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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Thanks, Daisy, for sharing this!
MY PROMISE TO MY CHILDREN:
As long as I live, I will always be your parent first and your friend second. I will stalk you, I will flip out on you, I will lecture you, drive you insane and be your worst nightmare, and I will hunt you down like a bloodhound when I have to, because I love you. When you understand that, I will know you have become a responsible adult. You will never find anyone in your life that loves, cares, prays or worries about you more than I do. If you don't mutter under your breath "I hate you" at least once in your life, then I'm not doing my job properly.
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Scoring the home pass
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, December 29, 2012
(Originally posted November 7, 2011)
Just a note about scoring home passes. This is where you set the bar. If you rate the home pass "successful" mostly because you've seen improvement and you want to encourage your teenager, then consider this: his goal is to have a successful home pass. Period. Oh sure he may have other goals but none of them rise to the importance of just having his home pass rated as successful.
Once you say it was successful you have told him that's good enough. Not only does this have repercussions for future home passes but it has repercussions for the behavior that you can expect once he is returned home from placement. This is really a rare opportunity for you to send a strong message of where you want the bar set and what your expectations are for his behavior.
For example, perhaps you were tested over and over about his wanting to break the rules. Each time you used your parenting skills, e.g., use of power words such as nevertheless and regardless to win the day. OK, you correctly say to yourself that he has to test you to see if you are really going to enforce those rules or not. Fine. However, at the end of the day, or in this case at the end of the home pass you feel exhausted and couldn't wait for it to be over, what does that mean?
In answer to that I'm not sure we have a hard and fast answer. Because he did follow the rules and isn't that what counts? Well, yes on the one hand but if in fact this means that each and every home pass is going to be an exhausting affair, and return home after placement is going to begin a lone exhausting battle to enforce every rule, then perhaps we have to look at this and wonder if set the bar to low. After all, it's not like these rules wern't laid out ahead of time.
In other words, while some testing of the rules might be considered OK and might even be expected, acceptance of badgering might be a missed opportunity for the parent to set the bar higher. Trust your instincts on this. If the visit felt bad, are you being honest when you report that it was successful. One reason that this is important is that Kathie and I like to see three successful home passes before discharge home.
All I want to do here is challenge PSST parents to make the best use of the home pass that you can. It's a window of opportunity.
Here's a suggestion for home pass guidelines that I don't' think we've given in any of our other posts about home passes. Try to strike a balance between some testing and too much testing of rules.
Teen: Mom, I want to call my girlfriend. She's going to be upset if I don't at least call. I mean C'mon, at least one phone call is that asking too much? You get one phone call in jail even.
Mom: [Mom is tempted to cover, once again, the purpose of "family only home pass" but she reminds herself that this is ground that has been covered before over and over and over. So instead she tries this.] I know you hate that rule, you feel it is terribly unfair. And while I don't understand exactly how important this call is, I hear you that's it's pretty darn important. Might not be life or death but it sounds like it is just under that on the scale of importance in your life.
Teen: Right! I gotta call her Mom please let me please let me please let me.
Mom: This is the best I can offer. You go ahead, say for the next hour, ask me if you can call her. I know you need to test us on this. We'll have this conversation or whatever you want to call it, until 2:00 O'clock. After that, I need you to stop asking if you can make that call. Otherwise, I'm afraid our whole weekend is going to be exhausting, at least for us. Do you see what I'm saying?
Teen: You're saying go ahead and ask but if I ask all weekend that's unacceptable?
Mom: Right, that's exactly what I'm saying- great job hearing me.
Teen: But that's not fair.
Mom: How would this be more fair? [Use of open-ended question. More effective for opening up teen than saying "why not?"]
Teen: Well, it shouldn't matter how many times I ask, as long as I don't make the call I should get a successful home pass, because I followed all the rules.
Mom: That's a very good point. Maybe I'm being too harsh about this, and by the way, I appreciate that you and I can have this conversation, but you see, this isn't working for me.
Teen: What do you mean?
Mom: Well, it works fine for you- you can ask me a thousand times, and push me all weekend to let you make that one call, and as long as you don't make it, you're good. Meanwhile, it hasn't been any fun for me having to deal with this over and over and over again all weekend. That's why I wanted to set a limit on it. You get to ask me that same question, or lets' say questions about violating the rules that we have already agreed on, for a certain time period. Maybe I can negotiate the time period, if you feel that ask me up to 2:00 PM is to restrictive for you. You can suggest a different time period, but I'm not comfortable that you get to ask me the entire weekend, then i'm exhausted, and you still get a "successful home pass." I don't feel that that is fair either.
Teen: Oh, I see, so if I ask all weekend then you'll tell Outside In that I was unsuccessful?
Mom: Yes, but I'll negotiate the time frame with you if you like.
