Summary Nov 20, 2010 PSST Meeting - Mt Lebanon Posted by:Rocco--Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Meet the PSST Parents III - Summary Nov 20, 2010 PSST Meeting - Mt Lebanon

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We had another terrific turnout Saturday for our PARENT SURVIVAL SKILLS TRAINING (PSST) Meeting at OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES in Mt Lebanon; with our PSST Professionals, a lot of remarkable parents and a lot of delicious food for our PSSThanksgiving Celebration.

The meeting was led by Val, Lloyd and Rebecca from Allegheny County Probation and Family Therapists Kathie T and Jocelyn from Wesley Spectrum Services. Speaking for all of the parents who attend these meetings we would like to sincerely thank them for their support, encouragement, understanding and much appreciated humor.

The meeting was attended by 18 parents representing 14 families: alias' Max, Daisy, Jane, Alice, Sally & Rocco, June, Candy, Cheryl & Jim (This week's new PSST Parents), Lily, Violet, Lois, Jessica & Roger, Becky & Tom, and Marcie.

To make sure those who needed help the most had the opportunity to discuss their issues Lloyd asked them to share first.


LET'S TALK

Max has been coming to PSST for almost a year with her husband Mel. Max and Mel have two sons, David and Michael in recovery. David, their younger son is doing well at an out-of-state boarding school. Michael has been doing well at school and has a job. He has been following curfew and has been staying clean.

But when Michael came home Friday, Mel had a bad feeling. Max tested Michael for alcohol and the test came up positive. Michael said the test had to be wrong because he wasn't drinking. Max agreed to try a second test (and kind of quietly wished that it would be negative). When this one came up positive Max asked Michael to explain what really happened. Michael finally admitted that when he asked one of his friends to share their drink he thought it was just fruit drink. After he took a drink he realized it had been spiked with alcohol. Mel wasn't buying his story but Max wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to talk with Michael. Max did very well; she did not get into accusations and arguments. She went over what happened with Michael and let him know that he would need to call his P.O. let him know. He would then have to accept whatever consequences came.

Click on "Should I give him some space" for more details.

Lloyd pointed out that Max handle a tough situation well. Because she had built a good relationship with Michael he felt that he could talk openly with her. He admitted that he had used alcohol. If the specifics of the story do not ring true is not that important.

If your teenager admits to using don't get lost in the details about the hows and the whys.

Use their admission as an opportunity to re-establish the power of the parents. Use it as a reason to amend your teens contract as needed. Talk it over with your child's counselor and P.O. (if they have one). Remember: Do not keep secrets - secrets enable your teens addiction. Establish some appropriate consequences and work with them on how they can avoid the situation the next time.

Max and Mel are working together to help their sons through their difficulties and their family is on the road to recovery. As we all know that is not always a smooth road but they keep going forward. Less than a year ago Max would have had difficulty handling this situation.

I think that Max deserves a PSSTrophey for coming such a long way in such a short time.

You managed things well Max.
Thanks for being a PSST leader and for continuing to share at our meetings and on the blog.

Jessica and Roger have a 16 year old son Herman who was released from an inpatient program last week. Regrettably it seems that Jessica and Roger were the only ones that understood that Herman was not ready to come directly home. As they expected Herman came home and his anger issues kicked in immediately.

He did his best all week to manipulate and take back the power from his parents. When Jessica and Roger showed him that they were not going to bend, much less break, he acted out even more. Herman is cut off from the people, the places and the drugs that got him in trouble and he is having no success at regaining power. Reality is hitting him hard. His family will not accept this behavior. Jessica and Roger will have an opportunity now to work with his P.O. to enforce his contract and show him that there is a "New Sheriff in Town."

We parents at PSST understand how difficult this is. We all need to take back control of our family and our own lives in order to save our teen's life.

PSST has provided a few somewhat uncomfortable but valuable lessons on handling our adolescent’s addiction and "How to Talk Less & Act More. These are by no means the easiest methods to make use of but they work.

Realize that we are not alone in this. At PSST there a lot of caring people who understand exactly what we are going through and who are here to offer a lot of support and encouragement.

Thanks for coming to PSST Jessica and Roger. You are going through a tough phase of your son's recovery and we are here for you.

Jane has a son Elroy who is about to turn 18. He has a hearing pending soon.

