The Prodigal is not a "happy camper" today. I think he is starting to realize (duh!) that we are / may be actually serious that to live at home he cannot use drugs (even "just" weed), as a lifestyle.
Here is my take on what I think his thought process has been since coming home in January (after being out of the house for 2 months because of his drug use);
he didn't use drugs at first because he was given random drug screens and he was afraid of being thrown out of the house again. The rules were if the results were positive for any chemicals he would be thrown out immediately; and 3 sequential positive tests for weed / THC and he would need to find someplace else to live until the drug tests were negative, then he would need to re-negotiate the terms for coming home again.
Then, as time went on, he would probably take a toke or two of weed here and there and hope it was below the level to be detected on tests or that the tests would be far enough apart that the levels would go down before we asked for a test. That worked for a while.
he started blazing occasionally and diluting his urine samples (it took me a bit to catch on)
once he got caught diluting his urine samples, he tried to actually stop weed which lasted a bit
THEN he started taking a toke here and there, hoping the TCH was was below the level to be detected and acting civilized. He calculated that as long as he was "nice" we wouldn't do drug tests or if they were positive, we wouldn't make a big deal about it, because we kept telling him how glad we were that he was home (and in his mind the "real" issue that got him thrown out of the house in November 2010 was his bad behaviour, not his drug use).
THEN 10 days ago, he stayed out of the house for several days (first time AWOL since coming home). He didn't call, we had no idea where he was. When he finally did come home, he was given a urine specimen container and told not dilute it. He decided to tell us ahead of time that "THC would pop up" and had positive test #1. [He would have had previously positive tests but had been diluting his urine specimens for a few weeks. We started asking for morning urine specimens because they should be dark yellow in colour!] Note: he only told us that the drug test would be positive only because the contract we made with him to move home says that if he doesn't tell us before we do the test and the results are positive for any drugs, that he would be immediately out of the house.The test being positive was "strike one" of a "three strikes you're out" policy that was written into his contract when he returned home.
he knew he would be given another urine test this past Tuesday (1 week later), and did his best to stay off weed so he would get a negative test, but went AWOL again on Monday night. He didn't call, didn't message and we had no idea if was safe or what.
he came home yesterday, was given a urine specimen container, he decided to tell us (again) that "THC would pop up" (positive test #2).
He was told he needed to see his drug counsellor Wednesday or Thursday of this week AND that he was expected to get a negative drug test in 10 days to remain living at home.
He was told if that test in 10 days is positive (i.e. positive test #3) he would be asked to find someplace to live until he got a negative drug screen and we renegotiated the terms for him to move back home.
I think for the very first time, The Prodigal is starting to realize that we are prepared to (in his mind, "may") carry through with what we have been saying from the beginning i.e. "to live at home you have to (1) remain in drug counselling or be involved in attending a 12 step program AND (2) you need to continue to have and pass random drug screens
Update on the Prodigal ~ By Joy Y
Posted by:Sally--Thursday, May 19, 2011
Reflections from Mother's Day by "June"
Posted by:Sally--Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Mother's Day found me - once again - in the car on my way to visit Beaver in treatment. The ride is just long enough that I can argue both sides of a story and come to a conclusion. I have to admit I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. "Why can't I just have a normal Mother's Day? I don't even have to have breakfast in bed. Just being able to be at home, and not visiting in a room with other parents. " Unfortunately hearing all their problems with their child just exacerbates my self pity.
Once off the highway, the traveling is actually quite pleasant. I actually came upon a Norman Rockwell scene--old, dilapidated but well loved farm, 3 horses in the front pasture and a colt snuggling up to it's mother's side, and 2 fat, white ducks with huge orange feet waddling along and taking a dip in the rain filled ditch. Okay, I've pulled my head out of my behind. "Enjoy the day, June" I say to myself.
I arrive at the facility and I'm surprised to see that there are not too many cars in the lot. What's up with this? Isn't it Mother's Day? Aren't you supposed to see the child you bore? After reflecting on the amount of hours labor took, the recovery time, and the 'deflated balloon' look to my stomach might put you off a bit, but hey........wasn't that all part of the deal?
Beaver came out to get me, and he was all smiles. I too was happy. My son, my baby boy!! "Happy Mother's Day" Beaver said. "Thanks Beav" I replied. We went in to sit down, with 3 other families and siblings. Family #1 is fighting with junior telling him there is no way in God's green earth are they taking him home. Family #2 is trying to deal with junior trying to escape a couple days ago. Family #3 is trying desperately to have a conversation, but junior has dug his feet in and is not talking, so there is a lot of awkward silences, throat clearing, and foot shuffling.
