Summary of Dec 18 PSST Seventh Anniversary Meeting in Mt Lebanon
Recovery in Progress - Building a Super PSSTeam Part III
The turnout for PSST’s Seventh Anniversary / Holiday Celebration in Mt. Lebanon was wonderful.
We had Val and Lloyd from Allegheny County Juvenile Probation, Kathie and Jocelyn from Wesley Spectrum and 23 amazing parents and one sister.
Together we continue to build a Super PSSTeam.
The 23 parents and one sister representing 16 families are known here on the blog as Jessica & Roger, Becky & Tom, June, Max, Daisy, Alice and her daughter Trixie, Sally & Rocco, Candy, Jane, Lindy Lou, Cheryl & Jim, Angela & Tony, and our newest PSST Parents Wilma & Fred, Cagney, Maddie & David and Emma.
FIRST BREAKFAST: We started our final PSST 7th Anniversary / Holiday Celebration an hour early with a wonderful variety of Alice's delicious Peanut Butter Globs (that we need the recipe for), cakes, cookies, chili, clementines (thanks Lindy) and more. We had time to meet and greet each other and to socialize before the start of the meeting (once we found a room large enough to handle the crowd).
Thanks to everybody for the great food and the even greater company.
TIME OUT
Hey, what happened to the time? Do you have any time? Where did the time go? Where did the year go? Can I have a little of your time? I just need a little time. Do you have a few seconds to spare? Ugh! I am out of time. Time out…
…due to the Holidays, a short bout of the flu, and a few last minute cantankerous customers I do sincerely apologize dear readers for this very late and short summary of an excellent meeting.
TIME IN
Each of the parents had an opportunity to discuss their own situation and issues. We talked about how we can handle our troubled teenagers that are at home, our teenagers that are about to return home and about when it is time to tell our teen that it is time to leave home.
Each of these can be a tough situation.
If you are not sure but you suspect drug or alcohol use by your child click on “TIME TO ACT!” and read through the steps. Attend the next PSST Meeting and we will guide you through the ways to deal with your teen and keep order in your home. The sooner you can attend a meeting the sooner you can get the situation under control.
If your troubled child is living at home you need to provide a clear set of rules on how they are to behave and what is expected of them. If they break the rules you need to provide appropriate consequences (consequences that you know that you can follow through with). These can be as simple as grounding them, taking away privileges, cell phones, computer access and i-pods or they can be as serious as having charges filed against them.
One of the key things your teen will need to agree to, is random drug testing. When you come to a PSST Meeting we can explain where you can get the various test kits at a reasonable price.
If your child has left home on their own and is asking to come back home you must insist on their agreement to the same rules and consequences as above. Written contracts are a big help here. One of the rules must be that, prior to their return; they enter a treatment program and are professionally evaluated. This is probably one of the hardest things to hold them to. They will always promise you that they will enter the program as soon as they are allowed to come back home. Stick to it and insist that they enter the program first.
If your teen is in an inpatient recovery program they will relentlessly insist on why they should be home. Before they come home for good; try a few home passes, if offered. Click on Lloyd’s post “Have a Home Pass or Off Grounds Pass with Teen in Placement”
Remember that the one and only purpose of the Home Pass should be that your teen's home time is to be spent with you and your family. This is the time for them to begin to reconnect and heal your relationships. A Home Pass is not to be a time for your teen to have friends over, talk to their friends on the phone or chat on the computer.
Very important: Do not be afraid to share with their counselors how the visit went – good or bad. This will help them in their evaluation of your teen.
If your teen is about to complete their inpatient recovery program and return home; Congratulations! Now spend the last few weeks while they are still in the program getting your family ready for their return. Follow the same steps above about setting clear rules, expected behaviors and consequences. Be strong and insist on the terms being spelled out in a written contract. Do not expect your child to readily agree to all of the terms. That’s okay.
If they are going to act out then let them do it while they are in their program and they are under the care of professional counseling. Remember that the terms of their contract can be modified by you at any time depending on their behavior – good or bad.
And then we have the case of your child acting out at home and it's time to go. Your child will not follow our rules, refuses counseling and/or may be using. They may or may not have completed a recovery program. The time to act is NOW not the next time they are caught in the act.
