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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
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| Indian Poker is sometimes called Blind man's bluff. |
The Disease of Addiction was talking with a newly recovering addict. The Disease said, "I'm a family disease and my core is denial denial denial; however, if you tell anyone else in your family I said that, I'll deny it."
In families of addicts the tendency to say everything is OK is tremendous. And with denial, you don't just break through to the other side once, and then you're good. Denial can creep back anytime during the addict's recovery.
No matter how bad things may look, no matter your inner voice is telling you that this is BS, an addict and his family sometimes can't see it. Instead the family makes excuses such as, "He is depressed," "I can't work his program for him," "Even though he might be using, it's not as bad as it used to be," "I can't be so negative all the time, “If he gives up all his old friends, he won't have any friends at all, and that's not acceptable either," "It's time I worked on my own program and let him worry about working his program."
Addict's families need help on this one. Everyone can't see it. But people don't want to give feedback that might hurt someone's feelings. Naturally, there is a risk involved when giving feedback to someone. Sometimes the feedback is too much and it turns out to be counter-productive. This happens when the person receiving the feedback pushes away from the group because they don't want to hear it. To coin a new word the whole thing becomes counter-frontational.
It's a little bit like playing Indian Poker. The players have one or two cards held up to their forehead so that everyone can see the cards except the person whose card it is. The only way he can catch a glimpse is by the way others around him react. Sometimes, someone with a five thinks they have a face-card. It's funny to everyone else who can plainly see that it is indeed only a five.
So what can we do?
We can invite feedback. We can ask our friends, family, and fellow PSST members to tell us what they see. We can ask on a regular basis. Our real friends will tell us the truth but sometimes only if we ask. Otherwise, they think we don't want to know, we wouldn't listen anyway, and if we speak our mind our friendship might end.
Another thing we can do if we're really brave is just tell the other parent that they're not thinking clearly. Or, if we're not brave, we can just write a post and somewhere in there put this line, "You know who you are." The problem, of course, is that often the parent does indeed not know who they are.
Let's use the ole You Might Be a Redneck if ________!
1. You might be in denial if you know your teenager who is supposed to be in recovery is still using, although he doesn't appear to be as "badly off" with it as he was before he went into rehab, if you've decided that the best course of action for right now is to do nothing.
2. You might be in denial if your teenager isn't following his contract that you wrote before he was discharged from inpatient drug treatment and you've decided that the best course of action for right now is to do nothing.
3. You might be in denial if your teenager isn't being responsible in some major areas of his life, such as following his contract, and you've decided for right now it's OK if he still drives a car.
4. You might be in denial if your teenager has violated his Conditions of Supervision and you've decided for right now not to let his PO know about it.
5. You might be in denial if your inner voice is telling you it's time to be a stronger parent and take action but your other inner-voice is saying, "There's really nothing I can do that would help anyway." Especially, if your child still lives at home there is always something that can be done to send your teenager a message. Not acting also sends your teenager a message.
Remember, being in denial doesn't mean that you won't admit that stuff is happening. Usually, the Parent can admit that there are issues, but then deny that they need to take any action by telling themselves that in some ways what's happening isn't really that bad. Denial results in a failure to admit that you should take action, not a failure to admit that there is an issue.
If your teenager lives at home there is always something you can do to send a message that his behavior is unacceptable. If your teenager no longer lives at home, then you may be limited to making sure that you are not enabling him in anyway although sometimes even the estranged parent has other options.
And finally,
6. You might be in denial if you hear another parent share that 1-5 above is happening in their home but you've decided that there is no use in you confronting them because:
A. They already know that what they are doing is wrong.
B. They will never come back to a meeting.
C. They will kill the messenger.
D. That's not my job, that's Lloyd, Kathie and Val's job.
The problem with D is that parents helping parents can be more powerful than Lloyd, Kathie and Val doing the same thing. I don't know why, it just is. Also, when we reach out to help others we end up helping ourselves. It's the "If you really want to learn something, teach it"- kind of a thing.
So, to sum up: let's try not to let a fellow PSST parent drive down the road after a meeting with a five on their forehead thinking it was a face-card. But if we do do that (and there will be times when this just happens because we are all naturally afraid of being counter-frontational) remember that reaching out to people in between meetings can be just as powerful!
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I came across an explanation of the effects of drugs on the brain that was rather easy to understand. Click here if you wish to hear about it.
