A Parent Asks for Advice on Act 53 - PART 3
DETACHING FROM PEBBLES WITH LOVE; BETTY WORKS ON HER CO-DEPENDENCY by Betty
Pebbles' mom, Betty, sent this follow up to her previous posts.
To see the original post click here: A Parent Asks for Advice on Act 53
and A Parent Asks for Advice on Act 53 - PART 2
A lot has happened since Pebbles' first hearing back in March. She was placed at Mars Home for a month.
During that month she received some counseling but the majority of it was spent on what would be set up for Pebbles to go to for out-patient support. There were quite a few things set up to help Pebbles with her issues. However, Pebbles obviously was not on board with the plans.
Not long after coming home with an ankle bracelet did old attitudes begin. Having a pity party for herself, complaining of being bored and lonely, excuses for doing minimal 12 step recovery work. Was not allowed a cell phone unless taking a bus to therapy or meetings. Nor allowed internet access unless supervised. However, a sympathetic neighbor (adult) gave her an I-pod to use to text friends.(Whole other story).
From the time she was able to contact friends she was more secretive. By 3 weeks home her father found her drunk and passed out. At first he thought she was dead!
This was at 11:00 a.m. and I left at 9 a.m. for work. That's a lot of drinking in a very short period of time. A friend of hers brought her alcohol and later I found out Xanax. We called her P.O., had a warrant faxed to the police station and she was handcuffed and sent back to Shuman.
When I came home for lunch and found out about the situation, I cried and asked why?
Her reply was, "because of you." I was too hard on her, never satisfied, blah, blah blah. Thank God for what I have learned about this disease and not to take her answer personally.
In fact, I don't know why I even asked her, why?
Having said that my head knows that is what addiction is telling her. My heart though is hurt and heart broken. It's been over 3 weeks and she is still at Shuman being interviewed for placement for a much longer & intense placement. We warned her the last time we would not visit and pick up her collect calls several times per day like the last time. We haven't either. We spoke to her maybe 3 times. Once was her birthday.
There is a hearing scheduled that I already have a medical procedure scheduled at the same time and I am going to take care of myself. Barney is going to the hearing.
In fact, with the state of mind this last episode has put me in, the less I am involved the better.
Barney is taking over as much as possible. It's not easy giving up control but a personal defect I need to work on. This much control or attempt to control has made me ill. It may be one of the reasons Pebbles has remained ill too. We were informed one night by Shuman, Pebbles was taken to WPIC due to concern for her safety. We did not go nor have we been informed whether she was admitted or sent back to Shuman. Barney hasn't called to find out. He feels either way she is safe and alive and better off than here at home.
There is a void in my life because I am addicted to her.
But I am going to Nar-Anon meetings, making phone calls, reading PSST, meditating and listening to encouraging CD's to cope. It does help.
She is 18 now. Far from the adult the law says she is but I need to focus more on myself. It's been a long time since I have and it's a challenge. I ponder whether it was easier to stay obsessed with my girl's addiction and their problems then my own.
It's quiet at home. Something I yearned for; but uncomfortable with. It's foreign to me. However, as much as I hope Pebbles works on her problems, I hope the same for myself. Then one day we will even be a healthier family with a healthier relationship.
I want to be able to say one day that,"If it wasn't for all the pain and grief addiction put us though, we wouldn't have been BLESSED with where we are today!
That would be so nice.
Pebble's Mom, Betty
5 comments:
Betty,
I applaud your efforts to get help for your daughter, and to take care of yourself too. Each of us has to lead the battle to heal ourself, with a strong support system of friends, family and faith.
Your comments remind me of the Kelly Clarkson lyrics:
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
Stay strong!