If your child is a minor there are options like Act 53 (asking the Court to declare your child to be in need of involuntary drug and/or alcohol treatment services) or for you to file charges to have them placed on probation. Come to a PSST Meeting for further advice on how to do this.
PSSTip: Never throw away drugs or drug paraphernalia that you find – this is evidence – bag it, date it and either lock it in a safe place or take to a trusted friend/family member or to the local police.
If your child is already on probation and has a consent decree do not hesitate to work with your probation officer and have them sanctioned. If your teen cooperates you can drive them to Shuman Center. If they do not want to cooperate call your local police and have them taken to Shuman Center.
If your child is no longer a minor you need to tell them that it is time for them to leave. They may leave willingly or you may need to engage the local police to escort them out. If necessary get a Protection from Abuse Order (PFA). Click on “The Allegheny County DA’s web site explaining the PFA”
Always consider your safety and the safety of your family first.
If and when they ask to come back home (and if you have left that possibility open) you will need to follow the steps above.
Time to Take Immediate Action
Both suicide threats and attempts should always be taken very seriously.
The threat of suicide can be frightening enough to cause some parents to “walk on eggshells” and to give their child whatever they want.
PLEASE NOTE: Even if you feel that your child’s suicide threat is nothing more than a manipulative tactic you need to IMMEDIATELY take them to the nearest emergency room for an evaluation.
If they are truly suicidal they will receive the help they need. If the child was merely using the threat as a manipulative tactic to get their way, the trips to the E.R. and the evaluation will tend to discourage them from using this as a tactic in the future.
Never ignore or minimize a suicide threat or a suicide attempt.
Please feel free to attend a PSST Meeting to discuss any of these situations. There is no cost or obligation.
PSST is here to assist and support concerned parents to take the power back, to regain control of their teens, their home and their own lives. The meetings are a place where you can talk openly with professionals and other parents about your own situation. We understand where you are at because we have been in a similar place. You will notice a lot of us nodding in agreement with you.
A note to new parents attending their first PSST Meeting: The first meeting may seem a bit overwhelming and you might feel a little uncomfortable. That is okay. Sally and I felt that way when we attended our first meeting three years ago. We now wish that we would have stuck it out longer. Regardless, we were happy to return two years later for our second meeting and find acceptance as well as a lot of support, wisdom and understanding. Our family is now healing, we are hopeful and heading in the right direction.
We had some final discussion for those who needed it and some final comments.
A COUPLE OF LOOSE ENDS
Jessica and Roger have a 16 year old son Herman who probably should have spent a little more time in his inpatient recovery program or transitioned home through a halfway house. Either way he was not ready to return home and has been acting out for the last few weeks. Unfortunately despite their parental intuition that Herman was not ready the “experts” told them he was. It also seems as if the “experts” are still undermining their efforts to get their son under their control.
Jessica noted that one of her problems is that she is "Pathologically Compliant to Authority Figures". I believe this holds true for a lot of us parents going though something like this for the first time. Nevertheless, do not be afraid to disagree with the “experts” and voice your concerns strongly.
Jessica spoke with Herman’s teachers and they agreed that he is hanging with the wrong friends. She checked his cell phone and found some disturbing messages. Jessica advised that you may need to go to urbandictionary.com in able to translate some of your teen’s messages.
When she confronted Herman with the text message he first, of course, denied it and then tried to explain how he dialed, and sent, the message “accidently” because his phone was in his back pocket. To her amazement, and amusement, he then tried to demonstrate how this is possible.
PSSTip: If you manage to get hold of your teen’s cell phone and find disturbing messages:
1. Forward these messages to your own phone. This way you have a copy of the message and a date of when you found it.
2. Confiscate the cell phone (even if it is their phone and they paid for it) and keep it as evidence.
Lloyd explained that yet another tool for when our teens act out is a Walk-in Detention Hearing.
If your child is on probation and is out of your control then you can contact their probation officer and tell them you need a Walk-in Detention Hearing at Shuman Center. One of two things will happen. Your child will either be released home with certain restrictions, or they will be detained at Shuman until appropriate action can be determined. Either way the Walk-in Detention Hearing will send your child a clear message.
