|
|
Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
 A Happy Mother's Day to:
To mothers everywhere who fight the good fight.
To mothers all over who live with the fright
that their teenagers might die from this deadly disease...
To mothers who try so hard to fix things up so that their
teens won't suffer when they screw things up.
To mothers who cry at night for all that they have lost
To mothers who cry for what they fear they will loose.
To mothers who know that every time they say goodbye
It could be the last time they look in their children's eyes.
To mothers who take matters into their own hands
who decide to do whatever it takes.
To mothers who come to awkward meetings with strangers
if they think they might learn some important new thing
To mothers who think that now armed with this new knowledge
they can make a difference.
To mothers who strive to use the Courts, the police, the school,
the parents of their teen's friends, ACT 53,outpatient, church pastors, family therapists, support group meetings, (who turn over every last stone.)
To mothers who refuse to give up on their drug-driven teens
but who refuse to enable one more month, week, day or even minute
because they know how horrible each enabling act can be.
To mothers who rise above the fear- who stand up to their teenager
even though they are scared - scared of death but scared of more-
scared that teenagers will love them no more.
To mothers who agree to be the bad guy
and stand up to their teenagers every time they get high.
To mothers who have from time to time seen their teen get it together and experience the sober-mind.
To mothers who have seen some great turn-around
and this brings about the joy you have sought.
And yet even so- this is to you mothers who still live in fear
that even when things are going good that the disease is still there.
Happy Mothers Day as you strive to make things right,
because you fight this fight at great sacrifice.
There are no greater heroes, be they large or small,
who can hold a candle to you all.
Wishing you all the happiness and success with your teen even beyond your hopes.
Originally Posted by:Lloyd Woodward on Sunday, May 09, 2010
NOTE: we had 17 parents yesterday meet at Eastern Probation Offices. Thanks to Kathie T for facilitating the second part of the meeting. And thanks to Max for running it.
In the first part of the meeting we did a role-play that really hit home how difficult it is to STOP the ARGUING. Jessica was good sport and thanks to Jessica for providing the scenario. It was a great one to learn from.
It was difficult to know what issues to address first. We decided that the first thing to address was to put a boundary down, where Herman was not allowed to have veto power over the words that his parents decided to use, especially in regards to the R word and the D word and the A word (Recovery, Disease, Addiction). Parents can have no real power as long a teen is powerful enough to choose his parents words. Of course we don't want to call our teens names, belittle them, yell, or otherwise abuse them, but other than that we can use the vocabulary that is available to other citizens. GO PARENT EMPOWERMENT. POWER TO THE MOMS!
We are no longer allowing our teens to play the "That's disrespectful to me" card whenever they want to control something. For example, is it disrespectful to search a child's room? Maybe. But do we do it? Sure. Is it disrespectful to call their friend's peer's parents and let them know what's doing on? Sure. But we do it. Is it disrespectful to call in a drug dog from the police and have them search your child's room? Sure. But when we can, or when we think we need to do it we do it. Is it hurtful?
Well, I think anytime parents encroach on the enormous amount of power that their drug using teenager has acquired it can be hurtful. "Hey, mom, it really hurts me that you won't let me have an unsupervised party here at the house where my friends all feel safe enough to drink and do drugs!" Let's fry this red herring in a pan and eat it up cause it's time parents saw through this respect and hurt my feelings thing. We need to say, "nevertheless" and "regardless" get over it!!
Share
Read More......
You know that you are working with someone who is oppositional when you are trying to agree with a part of what they are saying and it's not going well. I'm not just talking about teenagers. Teenagers learn it from us. People seemed programed to argue. More and more I believe that we talk to much anyway. Sometimes no response at all is called for- just good eye contact- good body-language is the key to good listening. Then sprinkle in some words here and there. Sort of like that poster from World War II where it says, Have a Cup of Shut The (heck) Up.
When parents begin using this on teenagers there are a couple of things to watch out for. First, the "but." It's natural when you start to do this to lay down the horrible "but," after-which you make you're point, and the agreement is washed away. Erased. Didn't even happen. It usually feels like a manipulative ploy by the teenager and it tends to make him angrier or more annoyed. Just make the agreement and pause. See what happens. Wait till he asks you if that means blah blah blah. Then you can say, "well, no the price of tea in china hasn't changed, but I see that it's not your cup of tea is it?"