Jenn
Thanks Jenn,
I am trying to be stong but I am struggling. I just read your post and glad you are coping well with the roller coaster ride you have been on. Pebbles is in Shuman since May 6 & I don't know how long it will be before she is placed. We have had not contact Her p.o. is on maternity leave and I have not met her new one yet. I found out she was texting friends at Shuman on the school's computer. I don't know whether they are aware of how she was able to do this but I am trying not to play our usual cat and mouse game. I will attempt to go the the PSST meeting Saturday especially since I was not able to get to Nar Anon. She too celebrate her 18th birthday in Shuman and there will be no graduation celebration here either. I feel as if I have been double whammied between my 2 daughters who are now both addicts, did not finish school, get driver licenses, or their first jobs. Their 11 years apart from 2 different marriages but the same results. It's hard not to take it personal. I learned long ago when dealing with my first husband the al anon approach for keeping your sanity but found it harder with my first daughter and seems worse (or I can't remember through the fog of it all) it's just as bad all over. So I do know in time I will withdrawl from her but the process of grieving is debilitating. I usually reply to them with what I've learned when on the phone or face to face confrontations, had the oldest living in homeless shelters, jail, mental institutions, and even dealt well with calls when she has overdosed and been recessitated or aspirated and in a comma. I really did not think I would be doing it again. But it is a family/gentic disease I can't control. Tough love is easy for me when I think of it as the medicine for their illness but when I walk away or hang up I find it just as tough on me. Time was the answer before with a lot of support & prayers.I can honestly say that practicing the 12 steps to cope with my family disease has been a personal blessing for me to use in all my affairs. But you never graduate nor totally "get It" & are able to conquer all the affects on you or on your loved ones disease/behaviour. It is baffling, cunning and powerful. Linda
Betty,
So glad that you came to PSST this week! I hope that it was helpful to you, and that you will continue to come (and maybe your husband too). My husband & I have been coming for over a year now, and the meetings have been such a source of strength for us – we cannot imagine how we would have survived without the support from those who attend. We are inspired by the other parents who have battled long and hard in the fight against their children’s addictions. We are comforted in knowing that we are not alone, and that there just may be a tiny pinprick of light at the end of what seems to be a very dark tunnel. We are blessed to have caring professionals who have dedicated their lives to helping families just like ours. The meetings (and the friendships that we have developed through them) bring us hope, and help to restore our faith that each day we will continue to find a way to move forward.
Jenn
Betty,
I wish you all the best. You are right to take care of yourself. my husband, Fred, has put off having knee surgery since november of 2010 because of everything that has been happening with Bam. Now that Bam is in placement Fred has finally scheduled this surgery. He is finally putting himself first for a change. Thankfully this placement will give us the time for Fred to have this surgery and be on his way to recovery afterwards. We both have had our times enabling Bam but it does not help him or us. A month ago we had two incidents with Bam where I know that he was drinking and possibly taken something with it. The first time he vomited all over himself while seeming to be unaware of what he was doing or where he was. The second time he vomited on his bedroom floor and then passed out. In hindsight I wished I would have called for an ambulance but of course hindsight is always 20/20. The next day I let his p.o. know and long story short he went to Shuman where he was much safer than at home. a week later he went before his judge and was placed in a treatment facility. Because he is in placement he, too, has a new p.o.
Tomorrow Fred and I are going to Bam's placement for a treatment planning conference. And on Thursday he will turn 18 in placement. I am sad about that but glad that he is safe and getting some clean time. So, for today, all is well with us.
I hope Pebbles gets a placement soon but it seems like because of her situation it is taking time to find the best fit for her. I am confident that it will happen.
Know you are not alone.
Take care.
Wilma
I am glad I attended the PSST meeting on Saturday. I do not feel others who other parents who do notdeal with their childrens' addictions can fully comprehend the roller coaster ride of emotions we deal with. We can't live with our kids and can't live without them. It is a true love relationship. Loving them; hating their disease. It was comforting to share with each other and the getting and giving the support we need. I can't say I don't cry but not as much since I attended the meeting. Tonight is a nar anon meeting. So between the two I should be able to function better through this week. Pebbles has called but I let her father take the calls. She is very frustrated to still be at Shuman and not able to get accepted to appropriate placement. I only know that side of the story. I have put a call into her new P.O. but haven't heard back yet as far as the "big picture" and who has interviewed her and what else has been set up. She told her dad she was locked in her room but I am not sure why other than her frustration and/or feelings of hurting herself. Which probably is not helping her get accepted. this is the first time Pebbles has had to cope on her own and not have Mom spinning her wheels trying to work something out for her. I think the pressure is getting to her the more I work at keeping the pressure away from me. Hmmm, interesting.
Betty
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