Jane did not get exactly the result that she hoped for at her son Elroy’s hearing. Elroy was returned home. As soon as he got home his father George caved in to Elroy. He was ready, willing and able to immediately begin enabling Elroy – allowing him onto Facebook and to hang out with his old “friends”.
Jane has worked very hard over the last half year to get her son the help that he needs.
George, like many parents of teen drug abusers, doesn’t want to, or can’t, face up to what it takes to help his child. Their favorite mantra is “They will be 18 soon and then they will be on their own!” Unfortunately this does nothing to help the child or heal their family. Their child will end up like most addicts – in an institution, in jail or dead.
Fortunately Jane still has the Juvenile System on her side and, as Val noted, the Judge warned Elroy that he will be back in Shuman Center as soon as he screws up one time. It typically will not take our teens all that long to screw up. And then even George doesn’t get to supersede the Judge.
On a more pleasant note Alice’s son Ed is in a much better place than he was one year ago. Ralph could not make it to this meeting because he and Ed were attending their monthly father-son church function.
Editor’s Note: Daisy, if you really want to take notes please feel free. There was a lot to remember. If I missed anything, anybody, or got something wrong or you just want to comment please do so at the bottom of this post or send your comments to sallyservives@gmail.com
I am just about OUT OF TIME
Thanks to our Super PSST Pros for putting this program together and being there for us parents.
Thanks again to all who attended this meeting. It was outstanding to see how many concerned parents there are. When you look around the room you will see a lot of other parents that understand where you are coming from.
Our sincere thanks to Outreach Teen and Family Services for the use of their First Class Facilities.
Just One More Thought Before This Year Ends
From Dr. Twerski's Sober Thought
Suffering Can Bring Us Together - "It may be selfish of me, but I cannot agree with a recovering person who said, 'I curse whoever invented these **** drugs!'
If it had not been for mind-altering chemicals, how would I ever have met and come to know so many wonderful people?
I am an avid reader, so I could have spent all my nonworking time exploring many interesting subjects. While that would have increased my knowledge, it would not have provided the emotional enrichment that comes from sharing with people in recovery.
No history, philosophy, or even theology book has the warmth of a sincere hug. The Twelve Step fellowships provide more character development than books and lectures. Nor is the opportunity to give or receive help as readily available as in the fellowships. Coming to these experiences through chemical dependence is quite costly.
Yet suffering can bring people together more than anything else.
While we may wish we had never encountered the chemicals that have been so injurious, let's not forget that mutual suffering has brought us close to one another."
While Sally and I truly wish that none of us ever had to suffer through what we went through this year (and that our children were merely working through “normal” teenage issues); we are sincerely thankful that we had the opportunity to meet such loving and caring people that we never would have met otherwise. We feel truly blest to know you all and call you friends.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday, January 8 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Trinity Lutheran Church 2500 Brandt School Road, Wexford, PA 15090
C'mon in and join us.
Our PSST meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life.
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Summary - PSST Meeting Dec 18, 2010 - SUPPORT, LOVE & NEVERTHELESS
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, December 27, 2010
Eight Things I Wish I had Learned Sooner About Having a Child With a Drug Problem - by Lori
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, December 27, 2010
Eight Things I Wish I had Learned Sooner About Having a Child With a Drug Problem
This is a condensed version of a post written by Lori, a long-time member of PSST. To read her original post click on "8 Things I Wish I Knew"
One thing I have learnt is that we cannot do this alone. We need outside help to guide us, lead us, and train us on how to deal with given situations that will one day lead our children to a healthy clean life...
The Juvenile Court of Allegheny County is the best-kept secret we have in Western PA. They are a team of trained professionals that are dedicated to treating the youth in our area. They work long hours, are there for our kids day and night, and are very competent in what they do. In addition, they have access to some of the best facilities in the country.
1. Do not try to fight the disease of Addiction alone.
How do we deal with our feelings of being parents of a drug addicted teenager? It isn’t easy. Regardless of where you live, how educated you are, how competent you think you are, how good of a parent you are ---- You are in way over your head!
You cannot do this alone. You cannot do this in isolation. Just as you cannot treat your child for cancer in secret, in isolation, alone….you cannot treat your child for this disease of Addiction in secret, in isolation, alone. Addiction is a disease with no known cure and it can be a fatal.