The second thing to watch out for is that your teenager will catch on easily that you are doing this and will protest. When that happens, you've arrived! This means that he is acknowledging that you are changing, and since that change gives you more power, he doesn't like it. Now you can have a cup of Way To Go Joe!
This happened to me recently with a 16 year-old we will call Johnny. I was meeting with Johnny and his mother.
Johnny: I can't stand it when she agrees with me. I hate that. I just want her to talk normal. That's that psychology stuff she learns in group. I can't stand that.
Lloyd: You can tell she's doing it and that's pretty annoying.
Johnny: Yes, and you're doing it now- stop it- I hate that.
Lloyd: It does suck. I mean, it's so easy to spot it- you can see right through us when we do it- it's like we think we're being slick or something and really, we're not slick at all!
Johnny: Yeah, and oh [Glares] you're still doing it aren't you?
Lloyd: Yes.
Johnny: [- get's up and walks away; however, he returned after five minutes and he seemed more accepting that we will choose our own words.]
You see- this is listening- but not allowing the teenager to choose what words come out of our mouth. That's important. In many homes, parents have surrendered the power to decide what words will come out of their own mouth. It's more like they have given the teen veto power over their phrase making. The rationale is that if I say it this way or that way, it will upset him- so I'll say it a different way. So, the parent completely takes on the responsibility that if the teen is angry it is their fault that they said things the wrong way. Once this is set as the norm- the teenager has maneuvered into a very powerful position. Imagine dealing with someone at work, or even someone you know socially, who has veto power over the way you say things!
We cannot give up the power to decide what words come out of our own mouth. Yes, if we are name-calling, yelling, belittling, or verbally abusive then we need to change that. On the other hand, we are free to ask our son about his "recovery?" Especially, if he is in a halfway house anyhow that should be acceptable; however, he replies, "that really hurts my feelings that you would say that I'm in recovery!" Oh well, have a cup of that's Just Too Bad. We decide what words to use as long as it's not abusive because otherwise we have given up too much power and we can't govern our homes without power.
More on this who decides how I say thing in the next post.
For more on this oppositional stuff click the link to the right (there's another role-play too :-): Are We As Oppositional As Our Teenagers
Share
Read More......
These are things that teenagers usually come up with after they are discharged from inpatient treatment. They might be red-flags that a relapse is around the corner. Sometimes I see these thinking errors crop up even before discharge. A relapse can be set up before the release from rehab. There may be some shred of truth to all 12; however the disease uses these truths to move people away from recovery and closer to relapse.
(1) You decide that meetings aren't helping. You believe that meetings only make you want to get high. You tell your PO that you shouldn't have to go to meetings anymore because you aren't getting anything out of them.
(2) You decide that it's OK to be with friends that use as long as they don't use around you. You tell your PO that your old friends are no problem.
(3) You decide that your PO and your parents know almost nothing about recovery and that anything they have to say is unimportant. You've decided that people in "the rooms" are the only ones you have to listen to. You tell your PO and parents to "quit trying to work my program for me." "I don't want anyone telling me how to stay clean. Are you a drug addict? No. So you don't know anything about it do you?"
(4) You decide that staying in contact with old friends that you used with is OK as long as you don't hang out. Texting, facebook, phone calls, etc. are OK. You tell your PO that contact with old friends is no problem because you don't really hang out with them.
(5) You decide that the only rule you have to follow is to stay clean. All the other "rules" aren't important. "Just so they don't bust me with a bad urine," you tell yourself, "and I'm sure I'll be OK."
(6) You decide that you don't want to be one of those people that can't live a normal life because they are addicted to meetings. "They are in some sort of cult," you tell yourself "and I wanted more variety in my life." You've been out of the rehab for 30 days but already you are afraid that you might become so addicted to meetings that you can't have any life outside of meetings.
(7) You decide that you'll make one big exception to the Old People, Places and Things rule. You'll date the opposite sex no matter if they use drugs because it's too hard to find a clean person to date. You tell yourself that it's OK as long as it's not drugs that you want.
(8) You decide it's too boring to be in recovery. It's OK to be clean and live dirty. For example, I can go to raves and not use. I can sell drugs and not use. I sneak out and be out all night. I can lie to my parents about where I was. I can shoplift. I'm young, I can be a "player" and have several girlfriends or boyfriends and let them all think I'm "going steady" with them. I can do any of these and still have a strong recovery program going on.
