Mock Car Crash Day at Brashear High School 5-19-10 Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, May 20, 2010

Two teens from Liberty Station joined a 24 year-old to warn Brashear High Students not to drink and drive. There were eight of us; Cathy Culbert from Wesley-spectrum Family Therapy and myself along with six young men in recovery. Three who had backgrounds that included a DUI, were scheduled to speak. Three were there to listen and to support the speakers.

When we arrived, the Firemen, paramedics, and police were busy using power equipment to cut up a car. Four volunteer high school students were inside the car and dressed up for the prom. They had liberal amounts of makeup to make it appear that they were seriously injured. It was like walking onto the set of movie. All the equipment was powered by a loud generator that never stopped.

Right in the midst of this chaos our three speakers and one of our other teens spontaneously formed a circle. Grasping each others hands and with heads bowed, they asked their Higher Power for strength and courage in delivering their message. Just watching our brave young men I started to feel emotional about all this. No one had even started talking yet. I also knew that one of the speakers had lost his girlfriend in a DUI.

He told a harrowing story of how he looked out the car window after the crash to see her body lying on the ground in front of the car. It was a powerful message to the audience and a truly inspirational experience to see the his courage and determination. He made no excuses for what he had done and he told the kids listening that he can never make amends for the harm he has done- and the only way he can even try to is by speaking to groups of teenagers.

Our other younger speakers were also inspirational and they too did not make excuses for what they have done or whom they have injured. One of the phrases, straight from 12-step, that kept coming up: "the wreckage of my past."

It's so easy to feel pessimistic when you have a teenager with a drug problem; however, on May 19th, our young men were so inspirational, both the speakers and the support guys, that you really can't walk away without believing in miracles.

Click "Read More" to see videos of the prom-related simulated Car Crash. They lift the top of the car off so that they can access the people inside.

Special thanks to School-based Probation Officer Christine Lisko who invited our young men as speakers; thanks to Brashear High School for having us and for arranging this powerful demonstration. Also, thanks to Cathy Culbert from Wesley Spectrum Family Services and Gateway Liberty Station Halfway House whose work with our young men is invaluable. Finally, big thanks to the brave young speakers who are just trying to save a few lives.

Note: picture on right used with the permission of the two volunteers.

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"Who Moved the Cheese?" or How Parent's Power Surge Perplexes Teen Posted by:Sally--Thursday, May 20, 2010

This is an email that I received from Lloyd, who is Cisco's P.O. Lloyd and I have had several conversations over the last year about the manipulitive ways that Cisco tries to gain control. Rocco and I have made changes in our way of parenting. There has been a power shift and Cisco is left wondering "Who Moved the Cheese?" I have found a lot of insite in this email and thought it may be helpful for other parents.

Cisco admitted that some of the things he says to you he says not because he means it but because he wants to hurt you. You suspected as much. He perceives that some of the things you say are intended to hurt him. Actually, I think he kind of thinks that- but he also kinda knows that’s not true. What hurts Cisco is not the content of what you say- it’s the fact that you dared to say it to him. What hurts Cisco is really the feeling that he has lost power over you. That’s a really positive thing. He feels the shift of power and he strikes out to hurt you because feeling a power-shift is not pleasant.

Like my long-time (25-year vet) said at my Family Meeting last night, “When we see parents change, it often follows that teenagers change.") I think you and Rocco are driving the change process with Cisco. I mean, don’t get me wrong- Gateway YES is driving the change process in the short-term and they do a great job, even Cisco said they cover so much more than his last inpatient did) and Cisco himself is driving the change process in the short-term; however, you and Rocco are driving the change process in the longer-term.

What I mean by that is that any teenager will change enough “to get by” and Cisco because he is who he is, can do that extremely well- but he is “rattled” I guess is a good word, by the changes that he sees both of you going through. He is starting to believe that your changes are not short-term.

He is now faced with a similar dilemma that one of my other teen's was faced with. He will never be able to return to his chosen lifestyle and live at home and continue to “rule-the-roost.” Those days are over. Rocco and Sally have changed too much now. Now, he has to look at long-term changes or else he needs to plan to strike out entirely on his own. How is going to do that? Selling drugs for money? He’ll run the risk of going to jail- not a prospect that appeals to Cisco but he is smart enough to know that can really happen- no no no he has had enough of out-of-home placements and he does not want to start learning about real JAIL. Working at Burger-king? Not at all how Cisco sees himself and, once again, he knows that burger-king would not provide the lifestyle he has become accustomed to.

