Stay Close: a mother's story of her son's addiction - Book Signing
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Sunday, May 24, 2009
Memorial Weekend Day Meeting is ON!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, May 21, 2009
Free Tools! Need new tools to use on your teenager?
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, May 21, 2009
We got em at our meetings. Come on in and pick up some new ones! Our goal is to give every parent something to take home and use the same day. Often, we have parents at our meetings that have been working at this longer and they may recommend certain tools that you can use right out of the box!
We cover things like
Active Listening,
"I feel messages" rather than "you messages."
Limit Setting,
Effective Use of Body Language,
How to reach out into the Community for Help (ACT 53, Juvenile Court, etc.)
Alternatives to Yelling,
How to approach the oppositional defiant (by first agreeing with something that they say),
Contracts,
Consistent application of rules,
Using discipline to send a message,
How to Best Stop Enabling.
We cover the primary ways that your teenager is manipulating you. Best of all, we do this with you. We want to know where you are and what tool will best help you today. That's why we sometimes ask you to show us in a role-play what your teenager is like. That helps us know what tool might best help you today. Of course, no one is pressured into "doing role-plays." Sometimes it's better just to watch one anyway; however, when you show us what your teenager is doing it helps us come up with the right tool for you.
Pittsburgh native writes about her son's drug addiction in 'Stay Close'
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Tuesday, May 19, 2009
When Libby Cataldi noticed her oldest son frequently tromping around with untied shoelaces, she thought he was trying to fit in with his skateboarder friends. She never guessed that it was because he was shooting heroin into his feet, causing them to swell. In her new book, "Stay Close: A Mother's Story of Her Son's Addiction" (St. Martin's Press, $24.95), the 58-year-old native of Kennedychronicles her struggle with her son's addiction and the process that eventually helped her support him without enabling his addiction.
Click to Read more: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/09138/970871-51.stm#ixzz0Fx90AlHk&B
Meeting at Eastern tommorrow not a combo meeting; hoping for a nice turnout.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, May 15, 2009
Our attendance at Eastern has been down lately. We are hoping for some new parents and/ or for the return of some parents that we don't see very often. If you have been thinking of coming in to one of our meetings, why not make it tomorrow?
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Nephew Part II. Punishment verses disclipine (and Homework.)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, May 15, 2009
Once we got the morning thing straightened out we suddenly had a homework problem. After my nephew's ball game he came home with us and refused to do his homework. For one thing we told him we wanted it done before he got a night time snack. He started yelling and it was obvious that he was yelling to be noticed and in an attempt to intimidate us. We tried to ignore him. He got louder and louder and came into the kitchen and started slamming his hands on the table. That's when I reached my limit.
I took him by the shoulders and asked him if he would settle down or else would he like to go upstairs with me. He immediately got louder. So I took him upstairs. He is a big boy. I'm not sure my wife could do it this same way although I didn't so much carry him as I did just inch him up the steps to the bedroom.
Once in the bedroom he continued to scream and yell even louder. He also tried to get out of the bedroom but I was standing by the door. When he tried to squeeze past me I just hugged him. He was angry and told me to get away from him. I reminded him that he was coming to me- I wasn't coming to him- I thought he must want a hug.
He kept yelling that he was hungry. I reinterated our stance- no homework- no snack. He tried to turn the TV on. I reinterated our stance on that- no homework- no TV. I told him to go to bed and I would get him up at 5:00 AM to do his homework. I could see that he didn't like that.
His primary manipulative strategy was to yell me into submission. I kind of egged him on a little in that regard. I pretended that I couldn't hear him and I ask him to speak up because I know he is oppositinal defiant to the point where me telling him to yell louder is going to make him want to not yell. He yelled pretty loudly for about 20 minutes. Then he started to cry. Why so sad I asked him, after all, he got his way- he didn't do his homework. He said he wanted to do his homework now. I said, "Well, ya, but how do I know you won't come downstairs and start yelling again?" He assured me he was done with the yelling, he just wanted to do his homework. He appeared all yelled out and his whole demenor had changed. He was no longer trying to yell me into submission but he was wishing that he could have got that home work done.
This is the difference in my book from punishment and disclipline. I only want to use enough power to get his behavior within limits. That's all. If I was trying to punish him I would have sent him to bed or made him stay in his room a certain lenth of time "so that he could learn a lesson." I think he did learn the lesson. The lesson was that his yelling doesn't work. So, I told him he could come downstairs whenever he felt that he could controll himself and I went downstairs.
Five minutes later he came downstairs. My wife did homework with him. Only took 15 minutes. Then he had Chicken Nuggets, one of his favorites. I made small talk with him. He seemed to bear no resentment. He declined desert and said that he was very tired and could he go to sleep. We said sure brush teeth and go to bed but remember that you will get up and go to school on time in the morning. He said he would. And he did. The next morning was no problem at all.
Our nephew seems to have two different personalities. He is the sweetest most polite kid around or he is angry, defiant, and intimidating. He snaps between the two instantly. Our goal is to reward the first one and either ignore or restrict him on the other.
One of the things that I did not do was try to yell back at him. It was not necessary and the resentment that would creep into the relationship would be intense. If you find that you are yelling at your child to control him, read this article: Researchers Have Shown that Yelling at Kids Can Have Long Lasting and Detrimental Consequences.
Just wondering if any parents reading this blog can think back to when their child was 8 years old. Had the trouble already started? Was he demanding, pushy, and intimidating in order to get his own way? Leave us a comment about that please.
I see a connection between these kids at from 8 to 10 years old and the teens that they grow into. At some point they learn that they can get what they want by defiance and intimdation. By the time they are 12 and start to experiment with drugs they are already well on their way to being almost impossible to handle.
Note: the image is from licensed CreataCard Software.
Nephew off to school on time (or When bribery wins the battle but looses the war!)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Tuesday, May 12, 2009
He throws a temper tantrum. He passively resists. He begins to scream and hyperventilate. He is big for a Second Grader and he just puts up a heck of a fight. Yesterday, I had left for work and my wife struggled with him and finally got him to school late.
We talked with his mother. She says the thing that works best is to tell him that if he gets ready for school, there will be some special treat after school, like going somewhere that he likes. Apparently, this often works with him; however, it does not always work or else he would not have attendance and tardiness issues.
Here's the problem with bribery. It reinforces bad behavior. If you are yelling, screaming, and generaly being a pain and I come up and promise you something nice, then you are going to learn that if you yell, scream, and be a pain that you will be rewarded. Remember: kids are smart. They can figure things out much better than we give them credit for. My nephew has figured out two important things.
Now he is in Second Grade. Imagine him with 50 more pounds and two extra feet. That's what we will have to deal with when he is a teenager. He will be much harder to get to school then.
We passed on the bribery. Not going to happen. He has to go to school because it's the law that he go to school every day and because we have to get to work. We aren't promising him anything special for doing what he is suppossed to do every day. We know he can get up and get ready and go to school and that's what we expect.
Here's what I did last night to prepare him for going to school on time. I picked him up at his Grandparents. In the car I told him that tomorrow he was going to go to school on time. He said he wasn't going to go to school on time. I replied that he would certainly go on time and that we would make sure of it. He wanted to know why we would do that and I told him that was a good question but sorry I don't have a real good answer- it's just the way it is. He got rather mouthy and informed me that he hated school and he didn't see why going in on time was important. I agreed that sometimes school sucks.
Before he got out of the car I asked him to help me check my Child Care Locks on the door (I sometimes call them Shuman Locks I explained to him because I often take Juveniles to Shuman Center in the my car and I put these locks on so that they can't escape.) By doing this he could see that once I put him my back seat, he was not going to open the door and jump out.
Once we got inside we had a talk. My wife and explained to him that she had to go to work early and that I was going to be the only one home in the morning with him. I told him we could wake him up very early so that he could have time to get ready for school and that, regardless, we would be leaving on time.
He paid attention. His had a look of incredulousness on his face, as though he found the whole thing unbelievable. Then, my wife and I (we had already come to understanding between the two of us) asked him what did he think would happen if he refused to get dressed for school?