(9) You decide you're different. You think, I'm not like other addicts and I don't have to follow the same rules or take the same suggestions. When you go to meetings you focus on how different you are and you miss the similarities between yourself and other addicts. For example, you focus on how much more drugs and for how many more years they used than you did. You don't look at how much trouble drugs caused you and how much trouble other addicts had because of their drug problems.
(10) You believe that you "got this." You hated having to leave your home to enter into a rehab and you know you'll never do anything that will lead to loss of your freedom again. You are a 101 percent convinced that it's going to be that easy. No need to worry about it any longer. After rehab you're sure you don't even want to get high anymore.
(11) You decide that you are expert at knowing if and when you need to go to a meeting. And you'll go, IF you need to.
(12) You figure that being on probation is your big problem. Not your disease. In fact, it might seem to you like probation is holding you back from really recovering. You might think that if you don't finally get off probation you'll pick up a drug for sure!
For Parents: I think it might be helpful to review these with the teenager while he is still in the rehab. Ask him to pick which of the following might apply. We are asking the teenager to know his disease well enough to predict his disease's next move.
For Teenagers: Really, how well do you know your disease? What's your disease telling you? Can you predict your disease's next move? Can you tell on your disease in discussion meetings, to your sponsor, to your recovering peers, or even to your parents? What would your parents say if you told them that your disease is trying to screw up your recovery by telling you _____?
In recovery thoughts like the above are normal. It doesn't mean that anything is wrong IF you are telling on your disease to other people and if you keep reminding yourself that you can't figure everything out by yourself. Staying clean takes hard work and it takes help from others. Your disease wants you to think that you are strong enough to do it all by yourself. Share
Read More......
CISCO GETS A WEEKEND PASS
It has been awhile since I wrote about our son, Cisco. The reason that I have not written is two-fold.
First, he is starting to make marked improvements and I don't want to jinx it.
Second, I have made some changes of my own; I have learned how to detach. I now focus on other aspects of my life. It seems to me that the real changes started to happen for Cisco when Rocco and I truly started to change our ways.
At one point we told Cisco that he could never return home to live. There are too many triggers at our home and he would have to make his way in the world on his own at eighteen years of age. Maybe this is when Cisco hit his bottom. He was homeless, penniless and most-likely felt like an orphan.
He is living at an adult halfway house, we will call 'Second Run'. I would love to tell you the real name of the place because it is run by a very dedicated and wonderful man, I will call Tom, who is getting through to Cisco. However, I did not ask permission to use the real names of the facility or director so I do not feel comfortable doing so.
Cisco has been at 'Second Run' for four months. There are times when he hates it there but 'Tom' has a way of talking him through things. He doesn't expect Cisco to do everything right. Instead, when Cisco makes a poor decision, Tom discusses it with Cisco and uses it as a learning tool. The best part is that Cisco has not made the choice to walk away from the program.
Cisco's choices are really becoming more positive. However, that issue about returning to our home crops up frequently. It is a goal that Cisco, and also, Rocco and I would like to work towards, however we are keeping neutral on that one for the moment. We acknowledge that the possibility exists, however, it is too early to say so....or to say when. One day at a time.
The first two weeks that Cisco was at 'Second Run' visiting was not allowed. This was followed by short visits at the facility for a few hours. Then he had some home passes that would last for eight to ten hours. Of course, there were some behavioral issues to address concerning the home visits and we did that with Tom's help.
And now, at four months Cisco had his first weekend pass from 'Second Run'. He called me at work in the middle of the week to discuss this. He was required to have a plan to follow for the entire weekend and to stick to it. The plan included visiting with a reliable friend and sleeping at this reliable friends home for one of the two nights.
While sitting in the confines of 'Second Run', Cisco rattled off that he would start out with a sleepover at Bills (he had permission from Bill's mom), he would come home early the next day to help us move grandpap out of his apartment and then do some other chores. He would hang out with some good friends on Saturday night. Then he would go to church with us on Sunday.
He had everything planned out. We even tweaked a few things and he discussed it all with maturity. It felt right so I said let's give it a go.
Friday night came and Rocco and I were out with some friends. I contacted Cisco by cell phone and he had arrived at Bill's house and everything was okay. I told him we wanted to start moving stuff out of grandpap's apartment at 8:30 in the morning.