Jane has worked hard to get Elroy started on his recovery. This is in spite of a lack of cooperation by Elroy and a lack of help from her husband George. Elroy won't attend his I.O.P. and George does not want to deal with his son’s apathetic behavior.

Unfortunately there are no quick fixes for addictive behavior.

However once our teens are in the system, or facing a hearing, they will need to quickly learn how to take responsibility for their own actions. Then they will have to learn how to deal with the consequences resulting from their behavior. This is where the parent needs to detach. It is not the parent's bad behavior and it will not be the parent's consequences.

Remind your teen prior to the juvenile court hearing that we can be there to back them up or we can be there to make sure that the truth will be told. No lies, no secrets, no covering up and No Parental Guilt.

Thanks for continuing with PSST Jane – Taking back the power is not an easy task but you are doing it. Take some time to refocus on yourself and your other kids.

ROLE PLAY

We stopped to do a Role Play concerning a teen that has used and has admitted to it. The parents have discussed what they think are appropriate consequences (i.e. no going out indefinitely, no driving lessons, none hanging out with the friends he was using with.

We started the conversation with permission for the teen to go back to their room if they were not ready to deal with it at this time.

The general idea of the Role Play was to take advantage of the "Admission" by the teen that they used. As we stated above, don't get stuck on the details of story of how they came to use, even if they do not ring true. The important thing is they admitted using. Move onto what steps you, the parent, will take including altering their Home Contract. If they are still listening try to discuss what steps they will take to avoid using. Make sure that they agree to work with their counselor / Probation Officer.

TIME TO SHARE SOME FOOD AND SOME THANKS

We took some time for our PSSThanksgiving Celebration to share some wonderful food.

Then we had a chance to share what we are thankful for...

...for PSST and all the people who make up PSST, past and present.

...for Lloyd and Val's conviction that a troubled child cannot work a successful recovery if they return home to the same environment they left.

...for finding a place that we can talk openly with other parents who share similar issues.

...for understanding that we didn't cause our teenager's problem.

...for gaining some hope for the future.

...for having someone to catch us when we trip up.

...for getting a lot of support and encouragement.

...for recognizing that addiction issues are family issues.

...for seeing our child get "one more day" clean.

...for all of our PSST friends with Big Shoulders.

...for all of our PSST friends with Big Hearts.

LET'S TALK SOME MORE

Becky and Tom have a 16 year old son in an inpatient recovery program while awaiting his hearing. He admitted that he understands and accepts that he is there because of his behavior. That is an important first step.

Another step, while your teen is in an inpatient program, is to discuss the tough issues with them. This is the time to begin to present the new ground rules at home and to begin working on their contract. If they are going to act out, or get angry, this is the best time while they are under the care of professionals and away from drugs and alcohol.

And, of course, the other step is detaching and ending your codependent behavior. Detaching with Love is a tricky but very necessary step in regaining your emotional health. It is a lifelong commitment to one's recovery and is something that needs to be practiced daily. There are a lot of triggers for parents that can start codependent behaviors all over again.

You can still love your child, but you need to recognize when your relationship has become too entangled, co-dependent and unhealthy.

Thanks for becoming part of PSST Becky and Tom; we appreciate your participation and hope things continue to go well for you.

Our new couple this week was Cheryl and Jim. Their son Andy is at his second inpatient recovery program and they have worked out a lot of their issues by trial and error. They told me they wish they would have discovered PSST a while back. They could have resolved Andy's issues a little bit quicker. They are dealing with issues now with their other kids.

Brothers and sisters of addicted teens can feel ignored, pressure to be the good kid and wonder why their trouble-making brother / sister gets all of the attention. We have on occasion had a brother or sister attend a PSST Meeting to express their feelings.

Sally suggested that she would really like to hear from brothers and sisters of addicted teens on the blog at sallyservives@gmail.com

Thanks for joining us at PSST Cheryl and Jim. We hope to see you at more PSST Meetings.

Candy's 18 year old daughter Tori is doing well in a recovery program for young girls. Candy and her husband Aaron had the fortitude to stand up in court several times this summer. They did all they could to see that their daughter Tori was returned to an inpatient recovery program. Like many of us, Candy and Aaron’s family have a while to heal themselves along with Tori. Addiction is a family disease and we all need to continue to work at our recovery.

Thanks for being part of PSST Candy. You and Aaron have kept your daughter clean, safe and alive.

