalizes what is going on and hits a ten on the power meter. The second one impersonalizes what is going on. The second one could be referring to the stock market or a movie but the first one is talking about being hurt or let down or feeling betrayed.
Depending on what exactly happened, we should be careful not to overuse this power phrase. Keep it handy for things that are really important.
Mom: I am very disappointed that, after we talked about this and talked about how important this is to me, that you did not stay home yesterday. When I got home from work you were already gone.
Daughter: I asked Dad. He said I could go. You're not the only parent here you know!
Mom: Dad was not here when you and I talked. I am disappointed that you would ask Dad when I was already clear with you on this.
Daughter: You act like I don't do anything good around here. I did a load of laundry before I went out you know- that was to help you out- and look at all the changes I've made since I've quit using drugs. And I'm staying clean. And I gave up all my old friends. Nothing I do is ever good enough for you!
Mom: You have made a lot of changes. You are busy changing yourself. I do appreciate the effort you made by throwing in a load of laundry. Remind me that we need to talk about the best ways to do laundry- but you are so right honey, you are changing and you are making a effort.
Daughter: [glaring]
Mom: Listen, you know when you were doing drugs, I didn't have a lot of control over you. As parents, your father and I really struggle to keep in control here.
Daughter: So?
Mom: I like the changes you're making. You father and I are making some changes too. It's hard to change. We want to be better parents and we want to do a better job of holding you and your sisters accountable. So...
Daughter: Oh is the part where you get tough on us? (sarcastically uttered)
Mom: Yes- for example- I need to know that if you and I talk and I make it clear that you will not go out- that you will not go out. I need to know that you won't go ask you father for a different answer or that you won't just walk out on me anyways. I need to trust that you will be here when I need you to be here even when you don't agree with me and even when you get mad about it.
Daughter: You'll never trust me Mom. That's just the way you are.
Mom: Nevertheless, I need to know that you'll be here when I tell you to be here. I have asked your therapist from the rehab to meet with us and help all of us come up with a contract. From now on, your father and I will be holding you accountable for your behavior. We haven't been good at this in the past but we are going to try it again. I need your help. I need you to work with us.
Daughter: What do you mean hold us accountable? In what way?
Mom: It's going to involve a lot of stuff that you won't like. You'll be pretty mad about it. You know stuff like taking away TV, cell phone, computer privileges, not giving you the money that we would have given you - stuff like that.
Daughter: It's not going to work! I'll go out anyways.
Mom: I'm disappointed. I hoped that I could count on you to help us out.
Daughter: Not if you're going to take my sh*# away!
Mom: Well, right. OK. That's your position. Thanks for making your position clear. You'll have to make your own decisions about these things and were going to do what we have to do, but at least we can all sit down and talk about the contract. That way you'll have a chance to tell your side of the story. But in the meantime you are grounded. If you go out anyways then your father and I will talk about cancelling your phone and pulling the plug on your TV and computer. Now I didn't want to do that without letting you know first that it could happen. I'm letting you know now. I have informed your father that you are grounded so now that he knows he won't be agreeing to let you out.
Daughter: Why? Give me one good reason why I should be grounded.
Mom: OK sure. But you and I could talk all night about this one, honey, and I won't convince you that you should be grounded. So, I'll tell you why one time and then we'll drop it because I know you don't and you won't agree with this. [Mom then gives a brief explanation that might be something like: "You continue to associate with your old friends that use drugs. That is unacceptable."]
Daughter: [glares] You can take my phone I still won't stay home.
Mom: That's going to be up to you. If you're sure you can turn your phone into me now. It's up to you. Think about it- I gotta go put those clothes in the laundry again. Oh honey, I love it that you did a load of laundry- Thank You So Much. Now let me show you how you can do that better next time, OK?
