Todays picture is taken from the free photos offered at Photoexpress.
1. It happens to all of us, or at least so many of us that it seems like all of us. Share with your teen a time when you had an outburst. How do you handle it when you are angry?
2. It feels REALLY GOOD to be angry! Admit that. You may find that your teenager is ready to talk about that part and you may notice that your teenager is surprised that you know this or that you would admit it. It's almost like admitting that drug abuse can be really fun. We all know that but gee we hate to admit it. Is it a secret that an angry outburst is fun?
3. REGARDING #2: No Buts. This is better done if you admit that angry outbursts are fun and don't say "but" right afterwards. "You know, it might be fun to be angry, but you soon will regret it- so remember, don't allow yourself to get so angry." If you say that to a teenager they will believe that you know nothing about being angry. Try something like this instead:
Parent: You know, the thing about anger (said in a slight whispered voice for effect: as though you are going to share a big secret) is that it feels really good to be angry. It's (make a hulk gesture as you say this) AWESOME! I feel incredibly powerful when I'm angry- it's as though nothing can harm me. I mean the power I feel is incredible. (there was a reason why when Bruce Banner changed he became the "INCREDIBLE HULK.")
Teen: I know, it does feel really good when I get angry.
Parent: Oh yeah, I know trust me, I've been and I still get huge anger feelings where, (start to whisper again) I think the reason I feel so much power is because I've convinced myself, you know temporarily, that I don't care about consequences. For that moment, I truly don't care what happens.
Teen: I know! Me too! But later I don't feel that way at all, I feel like crap later.
Parent: I know me too! I guess that's why today, when I allow myself to get all worked up, usually there aren't any witnesses. Even when I'm in a true rage today I rarely break anything that is going to cost me or is going to be a problem to replace. I'm not sure how I do that- but it's almost a controlled rage- does that make sense? Then, later I still feel bad.
Teen: Yeah. Me too. Later I feel embarrassed. Especially if it happens in front of people. Like that time I broke all your kitchen stuff. I mean, it felt really really great breaking all that stuff. Then I realized how much that would hurt you and how much trouble I was going to be in. I started cleaning it up but I knew I could never replace all that stuff and I felt pretty bad about it.
Parent: Yeah, that was a bad day for me. [pause here and there is no need to say something like: "oh, that's OK, don't worry, we have all that behind us." Reason: we are trying to lead teen to focus on how damaging the tantrum can be. Now he is there. Let him stay there, don't rescue him. It's another form of enabling or making the teen feel better. Sometimes you don't need to feel better, you need to allow yourself the time and the moment to feel bad. It's a good thing to feel bad about destroying your mother's kitchen, but sometimes the pain for us puts that kind of discussion out of reach.]
Parent: You know, feeling bad about it shows that you care. It doesn't change the pain for me, I loved that kitchen stuff and even today it's hurts to think that you would take that from me. Feeling bad doesn't bring it all back or erase the painful memories. But it shows that you care and I'm glad you care about it.
4. Find out if anger is tied to your teenager's disease of addiction. Hint: yes, it is!
Parent: You know, I think there is a similarity between the good feeling that we all get when we are angry, and the good feeling we get when we abuse drugs. It feels good. Then, it feels bad.
Teen: Yup.
Parent: You know, I wonder, and I'm not at all sure about this so please don't hesitate to say if I'm wrong here (oh don't worry - he won't hesitate- but now that you said this, you just improved the chances of being right with the oppositionally challenged) but it seems like when you got angry you would seek drugs right away, you know, so that you could feel better I guess.
Teen: Well sure. When I got mad I got high.
Parent: Oh so you think maybe the two things are connected?
Teen: Sure. But sometimes I just get mad and it's not about drugs.
5. If you got this far, why not go for the gold? Help your teenager prepare for angry outbursts by labeling his anger as either
A. Drug seeking behavior or as a trigger for drug seeking behavior.
B. His disease of addiction that is trying to kill him.
Parent: You know, I think you just said something really important. At least it's important to help me understand addiction. You said that when you got angry you did drugs. When you got angry it didn't always feel like it was about drugs, but when you got angry it usually led back to drugs.
Teen: Sure.
Parent: So, in a way, anger's a trigger?
Teen: I don't really have triggers. Nothing can make me use if I don't want to. (For some reason the idea of triggers turns a lot of teens off- they feel that they get high just because they want to get high and therefore if they don't want to get high, no triggers will make them get high. No matter how much rehab time they have, they seem to struggle with this- to the point that sometimes I wonder if even using the term is somehow a problem, but I haven't figured out how to avoid it.)
Parent: Right! Isn't that the trick, eh? If somehow you didn't want to use, then it would all be so easy! (Refrain from being right about triggers: it isn't worth the struggle for right now.)
Parent: I guess what you're helping me to understand, is that anger is something that can really make you want to get high- or that you really want to get high and that's part of the reason that your disease wants you to be angry- because anger can lead to more drug abuse.
Now it depends on where the teenager goes with this and as always, it's important to be with the teenager and follow his line of thinking. You can still twist, but you can't divert the conversation where you think it should go. Just listen, pay attention, and see where he is going. If he seems to be putting two plus two together in a way that you like- thank him for helping you to better understand his addiction.
However, if the conversation allows- here is a good place to head towards with this anger thing:
6. Parent: You know from everything you've been telling me I just got this completely stupid idea. But it's sort of funny, but it's stupid, can I tell you?
(no teenager ever declined when offered a completely stupid, sort of funny, idea. That's like refusing an eclair- you might not start out looking for one, but darn it, when it pops up in front of you and says "take me quick" you feel like it was a sign from higher up that you deserved a treat!)
Teen: What?
Parent: Well I just imagined someone feeling angry, ready to have an outburst, and they go up to the person who is making them start to feel the rage, and they say: "Mister, right now my disease of addiction has me by the balls* so bad that it wants me to verbally abuse you while using ten different choice profanities and seven different horrible names, followed by one really good threat on your life, and for good measure my disease wants me to put a hole in the wall right behind you- you know, just so that you feel my power and feel what a close call you just had! But I know that this is just my disease just trying to get me to use drugs, because after all, I would feel so bad later that picking up a drug would just come natural. But mister, in spite of the fact that I do find you really annoying, this is more about me than it is about you. Just for today, I'm not going to do any of that. Just for today, I'm going to recognize that this is all about my addiction, and just leave it at that. Thanks for listening!
Teen: Yeah, that was stupid. But it was funny too. You know, I could never say all that!
Parent: I could never say all that to someone either! But everything you said, got me thinking about that because that is what you are saying even though you could never tell someone all that- that is the bottom line huh?
Teen: Yeah
Parent: Too bad that is so hard to say huh?
Teen: Yeah.
Parent: I wonder if someone did say all that, if they would still be angry.
Teen: [laughs] I don't think you could say all that and still be angry. I think it would be funny!
Parent: [shares in the laugh] me too.
Teen: That guy got to say how he was feeling too.
Parent: What do you mean.
Teen: Well, it seems in this rehab that they just want me to not get angry. But I have to get some of it out. They don't tell me how to do that. I guess something like that would do that huh? (this seems unlikely but I have had this said to me by an angry youth in a rehab- and he came up with it during a conversation similar to this one.)
Parent: I didn't think of that! (another way to agree that it was a good point).
Teen: Yeah, that's my problem. I try and try not to get angry but I'm just getting madder and madder and eventually I'm going to blow.
Parent: So, even though my idea was stupid, you found something in it that might be important.
Teen: Yeah.
Parent: Thanks for taking me so seriously today- I appreciate that. I hope I don't sound like I'm trying to be an expert on all this.