Well, the next morning, I found out that Rocco told our other son, Frodo, that they would meet at 7:30 to start the move. So Rocco and Frodo left early and I waited to get in touch with Cisco. At 8:15 I attempted to call Cisco but his phone was out of service! I did not panic because Cisco pays for his own phone and it is often shut off because of lack of funds.
However, it was still a pleasant surprise when Rocco called to inform me that he just read a text that Cisco sent on Friday night - "My phone is dead. Call me at Bill's number - 412-555-**** I will try to push myself to get up early tomorrow."
It did take three tries to get through to Cisco on Bill's number since they were up late playing video games. But we started off at 8:50 to help with the move and I felt great. It was so nice to be dealing with normal teenage stuff. Sleeping in 20 minutes late is nothing compared to the struggles of addiction.
Saturday went well. we had a mixture of work and play. Cisco did some chores and then he went out with some friends.
Rocco never did believe that Cisco would go to church with us on Sunday. And of course, when I went to wake Cisco on Sunday morn, he rolled over in bed and said, "Forget it mom, I am tired."
I had to appreciate that we had come a long way from the 'WTF !! HOW DARE YOU EVEN WAKE ME UP FOR THAT CRAP! days.
Rocco did not want a commotion on Sunday morning and even though I was miffed, I did not want a commotion either. So Rocco and I got dressed and we were in the car and ready to go to church sans Cisco.
Rocco turned the key in the ignition and I glanced up in the direction of the patio. There was Cisco relaxing in his shorts, feet up and smoking a cigarette. There was something wrong with this picture.
I jumped out of the car and scooted up the steps to the patio and caught my dress on a nail sticking out from the fence. This got me even madder. I told Cisco, "If you aren't going to church than neither am I."
 I must have looked ridiculous because I was still caught on this nail and I kept batting my hand at my dress but could not pull loose. Cisco said, "You are a religious crazy person, mom."
I could only think of the time he told me that he feigned being sick on Christmas Eve so that he could stay home from church and get high. I suspect it could happen again.
Cisco finally said that he would go to church with us. My dress was no longer caught on the nail. I said fine, go with dad, I am not going to go. I just knew what would happen. He would go to church but he would not pay any attention to what was going on and then he would walk out in the middle of the service to smoke. We had done this too many times before and I will not do it again. You cannot force anyone to have faith. Faith is a gift from God and Cisco has not accepted his gift as of yet.
Rocco suggested that we all go see Cisco's P.O. Lloyd. We were going to do this after church anyway. On the way Rocco came up with a great idea for Cisco's next weekend pass. He asked Cisco to find an NA Meeting that is held on a Sunday morning and that we would find a church that has a service nearby at the same time.
Cisco agreed and the rest of our day went well. We are finally at a point where we can discuss and come to a solution to our conflicts. No shouting matches, no threats, no swearing, no slamming doors, no holes in the wall and no using.
Cisco did go to an NA meeting later that night and we let him drive back to 'Beginning the Walk'. He was proud of the fact that he was out of the facility for 72 hours and was still clean. We agreed and hugged him goodbye until next weekend.
(We found a church that holds their service at the same time as one of Cisco's favorite NA meetings so we have a plan for the next weekend pass.)
Share
Read More......
This was written by Lori back in 2007. (Lori is a long time member of PSST.)
Wilma discovered it yesterday as she was browsing through the archived posts. The message is still relevant today.
I had a little boy once,
My bundle of joy.
Happy, spirited, affectionate.
He is my life.
1. Do not try to fight the disease of Addiction alone.
How do we deal with all those feelings surrounding being parents of a drug addicted teenager? It sure isn’t easy. Could anything in life be worse? Just the heartbreak alone is overwhelming enough, as you watch your child melt away into something you cannot even recognize. Add onto that the added responsibility of doing what is right by your child, by stepping up into your parental authority, as you never had to before. How do we do that? Well know this, regardless of where you live or how educated you are, how competent you think you are, no matter how good of a parent you are or believe that you are, believe this ---- You are in way over your head! You cannot do this alone. You cannot do this in isolation to the family.
CLICK HERE - To read the rest of this archived post. It is worth reading.
Read More......
|
|
A Happy Mother's Day to:
