So your teenager is at Abraxas, Ridgeview, or Gateway and he is going to have his first block of time at home. Perhaps it's four hours, eight hours or several nights. What are the most important things to keep in mind?
1. Friends: Home passes are not to spend with friends. They are for family. Make that clear before you start the home pass. If your teenager has a problem with that then don't take him on the home pass. Some institutions make this clear to parents and some do not. This is a chance to flex some parent-muscle and demonstrate that things are going to be different from now on.
2. Home passes are triggers for teens. Supervise your teenager every minute or as close to that as you can: Consider that some teenagers are going to get high on home passes and some will even smuggle drugs back into the rehab. One girl that I used to work with went was on a home pass from Abraxas. She went out to get the mail. Unknown to her parents, she had already arranged with a friend via phone call to have some Heroin dropped off in the mail box. She went back to Abraxas high, smuggled heroin into Abraxas and got busted. The Mom was shocked. "I was with her every minute." Don't underestimate your teen. A home pass is a big relapse trigger.
3. Check your teenagers bedroom with a fine tooth comb before you bring him back home: Often this is when parents find drugs and money. Not only drugs but money should be confiscated because it was probably drug dealing money. Sometimes they hide things in the basement too.
4. Take him to a 12-step meeting: Choose a meeting labeled "open." This means that non-addicts (probably that describes you) are also allowed in the meeting. Go into the meeting with him but if he chooses a discussion group then let him enter that himself. Be there when he comes out of the discussion group. Ask him what he liked about the meeting. Try to get him to chat about his experience. See what your teens reaction is towards the meeting in general because this is a good way to get a read on how serious your teen is about his recovery.
5. Don't allow your teen to be in charge of the home pass: Show your teenager that you are not afraid to assume some leadership. You don't have to go the mall and walk around aimlessly. That is where he will run into peers. Anytime you suspect that your teenager wants to go to a certain place because he will run into peers, don't agree to go.
In fact you don't have to listen to loud music in the car unless you really like that kind of thing. Who is really in charge? If your teenager insists that you do what he wants because he has been cooped up in a rehab and it's only fair tell him he doesn't have to come on the home pass. Once again, it's time to show who is in charge. If you allow your teenager to be the one in charge on the home pass he has every reason to think that once he is released back home he will be in charge then too.
6. Decide whether or not you are going to let your teenager smoke cigarettes on the home pass and stick to your decision. This is a values thing. For example, your teenager is not allowed to smoke cigarettes in the rehab (unless he is in an adult rehab); therefore, don't allow him to smoke when he is off grounds because he is still a resident of that institution and he should continue to follow the rules. This is often a big point of contention. It is another place that parents can flex some parent-muscles.
Exceptions to this smoking rule might be if you smoke and you plan to smoke in front of him. That might be cruel. If he is 18 or over, the rehab might not care if he smokes on his home pass- check with his counselor and see how he feels about it.
If it has been bothering you that your teenager smokes cigarettes, especially if he is not old enough to purchase them himself, then this is not the time to go soft and decide to buy him a pack. Send him a message that says, "I don't approve and I will not enable you to smoke. Don't smoke on the home pass and if that is going to be a too difficult rule for you to follow, then don't take the home pass- just stay here in the rehab where you can follow the rules."
7. Don't try to make every moment a teachable moment: Your teen gets plenty of that in the rehab. Give him a break. Relax. Try to have a little fun. It's OK if you do something that he likes to do, like a movie or eating out at his favorite place. This might sound like a contradiction to #5, the "don't let your teen be in charge" but it's not. You are in charge and you should certainly plan to do some things that your teenager likes to do but, once again, if it looks like he is trying to use that to hook up with old friends or if they think they can torture you with rap music in the car that you hate- that's a different story!
8. Consider the music your teenager is listening to on the home pass- does it have a negative message? Then don't permit it. Confiscate it.