Teen: No. You're welcome [smiles].
Keep in mind that 99 % of the time it would never go anything like that. Never say never, but still don't expect it; however if you pay attention to where your teenager is taking the conversation, and if you twist gently, it could go somewhere just as interesting.
6. Offer Help:
Parent: Look, there probably isn't, but if there is anything I can ever do, you know, if you are feeling a rage coming on- and if there's something that I can do to help, let me know. I wouldn't know how I can help maybe, unless you told me what that would be. So, don't be afraid to tell me if I can help. Tell me ahead of time even, if you feel like it- so that I would be better prepared.
Teen: Nope. Nothing you can do.
Parent: Ok, I didn't think so. I just wanted you to know I care and if I could help I would try.
Teen: I know.
Analysis: two seeds were planted. The obvious one: you addressed the oppositional nature by saying, "I don't think there is, but..." Now, your teenager will mull it over. They may surprise you by coming back later and informing you that you are wrong. There is something that you can do to help. Perhaps there is something that can interrupt the rage process and your teenager may discover that you can help in that way. The fact that they discovered it will almost insure that it will work.
Seed number two: you mentioned "feeling a rage coming on." That is important that your teen realizes that, but you don't want to beat him over the head with it, so just mentioning it was fine. Let's face it: once the rage is present, it's difficult to deal with it or to stop it, but when you feel it coming on, all things are possible if one acts quickly.
7. But what if your teenager is already in a rage? How do you handle that?
First of all attempt this type of conversation soon or a similar one. Then, at some point let your teen know ahead of time how you plan to handle rage issues. If the teen has expressed some ideas on this try to use it. If not, come up with your own ideas. Follow the plan that you have set up. There may be differences in the plan from family to family, but make sure you have one.
For more on handling temper tantrums click fearless.
Or click temper tantrums.
Another good read is an early post by Sally Push Mom's Buttons She is the New Video Game.
One more is Defiance: Tie for Third Place.
Really, there is a lot on this blog that has already been written about what to do for a temper tantrum. Just put "temper" in the seach window up top right of the blog and you will get three pages of articles where temper has been mentioned. Once again, how you handle a temper tantrum might be guided by the discussion that you have with your teenager before the temper tantrum starts.
*Note: Some parents would find saying "got me by the balls" as a squeamish affair. They would see it as a slippery slope and it is. It and other colorful phrases are optional and not at all necessary; however, if you are a parent who would never use such a phrase then you have the power, by choosing strategically to use such a phrase, to make the conversation pretty much unforgettable to your teenager. Other phrases that you may be more comfortable with and which still paint a picture of the teen's addiction "having a hold" on him:
My disease has a noose around my neck and it's getting ready to kick out the chair.
My disease crawled up my butt and incubated in my stomach- now it's trying to take over whats going on in my brain and coming out my mouth.
My disease has me on the ropes and it's winding up for the kockout punch.
My disease has has hit me hard today. Someone please call 911 and get me an ambulance over here!
I need a ambulance fast or it might be too late- and if I can't get that how about a life line?
My disease isn't happy unless I'm crying out in pain and blaming someone else for causing it. Today my disease wants me to blame you but I ain't buying it. As anoying as you can be, this isn't all your fault today.
My disease has me in a headlock cause I'm stuck on bulls&^% today
My disease hit me hard today. It was like getting hit by a hit and run. Now I know when I think of all the stupid things my disease wants me to say to you, that the car is going into reverse and I'm goin to get run over again. Just for today I don't want that to happen
My disease threw me under the bus today. I tried to pull you under with me when I said all those mean things to you- I'm sorry. Really, I only meant half of them at best :-)
Also, one type of enabling is to never, no matter how old your son or daughter becomes, to treat them like they are an adult. Using such a phrase says to the teenager (and to the parent) that this person is growing up and as such can now enjoy sharing an adult phrase with the parent. They say much worse among themselves. They've heard much worse. You've said much worse perhaps to your best friend. But to say any even mild adult phrase to your teen would mean that you see that he is growing up. We persist in not recognizing such events and consequently, the teen is even more pressured to show you that indeed he is growing up and darn it he will now start to make all his own decisions just to show you that he is no longer a child.
Let's take little ways to acknowledge that while our teen may not be competent to make all his own decisions he is for sure growing up and can occasionally enjoy a "grab you by the balls" kind of expression. Just do it in private. Do it in a whisper so that he knows this is something you don't share lightly and it is something that you are sharing just with him. But don't ask that he not tell anyone that you said it because that is where you have slipped on the slippery slope. It's not that bad of a thing that we have to have a family secret over it and we know that secrets are generally bad for recovery. He can tell someone but you trust that he will be discreet because after all, he is growing up and can be trusted with the use of such a phrase. Ever hear your teen say you never trust him? Well you just did. Not with the car keys but with something much more intimate.
Note #2: This does not mean that you get more bang for your phrase buck if you start to say F this and F that to your teenager a lot. That is not necessary, especially if you normally don't talk that way to him. If your teenager is institutionalized he may have rules about language and you want to make sure that you set a good example by following those rules. I'm just talking about a very ocassional well placed adult phrase and I don't want any readers to conclude that I am granting a license to swear up a storm with teenagers.
Anger. Or "My disease has me by the..."
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, November 05, 2010
AVOID THE ENDLESS ARGUMENT
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, November 01, 2010
AVOID THE ENDLESS ARGUMENT
Way back when, back in the days of FORTRAN class, we wrote programs to solve problems. A program is a series of logical arguments. You input your program and your data into the computer. The computer uses this to logically answer a series of “yes or no” questions. This leads to final “if yes then perform some action, otherwise do this” exercise. The computer very quickly and very logically gives you a logical answer, usually.
Occasionally a program error will occur resulting in something called a “DO-LOOP”. A “DO-LOOP” causes the computer to repeatedly search for a logical answer that is usually not there. This “endless loop” results in excessive and pointless computing time and a lot of wasted paper and ink typically ending with an exasperated look from your professor.
I find a similar circumstance when dealing with a teenage substance abuser, especially one that is programmed to be oppositional defiant.
You present a series of, what you see as, logical statements and some basic data. You expect the teen to very quickly and very logically accept your argument and give you a logical answer.
Your error here is in the word “expect”. This error typically results in what we’ll call an “endless argument” resulting in excessive energy and emotion, pointless discussion and a lot of wasted time typically ending with an annoyed glare from your teen.
To avoid the “endless argument” you as a parent need to remember a few things:
1. You, the parent, need to stay calm, keep it short and to the point and to make the decision of when the discussion is over.
2. If you expect to get the same response from a teenage drug/alcohol user that you get from a non-using adolescent you are setting yourself up for disappointment, exasperation and frustration.
3. Find some little thing to agree with your teenager.
4. Words mean something. Use them carefully.
5. One size DOES NOT fit all.
These are all easy to forget, especially when you become angry, excited, or provoked.
Sometimes we are so determined to make our point we will go on and on and on. To avoid the “endless argument” you need to “say it - mean it - and move on”. Don't prolong an unproductive discussion because you may give your teen the impression that the issue is still up for debate.
Click on the post Are we as oppositional as our teenagers seem to be? for more help with this.
Please note that this does not mean that your teen should not be heard. As noted above, find some small thing to agree with your teen.
Even if it is just…
“You’re right, I am a horrible person and I feel so bad about it…”
(Then give it the PSSTwist)
“…never the less I am not going to give you $20 to go to the movies tonight. You know, I guess that I am really cheap.”
