Meet the PSST Parents - Summary of the Nov 6, 2010 Wilkinsburg PSST Meeting Posted by:Rocco--Monday, November 08, 2010

Summary of the Nov 6, 2010 Wilkinsburg PSST Meeting




We had very encouraging turn-out at Saturday’s PSST Meeting in Wilkinsburg led by our PSST Pros, Lloyd, Val, and Kathie T. There were 17 PSST Parents representing 14 families.

We had a nice mix of new and regular PSST parents, as well as a veteran PSST Mom returning to share her story. We know them here as Violet, Rocco & Sally, Rose, Candy, Ralph & Alice, Lily, Daisy, Max, Jane, Marci, Patti, Tom & Becky, our veteran Lori and her friend Lisa.

Please note: Because of the great turnout this post is a little longer than usual.

After brief introductions by each of our PSST Parents we began with a Role Play of a Juvenile Hearing. This was to assist 3 of our PSST Families that have teens scheduled for a hearing at juvenile court.


ROLE PLAY

Thanks to our Role Players this week - Judge Alice, P.O. Ralph, P.D. Lloyd, D.A. Lori, Max the Troubled Teen, Candy the Concerned Mom and Rocco the Uncooperative Dad.

The scenario is that a teen has been caught in school with three dime bags of marijuana and is charged with Possession with intent to deliver.

For this Role Play case; The Teen’s parents are concerned about the seriousness of their teen’s court appearance and possible juvenile record, unfortunately, they cannot agree about the seriousness of their child’s drug usage and wretched behavior.

The mom would like to see their daughter placed into an Inpatient Recovery Program to get her away from the drugs as well as the people and the places that are triggers for her drug usage. She would also like to have a little time to restore some order to their home.

The dad thinks that their daughter is doing just fine in an Intensive Outpatient Program, that her usage is just typical teen behavior and he has no problem with her living at home. As he likes to say “Hey, I smoked a little pot in high school myself and I’m okay.”

The D.A. and the Probation Officer support the mom’s plan while the Public Defender, of course is there to defend the Teen and backs her dad’s idea.

For the sake of time our Role Play assumed that a Plea Bargain was accepted by all parties. The teen would accept a “Consent Decree” on the Possession charge if the “Intent to Deliver” was dropped.

This allowed us to move on to the Disposition part of the hearing where the Judge or Hearing Officer decides on the teen’s best plan of treatment. This is where the parents and the teen get to speak up.

In our Role Play since the Mom and Dad could not agree on what was best for their teen, Judge Alice (assisted by Val K) decided that the teen would return home on “Home Detention”, is required to attend an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) and to be drug tested every other day. The juvenile was also required to do a “90 in 90” program; that is to attend 90 approved recovery activities in 90 days.

If she breaches any of the above directives she will be in violation of her consent decree and may be taken to Shuman Center to await her hearing.

PLEASE NOTE: If both parents are on the same page and are willing to stand up to the Public Defender and to speak up at the hearing it will go a long way in getting their teen the help they want them to have. It typically takes parents out of their comfort zone to admit publicly that their child has a problem that is beyond their control in their home. Never the less, in the end it feels right in having a say in what kind of recovery program would best suit them. It also clarifies to the teen that the parents have the power in the family. Sally and I and other PSST Parents have learned how to do this and it has been worth the discomfort that we experienced for the results that we gained. It may help parents to collect and to write down your thoughts prior to the hearing and have them ready, if needed, to read at the hearing.

Explanations of Consent Decree, Hearing Officer, Home Detention and Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) can be found at the bottom of the blog.

LET'S TALK

Each of us had a chance to talk over our own situations and issues with our children in various stages of recovery. Because of the number of parents some kept their sharing short so those who really needed to talk had a chance. Thanks for your consideration.

As noted 3 of our PSST Families have teens that are scheduled for a hearing at juvenile court.

Marcie has a 16 year old son, Chuck, who was charged with possession of marijuana in school. He is awaiting his day in Juvenile Court and has been assigned a Probation Officer. Marcie is waiting for the PO to make contact with her. Her son has been up and down in his behavior the last few weeks. Marcie’s biggest problem is her ex-husband, Linus, who doesn’t want to address their son’s problem in the same urgent manner.