So you and Rocco have got him by the you-know-whats! He doesn’t like that. No one does like forced-change. And yet, part of him not only likes it (it feels safe for a kid when adults take charge- it really does- he knows that you are going to do what you can to see that he doesn’t hurt himself) but part of him is so very impressed with the change that you have made that he has gained a whole new respect for you. It’s part of the reason he has been striking out at you, Sally. He is testing you- to see if you really are that stronger person or if he can still break you down with hurtful things or with guilt. He needs to test for himself to see if you really are tougher, smarter, and more ready to take bold action on his behalf.

It’s ironic, that by seeing him go through the “testing” that he helped to convince you that you were doing the right thing by insisting that he go to Liberty Station when he finished this last inpatient. You passed the test. Rocco,he doesn’t test much. It’s because he always saw Rocco as a tough guy.

However, he was and still is closer to mom. But he didn’t see mom as a tough parent. He saw you as a loving, concerned, and basically a good mother- but he only lately has been seeing you as a “tougher” person. He actually respects and admires you for the changes you are making, in fact, what came out yesterday in our interview, is that he is so impressed with you, but you see, for him it’s a rather inconvenient thing, because he still planned on “ruling-the-roost.” Probably, without realizing it, he planned on “ruling-the-roost” till he was 25- living at home, doing drugs, working part-time, taking a few classes, spending his limited income on shoes, drugs and girls. No real rent, cable, internet, or phone bill to worry about- plenty of time for that later if and when he decided to finish “growing up.” Meanwhile he planned on having you both back off because he is (will be by then) 18 years old.


Now all of his plans must change. Why? Because his parents have “cut him off at the pass.” He can’t see that plan working anymore. You guys just won’t put up with it. So, now, he is looking at change in the longer-term. It isn’t enough for him to just skim by, he needs to pull out a change to match the change that you have made or, geeeez louize, he needs to start out on his own. That latter prospect is too scary for him.


Why is he so impressed that you have really changed? Lots of reasons and lots of little things that you do differently, but one huge glaring reason is that you did not rescue him from Liberty Station. He is still reeling from that although he wouldn’t want you to know it. He is stunned by your strength especially because he knows you better than anyone except Rocco and your other son, and maybe, in some ways he knows you even better than they do. Still, he does not want to believe that you have grown so much stronger. It perplexes and continually surprises him. Once again, it’s why he needs to test you – to assure himself that you aren’t just faking.


Now all we need in this recipe is a little bit of luck. You and I talked about luck the other day and while we hate to realize it- sometimes we can do everything right and the finished product isn’t what the recipe called for. Still, we have excellent chances. The perfect luck right now would be for Cisco to catch the 12-step bug. For him to set down some roots in 12-step that last and for him to feel really good about the new Cisco, who not only wants to stay clean but really knows how to do it. He has never really learned how to do it even though he learned many things.

Liberty Station is the very best chance for him to catch that bug. And it’s a perfect way for him to win the challenge with his mother that now or soon, if we are lucky, will exist. What challenge is that? Why it's who can make the bigger change in their life. He sees how both of you have changed. Now he has a chance to sort of out-shine you both. All it would take is for him to be serious about his 12-step program: to become a leader in 12-step, the way his parents have become a leader in PSST.


You’ll know it when it happens. Not at first probably, but the longer he is exposed to what’s going on down there at Liberty Station, the more likely this will happen. In the meantime- he will still test Sally. He still has to do that. He can’t believe the changes, and so when he tries his old manipulative stuff on you, and it doesn’t work, he feels angry, then he accepts, then he admires.


Change is perhaps the hardest thing we do as humans. I can’t predict when or how and I don’t think anybody can. But I believe strongly that you have given him the best chance to change. Now the rest is up to him. And I believe that Cisco will change as a result of all this- either now at Liberty Station, or later when things get really tuff for him out-there.

He has the tools- the seeds have been planted, now we need to have a faith that things are working out the way they are supposed to work out, even though it may or may not work in the time frame that we prefer. After all , it’s a miracle that we are looking for here, and miracles happen all right, but not always when we want them to happen.