OR
“You’re right Honey, I guess I really do worry way too much, don’t I? I will try to work on that…”
(Then give it the PSSTwist)
“…regardless I am not comfortable with you going out tonight. Hey I know maybe you can do something with the family tonight. That would go a long way into helping me worry less.”
Click on the post Won't you give me three steps, gimme three steps mister... for more help with this.
NOTE: Because you agree with something they said doesn’t mean that you have changed your mind. Hold your ground. Remember to TWIST your agreement with "nevertheless" or "regardless." These two words are truly power-words. Other words can be used; however, these two serve the purpose of keeping the speaker on track without making a judgment. Try not to use "but" because that "but" negates your previous agreement.
Sometimes we respond with something that we probably shouldn’t have. This is an inherent risk with the “endless argument”. The longer the “discussion” goes on the more likely we are to give in to something we shouldn’t out of frustration. Or we may say something “spiteful” out of anger. Both of these are harmful and will be thrown back at us later. 
If you have a persistent teen that refuses to take no for an answer, pull the “Ask me again” technique out of your PSST bag of tricks.
Teen: “So can I go then?”
Parent: “No. You know, it seems like you really have a need to keep on asking though so why don’t you ask me again?”
Teen: “So, like what, can I go then?”
Parent: “No, I’m sorry. If you really need to, though, you can ask me again.”
Teen: “Huh? What are you talking about?”
Parent: “You see Honey. It seems like you really have, like, an urge to keep asking if you can go out. My answer will always be no for tonight. But if you really need to keep asking me that’s okay.”
Teen: “@#$%! You’re nuts!” They usually walk away at this time.
Parent: “Thanks for checking with me first.”
If our teen is “Oppositional Defiant” we may want to start off any discussion with a “Permission to Act Out” statement. Something like:
“You may not like what we have to say. If you have a problem with it you can get up and go to your room.”
OR
“You know, you probably will not be able to handle this program, but maybe we could give it a try. If you can’t do it we would understand.”
All of these methods are tried and true, but they work to varying degrees at different times. The more that you use them the more natural they become and the better they work. My wife came home from work laughing the other day. She used it on one of her coworkers and didn’t even realize it until it was all over. Her coworker backed off and she felt great. We can help you to role play these at our PSST meetings and maybe even give you a few pointers on your delivery.
If you miss an opportunity to use any of these, don’t fret, your teen will give you another chance in a short time.
Sometimes we get so frustrated that we walk away and don’t say anything at all.
There are times that saying nothing can be better than prolonging an “endless argument.” However make sure that your point has been made.
Beware that you do not “imply your okay” or convey your “I don’t want to know what you’re doing” consent with your silence. This would be another form of “enabling”.
ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL
Now let’s discuss #2 …expecting to get the same response from a teenage drug/alcohol user that you get from a non-using adolescent… and #5 One size DOES NOT fit all.
One of the first lessons in coaching, management and life is “One size DOES NOT fit all.” It sounds so “fair” as in “I am fair. I treat everyone exactly the same.” That would be great if everyone was the same.
The first thing we need to learn is that life is not fair. The second thing is that everyone is an individual and that each individual will respond to a different motivation.
Realize that the adolescent brain is not the same as an adult brain. The adolescent's brain will be developing until they reach their mid-twenties. These developing brains are not as able to assess the dangers associated with risk taking. If their brain is now impaired by Drug/Alcohol Abuse there are further serious consequences. The most serious consequence is that prolonged drug use can change the brain in fundamental and long-lasting ways. Eventually, it becomes difficult for them to derive pleasure from other normal activities, such as sports, food, or sex.
Click on the following posts for more on this:
The Adolescent Brain
Drugs and the brain
So when you attempt to have your “logical discussion” with a teen that has been using drugs or alcohol understand that you will not get the same response or result that you would from a teen that is not using.
The same goes for delivering ultimatums to them. Your statement may very clear to you, to another adult and even to a non-using teen but it is not to a teen substance abuser. Expecting them to understand, comprehend, remember and follow through with no further explanation, follow-up, or interaction is bound to fail.
This will lead to a lot of disappointment, exasperation and frustration and will not help you or your teen.
Communication with a teenage drug/alcohol user is something you need to learn. It begins by ending your co-dependency and also by ending the enabling of your teen.
PSST will assist you with the help you need, to support your child in their recovery.
Parent Survival Skills Training is here to empower parents of teenage drug and alcohol users. Some parents are essentially being held hostage by their teenage users and their own codependent behavior. They are desperate to find a way to end the chaos in their homes. More importantly, they are desperate to find a way to help their teenagers recover from the deadly game of drug and alcohol abuse. More than likely this IS NOT “Just a phase they are going through” as much as you wish it was.
By the time most of us PSST parents came to our first PSST Meeting, we knew that “continuing to bail our children out of trouble” only added to our problems. PSST does not place any blame on parents for having a troubled child. We are not here to judge you, we are here to assist you to get the help that you need to take back control of your lives, your children and to have peace in your homes again.
Do Not Be Afraid - A Poem by Violet
Posted by:Sally--Thursday, October 28, 2010
As I left our Gateway meeting on Tuesday…I had a lot on my mind…I just WASN’T COMFORTABLE with all of my feelings…and I needed to reflect on my own inadequacies….which is much easier than reflecting on my attributes…but let’s save that for another time…
I had received a jury summons and spent today in court…again….as the mother of an addict it brought back many memories of days and days and more days of just bad feelings…..but NEVER THE LESS it was serene to be on the other end of it all…I got picked for the jury…imagine that…they think I am stable… and the trial will be continued tomorrow…I think there is some message here for me….but it hasn’t become quite clear yet….so, I had time to write a thought not just my son but all of you that have become so dear to me.
Do Not Be Afraid
Do not be afraid for I am here….
I share your sadness, I have lived your fear….
Addiction has robbed us of what use to be….
This disease has no cure, we will never be free..
But together we will stand to battle this plight…
I will not succumb, I will continue to fight….
I strive for some normalcy with new friends that will last…
Ones that don’t judge or dwell on all of the past….
I will help you remember that today is a gift…
I will be your strength when all you need is that lift…
Remember you don’t have to be perfect all of the time…
But If you should fall, please get up and continue the climb…
Don’t reflect on all of that things that just should be…
For you have chosen to live, and today that is enough for me….
So don’t be afraid of that road ahead…
I will be your warrior against addiction that just wants you dead…
This disease of addiction is strong but it is not the end….
For I have learned the fighting tools from all my new found friends..
I do believe that there must be a plan….
It’s right now, it’s to hard…I just don’t understand…
But no matter what doubts cloud your mind with fear….
Just open your eyes…look around….yes it’s me…always here…
My hope for you is someday I can be….
The strength and courage, you are to me….
In the abyss of addiction that has made things so unclear….
I will never leave you so release your fear…
Do not be afraid for I am here….
To all of you that have become so dear….
Thank you my friends for the life-line….I am holding on so please don’t let go….
Violet
Share
A BOOK SUGGESTION BY MAX
Posted by:Sally--Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I am happy to say, as a result, I have devoured 2 adult novels over the last few weeks!
One of them in particular resonated so strongly with me, that I want to let others know what a great read it is. It is called "Lit" by Mary Karr.
It is Mary Karr's memoir (a true account) of her life during the time she started recovery from alcoholism. This sounds like a downer, and maybe we all have had enough of this type account. NEVERTHELESS.... it is very funny - Ms. Karr has a razor sharp wit, and she continually demonstrates how skewed her perspective of things were when she was drinking.
