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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Cartman's mother admits that she can't control Cartman. Delightful comedy. Obviously, there is obscene language in this so don't play it in front of children.
This episode has Nanny 911, Super Nanny and The Dog Whisperer.
South Park "TSST"
Disclaimer: While there may some truths about parenting and enabling (or else why would I post it?), PSST is not recommending that anyone follow this approach. As the heading says, this is just for fun.
We have no connection to South Park Studios.com. We are simply providing one picture and one link in hopes that viewers will view this video from it's place of origin, i.e., South Park Studios. If South Park Studios or other owners of this video do not want this graphic picture of Cartman and his mom on our blog, of course we will remove it. We have provided this graphic not for financial gain but only so that we can comment on it.
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Letter from Jail
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Originally Posted by:Ken Sutton -- Sunday, February 25, 2007
Re-posted due to update: see comment #6
This is a letter from jail written by the son of a friend. The letter was written over a year ago to someone he does not know but who is having similar challenges. He is out of jail now and doing well. They have both been gracious enough to share this letter thinking it may help someone else.
The letter is a scanned copy of the original. Click each page to make it bigger then use your web browser screen controls to scroll to read it as needed.
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The Alliance Against Drugs is having a two day training entitled "Drug Impairment Training for Education Professionals." I'm not sure as of this writing where the two day conference is being held, but I will update this post with that information as soon as I receive it. Debbie Kehoe, Executive Director has indicated that she will have booths outside the training for the two day period. There is no cost for the booth.
If anyone is interested please send me email at lloyd.woodward@alleghenycourts.us
Type rest of the post here
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 "WELCOME TO THE PSST ZONE" -- RECAP OCT 8 PSST MEETING IN WEXFORD
This week’s PSST Meeting was held in Wexford. We had the expertise of Lloyd and Julie of Allegheny Juvenile Probation and Kathie T and Justin of Wesley-Spectrum.
There was also another great turnout of of 17 concerned parents, some regulars, some returning alum and some new parents.
EDITOR'S DISCLAIMER: This is an attempt to summarize our latest PSST meeting. We don’t always have the chance to get it done quickly and we sometimes cannot read Rocco’s handwriting [or even imagine what it was he was trying to write] so, Please feel free to edit, elucidate, correct, amend or add to our summary as required in the comment section below. We will not be offended.
Wilma did a super job at keeping us focused as our group leader this week.
ANNOUNCEMENTS
- We had an opportunity to congratulate Daisy as "2011 Allegheny County Juvenile Probation Parent of the Year"
- Lloyd is looking for volunteers for a PSST Booth at an upcoming Alliance Against Drugs Training program scheduled for Oct 19-20 (Wednesday-Thursday) 8:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. at A.W. Career Center, 9600 Babcock Blvd, Allison Park, PA 15101 - Lloyd will post more information on the blog.
- Wilma reminded us about the live workshop on Oppositional Defiant and Anger Issues in Children and Adolescents at the Embassy Suites at the Airport on November 11, 2011. CLICK HERE if you wish to look at the information online.
- DO YOU NEED SOME MORE PARENTAL SUPPORT? ~ "S.O.S. FAMILIES ANONYMOUS GROUP" Squirrel Hill meets Every Tuesday night from 6:00 - 7:30PM
NO Fees - NO last names used - NO forms to fill out ~ NO formal sign-up
NO saying “I’m Sorry”
Families Anonymous is a group of concerned parents, relatives and friends whose lives have been adversely affected by a loved one's addiction to alcohol or drugs.
~ Like PSST, there is no cost and no commitment to attend Families Anonymous
LET’S TALK - because of the large turnout we went around to do short introductions so we could get back to those with more to discuss.
Wilma's son Bam Bam completed his IRF this summer but was not ready to buy into his recovery. Mary worked her best PSST skills to get Bam Bam into a Mental Health Facility. She reported that Bam is doing okay.
Tess’ 18 year old son Linus is doing okay and is adjusting to a 1/2 way house before returning home. She said that they were just informed that Linus has more charges pending.
Remember we here at PSST are here to support you through this Tess. Feel free to reach out to us as you need to.
Rose has an 18 year old son, Joe that completed his High School Diploma while in his Inpatient Recovery Facility (IRF) this spring. Joe's drug of choice is "robo-tripping" [using over the counter cough/cold medications in combinations that produce a high] and he had not lived at home with Rose for over a year. When he completed his IRF this June he left town to be with his dad and try a job in North Carolina. He did okay with the work and saved a nice amount of money over the summer. He stayed clean but lost the job. He decided to return to Rose's house last week. Before the week was over he had ordered "legal" artificial drugs over the internet [labeled "Not for Human Consumption" of course] and relapsed.
*More on this later in this post*
Jessica's son Herman, 18, has been through a couple of Inpatient Recovery Programs and a halfway house but is not ready to accept his recovery and now is in another Inpatient Recovery Program. If Herman really wants to come home [and he says he does] then he is going to need to learn how to assimilate with his family. He will need to live by rules that Jessica and Roger never thought they would need to have in their house but then they didn't know what it was to be parents of an addict.
If Herman is not ready to live by their regulations then he may need to start working on a plan to live independently on his own. They will visit Herman this weekend.
Jessica and Roger now know that they hold the power. They now feel comfortable disagreeing with counselors and other "experts".
Jessica, you and Roger have been through the whole spectrum of recovery in a little less than one year and you guys are doing well and appear to be taking good care of yourselves and your family. Thanks so much for being part of PSST and being there for others.
