Last week I was thinking about all the positive changes that happened in my life in the past year. I am very grateful that my son is back in my life and grateful for his recovery. I called my son’s PO, Lloyd Woodward to thank him for his help and support. Lloyd asked me to write about my experiences with my son on the PSST website because other parents dealing with their teen’s addiction need to hear a successful story. Due to confidentially, I will refer to my son as Stevo.
Even though Stevo’s mother and I separated when he was young, Stevo visited me on weekends and during the summer. We were close and had a good relationship. I became aware of Stevo’s drug abuse when he was 14. The police came to my home to notify me that Stevo was caught smoking weed at the skate board park and that he was no longer allowed at the park. Stevo lost privileges and I lost trust. He visited less and less at my home, and eventually the visits stopped all together. Stevo began running away as his drug use took over his life. I had no contact with him for about a year and a half. During that time I had no peace of mind. I could not be happy because I did not know what was happening with my son. I know how addiction can take over you life because I am in recovery. I also knew that his drug use would eventually cause him trouble with the law or worse.
Last spring, I received a letter from the Pyramid Ridgeview Treatment Facility that Stevo was in their program. I tried to contact him there but was unable to obtain any information. I hired an attorney to help me track him down. The attorney put me in touch with Stevo’s PO, Lloyd Woodward. I was very relieved that Stevo was safe, in treatment and in the system. I met with Lloyd at his office. I was totally honest with Lloyd about my current situation, addiction and recovery. He allowed me to write Stevo who by then was in a court ordered placement at Abraxas. My letter was returned unopened. I then contacted Stevo’s therapist at Abraxas and was permitted a 6 hour visit with Stevo. I was very surprised with the change in his appearance. He was taller, heavier, and covered with tattoos and piercings. When we hugged it was the best I felt for the passed 3 years. That visit went well but when the time came for the next visit, Stevo had runaway. When he was picked up 16 hours later, he had cut his wrist and was facing additional charges. Abraxas gave him a second chance and he was allowed to remain in their program. The visits continued and slowly Stevo began filling in the blanks about his activities during the years we were apart.
During the visits I tried to keep him focused “on leaving the past in the past”, “doing the next best thing” and “moving forward”. His attitude started to change which was the first step in his recovery. He was able to admit he had a problem and had no power over it. He became more respectful and showed gratitude for the chance to change his life. Towards the end of his stay at Abraxas, Stevo was permitted two weekend visit to my home which went very well. Even though I believed Stevo was ready to be discharged to my home, PO Woodward recommended to the court that Stevo be step-downed to the Liberty Station Halfway House.
Stevo initially had difficulty accepting his placement at Liberty Station. His behavior was up and down. He did successfully complete his GED while there and became involved in the Life’s Work Program. At the end of January he was successfully discharged to my home. I made a commitment to PO Woodward that I would support Stevo by making sure he completed 90 Recovery Related Activities in 90 Days. Stevo did more than the 90 Activities. He attended the Intensive Outpatient Program at the Irene Stacy Center 3 time a week for 3 hours a day and voluntarily extended his time there. He and I attended N/A Meetings together and at times had to walk several miles in the snow to get there.
WOW - I am grateful that I was able to reconnect with my son. I am surprised how far we have come in the past year. I now trust Stevo. I am no longer worried that when he goes out that he will not come back. He stays away from the people, places and things that will cause him to relapse. Our conversations still focus on “doing the right thing” and “not picking up”. I have less fear now and more hope for the future. The fears I still have are that of any parent of a 17 year old. Things are not perfect of course. I would like Stevo to find a job that he likes and we are still working on “accepting life on life’s terms.”
I am grateful for all the support Stevo and I have received from PO Woodward, and his Supervisor Val Ketter, Abraxas, Liberty Station, Life’s Work and the family therapists from WSS.
Gratitude for My Sons Recovery by a Grateful Father
Posted by:Sally--Tuesday, June 08, 2010
A TIME TO COME HOME, A TIME TO STAY HOME, A TIME TO LEAVE HOME - SUMMARY OF THE JUNE 5 PSST MEETING
Posted by:Rocco--Sunday, June 06, 2010
We had a really encouraging turnout and a good time at this week’s PSST meeting in Wilkinsburg.
Kathie and Lloyd led the meeting. We had 12 parents including 4 dads. We were happy to have a nice mix of familiar faces as well as some new parents. We were especially glad to meet one dad (who has been actively involved in his teens’ recovery) who took time away from running the family business to attend.
Sally and I were told years ago at an elementary school meeting on self esteem: “Your child has a big advantage in their life because you cared enough to attend this meeting.”
Although your son or daughter may be in a “bad place” right now they have a “big advantage” in their life because you cared enough to attend a PSST meeting. More than likely they will not grasp the “big advantage” concept and in all probability resent that you go to “those meetings where you are misled by that crazy dude.”
NEVERTHELESS they are in a better place because you do care enough to try to save their life.
Each of the parents had an opportunity to discuss their own situation and issues. We talked about how we can handle our troubled teenagers that are at home, our teenagers that are about to return home and about when it is time to tell our teen that it is time to leave home.
Each of these is a tough situation.
If our troubled child is living at home we need to give them clear rules on how they are to behave and what is expected of them. Next we need to provide specific consequences if they break the rules (consequences that we know that we can follow through with). This can be as simple as taking away privileges, cell phones, computer access and i-pods or as serious as having charges filed against them. If we suspect drug or alcohol use (click on the “TIME TO ACT!” link at the top right side of the PSST Blog) one of the key things they will need to agree to is random drug testing. When you come to a PSST meeting we can explain where you can get the various test kits at a reasonable price.
If our child has left home and is asking to come back home we must insist on their agreement to the same rules and consequences as above. Written contracts are a big help here. One of the rules should be that, prior to their return, they need to enter a treatment program and be professionally evaluated. This is probably one of the hardest things to stick to. They will always promise to enter the program after we allow them to come back home. They must enter the program first.
If our teen is in an inpatient recovery program they will be constantly insisting on why they should be home. Before they come home for good try a few home passes if offered. See Lloyd’s post on Home Passes below this one. The basic theme of the Home Pass should be: the child’s home time is to be spent with you and your family. This should be time to begin to reconnect and heal our relationships. It should not be a time to have friends over, talk to friends on the phone or on the computer. Very important: Do not be afraid to share with their counselors how the visit went – good or bad. This will help them in their evaluation of your teen.
If our teen is about to complete their inpatient recovery program and return home; Congratulations! Now spend the last few weeks while they are still in the program getting your family ready for their return. Follow the same rules above about setting clear rules, expected behaviors and consequences. Be strong and insist on the terms being spelled out in a written contract. Do not expect your child to readily agree to all of the terms. That’s okay. If they are going to act out then let them do it while they are in their program and they are under the care of professional counseling. Remember that the terms of their contract can be modified by you at any time depending on their behavior – good or bad.