Later, when he was in the bathtub he began screaming and yelling. Nothing in particular, just screaming and yelling. We figured he wasn't drowning as long as he was making all that noise and we pretty much ignored it. I think he was attempting to intimidate us by showing us what he was capable of if we crossed him. Think of a gorrila beating his chest just to show the other apes that they better not mess with him. Also, at this point if we were to have insisted that he stop yelling he might not have quit it. It could have turned into a pointless powere struggle.
Morning came around. We woke him up early- no problem and no water necessary. My wife put his clothes on a chair by the front door and she left for work. I made breakfast- french toast- one of the few things I can make. I called him for breakfast and he yelled, "I'm coming I'm coming you don't have to keep calling me." I gave him a cheery "that's good, I'm glad to see you're up and coming downstairs." He asked for seconds and that was no problem.
After that everything was incredibly easy. I didn't expect it to be easy. I thought we were going to have a showdown, one that I was sure I would win, but it never happened. I promted him to brush his teeth when he was in the bathroom. He already had. I came downstairs to tell him it was time to get dressed but he already was dressed. In fact, he was standing by the door waiting for me. He was ready first! He had no more questions about why we had to go to school on time- he had accepted that that is just the way it is.
We had a nice early morning chat in the car on the way to school. Nice talk. No beligerance. Just nice talk. We were early for school arriving at 7:33 AM. I chatted with the School Social Worker who was standing outside when I dropped him off. I gave him a big hug and told him I loved him. He said he loved me too and that was it.
Will it be this easy every morning? I doubt it. Did we get lucky? Sure we did. But you know we were prepared to get him to school on time. We had a plan. We told him what the plan was and he believed that we were dead serious. I think having him help me check to make sure the Shuman Locks worked helped him to see how serious we were about it all.
If he needed to be put in the back seat of the car with his clothes handed to him, it probably wouldn't have happened twice. I would have also put the seat belt on him and while he could take it off again, I was planning on contining to put it back on so that we were driving legal. If at some point he agreed to get dressed I would have pulled the car over and allowed him to take off the seat belt and get dressed. And I would have been careful not to lecture him about it too, just to accept that he was now ready to get dressed; however, we would have already been out of the house and down the road a bit before that happened. Once out of the house we were not going back into the house but rather we would continue to school as best we could.
The other thing we told him was that if this turned out to be an ongoing problem we would get him up earlier and earlier each morning to allow the time necessary.
Maybe we just got lucky and dodged a bullit today. Maybe not. But think about how if left to his own devices, this young man might grow up to have serious problems. As long as he is able to decide if and what time he is going to show up at school he is going to have way too much power. Remember the Oil TV comercials? The one where "You can pay me now or you can pay me later?" That's the way it is with going to school on time problems. Take care of it now- or it's going to be harder to take care of it down the road. And by then you don't just have real dirty oil, but you got serious engine problems too.
Bribery: more reading.
Happy Mother's Day! And Enabling with Cell Phones, Computers, Cars and Money!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, May 10, 2009
We have posted this before and in honor of Mother's Day I wanted to post it again; although now we are sending you to another web page that still is able to feature this funny creative version of the William Tell Overture. Enjoy. Truly a Mother's Job is Never Done. Even when your kids are well grown into adulthood. But then again, I guess that's more by choice than anything. Mothers Everywhere- why not really take a day off? You deserve it! Also, for an update about our last Wexford meeting on 5-9-09, click "read more."
We had a nice turn-out: eight parents, three more experienced group members and five newer members. The three more experienced group members injected hope into the room as all three had gone through some very dark times and never expected to get to the "other side" of this teenager drug problem so successfully. The parents who are still struggling had much in common as they shared about defiant and sometimes violent teens still vying for power and in several cases, obviously still abusing drugs.
We talked about how defiant teens are trying to use fear to gain power. The reason for that is that they have no real power otherwise; they are not educated, not very well employed, and not financially able to provide for themselves. Also, they usually feel very little remorse for the terrorizing that they do to their families. In their minds, the parents deserve to be terrorized because they keep interfering in their lives and because they refuse to give them everything they want.
One situation that we talked about is the parent intent on showing their teen that they are not afraid. But we asked, why not be afraid? If your teen has threatened your life for example, who would not be afraid? Therefore, take precautions. Consider safety at all times, and yet, find a way to stand up to them.
It's not so important to not be afraid. In fact, sometimes it is precisely because you are afraid that you are taking the steps you are taking, e.g., having a Police Officer present when you explain to your teen that you are taking his cell phone, that you are filing a charge with the authorities, or that you have had it and you have decided not to allow him to terrorize you any longer. Or if not a Police Officer, a Counselor, a neighbor, a relative. Of course, if you are lucky enough to have a Probation Officer for your teen, then he absolutely needs to be included, but often parents can accomplish much without having a Juvenile Probation Officer in the mix.
Remember, your defiant teen wants to do two things. First, he wants to make you afraid so that he can have the power that he wants. He wants what he wants and when he can get what he wants- that's power. Secondly, he wants to keep the fact that he is terrorizing you as much a secret as possible. The last person he wants to know about this is the police or his relatives, or family friends. He is counting on you to keep it a secret. So don't. Let him know in no uncertain terms that from now on you will broadcast to significant others his use of unacceptable and sometimes criminal tactics. As Ken often points out, sometimes the significant others includes the parents of your teenager's friends. Do they know what your are dealing with as far as aggressive behavior and drug abuse goes. What impact would it have to call each of your teenager's friends parents and tell them, "We just wanted you to know that we are having problems with our son; he is threatening us and we suspect strongly that he is abusing drugs!"
If you are allowing your teen to regularly threaten you without consequences then you may be passively helping to create a criminal. Even though you believe that he does not mean it, some kinds of threats are criminal. Other kinds of threats are not. If he is threatening to hurt or to kill you- bingo- that is a criminal act and in that case you may wish to have a local Police Officer explain to him the possible consequences of that behavior. You do not do your teen a favor by over looking it.
Of course, many will reply to this line of logic that it is different for them because their teen is "Dual Diagnosed." Consider that each teenager of the eight parents that attended our last meeting had a Dual Diagnosed teen (mental health problem plus a drug abuse problem.)
These are the tough teens; however, allowing the Dual Diagnosed teen to manipulate you with fear is not recommended. At some point, you have to stand up to your teen regardless of their psychiatric condition. Should you refer your teen to have a psychiatric evaluation? Of course. Should you follow recommendations of a psychiatrist and try to have your teen take prescribed medications? Of course. In the meantime, however, it is dangerous to let your teen see that he can manipulate you with fear because if he can attain that level of power in your family, it is likely that his substance abuse issues and his mental health issues will continue to grow. If you are trying to have your teens mental health issues addressed but he continues to abuse drugs, good luck. Probably that is not going to work. As long as their drug abuse continues the prognosis for effective mental health treatment is not good.
It's not easy to stand up to a Dual Diagnosed teenager; however, it is not really easy to over look defiant, aggressive and threatening behavior either. If you are going to have a bad day anyway why not have one because you choose to stand up to your defiant teen?
Anther thing that came up again in group is teen cell phone use. Cell phones are considered drug paraphernalia by many parents. The texting that goes on today is more considerable than the actual talking. The biggest reason for parents to allow an irresponsible teenager to continue to carry a cell phone is "so that we can reach him." If this is your stance, ask yourself how that is working for you? Most parents admit that when their teenager doesn't want to be reached by parents he just doesn't answer the cell phone. Or if he does answer he lies about what he is doing, who he is with, and what he is doing. Your teen's cell phone may contain his drug dealer's names. Remember also that teens abuse cell phones in school. It is often not a good idea to allow your teen to carry a cell phone to school. If you think your teen is still doing drugs, pull the cell phone.
Likewise, the computer is a primary way to stay in touch with other kids that abuse drugs. Insist on having your teen register you as a "friend" so that you can view your teens My Space or Facebook page. Try to go to your teen's friends My Space or Face book. What do you see? Are they advertising drug or alcohol abuse by showing pictures of themselves drinking or other provocative things? If you think your teen is still doing drugs, pull the computer privileges.
And the hat trick of teen tools to continue a lifestyle of drug abuse is the car. Is it inconvenient for parents to take a car away from a teenager? Sure. How convenient is it for you to attend a funeral that didn't have to happen? Cars provide drugs in many differerent ways. If you think your teen is still doing drugs, by all means, PULL THE CAR privileges.