Teen: Like what?
Mom: Well, let's say if 2:00 Pm is too restrictive for you, then how about you can badger us about that rule until 5:00 PM, that's three extra hours, that means you can badger us for almost four hours is you start right now, then drop it- just follow the rules the rest of the weekend, and we'll call that a successful home pass if nothing else unforseen happens? How's that- do you feel that is more fair? [Notice labeling the behavior as badgering.]
Teen: I guess so.
Mom: OK, then that's a deal. Let's get started. Ask me if you can call your girlfriend or whomever you want to violate the home rules that we already agreed on before you left for the weekend.
Teen: Can I call her?
Mom: No. [pause.] go ahead ask me again.
Teen: This is stupid.
Mom: Kind of - yes, but at least I feel that it's more fair.
Teen: I'm not going to get to call her no matter how many times I ask.
Mom: I agree.
Teen: I'm done. I'm going to my room. Don't bother me OK?
Mom: Take a break Son it's OK. We'll talk about this later.
Teen: Don't think you won or you heard the last of this.
Mom: Oh no. I'm sure we'll talk about it later.
This role-play was not intended to be the end-all-be-all prototype of home pass rule negotiations. Many of you could write better ones I expect. My only intention was to show that you do not have to have an exhausting weekend and still rate it as successful. There is a way or perhaps call it a goal, to let your teenager know that enough is enough. "It's fine that you are following the rules but if the entire weekend was spent testing me, then no I'm going to have a problem calling that successful."
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 A thought for the day from Daisy, especially appropriate during this holiday season . . . Many of us worry about tomorrow so much that we sometimes forget to enjoy today!
"I have a stairway in my house, and every time I look too far ahead when I walk up or down the steps, I stumble and fall. I don’t have any problem when I pay attention to the step I’m on or the one that is just ahead. It’s the same for our lives. Looking too far ahead can cause us to stumble and fall."
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First and foremost I want to thank all of those in attendance at PSST on Saturday, December 15th for the Big Announcement. It was so nice to see such a wonderful turnout and the support is incredible.
As you probably know by now, I have accepted a job with Allegheny County Juvenile Probation and will be starting on January 14th, effectively ending my time at Wesley Spectrum Services on January 11th. While it is sad to step away from a job that I am very passionate about, I am stepping into a job that I am even more passionate about. It is a wonderful opportunity for me to take all of the wonderful skills I have learned and apply them in a different facet.
For those of you who attended the meeting, know that I was speechless after everyone's comments and could only mutter the words "thank you." The truth is, I was extremely humbled by all of the kind words and show of support that I was rather choked up. Over the last 2 years I have learned so much from not only Lloyd and Kathie (Val and Jerry, too!) but all of the parents as well. You have allowed me to see you in vulnerable times and have accepted advice with open arms, which I know is very difficult at times. I'm very impressed also with how each of you has grown, many by leaps and bounds. I'm thankful for how embraced I felt from the beginning and the compassion shown towards new parents to the group. PSST has been a wonderful experience for me and I have every notion of attending from time to time in the future. I will also spread the word to the families I work with because I have seen such positive effects on all of you that attend.
I'm truly grateful for the guidance of Lloyd and Kathie in particular; I could not have grown in the ways I have without the support from them and Val. I'm looking forward to this new chapter in my career and will not forget any of you. Again, thank you for all of your continued effort to become empowered and save your children's lives! Without all of your dedication to each other and your kids, as professionals we would likely not have the same level of joy with our jobs as we do. As parents we all have been given a gift and sometimes it is up to us to keep that gift safe; never feel bad about doing everything in your power to ensure that happens!
Thank you so much for everything that you all have said and given!
Thank you also for allowing my wife and daughter to share in the last half of the meeting!
God Bless and Merry Christmas!
Justin Innocent
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It's tempting to challenge a loved one, a child or a spouse to prove that they love you.
"If you loved me you would respect my space."
"If you loved me you wouldn't threaten me."
Don't be surprised if you see your teen using this approach back on you.
"Mom, if you loved me, you wouldn't call my Probation Officer." "Dad, if you loved me you would let me have the car tonight. You know how important it is to me."
The real problem is that love has nothing to do with it.
Love isn't enough. If love was enough then we wouldn't have any parents at PSST because you couldn't find any more loving parents than at PSST.
People show love in different ways. It's up to the shower of the love to decide how to show it. It is also true, however, that some people, either teens or adults, give lip service to love without demonstrating it. Love is an action word and sometimes we are right to ask for reassurance that someone loves us; however, if we are using our need for reassurance to try to control a loved one's behavior it is probably going to backfire at some point.
I am reminded again of what we say in PSST and this time I looked up the source: “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them." -James Arthur Baldwin.