Joan's daughter Melissa, 20, drug of choice is opiates. She is currently in an inpatient Recovery Program and is clean for 5 months. Melissa has not been home for the last 10 months has indicated that she wants to rebuild her relationship with the family. Joan understands, intellectually, that this reconciliation will need to be carefully laid out and planned and worked on but her heart tells her to hurry up.
Joan realizes that Melissa probably cannot come back home and will need to work on "personal responsibility" and learn how to support herself independently.
For today Joan is "cautiously optimistic."
Daisy has a 16 year old son Ozzie. Daisy is a single mom and an inspiration to us at PSST for how she has turned her own life around. Ozzie is another teen who did not accept his recovery and is in his third IRF. Daisy told us that she has had some good family sessions with Ozzie but that his anger seems to be resurfacing.
This might be because when the therapists and counselors ask Daisy if she could give in a little and maybe compromise a little; she firmly tells them "No I am not comfortable compromising, but ask me again if you need too." She knows that she never wants to go back to the way things were.
Thanks for being a big part of PSST Daisy and one more time, Congratulations on being named 2011 Parent of the Year.
Emily has a 16 year old son, Jerry. Jerry recently was assigned probation has been in an IRF for almost three months. He is almost ready to complete his program but Emily is not sure if Jerry is ready to accept his recovery or to come home yet.
Lloyd said he will work with her to review this and help determine where Jerry stands at this time.
Jenn has a son, Dylan, 15, has been in an IRF for about 5 months. Dylan is coming along well in his recovery but is still having some anger issues. Because of this he has missed out on his 3rd home pass. He is having an issue with following rules. On the good side he is not complaining that someone else is to blame for him missing his pass or making him angry. He is taking responsibility his mistakes.
Thanks to Jenn and Brad for their contribution to PSST and for being a good example of moving on with their lives. Hope that Brad had a good time taking some time off on a beautiful Satuday like we had.
Sally and Rocco's 19 year old son Cisco is currently in an adult 1/2 way house and is doing very well in his recovery and working towards finding a life skill so that he can eventually live on his own.
Cisco had an interview for a job last week and indications are that will get it. This is a good thing in itself and is something that we have been working towards. It does not act as a trigger to us [since Cisco never really had a steady job] but it does wave a couple of red flags in front of Rocco and Sally.
The little angel on our right shoulder is telling us "Cisco will handle the job, learn how to budget his money well, buy his car and mature with the responsibility and take another clean and sober step towards his independence. Everything will be just fine. Remember this is exactly what you wanted."
The little devil on our left shoulder is screaming at us "OMG!! Cisco will blow his money, on clothes, on cigarettes, on fast food and he will be tempted to spend his money on drugs and alcohol!!!" That little devil is also warning us that Cisco will come back home and 2 weeks later he will either quit his job or get fired and we will have him back home with no job and no ambition to find one and relapsing! "Are you guys crazy?!"
The reality, of course, is somewhere in between.
But there are a lot of issues that have popped up quickly and we both need to heed Jerry's advice and take a deep breath, take a step back and move slowly. Because Cisco brings up coming home NOW doesn't mean we need to make a decision NOW.
We have scheduled a meeting with Cisco and Jerry for Wednesday to discuss and plan where we go from here. One day at a time.
Brigitte's 17 year old son Pierre has been home from his IRF for almost 2 months and has had some issues. He is doing well in school, he is keeping his room clean and has a good attitude. Brigitte and Francois are feeling better about where he is but it will take time for the family to heal and for Pierre to regain their trust. Addiction is a family disease and each member needs to work on their own recovery.
Violet has a son, Sal, about to turn 20. Sal has been through a few Inpatient Recovery Programs. He is currently attending his second year of college and is doing well both in school and in his recovery.
Violet is working on her recovery. Like so many of us she knows in her head where she should be but is not quite there in her heart. She feels like she may never get to the point where she will be able to trust Sal, like she is waiting for the other shoe to drop. It all takes time.
At first we just want our child to get some help and to have a few months of clean time. Then we are looking for a major change in attitude. Then we are looking for them to begin to think about their own future and all along the way they have their ups and downs, Relapse and more recovery. We wish it could all just end but it takes time. We still have our child and we have some order in our homes and our lives. It is more than we could imagine a year or two ago.
As we noted before, lets look for progress, not perfection in our own recovery and our child's recovery.
Kitty has two sons, Carlyle, 18, and his older brother Cat, 23, who was home for about 2 months from a recovery facility before relapsing. Kitty told him that he needs to check himself in to another recovery program and that he can not live at home while he is using. Kitty heard that he was living in a garage in the neighborhood and sure enough when she checked she found him sleeping in her garage. She will not enable him but she is letting him keep his phone so that she can stay in touch with him. Kitty knows that there is not much that you can do to force your adult son into his recovery but she is checking all of her options and open to suggestions.
Her younger son, Carlyle, is clean and doing well and had his hearing and is off of his home monitor. He is still on 5 months of "Observation." He seems to be on the right track and is looking for a job. He plans to register for the spring semester at Community College.
Vera has a 16 year old son Tommy. Tommy is currently in an Inpatient Recovery Facility (IRF). He has a 12 hour home pass last weekend and Vera said he did well. He wanted to go to an N/A meeting and to do some shopping and to spend some tim eat home to see his sister. Vera explained to him that there would be no friends, that his was a visit to reconnect with his family and he was okay with that. He thinks that he will be ready to be released after 45 day in his inpatient program but Vera wants him to stay for the full 90 days.