And then we have the case of our child acting out at home and it's time to go. Our child will not follow our rules, refuses counseling and may be using. They may or may not have completed a recovery program. The time to act is NOW.
If our child is a minor there are options like Act 53 (asking the Court to declare your child to be in need of involuntary drug and/or alcohol treatment services) or having them placed on probation.
If our child is no longer a minor we need to tell them that it is time for them to leave. They may leave willingly or we may need to engage the local police to escort them out. If necessary get a Protection from Abuse Order. Here is a link to the Allegheny County DA’s web site explaining the PDA - http://www.da.allegheny.pa.us/dv_Protection_From_Abuse_Orders.asp
We always need to consider our safety and the safety of our family first.
If and when they ask to come back home (and if we have left that possibility open) we will need to follow the steps above.
Please feel free to attend a PSST meeting to discuss any of these situations. There is no cost or obligation.
PSST is here to assist and support concerned parents to take the power back, to regain control of their teens, their home and their own lives. The meetings are a place where you can talk openly with professionals and other parents about your own situation. We understand where you are at because we have been in a similar place. You will notice a lot of us nodding in agreement with you.
A note to new parents attending their first PSST Meeting: The first meeting may seem a bit overwhelming and you might feel a little uncomfortable. That is okay. Sally and I felt that way when we attended our first meeting three years ago. We now wish that we would have stuck it out longer. Regardless we were happy to be able to return two years later for our second meeting and find acceptance as well as a lot of support, wisdom and understanding. Our family is now healing, hopeful and heading in the right direction.
We followed up our discussion with two role plays.
The first Role Play concerned insisting on action NOW. From the time our children were toddlers we found that we would have less confrontation and conflict if we picked up their toys, their clothes or cleaned their room. Some of us now employ this method with our spouse or significant other.
IT IS TIME TO STOP LETTING THEM SLIDE, NOW!
Whether it is doing the dishes, taking out the trash, working on their recovery or finishing a job they've started. Whether it is your child, your spouse or significant other; Start insisting that they do (whatever) NOW. Click here to read Lloyd’s March, 2010 post on Who is the big dog at your house? Featured technique: use of "NOW"
As Lloyd notes: DO NOT USE THIS WORD (NOW) unless you really mean it and are prepared to drop everything and stay with your teenager (spouse or significant other) until task is accomplished. No threats are necessary and in fact, threatening at this point might be counter-productive and cause unnecessary resentment.
The second Role Play was a parent introducing a new rule to their unruly teenager. Max really captured the essence of most of our teens here. As our role-play dad did: Go into the discussion prepared. Start off by explaining to the teen that they may not agree with what you have to say. Tell them that they may not even like it. Clearly and simply state the rule. Explain the consequences. Don’t expect your teen to think that your rule is “just swell”. Do your best not to get into a prolonged discussion or debate on the rule. If your teen protests how hard that the rule will be to follow be sure to take the opportunity to agree with them – “You’re Right! It will be hard at first.” – and even attempt to get in a compliment – “I’m glad that you're smart enough to understand that and I know that you're mature enough that you can do it if you try.” End the conversation as quickly as possible and walk away.
After the meeting a couple of us discussed suicide threats.
Both suicide threats and attempts should always be taken very seriously.
The threat of suicide can be frightening enough to cause some parents to “walk on eggshells” and to give their child whatever they want.
PLEASE NOTE: Even if you feel that your child’s suicide threat is nothing more than a manipulative tactic you need to IMMEDIATELY take them to the nearest emergency room for an evaluation.
If they are truly suicidal they will receive the help they need. If the child was merely using the threat as a manipulative tactic to get their way, the trip to the E.R. and the evaluation will tend to discourage them from using this as a tactic in the future.
Never ignore or minimize a suicide threat or a suicide attempt.
Our thanks to the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office for the use of their space.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday June 12 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Trinity Lutheran Church 2500 Brandt School Road, Wexford, PA 15090
C'mon in and join us.
Our PSST meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life.
Have a home pass or off grounds pass with teen in placement?
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, June 05, 2010
At our well attended meeting this morning (12 parents with five new faces), Ralph Kramden (pen name) mentioned that there is a post on the blog about home passes from institutions, "but you have to dig for it." I'm happy to hear when someone mentions that they have found something of value on our blog. I'm going to put some links to the posts that I find that I believe are relevant to home passes.
Home Pass From the Institution or Oooops you're a quart low. Actually, this was posted April 5th 2010 and it also has a link to the one below:
Preparing for a six-hour Home Pass.
Home Pass from Institution: Ten things to keep in mind. This one may be the one to which Ralph was referring.
And one related post that is not entirely about home passes but is relevant: Feeding the Enemy.
One of the things that we don't talk about much at our meetings is the need to listen to your teenager. I know, I know, if you were at today's meeting most of us agreed that what teens say is mostly bull or posturing for more power. We encourage the use of power words like "nevertheless" and "regardless."
The problem is, at a meeting there is so much to say and so little time. Some times, the best thing you can do is listen to your teenager. Listen carefully and well. Find a thing to really agree with them about if can, but let them know that you are listening. Don't say, "I understand" because the person who says that rarely really understands. Just admit that you are having trouble understanding; that it is hard to put yourself in their situation, but that you are trying to understand- that is always so much more convincing.
None of us consider ourselves that simple, that someone can understand us just like that- we think of ourselves as complex so we certainly expect someone to be puzzled at first- admit that- be Peter Faulk for a moment, slap your forehead and tell them you are confused. Of course Columbo always understood, didn't he?
As Ken used to say at our meetings, "Every moment is not a teachable moment." Ken wrote the best thing I think I have ever read on listening and so I have dug it out of the blog and will link to it here: Listening
Remember:
1. To listen well is not necessarily to agree.
2. To listen well does not mean you have to allow yourself to be manipulated.
3. To listen well does not weaken your own position.
4. To listen well increases your power.
5. Sometimes, what you hear is a bunch of horse manure. Still, there is something there that you can underline, reframe or agree with.
6. Teenagers, if you ask them, believe that nobody really listens to them. Therefore, if you really listen, it takes them by surprise. Taking them by surprise, doing the unexpected, can disarm them. Our teens are so powerful that we should disarm them whenever we can.
I mention these things here because if you are going to make goals for yourself for a home pass or for an off grounds visit, I challenge you to go in with your big ears on- there's a lot to listen to and sometimes a lot to be learned from our teens.
If anybody ever feels that they've "gone way back" on our blog and found something good, let me, Sally, or Rocco know and we'll repost it, perhaps with a new comment or two. By the way, if you are interested in certain topics try our search window at the upper left of the blog.