Show love to your loved ones and likely (at some point)your loved ones will show love back. Sometimes I think we fail to consider how many different little ways we can show love to our loved ones. Let's consider for a moment how we as parents but more than that as people can show love to our loved ones.
For example, have you told your teen that you love them today. Have you told them that you are thinking of them? Have you texted them lately? Have you written them (snail mail anyone?) When's the last time you bought a card for your teen when it wasn't their birthday or it wasn't Christmas? What is their favorite foods and when have you made that favorite dish last? Is there a movie they are dying to see and why not surprise them with movie tickets? How about spending more time and just listening instead of lecturing? How about letting them know in some other way that you were thinking of them?
There are lots of ways, but as it often happens, parents become resentful because the teenager has accrued so much power. And when we are resentful we don't care to do the little things. When we feel like we are being taken advantage of, then we don't want to show love. Instead, we want love shown to us and we want reassured that our teens love us and we fear that really they only want "stuff." Even then if we roll the tape back we are probably the ones that started equating "stuff" with love. "See how much we got you for Christmas?"
Here's some alternatives to say when you are thinking of saying, "If you loved me you would _____.
"I know you love me, I'm your mother and you have your special ways of showing that you love me. I'm just saying another way you could show me that is to clean your bedroom really really good today. You know that Aunt Cheryl is coming over and it would mean a lot to me to have the whole house clean. I can help you if you need it or if you don't need help that's fine too."
Even though I suggest this as an alternative to saying, "If you loved me you would ___" it is probably better to just separate the love thing from behavior. "Hey, I know you don't need to hear this, but I need you to clean your room really really good today. It's a big day! Aunt Doris is coming and I'm going to be getting the whole house in order."
Associating love with behaviors is a slippery slope. Consider the above example but put the shoe on the other foot. When that gets turned around on you it might look like this: "Mom, I know you love me and you have your ways of showing that, but one way you could show that is to ask the Judge to send me home with you today." Of course, then you have the option of replying, "You're right I love you very much and today I'm more concerned about your safety so it's not all about love today."
Another side of this coin is trying to control an addict by withholding love. "Oh, if you do that again, I'm done with you- forget you- don't even speak to me because I won't be talking to you." The problem with this is that it doesn't work. Even when teenagers rob, kill, rape or whatever, parents still love them. Love isn't something that you can just turn off like a light. Pretending as though you can turn it off is phony and in the end it has a way of backfiring on you.
If you've been to PSST you know that we talk about how to adopt a Non-enabling approach to your teenager that can still be done with love. We just stop giving them stuff, stop giving them money, stop giving them privileges, or in some other way hold them accountable for their behavior. Just don't pretend that you won't love them because no one is going to believe that one.
If your teenager doesn't do what you want you know it doesn't mean they don't love you. They love you. They just love stuff, power, drugs, and other things too.
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The
Conversational Best Practices of Roxie and Lenny - written by Roxie
Lenny, my 17-year-old twin son, has been dibbling and dabbling in drugs and alcohol since age 13. To my surprise, he was leading a double / triple life outside of my happy home. Just a sidebar - one’s definition of happy may not be the same as one’s children. Apparently, happy to me meant boring to Lenny. As Lenny’s mantra goes, “You know what happens when I get bored, don’t you?” Was that a threat or just an in-Roxie’s-face demand to keep him purposefully occupied so he will not hang with his homeboys and get high? Both.
To help Lenny redefine what true happiness should be, we have embarked on weekly counseling sessions together at his halfway house. My reluctance took months, for I thought it would be an hour of wasted time with my uncooperative kid and a counselor explaining the meaning of co-dependency. To my wonderful surprise, it has turned out to be one of the most significant, positive experiences involving Lenny and myself.
In the first meeting, I noticed a small white board next
to the counselor’s chair with eight rules of conversational engagement that
Lenny and I had to follow during our session.
I was awestruck. It was as though I was discovering a new form of
hieroglyphics. I experienced what Oprah would call an “aha” moment. I have
named these rules Conversational Best Practices. The rules are so simple, yet
tantalizingly untied to my unruly tongue.
1. Avoid
interruptions. Instead, wait for the person to pause, or ask if it is OK to
speak.
2. Avoid
talking for more than a minute.
3. Avoid
saying, “no” when someone asks for something. Instead, tell the person what you
can do.
4. Avoid
rolling eyes or using negative facial expressions.
5. Avoid
swearing, shouting, sarcasm, or statements that are hurtful.
6. Avoid
talking about past problems or weaknesses. Instead, suggest solutions and alk
about strengths.
7. Talk
about things you want. Do not give criticisms about the negative attitudes you
dislike.
8. Speak
in a soft and conversational tone of voice.
Lenny and I are both amazed at how well these rules are
working in our counseling sessions. I would recommend them for everyone.