2. There is effective treatment available and to help the treatment work you have to stop enabling your child.
There are treatments. These treatments may make you feel uncomfortable, even pained at times.
First Step: You need to stop enabling your child’s drug use.
You will need outside guidance to prepare you on how to employ the various techniques that will lead your child back to a healthy and clean life.
3. There is help out there and The Juvenile Court of Allegheny County is the best-kept secret we have in Western PA.
So, where do we go for help? Go to the authorities; the school; the police, Act 53 counselors, the magistrate or whatever avenue you want to take, but get your child into “The System”.
The Juvenile Court System of Allegheny County is the best-kept secret we have in Western Pennsylvania. They are a team of trained professionals that are dedicated to treating the youth in our area. They work long hours, are there for our kids day and night, and are very competent in what they do. In addition, they have knowledge of, and access to, some of the best facilities in the country.
Before I placed by son into “The System”, I did everything I could to avoid placing him into the juvenile court system. That was my major mistake.
Pennsylvania has some of the best recovery programs in the country. However, with many of these programs, you must be court-ordered. Otherwise, the program will not admit your child. I did not understand that at first. It is not easy watching your child proceed through these programs, but you must get your child into a long-term placement facility so that the behavior modification and recovery treatment can begin to work for your child.
4. You must turn your authority over to the experts who are directing your child’s care and recovery.
As a parent, you will need guidance and support to help your child to maximize the benefit of their recovery programs. You will need to work with the experts to direct your child’s care and recovery.
Your child will usually try to convince you that everyone involved in these programs are incompetent and are not helping. They will continue to manipulate you in order to support their addiction. You need to learn to recognize this and how to try something different, something uncomfortable, to help them.
5. Remember, you will always be an important part of your child’s life and a very important part of his treatment. You are on the treatment team now!
Remember you are still their parent and they are still your child.
While working through the recovery process keep the communication lines open, no matter how hateful the conversation may become. You need to be in control of your conversations with your child. If a conversation begins to become unconstructive, you can end it with a calm comment about how much you love them and that you can talk again when they are having a better day. Then walk away and wait for that better day. Have faith that a better day will come. It will. It may take days, weeks, or sometimes months, but a better day will come.
6. You must regain your own life - Detach With Love.
As your child works through their recovery, you need to work on getting back to your own life. Through the years of dealing with your drug-addicted teenager, you have lost yourselves in their drug addiction. This is called codependency. It is important to regain your own life.
Go on vacation with your spouse, a friend, your other children, etc. Do lunch with friends more often. Take a course at college or on the Internet. Volunteer for a committee. Proceed with your life and gain moments of comfort, satisfaction, and peace away from the issues of your troubled teenager. This is called detachment with love.
You don’t forget about your child, but you need to provide your child with a good example of what living a normal life looks like.
7. Hold onto some of the anger because sometimes you will still need it.
One trick that I have in getting control of noise in my mind, setting aside my fears and getting control of my emotions so that I can “think straight” is what I call, Hanging onto the Anger.
I do not mean that we strike out in anger, but use it in a constructive manner in order to provide strength to do what you must do.
Nothing can bring us greater joy than our kids can. There is truly nothing better in life. In fact, I think life would be very shallow without the joy that our children have given us.
However, at the other end of the spectrum, no one can get you angrier than your children can. Your spouse may run close second, but your kids are the winners in the anger category.
The drug addicted behaviors, the extreme defiance, the lies, the stealing and the chaos.
And the moments of extreme anger.
Why - Won’t - He - Stop! Why does he continue to rip us apart? I don’t even recognize him anymore. What is happening to him? What is so very, very wrong here!?
Well, now we now know the answers to all those questions.
Our teenager is not the typical teenager who is just spreading their wings.
Our teenager is not the adventurous teenager who may be taking more risks than you would like him to take.
Our teenager is not going through some “drug experimenting” phase and all will be okay when it is over.
Our teenager is not one of many others that we know who did just that – And they were just fine!!
Our teenager is a Drug Addict.
Our teenager needs help.
Our teenager needs treatment.
Our teenager needs long-term treatment.
You are a critical part to your child’s survival of their Addiction.
So, hang onto that anger and remember it when you need the strength for that little extra push.
8. Come to terms with the loss of your child’s teen years.
There is one last thing that we must come to terms with; the loss of our child’s teen years.
Our times with our teenager has been consumed with their drug addiction. Many of the “typical” teenage experiences that we wanted for them, and for us, will never be.
He will not have any friends from high school that he can keep. We may never have that picture of him with his prom date. We may not have a senior picture to distribute to family or attend a high school graduation. We may not be visiting different college campuses. We probably will not be organizing a graduation party. We may lose his teen years. That will never come back.
But we may still have our child, clean and alive.
The drug recovery process will not bring back our teenager and all the memories we should have had. We need to mourn that, and then let that go.
We need to allow our child to become a functioning adult. We need to allow him to grow-up.
So now, it is your turn.
Get your child into the Juvenile Court System and into a long-term recovery program anyway you can.
Get him arrested if you need to.
Build your own support network, with parents in similar situations.
Work with experts who can give you solid advice; Drug abuse counselors, your child’s probation officer, family therapists, doctors, etc.
Become familiar with Halfway houses and consider the option of your child moving there upon release from the recovery facility to transition their way home.
Come to terms with your feelings and fears so that you can set them aside and make sound decisions that are critical to saving your child’s life.
PSST is here to help you through all of these steps. There is no cost and no obligations. We are not here to judge you, we are here to help you.
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A Sample Home Contract ~ Posted by an Experienced PSST Parent
Posted by:Sally--Thursday, December 23, 2010
He had the opportunity to view it, comment, get angry, and tweak it before coming home. It helped make expectations very clear before he was home again. The rules are very detailed in this contract. Some teens need specifics, while others work better with simple. This teen's parents knew from his behavior that "simple" has too many loop holes for their teen. After reading and tweaking, the teen was not asked to sign it or even agree to it -- it was just the basis for new rules from newly empowered PSST parents. Consequences are not spelled out in the contract, but the fact that every contract violation would have a consequence similar to the violation was told to the teen. The contract is reviewed every few months to adjust the terms as needed. The teen can even request changes, but the parents are the only ones who can change the contract, so they must decide if the teen's changes have merit or not.
The parents report that their teen is now compliant since he is in recovery and respects the rules in the contract, even if he doesn't like it. And isn't this a good thing -- 'you don't have to like it, but as long as you can follow the family rules, you can earn trust back and gain more freedom.' Meanwhile, the parents get what they want -- more clean time and the learning of social normalcy for their son.
SAMPLE CONTRACT
This contract may be modified in writing at any time by agreement of the parents and Probation Officer.
COMMUNITY PROTECTION CONDITIONS:
1. Obey all laws.
2. Do not leave Allegheny County without the permission of the Probation Officer, except in the company of parents or with parents’ permission.
3. Advise the Probation Officer immediately of any change of address, including running away.
4. Do not touch, possess, or employ any firearms, weapons, or other instruments of crime.
5. Adhere to the following curfew: 24 hour home detention until further notice. Travel with parents only.
6. Do not have any contact or socialize with anyone known to use illegal substances or commit crime. (Socialize means going to the house of, talking with, hanging around, visiting, telephoning, or doing letters, email, IM, chat, Facebook, Myspace, or any other face-to-face or electronic contact.) This list includes but is not limited to:
1. Do not enter the borough limits of xxx, PA. Do not enter xxx Park.
2. Do not have any contact with victim, his friends, or his family.
3. Do not travel in or on any vehicle with non-relatives.
4. No sex with others.
ACCOUNTABILITY CONDITIONS:
7. Make contact with the Probation Officer daily including holidays and weekends via telephone. Report to the Probation Officer as directed. Probation Officer may visit at any time.
8. Notify the Probation Officer within forty-eight hours of being questioned or arrested by a law enforcement officer.
9. Do not buy, sell, exchange, support, seek, touch, possess, or consume alcohol, tobacco, drugs, or chemicals. (This also means no alcohol, tobacco, drugs, or chemicals are permitted on or in the body or near the house.)