Beaver said "I'm sorry you had to come visit me here Mom". I replied "I'm sorry too, Beaver. I did my share of crying on the way up here, but I got to thinking [remember I said I could work through any problem?} and I figured the alternative was worse". "Oh" Beaver said laughing, "I guess it would be worse in jail. LOL" "Well, that wasn't exactly what I was thinking of when I said 'alternative'. I meant it would be so much worse visiting you at your gravesite and putting flowers there. Your drug of choice is a horrific one, and can kill you. If you had not been stopped from your downward spiral, you would probably be dead. So in that regard, I do not think it's too bad visiting you here" said June.
Beaver's reaction to my statement was as if he had been slapped hard across the face. He actually sat back in his chair as if to say "woah". I have never been so blunt to him before, and I suppose my words sound harsh to anyone else. But I hope that maybe, just maybe, he actually heard what I was saying.
When it was time to go Beaver said "I'm sorry again Mom that you had to visit me here". "Next year I want you to bake me a cake, because you'll be home and clean" said June. "And I'm glad to visit you because you are my son and I love you."
My last reflection...........is it just me, or is it the little boy in my head that I miss so much, or is it the one who sits in front of me now. At different treatment facilities--- at Easter, Christmas, Mother's Day, birthdays........... June will have to take another ride to ponder this.
A Poem Dedicated to All Mothers Who Have Lost or Wayward Children - Discovered by Cheryl, A PSST Mom
Posted by:Sally--Wednesday, May 18, 2011
This poem is dedicated to all the mothers who have lost and wayward children.
Don't loose your faith in God who can bring them back to the fold.
Where is the mother of the prodigal son
On that day so long ago?
What were her thoughts
And what were her fears
As she watched him turn to go?
How many times in the dark of night
Did the tears slide down her face?
Did she get out of bed
And fall on her knees,
Just to pray that her boy was safe?
How were the days when she did not know
Was he alive? Was he warm? Was he well?
Who were his friends?
And where did he sleep?
Was there anyone there she could tell?
But, oh, on that day when she looked down the road
As she had looked since her son went away,
Did love unspeakable flood her soul?
Did she cry?
What did she say?
I think when the father had welcomed their son
And the boy had greeted his brother,
That the servants made a path
For him to enter the door
And the waiting arms of his mother.
Evening, and morning, and at noon, will I pray,
and cry aloud: and he shall hear my voice.
- Psalm 55:17
I hope and pray this brought comfort to those of you that have children that are away from God. Do you know someone that could use this encouragement? Please pass this along to them. God Bless you.
Love, Chris [AKA Momof9]
Read More......
Mom Files Act 53 to Get Her Son the Help He Needs - By Wilma
Posted by:Sally--Sunday, May 15, 2011
I was so close with my son, we did so much together-children's theater, the zoo, adventure guides, kennywood, family get togethers- In my wildest dreams I never thought there would come a day that I would be going to court to try and get my son into inpatient treatment......
Today is Mother's Day and I spent about two minutes of it visiting my son, Bam Bam, at the inpatient facility he is in.
It has been a stressful week but I am so thankful he is where he is.
We started the week last Sunday going to my nephew's first communion. I kept thinking back to Bam Bam's 9 years ago. My cousins daughter and he are the same age, same grade in the same school district. We planned on them making their communions the same day, she worked it out that they walked side by side. They looked so cute, so innoncent, so happy. How simple life was back then. I was so close with my son, we did so much together-children's theater, the zoo, adventure guides, kennywood, family get togethers- In my wildest dreams I never thought there would come a day that I would be going to court to try and get my son into inpatient treatment.
The day we planned on telling him I had filed an ACT 53 petition just happened to be 4-20. I didn't know the significance of this date until that morning when one of our PSST deputies texted and e-mailed exactly what was supposed to happen on this date! How ironic. We had already scheduled our in-home therapist to come to our house and we would tell him together. That day at work he called to tell me he wanted drug tested that day. Of course I wasn't going to- since he was asking I suspected he was probably taking something to mask the test and I don't have a test to test the masking agents! I had tested him a couple weeks before and he was POSITIVE.
When I got home Bam Bam kept saying he didn't want to stay for our appointment with the therapist he was going out with friends but we insisted. He laid on the couch completely disinterested in the meeing. Our therapist laid down some ground rules and then I told him about the petition I had filed and that the judge ordered a hearing. I had everything written down so I would remember to say everything I wanted to say and so that I would hopefully remain calm. And I did. I explained that I was doing this for him,to save his life. He was angry but didn't get out of control. He told me, his dad and our therapist that he was smarter than all of us. He said he would go back to outpatient but that this time he would be serious about it. (He had failed miserably going from IOP, to partial and the next step for him was in-patient-using the whole time.) He told us he wouldn't go to the hearing and we explained to him if he didn't show there would be another hearing and he would be forced to go. His dad told him that he would probably anger the judge but Bam Bam told his dad he was smarter than the judge and the lawyer that would be assigned to him. Through all this he did seem nervous and couldn't believe I took this step. Of course I'm crazy and everyone knows it!
During the next two weeks we worked at keeping things as calm as possible. I kept waiting for uncontrollable anger and outbursts but they didn't happen-just some arguments that didn't escalate to where we had to call the police. We had some curfew issues but he did come home before we had to call for reinforcements. Periodically Bam Bam would tell me he wasn't going to the hearing and I would just reiterate that if he didn't show there would be another one and a sherrif's deputy would be escorting him to the hearing. For two long weeks we all had to live together with the upcoming hearing always there with us. The tension was awful. My husband wasn't completly on board and of course Bam Bam doesn't think he has a problem.
The day of the hearing arrived and Bam Bam told me that he wasn't going. I told him he was and then proceeded to get ready. I thought I'd be calling the therapist but he did get dressed and just before we left he started again but did get in the car and off to court we went. at court our team consisted of my lawyer, our therapist, our agency case manager and the wonderful act 53 coordinator. I briefly met with my lawyer, Bam Bam met with his, we all met with act 53 and then Bam Bam had his d&a assessment. The person who met with him didn't have any prior information about him and hadn't seen the petition so she was completely objective. The recommendation was in-patient. Now Bam Bam had to go for his drug test. By the time all of this was done, we are ready for the judge and then LUNCH TIME. I was devastated. He was becoming more agitated and I didn't know what would happen, if we could keep him there. But he went with me, our agency coordinator and therapist to lunch. When we went in the restaurant he asked me to buy him cigarettes, told me I should give him the money but I refused. He stayed with us and we went back to court. there were two trials ahead of us and we were told it was going to be hours before it was our turn. my lawyer had one more case and then was going back to her office to wait for the judge's tipstaff to call when it was our turn. everyone else is making phone calls since they don't know how long they will be here. It was proposed to Bam Bam to agree to inpatient and the judge would sign the order without everyone having to wait the several hours for a hearing. He refused. At this point he had a conversation with his lawyer and after what was said to him he came up to me and called me a f#$%% liar so I went and sat in another part of the waiting area. This was the first time our agency svc coordinator and therapist had heard Bam Bam speak to me this way. His true colors were coming out and we were at Juvenlie Court! Act 53 coordinator came back and seeing the changed seating came and spoke with me. She then spoke with Bam Bam.
After about a half hour he was more agitated and said he wanted to know what he could do so he didn't have to wait. So now lawyers, kid, act 53 all confer. He agrees to go to inpatient to be assesed and agree to the facility recommendations. (I know he's thinking he will wrangle his way out of it somehow) so we get the court order without having to wait at least 2 or more hours for a hearing. By this time it is about 2:30 p.m. and we have been here since 9:00 a.m. After his outburst I have been waiting for wall punching, more swearing, explosive behavior. I didn't really think he would run because he doesn't know his way around the city but you never know. He asks for a notebook to write down stuff he wants us to bring to the facility. After the order is signed by the judge he waits for transport to the facility and we get to leave finally! It is raining and gloomy. The first thing I do when we get home is report his phone as lost or stolen to turn off the service as he told me at court he gave it to a friend to hold for him in case he was going to rehab. When we take his stuff to the facility I meet the person who brought him from court. I am surprised that it wasn't some gigantic vin diesel look alike escort. I'm told he was very polilte, no problems and told them he would be leaving in two weeks. By thursday his therapist tells me understands he will be there longer than two weeks!!
So today is Mother's Day and we go for a visit. Since there is a 5-day no contact rule and today is day 5 I had confirmed with the therapist that he could have visitors but when we get there we are not on a list. We wait about 20 minutes and it is o.k to see him. We are taken back to a classroom with other parents and kids and Bam Bam comes in. He is surprised as he didn't think he could have visitors. He asks us if we mind but he doesn't want to visit. When his dad goes to shake his hand Bam Bam winces. His knuckles are bruised and he tells us he was punching things yesterday but didn't elaborate. When we are leaving they ask us to wait he wants to see us. He came out and wished me a happy mother's day, gave me a hug and of course asked us to bring other clothes when we return on Tuesday.
I am not completely relaxed (yet) but I am happy knowing where he is and that he is safe. I have been told to enjoy this time that he is away so I have been doing some "normal" things. I don't know what is next but for now I know that I don't have to worry 24/7 about where is, with whom and what he is doing.
Wilma
Act 53 Information for Allegheny County
Pierre Has A Relapse - By Brigitte, a PSST Mom
Posted by:Sally--Monday, May 09, 2011
A DARK WEEK - By Brigitte, a PSST Mom
Thanks to all of you at today's PSST meeting for your encouragement, support and hugs. Francois and I were feeling pretty low by the time we got to the meeting. We had to leave before elaborating, so here's the "short form" of what has transpired these past two weeks:
As most of you know, Pierre (16, weed) spent two weeks at the YYAP program and we reported he was doing well the first three weeks at home. We were "cautiously optimistic".
Week 4 rolled around and it was as if a switch had flipped--behavior and attitude had started to change. When I found out Pierre had skipped a few classes, I gave him a drug test, which he failed. He told us he found some weed in his room and that it was only one time. (Um, sure)
After 2 days of searching, we found 2 new bongs in the yard and 4 baggies inside his couch. His PO Sean gave him house detention for 2 weeks and his last opportunity to turn it around.
DAY 3 OF HOUSE DETENTION: I awoke at midnight, spider senses tingling, and walked into Pierre's room. I thought I smelled weed. Next morning, a search of his room uncovered….electrical tape. Electrical tape = trouble. Pierre has become the Master Bong Maker and I'm entirely sure he could put a Third World assembly line to shame. After an exhaustive search, we found a bag of weed, taped with electrical tape, to the inside, top of his dresser. A call to his PO followed.
Pierre was picked up at school, handcuffed and taken to Shuman where he was held for 5 days. This was the scariest time for us. When we saw him, his knuckles were swollen and bleeding, he had been crying, and he told us repeatedly he was going to kill himself. An alert to the staff and several texts to Pierre's PO assured us he would be safe.
While at Shuman, Pierre told us that his relapse was due in part to his younger brother Jaques drug use in front of him. We confronted Jaques who denied involvement, and gave him a drug test (it was positive, imagine that!). We called three of his close friends' parents and they screened their kids who also tested positive. We held a meeting with all the kids and parents, set up consequences and made a plan for going forward.
As an added caveat, Pierre's youngest brother Louis, who was adopted and has a myriad of emotional issues, had a horrendous week emotionally. It ended with him being bullied and punched in the mouth during an encounter at school. We have stepped up our search for an alternative school for him.
Pierre is now at the Gateway YES program for the next 3 months. His counselors reported to me that he is respectful and following the program. Our first two visits have revealed the other side of him--angry and defiant. We left today's visit early after he became verbally abusive. It's early in the program and we are hopeful that we will see meaningful change as the program progresses.
THE SILVER LINING:
Although we are tempted to wallow in how bad things seem, we are sincerely thankful that all three of our boys are alive and safe. That means there is hope for recovery.
Because of the support we received from Pierre's PO Sean and his therapist Danielle, we were able to remain calm and focused throughout most of this ordeal. Because of the ongoing support we receive from PSST, we feel we can continue providing Pierre and his brothers with the help they need.
ADVICE?
Does anyone have advice/experience on alternative schools for Pierre to finish out his senior year? We've heard of Community in Schools, cyber school, 4th Quarter (?), Presley Ridge. Pierre has also mentioned getting his GED, which we aren't the least bit excited about. He doesn’t want, and we don't want him, to go back to Bethel Park High School. Most of his contacts and friends there are users.
We are looking at ACLD Tillotson for Pierre's youngest brother. Does anyone have any experience with the school?
What is your opinion on underage addicts smoking cigs? Although we are both opposed to smoking, Francois and I initially allowed Pierre to smoke after leaving YYAP. Our thought was that it was asking too much to quit tobacco and weed at the same time. However, Pierre relapsed with weed after continuing to smoke cigs. We are thinking about banning tobacco altogether.
Finally, Happy Mother's Day to all you fabulous PSST mothers. We marvel at your strength, humor, and tenacity; you are the ultimate "Tiger Moms".
Brigitte and Francois