So, if your teen is defiant, violent and/ or is still abusing drugs or alcohol, then make sure that you are not doing or giving him anything that can help to enable the lifestyle that he has choosen. Sometimes we only think of money as enabling if we are giving them large amounts of it. But consider that teens tell us that they even save lunch money to buy drugs. If you believe that your teen is still abusing drugs then perhaps reconsider trusting them with any money at all. You might, for example, call the school and see if you can pay direct for lunches. Avoid actually placing any money in your teens hands if you believe that they still abuse drugs. See The Three Best Ways to Stop Enabling for more information.
Then after all these "drug paraphernalia" have been restricted, try to sit back and enjoy Mother's Day. You've really earned it now.
FREE SUPPORT TO FAMILY MEMBERS TOUCHED BY ADDICTION
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Friday, May 08, 2009
ARC Manor is pleased to offer:
Group Topics Include:
- What is Addiction?
- The Disease of Addiction
- Addiction & The Family
- The Recovery Process
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- The Importance of Awareness
- 12-step Support
Friends and family members of those addicted to substances often do not
understand the process of addiction and recovery. ARC Manor seeks to educate
family and friends about the addiction process, while offering a supportive environment in which family
and friends can talk about their struggles and successes.
The Family Education Support Group is open to the public age 18 years or
older.
No registration or Appointment is necessary to attend.
Pa Families Inc
431 Dever Hollow Road
Templeton Pa 16259
1-800-947-4941
pafamilies@comcast.net
www.pafamiliesinc.com
Last minute update: Guest Speaker for tomorrow: Tom M.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, May 01, 2009
Tom M came to Eastern PSST about six weeks ago. For that meeting we had no regular members although we did have a handful of new parents who were dropping their teens off for the Education/ assessment class. We have been hoping that Tom would make a return appearance for our regular members. Tom's message of hope includes a frank and sometimes brutally honest apprasial of his previous drug problems and his relationship with his family. It can be a little rough around the edges and at times he may wander into the vernacular as he describes the way it is; however, the truth he speaks is powerful and his story is riveting. After listening to Tom you may be able to gain insight into your teens relationship with substances. You may also see a new significance to your role as parent.
On April 17th, Tom M was one of a handful of Juvenile Court youth who courageously spoke to hundreds of high school students on Fatal Awareness Day at Robert Morris College. Tom M also shares his message of recovery through his 12-step Hospitals and Institutions program.
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Meeting at Eastern tomorrow is not a combo meeting- just a regular meeting.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, May 01, 2009
We are reconsidering our meeting schedules. Attendance is low at Eastern lately. If you value this location for a meeting, come in and support us. We need you. Hope to see you tomorrow.
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Best ways to stop enabling: what teens in treatment tell us.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, May 01, 2009
We had the opportunity to ask teenagers in treatment and few of their parents what are the best ways to stop enabling. We ask them to come up with the top three.
1. Stop lying, covering up, or making excuses for your teenager, such as calling in sick for him. Even if you think your teenager has a good reason to miss school or to miss a treatment session don't lie when you call in for him. He has a drug problem and he needs to face the music even when you think it's unreasonable. For example, if you lie and say he is sick when he is not then why shouldn't he lie and say he is sick to skip responsibilities that you think he should do? You are creating a monster when you cross this line. If you have done it-own up to it- and tell your teenager that it was a mistake and you won't be covering for him anymore.
This sounds easy. It's not always easy. There is the battle and there is the war. For example, if your teenager has a paper due the next day and he has procrastinated, then allowing him to miss treatment so that he can complete his paperwork might seem like the right thing to do. And if it doesn't happen very often, maybe it is the right thing to do. Reasonable people can disagree on that one; however, when you call in a lie for him and tell the therapist that he is sick, then you have just approved of faking sick to get out of something. That's a mistake that will come back to haunt you. If you approve of him missing the treatment session then call in and say that he procrastinated on a paper and you hope it's OK that he misses one session. Stick to the truth. Probably, it's better if he takes a bad grade and learns that procrastination is a bad policy. Or go to the treatment session and let him stay up late working on the paper. You can win the battle of the grade on the paper but loose the war on substance abuse in part because you are enabling.
2. Do not give or loan your teenager money if you know that they still abuse drugs or if you believe that they may not be able to pay you back on time. Again, this is easier said than done. Teenagers have a way of making it sound entirely reasonable to trust them money when you know from past experience that you should not. Sometimes it is a good idea to suggest alternatives such as, "No, I will not give you the money; if you need new shoes I will go with you to the mall and we will pick out a pair together that don't cost too much." Teenagers want things. Teens in trouble with drugs often want things that they don't deserve, that are unreasonable, etc. Don't trust them with money if you know you can't trust them and don't buy them a lot of stuff they don't need. You can't buy love. Period.
3. Set Boundaries, don't make threats, and stick to them. For example, don't keep secrets from your teenager's therapist, from his PO, or from his other parent if you think the information is significant. Most things are significant. Your boundary could be stated this way: I will not keep secrets for you. Therefore, if he violates his curfew it's not "if you do that one more time, I will tell your father," it's "of course I will tell your father- I don't keep secrets for you." It's not a threat. It's a boundary. Words like "nevertheless" and "regardless" help keep boundaries. Remember, you don't have to continually justify a boundary. It's your boundary- keep it- use it- and don't explain why you do it all the time. Your teenager gets it. He just doesn't like it.
Teenager: If you tell my PO that he is going to put me at Shuman. Is that what you want? You just want to get rid of me don't you?
Mom: Nevertheless, I don't keep secrets from you PO.
Teenager: You're a bit&@.
Mom: Regardless, I will not keep your secrets.
Honorable Mention: All three of our discussion groups came up with this last one as an honorable mention: Do not drink or use drugs with your teenager. When asked why this didn't make the top three on anybody's list the answer we got was "we don't think this would happen very much anyway, but if it did - stopping that would be in the top three."
However, it does happen more often than you would think. Some parents are courageously honest about it treatment. If you have done this, admit it in treatment. Tell your teenager that you have made a mistake. Tell them you will not be doing this anymore. Then, perhaps take your teenager to a meeting and you will find that you can turn this handicap into a strength. If on the other hand you try to keep this important fact a secret then you set a bad example. Once again, Secrets Keep us Sick. Also, consider that using substances in front of your teenager is also usually not a good idea.
Defiance: The Tie For Third Place- Part II
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, April 24, 2009
Defiance and intimidation- tactics that work because we become afraid. As parents we must face our fear first before we can effectively face our teenagers. An analogy that works is terrorism.
Terrorists base everything on fear. They are not really strong enough to win what they want through conventional warfare. Therefore, they attack the Towers in New York. We lose a ton more people to automobile accidents each year than we do to Terrorism. So why do we suddenly become afraid of terrorists and not afraid to get in our car and drive to the store? Because Terrorism is designed to cause fear. That's the whole idea. To impress the victims with ruthlessness.
It seems that the Defiant Teenager has a similar goal, albeit on a much reduced scale. The Defiant Teen hopes to also impress his parents that he is capable of quite a lot in order to have his or her own way. Similarly, the teen is not powerful enough to win his objectives conventionally. He has no real income. He has no real employment other than perhaps ground-level part-time work. He has no real education. We can go on and on. He has no real housing, other than what his parents provide. He has no real transportation except that his parents might help him get a car and help him pay insurance etc. The teenager is absolutely not in a conventional position of power; therefore, he resorts to fear tactics to get what he wants.
Your teenager might be six feet tall and weight 180 lbs. In that context he may seem powerful. Likewise, the terrorist has explosives that can take lives. However, this does not win the day for either one. Once they employ that power the armed forces and the police will respond in force. Once a Terrorist or a Defiant Teenager acts against citizens, including parents, there is going to be heck to pay.
Of course, as a parent you are not just afraid that your teenager will hurt you. That may or may not be a concern of yours. As parents, what other things are you afraid of?
1. Are you afraid that your teen if he acts out his threats, might be arrested? And if he is 18, he could start an adult criminal record?
2. Are you afraid that your teen will get hurt if his defiance leads him to run away?
3. Are you afraid that your teen will be hurt by his own substance abuse or by his own hand in some other way?
4. Are you afraid that your teenager won't love you if stand up to him/ her?
5. Are you afraid that you will carry the guilt if any of that actually happens? Are you afraid that it will be your fault or that you could have done something to prevent this awful thing from happening?