9. Don't be afraid to make your teenager angry. The success of the home pass is not going to be evaluated on how smooth it goes. In fact, this is the time to take the bull by the horns. If he can't handle a bit of supervision, and he flips out, then you carry that information back to the therapist. Now you've generated some therapeutic grist for the therapy mill. In other words, now the therapist has something important to discuss with your teenager. Likewise, if your teen decides not to go on the home pass, then the therapist can raise his eyebrows and pay attention to the fact that your teen doesn't even want to go off grounds unless he can call the shots. Ooops, that doesn't sound like someone who is ready for release, does it?
10. Don't keep secrets. No matter how small, if your teenager asks you not to tell his therapist that he has done something, e.g., smoked, saw a friend, has a fight with you, ran off without supervision, failed to attend a 12-step meeting, or just about anything else that he thought it important enough to ask you not to report on- DON'T do it. Secrets keep us sick and, once again, if you keep secrets on home passes, he has every right to expect you to keep secrets once he released back home. This is where he will try to guilt you. "Awww you're going to ruin everything! Just when I worked so hard! You don't want me to come home at all, do you? Click here to read more on how teenagers guilt parents on a regular basis as a manipulative technique.
Parents of PSST: please let me know what other things you think are important to consider by leaving a comment. If you are having trouble leaving a comment you can email to me at lloyd.woodward@court.allegheny.pa.us
Home pass from institution. 10 things to keep in mind!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, July 09, 2009
Alert! New Schedule in effect so this is our ONLY meeting at Wexford in July.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, July 06, 2009
Lets hope for a nice turnout on July 11th. Our Wexford chapter has at times been our biggest meeting. I also think we have some good news to share about one or two teens whose parents have been suporting the Wexford PSST. Parent helping parent is a powerful thing...and we see it all the time in PSST.
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Power statement: I am disappointed...
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, July 02, 2009
It is much more powerful to say "I am disappointed that you didn't stay home when I told you to stay home," than it is to say "It's disappointing that you didn't stay home."
Both comments technically mean the same thing; however, the first one personalizes what is going on and hits a ten on the power meter. The second one impersonalizes what is going on. The second one could be referring to the stock market or a movie but the first one is talking about being hurt or let down or feeling betrayed.
Depending on what exactly happened, we should be careful not to overuse this power phrase. Keep it handy for things that are really important.
Mom: I am very disappointed that, after we talked about this and talked about how important this is to me, that you did not stay home yesterday. When I got home from work you were already gone.
Daughter: I asked Dad. He said I could go. You're not the only parent here you know!
Mom: Dad was not here when you and I talked. I am disappointed that you would ask Dad when I was already clear with you on this.
Daughter: You act like I don't do anything good around here. I did a load of laundry before I went out you know- that was to help you out- and look at all the changes I've made since I've quit using drugs. And I'm staying clean. And I gave up all my old friends. Nothing I do is ever good enough for you!
Mom: You have made a lot of changes. You are busy changing yourself. I do appreciate the effort you made by throwing in a load of laundry. Remind me that we need to talk about the best ways to do laundry- but you are so right honey, you are changing and you are making a effort.
Daughter: [glaring]
Mom: Listen, you know when you were doing drugs, I didn't have a lot of control over you. As parents, your father and I really struggle to keep in control here.
Daughter: So?
Mom: I like the changes you're making. You father and I are making some changes too. It's hard to change. We want to be better parents and we want to do a better job of holding you and your sisters accountable. So...
Daughter: Oh is the part where you get tough on us? (sarcastically uttered)
Mom: Yes- for example- I need to know that if you and I talk and I make it clear that you will not go out- that you will not go out. I need to know that you won't go ask you father for a different answer or that you won't just walk out on me anyways. I need to trust that you will be here when I need you to be here even when you don't agree with me and even when you get mad about it.
Daughter: You'll never trust me Mom. That's just the way you are.
Mom: Nevertheless, I need to know that you'll be here when I tell you to be here. I have asked your therapist from the rehab to meet with us and help all of us come up with a contract. From now on, your father and I will be holding you accountable for your behavior. We haven't been good at this in the past but we are going to try it again. I need your help. I need you to work with us.
Daughter: What do you mean hold us accountable? In what way?