Her humor is self-deprecating, and she paints a very interesting portrait of her marriage, school, friendships, and employment through her un-sober eyes. As she gains clarity through sobriety, she shares how that skewed perspective straightens out. She also demonstrates clearly how having a reliable circle of sober friends, a sponsor, and a "higher power" helped her recover.
It is the latter that is a running theme through the book.
A self-described agnostic, she resists the "higher power thing" because she feels hypocritical, silly, uncomfortable, you name it. But very slowly she starts to "let go" when she realizes through her support team that she will move forward if she allows herself to believe the "higher power thing".
This is not about God or religion, but about learning to let go, and realizing you are not in control.
As a parent who works very hard not to enable, we have our own issues with letting go. It was fascinating to read how this cynical non-believer came to believe, while literally laughing out loud at her descriptions of her situation.
By the way - this was a New York Times Book of the Year for 2009!
"Lit: A Memoir" by Mary Karr
2009 Harper-Collins Publishers
Mary Karr’s bestselling memoir is one of the most critically acclaimed books of 2009 —— Lit is about getting drunk and getting sober; becoming a mother by letting go of a mother; learning to write by learning to live.
Click here to see a video of Mary Karr on "Lit" and her "nervous breakthrough"
A Mom's Story - Let's Try Something Completely Different by a new PSST Mom
Posted by:Sally--Sunday, October 24, 2010
We were happy to meet a new mom at our Gateway Squirrel Hill Parents Night a few weeks ago. She has a troubled teenage son about to turn 18 in December. She is working hard to get him into a recovery program.
To make her task harder than it all ready is; her husband constantly undermines her efforts to help their son. Not only by NOT working with her but, as an example, nagging her to turn their son’s cell phone back on so “he can let them know where he is” (which our kids never do or if they do call, they lie about where they are) or “so they can reach him” (our kids rarely answer when we call).
I appreciate that you gave me permission to use Psycho-Mom as your alias on the blog; unfortunately you would need to share it with 20 or 25 other PSST moms along with Psycho-B!%ch and Psycho-Woman. So we are going to try the alias’ Jane “The Psycho-Mom” (you), Elroy (your troubled son) and George (the less than cooperative husband). If you would like different names feel free to let us know.
We really appreciate that Jane came to our first informal PSST Meeting at Crazy Mocha on Murray Av on Saturday. It was so good to get a chance to talk with her and especially to listen to her. Please keep attending the PSST meetings Jane (as well as the Gateway Parents Night) so we can continue to assist and assure you that you are doing the right thing.
Jane explained to us that her son Elroy was recently caught with marijuana in school which will result in a hearing at juvenile court. She is afraid that his hearing may come too late to get him into the juvenile system before his 18th birthday.
But let's listen to Jane tell the story of what has happened since she started to take the power back in her home......
Jane’s Story – Let's Try Something Completely Different!
Talk about a DUH moment......
The cell phone and the Internet have been the bane of my existence. We have been round and round about the cell phone in particular. I have spent more time talking to Sprint over the last two years than talking to some family members. I feel in many ways the phone has enabled my son to continue down the wrong path. I have also become extremely agitated when I try and contact my son by phone or text and he does not respond.
We have gone down the road of excuses that "my battery died, something must have been wrong with my phone, there must have been a problem with the reception", blah, blah blah......
This has led me to turn off the phone numerous times, only to turn around and turn it back on due to my being worn to the nub by my son, or being guilted into turning it back on by family and their questioning...."what if he is in trouble???....he won't be able to call us."
Never mind the fact that we pay for the phone, it should be a privilege, not a birth rite......AND HE NEVER CALLS US BACK ANYWAY!!
The suggestion??
Turn off the text messaging!
Since the texting is how the "plans" are most often made (not wanting to have others overhear the conversation) that solves that problem (or at least makes it more difficult). As far as being able to "reach us in an emergency", well, he still has the ability to do just that.
Only being able to make phone calls also enables the "CSI Wanna-be" in me to be able to access the phone numbers that are being called......I am sure my son is certainly aware of that fact.
So, an hour after our PSST meeting, the text messaging was disabled on my son's phone......which leads me to the next "A-HA" moment......
"I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THAT......Nonetheless......”
True to form and what I knew I was in for......my son, Elroy, comes home after being gone all night with:
Elroy: "You need to turn back on my text messaging!".
Jane: "No, I don't feel comfortable doing that".
Elroy: "I need my texting"
Jane:"Actually, there is a big difference between needing and wanting, nonetheless, I don't feel comfortable doing that".
Elroy: "You’re "crazy" (hence the Psycho-Mom pen name), I told you where I was last night!"
Jane: "Actually, you left a text on your brother's phone, but none the less, I don't feel comfortable doing that and my answer is still, NO"
"Leading to my next lesson......ASK ME AGAIN......"
Fifteen minutes later, Elroy rung the bell for Round 2......I am sure that his previous pause was to fortify himself with "ploys that have worked in the past" from the notebook I am sure he keeps hidden from sight......
Elroy: "You need to turn my texting back on."
Jane: "As I said before, I don't feel comfortable doing that."
Elroy: "You really need to turn that back on, I need it."
Jane: (calmly)"You seem to be having trouble hearing or understanding what I am saying, so please ask me again."
Elroy: "So, are you going to turn my texting back on?"
Jane: "Please ask me again."
Elroy: "So are you going to turn my texting on or what?" 
Jane: (stepping a bit closer and looking him in the eye..and in a calm voice repeating), "Ask me again".
Elroy: (looking perplexed and angry at the same time): "Are you serious......for real????"
With that he walked away......no yelling......no stomping......no gnashing of teeth......
Believe me, the fat lady has not yet sung her swan song, but......
I felt a bit stronger and encouraged that I didn't continue to engage in a futile conversation and I left the bait dangling from his hook, something that has been very difficult for me to do......
I am sure this new approach will continue to be a work in progress.
I just wanted to say that the support and the experiences of the group and the postings I have read on the PSST web site have been wonderful.
I know we have a journey ahead of us, but utilizing some of the suggestions that been offered has really given me the opportunity to take a long deserved deep breath!
Thank you all, and will see you Tuesday!
God Bless!
Sally and Rocco's Note: Thanks for sharing Jane. It was good to see you on Saturday. It is so important for you to understand that you do have the ability to take back control of your home, your life and your sanity. It doesn't happen instantly but you are well on your way.
It is so good that you shared your experience here so others can see that they can do it also.
Trying new parenting skills is not always comfortable or easy but at the same time we realize that what we have been doing doesn't work. We look forward to seeing you at the Gateway Meetings and the PSST Meetings.
Please Note at the next PSST Meeting on Saturday November 6 in Wilkinsburg we hope to do a Juvenile Court Role Play. PSST is open to all concerned parents. There is no cost and no commitment.
Share
Summary of an Informal PSST Meeting at Crazy Mocha - Oct 23, 2010
Posted by:Rocco--Sunday, October 24, 2010
Summary – Informal PSST Meeting at Mocha – October 23, 2010
Since we had two whole Saturdays without a scheduled PSST Meeting Max suggested that we try an informal PSST Meeting on Saturday. Good idea Max! We met at Crazy Mocha on Murray Av. and had some good conversation and sharing of ideas.
Five parents were able to make it. We know them on the blog as Max, Daisy, Sally & Rocco and our newest PSST Mom, Jane (see her post - A Mom’s Story – Let's Try Something Completely Different!).
Our first mom Max has two sons, David and Michael, in recovery and a supportive husband we all know as Mel. David, their younger son is doing well at an out of state boarding school.
Their older son Michael has completed his outpatient program and is doing well. Max and Mel, like a lot of us, are dealing with what are “normal” teenage behavior issues and what are addictive behaviors.