Unfortunately, I realized that I use none of these at home. My inside
voice is only used in the bathroom. I roll my eyes and snap my neck while I let
my sarcasm soar. An example of Roxie’s frustrating conversational attack on
Lenny’s dad would be, “Your parental involvement with your family is so minimal
that you carry around the family picture that came with the wallet!” Those type
of non-cursing statements are also used while my hands are on my hips;
vocalizing with an outside voice. Swearing is non-essential; point well taken
and unmistakably understood.
Lenny showed empathy and concern during his last home
visit with me. “Mom, you are a completely different person talking to me at the
counseling session than you are talking to Daddy and my sister at home.”
Indeed. Although it is not part of the rules, I was
literally speechless. In my uncomfortable silence, he repeated the statement.
I told Lenny that I would start using the rules at home,
without telling his dad and twin sister. It would be an experiment
to see if they notice how I have morphed into a kinder, gentler Roxie. Lenny
promised to hold me accountable on his home passes.
In the interim, I will update my husband’s wallet with a
new family photo.
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HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS (OR NOT) by Sally and Rocco
Having a young family member in placement during the holiday season is agonizing.
Sometimes it is far too much and parents “surrender”. They sincerely want to practice the "tough love" discussed at their parent meetings, never-the-less, maybe this year is not the year.
With a lot of guilt they invite their addict child home for “just a few hours” on a home pass.
No judgment here and no opinion; We simply know this “invite” happens.
If you decide to have your addicted child home, please live with your decision. It is important to set realistic boundaries and reasonable expectations in your heart and in your head. Your “guest” child is very sick. Keep that fact close during their visit.
Remember that your child is no longer the cuddly little kid that rolled down the steps in their footie pajamas just a few short years ago. Those days are gone and it takes inner strength and effort to be able to accept that fact.
Acceptance is one of our many holiday “side dishes” as parents of addicts.
Your child has become both physically and mentally altered by their addiction. For your parental perspective to remain clear this must be understood. Keep in mind that ultimately the responsibility of their recovery belongs to them. Plain and simple, the call is their burden.
For those who are struggling with the decision to have them spend a few hours at home with you, we only pray and hope that it works out well. Clearly set and discuss your expectations and your rules with them prior to the day of their visit.
Along with the sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce you will want to serve up a side order of “boundaries” for your holiday table. Keep the rules realistic but enforce all of them. Their visit is number one a “Family Visit” - No friends and no phone calls.
If they can’t agree with your rules you want to reconsider your invitation. Once they are at home be aware that if they are having difficulties meeting your rules and expectations that you are permitted to end their visit early. Good or bad - discuss their visit honestly with their counselors.
If you opt to have your child suffer their own consequences of spending their holiday away from home, we wish you continued strength as we know this decision cuts your heart like a razor.
Either way; joy does not come easily but we sincerely wish you peace and strength this Holiday Season.
If you need to discuss this or other issues please come to our next PSST Meeting.
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A Rocky Road with Bam by Wilma
Well, it's been almost eight weeks since Bam Bam was transferred to an adolescent ½-way house, and he has had some rocky times so far.
Initially the facility turned him down for admission but his team asked that he be re-evaluated and he was accepted. Bam has a history of aggression and mental health problems but they decided to give him a chance.
He was working a day program and, in addition to being evaluated there, he was breaking rules. He was calling his friends including his cousin that he has used with, going on facebook and making lunch dates with his friend Melvin (the same "friend" who took Bam out last Thanksgiving only to return in less than an hour with a stash of weed).
He told his boss that he had the lunch plans, which they made him cancel and so he got in some trouble at the house. When he called to tell me about this incident, he started off the phone call with "well I didn't get kicked out."
In addition to this he had also punched an outside wall at the house. The director felt the hand needed looked at, so the day before Thanksgiving Bam went to the ER and had a splint put on. However, he refused to continue to wear the splint.
Bam was also staff-splitting so disciplinary action was taken, which involves losing home passes. He was able to get 5 hours on Thanksgiving as the disciplinary action began at 3:00 Monday for 72 hours so it ended at 3:00 Thursday.
The holiday was awkward as we had to keep eyes on Bam at my brother's house. There were triggers there, the biggest one being Bam's cousin that he's used with. However, my family was glad to see him and I think Bam was glad to spend time with our extended family. He hasn't seen anyone except my sister in the 7 months that he's been away. We also took him home for about a half hour and he got to see the dog and home for the first time in almost 7 months.
The Tuesday before Thanksgiving we were in court for Bam's review before his judge.
Bam was officially committed to the ½-way house and the judge agreed that Bam needed to be there. Prior to the hearing, Bam had told me that he thought he had enough of being in placements and that he was going to ask the judge to let him go home. Then he said that he was going to ask the judge to override the ½-way house disciplinary action. His therapist told him if he was going to do that, she would not go to bat for him regarding the partial holiday pass. Thankfully he didn't make these requests and cause any problems in court.