Daisy has a 15 year old son, Ozzie, in an Inpatient Recovery Program.

He is there and he has been clean for almost 70 days because Daisy also stood up in court. PSST has enabled us parents to take on the power we need to see that our teenagers receive the help that they need. We appreciate the effort you have made in just a few months Daisy.

Thanks for sharing your story with us Daisy. You have shown us all how well Act 53, and a determined mom, can work for our teens.

Violet has an 18 year old son Sal who is in a halfway house.

Violet has gained a lot of power since August and let her son know that:
“I am holding you accountable for Your actions; I am not holding your actions against you.”

Sal is now teaching Martial Arts at the Halfway House.

Thanks for being part of PSST Violet. You’re helping your son and your helping our new PSST Parents. Make sure that you take care of yourself.

Alice's son Ed has recently completed his inpatient program and is attending school. He is also dreaming of starting up his landscaping business again. Ed and Ralph were at a Church Men's Meeting.

Thanks Alice & Ralph. You two have added a lot of encouragement and assistance to PSST

Sally & Rocco have not seen Cisco since our "beginning of the month" visit with him. We've had good reports and have been generally pleased. Cisco's program does not allow for a visit on Thanksgiving Day. We are taking advantage of this and recharging our batteries with a mini-Thanksgiving vacation. We strongly encourage any parents with teens safely in an inpatient program to do the same (even if it is just a two or three day get-away).

You need to have some time for yourself again.

As the saying goes, Sally and I continue to take our family's recovery one day at a time.

Marcie has a 16 year old son, Chuck, who is awaiting his day in Juvenile Court and has been assigned a Probation Officer. Marcie is going to work with the P.O. to see that her son get the help he needs. Her son has been up and down in his behavior the last few weeks. Chuck’s time at his Intensive Outpatient Program has been increased because of his attitude and attempts to manipulate his parents. He has tested clean for drugs but his mom is still concerned that he may be using K-2 Spice and alcohol.

Marcie has the conflicting counselor concerns as Max - see the "Should I give him some space" above concerning how much space should you give a teen in their recovery.

Now that Chuck has a P.O. Marcie will have some much needed support to help him move in the right direction. She cannot control what happens at her husband Linus’ house or improve Linus’ attitude. For now she will work with the P.O. and the system.

Chuck will also need to prior to the juvenile court hearing that his mom can be there to back him up or she can be there to make sure that the truth is told.

No lies, no secrets, no covering up and No Parental Guilt.

It is not easy Marcie but you are doing the right thing – Keep attending the PSST Meetings, we’re here for you.

Lois has a 16 year old daughter Meg who is facing a hearing on DUI charges.

She said that Meg seems to be keeping things under control and is behaving. The friend that Meg got into trouble with contacted Lois to apologize (for what it is worth).

Teens in Pennsylvania can have their driver's license suspended for underage drinking. Each time they are found guilty the suspension can grow. This can be used as a good consequence for them using alcohol.

Thank you for coming to PSST Lois. We’re here to support you.

Remember it is okay to be angry with your teen. Just be careful how you express your anger with them. Parents can channel their anger, in a good way, to let go of our guilt and hold our teen accountable for their actions and responsible for whatever consequences they receive based on their actions. Trying to "get them off" of their charges or paying their fines and restitution is just another form of "Enabling Behavior". It's wrong.

June and Lily, good PSST Moms and good PSST friends, made it to the meeting and were both good enough to concede their time so that others could share.

We really appreciate both of you at PSST June and Lily. Please keep on coming to the meetings. June has done a great job of sharing her story on the blog. We would like to see Lily share hers as well as any of you parents out there. You never know what is going to help another parent out there.

We had final comments to finish up another good meeting and we all left with a little more wisdom and confidence to face our teens and the world of alcohol and drug addiction.

Note from Rocco: Wow. That was another Great turnout! It was also a lot to remember. If I missed anything, anybody, or got something wrong, or you just want to comment please do so at the bottom of this post or send your comments to sallyservives@gmail.com


Our Thanks again to all at PSST, and of course our sincere thanks to OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES for the use of their space.

We look forward to seeing more concerned parents on Saturday, December 4 for the next PSST meeting and our continued holiday "pot-luck" celebration at:

Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg.


Please consider making it to the next PSST Meeting. We are not here to judge you we're here to reach out and help you.

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