Are these realistic fears? Yes. Still, if you capitulate and allow your teenager to be in control, does it really lessen the likelihood that any of that stuff will happen? No. Once he has control of your house won't he be more likely to employ his defiant tactics elsewhere?
Bottom line: similar to how countries interact with terrorists, once parents allow their fear (or guilt) to dictate their responses, the Defiant Teen has already won. Now we have taught them that Defiance is a great way to get what they want. Now we have taught them that their Defiance is effective.
Meanwhile, we keep waiting for them to "get it." We keep waiting for them to feel bad about what they are doing. We hope that they will come to their senses and realize that they have treated their families horribly. After all, eventually they will see that, right?
The problem with this approach is also analogous to the problem countries have with Terrorists. Neither of them care. In fact, interviews with teens suggest the opposite: that they often have a sense of power and accomplishment when their defiant tactics work to get them what they want. Allow yourself to think about this for a minute. Not only does your defiant teen not feel bad for terrorizing you, but he probably takes some pride in being able to manipulate you so effectively.
As a parent we struggle with this idea. We are in denial. We want to believe that our teenager really cares about our feelings but that he just doesn't understand. He is confused. No- your defiant teenager does not care how his defiance effects you. If he did care, he would not do these things. This is especially true if your defiant teenager is deep in his addiction. Until they get off drugs the only thing they care about is getting more drugs.
I see this time and time again. The teens who threaten to hurt their parents, who threaten to run away, who threaten to commit suicide, who threaten to have a temper tantrum and start breaking up stuff just don't care what effect their behavior has on their families. They don't see themselves as culpable. They really believe that it's your fault. You make them resort to these extreme tactics and if you would just do things differently there would be no problem.
Like the teen that I met for the first time at Abraxas. I asked him want went wrong that he got sent to Abraxas. He said that it was a problem that he had with his mother, but now they have it all worked out and everything will be fine when he goes home. I asked him how that worked. He replied that his mother didn't trust him because she busted him using substances. After that she refused to let him out of the house. Because she didn't trust him to go out, he just went out, angry about the lack of trust that his mother had in him. Then he did every drug he could get his hands on. If she had only trusted him he would not have had to go on that drug binge. Now they had it all worked out because she realizes that she should have trusted him more.
As I heard this I thought Huh? This line of thinking is incredulous; however, this is what your defiant teenagers often think even if they won't tell you that this is what they are thinking. It's all your fault.
Another way to try to see how your defiant teenager sees things is like this: they abuse you verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically. Your teen may feel that if you allow yourself to be abused, then you deserve it. It is all about power, if you don't take the power then you don't deserve it. If the teenager can successfully seize it, then they deserve it.
Our only hope is to stand up to our teenagers. Find a way. Call the police if they are breaking the law. Take their car off of them. Call a rehab and get a Drug evaluation. Take their phones off of them. Take the door off their bedroom. Cut them off from all financial aid. Do it with love. Don't yell. Just act. Charge them with Terroristic Threats. Charge them with Assault. Charge them with Theft. Wake them up in the morning no matter what it takes. Do it every day. Get in their face but keep your voice down. Talk slowly and let them see your resolve. Mean every word of what you say. Surprise them with your determination and with your resolve. Often the outcome is decided by who wants it more. You can want it more.
Keep this in mind. Do you do all this for yourself? Not really. For yourself, you would choose the way of least conflict. You do it for them. You do it so that they can learn that their tactics are not effective. You show them, with as much love as you can muster at the time, that the way in which they are going about having their own way is not working. Not anymore.
Of course, many teenagers turn the corner, embrace recovery from addiction and try to change their lives. Until this happens don't expect your defiant teen to care very much about how you're feeling about all this. Once this turn-the-corner thing happens teenagers may begin to feel for other people and experience remorse for the things that they put their families through.