Michael asked his mom if he could have a new friend sleep over. While this is a relatively easy decision for a parent of a child without addictive behavior it can trigger an alarm for us PSST parents.
She discussed it with Mel and they told him yes on the condition that they first get to meet this new friend and talk with him first. I am sure that we can all “feel” the eye-rolling moment of silence that this resulted in... ...and that’s OK. We can endure eye-rolls and silent pauses especially when we think back to what the reaction would have been a year ago. Max said that the new friend was refreshingly pleasant and open with them and they had a nice talk. This of course “Totally Mortified” Michael but she is fairly certain that he will get over it.
Max had another surprise when she poked her head in the door and found the friend sleeping at 11:00 o’clock. Of course this was another affront to Michael that a parent would dare “check-up” on him. Mel said goodnight and had a peaceful sleep.
The next morning she committed her final transgression when she poked her head in the door once more to say a sincere “Good Morning” to the boys. When Michael protested Max asked the friend if it was okay for her to say Good Morning. He said that he didn’t mind which just seem to make Michael more irritated.
He was angry enough to soon text his mom asking her what she thought she was doing. He got a little more upset when she didn’t text him right back. She explained that she could not text him while driving and it calmed him a bit. She told him that she did not think that she did anything out of the ordinary considering his behavior for the last couple of years. It is unfortunate but our kids will need to learn that it will take us a while to learn to “trust” them and that they will need to humor us until we can.
As I noted before; after dealing with our teen’s addictive behaviors we parents tend to have our own set of triggers that unconsciously set off our defensive behaviors. This can quickly bring us back to a bad place. We need to learn to “detach or refocus” to avoid falling back into our co-dependent behaviors.
Our children didn’t become addicts overnight and unfortunately it will take a while (probably years) in recovery before we will be able to fully "feel comfortable" with them.
Thanks for calling the meeting and sharing with us Max.
Daisy is a single mom of a 15 year old son we call Ozzie. Ozzie is has been in an inpatient recovery facility under Act 53 for about 30 days. Daisy is being pro-active and is getting Ozzie onto juvenile probation before he leaves the facility and comes home. This will provide Ozzie with more restrictions and more consequences than Daisy could impose on him herself. Please note that Daisy tried for months to deal with Ozzie’s behavior on her own.
At PSST we all understand that our teens end up in placement and/or on probation because of their behavior. But we have also learned that when they toss you a nugget like “It’s all your fault that I’m in here” or “I have to listen to that #@$&-ing P.O. because of you!” reach out and grab the credit. “Yes, I guess you’re right! I did get you in here, or get you a P.O.! I did it honey because I love you. I would do anything I can to keep you from using. Thanks for understanding.”
Daisy has been practicing this skill well and it has been effective. Ozzie had a bit of a flare up last week when he wanted to talk to Daisy while she was at work and unable to deal with him at that moment. It resulted in him getting very angry. Daisy called back as soon as she could to explain that Ozzie would need to understand that she cannot drop her job instantly and respond anytime he calls. Once again she handle this issue well and defused the situation.
Daisy’s other issue is in dealing with the facility itself. She thinks it is a good facility but that they have mis-handled her son on certain issues. Secondly she feels that they have a communication problem with her and usually don’t call her until the day after Ozzie acts out. They even asked her once to come and take Ozzie home. Daisy stopped them in their tracks and told them that they are the behavioral professionals and to deal with him. Sometimes you will feel like you’re fighting not only your teen’s behavior but the facility’s or therapist’s behavior. Keep up the fight even if it means finding a new facility or new therapist. They are not always the right fit.
Keep up the good work Daisy.
Sally and Rocco’s son Cisco is 18 and relapsed in August. He was in an adult facility but walked out last weekend. He turned himself back in but cannot return there until he tests negative for drugs and alcohol. His P.O. and therapist have him in a juvenile facility until then. Following this meeting we had a phone call from him complaining about how childish the juvenile facility is and that he wants to switch to an adult program.
Sally responded very well and thanked him for calling and talking it out and not acting out impulsively but that nothing could be decided until at least Monday. Sally also told him that he has been in this facility for a week and if he transferred at this time he may end up spending an extra week or two at the next facility.
We explained that even though the counselors at the facility may think that it would be a good idea we need to get his P.O. and therapist to agree as to what his next step should be.
We also explained that it took a lot of work to get him where he is and we are not sure that it would be worth the effort to get him transferred for a relatively short period.
What it mainly comes down to is that we are all doing what we can to get him the help that we can get for him but that he needs to cooperate with us and the system and that the entire system is not going to jump through hoops because he is not satisfied.
The best part is that I only had to nudge Sally one time during the conversation.
Finally we got to talk with our newest PSST Mom, Jane. Follow the link above to her story because she tells it so much better than I can. Basically Jane is a mom of a son we named Elroy who is about to turn 18. She is working hard to get him into recovery so that he can finish out his senior year of high school and live a “normal” life. Her biggest road block at this time is her husband George. When it comes to Elroy’s recovery George is not just on a different page than Jane, he is in an entirely different book. She is making a lot of progress in a short time and is preparing to file for Act 53 if needed.
Thanks for making it to our meeting Jane. Keep on coming so we can assist you and encourage you that you can make a big difference.
This was a good way to start off our Saturday without a scheduled PSST Meeting and we would love to do it again (but not this Saturday because we are having a garage sale with the neighbors) never the less if you want to try it again let me or Sally know and we will get the invite up on the blog ASAP.
For everyone else we hope to see you at the regularly scheduled PSST Meeting at the Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg on Saturday, November 6 at 9:00 a.m.
PSST is open to all concerned parents. Come on and join us. There’s no cost or commitment. All you have to lose is a lot of anxiety, chaos, stress, tension, embarrassment and sleepless nights.
There is a lot of hope and support at PSST.
Share
Connections - by Sally, a PSST mom
Posted by:Sally--Saturday, October 23, 2010
Our day was off to a good start. We met at the Crazy Mocha and talked with our PSST friends, we ran some errands and did other leisurely Saturday stuff.
Then the call came from Cisco who is in a juvenile placement facility. He wanted to talk about getting into an adult recovery program because it is too juvenile where he is. I know I did the right thing by agreeing with him that the juvenile placement is so different from the adult one he walked away from. It is not as structured and the juveniles are not as serious about their recovery.
Then I commended him for talking it out with the counselors and his dad and myself. I spoke with his P.O. and counselors and we will see if there is anything that can be done. At any rate Cisco knows nothing will happen until Monday.
Rocco and I are shuffling the pages of our book of life. We are in the same chapter but not on the same page. Rocco is being stoic and I am feeling emotional but we will talk it out. Meanwhile I wrote this poem to keep myself busy.
Connections
Babies are born to you or may come into your life,
As a gift from another mother; now you're a mother and a wife.
You do not know this lady who has borne your child at birth,
But you owe her all the sadness and you owe her all the mirth.
She may have had contented times when child was in her womb,
Then she bore the pains of childbirth and the sadness of the tomb-
As she placed the babe into your arms and said 'Take special care.'
You fully promised, 'I sure will'.... and got right out of there.
You felt disconnected to this mother of your child,
Though certain if they met again she'd be so very proud,
You would love him Oh, so dearly and he would grow so tall and strong,
Without an inkling of a problem, without things goin' wrong.
You had times of contentment when your child was young at home,
Then you bore the pain of teenage years as he began to roam,
Then came the illness of addiction and the sadness of the tomb,
As he ended up in placement and you stare at his empty room.