10. Submit to random alcohol, tobacco, or drug urine, breath, or saliva testing by parents or Probation Officer.
11. Follow the discharge recommendations included in the Conditions of Supervision.
12. Submit to search by Probation Officer or parents if requested.
13. Get a part-time job or develop and submit to parents a business plan for working and earning money.
14. Develop a written post-placement Therapy and Recovery Plan by September 1, 2010. Plan must be approved by Probation Officer and parents.
15. Make sure that a parent approves of all activities and plans, and that parents know location at all times. There should be no unapproved or unaccounted time.
COMPETENCY CONDITIONS:
16. Maintain “C” or higher grades in all high school classes. Do assigned homework and verify by giving daily homework status to parents. Ask for academic help when needed. Maintain 100% attendance with no tardy days/classes and no skipping.
17. Attend at least one church service on a weekly basis at
18. House telephone, cell phone, or other telephones are only to be used for recovery activities and family communication. Do not erase phone numbers or texts from phone memory. Do not accept restricted calls. Leave mobile phones on dining room table at night.
19. Develop a sports and physical activity plan by TBD. Participate in the activities on the plan. Amend activity plan as needed. (Include competition dog training and off-road vehicle riding, if appropriate, in the plan also.)
20. Provide care, feeding, exercise, and training for the dog. Training must be in Obedience, Rescue, Therapy Dog, or Schutzhund. Earn and maintain a novice owner/dog training certification by 8/31/2011.
21. Repair and continue learning about small engine vehicles.
22. Keep track of and attend all doctor appointments. Take care of all health needs.
23. Help with weekly house chores and home repair projects.
24. Keep personal property clean and in room. Do own laundry weekly.
25. Prepare the family dinner meal once per week in coordination with parents.
26. Do not have more than $10 cash at any time. Any cash or checks received are to be transferred to parents. Develop and balance a personal budget. There should be no unaccounted monies.
27. Study for and obtain a PA Driver’s Learner’s Permit by 12/31/2010. Practice driving with a parent or relative only.
28. Plan and attend a vacation with Dad. Parents must approve the plan and estimated budget.
A Look at A Home Contract
Posted by:Sally--Monday, December 20, 2010
Our son, Cisco successfully completed the program at Liberty Station. We attended the exit ceremony and were given a chance along with all others in attendance to tell Cisco our hopes and fears that we have for him. Many of his fellow Liberty Station-ites had a lot of wisdom for him. His P.O. pointedly explained that Cisco needs to acquire a bit of humility. My main focus was on how very proud I am of him. It is not easy to live away from home since January 19th and to do the program. I am very proud. And Rocco, who is his father, told him that he would always be there for him; not to enable him but to help him achieve his dreams. I was touched with the sincerity and kindness that Rocco had. It shows that our family is healing a little bit more each and every day. Cisco has a job and is waiting for the results of his GED. If he passes the GED he will sign up for college at CCAC and if he does not he will sign up for a GED tutoring course. He is continuing his recovery program through Gateway Squirrel Hill. I am starting to feel somewhat comfortable having him back home. This is his fourth day home and we have only had minor breaks of the home contract. He is pushing some of the limits and I am being prompted by his P.O. to push back and keep control. Here is the contract which Cathy from Wesley-Spectrum helped us with. It is rather comrehensive and we decided we wil review it each week to see if we need to make changes to it.
The Morkus Family - Home Contract - July 19, 2010
House Rules:
1. Do not use drugs or drink alcohol.
2. No smoking inside of house. Use ashtray for all butts and ashes when smoking on porch.
(Empty ashtray each evening and wrap butts in plastic bag and throw in outside garbage.)
3. Ninety meetings in ninety days.
4. Accept random drug tests.
5. Respect parents & property. Don’t raise your voice/we won’t raise ours. If you disagree with something calmly talk with us about it. If you break something replace or repair it.