At first most of our kids visualize their Inpatient Recovery Program more as a jail sentence [especially if they are court ordered into the program]. instead of accepting and working on their recovery they count the days they are there. If anyone even mentions to them that it is possible to be released in 30 or 45 days that is all they can think of. It is like "Hey, I've done my time. I am getting off early for good behavior. My counselor told me."
Having been in this situation, during Cisco's first placement, Sally and I can relate to the panic and confusion that you feel with the idea of them coming home before they are ready. We had endless conversations explaining to our son that it was not about "time" it was about his accepting and working on his recovery. This took a while to sink in for him and still pops up once in a while.
Unfortunately some counselors do bring up the subject of an early release and parents need to be prepared to tell them and their child that they are "Not Comfortable with that decision". A suggestion that worked for us was to tell Cisco that if he and his counselor insisted on his early release then he would need to be released into a 1/2 way home for 3 to 6 months because, again, we are "Not Comfortable" with him coming directly home and will not accept him. Cisco was more than happy to complete his 90 days after that.
Another determining factor here, unfortunately, is that many times our totally callous and perfunctory health insurance industry [better known as our Health Insurance Denier]. The reality is that many times our health insurance will just outright deny payment for our children's recovery.
Maria, one of our PSST Alumna Moms, returned to tell us that her 20 year old son, Bert, is now 2 years clean and doing well. He is living with his dad and working. Unfortunately he does not communicate all that much with his Maria. But she can accept that his being alive and clean is the most important thing at this time.
This is a regrettable situation with some of our children in recovery. In order for them to work their recovery successfully they need to almost completely detach from their parents and family for a time.
Thanks you so much for visiting with us at PSST Maria, it is always good to see you and encouraging to hear about one of our children making it in their recovery.
New to PSST is Maddie and her mom, Agnes. Maddie has two sons Davey, 17, and Herb ,16 and they live with Agnes and her husband.
Davey began using around age 14 and has progressed from marijuana and alcohol to opiates and any other drugs he could get hold of. Maddie used ACT 53 to get Davey into an Inpatient Recovery Program which he successfully completed. He did well enough that his ACT 53 was closed in late summer of 2010.
Since that time Davey's drug abuse increased, as well as poor school attendence, his disregard of rules and his anger problem. All of these issues are tied closely together and a lot of us at PSST have experienced them with our teenage addicts.
Davey spent the first 3 months of this year in another Inpatient Recovery Program and was released with an in-home intensive outpatient program. He has totally disregarded his program, and gone back to his same friends and old habits. His in-home program discharged him with the recommendation to use ACT 53 and to file charges to get him onto juvenile probation.
Davey has a hearing for this at the end of this month and Maddie and Agnes are both concerned about 1.) telling him that he has a hearing and 2.) getting him to his hearing.
Her younger son Herb continues to use marijuana despite all of the trouble he has witnessed with his older brother's drug use. He also has a hearing coming up.
You certainly have your hands full Maddie but you certainly are a pro-active parent and hopefully with the support of PSST things will begin to work better for you and your parents in the near future. Thanks for attending the meeting and please continue with PSST. We all have had very similar experiences and are here to support and encourage you in your family's recovery.
STAY TUNED – THE PSST ZONE WILL BE CONTINUED
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 DAISY NAMED AS 2011 ALLEGHENY COUNTY PARENT OF THE YEAR
Once again, a parent from PSST was named Allegheny County Juvenile Probation Parent of the Year. The award was presented to Daisy on October 6th at the Juvenile Justice Week's Awards Night.
She was nominated by numerous people including her fellow PSST Parents.
She earned the award for continued acts of bravery, excellent command of PSST skills, for showing a lot of growth, for reaching out to other parents and for saving her son's life.
Click on READ MORE to read Daisy's Acceptance Speech.
"Thank you so much for this award.
I would like to thank each and every person that is a part of PSST. Without them, I would not have the strength to stand here today.
I am the single mother of a 16 year old son, who is currently in his third placement, over the past year. His father died of a drug/alcohol overdose when he was five years old.
Up until high school, my son was a straight-A student and a great athlete. His first year of high school, I noticed a drastic change in his behavior. His grades dropped to the point of almost failing. He lost all interest in sports. He became disrespectful, angry, and even violent.
Everyone kept asking me if I thought he was involved in drugs – what else could explain this change in him?
I, of course, did not believe that was possible. After all -- I had been there for him and I had been a good mother. I taught him that drugs were wrong.
His anger escalated to the point that he broke my bedroom door down to where there was not one shred of wood left.
I became terrified of him and he knew it. He was half my size and had gained complete control.
I completely isolated myself from everyone, even my sister, the person I was closest to.
 I was too ashamed to discuss the situation with anyone. I felt like a failure as a mother and was a prisoner in my own home.
Then one day, a friend, a PSST Parent, invited me to go to a meeting. That was the turning point for me.
Listening to everyone else, all people who seemed like good parents, sharing their stories that were so similar to mine, made me realize that I was not alone in this fight.
I began attending PSST meetings regularly and have gained more strength than I ever thought possible.
I have received so much support and help through the professionals and parents.
Someone gave an example of how, when you are on an airplane, you are told in case of an emergency to put the oxygen mask on yourself first so that you can help others.
I have learned that in order to help my son, I have to first help myself and that is what I have begun to do with the help and support of PSST.
Without PSST and without my faith, I would not have been able to do that.
Because of the changes in me, I am now beginning to see positive changes in my son.