In fact his judge brought up Bam's award winning essay and mentioned that he had read it that day! He told Bam that he'd like to see him implement the suggestions he had in the essay!!!
This I want to see...
In the last several weeks Bam has been looking for a job and has had some interviews. He has to work while he is at the ½-way house since he is not in school. He has had some interviews and almost had one job, but the hours would not work out. However, he was hired at a restaurant close to the house. He called to ask us to buy him shoes (he had to have black, non-skid restaurant shoes) which we picked up for him. I thought here we go again buying yet another pair of shoes for Bam for a job and hoping this time it's for real.
Well, we were visiting him today and he told us he lost the job. He said it's because they knew he was living in a ½-way house but then he also said something about them wanting him to work more than 36 hours (which is what he can work while being at the house).
I'm not sure what the truth is. I never know when he is telling the truth.
Another issue with Bam that started the first week is that he was selling his stuff for money to buy cigarettes (more rule infractions).
Yes, he sold the earrings he bought the day before arriving at the house, at least one hat that we know of, and clothes. I suspect he is also trading his stuff. He denies that he does this, but where is the money coming from?? He did have some money he earned at ABC123 and he spent almost the entire amount on ONE pair of shoes!!
Oh, and another bombshell is that Bam has decided when he is discharged from ½-way house, he is going to get his own apartment. He had told me and Fred that he decided to do this and the details have changed a few times – first he was moving himself to an expensive area, then he was moving in with his buddy Eddie who had been selling weed out of the family basement, and the third choice was moving in with his drug-dealer friend who lives in a questionable neighborhood. However, I don't think these options will fly with his P.O.
We spoke with a staff person who said that Bam went to church today (he is going every week) and she thinks he might be doing better with his sense of entitlement. We had a pleasant, short visit, with no turmoil.
Wilma
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Reverse Honesty
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, November 30, 2012
I interviewed a young person in treatment yesterday. This person, lets call her Doris, had failed in a halfway house but she was still clean. She broke the rules of the halfway house too many times; e.g., getting on Facebook, lying about certain things and when she found out that she was on her way to Shuman (Violation of Probation to fail at halfway house) she thought about running. She didn't run. She was mad. She got a little nasty with people; however, she was still there the next day when her therapist came to ride her to Shuman...then something unexpected happened.
She called a rehab. Even though she was clean they found a way to admit her. Because of her admission to rehab, she avoided Shuman. Now she is approaching discharge and she seems to be committed more than ever to her recovery.
I expressed surprise that she had gotten herself into inpatient and she disclosed that she had fibbed. She now tells me that she told the intake person that she had a small relapse by misusing her prescribed medication to get high.
She seemed a little ashamed, but at the same time she seemed proud of herself. Sort of like a guilty pleasure. On the one hand she says that it is now difficult not to disclose this lie, because she finds herself being so honest this time around about everything else. I think that's why she told me. She wants to be honest. On the other hand, she points out that she "lied so that I could get into treatment, I didn't lie to avoid getting treatment." Of course, she lied also so that she would not go to Shuman but I couldn't help thinking that she was much better off in treatment than she would have been in Shuman.
Was it lying? Yes, but can we also call it reverse honesty? This young lady went on to tell me that at the point that she failed in the halfway house, her disease of addiction had the better of her. Her behaviors in the rehab reeked of relapse, albeit a behavioral relapse. She was fully in a relapse mode but unless she told the intake person that she had actually relapsed, she couldn't have gotten admitted. So, she told the truth about having relapsed but technically she lied about misusing the pills.
Note: If you are an Intake Person at a rehab and you think you know who this person is, let me point out the obvious: maybe she told the truth about the misuse of prescription meds and for some reason she feels that it is necessary to lie to me! We may never know.
I believe that there are times when people manipulate themselves into a higher level of care. Halfway house to inpatient. One thing that Doris said that really stuck with me: "I really needed to be here."
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At PSST we have discussed how important it is that parents work together, present a unified front, discuss their differences in private, and generally prevent the teenager from manipulating the one parent against the other. In this context "protection" of the teenager can sound like a contradiction to all for which we stand. Or it's the exception that proves the rule. I'm not sure.
The passive parent might never stand by for physical or sexual abuse but he doesn't see the emotional abuse for what it is; therefore, he never steps up to the plate.
Because the passive parent has become a co-conspirator he is as responsible for the emotional abuse as the other parent. Also he has missed an opportunity to intervene and build a more solid relationship with his teen.
The good news is that when a passive parent decides to step in, PSST skills can help.
Teen: I didn't think it was going to be that cold out today.