GOT STRESS? - A Court Hearing Followed by a Six Hour Home Pass
Posted by:Sally--Thursday, June 03, 2010
"Stress is simply the adaptation of our bodies and minds to change; and change is about the only constant left in our lives."
It has been a year since Cisco was placed on a Consent Decree and today Cisco was due in court to determine where to go from here. Often when I find myself in this type of a stressful situation and cannot sleep I find writing very therapeutic. So I dare to start off this post with my poem that I wrote when I woke up in the middle of last night.
It is titled: Three O'Clock Thoughts Before a Hearing
Will our lives ever be in place?
Or will our son always be in placement?
Will we live fully in His Grace?
Or are we tied to a chunk of cement?
The cement of society views Cisco as a risk.
They can't tell if he's changed or temporarily fixed.
No one but he knows what is in his heart.
Who knows if he worked out a brand new start?
It boils down to trust and that's a fact.
I want my son home, its as simple as that.
Okay, don't laugh. It is not the best poem but I know a would-be rapper who liked it.
Besides, after I wrote it - I slept like a baby.
After a three hour wait to see the Hearing Officer, things went well. It came down to two choices.
1.) End the consent decree today (which would end the Juvenile Probation services today along with Wesley Spectrum services). Cisco would have to volunteer to stay at Liberty Station until successful completion and have a hearing at a later date on charges including a D.U.I.
2.) Cisco would be adjudicated on a much lesser charge of Disorderly Conduct, Juvenile Probation and Wesley Spectrum Services would continue for an additional six months after the completion of Cisco's stay at Liberty Station. It is possible for Cisco to complete his stay at the halfway house by mid July.
Rocco and I decided we would make a plea for option two. Cisco wanted option one but his dad told him we were going for two. After some discussion and explanation Cisco conceded.
We are so thankful that we had Cisco's P.O. Lloyd there to speak so eloquently on Cisco's behalf. Also Cathy and Kathie of Wesley Spectrum and Tim of Liberty Station were there for support. The hearing officer thoughtfully heard all sides and we walked out of the court room with the lesser charge and our help and support system intact.
By three o'clock Cisco was on his six hour pass from Liberty Station. 
He was a bit agitated because of the six months of probation and said that he 'hates his life'. I was thankful that he will not have a DUI on his record before he even has a driver's license. We explained to Cisco that the probation will not be a problem if he continues to do what he should do. I reminded Cisco of something Rocco often said to both of our sons. "If you are driving a car and a police officer is following you there is nothing to sweat if you are doing the speed limit and following the other rules of the road."
At any rate, Cisco felt less frustrated after he recorded some music and rapped into his microphone. He made plans for his sponsor and another friend in N.A. to visit and then all three were headed for a meeting. Both of his friends were very nice and polite. This is the first time we met his sponsor and after talking with him I felt very comfortable and pleased that he is Cisco's sponsor.
The evening went well and we tried to keep things light. There was just one incident I'd like to mention:
Cisco sat on the front stoop to "have a smoke". He decided, before we even had to lay down the rule, that he would not smoke indoors anymore. I was pleased about this also.
He asked if he could call a girl from his past who I will call Susie Bee. I said, no. Cisco said, Why? Now here is what followed:
Mom: This home pass is time for you and I to build our relationship. It is not time for you to talk with old friends. I am not saying you can NEVER call Susie Bee but for now the answer is no. I will think on this and we will discuss it later. (Mom walks in the house, glances at second phone and notices that the line is in use.) (Mom goes back to where Cisco is sitting on porch.)
Mom: Who are you talking to?
Cisco: Susie Bee.
Mom: When you get off the phone; we need to talk. (Mom goes inside for a minute and takes a deep breath. She contemplates banging her head against the wall. It might feel good at this point. Instead she takes another deep breath and returns to scene.)
Mom: Cisco, get off the phone now so we can talk.
Cisco: (Says to phone.) I gotta go, Susie Q. I love you, too. Smoochie, Smoochie!
(Mom has queried look on face)
Cisco: Yes, Mom, I called both Susie Q and Susie Bee. I don't see why I can't talk to them. They are not addicts and they help me stay clean. They are my good friends.
Mom: You are not helping me to trust you by disobeying a simple rule.
Cisco: Even Lloyd, doesn't think it is a big deal to call Susie Bee.
Mom: You do not live with Lloyd, you live with dad and I. I made a simple rule and you broke it already.
Cisco: F!!Q - QUE!
Mom: You have very little control of yourself. (Walks away, disappointed.)
Five minutes later, Cisco enters the house.
Mom: May I ask you to set the table?
Cisco: (Sets the table.) I am sorry for swearing at you, mom. Once I get mad, I don't care if you are the president. I don't have control anymore.
Mom: I'm glad you let me know how hard it is for you to keep control if you do not get your way. You need to work on that. I also know I deserve more respect than what you are showing me.
Thanks for reading about my day. Goodnight. Hope to see y'all at PSST this Saturday.
Sally 
LOOK TO THE RIGHT
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, May 31, 2010
LOOK TO THE RIGHT
Look to the right of this page and you will find a link to “TIME TO ACT”
presented by the Partnership for a Drug-Free America - Drugfree.org
Take some time to check it out.
Whether you suspect or whether you know for sure that your child is using drugs or alcohol; Drugfree.org presents a step by step guide on what steps you should take to address the issue.
As they note: The thought of your teenager using drugs is not a comfortable one for most parents. You don't want to believe that your child could be involved in using drugs or alcohol.
But more importantly you do not want to ignore the warning signs.
Realize that this is probably not just a phase your child is going through.
You want to act as quickly as possible but first take the time to read up on how to handle the situation. Knowing what to look for is a huge help in determining whether your child is drinking or using drugs.
Talk to your spouse or partner or the child’s other parent. Always try to present a united front.
Talk to your child. The first and most important thing you can do is to come right out and ask your child.
Expect denial and anger. Be prepared to be called a lot of things and to even be hated by your child.
Collect evidence. Destroying evidence was one of my own first mistakes (while I was still in denial) and one thing I find in common with a lot of parents. Collect Evidence. And keep it in a secure place where your child cannot get to it.
Set rules in your home and spell out consequences. Make sure that you always follow through with the consequences. If you think that you can’t follow through with a consequence it is better not to set it.
Get your teen and yourself help.
The “TIME TO ACT” site is a good tool to get started.
Do not hesitate or be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help.
Your child’s life is at risk.
At Parent’s Survival Skills Training (PSST) we are here to support you and to help you become oriented as to what it means to be a parent of a child that is using drugs or alcohol. As my wife Sally said “We knew that we were good parents, but we were not good parents of someone who used drugs.”