Now you feel a real connection with the mother of your son,
You feel the pain she must have felt when the relinquishment was done.
He is not hers, nor is he yours, now he belongs to his addiction,
There is only one who can help him with such a dire affliction.
If I put him in the hands of God and pray that he be safe,
I feel so strongly that he will be in a better place.
He'll get the help that he so needs to conquer this disease,
His life will once be his again and the Truth shall set him free.
Share
Facebook
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, October 22, 2010
There are two ways to link our blog to facebook. (1) Linking Generally: Click on the fshare button on the upper right part of the blog. This posts the general address of the blog to your facebook newsfeed and you can choose a graphic from the blog. (2) Linking a Specific Post: Click "read more" and if a fshare button is available on a specific post you can put a link to that post on facebook. Apparently, this second method only works if the button is placed at the very end of the post. The graphic for that post if there is one will also appear on your newsfeed. Facebook users will then be sent to the specific post rather than the top of the blog. In either case you will be prompted to put in your facebook user name and password.
We are interested in learning how to put other link buttons on our posts but this has been a big step for us since we barely know what we are doing. Let us know if it does not work for you by posting a comment. If you can't even leave a comment (that happens) then read our post on having problems leaving comments.
Thanks for promoting PSST on your facebook.
Finding Cisco - Parts 3, 4 & 5
Posted by:Rocco--Thursday, October 21, 2010
In July Sally and I stood up in court and asked for an extension of Cisco’s probation. This turned out to be significant because…
...When Cisco disappeard we had the help we needed to find him.
PART 3 – Saturday at Midnight, Time to Sit and Wait
Click here to go to Finding Cisco Parts 1 & 2
We got to Jack’s house just in time. Jack was about to get into his car with some friends and head out to Eat ‘n Park for the midnight buffet. At least these kids didn’t appear intoxicated. The P.O. and I got out of our car to talk to him. We asked Jack if we could take a look inside of his house just to make sure that Cisco really wasn’t in there, just to satisfy the P.O.’s curiosity. We searched and didn’t find any signs of Cisco.
We asked Jack if he had any more messages concerning Cisco. He said no and that if Cisco got in touch with him that he would continue to tell him to turn himself back in. The P.O. still wasn’t buying it that Jack didn’t know more. Like most teens, Jack follows the Teen “Code” - #1 No Snitching.
So now where? Back to grandmas? We decided, based on the tips we were getting, to try Bambi’s place just one more time.
We were met at the door by Bambi’s stepdad who was more than happy to talk with us. He even had Bambi come to the door to talk one more time. The P.O. did not mince words with her and asked her what she was on. She became very agitated (no surprise here again) and kind of slurred out that she was “ex-schream-a-ly in-shault-ed” by the P.O. (doing her best Foster Brooks impersonation). The P.O. half-heartedly apologized and asked Bambi if she had seen or heard anything about Cisco. Through the fog she replied that she didn’t know anything.
After she left the stepdad closed the door and came out into the front yard with us. He explained that he had searched the basement and garage and let the dog out into the backyard. He was sure that Cisco was not anywhere near the house. The P.O. asked him what he thought that Bambi was on. He replied that it was probably some weed. He told us that Bambi was just as bad as her older sister that they had already kicked out. They were just waiting for Bambi to turn 18 in a few months so that they could throw her out and have some peace in the house.
Please note: whenever we discuss “detachment” from an addict this is NOT what we are talking about.
So now what? It was almost midnight. We could go back to Jack’s place or grandma’s house or try yet another “friend” of Cisco. We decided to call it a night. I was tired and figured that Cisco was hiding somewhere for the night. The P.O. agreed because he had to be at work by 8:00 a.m.
Sally and I were sitting on the couch having some hot tea and discussing our night when we got the next call from the P.O. He said that he was really sorry to bother us but asked if we still had some pictures of Cisco. He had returned to grandma’s and was waiting for the police to assist him in a search of Chrissie’s bedroom. I decided that I wasn’t all that tired and told the P.O. that I would be right there.
As I was walking down the driveway I got that feeling. I’ll swear that Cisco was nearby and watching the house at that point. I looked around but couldn’t make anything out in the dark.
When I got near grandma’s I spotted a police car but it was at the wrong end of the street. Then I spotted the P.O. driving away from the house. The P.O. told me that he thought that Chrissie and her brother might have spotted him sitting in front of the house and decided to move away to wait for the police. Then he went to see why the police car was at the other end of the street. He found out that there was a burglary in progress which of course took precedence. We understood.
Around 1:00 a.m. we went back down to grandma’s and waited in the car for our police escort. Nothing happened.
Around 2:00 a.m. the P.O. called the police dispatcher and was told that they were currently downtown booking the burglary suspect and would not be available until around 3:00 a.m. I noted the irony that once more; here I was out searching for my son on a dark chilly night while he was probably in someone’s nice warm house sleeping or who knows what else. Nothing happened. Around 2:45 the P.O. asked me if I wanted to wait or call it quits. Without a warrant we had no authority to search the house. We doubted that grandma would be in the mood to allow us in, even with a police escort.
I replied that I could wait but that I was not the one that needed to be at work in five hours. We called it quits.
I went home, locked up the house and had a wonderful night’s (what was left of it) sleep.
PART 4 – Sunday, The Return of Our Son
Sunday morning Sally and I got up and left for the Vatican Splendors Exhibition at the Heinz History Center. Sally had purchased tickets a few weeks earlier. Feeling a little better that Cisco was at least in the neighborhood gave us enough relief that we could relax. We of course were still concerned about who he was with and what drugs he might have used but this was something that we didn’t cause and that we couldn’t change. We decided to enjoy the show.
We were there for about 30 minutes and reading about Emperor Constantine when my phone vibrated. The number was “Unavailable” but I knew it was Cisco. He said “Dad, I don’t want to die.” I agreed that I didn’t want him to die and asked where he was. He said that he was at Bruegger's. I told him to wait there and we would pick him up. He said he would start walking home. We went to Bruegger’s but he had already left. We drove home the way that he should have been walking but didn’t spot him. Sally called the P.O. and left a message. We got home and there was no sign of him. We decided to wait and hope that he was still on his way. We decided that we needed to quietly get him to sit on the patio and discuss how he was doing physically and mentally. We also decided that after about 15 minutes one of us would come up with an excuse to go back into the house and then phone the P.O. again.
Sally was the first to spot him and met him on the patio. She brought out some water for him and gave him a big hug. She made some small talk about the garden work we had done on Saturday and had him sit down and relax.
When I made it to the patio he was explaining how he had spent most of the night in the woods behind our house. He mentioned that Sally came the closest to finding him. While she was looking in Bambi’s closet he was only a few feet away between the bed and the wall under some pillows and blankets. He said that he did not stay at Bambi’s because he was afraid of the stepdad. He could not get Jack to let him in so he spent a sleepless night in the woods behind our house.
Around 7:00 a.m. he tried to get another “friend” to let him crash at his house. His “friend” would not open the door and told him to go home and to turn himself in. Instead he walked to McDonald’s to warm up. He finally decided to call us and see what options he had.
I told him that we would discuss his options with his P.O. at Shuman Center. He said that he would not go. I told him that he only had two choices; he could come peacefully in the car with us or I would call 911 and have the police take him in. He asked if we would give him a 10 minute head start before we called the cops. I told him absolutely “No.” Cisco surprised both of us with his reaction. He took off his serenity bracelet and his watch, put his cigarettes, lighter and wallet on the table and put his head down and cried. It was an unusual show of emotion by Cisco.