July 4th Meeting at Eastern cancelled due to holiday. Happy 4th!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, June 24, 2009
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There is parking around the back if you need it (Outreach June 20th Grand Opening)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, June 15, 2009
New Meeting Schedule
Meeting this Saturday will be only one this month at Alliance Office.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, June 11, 2009
Our new meeting schedule allows for one meeting each month at each of our three locations. We had a great turnout, eleven parents, at our last Wexford meeting. Thanks to all of you who have made the Wexford meeting a success. We have enjoyed a nice mix of veteran PSST parents and newer members.
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New Meeting Schedule
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, June 04, 2009
Starting this month in June we will be adding a Saturday Morning Meeting in Mt. Lebanon and altering the meeting schedule for our other meetings. Thanks to Outreach Teen and Family Services for sponsoring our new meeting location!
First Saturday Each Month: Eastern Probation office in Wilkinsburg.
Second Saturday: Alliance Office in Wexford.
Third Saturday: New location at Outreach Teen and Family Services in Mt. Lebanon 666 Washington Rd Mt Lebanon, PA 15228
The door to Outreach is right underneath the Stevenson Williams Co. sign, about the middle of the building. Click on the picture to the right to be connected to Google Maps. We have also added this location to our other two located on the left margin of this blog.
Outreach has a nice set of offices on the second floor. We have a very comfortable room to meet in and access to making coffee.
Our first meeting at our new location is scheduled for June 20th. Same time as our other meetings: 9:00 AM to 11:30 AM. There is parking around the back of the building and a walk-way from the back to the front so that you can still enter through the front door.
Should I try to get my teenager a Juvenile Probation Officer?
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, May 25, 2009
Sometimes parents in group hear other parents talk about how helpful it was to have a Juvenile Probation Officer (JPO) for their teenager. This post will deal with the pros and cons to having a JPO and also cover the process of how Juvenile Court determines which teenagers to supervise. Also, if a parent decides that it would be a good idea to get a JPO to help supervise thier teenager, it is not necessarily an easy thing to do.
First, we'll cover the process for getting a JPO and we will follow that with the downside and upside of having one for your teenager. Before you decide whether or not to go down this road make sure to read the downside part too.
What is the process to getting your teenager a JPO?
1. There has to be an allegation that your teenager has broken the law in Allegheny County and that this event occurred before your teenager turned 18. Sometimes a parent could file an allegation against a teenager such as Theft, Assault, Terroristic Threats, Possession of Drugs or Possession of Drug Paraphernalia. This is why it is often smart for parents to keep any drugs that they find available so that they can be used to get their teenager a JPO. Keep in mind, your teenager could be charged with any criminal allegation, it's just that the charges just mentioned are the ones that are most often generated by parents.
2. Any criminal allegation can be filed with a Police Officer (if they will accept it) or by a concerned citizen, such as a parent, directly with the Intake Department of Juvenile Probation. For the former, you would call 911 and report the crime. For the latter, you would contact the Intake Department , Allegheny County Juvenile Court, 550 Fifth Ave., Pittsburgh PA 15219.
Just because an allegation has been filed, that does not mean that Juvenile Court will schedule a hearing. Probation Intake Department can not file every allegation with the Court. Some allegations are "adjusted." That means that it never goes to Court for a hearing; however, even if your allegation against your teenager is adjusted, your teen might have a chance to speak with an Intake Officer from Juvenile Probation. Sometimes they are given a chance to "straighten up or else we'll send this case before the Judge."
Sometimes, there is no contact at all; the District Attorney might just decide that the case has no real merit. If and when this happens to you it is possible that your will feel that you are getting the run-around from the bureaucracy. Keep in mind, however, that Juvenile Court was not set up to address out-of-control teenagers, and while it might be helpful to have a JPO involved with your teenager, it is simply not always possible.
3. A parent of an out-of-control drug abusing teenager can request help from Juvenile Court because of several things happening at once. First, the teenager is breaking the law simply by abusing alcohol or drugs.
Secondly, many parents are actually the victims of crimes committed by their teenagers, such as Theft, Assault, or Terroristic Threats.
And finally, most out-of-control drug abusing teens are presenting some risk to the community at large and community safety is also a responsibility of Juvenile Probation.