Dad: [Yelling] You don't think, that's the problem. It's November, I told you don't think, just do what I tell you- take the coat to school every day.
Teen: I just didn't think I needed it.
Dad: [Yelling] I told you - don't think just do it. What is it about 'don't think' that you don't understand?
Teen: I just thought...
Dad: [Yelling]That's the problem!
Mom: [Walking in from the other room] OK, she gets the message.
Dad: [Yelling] You stay out of it. When I need your help, I'll ask for it.
Mom: OK, OK, but I think you made your point. [walks out of the room]
Dad: [Continues to yell at teenager about other stuff] Blah Blah Blah
Mom: [Walking in from the other room a second time] hey hey you made your point.
Dad: [Glaring at Dad now] [Yelling} This is none of your business! Do you understand, this is none of your business?
[Pause the action] At this point Mom has set herself up to be the object of Dad's anger. She is basically saying, without saying it, "Hey, if you need to yell at someone, try me. I'm an adult, and I can take it." However, what Mom says is really very different.
Mom: Regardless, I'm not comfortable with it.
Dad: [not really yelling now but very deliberately focusing in on Mom] I don't care what you're comfortable with.
Mom: Nevertheless, I'm not comfortable with that.
Dad: [Glares]
[yelling stops- Mom walks out again. Obviously, Mom is not trying to take over]
{In a few minutes the yelling resumes with the Dad yelling at the daughter.}
Mom: [Yelling a wee-bit from the other room just to be heard] Hey, the dog is getting scared in here!
Dad: [Yelling] You stay out of this!
Mom: [Walks in with the dog] Hey, I just want the dog to see that your not mad at him Honey; he's hears all that yelling and he thinks he did something wrong.
Everyone doesn't have a dog. Right. Still, the idea here is that Mom intervenes every time to protect her daughter and yet she does it without attacking the Dad. In the process she certainly leaves herself open to attack.
At some point the daughter looks at Mom and whispers something like:
Teen: Stop it, you're making him madder.
But Mom doesn't stop. She knows that consistency is important. At no point does she suggest that the girl should not have worn a coat. At no point does she argue against Dad; however, at every point she steps up to the plate to disrupt the yelling.
Later, on the sofa after the teen goes to sleep the Mom initiates a conversation with the Dad, one that she has initiated before. This time, however, she tries to use humor to deflect Dad's anger.
Mom: [whispering] You know, [our daughter]she thought we were seriously mad at each other ha ha nice going, you were very convincing, like you were really mad at me. [Mom puts the pound fist over to Dad, pretending that they were teammates in plot to fool the daughter.]
Dad: [Glares} What do you mean "like" I was really mad at you? I told you before to stay out of it. You are undermining me. Didn't you learn nothing in those PSST classes?? You need to start supporting me so we can show a united front! You wait till next week! I'm going to have Lloyd run this for you in a role play!
Mom: Oh c'mon, You're not mad at me for stepping in, are you? I'm helping you.
Dad: We talked about this before.
Mom: You are right, we have talked about this before and you know that I'm not comfortable with the yelling.
Dad: She was wrong. She needs to wear a coat. You don't seem to care about that. You were home when she went out? Why didn't you stop her?
Mom: You're right. I was home. So you're mad at me? [Pause] I'm different and you're better at that stuff than I am, nevertheless, I'm not comfortable with the yelling. [Mom refuses to have the subject change. Mom is avoiding debate, sticking to one issue, just like we learn to do at PSST.]
Dad: You need to stay out of it. Mind you're own business. I'm not kidding.
Mom: I'm not comfortable with that.
Dad: I don't care what you are comfortable with.
Mom: Regardless, I'm really not comfortable with that.
Dad: [Glares]
Mom, doesn't kid herself. She knows she is not going to change Dad. At least not over night. But she also knows that emotional abuse can only happen if she stands by passively and lets it happen. She doesn't plan to do that so Dad will eventually realize that yelling is going to bring Mom out of the other room.
Notice that at no point does Mom say that the girl is right and Dad is wrong. She is not really taking sides. She is just taking a stand against the yelling. She refuses to debate. She has boundaries and, for her, this is non-negotiable.
Like a lot of our role-plays, this one brings up as many questions as it answers. For example, how should they hold their daughter accountable for not wearing a coat? Should Mom step up to the plate and make sure that daughter wears a coat more often? Is the yelling worse because Mom is not helping Dad to parent? Or does Dad have a need to yell, and without that as an option, what will he do? Is Dad really angry with Mom about numerous issues, but the teen is an easier target? Why should Mom intervene at all if she can't be there ALL the time to protect his daughter? Isn't the yelling just going to happen when she is not there?
This post cannot address all these questions; however, let's examine the last one.
Why, if Mom is powerless to stop the yelling [assuming that they have had these conversations in the past already] should she only stop it when it happens in front of her?