I just want to say in closing that I am so grateful to Val Ketter and Lloyd Woodward of Juvenile Probation and Kathie Tagmyer of Wesley Spectrum for their DEDICATION and for the PASSION they have for our kids.
I am also so grateful to my sister, who has been there for me through it all. And my closest friend, Max, who spent countless hours listening to me cry and always knew just what to say.
Thank you very much." 
PSST parents know that if their teen is using bath salts, s/he has not started on a new cleanliness craze! Thanks to Jane for sharing the following two articles – click on the links to download the articles as Word documents.
Bath Salts: An 'Ivory Wave' Epidemic? Click Here to Download Word Document
What are "bath salts?" How are they abused and what are the potential consequences of abuse?
DEA Moves to Make 'Bath Salts' Illegal as Overdoses Rise
Click Here to Download Word Document
"The physical effects of PABS include tachycardia, hypertension, arrhythmias, hyperthermia, seizures, stroke, myocardial infarction, and even death. Behavioral and mental effects include panic attacks, anxiety, paranoia, hallucinations, psychosis, aggressive or violent behavior (such as self-mutilation, suicide attempts, and homicidal activity), insomnia, anorexia, and depression."
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This school adopted a policy that required students and parents to be resonsible for thier children's abscenses and missing homework. As a result many parents sued the school demanding passing grades for their children no matter how many days of school they missed. As a result the teachers from this school voted to put this actual ougoing message on their school's answering machine, I suppose to send a message to the "enabling parents."
It's pretty funny. Thanks Daisy for this contribution.
Type rest of the post here
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In preparing for our first visit with Andy at his new facility; I am attempting to 'let go' of the ANGER within me so that our first visit will be a productive one. Difficult, as I seem to regress to past chapters in our life with him and not focus on the current under construction chapter.
I need to learn to pick my battles; as the worst in me is always peeking around the corner, ready to enter the room. What is causing my teen to disregard laws & respect of others property?
While searching the skies for help I came across Dr. Orloff's 7 points on communication that might help other parents struggling with knee-jerk reactions when sitting down with your teens; whether in placement or at home.
Judith Orloff, MD writes: "The key to addressing anger is compassionate communication. I'm defining this as an information exchange for the greater good that involves both expressing yourself and empathically listening to another. Then a relationship has the possibility of transformational bonding--the ability to grow deeper as a result of communicating well--rather than pulling away or silencing angry feelings. Of course, it's wise to pick your battles. You don't want to die on just any hill. But once you've determined an issue is worth addressing, the following exercise will yield the best results. Here are seven rules for compassionate communication: - Calmly express your feelings.
- Be specific about why you're angry; stick to one issue.
- Request a small, doable change that could meet your need. Clarify how it will benefit your relationship.
- Listen non-defensively to another's position; don't interrupt.
- Empathize with the person's feelings. Ask yourself: What pain or shortcoming is causing someone to act so angrily, to behave in a manner that doesn't meet my (our family) needs? Take some quiet moments to intuitively sense where the person's heart is hurting or closed. Then compassion will come more easily.
- Work out a compromise or resolution. Don't stay attached to simply being "right."
- If a person is unwilling to change, you can either accept the situation as-is and try to emotionally detach from it or limit contact.
While communicating, always speak to the best in people, to their intelligence, integrity, or intuition. This will bring out the best in you too. The worst in us is waiting to emerge, but don't go for it. Refrain from getting curt, condescending, or mean; it'll backfire. (Any waitress can vouch for the horrors of what happens to a rude customer's food, including being spit into.) Avoid generalizing, becoming vague, or asking for too much. Stay cool: Don't explode or issue ultimatums before attempting to find common ground. Compassionate communication is a holy exchange, a meeting of hearts that overrides the fascism of malice.
I can only hope Andy has a lot of compassionate communication while meeting with his parents.
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The most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed.
--Sebastien R. N. Chamfort
When we first started going to Twelve Step meetings we were often stunned to hear so much laughter. But we soon learned that a good hearty laugh or a joyful smile is as important to our recovery as all the serious issues we explore.
Learning to laugh is part of our growth. It recognizes our shared experiences and helps us feel closer to one another. It also reminds us we are able to smile again, and that a better perspective on life is returning.
We only have today to live, and we are getting better today, so why not smile and enjoy it? Why not open ourselves up to a good laugh and let it push our pain or sorrow out? Now that we are once again choosing how we feel, we have the power to opt for joy.
Today I am grateful for my ability to laugh and share laughter and fun.
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 "WELCOME TO THE PSST ZONE" -- OCT 1 PSST MEETING IN WILKINSBURG SUMMARY
This week’s PSST Meeting was held in Wilkinsburg. We had the expertise of Val of Allegheny Juvenile Probation and Kathie T, Jocelyn and Michelle of Wesley-Spectrum. Lloyd called in sick [hope you're feeling better]. We also had the pleasure of welcoming Julie an intern for Juvenile Probation form Cal U.
Visiting this week was April Wateska a counselor from Phoenix Rising. Thanks for attending April, we appreciate your input and hope to see you again.
There was also an overflow crowd of understanding and compassion with the presence of 26 concerned parents, some regulars, some returning alum and some new parents.
Many of us were here to celebrate the Allegheny County Juvenile Probation Parent of the Year announcement [more on that later].
EDITOR'S DISCLAIMER: This is an attempt to summarize our latest PSST meeting. We don’t always have the chance to get it done quickly and we sometimes cannot read Rocco’s handwriting [or even imagine what it was he was trying to write] so, Please feel free to edit, elucidate, correct, amend or add to our summary as required in the comment section below. We will not be offended.