Of course, none of these concerns mean very much unless some kind of delinquent (criminal) act can be either proven in a courtroom or at least be potentially proven in a courtroom. The word potential is used here is because it's really the allegation of wrongdoing that gets the ball rolling in Juvenile Court. Somtimes the Court makes a finding of Delinquency and sometimes it is not necessary to prove it and the Court can still offer supervision.
What's the downside of having a JPO?
1. First, we offer no guarantees. Many parents will tell you that having a JPO helped keep their child free from drug abuse until their teen finally pulled out of it. Other parents will tell you that not only did the Court offer little help but that the involvement of the court was counter-productive, e.g., the court placement of their teen only lead to him making further criminal contacts or because he became "institutionalized" by various court placements.
2. Secondly, it could be that your teenager will end up with a criminal record, albeit a Juvenile Criminal Record. Does this always happen? No. But it can happen. Even if your teenager's case is adjudicated, often times today a Judge will issue a Consent Decree. If this happens your teenager has from three months to a year to show that he can follow the rules, quit his abuse of drugs, and basically be a good citizen. If he is successful, he will not have a Juvenile Criminal Record. If he is not successful, he may end up being adjudicated delinquent and then have a Juvenile Criminal Record. How problematic can it be to have a Juvenile Criminal Record and can such a record ever be expunged? It depends on several factors and yes, cases can later be expunged, however, that usually involves hiring an attorney and having them file for Expungement.
There is no way to be assured how problematic it may be to have a Juvenile Court record. The records are not exactly open to the public, however, with a signed release these records can be opened up and examined. Therefore, it could affect your teenager's options later on in life although it would appear that this does not really happen very often. Sometimes, it depends on how serious the record is, e.g., is it a Felony Violation or a Misdemeanor? Keep in mind also that a Juvenile Record is not considered as much of a drawback in hiring as an adult Criminal Record. In fact, some people say that if your are asked by a prospective employer if you have ever been convicted of a crime, and all you have is a Juvenile Record, you can say "no," with the idea being that you have been Adjudicated Delinquent not convicted of a crime. Everyone does not agree with this stance; however it appears to be conventional wisdom.
The reason that some cases don't generate a Delinquent Record and some cases do is a bit confusing. First of all, there is always some kind of a record of what happened; however, there is not always a Court Finding that a teenager has broken the law. This is because some cases remain with the Intake Department for adjustments. In these cases an Intake Officer is acting as a Probation Officer but the case may never see the inside of a courtroom.
Also, even if a case does see the inside of a courtroom, a Consent Decree may be issued. The Judge offers a Consent Decree when he feels that there is proof of criminal behavior but he would like to give the juvenile a chance to complete a period of Court supervision successfully without making a Court Finding of Delinquency, therefore there is no record of Delinquency. Of course, if things don't go well the case comes back into Court and the Judge may issue a Finding of Delinquency the second time around. If things do go well the charges end up being dismissed.
3. Once you have some form of Court Supervision established you loose control over your teenager's case. But remember, this is exactly why ou want a JPO: you can't control your teenager and you need help to control him and keep him safe. Of course, the Court will usually be concerned with a parent's opinion. Parents do not make the final decision regarding Conditions of Supervision or make the decision about out-of-home placement or the use of a specific in-patient drug treatment program.
One parent in Allegheny County, Lori, has written this about placement of her teenage addict into the Abraxas drug treatment program: "There is help out there and The Juvenile Court of Allegheny County is the best-kept secret we have in Western PA." The point being that while you loose some control you gain the possibility of placing your teenager in a safe place isolated from drugs when needed.
4. There are some feel-bad problems with having a Probation Officer for your teenager:
You have to go and get involved in the system to make it work. It's success is not automatic. it can be messy and you may at times be very uncomfortable. You have to go to the court hearings. If your teenager is placed at Shuman Center then he will be brought to court by the Sheriffs in a jump suit and shackles. In Court, you will have to tell the Judge all the bad things that your teen has done, including their drug abuse. And you may be cross-examined by your child's Public Defender or Court Appointed Attorney. You will do this so that you can convince the Judge to help you save your teenager's life; however, your teenager will hear this and he may indeed blame you for putting him in a teenager-jail.