PSST’s goal is to empower parents with the support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to help a teenager save their own life. Our meetings and our blog are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life. There is no charge or commitment.
Highest Duty: the Search for What Really Matters
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, May 28, 2010
I read Rocco's comment to another post where he mentions that he is reading and really enjoying this book by Chesley B. Sullenberger. I will reprint Rocco's comment here and try to upload this video interview about the book. I have not read it yet but I'm officially putting it on my things-to-read list.
"What an interesting analogy.
"I was just reading Sully Sullenberger’s autobiography “Highest Duty: My Search for What Really Matters”. One of the recurring themes throughout his book is people pushing themselves, learning and training how to “think on their feet”, to make quick decisions and most importantly to live with the decision that they make.
"We have received (and continue to receive) this type of guidance at the PSST meetings. There are a lot of good resources out there but at the PSST meetings we have a chance to learn about and to role play various parent-child situations out. Then when our teen confronts us we are prepared to think on our feet and to make tough decisions. If we do have second thoughts we have the chance to talk it over.
"Captain Sullenberger acknowledges that if it wasn’t for the “USAir Flight 1549 Miracle on the Hudson”, that we would never have heard of him. And if it wasn’t for his continued routine of training and preparing, the miracle would not have happened. But he would have continued training anyways, just in case. "We, the parents of troubled teens will probably never be known for anything outside of our small group. But we know that we have done whatever we could to save their lives."
Rocco
Mock Car Crash Day at Brashear High School 5-19-10
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, May 20, 2010
When we arrived, the Firemen, paramedics, and police were busy using power equipment to cut up a car. Four volunteer high school students were inside the car and dressed up for the prom. They had liberal amounts of makeup to make it appear that they were seriously injured. It was like walking onto the set of movie. All the equipment was powered by a loud generator that never stopped.
Right in the midst of this chaos our three speakers and one of our other teens spontaneously formed a circle. Grasping each others hands and with heads bowed, they asked their Higher Power for strength and courage in delivering their message. Just watching our brave young men I started to feel emotional about all this. No one had even started talking yet. I also knew that one of the speakers had lost his girlfriend in a DUI.
He told a harrowing story of how he looked out the car window after the crash to see her body lying on the ground in front of the car. It was a powerful message to the audience and a truly inspirational experience to see the his courage and determination. He made no excuses for what he had done and he told the kids listening that he can never make amends for the harm he has done- and the only way he can even try to is by speaking to groups of teenagers.
Our other younger speakers were also inspirational and they too did not make excuses for what they have done or whom they have injured. One of the phrases, straight from 12-step, that kept coming up: "the wreckage of my past."
It's so easy to feel pessimistic when you have a teenager with a drug problem; however, on May 19th, our young men were so inspirational, both the speakers and the support guys, that you really can't walk away without believing in miracles.
Click "Read More" to see videos of the prom-related simulated Car Crash. They lift the top of the car off so that they can access the people inside.
Special thanks to School-based Probation Officer Christine Lisko who invited our young men as speakers; thanks to Brashear High School for having us and for arranging this powerful demonstration. Also, thanks to Cathy Culbert from Wesley Spectrum Family Services and Gateway Liberty Station Halfway House whose work with our young men is invaluable. Finally, big thanks to the brave young speakers who are just trying to save a few lives.
Note: picture on right used with the permission of the two volunteers.
Read More......
"Who Moved the Cheese?" or How Parent's Power Surge Perplexes Teen
Posted by:Sally--Thursday, May 20, 2010
Cisco admitted that some of the things he says to you he says not because he means it but because he wants to hurt you. You suspected as much. He perceives that some of the things you say are intended to hurt him. Actually, I think he kind of thinks that- but he also kinda knows that’s not true. What hurts Cisco is not the content of what you say- it’s the fact that you dared to say it to him. What hurts Cisco is really the feeling that he has lost power over you. That’s a really positive thing. He feels the shift of power and he strikes out to hurt you because feeling a power-shift is not pleasant.
Like my long-time (25-year vet) said at my Family Meeting last night, “When we see parents change, it often follows that teenagers change.") I think you and Rocco are driving the change process with Cisco. I mean, don’t get me wrong- Gateway YES is driving the change process in the short-term and they do a great job, even Cisco said they cover so much more than his last inpatient did) and Cisco himself is driving the change process in the short-term; however, you and Rocco are driving the change process in the longer-term.
What I mean by that is that any teenager will change enough “to get by” and Cisco because he is who he is, can do that extremely well- but he is “rattled” I guess is a good word, by the changes that he sees both of you going through. He is starting to believe that your changes are not short-term.
So you and Rocco have got him by the you-know-whats! He doesn’t like that. No one does like forced-change. And yet, part of him not only likes it (it feels safe for a kid when adults take charge- it really does- he knows that you are going to do what you can to see that he doesn’t hurt himself) but part of him is so very impressed with the change that you have made that he has gained a whole new respect for you. It’s part of the reason he has been striking out at you, Sally. He is testing you- to see if you really are that stronger person or if he can still break you down with hurtful things or with guilt. He needs to test for himself to see if you really are tougher, smarter, and more ready to take bold action on his behalf.
It’s ironic, that by seeing him go through the “testing” that he helped to convince you that you were doing the right thing by insisting that he go to Liberty Station when he finished this last inpatient. You passed the test. Rocco,he doesn’t test much. It’s because he always saw Rocco as a tough guy.
However, he was and still is closer to mom. But he didn’t see mom as a tough parent. He saw you as a loving, concerned, and basically a good mother- but he only lately has been seeing you as a “tougher” person. He actually respects and admires you for the changes you are making, in fact, what came out yesterday in our interview, is that he is so impressed with you, but you see, for him it’s a rather inconvenient thing, because he still planned on “ruling-the-roost.” Probably, without realizing it, he planned on “ruling-the-roost” till he was 25- living at home, doing drugs, working part-time, taking a few classes, spending his limited income on shoes, drugs and girls. No real rent, cable, internet, or phone bill to worry about- plenty of time for that later if and when he decided to finish “growing up.” Meanwhile he planned on having you both back off because he is (will be by then) 18 years old.
Now all of his plans must change. Why? Because his parents have “cut him off at the pass.” He can’t see that plan working anymore. You guys just won’t put up with it. So, now, he is looking at change in the longer-term. It isn’t enough for him to just skim by, he needs to pull out a change to match the change that you have made or, geeeez louize, he needs to start out on his own. That latter prospect is too scary for him.
Why is he so impressed that you have really changed? Lots of reasons and lots of little things that you do differently, but one huge glaring reason is that you did not rescue him from Liberty Station. He is still reeling from that although he wouldn’t want you to know it. He is stunned by your strength especially because he knows you better than anyone except Rocco and your other son, and maybe, in some ways he knows you even better than they do. Still, he does not want to believe that you have grown so much stronger. It perplexes and continually surprises him. Once again, it’s why he needs to test you – to assure himself that you aren’t just faking.