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I wrote this role-play with one family in mind. It turns out that I missed the boat and this role-play might not have played out this way at all in this family. Still, I think that it demonstrates the principal of how parents would do well to challenge their teenager to accept responsibility for the problem rather than always try to help give him solutions. It also uses PSST skills to avoid being sucked into manipulation.
As you read this role-play try to refrain from choosing either that this young man should go to a halfway house or that he should come home. That is the trap. Accept in your mind first that that decision will be made later not now. In fact, as parents, you may indeed have a strong opinion on that subject and that is fine..later. But for now, this is not something that the 'team' can either rule out or not rule out. This is the best way to get the sense of what this mother is doing with her teenager and, of course, what she is not doing.
Robert: You don't feel that I need a halfway house do you?
Mom: I didn’t think about it until you mentioned it the other day.
Robert: See, you didn't! You think I should come home right?
Mom: I'm not sure.
Robert: I'm getting so depressed in here thinking that I might have to do that.
Mom: Yes, I'm sure you are- it is a depressing thought.
Robert: So, do something!
Mom: What is it that you think I should do?
Robert: Something! Tell Lloyd he can't do that! Go to bat for me! Be a MOM! Tell him you demand that I come home- don't let this looser PO tell me after all I've been through that I can't come home! Oh yeah and did I tell you they smoke K2 down there!??? Is that what you want for me? Huh? Is it?
Mom: Well, good points all of them, and of course I don't want you smoking K2!
Robert: OK then so you'll do something?
Mom: Of course I will. I'll speak to Lloyd.
Robert: Will you tell him that I can come home, that you want me to come home?
Mom: I'll tell him that we are concerned and that We'd like to know more about it.
Robert: What more about it?! That sucks you don't have to know any more than what I'm telling you.
Mom: Yes, dear, I know you'd like me to guarantee you that you won't have to go to a halfway house.
Robert: Right!
Mom: Well, I can't do that can I?
Robert: This is soooooo depressing- why do I have to go there?
Mom: Well, I'm not sure that you do- but we have time on this one- let's talk later about it OK?
Robert: Mom! I'm going to be so depressed! That's what Lloyd said too?!
Mom: Yes, I think you're going to continue to be quite upset over this.
Robert: Well?
Mom: You're going to figure it out son.
Robert: Figure what out?
Mom: Figure out how to come straight home from here or figure out how to deal with the halfway house if you have to go there.
Robert: You make me depressed now. Get out of here! I'm done with this sh&t for today!
Mom: OK, I'll be back soon honey.
Robert: What, just like that you're leaving?
Mom: Well you said you had enough and that I should go.
Robert: But you never leave when I say that! I'm just saying I'm depressed, that's all!
Mom: Yes, you're dong a pretty effective job of telling me that you are depressed.
Robert: Not that you care! You're not doing anything to help.
Mom: No, I'm not am I?
Robert: You're making it worse.
Mom: I am. I can see that you are right. I'm making it worse. I'm going to leave but I'll be back soon- this visit has been hard for me too and I need to get going.
Robert: So nothing!? No help on this one- I come to you asking, begging for help and I get nothing?
Mom: Apparently, you're right! I got nothing on this one- other than the little bit I said, I'm afraid you'll have to figure this out on your own.
Robert: What if I just say fu&k it and walk out?
Mom: Is that crossing your mind son?
Robert: No, I'm just saying what if?
Mom: Well you'd have to do what you feel is best for you but I wouldn't like to hear that you did something like that.
Robert: Well what am I supposed to do? You won't help me?
Mom: That's right. You're just going to have to suffer this one out tonight I'm afraid.
Robert: Tonight OK, but you'll call him tomorrow?
Mom: Sure I said I'd call Lloyd, you know, to get more information about the halfway house and stuff like that.
Robert: You're messing my head up. I'm so out of here!
Mom: Wow. No! (concerned look) I'm really sorry to hear that!
Robert: To hear what, that your fu#&ingmy head up with this sh&t? You know what you're doing to me- you're doing it on purpose!
Mom: No, sorry about that too, but I meant I'm really sorry to hear that you might run. Have you talked to your therapist about that?
Robert: What the f^&k? Of course not!
Mom: I think that would be a good idea honey.
Robert: No! and don't you say anything to him either!
Mom: Ahhhh I can't keep that one secret.
Robert: Oh, I will be so mad at you - I trusted you! I trusted that I could talk to you?!!!