Still, I am optimistic and I am so proud of both of you. I guess it’sanother way to look at the “doubt-prayer” that Rocco posted. Doubts cover not only “if” but “when.” Once again, it’s ironic, but as Cisco senses that you are prepared to patiently wait for the change, and that you aren’t going to return to enabling him while you are waiting, that tends to speed up his time-table for change. When he senses that you just have to have him make all these changes, and make them now, then he senses the power-shift coming back to him and that feeling of a power-shift is toxic to an addict.


What am I talking about? Translated: He can come home in three months- but that’s really up to him and we’ll see how that goes. It’s not OUR need (or your need) that he be home in three although we would like that. WE are perfectly OK with him being there longer if it’s recommended and if he needs it. He will be looking for reassurances that you will fight to get him out in three. That may be his first move. It may go like this:


Cisco: Ok mom, you know I came here and I’ve done my best. I didn’t want to come, but I came. Now I need to know that you’ll be there for me when I need you.

Mom: I’m here for you Cisco.

Cisco: I know but I mean I need to know that you’ll fight for me – you know- if I try my best – and they try to screw me over- I need to know that you’ll fight for me.

Mom: You really need to be able to count on me- to depend on me.

Cisco: Yeah, you know after three months I’ll be away from home home and in a Gateway Program six full months! Then add those three months from Ridgeview and all that probation time and enough is enough- I learned my lesson. You see that I’ve changed don’t you?

Mom: You need to know that even if “they” don’t recommend you to come home in three- that if I think you’re ready- I’ll fight to get you home.

Cisco: Yeah- exactly!

Mom: Ok. No problem. I’ll fight for you Cisco. I love you- you know you can count on me.

Cisco: Yeah, I thought so.

Mom: One thing though.

Cisco: What?

Mom: I’m going to look hard at the clinical recommendation that Liberty Station makes. They are professionals here and I want their opinion.

Cisco: Oh you don’t know! – I hear these people just want to keep their beds full- so they look for reasons to keep you here.

Mom: Nevertheless – I will value their opinion.

Cisco: So if they screw me over- you won’t fight for me- you’ll just let Lloyd and Liberty Station call the shots?

Mom: Oh I’ll fight for you Cisco- I fought to see that you even got to come here- you realize that don’t you?

Cisco: Yeah.

Mom: And I’ll fight to see that you stay here as long as necessary to fight this damn disease that’s trying to kill you. You just don’t always like it when I fight for you.

Cisco: Oh shit! This is not what I need to hear- you’re just upsetting me now. That’s what you like to do – don’t you, just upset the crap out me and take my really really positive attitude and just crush it- that’s why I hate you so much- cause you just get your kicks by kicking me- and I was being honest with you – like I’m supposed to be- I did everything right- and now you just come down here to piss me off.

Mom: Yes, sometimes when I fight for you, Cisco, it really does piss you off. [notice the ‘agreeing’ statement here feel the power that shifts when Sally does not try to convince him that what he just said is not true- first of all- he knows its not true- don’t waste your time trying to convince him- it’s a trap, a game and it’s designed to shift power back to him. ["Poor baby, does he really thing I’m out to ruin his day- oh what an evil mother I must be!." You’re too smart for that now- it still hurts you when he says these things, but those tactics are easily seen for their manipulative nature. So we stick to our guns and do what he hates- agree with part of what he said. The part that’s easiest to agree with is “you don’t always like it when I fight for you- but I’ll fight to see you aren’t killed by this disease- no matter what it takes.”

Cisco: Ok, you know what, if this is the shit I have to listen to- after all the changes I’ve made- then fu*& it- I just won’t try at all- cause you know what – I’m not appreciated, I just quit- you happy now? Is this what you want? [keep in mind all this is because he wanted to get a promise from his mother that he could get out in three and he can’t believe he is not getting that- but that promise would undermine the clinical teams approach and reassurance of this is not what he needs AT ALL- it could be the kiss of death for him right now – but it’s especially hard because as parents we want him home in three too- maybe even worse than he does. Right now – it doesn’t help if we emphasize that little detail. We don’t lie or hide it- we just don’t emphasize it because if we think he’ll “understand things better” if he knows how much it’s killing us that he is not home, or how much it may be killing us that we can’t be sure that he’ll be home in three months- forget it- that’s not going to help the situation one little iotta).