In fact anytime Chuck wants to act up he is welcomed at Linus’ house. Linus is a classic enabling dad. He lets Chuck pretty much have his way to visit people and places that can be trouble. Linus feels that Chuck is capable of making good decisions, is honest with him and feels that “we need to show our teen that we trust him”.

Can you believe this guy? I can. I practiced this same behavior 3 years ago myself and I was wrong. I was almost dead wrong.

As hard as it is, Marcie needs to accept the things she cannot change; courage to change the things she can; and wisdom to know the difference. She cannot control what happens at Linus’ house or improve Linus' attitude. She needs to work with the PO and the system to the best of her ability. She needs to make clear what acceptable behavior in her own home is and enforce it, not just with Chuck, but with all of her children. It is a big change, it feels uncomfortable and it will take time.

You’re doing the right thing for you and your son Marcie – Keep attending the PSST Meetings, we’re here for you.

Jane, one of our new PSST Moms, has a 17 year old son we call Elroy. See Jane’s Post “A Mom’s Story – Let’s Try Something Completely Different"

Elroy is about to turn 18 and also has a hearing pending on possession. Jane is working hard to get Elroy started on his recovery. She is doing a lot of ‘right stuff” including looking into Act 53.

Jane’s biggest road block is her husband George. George is another typical enabling dad who does not want to deal with his son’s need to correct his behavior, who openly disagrees with his spouse and who is “waiting for his son to turn 18 and leave home”. This does nothing to help their son’s recovery but George thinks that it will make “their problems go away”. This can be a deadly solution as well.

Jane has read up on the PSST “power words and phrases” and has put them into good practice over the last few weeks.

Elroy once again attempted to manipulate his mom into turning back on the texting on his cell phone. Jane held her ground despite his “But I am being so good” ploy, and then his “I am not going to school” ruse and finally his “Well then I will not go to IOP tonight” threat. She reminded Elroy that he is about to turn 18 and is old enough to make those decisions nevertheless he better be prepared to accept the consequences, especially with his hearing coming up. Well, Elroy went to school, went to his IOP meeting and Elroy still cannot text.

Good move Jane!

This is so important – Cell Phones and texting are basically nothing but more drug paraphernalia. Cutting off texting takes away a lot of the people that our children should not be dealing with.

Jane is awarded a PSSTrophy for using the most PSST power phrases (“You’re right”, “Never-the-less” and “Ask me again”) decisively and effectively before attending her first official PSST Meeting.

Thanks for joining us Jane – You are taking back the power and doing so much to help your son start his recovery.

Becky and Tom’s son recently began an inpatient recovery program while awaiting his hearing. Entering an inpatient program is certainly a tough transition for our teens. It is likewise a difficult time for the parents. Moving into an unfamiliar territory is always uncomfortable. First to admit that your child has a problem that is beyond your control can be awkward. Second, even though you understand the program is what they need, it does not always feel right.

Try to remember that your son is clean, safe and under the care of professionals.

This is not a time to feel guilty. You now have some quiet time to sort things out, get some rest and to do some things that your son’s behavior prevented you from doing. You can enjoy stopping for lunch without wondering where he might be going, get through your day without the school calling and have a good night’s sleep without wondering when he will sneak out. This is the time for No Guilt.

The road to recovery is not one that parents think that they will need to travel but when you find yourself there you want to obtain all of the directions and guidance that you can find.

We hope to see you again at our meetings Becky and Tom – As Max wrote in July; “All I know is, I don't feel like crying right now, because I spent the last year crying and worrying. He is now in a safe place. Maybe I can relax a bit and take a deep breath before embarking on the next chapter…” – We understand where you are and we are here to support and guide you.

Daisy is a one of our Super PSST Moms. She started attending meetings in May, 2009. She tried to work with her 15 year old son, Ozzie, over the summer in an IOP recovery program. When he would not cooperate Daisy did not hesitate and used Act 53 to get him into an inpatient program.

When Ozzie began acting up at his inpatient program Daisy filed charges against him. He had his juvenile hearing last week. Ozzie is now on probation in a second facility with a consent decree. Daisy managed to stand up to the Public Defender and stand up in court to see that her son received the help that he needs. Sally and I and a lot of our PSST Partners have been there Daisy and we know what an effort this takes to get the courage to do this.