Max did an excellent job at keeping the meeting on track as our group leader this week.
ANNOUNCEMENTS
- Val invited everyone interested to visit the Juvenile Justice Week Open House on Wednesday Oct 5 and to the Awards Ceremony on Thursday, Oct 6 at 6:00 p.m. The celebration will take place in the 2nd floor waiting area of the Juvenile Court [use the Ross Street entrance]. This is when the Parent of the Year Award will be presented to one of our outstanding PSST Parents for acts of bravery, excellent command of PSST skills, for showing a lot of growth, and for reaching out to other parents --- click on Allegheny County Juvenile Probation Parent-of-the-Year to read more.
- Wilma reminded us about the live workshop on Oppositional Defiant and Anger Issues in Children and Adolescents at the Embassy Suites at the Airport on November 11, 2011. CLICK HERE if you wish to look at the information online.
- Max encouraged anyone that needs more support to attend the S.0.S. Chapter of Families Anonymous. They meet on Tuesday evenings from 6:00 p.m. until 7:30 p.m. at Gateway Squirrel Hill. (Forbes Ave.) This twelve-step program focuses on helping parents become less co-dependent. All are welcome to attend these helpful meetings. Once again there is No Cost and No Commitment.
LET’S TALK - because of the large turnout we went around to do short introductions so we could get back to those with more to discuss.
Max began by telling us that her sons Michael and David are doing well. Michael, 19, is doing well in his recovery and is working his way towards having his own place to live.
Kitty also has two sons, Carlyle and his older brother Cat, a heroin addict that recently relapsed. Kitty told him that he could no longer live at home. More on this later.
Vera has been with PSST for a month. Her 16 year old son Tommy is a friend of Kitty's son Carlyle. Tommy is currently in an Inpatient Recovery Facility (IRF) and is an angry teen. He has a pass this weekend and Vera is concerned about how it will go. Vera says he has had problems for about two years. She doesn't understand why he acts the way he does, she wants to help him and save his life. Like most of our kids at this stage Tommy doesn't think he needs any help and is not accepting his recovery and is blaming everyone else especially his mom.
Thanks for coming to PSST Vera; please keep coming to our meetings, we are here to support you.
Tess and Danny’s 18 year old son Linus has been in an Inpatient Recovery Facility (IRF) since July and has over 60 days of clean time. He is doing okay and will be going to a 1/2 way house before returning home.
Olivia and John, Parents of the Year 2009, returned for a visit and to help us celebrate the 2011 Parent of the Year. Their son, Jarred is about to turn 21, has a job, his own place and is doing very well. Thanks for returning guys. It was great to see you and helps our current parents to see that there is hope.
Cheryl and Jim have an son, 18, Andy who just experience what the Adult Justice System is all about. He spent 5 weeks in the county jail. Val and Lloyd worked with Cheryl and Jim to get him back into the juvenile system and after a brief stay at Shuman Andy is in a IRF. As Jim noted they will not bail Andy out of his trouble but they will continue to get him whatever help he needs to work on his recovery.
Ruth is a single mom and relatively new to PSST. Her son Bo, 13, is in a IRF and is clean for 6 months. Please keep coming to PSST Ruth ans keep on praying. The combination can be a powerful tool.
Jenn and Brad have a son, Dylan currently in an IRF. They have been with us at PSST for about 10 months now and have become a good example of how to turn your life back to normal. Dylan is coming along well in his recovery.
Violet has a 19 year old son, Sal. Sal has been through a few IRF's and is currently attending his second year of college. Violet has stood up in court and stood up to counselors and to anyone that she didn't necessarily agree with to make sure her son received the best care that he could. Violet is our PSST Poster Mom for NOT being "Pathologically Compliant to Authority Figures".
Kathy is new to PSST. Her 18 year old son Cody is 5 months clean from heroin usage. he is attending meetings regularly and was proud to be given the key to his home group. Please keep coming to PSST Kathy, we will do what we can to support you.
Brigitte and Francois’ 17 year old son Pierre has been home from his IRF for 5 weeks and has had some issues. Never the Less, some alert actions by Brigitte has helped to get him to where he needs to be. He is doing well this week.
Becky's son Syd completed his IRF came home and relapsed and is in another IRF. This is very common. Our teens usually don't volunteer to go into their first inpatient program and it sometimes takes a few more times before the accept their recovery. Becky and Tom understand this and are handling it well.
Sally and Rocco's 19 year old son Cisco is currently in an adult 1/2 way house and is doing very well in his recovery and working towards finding a life skill so that he can eventually live on his own. He has a very good 6-step plan laid out and had a minor infraction this week. Because of this he did not get his weekend pass but was able to accept it and deal with it very maturely. Something that even a year ago he would not have been able to do.
Wilma's son Bam Bam completed his IRF this summer but was not ready to buy into his recovery. To make it tougher his dad, Fred, was acting as his prime enabler. Mary was shocked, but happy, when she received a recent call from Fred saying that he had had enough and had called the police on Bam Bam. Mary worked her best PSST skills to get Bam Bam into a Mental Health Facility. She let everyone know clearly that she while she understands that her son is allowed to sign himself out of the facility that she will not allow him to return home.