Now all we need in this recipe is a little bit of luck. You and I talked about luck the other day and while we hate to realize it- sometimes we can do everything right and the finished product isn’t what the recipe called for. Still, we have excellent chances. The perfect luck right now would be for Cisco to catch the 12-step bug. For him to set down some roots in 12-step that last and for him to feel really good about the new Cisco, who not only wants to stay clean but really knows how to do it. He has never really learned how to do it even though he learned many things.
You’ll know it when it happens. Not at first probably, but the longer he is exposed to what’s going on down there at Liberty Station, the more likely this will happen. In the meantime- he will still test Sally. He still has to do that. He can’t believe the changes, and so when he tries his old manipulative stuff on you, and it doesn’t work, he feels angry, then he accepts, then he admires.
Change is perhaps the hardest thing we do as humans. I can’t predict when or how and I don’t think anybody can. But I believe strongly that you have given him the best chance to change. Now the rest is up to him. And I believe that Cisco will change as a result of all this- either now at Liberty Station, or later when things get really tuff for him out-there.
Still, I am optimistic and I am so proud of both of you. I guess it’sanother way to look at the “doubt-prayer” that Rocco posted. Doubts cover not only “if” but “when.” Once again, it’s ironic, but as Cisco senses that you are prepared to patiently wait for the change, and that you aren’t going to return to enabling him while you are waiting, that tends to speed up his time-table for change. When he senses that you just have to have him make all these changes, and make them now, then he senses the power-shift coming back to him and that feeling of a power-shift is toxic to an addict.
What am I talking about? Translated: He can come home in three months- but that’s really up to him and we’ll see how that goes. It’s not OUR need (or your need) that he be home in three although we would like that. WE are perfectly OK with him being there longer if it’s recommended and if he needs it. He will be looking for reassurances that you will fight to get him out in three. That may be his first move. It may go like this:
Cisco: Ok mom, you know I came here and I’ve done my best. I didn’t want to come, but I came. Now I need to know that you’ll be there for me when I need you.
Mom: I’m here for you Cisco.
Cisco: I know but I mean I need to know that you’ll fight for me – you know- if I try my best – and they try to screw me over- I need to know that you’ll fight for me.
Mom: You really need to be able to count on me- to depend on me.
Cisco: Yeah, you know after three months I’ll be away from home home and in a Gateway Program six full months! Then add those three months from Ridgeview and all that probation time and enough is enough- I learned my lesson. You see that I’ve changed don’t you?
Mom: You need to know that even if “they” don’t recommend you to come home in three- that if I think you’re ready- I’ll fight to get you home.
Cisco: Yeah- exactly!
Mom: Ok. No problem. I’ll fight for you Cisco. I love you- you know you can count on me.
Cisco: Yeah, I thought so.
Mom: One thing though.
Cisco: What?
Mom: I’m going to look hard at the clinical recommendation that Liberty Station makes. They are professionals here and I want their opinion.
Cisco: Oh you don’t know! – I hear these people just want to keep their beds full- so they look for reasons to keep you here.
Mom: Nevertheless – I will value their opinion.
Cisco: So if they screw me over- you won’t fight for me- you’ll just let Lloyd and Liberty Station call the shots?
Mom: Oh I’ll fight for you Cisco- I fought to see that you even got to come here- you realize that don’t you?
Cisco: Yeah.
Mom: And I’ll fight to see that you stay here as long as necessary to fight this damn disease that’s trying to kill you. You just don’t always like it when I fight for you.
Cisco: Oh shit! This is not what I need to hear- you’re just upsetting me now. That’s what you like to do – don’t you, just upset the crap out me and take my really really positive attitude and just crush it- that’s why I hate you so much- cause you just get your kicks by kicking me- and I was being honest with you – like I’m supposed to be- I did everything right- and now you just come down here to piss me off.
Mom: Yes, sometimes when I fight for you, Cisco, it really does piss you off. [notice the ‘agreeing’ statement here feel the power that shifts when Sally does not try to convince him that what he just said is not true- first of all- he knows its not true- don’t waste your time trying to convince him- it’s a trap, a game and it’s designed to shift power back to him. ["Poor baby, does he really thing I’m out to ruin his day- oh what an evil mother I must be!." You’re too smart for that now- it still hurts you when he says these things, but those tactics are easily seen for their manipulative nature. So we stick to our guns and do what he hates- agree with part of what he said. The part that’s easiest to agree with is “you don’t always like it when I fight for you- but I’ll fight to see you aren’t killed by this disease- no matter what it takes.”
Cisco: Ok, you know what, if this is the shit I have to listen to- after all the changes I’ve made- then fu*& it- I just won’t try at all- cause you know what – I’m not appreciated, I just quit- you happy now? Is this what you want? [keep in mind all this is because he wanted to get a promise from his mother that he could get out in three and he can’t believe he is not getting that- but that promise would undermine the clinical teams approach and reassurance of this is not what he needs AT ALL- it could be the kiss of death for him right now – but it’s especially hard because as parents we want him home in three too- maybe even worse than he does. Right now – it doesn’t help if we emphasize that little detail. We don’t lie or hide it- we just don’t emphasize it because if we think he’ll “understand things better” if he knows how much it’s killing us that he is not home, or how much it may be killing us that we can’t be sure that he’ll be home in three months- forget it- that’s not going to help the situation one little iotta).
Mom: This conversation isn’t helping you at all today. [more agreeing]
Cisco: No it’s sure as hell not!
Mom: Ok, I’m sorry but you’re right, let’s talk about this later.
Cisco: No thanks- I’m done with your little pep-talks and thanks to you, I don’t feel like even trying down here- I just don’t give a fu&^ right now if you want me to be honest with you. You don’t want to know the truth mom, you can’t handle the truth. [ a bit of jack Nicholson coming out now- we have to really appreciate one thing here- this kids got STYLE. He, and his addiction because that’s what we are really seeing here- is FORMIDABLE. And just because we can see the manipulative techniques and label them, it doesn’t mean that they don’t still have power to move us, make us cry, or make us disappointed, or make us angry.
Mom: I’ve completely ruined your day. I’m sorry this is so hard for you. Is there anything I can do to help or is it too late for that? {notice that Sally takes responsibility for ruining his day- she doesn’t get all caught up in something like “Oh cisco, you’ve ruined your own day here buddy- not me- you’re so manipulative, can’t you see that?" Trust me- HE WOULD NOT SEE THAT right now. He just wouldn’t. What's really going on is he is saying “Mom, you’ve got way too much power and it makes me sick!” If you responded with the “Oh - I didn’t ruin your day, you did” then that would really be like saying “Oh, Cisco, you’ve still got the power- you’re just not using it right today- I don’t really have any power here!” After all when you do this parenting thing right- it pisses people off because you are really saying “Yes, Cisco, I guess I do have some power and I know you struggle with that. You just don’t hear what you want to hear from me anymore!]