5. If your teenager is placed outside of your home, e.g., in a drug rehab, there are costs involved that the Country will compel you to contribute towards based on your ability to pay. The County considers this child support because you would normally be paying for your child's food and clothing so you should not get a benefit because your child is ill. Sometimes the amount of child support is substantial. There is usually no way to know ahead of time exactly how much the whole cost will be. Based on the experience of some parents in the group, the County treats your portion of the payment as a no interest loan and allows you to pay it back at zero interest over a long period of time. Again, these payback policies can change at any time. It may help to think of it this way, someone has to pay for these expenses and if not you as a parent it will be you as a tax payer.
Addiction is a family disease and you may have to take these steps to help your whole family heal so your child can heal.
6. If your teenager is placed outside of your home he may be exposed and influenced by other criminals and other drug-abusing teenagers. This is unpredictable, but sometimes it may seem like your teenager is being sent to a school to learn how to commit crime or how to improve drug connections. This is one primary reason why Juvenile Probation often works to limit a child's penetration into the Court system; because the Court System itself can sometimes have a negative influence on a teenager.
Now, let's look at the upside of having a JPO.
1. Your teenager will be held accountable for his behavior. Often the consequences are administered quickly and often it is the parent who administers the consequences although things like continued drug abuse and criminal behavior is usually handled by the JPO.
2. Short and long-term inpatient drug treatment is available for your
teenager that would be difficult if not impossible for you to obtain with
your own insurance. Although as mentioned above, the County may compel you to share in the costs of this treatment based on your income and the normal expenses you would have if your child was not ill.
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3. The possibility exists to place your teenager in a safe place isolated from drugs when needed. Shuman Center can be a scary place but when it is compared to having your teenager out on the streets doing drugs it looks pretty safe.
4. There is often support available for the whole family from other outside agencies once your have a JPO, e.g., Wesley Spectrum In-home Family Services is appreciated by many families and if your teenager has a JPO there is no charge.
5. A JPO can be an advocate that wants the best for your teenager and for your family. A JPO is someone who is on your side who will help you do the right thing for your teenager when you can't.
Now that we have covered the process of attempting to get a JPO and the various pros and cons of having one, here are a couple of final questions to ask yourself before you decide whether or not to pursue this:
1. How desperate are you? Is the issue with your teenager a life or death issue? Are you worried that you will have to attend your child's funeral? Do you worry that your child is going to be hurt? If the answer to that question is yes, then you may want to consider involving your teen in the Court. Better to deal with a possible juvenile court record and exposure to other delinquents than to attend your teenager's funeral and drug abuse is life-threatening.
2. Have you done everything possible without involving the Juvenile Court system? Have you tried Outpatient Counseling? Have you tried to arrange a drug/ alcohol evaluation for your teenager? Perhaps your teenager would cooperate with a therapist and participate in treatment where he would be drug tested regularly.
3. Have you tried ACT 53? Read what other parents have said about Act 53 . This offers a way for parents of teenagers with drug problems to force their teens to accept drug treatment without running the risk of having a Juvenile Criminal Court record. Of course, there are pros and cons of using ACT 53 but it is generally considered a good thing to try BEFORE you attempt to get a JPO for your teenager. Many parents that attend PSST have used Act 53. If you would like more information concerning the ACT 53 law, policies or procedures, please contact the Allegheny County Drug and Alcohol Services Unit at 412-350-3952.
4. Have you attended PSST or other Parent Support Group meetings? If you live in an area where there are PSST meetings (presently, they are all held in Allegheny County) it is good idea to come to one and meet and talk with other parents who have used the Court system. We are lucky to have a core-group of "veteran parents" in Allegheny County who are willing to offer advice and help to parents who are desperate to find some hope for their teenager. If you either can not attend or would like to speak with a parent or Probation Officer, then email us at kene@nauticom.net. There are other Parent Support Groups such as POTADA or parent groups run by All OF US CARE.