Mom: This conversation isn’t helping you at all today. [more agreeing]

Cisco: No it’s sure as hell not!

Mom: Ok, I’m sorry but you’re right, let’s talk about this later.

Cisco: No thanks- I’m done with your little pep-talks and thanks to you, I don’t feel like even trying down here- I just don’t give a fu&^ right now if you want me to be honest with you. You don’t want to know the truth mom, you can’t handle the truth. [ a bit of jack Nicholson coming out now- we have to really appreciate one thing here- this kids got STYLE. He, and his addiction because that’s what we are really seeing here- is FORMIDABLE. And just because we can see the manipulative techniques and label them, it doesn’t mean that they don’t still have power to move us, make us cry, or make us disappointed, or make us angry.

Mom: I’ve completely ruined your day. I’m sorry this is so hard for you. Is there anything I can do to help or is it too late for that? {notice that Sally takes responsibility for ruining his day- she doesn’t get all caught up in something like “Oh cisco, you’ve ruined your own day here buddy- not me- you’re so manipulative, can’t you see that?" Trust me- HE WOULD NOT SEE THAT right now. He just wouldn’t. What's really going on is he is saying “Mom, you’ve got way too much power and it makes me sick!” If you responded with the “Oh - I didn’t ruin your day, you did” then that would really be like saying “Oh, Cisco, you’ve still got the power- you’re just not using it right today- I don’t really have any power here!” After all when you do this parenting thing right- it pisses people off because you are really saying “Yes, Cisco, I guess I do have some power and I know you struggle with that. You just don’t hear what you want to hear from me anymore!]

Mom: Sometimes the truth is ugly and I hate it.

Cisco: I know you do- you can’t handle it.

Mom: You are so right Cisco. Right now I hear you loud and clear. If you don’t get the answer you want out of me- the truth is- that you’ll just give up, stop trying to change, that’s an ugly truth that I wish I didn’t have to hear- I had hoped you had moved past that kind of thing.

Cisco: that’s what you heard? [Cisco is not comfortable with that summary but it's a good one.]

Mom: Yes, among other things, but that really jumped out at me. You know that used to be the truth at our house all the time. Anytime you didn’t get the answer from me that you wanted- you just flipped out.

Cisco: That’s not the same now. You don’t listen. I’m done with this sh*& [walks away angry]

Mom: [lets him walk away- but has a chat with staff- informs them that Cisco is upset and that things didn’t go well.}


Sally: Cisco is really upset after our talk.

Staff: What did you say that got him so riled up?

Sally: It’s a long story- but he can’t handle it well when he can’t control me- not like he used to anyway.

Staff: Oh I see do you want to talk about it.


Sally: Probably not right now, but I want to alert you that he is very upset that he can’t control me anymore- I think he’ll handle it well, but I have to make sure that we don’t keep secrets from staff- so I want you to know that he tried a power-play on me. It didn’t work the way he wanted it to- and he’s struggling with that. He’ll be fine in a bit, when he thinks it over – he’ll be fine.

Staff: Thanks so much for letting me know. Lots of parents just walk out after a fight- and we have no clue, except for what the kid says about what happened. So thanks. You know this often happens down here- it’s usually no big deal.

Sally: Thank you. Can you call me later and let me know if he’s ok?

Staff: Sure- write you number down here so I don’t have to look it up – thanks!

Sally: Ok, I’m leaving now.

Staff: It sure sounds like you did the right thing!

Sally: I know I did. I just get tired of always doing that – but it does get easier.

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Be on the look-out for paraphernalia Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, May 19, 2010

You migt think that it's good that your teen is interested in gas masks. What an interesting thing to collect. Maybe he wants to be a First Responder if there is a terrorist attack? On the other hand, maybe he is experimenting with new ways to smoke marijuana.

If you have seen interesting paraphernalia around your house leave a comment so that other parents can be on the look-out. Also, if plastic baggies keep disappearing, that is usually a clue. 


It's surprising how easy it is to make a water bong or a Pepsi bottle safe .  If the same bottle of Pepsi has been in your teenagers room forever you should be suspicious. Also, it is easy to make a aerosol can into a safe so try unscrewing the bottom of the can to see if it holds contraband.  Confiscate suspicious containers and bring them to PSST for evaluation.  We can all learn from what you bring into a meeting and some of our parents have become self-made experts.  