Mom: Sometimes the truth is ugly and I hate it.
Cisco: I know you do- you can’t handle it.
Mom: You are so right Cisco. Right now I hear you loud and clear. If you don’t get the answer you want out of me- the truth is- that you’ll just give up, stop trying to change, that’s an ugly truth that I wish I didn’t have to hear- I had hoped you had moved past that kind of thing.
Cisco: that’s what you heard? [Cisco is not comfortable with that summary but it's a good one.]
Mom: Yes, among other things, but that really jumped out at me. You know that used to be the truth at our house all the time. Anytime you didn’t get the answer from me that you wanted- you just flipped out.
Cisco: That’s not the same now. You don’t listen. I’m done with this sh*& [walks away angry]
Mom: [lets him walk away- but has a chat with staff- informs them that Cisco is upset and that things didn’t go well.}
Sally: Cisco is really upset after our talk.
Staff: What did you say that got him so riled up?
Sally: It’s a long story- but he can’t handle it well when he can’t control me- not like he used to anyway.
Staff: Oh I see do you want to talk about it.
Sally: Probably not right now, but I want to alert you that he is very upset that he can’t control me anymore- I think he’ll handle it well, but I have to make sure that we don’t keep secrets from staff- so I want you to know that he tried a power-play on me. It didn’t work the way he wanted it to- and he’s struggling with that. He’ll be fine in a bit, when he thinks it over – he’ll be fine.
Staff: Thanks so much for letting me know. Lots of parents just walk out after a fight- and we have no clue, except for what the kid says about what happened. So thanks. You know this often happens down here- it’s usually no big deal.
Sally: Thank you. Can you call me later and let me know if he’s ok?
Staff: Sure- write you number down here so I don’t have to look it up – thanks!
Sally: Ok, I’m leaving now.
Staff: It sure sounds like you did the right thing!
Be on the look-out for paraphernalia
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, May 19, 2010
It's surprising how easy it is to make a water bong or a Pepsi bottle safe . If the same bottle of Pepsi has been in your teenagers room forever you should be suspicious. Also, it is easy to make a aerosol can into a safe so try unscrewing the bottom of the can to see if it holds contraband. Confiscate suspicious containers and bring them to PSST for evaluation. We can all learn from what you bring into a meeting and some of our parents have become self-made experts.
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Thanks PSST - May 15 Meeting Summary
Posted by:Rocco--Sunday, May 16, 2010
We had a good turnout for our PSST meeting Saturday at the Outreach Teen & Family Services location in Mt. Lebanon.
In addition to Val and Lloyd we had seven concerned parents.
We covered a variety of topics. Several of us have children that have re-entered inpatient treatment after relapsing. We had a mom who has made great strides in regaining control of her home, her two boys and her sanity. You can read about her transformation on the blog under “Max & Mel's Terrible Adventure Parts 1 & 2” as well as “The Prequel”.
There was a single mom (with a less than supportive ex-husband) working with her son through his recovery program.
We had a mom whose son has been clean and is living at home. Now she is going through the normal apprehension and worries about him going out with his friends.
There was a couple whose son just admitted to being addicted to Oxycodone. He asked for their help and is now in a treatment facility. They wanted to discuss the next steps in his treatment and some issues they have about his returning home.
Lastly “Rocco and Sally” were celebrating (truly) our one-year anniversary with PSST. Our son “Cisco” had just finished his first I.O.P. when he relapsed in January. He is now in a halfway house and is making a positive effort in his recovery. We are once again contemplating his return home (a bit more confident this time). It is hard for us to believe that only one year ago we were at the end of our resources emotionally, physically and financially. We have now regained control of our home and we are a family in recovery thanks to the support, advice and help from all of our friends at PSST.
We did a role play about a son coming home from an inpatient program. He is no longer a minor so we decided to present him with three choices.
One - He could agree to the terms of a Home Contract and live at home again. (see a link to sample Home Contract at the bottom of this post)
Two - He could go to live at a halfway house until we were all comfortable that he could follow our rules at home.
Three - He could get his own place and try to make it on his own.
(Number three is not recommended if you are dealing with a minor)
A couple of points from the role play:
- Discuss the contract firmly but calmly with the child while they are still in placement. Once they are home it will be too late to discuss.
- Make sure that the rules and the consequences are clearly understood.
- Your child will not like this and will probably be angry with you (that is okay). Agree with them that the rules will not be easy to follow.
- Do not drag out the conversation. Too often parents keep repeating and reiterating, hoping that they can convince their child they are right. More than likely this won’t happen. End the conversation and change the subject.
- Once they are home be sure to follow through with consequences if needed. Once you allow them to bend or break the terms of the contract, your power will quickly evaporate.
Finally at the request of a concerned mom we discussed suicide threats and suicide attempts. Both should always be taken very seriously.
The threat of suicide can be frightening enough to cause some parents to “walk on eggshells” and to give their child whatever they want.
PLEASE NOTE: Even if you feel that your child’s suicide threat is nothing more than a manipulative tactic you need to IMMEDIATELY take them to the nearest emergency room for an evaluation.
If they are truly suicidal they will get the help they need. If they were merely using this threat as a manipulative tactic to get their way, the trip to the E.R. will tend to discourage them from using this tactic in the future.
Never ignore or minimize a suicide threat or a suicide attempt.
Our thanks to OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES for the use of their space.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday June 5 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg.
C'mon in and join us. There is no cost or commitment.
Our meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life.
With PSST there is still Hope.
Here is a link to a sample contract:
Home Contract from the Caron Foundation
A First-Time PSST Parent's Perspective
Posted by:Sally--Sunday, May 16, 2010
Here is a comment I received shortly after yesterday's PSST meeting. It is from a newcomer and I am printing it with her permission: I truly enjoyed the meeting this morning and got a lot out of it. I'd like to share a quote from a book I'm reading. It's titled Crazy: A Father's Search Through America's Mental Health Madness, and written by Pete Earley. The book is a true story about this man's journey with how our nation's justice system is dealing with mental illness. [The jails and prisons are now our new asylums.] His son was arrested for a crime that was committed during a schizophrenic episode.
Anyway.......
"What you discover is that if you really want to help someone, then you have to be willing to have them hate you. That is a really hard thing for most parents to accept, but if you aren't willing to take that step, then you will never be able to help them."
Thanks for the hug. Every one I receive gives me a bit more strength.
