Indian Poker anyone? (updated Sunday 8:15 AM) Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, August 13, 2011

Indian Poker is sometimes called Blind man's bluff. 

The Disease of Addiction was talking with a newly recovering addict. The Disease said, "I'm a family disease and my core is denial denial denial; however, if you tell anyone else in your family I said that, I'll deny it."

In families of addicts the tendency to say everything is OK is tremendous. And with denial, you don't just break through to the other side once, and then you're good. Denial can creep back anytime during the addict's recovery.

No matter how bad things may look, no matter your inner voice is telling you that this is BS, an addict and his family sometimes can't see it. Instead the family makes excuses such as, "He is depressed," "I can't work his program for him," "Even though he might be using, it's not as bad as it used to be," "I can't be so negative all the time, “If he gives up all his old friends, he won't have any friends at all, and that's not acceptable either," "It's time I worked on my own program and let him worry about working his program."

Addict's families need help on this one. Everyone can't see it. But people don't want to give feedback that might hurt someone's feelings. Naturally, there is a risk involved when giving feedback to someone. Sometimes the feedback is too much and it turns out to be counter-productive. This happens when the person receiving the feedback pushes away from the group because they don't want to hear it. To coin a new word the whole thing becomes counter-frontational.

It's a little bit like playing Indian Poker. The players have one or two cards held up to their forehead so that everyone can see the cards except the person whose card it is. The only way he can catch a glimpse is by the way others around him react. Sometimes, someone with a five thinks they have a face-card. It's funny to everyone else who can plainly see that it is indeed only a five.

So what can we do?

We can invite feedback. We can ask our friends, family, and fellow PSST members to tell us what they see. We can ask on a regular basis. Our real friends will tell us the truth but sometimes only if we ask. Otherwise, they think we don't want to know, we wouldn't listen anyway, and if we speak our mind our friendship might end.

Another thing we can do if we're really brave is just tell the other parent that they're not thinking clearly. Or, if we're not brave, we can just write a post and somewhere in there put this line, "You know who you are." The problem, of course, is that often the parent does indeed not know who they are.

Let's use the ole You Might Be a Redneck if ________!

1. You might be in denial if you know your teenager who is supposed to be in recovery is still using, although he doesn't appear to be as "badly off" with it as he was before he went into rehab, if you've decided that the best course of action for right now is to do nothing.

2. You might be in denial if your teenager isn't following his contract that you wrote before he was discharged from inpatient drug treatment and you've decided that the best course of action for right now is to do nothing.

3. You might be in denial if your teenager isn't being responsible in some major areas of his life, such as following his contract, and you've decided for right now it's OK if he still drives a car.

4. You might be in denial if your teenager has violated his Conditions of Supervision and you've decided for right now not to let his PO know about it.

5. You might be in denial if your inner voice is telling you it's time to be a stronger parent and take action but your other inner-voice is saying, "There's really nothing I can do that would help anyway." Especially, if your child still lives at home there is always something that can be done to send your teenager a message. Not acting also sends your teenager a message.

Remember, being in denial doesn't mean that you won't admit that stuff is happening. Usually, the Parent can admit that there are issues, but then deny that they need to take any action by telling themselves that in some ways what's happening isn't really that bad. Denial results in a failure to admit that you should take action, not a failure to admit that there is an issue.

If your teenager lives at home there is always something you can do to send a message that his behavior is unacceptable. If your teenager no longer lives at home, then you may be limited to making sure that you are not enabling him in anyway although sometimes even the estranged parent has other options.

And finally,

6. You might be in denial if you hear another parent share that 1-5 above is happening in their home but you've decided that there is no use in you confronting them because:

          A.  They already know that what they are doing is wrong.

          B.  They will never come back to a meeting.

          C.   They will kill the messenger.

          D.  That's not my job, that's Lloyd, Kathie and Val's job.

The problem with D is that parents helping parents can be more powerful than Lloyd, Kathie and Val doing the same thing. I don't know why, it just is. Also, when we reach out to help others we end up helping ourselves. It's the "If you really want to learn something, teach it"- kind of a thing.

So, to sum up: let's try not to let a fellow PSST parent drive down the road after a meeting with a five on their forehead thinking it was a face-card. But if we do do that (and there will be times when this just happens because we are all naturally afraid of being counter-frontational) remember that reaching out to people in between meetings can be just as powerful!

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