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Thanks PSST - May 15 Meeting Summary Posted by:Rocco--Sunday, May 16, 2010

We had a good turnout for our PSST meeting Saturday at the Outreach Teen & Family Services location in Mt. Lebanon.
In addition to Val and Lloyd we had seven concerned parents.





We covered a variety of topics. Several of us have children that have re-entered inpatient treatment after relapsing. We had a mom who has made great strides in regaining control of her home, her two boys and her sanity. You can read about her transformation on the blog under “Max & Mel's Terrible Adventure Parts 1 & 2” as well as “The Prequel”.

There was a single mom (with a less than supportive ex-husband) working with her son through his recovery program.

We had a mom whose son has been clean and is living at home. Now she is going through the normal apprehension and worries about him going out with his friends.

There was a couple whose son just admitted to being addicted to Oxycodone. He asked for their help and is now in a treatment facility. They wanted to discuss the next steps in his treatment and some issues they have about his returning home.

Lastly “Rocco and Sally” were celebrating (truly) our one-year anniversary with PSST. Our son “Cisco” had just finished his first I.O.P. when he relapsed in January. He is now in a halfway house and is making a positive effort in his recovery. We are once again contemplating his return home (a bit more confident this time). It is hard for us to believe that only one year ago we were at the end of our resources emotionally, physically and financially. We have now regained control of our home and we are a family in recovery thanks to the support, advice and help from all of our friends at PSST.


We did a role play about a son coming home from an inpatient program. He is no longer a minor so we decided to present him with three choices.
One - He could agree to the terms of a Home Contract and live at home again. (see a link to sample Home Contract at the bottom of this post)
Two - He could go to live at a halfway house until we were all comfortable that he could follow our rules at home.
Three - He could get his own place and try to make it on his own.
(Number three is not recommended if you are dealing with a minor)


A couple of points from the role play:

- Discuss the contract firmly but calmly with the child while they are still in placement. Once they are home it will be too late to discuss.

- Make sure that the rules and the consequences are clearly understood.

- Your child will not like this and will probably be angry with you (that is okay). Agree with them that the rules will not be easy to follow.

- Do not drag out the conversation. Too often parents keep repeating and reiterating, hoping that they can convince their child they are right. More than likely this won’t happen. End the conversation and change the subject.

- Once they are home be sure to follow through with consequences if needed. Once you allow them to bend or break the terms of the contract, your power will quickly evaporate.


Finally at the request of a concerned mom we discussed suicide threats and suicide attempts. Both should always be taken very seriously.

The threat of suicide can be frightening enough to cause some parents to “walk on eggshells” and to give their child whatever they want.

PLEASE NOTE: Even if you feel that your child’s suicide threat is nothing more than a manipulative tactic you need to IMMEDIATELY take them to the nearest emergency room for an evaluation.

If they are truly suicidal they will get the help they need. If they were merely using this threat as a manipulative tactic to get their way, the trip to the E.R. will tend to discourage them from using this tactic in the future.

Never ignore or minimize a suicide threat or a suicide attempt.


Our thanks to OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES for the use of their space.

The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday June 5 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg.

C'mon in and join us. There is no cost or commitment.

Our meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life.





With PSST there is still Hope.






Here is a link to a sample contract:

Home Contract from the Caron Foundation

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A First-Time PSST Parent's Perspective Posted by:Sally--Sunday, May 16, 2010

Here is a comment I received shortly after yesterday's PSST meeting. It is from a newcomer and I am printing it with her permission: I truly enjoyed the meeting this morning and got a lot out of it. I'd like to share a quote from a book I'm reading. It's titled Crazy: A Father's Search Through America's Mental Health Madness, and written by Pete Earley. The book is a true story about this man's journey with how our nation's justice system is dealing with mental illness. [The jails and prisons are now our new asylums.] His son was arrested for a crime that was committed during a schizophrenic episode.

Anyway.......

"What you discover is that if you really want to help someone, then you have to be willing to have them hate you. That is a really hard thing for most parents to accept, but if you aren't willing to take that step, then you will never be able to help them."

Thanks for the hug. Every one I receive gives me a bit more strength.

Blessings,
A First-Time PSST Parent

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