Jane another of our PSST Strong Moms has been with us for almost one year now. I remember meeting Jane at our informal "between the meetings" meeting at Crazy Mocha last October. Her son Elroy was out of control and about to turn 18. She wanted to get him into the juvenile system to get him into his recovery. Like Wilma, Jane had to do this with very little to no cooperation from her husband. Elroy also went through an IRF and a 1/2 way house but was not ready to work on his recovery. He is now back into a second IRF for the last month.
Jennifer's son Maxwell, 18, is currently in an IRF and has worked his way past the 1st phase. He is getting his first home visit since May and is hoping to reunite with his family.
Emily has a 16 year old son, Jerry. Jerry recently was assigned probation has been in an IRF for about one month. Emily is not sure if Jerry is ready to accept his recovery yet but he has his first home pass this weekend.
George and Gracie have a 19 year old son Ronnie. He relapsed this summer and checked himself into a recovery facility. He is attending 4 NA Meetings and a counseling session weekly. They feel he is doing okay but needs to stay focused. Their concern now is that Ronnie has got a job and will have more money to handle. They are Cautiously Optimistic.
Daisy has a 16 year old son Ozzie. Daisy is a single mom and an inspiration to us at PSST for how she has turned her own life around, helped her son in his recovery and reached out to so many of us here. Ozzie is another teen who did not accept his recovery and is in his second IRF. Daisy told us that she had her first good family session with Ozzie last week and is looking forward to another one this weekend.
LET'S TALK SOME MORE
Following a break for some celebratory cake for the 2011 Allegheny County Juvenile Probation Parent of the Year we reconvened for some more talk for those parents that needed it.
Kitty's older son, Cat, a heroin addict, has been clean for most of the year and was home for about 2 months before relapsing. Cat told him that he needs to check himself in to a recovery program and that he can not live at home while he is using. When she presented all of the evidence she found at home he basically went off blaming Kitty for everything from his using to his latest relapse. At this point he is not accepting help and she is not sure where he is.
Her younger son Carlyle sort of took her to task. He told her that Cat had been using in the house and that she needs to do something with him. He said that it is not good for his own recovery to have his older brother using at home. He asked her if she could ACT 53 him or something.
As much as Kitty would love to be able to do something; once our children are over 18 there is little that we can do to "make them" get help. They are legally adults and can check themselves into and out of programs. We can only be there to help them if they ask for our help.
Carlyle is doing well and has a hearing next week to determine if he can get off of home detention.
You know, looking at Kitty at the PSST meetings you wouldn't know that such a petite woman has such big shoulders...
...thanks so much for being part of PSST, thanks for the flowers and thanks for helping us. We will continue do what we can to support you.
Wilma is another lady with big shoulders. Until just recently she was pretty much carrying on the fight to help her son's recovery with no support from her husband, Fred. Fred finally had enough and called the police on their 14 year old son Bam-Bam. This has resulted in Bam-Bam entering a Mental Health facility.
Wilma is pursuing an ACT 53 hearing to get Bam Bam additional help. Bam like many of our kids has been making a case for himself. Since coming out of Inpatient Recovery he has refused drug testing, he will not go to meetings and he has stopped therapy.
Wilma mentioned that he had a text on his cell phone from someone asking for the money that he owed them. When asked why Bam still has a cell phone she told about how his counselor "suggested" that he should be able to "earn" his cell phone back and how Wilma should sit down with Bam's "friends" and get to know them.
Wilma now understands that a cell phone is not a good thing for teenage addicts and she has always known that Bam's "friends" are not good for him; Never-the-Less, when a counselor "suggest" these kind of things our teen addicts only hear "I am allowed to have a cell phone, my counselor said so!" and "What do you mean I need to stay away from my friends, my counselor said I can hang out with them!"
 As we have mentioned before one of the first new skills that parents of teen addicts need to work on is NOT to be "Pathologically Compliant to Authority Figures". This is one of those things that we all need to learn to unlearn.
As Val K suggested we know our kids better than anyone and if a counselor "suggest" something that doesn't sound right to you, do not hesitate to let them know that you "are NOT comfortable with that!"
But with the counselor's suggesting and no support from Fred, Wilma was left to carry on the struggle pretty much on her own.
You have done well Wilma and hopefully with Fred on your side you will be able to do a lot more. Thanks for being a big part of PSST.
Violet is going through a phase of recovery similar to the one that Sally and I find ourselves in. Our sons have been though several years of their own recovery and have had ups and downs but they appear to be ready to move on in their lives.
 We realize we "need to detach", we understand "how to detach" but we don't know "how to let go" of our fears, our own anger, out mistrust...
...as others said, our inner voice says trust him "but" then maybe if we prepare for the worst we won't be hurt as much if he falls, kind of like a post traumatic syndrome for recovering parents. We will heal but there will be scars that no amount of plastic surgery will ever fix.
Like all recovery processes, healing takes time. Healing is a long gradual process and our goal is progress, not perfection. Take your time Violet, make a little progress one day at a time.
Jim and Cheryl are also experiencing what others have. Addiction is a family disease. Their older son, Kyle, has asked them to choose him or Andy. He fears that they are being overly manipulated by Andy.
Fear and anger are two very big parts of codependency and very tough to get over.
Jim and Cheryl of course cannot and will not "choose" to abandon or keep either son. It will again take time to heal these relationships. They will talk to Kyle's heart and not his head. They will try to encourage him to detach from his fear and his anger and show him that they are okay themselves.
Jim and Cheryl, you guys have shown us how well you can reach out to others and especially to your sons. Like everything else healing the family will take time. As I noted above look for progress and not perfection. We here at PSST will be here to encourage and support you two."