Mom: It's going to involve a lot of stuff that you won't like. You'll be pretty mad about it. You know stuff like taking away TV, cell phone, computer privileges, not giving you the money that we would have given you - stuff like that.
Daughter: It's not going to work! I'll go out anyways.
Mom: I'm disappointed. I hoped that I could count on you to help us out.
Daughter: Not if you're going to take my sh*# away!
Mom: Well, right. OK. That's your position. Thanks for making your position clear. You'll have to make your own decisions about these things and were going to do what we have to do, but at least we can all sit down and talk about the contract. That way you'll have a chance to tell your side of the story. But in the meantime you are grounded. If you go out anyways then your father and I will talk about cancelling your phone and pulling the plug on your TV and computer. Now I didn't want to do that without letting you know first that it could happen. I'm letting you know now. I have informed your father that you are grounded so now that he knows he won't be agreeing to let you out.
Daughter: Why? Give me one good reason why I should be grounded.
Mom: OK sure. But you and I could talk all night about this one, honey, and I won't convince you that you should be grounded. So, I'll tell you why one time and then we'll drop it because I know you don't and you won't agree with this. [Mom then gives a brief explanation that might be something like: "You continue to associate with your old friends that use drugs. That is unacceptable."]
Daughter: [glares] You can take my phone I still won't stay home.
Mom: That's going to be up to you. If you're sure you can turn your phone into me now. It's up to you. Think about it- I gotta go put those clothes in the laundry again. Oh honey, I love it that you did a load of laundry- Thank You So Much. Now let me show you how you can do that better next time, OK?
July 4th Meeting at Eastern cancelled due to holiday. Happy 4th!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, June 24, 2009
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There is parking around the back if you need it (Outreach June 20th Grand Opening)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, June 15, 2009
New Meeting Schedule
Meeting this Saturday will be only one this month at Alliance Office.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, June 11, 2009
Our new meeting schedule allows for one meeting each month at each of our three locations. We had a great turnout, eleven parents, at our last Wexford meeting. Thanks to all of you who have made the Wexford meeting a success. We have enjoyed a nice mix of veteran PSST parents and newer members.
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New Meeting Schedule
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, June 04, 2009
Starting this month in June we will be adding a Saturday Morning Meeting in Mt. Lebanon and altering the meeting schedule for our other meetings. Thanks to Outreach Teen and Family Services for sponsoring our new meeting location!
First Saturday Each Month: Eastern Probation office in Wilkinsburg.
Second Saturday: Alliance Office in Wexford.
Third Saturday: New location at Outreach Teen and Family Services in Mt. Lebanon 666 Washington Rd Mt Lebanon, PA 15228
The door to Outreach is right underneath the Stevenson Williams Co. sign, about the middle of the building. Click on the picture to the right to be connected to Google Maps. We have also added this location to our other two located on the left margin of this blog.
Outreach has a nice set of offices on the second floor. We have a very comfortable room to meet in and access to making coffee.
Our first meeting at our new location is scheduled for June 20th. Same time as our other meetings: 9:00 AM to 11:30 AM. There is parking around the back of the building and a walk-way from the back to the front so that you can still enter through the front door.
Should I try to get my teenager a Juvenile Probation Officer?
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, May 25, 2009
Sometimes parents in group hear other parents talk about how helpful it was to have a Juvenile Probation Officer (JPO) for their teenager. This post will deal with the pros and cons to having a JPO and also cover the process of how Juvenile Court determines which teenagers to supervise. Also, if a parent decides that it would be a good idea to get a JPO to help supervise thier teenager, it is not necessarily an easy thing to do.
First, we'll cover the process for getting a JPO and we will follow that with the downside and upside of having one for your teenager. Before you decide whether or not to go down this road make sure to read the downside part too.
What is the process to getting your teenager a JPO?
1. There has to be an allegation that your teenager has broken the law in Allegheny County and that this event occurred before your teenager turned 18. Sometimes a parent could file an allegation against a teenager such as Theft, Assault, Terroristic Threats, Possession of Drugs or Possession of Drug Paraphernalia. This is why it is often smart for parents to keep any drugs that they find available so that they can be used to get their teenager a JPO. Keep in mind, your teenager could be charged with any criminal allegation, it's just that the charges just mentioned are the ones that are most often generated by parents.