Daisy told us two interesting things that occurred in juvenile court. First the Public Defender asked Ozzie if his mom would stick with her charges or was there a chance that she would back down. Ozzie told him that there is no way his mom would back done. The second is when the hearing was over the judge asked Daisy if she attended the PSST Meetings. She proudly assured her that “Yes, I do.”


When she went to visit Ozzie he told her that he thinks that he is finally getting it. He regretted that if he would have got it earlier he would still be home with her. He said he will try to accept the program and get back home when he can.

Way to go Daisy.

You have come a long way in a short time! If you get time please take the time to share your story on the blog with us. It would be great to hear it told from your perspective. OH, and thanks for the delicious cake!

Violet has an 18 year old son Sal who is in a halfway house. She took him out on a pass to have lunch. On the way back they stopped at a store to pick up some supplies. When they returned to the car Sal asked if he could go back in to the store to pick up a magazine. When he came back he didn’t have the magazine and had his hands in his jacket pockets, After Violet confronted him he pulled out some over the counter medicine that he purchased.

He gave his mom the medicine hoping that she would not tell the counselors at the halfway house. Violet remembered that keeping secrets is another way to enable your adolescent. As hard as it was she told them and also explained her concerns about his depression. The halfway house kept him in the safe room that night and Val is trying to work with them to get Sal the help he needs.

Depression and suicide are serious subjects that we need to face up to and act on.

Suicide threats and suicide attempts should ALWAYS be taken very seriously. If your child threatens suicide take them to an emergency room immediately for an evaluation.

Never ignore or minimize a suicide threat or a suicide attempt.

Violet is doing what she can to get Sal onto probation to get him some more help in his recovery. She has put a lot of effort into her son’s recovery and is the one person who has stuck with him and seen him through his issues.

Violet’s next big task is to take some time out for herself.

Thanks for sticking with PSST Violet. You’re helping your son and you're helping our new PSST Parents and we’re here to help you.

Sally & Rocco’s son Cisco is looking forward to returning to the adult recovery program he ran away from a few weeks ago. If there is an upside to his running away it is that the program wants him back. It’s also good that he has learned that he has nowhere to run to. Once PO Columbo and Family Counselor Nancy Drew turned up the heat in the township none of Cisco’s so-called friends wanted anything to do with him, much less let him hide out in their basements.

Cisco has also has discovered that he doesn’t want to hang out with teenage users, and thinks he is ready to begin his recovery. Our last few visits with Cisco have gone well.

Like everything else these days, Sally and I will take this one day at a time.

Rose is one of our newer PSST Moms and is still not ready to open up and share her story at this time and that is okay.

Please keep visiting with us at PSST Rose; we are all here to support and encourage you.

Candy told us that her daughter Tori is doing well in a recovery program for young girls. Candy and her husband Aaron had the courage to stand up in court several times this summer. They did everything they could to see that their daughter Tori was placed back into an inpatient recovery program. Like many of us, Candy and Aaron’s family have a few more years to heal themselves along with Tori. Addiction is a family disease and we all need to continue to work at our recovery.

Thanks for being part of PSST Candy. You have showed everyone what it means to stand up for your family.

Max has been coming to PSST for almost a year with her husband Mel. Max and Mel have learned to convey to their two sons that they are a team, they are in charge and that they cannot be manipulated or separated. They have helped their sons through their difficulties this year and their family is on the way to recovery.

AS Max posted in Dr. Max Explains it All to You: Diagnosis W.I.S.:

‘…following a therapists' advice does not mean you are giving the kid too much power as in the past. It may mean that you need to find "the courage to change what you can". But, being knowledgeable and empowered gives parents the courage to say "I'm not comfortable with that"!’

Lloyd commented: 'It is a challenge for us all to keep the focus on ourselves especially when a loved one suffers from addiction; it is so important because without keeping the focus on ourselves we are less grounded to help our loved one.'

Thanks for continuing in PSST Max and for sharing your stories on the blog.


It was good to see Lily again. Lily’s son has completed his inpatient recovery program, returned to school and earned his Eagle Scout Rank. Lily said that things are going well for them and appreciates how PSST helped them to get to where they are. She also had thanks for Wesley Spectrum and specifically Cathy C’s help with her son.