STAY TUNED – THE PSST ZONE WILL BE CONTINUED
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Parents have a secret weapon that is fairly easy to use, free, and parents have almost unlimited amounts. It isn't a silver bullet. It won't solve a lot problems by itself; however, it will give you the edge. Using this technique liberally, along with the other parenting skills could actually effect a change in your teenager.
The reason why is that this secret weapon is all about relationship building. Hit "read more" to see if you've guessed what skill this is.
Physical contact. You might call this one the Vitamin Skill because like a vitamin, it won't cure you of a disease but taken regularly it can help you fight off diseases or heal yourself faster.
When you first meet someone you know that except to shake their hand it's not really appropriate to hug, put your arm around them or even to take their hand outside of a shake. Why? Because when you first meet someone you know that you don't know them that well. Having physical contact with someone implies that you know them better. This is the universal symbol that two people have a somewhat close relationship. Of course being close enough to hug someone doesn't mean that you are life-long buddies or BFF. It does suggest a casual intimacy or an easy going friendship. Every time you hug someone you reaffirm that you still have at least a casual intimacy if not more than a casual intimacy.
The reverse is true too. If you aren't comfortable touching someone, whether or not that someone is one of your children, you reaffirm that you are not close or casually intimate. If you see someone and never touch them, that can mean business only please.
Some things happen in early adolescence that naturally decrease physical contact between parents and teenagers. First, teens often don't want that hug or that hand on their arm. They feel they've outgrown that. It's age appropriate that they see themselves as moving past all that; however, they really haven't outgrown the need for touching because people never outgrow it.
Your teenager might come right out and challenge you by saying that you are too "touchy feely" and please back off.
The flip side of the coin is that as a parent you feel betrayed when your teen develops a drug problem, and all the various behaviors that come along with it. Parents can build up resentments. Suddenly you are not as comfortable going to the hug. Also, people hate rejection. parents are no different. If you keep going to the well and it's dry, then you stop going to the well.
The point of this post is to encourage parents to see this physical touch thing as a challenge. The quick fix: hug your kids every chance you get. If you have to, sneak up on them and give them a quick-hug. Sneak up on them and give him/ her a back rub. Sneak up on him/ her and touch his arm. Don't allow your teenager to discount your involvement. Hug anyway although if the teen resists, you won't be hugging too much or for too long, but don't let the your teenager's rejection stop you from continuing to try the next time!
Become a ninja hugger. Sneak up on them and become master of the quick hug. If they confront you, just agree with them that you want so much to hug them that it's practically impossible to do stop- sorry. On some level the teenager will like that. The only caution is not let the hug last too long, especially if the teen is resistant.
The big exception to this might be male adults, step parents especially, hugging teenage girls. It's still recommended but more sensitivity to a teen's plea to stop might be in order so the wrong idea doesn't come across.
Hugging not only can change a teen's attitude towards the parent, but hugging can improve the parent's attitude towards the teenager. Both can feel the warmth. It might not feel warm when you do it but just keep it up regularly and see if you don't feel differently.
Stay tuned for Secret Weapon #2, coming soon.
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What last year's cake would have looked like except that
Lloyd let the plastic wrap touch the icing. It still tasted
good :-) Click "read more" to see another cake! |
Once again, a parent from PSST will be named Allegheny County Parent of the Year! The award will be given on October 6th, but the fun happens this Saturday, October 1, at our Eastern District Probation Office where no doubt we will celebrate as we always do- with CAKE!
 This year's winner was nominated by numerous people including parents. This year's winner won for acts of bravery, excellent command of PSST skills, for showing a lot of growth, and for reaching out to other parents. Those nominating felt that this year's winner stood out for those reasons; however, it is also true that this award could have been given out to many other PSST parents who also act bravely, study and use the PSST skills, show a lot of improvement and reach out to other parents. In some ways, everyone who attends PSST wins (again this year!).
Click here to see pictures from last year's Parent of the Year Award.
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We can't announce the winner on the blog until after
October 6th. If you know who won remember "mums" the word! |
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On November 11, 2011 there will be a live workshop on Oppositional Defiant and Anger Issues in Children and Adolescents at the Embassy Suites - Airport with Program Director Jay Berk Ph.D.
Wilma plans on bringing fliers to this Saturday's meeting. CLICK HERE if you wish to look at the information online.
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 They say that it gets worse before it gets better but its only getting worse.
I updated Bam Bam's status last week. It feels like a decade ago.
Wednesday 9-21 started like any other day-Bam Bam didn't go to school, badgered Fred for money (it started at $5) and escalated to Bam Bam punching a door with his broken hand, punching out Fred's lawn tractor-which doesn't work now and we dont' know if it can be repaired, and threatening that the next thing he punches will be Fred's face. What was different is that FRED CALLED 911.
I was terrified and elated when he called me at work to tell me he called the police. He finally DID IT! When I got home there were two squad cars and a third came shortly after. Now we had THREE COPS at our house. They said they couldn't arrest Bam all they could do was write a citation and he would have to pay restitution. I said I wanted him to go to Shuman but they said no they couldn't and had a bunch of reasons which I don't remember. In hindsight, should I have pushed them?? I don't know.
One of the officers was a former EMT and because of the violent situation that had started over really nothing and Bam Bam's psych issues he suggested calling the ambulance and having him evaluated which we agreed to.