5. Are you willing to cooperate with a JPO? This means not keeping secrets and making a full disclosure of all actions by your teenager even when you know that this disclosure might result in immediate sanctions. If you are not willing to make this disclosure then you undermine the job that a JPO can do for your teenager. There are several reasons why this is really important but for now suffice it to say that usually Juvenile Probation does not fix what's wrong with your teenager so much as stand behind you while you provide the fix.
If the answer to any of these questions is "No," then perhaps you should think twice before going down this road. On the other hand, if you know that you have tried everything you can do to address your teenager's drug problem, and things just keep getting worse, then just waiting around for things to get better might be the most dangerous decision you could make.
Stay Close: a mother's story of her son's addiction - Book Signing
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Sunday, May 24, 2009
Memorial Weekend Day Meeting is ON!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, May 21, 2009
Free Tools! Need new tools to use on your teenager?
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, May 21, 2009
We got em at our meetings. Come on in and pick up some new ones! Our goal is to give every parent something to take home and use the same day. Often, we have parents at our meetings that have been working at this longer and they may recommend certain tools that you can use right out of the box!
We cover things like
Active Listening,
"I feel messages" rather than "you messages."
Limit Setting,
Effective Use of Body Language,
How to reach out into the Community for Help (ACT 53, Juvenile Court, etc.)
Alternatives to Yelling,
How to approach the oppositional defiant (by first agreeing with something that they say),
Contracts,
Consistent application of rules,
Using discipline to send a message,
How to Best Stop Enabling.
We cover the primary ways that your teenager is manipulating you. Best of all, we do this with you. We want to know where you are and what tool will best help you today. That's why we sometimes ask you to show us in a role-play what your teenager is like. That helps us know what tool might best help you today. Of course, no one is pressured into "doing role-plays." Sometimes it's better just to watch one anyway; however, when you show us what your teenager is doing it helps us come up with the right tool for you.
Pittsburgh native writes about her son's drug addiction in 'Stay Close'
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Tuesday, May 19, 2009
When Libby Cataldi noticed her oldest son frequently tromping around with untied shoelaces, she thought he was trying to fit in with his skateboarder friends. She never guessed that it was because he was shooting heroin into his feet, causing them to swell. In her new book, "Stay Close: A Mother's Story of Her Son's Addiction" (St. Martin's Press, $24.95), the 58-year-old native of Kennedychronicles her struggle with her son's addiction and the process that eventually helped her support him without enabling his addiction.
Click to Read more: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/09138/970871-51.stm#ixzz0Fx90AlHk&B
Meeting at Eastern tommorrow not a combo meeting; hoping for a nice turnout.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, May 15, 2009
Our attendance at Eastern has been down lately. We are hoping for some new parents and/ or for the return of some parents that we don't see very often. If you have been thinking of coming in to one of our meetings, why not make it tomorrow?
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Nephew Part II. Punishment verses disclipine (and Homework.)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, May 15, 2009
Once we got the morning thing straightened out we suddenly had a homework problem. After my nephew's ball game he came home with us and refused to do his homework. For one thing we told him we wanted it done before he got a night time snack. He started yelling and it was obvious that he was yelling to be noticed and in an attempt to intimidate us. We tried to ignore him. He got louder and louder and came into the kitchen and started slamming his hands on the table. That's when I reached my limit.
I took him by the shoulders and asked him if he would settle down or else would he like to go upstairs with me. He immediately got louder. So I took him upstairs. He is a big boy. I'm not sure my wife could do it this same way although I didn't so much carry him as I did just inch him up the steps to the bedroom.
Once in the bedroom he continued to scream and yell even louder. He also tried to get out of the bedroom but I was standing by the door. When he tried to squeeze past me I just hugged him. He was angry and told me to get away from him. I reminded him that he was coming to me- I wasn't coming to him- I thought he must want a hug.