Sally gave him another hug. I told him, once more, that we did love him and that is why we needed him to get clean and stay clean. I explained that when all of his friends were telling him to go away we were waiting for him to come home. I told him that he is our son, and will always be our son, and that we want to help him not die.
Sally excused herself to get some food and to make that call to the P.O. to be sure that he was at Shuman and waiting. Cisco admitted that he did the wrong thing and was kind of sorry now. I asked him if he wanted to go back to his recovery program and he wasn’t sure. I said that is okay and we could discuss it at Shuman over the next day or two.
Sally came out with some chicken soup and pierogies. Cisco said that he wanted to recover but that he wanted to do it "his way". He didn’t want to do it the P.O.’s way, he didn’t want to do it our way and he didn’t need to be in a program. I quietly explained that the last two times we left it up to "his way" he couldn't do it. I quoted from the Nar-a-non meetings we had attended together “You will end up one of three ways; you will recover, you will end up in jail or you will end up dead.” Cisco agreed and told us that the last two ways might not be so bad. I repeated that I did not ever want to see him die. I did not even want to see him in jail. I told him that I had seen some of my friends and coworkers that had recovered, some that had gone to jail and, sadly, a few that had died from their addiction. I repeated that only he can make that choice and that I only hoped that it would be to live a clean and sober life.
Sally told him that his P.O. was on the phone and would like to talk to him. Cisco and his P.O. went over the same issues and the P.O. explained to Cisco that we would get him into the program that would suit him the best. His P.O. told him that the people at his current recovery program thought that he was doing really well. They were surprised that he walked away and they would like him to come back but he would need to test clean of all drugs and alcohol first.
Cisco’s head finally started to clear and he agreed that we could start with a trip to Shuman and talk over his future with the P.O. but not until he could change his socks and underwear that he had been wearing for four days.
Part 5 – Back to the Present, One Day at a Time
This episode had a good ending. I won’t say happy because we are not quite there yet. We will continue to take each day as it comes. We accept that this has been another step in Cisco’s recovery. For now we know that Cisco has 4 days clean and is in a safe place. Cisco knows that we are still here for him. Sally and I are back to our “regular” lives and can relax for the day.
Tuesday night at Gateway Parent’s Night we discussed how once in a while we remember the little kid we used to have. The kid that enjoyed their family, some good friends and activities, the kid that liked to talk and joke with us. We were full of hope and dreams for them, then. Then this disease, this addictive behavior, whatever you call it; it came along and took our kid away. 
Not all at once, it took a few years for that kid to disappear. The best we can do now is to keep ourselves healthy so that we can help our child get the help they need to heal themselves. It will not happen overnight. Just like this episode, we will take one step at a time. And yes they will trip once in a while but if we can keep ourselves in good shape we can be there to help them up. And if all works out well we may get some of our kid back again.
These first three steps of Nar-anon are a big help to get you started.
1. We admitted we were powerless over the Addict -- that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Our Higher Power as we understood it.
Once again we truly want to thank our team at Allegheny County Probation (especially Cisco's P.O.) and at Wesley Spectrum for helping our family through this latest crisis. And of course we want to give a big thanks to all of the professionals and parents at PSST, and at Gateway Squirrel Hill, who have turned our lives around and who are always there to support and encourage us.
Share
Finding Cisco
Posted by:Rocco--Wednesday, October 20, 2010
PART 1 - Thursday - Cisco Disappears
Sally and I are the parents of Cisco, a teenage addict. We visited a PSST meeting in early 2007 and felt a bit intimidated. We then worked with his school, several private counselors and a Dual Diagnosis Program but Cisco’s addictive behavior just kept getting worse. It wasn’t until we came back to PSST in May 2009 that we discovered that our own codependent behavior was a big part of Cisco’s addiction. Since then Cisco has been in and out of juvenile detention, several recovery programs, relapsed and he has made significant progress. So have Sally and I.
In July Sally and I stood up in court and asked for an extension of Cisco’s probation. This turned out to be significant because…
Our son, Cisco, relapsed again in August.
Because he was still under Juvenile Probation Cisco was immediately placed in an inpatient recovery program. Since he is 18 we asked for an adult facility. With the help of the Allegheny County Juvenile Probation and Wesley Spectrum we chose a “Behavior Modification” program. Sally and I toured the facility ahead of time and were impressed with both the facility and the program.
Cisco appeared to be doing well in this difficult program. We had a fairly good visit with him last Thursday evening. Several people came over to tell us how good he was doing. But towards the end of the visit he seemed to be getting a bit agitated. We had tried to get him to talk about where he would go and what he would do after completing the program. We decided to end the visit and let him chill out.
After we left he unexpectedly walked away from the facility (it is an unlocked facility) and disappeared.
Unfortunately his Probation Officer wasn’t informed about Cisco leaving until Friday morning. He and Cisco’s counselor went into immediate action; contacting Sally and me, gathering information and preparing a request for an arrest warrant for Cisco.
Sally tried her best to detach and refocus but was, of course, concerned about where Cisco went to, where he would stay, who he was with, and which drugs, if any, he might use. I was also apprehensive but tried as well as I could to refocus on the fact that Cisco could not get all that far on $20 and not a lot of urban street smarts.
Sally arrived home early and made sure that all of the windows and doors were locked. She made some calls to some of Cisco’s “friends” that she felt she may be able to trust. They all said that they did not know where he was but would contact her if they heard anything. Sally and I, as well as his P.O. and his Counselor all had our doubts that these “friends” would make the call.
We felt that Cisco would eventually be hiding out at one or more of their homes. How long his “friends” and their parents would allow Cisco to hide out was the next question.
Sally and I were concerned but did our best to accept the wisdom that this was something that we could not change, the serenity to understand that, along with Cisco’s relapse, this is yet another step in his recovery process, and the courage to continue on as normally as we could.
We heard nothing on Friday night and we did some shopping and watched a movie. Saturday morning we went to our PSST Meeting and had a good chance to vent out feelings and emotions. We received a lot of empathy and understanding in return. We enjoyed a wonderful lunch at Aladdin’s.
Sally called our local police about Cisco and found out that it was our high school’s homecoming weekend which of course results in a lot of parties which would be attractive to someone like Cisco. Cisco's counselor suggested getting a picture of Cisco to the local police department along with a request to detain him and to call the P.O. if they spotted Cisco in the township. We took his picture to the station. We were greeted by an officer who knew and liked Cisco; he gave us a chuckle and told us that they really didn't need a picture. That gave us a peculiarly disconcerting kind of feeling as his parents.
That combined with driving back home past the homecoming football crowd gave Sally and I that sick feeling (that big codependency trigger) that a parent of a teenage addict knows. What did I do wrong? Why am I not allowed to enjoy this beautiful autumn day at this celebration with my teenager like all of these “Normal Folks” are? Why isn’t my son or daughter enjoying the homecoming dance? We talked it out and refocused our emotions again.
We went home and spent the next five hours in our garden taking out the remains of the summer and planting 80-some bulbs for the spring. We cleaned up and went for a leisurely dinner at Denny’s.
That’s when we received a call from Cisco’s P.O.
Part 2 – Saturday Evening – Let’s Turn Over a Few Rocks
The P.O. was in our neighborhood and wanted to speak with us. We invited him to join us at Denny’s for dessert. Over dessert he explained his plan to attempt to flush Cisco out from hiding. He had started at one of Cisco’s “friend’s” houses and asked if he could search the place to be sure that Cisco was not hiding there. As a professional courtesy a local police officer accompanied the P.O. in the search.