Besides the obvious fact that emotional abuse is difficult to stop when you are not there, it's because the emotional damage could be worse when two parents are around. If Mom allows the yelling in her presence then she is in essence saying to her daughter, "you deserve to be abused." Or "I am not strong enough to protect you." Or worse yet, "You're not worth me making a fight over." In this case not taking action is taking action.
The damage is that the teen begins to see herself as deserving of abuse. Over time, the teen will see herself as unworthy, which is of course the opposite way that we want her to see herself.
When the mother intervenes in real-time, however, she shows her daughter that she doesn't believe that she deserves to be treated in this way. She doesn't see her as unworthy. She knows that this intervention can affect her daughter's self image in a positive way. At the same time, she demonstrates how one person doesn't stand by and let another person, parent or not, abuse someone. She steps up and helps protect someone from being bullied.
Everyone can agree that it is challenging to stand up for the teenager. Let's examine some reasons why:
First, the passive parent does not want to undermine the abusive parent and allow room for the child to manipulate.
Second, the teen has done something wrong; therefore, this emotional abuse is considered disciplining.
Third, it's not certain that yelling is abuse. It falls into gray areas, e.g.,name calling, belittling, and "putting the child down" is more obvious and might be identified as emotional abuse, but how about just yelling at the child?
Maybe the parent who is doing the yelling has every reason to be angry. Is that still emotional abuse?
Some yelling, especially when rarely done or when something out-of-the-ordinary comes up and catches the parent by surprise, is probably not injurious to the child. There are times when parents loose their cool, right away they apologize for their loss of control, and in so doing set a good example. After all no one is perfect. One would think that would cause very little injury.
Or on the other hand there are parents who's main style of discipline is yelling at the child, who believe that they have every right, wait- have every responsibility to address the child by yelling and denigrating. These parents rarely apologize because they see it as their duty to "straighten the child out." To apologize for yelling would seem like they were showing weakness. And yet, these are usually the parents who are surprised that the child is at times disrespectful, yelling angrily at the parents. Don't forget, children imitate adults.
Yes, I'm suggesting that yelling can be injurious to the child and more than that, I'm suggesting that the passive parent needs to step up to the plate to minimize that injury.
Click here to see our other post on yelling.
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 Today is an anniversary ....... and my birthday. Today is one year
that the "Beav" moved out. And to have an all out pity party, my
mother also died 15 years ago today. (Personally I think that her departure on
my birthday was her last "dig", but I will have to wait to find that
out for sure.)
This is about the Beaver, though. A year ago I was supposed to embrace the
words "I threw my son out of the house". It's now a year later, and
I have used various phrasings over the past 12 months. "He's living with his
dad", "I asked him to move in with his father", "he's
living in Charleroi now".......... and yes sometimes "I threw my son
out of the house". The words and I are not BFF's. I still feel my throat
tighten when I get to the end of the sentence. Perhaps I should use it as an
acronym ITMSOOTH. Indeed it does roll off my tongue much smoother.
But would I do it all over again? In a heartbeat. I can honestly say I have approximately 85% sanity most of the time. The other 15% is lost due to life in general, and the phone calls from the Beaver. You see, just to refresh your memory, his father is a functioning alcoholic and was the person whom Beaver stole the reefer from when the big time troubles began. The thought that this is where he is living grabs with hooks into my intestines.
Beaver is basically on his own because his dad works and then stops at the "Legion" on his way home. His dad does not require that he work; in the home or outside. His rules are made to be broken, and Beaver does his best to keep up the standards. Beaver has chosen not to go to any more meetings--doesn't need them, you know? When I asked, he told me that he had relapsed at the end of last year when his love life took a nose dive. According to him it was just for a couple of months until they got back together. Now, according to Facebook, they're engaged. Isn't that grand? She's a sophomore and the Beav is 19. Three and a half years difference--I did the math too.
So why am I posting? Hopefully for those of you that need the final shove to let go; just do it. The world doesn't stop spinning, your life goes on. I don't think you ever put your guard totally down, but that is good. And you don't ever stop loving your child. You will still hate [yes, I mean hate] the things they do and want to try to 'fix it'. But you can't. They're addicts. And that is their personality.
Somewhere underneath their brave front, mouths that say whatever is in their brain at the time, and the smell of defiance pouring off them---they are still your child that you tucked in at night and promised to protect from all the evils of the world. When their world [and them] became the evil that you were supposed to protect them from, our heels dug in and the fight began.
Don't give up the fight. Just choose the one you want to win. Being in the background of Beaver's life hasn't been easy, nor a smooth ride. BUT....I do have the tools to have a meaningful conversation when we are together. Why----because of PSST and the cast of extras. AND.....when we do get together I've learned the body language that works best to obtain information or give advice. Again-----because of everyone involved with PSST.