2. Any criminal allegation can be filed with a Police Officer (if they will accept it) or by a concerned citizen, such as a parent, directly with the Intake Department of Juvenile Probation. For the former, you would call 911 and report the crime. For the latter, you would contact the Intake Department , Allegheny County Juvenile Court, 550 Fifth Ave., Pittsburgh PA 15219.
Just because an allegation has been filed, that does not mean that Juvenile Court will schedule a hearing. Probation Intake Department can not file every allegation with the Court. Some allegations are "adjusted." That means that it never goes to Court for a hearing; however, even if your allegation against your teenager is adjusted, your teen might have a chance to speak with an Intake Officer from Juvenile Probation. Sometimes they are given a chance to "straighten up or else we'll send this case before the Judge."
Sometimes, there is no contact at all; the District Attorney might just decide that the case has no real merit. If and when this happens to you it is possible that your will feel that you are getting the run-around from the bureaucracy. Keep in mind, however, that Juvenile Court was not set up to address out-of-control teenagers, and while it might be helpful to have a JPO involved with your teenager, it is simply not always possible.
3. A parent of an out-of-control drug abusing teenager can request help from Juvenile Court because of several things happening at once. First, the teenager is breaking the law simply by abusing alcohol or drugs.
Secondly, many parents are actually the victims of crimes committed by their teenagers, such as Theft, Assault, or Terroristic Threats.
And finally, most out-of-control drug abusing teens are presenting some risk to the community at large and community safety is also a responsibility of Juvenile Probation.
Of course, none of these concerns mean very much unless some kind of delinquent (criminal) act can be either proven in a courtroom or at least be potentially proven in a courtroom. The word potential is used here is because it's really the allegation of wrongdoing that gets the ball rolling in Juvenile Court. Somtimes the Court makes a finding of Delinquency and sometimes it is not necessary to prove it and the Court can still offer supervision.
What's the downside of having a JPO?
1. First, we offer no guarantees. Many parents will tell you that having a JPO helped keep their child free from drug abuse until their teen finally pulled out of it. Other parents will tell you that not only did the Court offer little help but that the involvement of the court was counter-productive, e.g., the court placement of their teen only lead to him making further criminal contacts or because he became "institutionalized" by various court placements.
2. Secondly, it could be that your teenager will end up with a criminal record, albeit a Juvenile Criminal Record. Does this always happen? No. But it can happen. Even if your teenager's case is adjudicated, often times today a Judge will issue a Consent Decree. If this happens your teenager has from three months to a year to show that he can follow the rules, quit his abuse of drugs, and basically be a good citizen. If he is successful, he will not have a Juvenile Criminal Record. If he is not successful, he may end up being adjudicated delinquent and then have a Juvenile Criminal Record. How problematic can it be to have a Juvenile Criminal Record and can such a record ever be expunged? It depends on several factors and yes, cases can later be expunged, however, that usually involves hiring an attorney and having them file for Expungement.
There is no way to be assured how problematic it may be to have a Juvenile Court record. The records are not exactly open to the public, however, with a signed release these records can be opened up and examined. Therefore, it could affect your teenager's options later on in life although it would appear that this does not really happen very often. Sometimes, it depends on how serious the record is, e.g., is it a Felony Violation or a Misdemeanor? Keep in mind also that a Juvenile Record is not considered as much of a drawback in hiring as an adult Criminal Record. In fact, some people say that if your are asked by a prospective employer if you have ever been convicted of a crime, and all you have is a Juvenile Record, you can say "no," with the idea being that you have been Adjudicated Delinquent not convicted of a crime. Everyone does not agree with this stance; however it appears to be conventional wisdom.
The reason that some cases don't generate a Delinquent Record and some cases do is a bit confusing. First of all, there is always some kind of a record of what happened; however, there is not always a Court Finding that a teenager has broken the law. This is because some cases remain with the Intake Department for adjustments. In these cases an Intake Officer is acting as a Probation Officer but the case may never see the inside of a courtroom.
