Reflections - by Violet Posted by:Sally--Saturday, February 11, 2012

Reflections:

As I read the posts I am brought back to the days of not so long ago filled will despair. I have seen myself in many of the situations filled with doubt as to the commitment and sobriety of my son, and to the ability of my parenting skills. Which surface all too frequently, but not this day and the rule I try to embrace is, for today that is good enough.

I am in a different place than many of my PSST comrades and at times feel that my contribution may be limited but I would like to update my journey in the hope that others may realize there is an end to this madness. Oh, it doesn't come quickly. It doesn't come because your child has some miraculous epiphany. It comes, over time, because you have changed. In time, you decide what you will tolerate. In the interim your child is getting older and through practice you are able to make your decisions by detaching with love thereby harboring less guilt and shifting the responsibility where it should be, on our children.

So, with that, back to my story.

In the not so long distant past, through the darkness of suicides, death, moving, fires, floods, overdoses, psychiatric disorders, police, arrests, county jail, homelessness, rehabs, relapses, and juvenile probation, we have emerged to a new level of uncharted waters. The young adult. Oh yes, there were many times I could not imagine my son living this long, yet here we are.

Sal, is now 20. A young 20 due to years of drugs delaying his mental development. He is in his 2nd year of college, (can you even believe I can say Sal and college in the same sentence).The holidays were the first time he was home for longer than a few days in a very long time. While he is in my house the hyper vigilance, room and body searches, limited friends, accountability and consequences all continue. I find I am much better when he is away than at home and I no longer feel guilty with that realization. I have accepted that he has been given all the tools for life, it is now his choice which path he travels down. I will help him any way I can as long as he is sincere about his accomplishments as well as his failures. I am comfortable with the decisions I need to make, whether it be easy or extremely hard. I have the tools, thanks to PSST, to keep him in my home if he's on track or put him out if he is not. As you know the realization that he is responsible for his actions did not come overnight or even over several years, yet it has come and I now have some type of peace knowing just as he controls his destiny, I have control over mine, at least for today.

The fights are gone. My actions are more deliberate now. An example: He is supposed to return my calls promptly. I don't know about all of you, but if I don't hear back from him in my mind, he is high, in trouble or just doing something he shouldn't. The new part is that I can't control his actions so I calmly turn off his phone and go about my day. He finds a phone to call me back and the usual protests of, you won't be able to talk to me if I don't have a phone are no longer met with fear and guilt but answered with, your right, I won't. So now he has to think, his usual antics are not effective, so surprisingly an apology comes. The phone gets turned back on. Several test calls are given and he responds. Should he not, off it goes for longer. What is amazing to me and mind you I am an educated person, is that a slight twist in my response brings a different reaction from him. Who would’ a thought!

Yes, I still get crazy. Our alcohol and valuables are still under lock. While he was home, we were loading up my car. I had my keys (which contain the keys for the alcohol and valuables) on me and used them to open my car. We get in the car to leave and my keys are gone. Well of course I blamed Sal. I searched him and his room. Accused him all day. Insisted if he didn't turn them over he would have to leave. He calmly kept saying he did not take them. Then as I get into bed that night, contemplating my course of action, I step on my keys that had fallen on the floor. I apologize to Sal and tell him at this point he will always be first suspect. He just said I know mom. Not so long ago this scenario would have played out much differently, mainly because Sal would have had the keys. The growth for both of us is that I did not feel guilty accusing him and he accepted that he has much work to do to change that.

I do not drug test Sal at this point. That may change if he is allowed to stay with me this summer. He also understands that staying with me is my decision based on his actions or lack of them. Being that Sal used K-2 in the past, a clean drug test for him doesn't mean he's clean, I use his behavior and my gut as my guide. This is not for everyone, but at this point for me it works.

I saw Sal Friday at college. I find I need to inspect him to determine how I feel he is doing. His psychiatrist has advanced his visits to every 2 months now. He doesn't need his medication to sleep every night. We talked. He looked well. Clear eyes. Eye contact when speaking. His weight was good. Then I got a flat tire. Normally that would have caused an outburst on his part and he probably would have called for a ride back to campus. But something different happened. He got out to put on the spare. He told me to put on the emergency brake, but I didn't feel he was right, what did he know. So he said nothing and the car slipped off the jack about 6 times. Each time he just put it under the car and kept working away. It was about 12 degrees out that day. A good Samaritan came after about 40 minutes and asked what the problem was. Sal told him the car kept slipping off the jack. The man said do you have the emergency brake on. Sal looks at me and said, Mom, I told you we needed to have that on. So, I put it on and low and behold he gets the job done in no time. Now in another day not so long ago, this would have caused a terrible scene. I said sorry son. He said that's o.k. Mom. I rewarded his behavior with a small amount of cash which got a thank you to which I replied no son, thank you.

So, in this life of an addict’s parent, I hold on to those small moments of progress, I remember the past and understand that tomorrow is not promised. But for today I have a smile and that's just good enough!

Violet