I miss the meetings and will hopefully be coming to one soon. Sometimes a hug and a kleenex goes a long way.
Blessings and love to all,
"June Cleaver"
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IF I COULD LIVE IT OVER
Losing our son, Cisco on September 1st devastated us. Even with the tremendous outpouring of love and concern from so many dear friends and family, at times, one stands alone with their grief. And even though people say "You did all that you could possibly do to help him through his addiction" it is natural to ask "What if?" it is normal to wonder if you played your cards differently would he still be with us here today. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and have come up with one thing I would have said to Cisco more often.
It is not that I needed to tell him that I loved him anymore times than I did. I truly believe he knew that. There was not more of a need to discipline or to stop enabling.
If I had one more day with Cisco, I would spend a lot of that day encouraging him. "You could do it Cisco, you can beat this nasty disease. I am not saying it will be easy Cisco, however, take one day at a time sometimes you will need to take one moment at a time."
I am only beginning to realize how difficult it is to overcome a strong addiction. Now I see that once this vile and pestilent habit, we call addiction, has its victim by the jugular, the victim is in for the struggle of his life.
Both Rocco and I did spend time encouraging Cisco, however, Cisco was in a tremendous struggle which paled our efforts.
If I had one more day with Cisco I would spend it carefully listening to him and I would gently interject many words of encouragement. I would hug him around his broad chest with both of my arms for a long, long time and before I let him go I would say, "Please, know Cisco, that in the deepest, quietest place in your heart, there is One who can get you through this addiction and give you the strength to see you through."
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Letter to My Son
Below is the letter than Lloyd asked me to post. I wrote it
to my son because I felt he needed clarification on a few things, and so did I.
We had a good talk about this afterwards during his home pass.
Brigitte
Hi (son),
I don't get to see you that much and when I do, we seem to be regularly interrupted, so I thought I'd write some additional thoughts that came up after our visit last night. First of all, I don't think I tell you enough how proud I am of you. You surprise me (in a good way!) with your plans and effort. I'm especially proud that you will have 90 days clean on the 23rd.
I'm a little confused about something you said yesterday. You said that you relapsed in the past because you weren't trying to stay clean, but at your ISP meeting you said that you didn't intend to relapse; it just happened. After I thought about it, I really didn't get it. Were you saying that you didn't intend to relapse but that you also weren't really committed to staying clean? Because you seemed to be committed each time, just as you seem to be committed right now. It's hard to tell though because after each relapse you usually say "Oh well, I wasn't really trying." It seems to me that it would be better to try, fail and be honest about it than to not try and fail and keep making the same mistakes.
This leads to our discussion about your car. Let me be clear about a few things so that we don't keep having the same discussion. Yes, it is your car. We gave it to you; you earned it; you will have it one day. Nevertheless, dad and I will not give a car to someone who is newly in recovery. We made that mistake before and we don't want to make it again. For reasons you won't agree with or understand, we are uncomfortable with handing you the keys until you are on much firmer ground. Of course, we are expecting you to do well and to have your car back at some point. However, I honestly can't say when that would be. I know this makes you angry and that you feel we are trying to control your life and also reneging on our promise. I can see your point of view on that. Regardless, we aren't going to change our mind. Make other plans for the time being. I would think that (your sponsor) would understand that you can't drive there yet. I did offer to pay for a bus pass once probation is over and that offer still stands. The good thing about you is that you are very resourceful when you have to be.
I hope I was clear about school as well. We are willing to reimburse you each semester as long as you maintain a 3.0 average, same expectation we would have of (your brothers). If they fail to maintain a 3.0 in high school, they would also have to come up with the first year of college tuition, then would be eligible for reimbursement. It's up to you whether you want to take us up on it.
Anyway, weird that you just called while I was writing this. Good luck on orientation. Hope it's a job you like.
Lots of love,
Mum
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Congratulations
to Kathie & her team of dedicated professionals!!
Their
program, Wesley Spectrum’s Drug & Alcohol Initiative, has won the
PA Juvenile
Court Judges Commission’s
2012 Community-Based
Program of the Year Award
for the
state of Pennsylvania!
Wesley
Spectrum’s Drug & Alcohol Initiative is an intensive aftercare intervention
that was developed to address unique issues stemming from youth struggling with
substance abuse who are committed to a residential program. The program was designed to aid in the
reunification and stabilization of youth back to their homes by combining family
therapy techniques with drug & alcohol education/interventions. The foundation of the program is based on a
strong partnering approach or "triage" with Wesley Spectrum therapists,
professionals from the residential program, the family, and the Probation
Officer.
Val & Kathie
Lloyd, Kathie, Russ Carlino (Alleg. Co. Chief Juvenile Probation Officer)
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