We spent 10 HOURS at hospital number 1. Bam begged me to stay with him so I stayed with him in psych holding. I was prepared, though, to leave at the first sign of any aggression. He was the only adolescent there. When asked by the psych nurse what I wanted I told her he can't come home he needs help. She asked me several times if I was sure (I think she wanted me to change my mind) but I told her "I was not comfortable taking him home.)"
What would he do then? We had already had experience taking him home and before leaving the parking lot of the hospital Bam Bam was using abusive language and throwing things. I wasn't making that mistake again. Bam of course worked very hard at trying to change my mind but I held firm. Fred was in total agreement with Bam not coming home. He waited in the general emergency waiting area. While talking with Bam and the nurse for our interview and intake Bam Bam admitted to relapsing "once" the week before, however, based on his behavior over the last 6 weeks or so I was suspecting him of using. We had given him two urine screens that I felt he had manipulated somehow but couldn't be sure. They both came out negative.
I then bought oral saliva drug tests that Bam Bam refused. He told me I was trying to trick him! I think he knew his goose was cooked as he wouldn't be turning away from me to give a sample, I could watch him the whole time. There would be no "I can't pee in front of anybody' or Not in front of my Mom!" He also admitted to taking niacin (Fred found large white tablets in Bam's string bag when he went home to pack a few things for his stay at Hospital 2 and Bam said that was the niacin and our friend the pharmacist concurred). Bam's Bam's behavior prior to this episode was constantly needing money, hanging out with his same people, places things and of course his new "friend" Cueball who we suspect of stealing beer from us and also Bam's new $350 glasses. I called the counselor at school to see if the glasses were in Bam's locker. the locker was completely empty. She told me that kids will sell their glasses for the frames. And this is what I think happened-he either sold them for money, traded for drugs or Cueball stole them. Not matter what the truth they are gone and Bam doesn't have any glasses! When I mentioned Cue's name to the counselor she said we should be concerned that Bam Bam is associating with him.
Finally transport arrived so that we got to Hospital 2 about 12:30-1:00 Thursday morning. We were exhausted!
He was allowed to call Friday night and of course says he is o.k. there is no reason to be there, etc. I had already talked to the PA earlier in the day who brought up possible DAS (Diversion and Stabilization) program. now that Bam Bam has medical assistance there are no roadblocks to treatment that is denied under our primary insurance. Hallelujah!
Saturday I went myself to visit. I took Bam some McDonald's and he tried to work me during the whole 10-15 minute visit. I didn't bring up any possible treatment scenarios as I needed him to hear it from the staff. I just told him we had our meeting with the counselor on Sunday and see what he said. Later on Saturday I picked Fred up after the PITT game and he talked the most he's talked about all of this. One thing that was different is that he is not falling for Bam Bam's games anymore. He talked about how he let Bam Bam use him for money, rides, believing his lies. I felt sad for him but so glad that FINALLY we are together on this.
Sunday we had our family meeting with the therapist. The therapist and doctor are recommending the DAS program. Bam DOES NOT WANT THIS. He wants to come home and be with his family. that is all he needs along with maybe some rehab. he DOES NOT get that he also has mental health issues that need to be dealt with and it's the usual what do we do first? Mental health or D&A? to get dual dx treatment has been a nightmare for us and I am considering dropping his primary insurance so that we don't have so many problems getting him proper treatment.
Because of his escalating violent behavior (which he does not see) he needs to go. The therapist said that Bam is making poor decisions (drugs, alcohol, stealing, etc) not really in touch with reality, etc (I should tape these things) he strongly recommends the DAS. Fred mentioned to the therapist when we were leaving how Bam had been asking about his BB guns and without blinking an eye he said Bam was going to sell them. Fred never thought of this, wouldn't want to think this but is believing it now. Later on we went to visiting, took McDonald's, and Bam Bam was telling us he does not think he needs the DAS. He'll go back to therapy all he needs is to come home. We told him if he didn't follow the treatment plan he WAS NOT COMING home. He was shocked. Later on the nurse called twice to tell me he was agitated, had punched something and was asking for something to calm him down and again that she had to call the doc. What Bam didn't tell us earlier was that he had told staff and patients that he didn't agree with anything that was recommended and that he was going to scale the fence (i'd like to see this) and run off. What that got him was level 2, not allowed to leave the unit.
Also on Sunday Bam is getting text messages from somebody he owes $20. I texted back "???" and this kid texted back that Bam should bring the $20 to school Monday Hmm, wonder what that's for??? Today the kid texted "YO" so I guess he's going to be waiting awhile before he gets paid back!
Today, Monday. Bam's ACT 53 went without a hitch. His case was continued and we didn't have to appear before the judge. The judge didn't even want to hear the gory details so it was uneventful.
Fred and I filled out a juvenile court allegation form to press charges against Bam Bam for this latest episode. This time it's both of us, not just me and hopefully Bam Bam will get probation. We both really think he needs the added court supervision. He is getting more out of control.
I also talked with the social worker at the hospital and a referral was sent to the DAS program even though as of yesterday Bam said he wouldn't go. DAS is voluntary so he is going to have to agree. i did let her know that if he refuses he is not coming home and cyf will then have to get involved. If he does agree I am also working on alternative transportation from one place to the other. Yesterday we were told that we have to get him there. however, we have had him in the car trying to jump out, throwing things, grabbing the steering wheel so I told the social worker that I don't think we can safely be expected to transport him unless he was unconscious and/or handcuffed in the back seat! I am working on private ambulance which of course our primary insurance doesn't cover but Gateway might. The Social worker also said she will look into alternatives.
So that is where we are today.
Wilma
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