Blessings,
A First-Time PSST Parent
Juvenile Court Glossary - Published and Distributed by Juvenile Section Common Pleas Court - Family Division
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, May 10, 2010
Juvenile Court Glossary
This glossary is provided so that people attending Juvenile Court hearings may have a better understanding of the language and proceedings they will hear and see. Should additional questions arise, please ask the Probation Officer or Victim Advocate assigned to your case for further information.
302 Commitment – This mental health proceeding forces an evaluation, which may place an individual in the hospital involuntarily for mental health observation and treatment. A Juvenile Court Judge instead of a Mental Health Officer may hear a “302” hearing when certain conditions apply.
Act 33 – A case wherein a defendant who is a juvenile by age, is charged as an adult because the crime alleged meets certain criteria.
Act 53 – The process by which a parent or guardian can petition the Court to declare their child to be in need of involuntary drug and/or alcohol treatment services.
Adjudication – That portion of the hearing wherein the judge or Hearing Officer determines if the juvenile committed the crime or any portion of the crime with which he or she is charged.
Aftercare – Upon release from residential placement, a period of strict supervision to closely monitor the juvenile’s adjustment back into the community.
Balanced and Restorative Justice – Balanced and Restorative Justice is the law in Pennsylvania. This law maintains that the Court process must include significant input from the victim at every level of the process, and takes into account public safety, offender accountability, and victim restoration.
Certification – The process by which a juvenile can be charged as an adult by transferring prosecution of an offense from Juvenile Court to Criminal Court.
Collections Department – Department within Juvenile Court that receives and documents all restitution payments. This department is also responsible for collecting and making sure victims receive all Court ordered monies.
Commitment – A Court ordered placement in either a residential or day treatment facility.
Community Intensive Supervision Project (CISP) – A community-based program that serves as an alternative to placement for male juvenile offenders between the ages of 10 and 18. All CISP youth are supervised, monitored, and held accountable 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Community Service – The performance of unpaid work, usually in a social service setting, aimed specifically at restoring the victim and community for the harm caused by a juvenile’s delinquent activity.
Consent Decree – An order of the Court which suspends the delinquent proceedings against the juvenile and places youth under voluntary supervision in his or her own home, under terms and conditions negotiated with the probation department and agreed to by all parties affected.
Continued Hearing – A case that is postponed or rescheduled to another date.
Court Appointed Attorney – Where an ethical conflict of interest exists for the Office of the Public Defender to represent a juvenile (such as when two or more juveniles are charged as co-defendants) the Judge will appoint additional defense attorney(s). These attorneys are called Conflict Attorneys because their appointment to the case resolves the conflict.
Court Clerk – The Court employee who is present during the Court proceedings whose purpose is to maintain the official papers and orders.
CYF Caseworker – Children, Youth, and Families is a County agency acting as an agent of the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare. A CYF caseworker is the agency representative involved in dependency cases that deal with alleged abuse and/or neglect of children, or children who are beyond their parents control.
Day Treatment Program – A Court ordered placement into the community that provides rehabilitative treatment for juveniles during the day and evening hours.
De-certification – The process by which a juvenile charged as an adult can be transferred from Criminal Court to Juvenile Court for prosecution of an offense.
Disposition – What the judge orders to happen to the juvenile at the end of the hearing.
District Attorney (DA) – A lawyer who, as the prosecutor, represents the Commonwealth and speaks for the victim. A DA is assigned to most cases automatically.
District Office – A Juvenile Probation Office located in the community.
Felony – A legal term used to define the most serious offenses.
Hearing Officer – Also known as a “Master”, a Hearing Officer is an attorney appointed by the Court who is authorized, under the Juvenile Act, to conduct delinquency and dependency hearings. Hearing Officers’ decisions can be appealed to a Juvenile Court Judge.
Judge – Determines adjudications of dependency and delinquency and determines dispositions.
Juvenile Act – State legislation that dictates the rules and regulations of Juvenile Court
Misdemeanor – A legal term used to define most offenses.
No Contact Order – A Court order which states that the juvenile is not permitted to have contact with a specific person(s). Contact is not permitted in person, by telephone, fax, e-mail, letter, etc. Most of these orders state that neither the juvenile nor the juvenile’s family or friends be permitted to have any contact with the victim(s) and witnesses.
Non-Secure Placement – A residential facility, which provides treatment and rehabilitation while affording juveniles the opportunity to participate in community service projects, and activities on and off grounds.
Permission to Place – The Judge orders permission to investigate residential programs for the juvenile.
Petition – The official document, which contains the formal statement of charges against the juvenile.
Petition Hearing – A Court hearing where testimony is taken regarding charges against the juvenile.
Probation – When a juvenile defendant is found by the Court to be delinquent (guilty) of a crime, and is ordered to be under supervision of a Probation Officer. The conditions (rules) imposed by the Judge and probation department must be followed.
Probation Officer (PO) – Neutral Court staff officer who supervises a juvenile during his or her probationary period or other Court ordered supervision (such as Consent Decree, placement, day treatment, etc.) and who enforce the terms and conditions imposed by the Judge and the probation department.
Public Defender (PD) – A lawyer who represents juvenile offenders who are unable to afford a private attorney.
Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) – These specialized facilities treat delinquent issues when a mental health diagnosis is also present.
Restitution – Any money that a juvenile offender is ordered to pay to his or her victim(s). Restitution is frequently ordered to repay victims for any out of pocket losses that occurred solely as a result of the juvenile’s delinquent act(s).
Review by Memo –The Probation Officer submits a report to the Judge outlining and updating the juvenile’s progress and compliance with the Judges last order. No attendance is necessary.
Review Hearing – Hearing to review the status of a case.
School Based Probation Officer – Probation Officer assigned to provide Court supervision to all juveniles active with the Court and attending a specific school.
Secure Placement – A residential facility which provides treatment and rehabilitation. Restrictions are imposed to monitor a juvenile's every action.
Secure facilities are equipped with various devices, such as fences, locked exits, and entrances, to ensure that juveniles are unable to leave the facility.
Sequester – Witnesses are asked to leave the courtroom while other(s) testify.
Sheriff’s Deputy – The deputies are in charge of security for the entire Court House, and handle all medical emergencies until the paramedics arrive. Deputies at Juvenile Court provide security for the Court Rooms and the Public. Deputies also provide transportation for detained youth as ordered by the Court.
Side Bar – Conversation at the Judges desk that takes place during the hearing between only the Judge, the defense attorney and the District Attorney. The Probation Officer is also expected to participate.
Special Services Unit (SSU) – A division within the Juvenile Probation department that addresses the special treatment needs of sex offenders.
Status Offense – Behaviors which are not a summary, misdemeanor, or felony, and which are only misbehaviors if committed by juveniles. These offenses are usually handled by a District Justice, or CYF but can be handled by Juvenile Court when certain conditions are present. These offenses include truancy, running away from home, underage drinking, curfew violations and the like.