What the P.O. needed from us was more addresses where we thought that Cisco might be comfortable hiding out at. We discussed quite a few possibilities (Cisco always was a very social person) and we had it down to three possibilities; an ex-girlfriend (Chrissie), a friend who happened to be a girl (Janet) and his former best friend (Jack).
We decided on Janet’s first, a favorite place for Cisco to chill (and we always suspected a favorite place for him to use). Janet’s dad answered the door and was suspicious, of course, but her mother knew and liked Cisco. She understood and invited us in.
Janet told us that she didn’t see Cisco and didn’t know anything about his whereabouts. A smile came across her mom's face and she said "Sure you do, he was here yesterday afternoon." Janet gave her mom that look but switched gears at an astonishingly speed and said “Oh yeah, right, Jack brought him here but we dropped him off back by your neighborhood.”
The P.O. asked her as a favor to bring up Cisco’s Facebook page to see if Cisco had been on it since Thursday. With her parents watching she pulled up the page and we found that he had left a kind of rambling note on Friday. It didn’t give us any clues but we were now reassured that Cisco was back in the neighborhood where he was most comfortable.
We left for our #2 choice; the ex-girlfriend Chrissie’s grandma’s house. Janet agreed that that would be the most likely place that he would be.
When we arrived Chrissie was not at home. We spoke with her grandma. She assured us that Cisco was not there and had not ever been there. When she heard that Cisco had walked away from a recovery facility she was very surprised and said that she would not want anyone who did drugs to visit with her granddaughter.
When the local police officer arrived to assist the P.O. in a search of Chrissie’s bedroom the grandmother said it was okay but she just needed a few minutes to tidy the room up. Her granddaughter was very sloppy and she was a little embarrassed to let anyone see it.
Despite both the P.O.’s and the Police officer’s repeated assurances that they were not offended by sloppy teenager’s rooms the grandma would not allow them in unless she was able to go in first, just for a couple of minutes. The discussion came to an end when the grandma received a call from Chrissie asking for a ride home from her girlfriend’s house.
When Sally heard who Chrissie's girlfriend was her heart jumped up and then down. I didn’t feel much better but we both knew that if we hurried Cisco would be there for sure. Chrissie was at Bambi’s house. Bambi is the biggest pill popping, pot smoking, addict in the township. Bambi is also the girl that Sally came home from work to find sleeping on our couch the day that Cisco overdosed on Robitussin and who knows what else.
We all followed grandma to the house. Sally got a sick feeling in the car and called the P.O. on the phone to tell him that she felt sure that the grandma was phoning ahead to warn them. The P.O. agreed but said let’s keep going.
When we got to Bambi’s Chrissie was already standing on the street waiting for her ride. The P.O. got grandma to roll down the window so he could talk to Chrissie. She admitted that Cisco was with her at Bambi’s but cut out early before Bambi’s stepfather got home from work.
No, she didn’t have any idea where he would go to, no, Cisco did not stay at her house the night before, no, she was not intoxicated. No, the P.O. didn’t believe her on any one of the three statements. He gave grandma his card with his phone number in case she heard anything about where Cisco was. No, he didn’t think that he would ever get a call from grandma.
The P.O. and Sally were admitted into Bambi's house with no trouble. I waited outside for the police to show up. They checked the bedrooms and even the closets. Only later they would find out how close we came to catching Cisco. Bambi was clearly intoxicated. No surprise there, except that her mom and stepdad were sitting in the living room watching TV while these kids were getting high in the bedroom. The P.O. thanked them for cooperating but was clearly annoyed that we just missed Cisco. Sally and I were also disappointed. It seemed that Sally’s intuition was correct. Someone had warned them that we were coming.
The only consolation the P.O. could offer is that we had flushed him out on a cold night. He felt that there was a lot of texting and twittering going on throughout the township warning that hiding Cisco was like posting an invitation for the police to visit your home. The last thing that Cisco’s “friends” ever want is a visit from the police.
It was after 11:00 and we debated what our next move was.
People are generally less agreeable to opening their home the later it gets. We thought of going back to grandma’s house thinking that she may have picked Cisco up a street or two away. Or Cisco could be hiding nearby, possibly in Bambi’s back yard waiting for the parents to go to bed.
Or Cisco may have headed home even though it was totally locked up. If he could get to our camping gear he would at least be more comfortable if he had to sleep in the woods.
Or Cisco may have headed for Jack’s house. We gave Jack a call. Jack assured me for the second time that night that he would not allow Cisco in his house. I believed him because I have known Jack since he and Cisco went to first grade. He cut off his friendship with Cisco anytime Cisco was using. The P.O. wasn’t sure and wanted to talk to him.
We called him and asked Jack to text Chrissie to ask her what was going on with Cisco. He called back and said that we probably missed him in Bambi’s closet. Sally assured us that she did not miss him as difficult as it was to get the door open with all of the debris on the bedroom floor. Cisco is a big kid and could not have hid in there.
The P.O. wanted to talk to Jack in person. Sally wanted to go home and go to sleep. I decided to ride sidekick with the P.O.
Go to PART 3 – Saturday at Midnight – A Time to Sit and Wait
Promises - Written by Violet, Who is a PSST Mom
Posted by:Sally--Wednesday, October 20, 2010
As I was getting ready to leave the phone rang…I saw it said Liberty Station….and there was the feeling again….that sickness in the pit of your stomach from so many phone calls before…when will that go away…I answer with..this is Violet, what’s wrong…I was informed Sal did not put his visitor request in the required 2 days in advance so I would not be able to see him….My heart sank…was this another way to punish me? Something prompted me to ask if I could go to the family educational session…why I did was not in my control…my first reaction was to say fine…he doesn’t follow the rules that is was happens….but those words did not come out of my mouth…much to my surprise I was told I could come….
The therapist told me she felt he did want to see me because on his goals he wrote to have a good visit with his mom…she felt he was testing the rules….so as a mother of an addict I felt here we go again….pushing the buttons…I should just stay home…but something inside me urged me to go…so I listened and went…
When I got there all the parents were with their kids…except me…and then the therapist said she was getting Sal because he needed to be there and I just would not be able to visit afterward…so there I sat…like so many times before…in the principal’s office….in court….getting out of jail….in rehab….waiting…waiting for him to be brought in to be told the bad news….he comes in and sits….and I think to myself what now….
But the session begins….we are given a worksheet….we have to list…2 things that we like about each other….we don’t like and that we need…..I give mine thought….Sal is done in record time….and I think doesn’t he think this is important….what is the matter with him….why do I continue to try…..well it comes to our turn and we have to read them out loud….I start with my first 2 and he responds with his….and he did give it thought after all…am I so quick to judge my own son….I am ashamed of myself….the summary of his responses were for me to not to continually dwell on past events and to praise him more when he does something right and continue to support him…..that was eye opening for me….is that what I have become….but he didn’t say it with hate….he understood my feelings…..maybe I need to learn from that….and then to the last question…I need____. Mine was pretty typical…stay clean…be part of the family…..get a plan and continue to work towards recovery……
His was I NEED YOU TO BE IN MY LIFE!!!!............
Wow…..for my son….who has buried his emotions….that was huge….of course….as the mother of an addict…..I did what I do best… cry……
Now I know why God sent me there…..I believe it was a test…..not just of obedience but for me to trust that I am not in control….that there is a plan…..and it is not mine….it is from a power greater than I can imagine….and if I believe not just when it’s easy but when it’s very difficult I can have the peace I so strive for not just in my life but my son’s…
This episode has opened my eyes that I need to separate my memories and feelings……those of the addict and those of my son…for truly they are not the same person….and I do tend to blend them….
Please God…grant me the wisdom to know the difference…..
Violet