He kept yelling that he was hungry. I reinterated our stance- no homework- no snack. He tried to turn the TV on. I reinterated our stance on that- no homework- no TV. I told him to go to bed and I would get him up at 5:00 AM to do his homework. I could see that he didn't like that.
His primary manipulative strategy was to yell me into submission. I kind of egged him on a little in that regard. I pretended that I couldn't hear him and I ask him to speak up because I know he is oppositinal defiant to the point where me telling him to yell louder is going to make him want to not yell. He yelled pretty loudly for about 20 minutes. Then he started to cry. Why so sad I asked him, after all, he got his way- he didn't do his homework. He said he wanted to do his homework now. I said, "Well, ya, but how do I know you won't come downstairs and start yelling again?" He assured me he was done with the yelling, he just wanted to do his homework. He appeared all yelled out and his whole demenor had changed. He was no longer trying to yell me into submission but he was wishing that he could have got that home work done.
This is the difference in my book from punishment and disclipline. I only want to use enough power to get his behavior within limits. That's all. If I was trying to punish him I would have sent him to bed or made him stay in his room a certain lenth of time "so that he could learn a lesson." I think he did learn the lesson. The lesson was that his yelling doesn't work. So, I told him he could come downstairs whenever he felt that he could controll himself and I went downstairs.
Five minutes later he came downstairs. My wife did homework with him. Only took 15 minutes. Then he had Chicken Nuggets, one of his favorites. I made small talk with him. He seemed to bear no resentment. He declined desert and said that he was very tired and could he go to sleep. We said sure brush teeth and go to bed but remember that you will get up and go to school on time in the morning. He said he would. And he did. The next morning was no problem at all.
Our nephew seems to have two different personalities. He is the sweetest most polite kid around or he is angry, defiant, and intimidating. He snaps between the two instantly. Our goal is to reward the first one and either ignore or restrict him on the other.
One of the things that I did not do was try to yell back at him. It was not necessary and the resentment that would creep into the relationship would be intense. If you find that you are yelling at your child to control him, read this article: Researchers Have Shown that Yelling at Kids Can Have Long Lasting and Detrimental Consequences.
Just wondering if any parents reading this blog can think back to when their child was 8 years old. Had the trouble already started? Was he demanding, pushy, and intimidating in order to get his own way? Leave us a comment about that please.
I see a connection between these kids at from 8 to 10 years old and the teens that they grow into. At some point they learn that they can get what they want by defiance and intimdation. By the time they are 12 and start to experiment with drugs they are already well on their way to being almost impossible to handle.
Note: the image is from licensed CreataCard Software.
Nephew off to school on time (or When bribery wins the battle but looses the war!)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Tuesday, May 12, 2009
He throws a temper tantrum. He passively resists. He begins to scream and hyperventilate. He is big for a Second Grader and he just puts up a heck of a fight. Yesterday, I had left for work and my wife struggled with him and finally got him to school late.
We talked with his mother. She says the thing that works best is to tell him that if he gets ready for school, there will be some special treat after school, like going somewhere that he likes. Apparently, this often works with him; however, it does not always work or else he would not have attendance and tardiness issues.
Here's the problem with bribery. It reinforces bad behavior. If you are yelling, screaming, and generaly being a pain and I come up and promise you something nice, then you are going to learn that if you yell, scream, and be a pain that you will be rewarded. Remember: kids are smart. They can figure things out much better than we give them credit for. My nephew has figured out two important things.
Now he is in Second Grade. Imagine him with 50 more pounds and two extra feet. That's what we will have to deal with when he is a teenager. He will be much harder to get to school then.
We passed on the bribery. Not going to happen. He has to go to school because it's the law that he go to school every day and because we have to get to work. We aren't promising him anything special for doing what he is suppossed to do every day. We know he can get up and get ready and go to school and that's what we expect.
