Protection - an overlooked parental duty Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, November 26, 2012

Where did we find this graphic?

At PSST we have discussed how important it is that parents work together, present a unified front, discuss their differences in private, and generally prevent the teenager from manipulating the one parent against the other. In this context "protection" of the teenager can sound like a contradiction to all for which we stand. Or it's the exception that proves the rule. I'm not sure.

The passive parent might never stand by for physical or sexual abuse but he doesn't see the emotional abuse for what it is; therefore, he never steps up to the plate.

Because the passive parent has become a co-conspirator he is as responsible for the emotional abuse as the other parent. Also he has missed an opportunity to intervene and build a more solid relationship with his teen.

The good news is that when a passive parent decides to step in, PSST skills can help.



Teen: I didn't think it was going to be that cold out today.

Dad: [Yelling] You don't think, that's the problem. It's November, I told you don't think, just do what I tell you- take the coat to school every day.

Teen: I just didn't think I needed it.

Dad: [Yelling] I told you - don't think just do it. What is it about 'don't think' that you don't understand?

Teen: I just thought...

Dad: [Yelling]That's the problem!

Mom: [Walking in from the other room] OK, she gets the message.

Dad: [Yelling] You stay out of it. When I need your help, I'll ask for it.

Mom: OK, OK,  but I think you made your point. [walks out of the room]

Dad: [Continues to yell at teenager about other stuff] Blah Blah Blah

Mom: [Walking in from the other room a second time] hey hey you made your point.

Dad: [Glaring at Dad now] [Yelling} This is none of your business! Do you understand, this is none of your business?

[Pause the action] At this point Mom has set herself up to be the object of Dad's anger. She is basically saying, without saying it, "Hey, if you need to yell at someone, try me. I'm an adult, and I can take it." However, what Mom says is really very different.

Mom:  Regardless, I'm not comfortable with it.

Dad: [not really yelling now but very deliberately focusing in on Mom] I don't care what you're comfortable with.

Mom: Nevertheless, I'm not comfortable with that.

Dad: [Glares] 

[yelling stops- Mom walks out again.  Obviously, Mom is not trying to take over]

{In a few minutes the yelling resumes with the Dad yelling at the daughter.}

Mom: [Yelling a wee-bit from the other room just to be heard] Hey, the dog is getting scared in here!

Dad: [Yelling] You stay out of this!

Mom: [Walks in with the dog] Hey, I just want the dog to see that your not mad at him Honey; he's hears all that yelling and he thinks he did something wrong.

Everyone doesn't have a dog. Right. Still, the idea here is that Mom intervenes every time to protect her daughter and yet she does it without attacking the Dad. In the process she certainly leaves herself open to attack.

At some point the daughter looks at Mom and whispers something like:

Teen: Stop it, you're making him madder.

But Mom doesn't stop. She knows that consistency is important. At no point does she suggest that the girl should not have worn a coat. At no point does she argue against Dad; however, at every point she steps up to the plate to disrupt the yelling.

Later, on the sofa after the teen goes to sleep the Mom initiates a conversation with the Dad, one that she has initiated before.  This time, however, she tries to use humor to deflect Dad's anger.

Mom: [whispering] You know, [our daughter]she thought we were seriously mad at each other ha ha nice going, you were very convincing, like you were really mad at me. [Mom puts the pound fist over to Dad, pretending that they were teammates in plot to fool the daughter.]

Dad: [Glares} What do you mean "like" I was really mad at you? I told you before to stay out of it. You are undermining me.  Didn't you learn nothing in those PSST classes??  You need to start supporting me so we can show a united front!  You wait till next week!  I'm going to have Lloyd run this for you in a role play!

Mom: Oh c'mon, You're not mad at me for stepping in, are you?  I'm helping you.

Dad: We talked about this before.

Mom: You are right, we have talked about this before and you know that I'm not comfortable with the yelling.

Dad: She was wrong. She needs to wear a coat. You don't seem to care about that. You were home when she went out? Why didn't you stop her?

Mom: You're right. I was home.  So you're mad at me?  [Pause]  I'm different and you're better at that stuff than I am, nevertheless, I'm not comfortable with the yelling. [Mom refuses to have the subject change.  Mom is avoiding debate, sticking to one issue, just like we learn to do at PSST.]

Dad: You need to stay out of it.  Mind you're own business. I'm not kidding.

Mom: I'm not comfortable with that.

Dad: I don't care what you are comfortable with.

Mom: Regardless, I'm really not comfortable with that.

Dad: [Glares]

Mom, doesn't kid herself. She knows she is not going to change Dad. At least not over night. But she also knows that emotional abuse can only happen if she stands by passively and lets it happen. She doesn't plan to do that so Dad will eventually realize that yelling is going to bring Mom out of the other room.

Notice that at no point does Mom say that the girl is right and Dad is wrong. She is not really taking sides. She is just taking a stand against the yelling. She refuses to debate. She has boundaries and, for her, this is non-negotiable.

Like a lot of our role-plays, this one brings up as many questions as it answers. For example, how should they hold their daughter accountable for not wearing a coat? Should Mom step up to the plate and make sure that daughter wears a coat more often? Is the yelling worse because Mom is not helping Dad to parent? Or does Dad have a need to yell, and without that as an option, what will he do? Is Dad really angry with Mom about numerous issues, but the teen is an easier target?  Why should Mom intervene at all if she can't be there ALL the time to protect his daughter? Isn't the yelling just going to happen when she is not there?

This post cannot address all these questions; however, let's examine the last one. Why, if  Mom is powerless to stop the yelling [assuming that they have had these conversations in the past already] should she only stop it when it happens in front of her?

Besides the obvious fact that emotional abuse is difficult to stop when you are not there, it's because the emotional damage could be worse when two parents are around. If Mom allows the yelling in her presence then she is in essence saying to her daughter, "you deserve to be abused." Or "I am not strong enough to protect you."  Or worse yet, "You're not worth me making a fight over."  In this case not taking action is taking action.

The damage is that the teen begins to see herself as deserving of abuse. Over time, the teen will see herself as unworthy, which is of course the opposite way that we want her to see herself.

When the mother intervenes in real-time, however, she shows her daughter that she doesn't believe that she deserves to be treated in this way. She doesn't see her as unworthy. She knows that this intervention can affect her daughter's self image in a positive way. At the same time, she demonstrates how one person doesn't stand by and let another person, parent or not, abuse someone. She steps up and helps protect someone from being bullied.

Everyone can agree that it is challenging to stand up for the teenager. Let's examine some reasons why:

First, the passive parent does not want to undermine the abusive parent and allow room for the child to manipulate.

Second, the teen has done something wrong; therefore, this emotional abuse is considered disciplining.


Third, it's not certain that yelling is abuse. It falls into gray areas, e.g.,name calling, belittling, and "putting the child down" is more obvious and might be identified as emotional abuse, but how about just yelling at the child?

Maybe the parent who is doing the yelling has every reason to be angry. Is that still emotional abuse?

Some yelling, especially when rarely done or when something out-of-the-ordinary comes up and catches the parent by surprise, is probably not injurious to the child. There are times when parents loose their cool, right away they apologize for their loss of control, and in so doing set a good example.  After all no one is perfect. One would think that would cause very little injury.

Or on the other hand there are parents who's main style of discipline is yelling at the child, who believe that they have every right, wait- have every responsibility to address the child by yelling and denigrating. These parents rarely apologize because they see it as their duty to "straighten the child out." To apologize for yelling would seem like they were showing weakness.    And yet, these are usually the parents who are surprised that the child is at times disrespectful, yelling angrily at the parents.  Don't forget, children imitate adults.  

Yes, I'm suggesting that yelling can be injurious to the child and more than that, I'm suggesting that the passive parent needs to step up to the plate to minimize that injury. Click here to see our other post on yelling.