Addiction and "Logic"
"A person who tries to understand addiction using intellectual logic will become frustrated and feel manipulated by the addict."
"We can sum up emotional logic in the phrase 'I want what I want and I want it now.'"
One of my favorite PSST-isms is "We are good parents; we are not good parents of addicts."
As noted above trying to use our "logic", or "common sense", with our out of control teens can lead to disappointment, frustration, exasperation and anger. It very rarely works. In fact we have come to learn that our teenage addicts are very adept at turning our "logic" or "common sense" around and using it to manipulate us. Below is an interesting explanation of an "addict's logic" vs "our logic".
Emotional Logic
The Addictive Personality - Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior by Craig Nakken - Hazelden 1988
Addiction starts out as an emotional illusion that is entrenched in the addict before others around the addict or even the addict himself realizes that an addictive relationship has been formed.
The addict starts to build a defense system to protect the addictive belief system against attacks from others, but only after the addiction is well established on an emotional level. On a thinking intellectual level, the addict knows that an object cannot bring emotional fulfillment.
Alcoholics have heard the old saying "You can’t escape into a bottle." Workaholics know "there’s more to life than just work." Addictive spenders understand "money can’t buy happiness."
The illness of addiction begins very deep within a person, and his or her suffering takes place on an emotional level. Intimacy, positive or negative, is an emotional experience that is not logically evaluated. Addiction is an emotional relationship with an object or event, through which addicts try to meet their needs for intimacy.
When looked at in this way, the logic of addiction starts to become clear. When compulsive eaters feel sad, they eat to feel better. When alcoholics start to feel out of control with anger, they have a couple of drinks to get back in control.
Addiction is very logical and follows a logical progression, but this progression is totally based on what I call emotional logic, not intellectual logic.
A person who tries to understand addiction using intellectual logic will become frustrated and feel manipulated by the addict. This is partly why talk therapy (talking one-on-one with only a counselor and without a support group) is so ineffective in convincing addicts to end their destructive, addictive relationships.
We can sum up emotional logic in the phrase "I want what I want and I want it now." Emotional needs often feel very urgent and compulsive. Emotional logic works to satisfy this urgency even if it is not in the best interest of the person.
For example, a compulsive gambler tells himself he is done gambling for the week. Shortly, however, he has a rough day at work and feels uneasy, so he looks over his racing form to try to ease his feelings, still telling himself he won’t gamble anymore this week. While reviewing the racing form, he starts to hear his emotional logic telling him he has found a sure bet. "Why didn’t I see this before?" he says. "It’d be crazy for me to miss this opportunity!" Thus, he becomes pitted against himself ---- one side believing in his "sure thing," the other reminding him of his promise not to gamble for the rest of the week. Inside, the emotional pressure builds. Because addiction involves the deep need to have emotional needs met and emotional pressures relieved, he finally must give in to his urge, especially after he has convinced himself he would be stupid not to grab this opportunity.
Emotional logic pits the addict against himself or herself.
In the book Alcoholics Anonymous, there is a sentence that reads, "Remember that we deal with alcohol ---- cunning, baffling, powerful!"
This is also one of the most truthful ways to describe the emotional logic found in all addictions: ---- cunning, baffling, powerful.
Addiction and "Logic"
Posted by:Rocco--Tuesday, October 16, 2012
An Award-Winning Speech
Posted by:Jenn--Sunday, October 14, 2012
Click here to download the speech.
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Congratulations to our Award-Winners!!
Posted by:Jenn--Tuesday, October 02, 2012
Congratulations to all!!!! Anyone who would like to be there to cheer them on is invited to attend.
There will also be a celebration for Parents of the Year at our next meeting in Wilkinsburg on Saturday, October 6.
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Healing Grief
Posted by:Sally--Monday, October 01, 2012
I'm in a state of mind that others cannot understand. I probably would have tossed it in the garbage can except the person who gave it to me is a dear friend who recently lost her 32 year old daughter. Maybe, she does know, a little bit, what it feels like to have Cisco snatched up and forever gone from view.
When I was particularly low and did not know what to do to console myself, I read the pamphlet. It contained the basic clinical study of bereavement; Shock and Disbelief, Anger, Guilt, and Sadness and Depression.
Rocco and I are going through all of those emotions, except depression. We are fighting hard to ward that one off. There was one verse that was extraordinarily helpful: "Don't try to get around the grief. Instead, have the courage to go into it. Let your heart break. That will bring healing."
Click hear to read a related post called "Dealing with O.D. and Death"
It was thoughtful of Kathie and Lloyd to plan an additional PSST meeting for this month. We sincerely thank them and all of you who showed up (and we understand those who wanted to but couldn't make it on short notice).
It takes a load of courage to face the death of one of our children. It was very helpful to tell our story to you and we had more to tell except that I could not bear the sad looks on your faces as we spoke. It reflected our sadness back at us. I guess I was trying to get around the grief instead of going through it.
For now we will take it one day at a time, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other, knowing that you are all there beside us when we need a helping hand.