Also, even if a case does see the inside of a courtroom, a Consent Decree may be issued. The Judge offers a Consent Decree when he feels that there is proof of criminal behavior but he would like to give the juvenile a chance to complete a period of Court supervision successfully without making a Court Finding of Delinquency, therefore there is no record of Delinquency. Of course, if things don't go well the case comes back into Court and the Judge may issue a Finding of Delinquency the second time around. If things do go well the charges end up being dismissed.
3. Once you have some form of Court Supervision established you loose control over your teenager's case. But remember, this is exactly why ou want a JPO: you can't control your teenager and you need help to control him and keep him safe. Of course, the Court will usually be concerned with a parent's opinion. Parents do not make the final decision regarding Conditions of Supervision or make the decision about out-of-home placement or the use of a specific in-patient drug treatment program.
One parent in Allegheny County, Lori, has written this about placement of her teenage addict into the Abraxas drug treatment program: "There is help out there and The Juvenile Court of Allegheny County is the best-kept secret we have in Western PA." The point being that while you loose some control you gain the possibility of placing your teenager in a safe place isolated from drugs when needed.
4. There are some feel-bad problems with having a Probation Officer for your teenager:
You have to go and get involved in the system to make it work. It's success is not automatic. it can be messy and you may at times be very uncomfortable. You have to go to the court hearings. If your teenager is placed at Shuman Center then he will be brought to court by the Sheriffs in a jump suit and shackles. In Court, you will have to tell the Judge all the bad things that your teen has done, including their drug abuse. And you may be cross-examined by your child's Public Defender or Court Appointed Attorney. You will do this so that you can convince the Judge to help you save your teenager's life; however, your teenager will hear this and he may indeed blame you for putting him in a teenager-jail.
5. If your teenager is placed outside of your home, e.g., in a drug rehab, there are costs involved that the Country will compel you to contribute towards based on your ability to pay. The County considers this child support because you would normally be paying for your child's food and clothing so you should not get a benefit because your child is ill. Sometimes the amount of child support is substantial. There is usually no way to know ahead of time exactly how much the whole cost will be. Based on the experience of some parents in the group, the County treats your portion of the payment as a no interest loan and allows you to pay it back at zero interest over a long period of time. Again, these payback policies can change at any time. It may help to think of it this way, someone has to pay for these expenses and if not you as a parent it will be you as a tax payer.
Addiction is a family disease and you may have to take these steps to help your whole family heal so your child can heal.
6. If your teenager is placed outside of your home he may be exposed and influenced by other criminals and other drug-abusing teenagers. This is unpredictable, but sometimes it may seem like your teenager is being sent to a school to learn how to commit crime or how to improve drug connections. This is one primary reason why Juvenile Probation often works to limit a child's penetration into the Court system; because the Court System itself can sometimes have a negative influence on a teenager.
Now, let's look at the upside of having a JPO.
1. Your teenager will be held accountable for his behavior. Often the consequences are administered quickly and often it is the parent who administers the consequences although things like continued drug abuse and criminal behavior is usually handled by the JPO.
2. Short and long-term inpatient drug treatment is available for your
teenager that would be difficult if not impossible for you to obtain with
your own insurance. Although as mentioned above, the County may compel you to share in the costs of this treatment based on your income and the normal expenses you would have if your child was not ill.
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3. The possibility exists to place your teenager in a safe place isolated from drugs when needed. Shuman Center can be a scary place but when it is compared to having your teenager out on the streets doing drugs it looks pretty safe.
4. There is often support available for the whole family from other outside agencies once your have a JPO, e.g., Wesley Spectrum In-home Family Services is appreciated by many families and if your teenager has a JPO there is no charge.
5. A JPO can be an advocate that wants the best for your teenager and for your family. A JPO is someone who is on your side who will help you do the right thing for your teenager when you can't.
Now that we have covered the process of attempting to get a JPO and the various pros and cons of having one, here are a couple of final questions to ask yourself before you decide whether or not to pursue this:
1. How desperate are you? Is the issue with your teenager a life or death issue? Are you worried that you will have to attend your child's funeral? Do you worry that your child is going to be hurt? If the answer to that question is yes, then you may want to consider involving your teen in the Court. Better to deal with a possible juvenile court record and exposure to other delinquents than to attend your teenager's funeral and drug abuse is life-threatening.
2. Have you done everything possible without involving the Juvenile Court system? Have you tried Outpatient Counseling? Have you tried to arrange a drug/ alcohol evaluation for your teenager? Perhaps your teenager would cooperate with a therapist and participate in treatment where he would be drug tested regularly.
3. Have you tried ACT 53? Read what other parents have said about Act 53 . This offers a way for parents of teenagers with drug problems to force their teens to accept drug treatment without running the risk of having a Juvenile Criminal Court record. Of course, there are pros and cons of using ACT 53 but it is generally considered a good thing to try BEFORE you attempt to get a JPO for your teenager. Many parents that attend PSST have used Act 53. If you would like more information concerning the ACT 53 law, policies or procedures, please contact the Allegheny County Drug and Alcohol Services Unit at 412-350-3952.
4. Have you attended PSST or other Parent Support Group meetings? If you live in an area where there are PSST meetings (presently, they are all held in Allegheny County) it is good idea to come to one and meet and talk with other parents who have used the Court system. We are lucky to have a core-group of "veteran parents" in Allegheny County who are willing to offer advice and help to parents who are desperate to find some hope for their teenager. If you either can not attend or would like to speak with a parent or Probation Officer, then email us at kene@nauticom.net. There are other Parent Support Groups such as POTADA or parent groups run by All OF US CARE.
5. Are you willing to cooperate with a JPO? This means not keeping secrets and making a full disclosure of all actions by your teenager even when you know that this disclosure might result in immediate sanctions. If you are not willing to make this disclosure then you undermine the job that a JPO can do for your teenager. There are several reasons why this is really important but for now suffice it to say that usually Juvenile Probation does not fix what's wrong with your teenager so much as stand behind you while you provide the fix.
If the answer to any of these questions is "No," then perhaps you should think twice before going down this road. On the other hand, if you know that you have tried everything you can do to address your teenager's drug problem, and things just keep getting worse, then just waiting around for things to get better might be the most dangerous decision you could make.
Stay Close: a mother's story of her son's addiction - Book Signing
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Sunday, May 24, 2009
Memorial Weekend Day Meeting is ON!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, May 21, 2009
Free Tools! Need new tools to use on your teenager?
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, May 21, 2009
We got em at our meetings. Come on in and pick up some new ones! Our goal is to give every parent something to take home and use the same day. Often, we have parents at our meetings that have been working at this longer and they may recommend certain tools that you can use right out of the box!
We cover things like
Active Listening,
"I feel messages" rather than "you messages."
Limit Setting,
Effective Use of Body Language,
How to reach out into the Community for Help (ACT 53, Juvenile Court, etc.)
Alternatives to Yelling,
How to approach the oppositional defiant (by first agreeing with something that they say),
Contracts,
Consistent application of rules,
Using discipline to send a message,
How to Best Stop Enabling.
We cover the primary ways that your teenager is manipulating you. Best of all, we do this with you. We want to know where you are and what tool will best help you today. That's why we sometimes ask you to show us in a role-play what your teenager is like. That helps us know what tool might best help you today. Of course, no one is pressured into "doing role-plays." Sometimes it's better just to watch one anyway; however, when you show us what your teenager is doing it helps us come up with the right tool for you.
Pittsburgh native writes about her son's drug addiction in 'Stay Close'
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Tuesday, May 19, 2009
When Libby Cataldi noticed her oldest son frequently tromping around with untied shoelaces, she thought he was trying to fit in with his skateboarder friends. She never guessed that it was because he was shooting heroin into his feet, causing them to swell. In her new book, "Stay Close: A Mother's Story of Her Son's Addiction" (St. Martin's Press, $24.95), the 58-year-old native of Kennedychronicles her struggle with her son's addiction and the process that eventually helped her support him without enabling his addiction.
Click to Read more: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/09138/970871-51.stm#ixzz0Fx90AlHk&B
Meeting at Eastern tommorrow not a combo meeting; hoping for a nice turnout.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, May 15, 2009
Our attendance at Eastern has been down lately. We are hoping for some new parents and/ or for the return of some parents that we don't see very often. If you have been thinking of coming in to one of our meetings, why not make it tomorrow?
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Nephew Part II. Punishment verses disclipine (and Homework.)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, May 15, 2009
Once we got the morning thing straightened out we suddenly had a homework problem. After my nephew's ball game he came home with us and refused to do his homework. For one thing we told him we wanted it done before he got a night time snack. He started yelling and it was obvious that he was yelling to be noticed and in an attempt to intimidate us. We tried to ignore him. He got louder and louder and came into the kitchen and started slamming his hands on the table. That's when I reached my limit.
I took him by the shoulders and asked him if he would settle down or else would he like to go upstairs with me. He immediately got louder. So I took him upstairs. He is a big boy. I'm not sure my wife could do it this same way although I didn't so much carry him as I did just inch him up the steps to the bedroom.
Once in the bedroom he continued to scream and yell even louder. He also tried to get out of the bedroom but I was standing by the door. When he tried to squeeze past me I just hugged him. He was angry and told me to get away from him. I reminded him that he was coming to me- I wasn't coming to him- I thought he must want a hug.
He kept yelling that he was hungry. I reinterated our stance- no homework- no snack. He tried to turn the TV on. I reinterated our stance on that- no homework- no TV. I told him to go to bed and I would get him up at 5:00 AM to do his homework. I could see that he didn't like that.
His primary manipulative strategy was to yell me into submission. I kind of egged him on a little in that regard. I pretended that I couldn't hear him and I ask him to speak up because I know he is oppositinal defiant to the point where me telling him to yell louder is going to make him want to not yell. He yelled pretty loudly for about 20 minutes. Then he started to cry. Why so sad I asked him, after all, he got his way- he didn't do his homework. He said he wanted to do his homework now. I said, "Well, ya, but how do I know you won't come downstairs and start yelling again?" He assured me he was done with the yelling, he just wanted to do his homework. He appeared all yelled out and his whole demenor had changed. He was no longer trying to yell me into submission but he was wishing that he could have got that home work done.
This is the difference in my book from punishment and disclipline. I only want to use enough power to get his behavior within limits. That's all. If I was trying to punish him I would have sent him to bed or made him stay in his room a certain lenth of time "so that he could learn a lesson." I think he did learn the lesson. The lesson was that his yelling doesn't work. So, I told him he could come downstairs whenever he felt that he could controll himself and I went downstairs.
Five minutes later he came downstairs. My wife did homework with him. Only took 15 minutes. Then he had Chicken Nuggets, one of his favorites. I made small talk with him. He seemed to bear no resentment. He declined desert and said that he was very tired and could he go to sleep. We said sure brush teeth and go to bed but remember that you will get up and go to school on time in the morning. He said he would. And he did. The next morning was no problem at all.
Our nephew seems to have two different personalities. He is the sweetest most polite kid around or he is angry, defiant, and intimidating. He snaps between the two instantly. Our goal is to reward the first one and either ignore or restrict him on the other.
One of the things that I did not do was try to yell back at him. It was not necessary and the resentment that would creep into the relationship would be intense. If you find that you are yelling at your child to control him, read this article: Researchers Have Shown that Yelling at Kids Can Have Long Lasting and Detrimental Consequences.
Just wondering if any parents reading this blog can think back to when their child was 8 years old. Had the trouble already started? Was he demanding, pushy, and intimidating in order to get his own way? Leave us a comment about that please.
I see a connection between these kids at from 8 to 10 years old and the teens that they grow into. At some point they learn that they can get what they want by defiance and intimdation. By the time they are 12 and start to experiment with drugs they are already well on their way to being almost impossible to handle.
Note: the image is from licensed CreataCard Software.