6. No pre-marital sex allowed in our home. Keep your hands (and body) to yourself.
7. Phone use to be decided. Tell us who and why you are calling.
8. Thirty-Two hours/week of work/schooling. Must be done during mom’s work hours.
9. Attend IOP at Gateway.
10. All doors are locked at 11:30 p.m. and may not be opened until 5:30 a.m.
11. All money earned or received as gifts must be accounted for on a daily basis.
12. Out of respect for your parent’s wishes, you may not get a tattoo or any more body piercings while living at home.
13. No friends allowed inside or outside of our house without a parent being at home.
14. Approved friends are allowed over only after parental permission.
(At this time Cisco has two approved friends –
15. You must accept ‘No’ when that is our answer.
16. Parents must approve all outside activities.
17. T.V. use will be supervised.
18. Internet will be turned off at 11:30 p.m.
It may be difficult for you to follow some of these rules. You had a hard time with the contract when you returned from Ridgeview. Regardless, there is always hope. Your attitude may have improved since then and you appear to be more mature.
(This contract will be reviewed and may be revised as needed on a weekly basis.)
Dad and I want you home, clean and sober. Love, Mom and Dad
Click to go to Rules of the Road for a look at another Probation Contract. Also, Caron Foundation has an interesting home contract for use upon discharge from inpatient drug rehab.
Is the purpose of the role play just to have a smoother visit?
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, December 19, 2010
It's a great Question that came up at our Mt Lebanon Meeting on 12-18-10. The answer is an unequivocal "No." Sometimes that happens and sometimes the interaction isn't smooth at all especially because the teenager hates it that the parents are using new skills. So what is the purpose of using our parent skills on our teenagers?
The purpose to is realign the relationship. (1) To bring the balance of power back to where parents are in charge. And (2) to improve the quality of the relationship between the parent and the teenager. It's as if the message that parents send when they use the PSST skills are, "...there are limits to what you can do," and "I love you, and sometimes I like you." The first goal is enhanced by using words and phrases such as "nevertheless," "regardless." and "I'm NOT comfortable with that."
The second goal is enhanced by all the "agreeing" that we make it our business to do. We want to send the message that our teens are certainly right about 90 percent of what they are saying and doing. Then, we can grapple with the other ten percent.
For a moment let's consider that by not arguing with teenagers we don't wear ourselves out and in that sense the visit is smoother. Or after teenagers learn that we are going to remain resolute in our boundaries they might back off and that might produce a smoother interaction. On the other hand, sometimes using these skills sets off fireworks. Consider this role-play:
Mom: Honey, you are so right!
Teen: About what? You mean you will ask for the Court ordered Christmas home pass?
Mom: Honey, what I mean is this. If we had a Court order you could come home for Christmas. A Court order goes a long way in this business, I'm learning that.
Teen: And?
Mom: Well, this is going to make you mad I'm afraid, but I'm NOT comfortable asking your PO for a Court ordered Christmas Visit.
Teen: What!? You don't want me home do you?
Mom: Nope, not yet.
Teen: You bi%@*. You want me to stay in this hell hole that YOU put me in, while you're out having a nice Christmas.
Mom: Yes, I want you to be here where you are safe. [Moving in closer but lowing voice.]
Teen: Oh don't give me that s*&t. I have done really well here, and you know the staff spit on that one girl- what kind of place is this? You put me here. You don't even know what this place is like, do you MOM? You don't know a thing about this place. The things I could tell you about this place! It would keep you up at night if only knew what goes on in here...
Mom: Yes, I think it's bad here.
Teen: Bad? You have no idea. Did you ever have to stay in a place like this? Huh? Did you? No you didn't.
Mom: No. I don't really know what goes on in here.
Teen: So how can you say you're not comfortable getting me out of here for just ONE DAY?
Mom: I am more comfortable having you where you cannot do drugs, stay out all night, or go out with older men who give you drugs.
Teen: You don't have a clue. I'm not going to do any of THAT on Christmas Day now am I?
Mom: Honey, I'm glad to hear you say you're not planning on any of that this year.
Teen: What do you mean this year?
Mom: Well, last year at Christmas we didn't even know where you were!
Teen: That's not going to happen again I told you that!
Mom: I believe you.
Teen: Good. So help me get out of here MOM!
Mom: I'm not comfortable helping you get out of here until you've earned the home pass privilege.
Teen: Why?
Mom: You know if we talk about this for hours, it won't matter. I can't convince you that you should spend Christmas in here.
Teen: You're right! You can't.
Mom: So, I'm not going to try.