One last thought: In addition to standing up to your teenager you should make sure that you don't give them increased attention for some of the defiant acts. Temper tantrums draw attention. You can walk away. You can still hold them accountable in some way later, but get away from the yelling and/ or violent teenager. They aren't winning unless you give in so don't do that; but don't feel that you have to stand there in the middle of a temper tantrum. Just walk away. If it gets too out of control, call the police. Ask for assistance to "keep the peace." That is the best way to get a policeman quickly to your house. Or depending on what is going on, call 911 and report that your teenager is threatening to take his or her own life. Take an action. In general, take more action and talk less. Remember, when you engage in a yelling contest with your teenager, the terrorists have already won.
UPDATE: The Three Most Effective Ways that Teens Manipulate. A new Tie for Third Place!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, April 19, 2009
As you may recall, the Top Three that have been previously posted on this blog are (1) Lying, (2) Guilting and (3) Doing Good Temporarily. This time half the teens thought that the Third Most Effective Manipulation was Defiance. The teens were not necessarily referring to the same type of Defiance, but rather there were several types that seemed to fit under this general category. The other half maintained that Doing Good Temporarily was still the Third Most Effective Way to Manipulate.
The several types of Defiance that the teens brought up are as follows:
1. No matter what your parents say, just do what you want. For example, if they tell you to stay in, make sure that you go out. This teaches parents who is in charge. If they can't do anything to stop you, they probably will quit trying to tell you to stay in because it is just a battle that they are going to loose anyway.
2. Let your parents know that if don't get your own way on something important, that you don't know if you'll be able to keep it together. You might just have to flip out- start yelling, throwing things, trashing the house by putting holes in the walls, etc. This over-laps somewhat with the second most effective way to manipulate because as you do this you will let your parents know that it is completely their fault that you are "loosing it."
3. Make threatening statements. This one is similar to #2. Threaten to run away. Threaten to get high. Threaten to break the law if you have to, to get money, when they won't give you any. Threaten violence towards your parents. Threaten to hurt yourself. Threaten that if they insist on not letting you have what you want, you will be the most depressed person in the world- and of course it's all their fault.
Sometimes the threat of violence is direct but often it is implied by the way in which you communicate, e.g., yell, clench your fists, or mutter under your breath so that your parents can hear certain violent words. For example, your parents may hear some of your words but not all of them. It might go something like this: "Blah blah blah f******** blah blah b***** blah blah kill someone blah blah ****-you-up blah blah." This way if you get confronted about what you are saying, you can claim not to have been speaking to your parents or claim not to have meant what they thought you meant. Similarly, if you can keep the threats "implied," then later it is easier to deny that you have actually made threatening statements.
The bottom line is that even though your parents may not want to address what's going on- what's happening is that you know that your parents are afraid of you or are afraid of what you might do, either to them or to yourself. They know they are afraid but they might not want to admit it. That's your ace-in-the-hole because as long as they don't want to admit it, they really can't do much about it.
So what can a parent do in the face of defiance? First, pay attention to what is going on. You may need the help of a therapist or other concerned party to help you sort out just how your teenager is using defiance to stay in control.
Once you figure out how your teenager is using this technique the Second Step is to admit it. For example, if your teen refuses to stay home when your ground him, then admit that he is outside of your control. Without this admission, it is impossible to move towards any solution. If your teenager threatens violence whenever you attempt to wake him up in the morning and you are not willing to put yourself in that position, then admit that he is failing at school because he is outside of your control.
The Third Step is to realize that doing nothing is doing something. When you do nothing to address the situation, you passively approve of your teenager remaining outside of your control. You approve of them not attending school. You approve of their continuing drug abuse.
The Fourth Step is to try something different. There is a saying in 12-step that addresses insanity: "Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results." Or, "If you do what you always did, you get what you always got." For example, you might involve others in the situation. Contact a School Guidance Counselor and disclose that your teenager has been operating outside of your control. Don't keep this a secret. Take a positive action after consulting with school professionals, therapists, probation officers or in some cases, police.
There is more to say on this subject. Stay tuned for more on this post or look for a follow-up post soon. In the meantime please leave a comment if you have had anything similar to this happen to you, and especially if found any solutions.
Parent Survival Skills Training: parents helping parents take back control!
The Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate Parents: Part I.
Approaches To Dealing With Teen Lying: Part II.
Guilting the Parent: Part III.
Doing Good Temporarily- Just to get privileges back- Part-IV
Doing Good Temporarily- Just to get privileges back- Part-IV