Sally
"Get rid of imagined guilt. You did the best you could at the time, all things considered. If you made mistakes, learn to accept that we are all imperfect. Only hindsight is 20-20. If you are convinced that you have real guilt, consider professional or spiritual counseling (with a competent and trustworthy counselor). If you believe in God a pastor can help you believe also in God's forgiveness." - Amy Hillyard Jensen
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Heroin's Siren Song - submitted by Wilma
Posted by:Jenn--Friday, September 21, 2012
Thanks to Wilma, who provided the link to this article, part of a series in the Pittsburgh Post Gazette.
Click here to link to the article called
Heroin's Siren Song: The effects of a child lost to addiction
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'Smiles': The New Killer Drug
Posted by:Jenn--Friday, September 21, 2012
'Smiles': The New Killer Drug Every Parent Should Know About
STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN TO YOUR TEENS
Posted by:Rocco--Friday, September 14, 2012
A NOTE TO PARENTS:
Drug Lingo - Know What to Listen for
Have you ever heard your teen reference the time "4:20?"
Many parents don’t realize that 420 (pronounced "four-twenty") is code for a time to get high.
The reference to 420 presumably dates back to '70s stoner lingo but is still widely recognized by the youth of today. Some people have even designated April 20th as "National Pot Smokers Day."
If you hear your teenager reference 420, see that he is using the term while instant messaging with friends or has a 420 sticker on his car or backpack, call them on it.
When it comes to teens and drugs you will never know everything but you don’t want them to think you are an idiot. You need to keep communication open and be aware of the dangers of the Internet and texting.
Let them know you know what they are talking and texting about and set up a time for a longer conversation about your family’s No Tolerance Policy for drug and alcohol use.
Search for drug street terminology and slang on the internet and do not be shy about checking your teens texts, tweets, Facebook and computer use.
For a start check the following sites:
iMOM.com - A Guide to Teen Drug Slang
webMD.com – Teen Drug Slang: Dictionary for Parents
uatest.com – Drug Slang Terms
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Cisco 1992 - 2012
Posted by:Rocco--Thursday, September 06, 2012
We will always have our regrets but we will always thank God for the 20 years we had with our beautiful son Cisco. He fought hard and now he is at peace and in God's hands. Our most sincere thanks for all of our good friends at PSST and their prayers and thoughts and their love.
Sally and Rocco
JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.
Just for today I will remember my child's life, not just his death, and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.
Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.
Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child, for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can help each other.
Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt, for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world I could of done to save my child from death, I would of done it.
Just for today I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child because I know that would make my own child proud.
Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent for I do know how they feel.
Just for today when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.
Just for today I will not compare myself with others. I am fortunate to be who I am and have had my child for as long as I did.
Just for today I will allow myself to be happy, for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.
Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did, my life did go on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.
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To Rocco & Sally
Posted by:Cheryl, Jim, Andy + 3 Stooges--Tuesday, September 04, 2012
Read this quote and thought instantly of you. Your gentle ways of helping us all in PSST with the knowledge you have gained through your journey with your beloved son, Cisco.
"The
first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence,
the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice,
the fifth teaching others."
Solomon Ibn Gabriol
A Complete Standing Ovation to you both from all the PSST parents you have touched at the meetings and through the website; and when you are ready, we hope for an encore! You still have so much to teach us.
Our most sincerest condolences & sympathy to you and your family,
All the PSST Parents
(cheryl, jim & andy)
In Memoriam
Posted by:Jenn--Saturday, September 01, 2012
In Memory of Cisco ~ beloved son of Rocco & Sally
Those
we love and lose are always connected by heartstrings into infinity. - Terri
Guillemets
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The PSST Support Group is now on Yahoo!
Posted by:Jenn--Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Join the Parent Survival Skills Training support group
on YAHOO Groups & start your conversation today!!
If you've ever come to a PSST meeting, then you know that it is an
invaluable resource for parents who are looking for help with their out-of-control
teen. PSST goes beyond the typical support group and offers role plays and
advice from the Dream Team of Lloyd, Kathie, Justin and various other
professionals who give up their Saturday mornings to attend. If you attend, you
also know that PSST is a place where every other parent knows, to some extent,
what you are going through and is there to offer support without judgment.
What if:
· The support and advice you find at the PSST meetings were available 24/7?· You could post a question to the other parents or professionals, ask for advice, or simply connect with others who understand what you are going through?
· There was a way to have a virtual meeting during the "off" weeks when there is no real meeting?
I guess you know where I am going with this. The Yahoo
"Parent Survival Skills Training" group is that place. It's easy to
join and closed to anyone outside the group, so your family's anonymity is
protected.
It's easy to join:
·
Sign up for a Yahoo account
· Click on "Groups"
· Type in "Parent Survival Skills Training" in the search box. You will see the PSST logo. Click on that group and click "join". The administrator will add you to the group.OR . . . just enter your email address below and click on the Yahoo Groups widget!
We hope to see you there!
Brigitte
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Brigitte
FROM THE PITTSBURGH TRIBUNE REVIEW 7-31-2012 Contributed by Wilma
Posted by:Sally--Wednesday, August 01, 2012
FROM THE PITTSBURGH TRIBUNE REVIEW 07-31-2012
Summer is Peak Time for Substance Abuse
Parents, watch out: Your kids ages 12 to 17 are more likely to start abusing substances during the summer than at other times of the year, according to a report from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.
On an average day in June or July, the report said, more than 11,000 adolescents use alcohol for the first time, with December being the only comparable month. During the rest of the year, 5,000 to 8,000 adolescents drink for the first time.
The pattern is the same with cigarettes, with about 5,000 youths smoking for the first time in June and July, compared with 3,000 to 4,000 the rest of the year.
It’s also the same with marijuana, which more than 4,500 youths start using on an average day in June and July, compared with 3,000 to 4,000 the rest of the year.
Experts say that the free time of summer, which often includes less adult supervision, leads to the increase in substance use. Administration officials recommend that parents talk to their kids about the dangers of substances. — Staff and wire reports
PSST Role Play: "Whose Problem Is It?"
Posted by:Cheryl, Jim, Andy + 3 Stooges--Monday, July 23, 2012
PSST meetings are so very helpful, not just for learning techniques and
skills in working with your teens in a non-combative and non-physical
way - but for helping the parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and
guardians learn to cope with the constantly changing scenarios these
teens go through.
The incident occurred while I was on vacation with family and Jim only told me over the phone after I had asked a direct question regarding Andy. We all know that feeling of our hearts moving from our chest to the new position - at our feet on the floor - when we hear disappointing news about our children. Addicts or not!
Jim & I chose not to visit Andy in the Juvenile Detention Center. He needed to sit and reflect on his actions and life track he has forged since 2009.
I was dead set on not visiting Andy at his new facility for a few weeks until I had the title role in the PSST Role Play session. After going back and forth with Andy (wonderfully played by Lloyd) regarding who, what, when, where and why this recent incident occurred and where were all the coping skills he has learned in the placements he has been in since 2009. I realized - I WAS THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM! I am sick and tired of learning the new rules, levels, steps of placements, visiting time and days, phone privileges, etc. I just don't want to do this anymore; Andy please fix yourself and let us all go on with our lives.
Impossible! Andy cannot fix himself; if he could I am sure he would have done it by now. NO ONE wants to be an addict or have a mental disorder. Andy is very comfortable and happy at his new residence and is always upbeat and pleasant during our phone calls and visits.
Andy is doing just fine! I am the one with the problem...hmmmm...who is the adult here? The role play helped me put my anger and disappointment aside and be the parent Andy needs me to be. Jim & I are all he has. We ALL came to the conclusion last year that we would no longer go toe-to-toe with the dual disorder behavior and resulting legal actions. The three of us will stand beside each other through our life struggles.
I went with Jim the next day to visit Andy and I am so happy I did. I got to tell Andy exactly how I was feeling and that I wasn't going to visit him until I was an active participant in a role play and realized that I was the one with the problem regarding his new residence. Our visit was very nice and the three of us got to talk about some very important issues.
Plan to attend any of the meetings and see for yourself the brainstorming and role playing that takes place each week - The next meeting is Saturday - August 4th at the Juvenile Probation Office in Wilkensburg. ALL ARE WELCOME!
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TOUGH DECISIONS
Posted by:Rocco--Wednesday, July 11, 2012
I am a recovering woman with 21+ years clean. My family, out of desperation, love, and fear, "protected" (read enabled) me and my addiction for many years. I, of course, was infuriated when my parents finally told me I was on my own, to live or die as I chose, but that they were going to have a life free from the chaos and drama of my disease.
"How could they do that to me if they loved me?" I thought.
I faced reality for the first time, and recognized I was in trouble. As long as they paid my rent and phone bills, bought me food and expensive treatment programs, I never had to see how my life had deteriorated.
I honor my parents for doing what must have been excruciatingly painful and sad ~ separating from my disease, and choosing to get healthy themselves. They provided a beautiful model of how to deal with a grave problem, and, when I was finally ready, I followed their example, and began to get better.
I celebrate, with enormous gratitude, my daily reprieve from the horrors of active addiction into the gorgeous light of freedom.
In loving service ~ Meredith D. ~ Clean date 03.15.91
Condensed from FAMILIES FACING ADDICTION Blog
ARE YOU SICK AND TIRED OF THE CHAOS AND CONFUSION OF YOUR CODEPENDENCY?
PLEASE COME TO OUR NEXT PSST MEETING AND LEARN TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENABLING BEHAVIORS SO THAT YOU CAN HELP YOUR CHILD TO RECEIVE THE TREATMENT THAT THEY NEED.
THERE IS NO COST AND NO OBLIGATION AND NOTHING TO LOSE BUT THE INSANITY IN YOUR HOME.
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