Teen: [Fuming] Well, you just want me out of the way, don't you? Admit it! It's just "easier" for you that way.
Mom: Well, yes, it is easier for me to enjoy Christmas knowing that you are safe here. It is much easier than sitting worried that the phone is going to ring and someone on the other end is going to tell me that you are arrested, hurt, or dead. That's going to be much easier for me.
Teen: So, this is all about what is best for you, isn't it. [almost snarling]
Mom: Yes, a big part of this is all about me. I want you safe this Christmas. I don't want to worry about you getting high, running off with that older man, stealing money from me and from our relatives, and hurting yourself in any of the ways that you have done in the past.
Teen: That's all behind me Mom. If you would just trust me, just this once, just trust me I swear to God I'm telling the truth! I'll be good now because now I see where all that stuff can get me. You don't think I ever want to be put in a place like this again do you?
Mom: Yes, and I believe you. Although I really have no crystal ball do I?
Teen: That's not fair, [starts crying] I just wanted to be home for Christmas!!!!
Mom: No it's not fair. Not at all. Very unfair.
Teen: [Keeps Crying.]
Teen: [ Sobbing but looking up at Mom at the same time]
Mom: Nevertheless, you'll be here for Christmas this year.
Teen: I hate you! Don't even come to visit me for Christmas. I don't want to see you anymore. I hate you!
Mom: You break my heart baby! [sincerely said]
Teen: Oh sure. I don't think you feel bad at all. If you did, you would get me out of here for just ONE DAY!
Mom: It's been a bad day for me all around, loosing YOUR good opinion of me. I've lost that before too you know.
Teen: What the hell are you talking about?
Mom: Well it used to bother me a lot when you called me a bi*@#. It still hurts. But not like it used to hurt.
[Pause]
Mom: I guess I'm not really OK with you hating me so bad, but I'm working on it.
Teen: What do you mean by that? That is an ignorant thing to say!
Mom: Well, it used to bother me soooooo much if you were mad at me. Then, I would make decisions that maybe weren't good ones, just so that you wouldn't be mad at me. But I've changed. I have a job to do as your mother. Sometimes when I do my job you're going to be mad at me. I've accepted that.
Teen: Bi$%. Just don't visit me. You got that?
Mom: Yes, I got that.
Teen: Just think about me rotting away while you have your little Christmas, OK? Just picture me stuck in here with all these felons, rapists, and murderers. OK?
Mom: OK.
Teen: And don't expect a da$$ Christmas Present you bi$#!
Mom: Knowing you're safe is all I really wanted anyway.
Teen: I hate you. Please leave now.
Mom: OK, [getting up] I think maybe we covered everything. Thanks for trying to understand [gives girl a hug, which girl fights off.] Love you. [Mom walks away.]
Teen: [Wants to yell obscenities at Mom but mom is walking aways and is in ear-shot of staff who girl does not want to overhear their problems, so she fumes quietly.]
OK, not a happy ending. Not yet. But in this role-play Mom is powerful. This isn't about the PO. Mom takes all the blame. With blame comes power. You don't get the power without taking the blame. Mom does a Harry Truman and the buck stops here.
Note that Mom may or may not have been able to get the court order for the Christmas Visit; however, that is not relevant. Mom does not wish to enable her daughter anymore. She refuses to seek the order, preferring that her daughter stays where she is safe and that she "earn" her home passes the regular way. This Mom knows that being in the institution instead of at home is really part and parcel to the treatment that her daughter is receiving. It is safety, treatment, and consequence, three overlapping areas.
Will the girl make good on her threat not to have mom visit? Perhaps. Even so, mother can opt to visit or not to visit but her point is well-made. She will not be manipulated into making bad decisions because her daughter is angry and making threats. Period. This mother has made a statement that goes to the core of the daughter having too much power. This is not about having a smooth visit. This is about realigning the power in the relationship.
The reaction of the teen could possibly produce one more thing. If she flips out over this, then Mom has provided "grist" for the "treatment mill." This daughter is blaming Mom and trying to manipulate Mom. This is important information for staff to have. This tells everyone that this young lady has a long way to go towards taking responsibility. No matter how excellent she may be doing inside the inpatient treatment program, her interaction with her mother provides useful information on where she really stands.
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