Mom: Oh?
Robert: And I'll never never never going to tell you anything again!!!!!
Mom: Oh well...
Robert: Yeah and don't come visit me again if you tell that on me.
Mom: Nevertheless, I can't keep things like that secret. (said slowly and moving in closer to son- but not yelling.)
Robert: You know what, I'm not even really thinking of doing that- haha you think I'm crazy? Man that’s a good way to get sent to Abraxas, I'm not stupid!
Mom: You're right! That would be a great way to be sent to abraxas! Oh. So you just said that about running?
Robert: Yeah, so that you would help me out- but your being such an a$$hole- that's why I had to lie to you.
Mom: OK, im' going to go now.
Robert: You're not going to say anything about this then?
Mom: I’m going to mention to your Counselor that you tried to manipulate me by lying, that you admitted that it was a lie, and that I think that was good, but they should keep an eye on you just in case.
Robert: You're ruining my life you know that don't you?
Mom: Apparently yes
Robert: I'm twice as depressed, no three times as depressed, as when Lloyd talked to me- he was bad enough but he's a PO so they pay him to be a d$$k- but you? You're my mother and you're acting like you don't even want me home!
Mom: I’m sure this is a lot to digest- lets talk later bye honey give me a hug.
Robert: I wouldn't get close to you if you was the only mother left on earth?
Mom: Hahaha. (A soft laugh- not a hahaha at him so much as just amused sort of laugh)
Robert: You laughing at me?
Mom: It's just funny what you said- you're hilarious Robert even now you haven't lost your sense of humor. It's one of the things I've always love about you.
Robert: [glares]
Mom: But it just makes me love you more. [positive affirming statement- even in "tough love" scenarios there is usually a way to lay the love on ;-)]
Robert; What the hell was so funny?
Mom: Never mind I'm not sure it would be funny to you.
Robert : What, tell me?
Mom: Ok, well you said if I was the last mother on earth- I am! I'm sort of the last mother on earth that you have, aren’t I?
Robert: Walks away mutting "MKothers! Mother f%^kers is more like it!"
Discussion: This started out as an email where the mother was telling me that she was trying to keep him "up." My advice was not to attempt even to keep him "up." It's his problem now. Tell him you feel confident that he can handle whatever comes down the pike. Don't weigh in on the halfway house idea yet. Tell him you are not sure at this point. Yes, that makes him more depressed but really he needs to see that you are not still invested so closely into making sure he feels better. Sometimes when you go through treatment you won't feel "up" and that's OK. It's a safe place to feel "down."
"There is no limit to the advice or solutions that we give our teens, for every sort of problem. But we seem to fail at giving them enough problems to solve." I forget who said that but it wasn't me.
How are our teenagers going to gain confidence if they can't solve problems? Also, giving solutions all the time reflects an underlying premise that you feel your teen is so incompetent that he couldn't figure out anything for himself. That's a confidence killer. Your teenager is competent. He can come up with solutions. He can work through depression. He can consider his options. Yes, he can also make mistakes and where possible learn from making those mistakes.
Also, double-check with staff that he is acting depressed. Sometimes teenagers want us, parents and POs to think they are suffering and miserable, but they aren't really acting that way at all when we aren't there. It's worth checking out.
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As we await the finding and the eminent incarceration of “AWOL Andy - Day 6” I received this writing on Friday and actually giggled when reading what is behind that new door opening.
As parents of addicts we all have been standing in this ‘Hallway of Hell’ desperately trying to get back out, shut and triple dead bolt the door of addiction out of our families.
"Whenever One Door Closes Another Always Opens, Even Though, Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway!"
I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone.....
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only Faith keeps You Going.
"Worry looks around,Sorrow looks back,Faith looks up."
Change the World....one act of random kindness at a time!
~ excerpt from Tequila & Salt - author unknown
Cheryl, Jim & AWOL-Andy
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Shattered Dreams
Posted by:Jenn--Wednesday, August 03, 2011
 An article just published in the Pittsburgh Tribune Review highlights once more the dangers of smoking synthetic marijuana. A 13-year-old teen from Westmoreland County is fighting for his life in Children's Hospital, his lungs damaged so badly that he is on a respirator to keep him alive. It's just one more reminder of why we as PSST parents need to keep up the fight for our children - their hopes, their dreams, and their very lives may be hanging in the balance.
Click on this Link for the Full Article
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