Summary – A summary offense is usually of a minor nature, and normally carries a less serious penalty, such as fine or community service. The District Justice usually handles summary offenses, but these can be handled by Juvenile Court when certain conditions are present. Additionally, the District Justice can refer the case to Juvenile Court if the youth fails to comply with the sentence.
Teleconference – A review hearing conducted by telephone when a juvenile is in residential placement.
The Academy – A day/evening community based program that serves as an alternative to placement for delinquent males and females between the ages of 10 and 18. Juveniles committed to the program participate in a variety of treatment groups and attend academic and GED preparation, as well as vocational skill building.
Tipstaff – The Court Staff member who is responsible for the orderly flow of cases through the Judge’s courtroom.
Victim Advocate – A social service worker who supports and assists victims, witnesses and their families through the Court process by addressing questions and concerns, attending court with them and providing additional services, as needed.
Victim Compensation Fund – A state fund to assist victims who have sustained a financial loss as a direct result of a crime. A mandatory cost against the juvenile is imposed whenever a juvenile is adjudicated delinquent or receives a Consent Decree disposition.
Violation of Probation (VOP)or Violation of Conditions of Supervision – When a juvenile under court supervision breaks their rules.
Waiver – Agreeing to give up certain rights.
Warrant – A Court Order authorizing arrest and secure detention of the juvenile.
Youth Development Center (YDC) – Secure residential facility operated by the state.
Juvenile Court Glossary - Revised 12/09
Published and Distributed by Juvenile Section Common Pleas Court - Family Division
Flying Above the Storm - by Ralph Kramdem
Posted by:Sally--Sunday, May 09, 2010
“Eagles: When they walk, they stumble. They are not what one would call graceful. They were not designed to walk. They fly. And when they fly, oh, how they fly, so free, so graceful. They see from the sky what we never see.”
Have you ever seen an eagle soar? No wonder it is our national bird. The symbol of soaring above everything gives our nation, us, the feeling of control and leadership. Wouldn't it be great if we could soar?
But, down here on earth, trouble brews. Things, bad things, happen. Our children get into crap, bad crap. Sanity goes right out of the window when chemicals, drugs, or alcohol move into our families. As our children put it: this sucks! It's like a storm, a huge thunder storm with lots of wind blowing everything out of place. Lightning is crashing and destroying things all around us. The rain is coming down so heavy that we can see only a few feet in front of us. The sky is dark. Day has become like night. We are in the middle of the target of the storm. And it doesn't feel good, not one bit.
Well, recently I was on a trip, flying cross-country in an airplane. The plane was over some wonderful part of the eagle's great country, at 30-some thousand feet. There were a few clouds, but mostly the plane and my window, were bathed in sun, bright, warm sunlight. Looking out the plane's window, I saw a large storm. The clouds went from the ground, all the way up to our flight level. The earth below was being pounded with rain, lightning, and storms, heavy storms. I knew the people below were being devastated by the turmoil. They were in the thick of it, literally and figuratively. They were not having an easy time. The storm was ripping through the towns below. However, like the eagle, I was soaring in the sun. I was flying above the danger and damage.
So, I have been learning a lot about how children manipulate their parents. I have also been researching what I call the "drug mind", or how young addicts think. And it hit me: my son had been manipulating me for a long time. He set things up, said things, told me lies, told me he would or would not do things (idle threats, I call them), and all manner of things to manipulate me so that his life style, his "mind", would be able to preserve itself. And I was enabling it. I was not stopping the drug addiction, but was being manipulated into allowing it to live. I was so wrong to enable it. But, once we recognize the manipulation for what it is, the enabling can begin to stop. Now, when he makes idle threats, I realize that I am being set up. Now, when he tells me yet another lie, I see it for what it is: survival tactics of a "mind" that is trying to hang on or is losing its stronghold. Now, when he plays the games that let me enable him, I can see them for what they are: not love, but manipulation.
And suddenly, the rain started to lift a little. The lightning wasn't coming so close. The storm was moving off. ... Wait, it wasn't the storm that was moving. My son is still a drug addict and alcoholic, who doesn't want to get clean, and is facing serious charges. My son, from my point of view, is still trying to wreck his entire life. The storm is still there. The storm is still destroying things and lives. It was me who was moving. I was learning to fly above his problems. I was the one who saw that I could become an eagle. I still have a long way to go. My son will probably learn better manipulation techniques. But I can learn too. I can fly higher above his problems. I can work on my own problems. But most of all, I can learn to fly above the storm.
Happy Mothers Day from PSST and The MOM SONG!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, May 09, 2010
Four parents, all mothers, attended our Meeting. Val and I were there. We got to practice our skills more than we usually do since it was a small meeting.
One of the topics concerned Teens doing well temporarily just so that they can have privileges restored but the parent really is NOT COMFORTABLE with restoring things like cell phones etc. See The Third Most Effective Manipulation Technique. Another topic concerned a parent who needs to work closely with The Academy day/ evening program and with Probation. Good meeting, thanks for the support of those that showed up and those that tune into read this blog.
As we did last year I am going to put the Mom Song on our blog in honor of Mother's Day.
A Happy Mother's Day to:
To mothers everywhere who fight the good fight.
To mothers all over who live with the fright
that their teenagers might die from this deadly disease...
To mothers who try so hard to fix things up so that their
teens won't suffer when they screw things up.
To mothers who cry at night for all that they have lost
To mothers who cry for what they fear they will loose.
To mothers who know that every time they say goodbye
It could be the last time they look in their children's eyes.
To mothers who take matters into their own hands
who decide to do whatever it takes.
To mothers who come to awkward meetings with strangers
if they think they might learn some important new thing
To mothers who think that now armed with this new knowledge
they can make a difference.
To mothers who strive to use the Courts, the police, the school,
the parents of their teen's friends, ACT 53,outpatient, church pastors, family therapists, support group meetings, (who turn over every last stone.)
To mothers who refuse to give up on their drug-driven teens
but who refuse to enable one more month, week, day or even minute
because they know how horrible each enabling act can be.
To mothers who rise above the fear- who stand up to their teenager
even though they are scared - scared of death but scared of more-
scared that teenagers will love them no more.
To mothers who agree to be the bad guy
and stand up to their teenagers every time they get high.
To mothers who have from time to time seen their teen get it together and experience the sober-mind.
To mothers who have seen some great turn-around
and this brings about the joy you have sought.
And yet even so- this is to you mothers who still live in fear
that even when things are going good that the disease is still there.
Happy Mothers Day as you strive to make things right,
because you fight this fight at great sacrifice.
There are no greater heroes, be they large or small,
who can hold a candle to you all.