Here's what I did last night to prepare him for going to school on time. I picked him up at his Grandparents. In the car I told him that tomorrow he was going to go to school on time. He said he wasn't going to go to school on time. I replied that he would certainly go on time and that we would make sure of it. He wanted to know why we would do that and I told him that was a good question but sorry I don't have a real good answer- it's just the way it is. He got rather mouthy and informed me that he hated school and he didn't see why going in on time was important. I agreed that sometimes school sucks.
Before he got out of the car I asked him to help me check my Child Care Locks on the door (I sometimes call them Shuman Locks I explained to him because I often take Juveniles to Shuman Center in the my car and I put these locks on so that they can't escape.) By doing this he could see that once I put him my back seat, he was not going to open the door and jump out.
Once we got inside we had a talk. My wife and explained to him that she had to go to work early and that I was going to be the only one home in the morning with him. I told him we could wake him up very early so that he could have time to get ready for school and that, regardless, we would be leaving on time.
He paid attention. His had a look of incredulousness on his face, as though he found the whole thing unbelievable. Then, my wife and I (we had already come to understanding between the two of us) asked him what did he think would happen if he refused to get dressed for school?
Later, when he was in the bathtub he began screaming and yelling. Nothing in particular, just screaming and yelling. We figured he wasn't drowning as long as he was making all that noise and we pretty much ignored it. I think he was attempting to intimidate us by showing us what he was capable of if we crossed him. Think of a gorrila beating his chest just to show the other apes that they better not mess with him. Also, at this point if we were to have insisted that he stop yelling he might not have quit it. It could have turned into a pointless powere struggle.
Morning came around. We woke him up early- no problem and no water necessary. My wife put his clothes on a chair by the front door and she left for work. I made breakfast- french toast- one of the few things I can make. I called him for breakfast and he yelled, "I'm coming I'm coming you don't have to keep calling me." I gave him a cheery "that's good, I'm glad to see you're up and coming downstairs." He asked for seconds and that was no problem.
After that everything was incredibly easy. I didn't expect it to be easy. I thought we were going to have a showdown, one that I was sure I would win, but it never happened. I promted him to brush his teeth when he was in the bathroom. He already had. I came downstairs to tell him it was time to get dressed but he already was dressed. In fact, he was standing by the door waiting for me. He was ready first! He had no more questions about why we had to go to school on time- he had accepted that that is just the way it is.
We had a nice early morning chat in the car on the way to school. Nice talk. No beligerance. Just nice talk. We were early for school arriving at 7:33 AM. I chatted with the School Social Worker who was standing outside when I dropped him off. I gave him a big hug and told him I loved him. He said he loved me too and that was it.
Will it be this easy every morning? I doubt it. Did we get lucky? Sure we did. But you know we were prepared to get him to school on time. We had a plan. We told him what the plan was and he believed that we were dead serious. I think having him help me check to make sure the Shuman Locks worked helped him to see how serious we were about it all.
If he needed to be put in the back seat of the car with his clothes handed to him, it probably wouldn't have happened twice. I would have also put the seat belt on him and while he could take it off again, I was planning on contining to put it back on so that we were driving legal. If at some point he agreed to get dressed I would have pulled the car over and allowed him to take off the seat belt and get dressed. And I would have been careful not to lecture him about it too, just to accept that he was now ready to get dressed; however, we would have already been out of the house and down the road a bit before that happened. Once out of the house we were not going back into the house but rather we would continue to school as best we could.
The other thing we told him was that if this turned out to be an ongoing problem we would get him up earlier and earlier each morning to allow the time necessary.
Maybe we just got lucky and dodged a bullit today. Maybe not. But think about how if left to his own devices, this young man might grow up to have serious problems. As long as he is able to decide if and what time he is going to show up at school he is going to have way too much power. Remember the Oil TV comercials? The one where "You can pay me now or you can pay me later?" That's the way it is with going to school on time problems. Take care of it now- or it's going to be harder to take care of it down the road. And by then you don't just have real dirty oil, but you got serious engine problems too.
Bribery: more reading.