Congratulations to you and your son, Lily. Please keep on dropping in see us at PSST. If you have the time we would love to have you share your story on the blog.

Alice and Ralph’s son Ed has recently completed his inpatient program and is attending school. He is also starting up his landscaping business again. Their older son Norton has made the choice to leave home and to live life on his own terms rather than follow their house rules. They let him know that he is welcomed back home when he is ready to comply.

Alice shared a story about this. The other day, while Ralph and Ed where out, she had a knock on the door. She opened the door to a couple of sheriffs and a street full of police cars and vans. They had a warrant for Norton. Alice explained where he was and she was told that they would put out a national alert for him. Just so there were no big surprises Alice hurried to call Ralph and let him know why there were so many police vehicles around their home, if he spotted them on his way home. Boy, talk about a trigger for parents!

Ralph and Alice have been in PSST for less than one year. They have contributed a lot to our meetings and to our blog. Ralph wrote a piece on the blog called Flying Above the Storm…

“…And suddenly, the rain started to lift a little. The lightning wasn't coming so close. The storm was moving off. ... Wait, it wasn't the storm that was moving. My son is still a drug addict and alcoholic, who doesn't want to get clean, and is facing serious charges. My son, from my point of view, is still trying to wreck his entire life. The storm is still there. The storm is still destroying things and lives. It was me who was moving. I was learning to fly above his problems. I was the one who saw that I could become an eagle. I still have a long way to go. My son will probably learn better manipulation techniques. But I can learn too. I can fly higher above his problems. I can work on my own problems. But most of all, I can learn to fly above the storm.”

Thanks Ralph and Alice. You both have learned so much so quickly. You have taught us at PSST how important it is to "fly above the storm" of manipulation. Your wisdom, your good sense of humor and your resolve are so beneficial to all of us.

We appreciate that Marcie’s friend Patti returned to our PSST meeting. Her teenage son like so many others has been “experimenting” with marijuana and defiant behavior. Unlike Marcie, Patti’s husband is on the same page as her in dealing with their son. They will not allow themselves to be manipulated by him.

Teens that abuse drugs are master manipulators. Stay alert at all times of the tremendous manipulative skills teenage addicts develop and their uncanny ability to switch techniques almost the instant they realize that the method they are using is not working. They can turn from your sweet child to a nagging whiner or an angry monster punching holes in walls and doors, in seconds, to get what they want.

Thanks for returning to PSST Patti. You are off to a good start. Please come to some more meetings. Remember to practice "I am not comfortable with that."

Lori came back to share with us. Lori started with PSST for help when her son Richie was in his mid-teens. They have been through about ten years of recovery together. He has been through several programs and has not been home for most of the time. Richie left for Miami a few years ago. He finished his college degree and now has a full time job.

Richie called Lori last week.

He asked her “Are you still going to those meeting with that Lloyd guy?”

When she said yes he told her “You tell him to tell the parents that they are in charge and they should keep doing everything that they are doing to help keep their kids clean.”

This is what Lori had been waiting to hear for almost ten years; her son is getting it!

As tough as it has been, Lori has done all she can to see that her son recovers and makes a life for himself. She thinks that it is good for him to be away from home and clean for now.

Thanks for returning and sharing your story with us Lori, it was so good to see you again.

Lori’s friend Millie is also an experienced parent of a son in recovery.

Freddie has been in and out of recovery programs also and lives away from home now. She wishes that she had PSST to help her when he was still a teen. You might remember at our Wexford September meeting that Freddie had just left on a trip to Europe. Millie was glad to report that he had no problems and he is back in the country. Like Lori she realizes that it is better that he lives away from home for now. He is alive and in recovery and that is what we all want for our sons and daughters with drug problems.

If anyone even suspects that their teenager is using drugs or alcohol they should come to a PSST Meeting. They are getting involved in what can be a deadly game. We will show you the proper way to confront your child about these issues. The worst that can happen is that you become a better educated parent and your child understands that you will not tolerate drugs and alcohol usage.

Thanks for making it to the meeting Millie and sharing your story.

Note from Rocco: Wow. That was a Great turnout! It was also a lot to remember. If I missed anything, or got something wrong, or you just want to comment please do at the bottom of this post or send your comments to sallyservives@gmail.com

What does _____________________ mean? A couple of Definitions

To see more click on Juvenile Court Glossary

Consent Decree – An order of the Court which suspends the delinquent proceedings against a juvenile. It places youth under voluntary supervision in his or her own home, under terms and conditions negotiated with the probation department and agreed to by all parties affected. It can be in effect for up to one year with reviews at three, six, nine and twelve months.

The Judge offers a Consent Decree when he feels that there is proof of criminal behavior but he would like to give the juvenile a chance to complete a period of Court supervision successfully without making a Court Finding of Delinquency, therefore there is no record of Delinquency. Of course, if things don't go well the case comes back into Court and the Judge may issue a Finding of Delinquency the second time around. If things do go well the charges end up being dismissed.

Hearing Officer – an attorney appointed by the Court who is authorized, under the Juvenile Act, to conduct delinquency and dependency hearings. Hearing Officers’ decisions can be appealed to a Juvenile Court Judge.

Home Detention - Home detention refers to a measure by which a juvenile is confined in his/her residence by the authorities. Under home detention travel, if allowed, will be restricted to only appropriate travel (school, court, community service, doctor visits, PO visits, church services, etc.) Home detention serves as an alternative to juvenile detention. Visitors are restricted to only persons approved by the juvenile authorities and parents. The juvenile must call-in before leaving the house at anytime and call-in upon their return. The juvenile also receives random calls to verify that they are home. In some cases the juvenile will also be placed on an electronic monitor (aka ankle bracelet.

Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) - support program used primarily to treat chemical dependency that does not rely on detoxification. A typical IOP program offers group and individual services of 10–12 hours a week. IOP allows the individual to be able to participate in their daily affairs, such as work, and then participate in treatment at an appropriate facility in the morning or at the end of the day.

The typical IOP program encourages active participation in 12-step programs in addition to the IOP participation. IOP can be more effective than individual therapy for chemical dependency

Have any questions? Come to our next PSST Meeting.


QUESTIONS LIKE:

- What did I do wrong?

- How can I tell if my teen is addicted or suffering from depression?

- What can I do? If I even mention the subject they get angry and start talking about suicide.

- Give me a break. If I don’t give them the money they will nag me to death or just take it.

- How can I say no when they work so hard at doing good?

- What if the family/friends/neighbors/school/coach/church group/coworkers/police/scout leader finds out? I would be MORTIFIED! They will think that I am a horrible parent.

- How can I take their cell phone away? How will I get hold of them? How will I know where they are at? Besides they paid for it.

- What if I confront them about drug or alcohol use and they are clean? They will think that I am crazy.

- What happens if they are arrested and charged? They will have a record. They won’t be able to get a job or attend the school that they want to. The will get kicked off of the team.

- How can I talk to them without making them angry? They’ll yell obscenities at me and punch the walls.

- Why in the world would I put my teen into a rehab program? They will meet drug addicts and dealers there!

- How can I press charges against them? Even the local police told me it is just a little bit of weed and the most that will happen is the magistrate will fine them and I will have to pay it.


- If I press charges against my own child, how will they ever trust me again?

- How can I tell my kid not to use? They know that I used when I was a teenager. I’d be like a hypocrite or something.

- What can I do? My husband/wife/partner/mother/dad/brother/sister already thinks that I always over-react about everything?

COME TO PSST FOR ANSWERS TO THESE AND OTHER QUESTIONS YOU HAVEN’T EVEN THOUGHT OF YET!

THANKS

Thanks again to all who attended this meeting. It was outstanding to see how many concerned parents there are. As noted when you look around the room you see a lot nodding in agreement and understanding of where you are coming from. We are always looking for a few more parents to join us so we can offer them some help and some hope.

"By helping others succeed, we help ourselves succeed. Whatever good we give will complete the circle and will come back to us."

Our goal at PSST is to EMPOWER THE PARENTS of teenage substance abusers and/or Juvenile Court Youth with the support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to help their teenager to save their life.

Our thanks to the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office for the use of their space.

The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday November 13 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Trinity Lutheran Church 2500 Brandt School Road, Wexford, PA 15090

C'mon and join us.

PSST Meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life. If you are having problems with your teenager and suspect drug abuse please come to our next meeting.

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