Over the years we have collected/shared hard-won information, skills, and techniques a parent needs to help a teenager with a drug problem save his own life. (CLICK ON THE LOGO ABOVE to return to the home-page for this blog.)
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UPCOMING MEETINGS **** PSST meetings will be discontinued for the next several months. Once we have determined a re-start date for the meetings, we will post that information on this website. ****
Check the calendar on the right for the date and location of our next Saturday morning meeting. Meetings are held from 9-11:30am. The first Saturday of the month we meet at the Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg; the second Saturday is at Trinity Lutheran Church in Wexford; and the third Saturday is at Sts Simon and Jude School in Greentree.
We always hope to see new parents in attendance. If you've been thinking about coming to one of our meetings, why not make this the one?
Please click on thumbnail maps below for directions.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Either your teen twists things that his therapist has said, quotes the therapist out of context, or perhaps accurately uses the therapists words to pull the carpet out from under you. It happens. Sometimes you are working hard at changing and trying desperately to be a stronger parent so that you can regain control of your teen (one who may have still been using drugs and/ or alcohol recently) and you feel undermined by the "expert therapist" who is working with your teenager. Here's a step-by-step guide.
1. Have a one-on-one chat with the therapist. It is not sufficient at this point in treatment, and by that I mean any point in treatment where you feel undermined, to just have a family session. There are things going on in your family session where the therapist is busy maintaining a rapport with your teenager (which is of great import) and therefore, may not be able to focus entirely on what you are saying. Therapists naturally look for compromises but what you need at this juncture is for the therapist to hear something like:
Mom: I like the strong relationship you have with Henry, but I have to tell you that I feel undermined.
Therapist: You do? Can you tell me more about that?
Mom: Well, you told Henry that I overreacted to the whole incident yesterday; now that's all I hear from him when I'm trying to confront him, "Even Carol says you overreact Mom! You know what Carol said, I've been working my program longer than you've been working yours! I've started step two and you haven't even started step one in your NARANON program. She said that you need to back off- I need to make mistakes- and you need to work your program and quit trying to work mine. If you would Just Listen To What Carol says Mom" and I want you to know that he yells that last part at me. Therapist: I didn't know he was going on like that.
Mom: Oh yes, and now everything I say, to him, is just an "overreaction" and I find it difficult to continue to supervise him because, lets face it, you have Expert Status with our whole family. What you say to him is a close to what God might say (in his mind) so let me ask you, how do I compete with that?
Therapist: Well, it's time to back off and let's see how he does.
Mom: OK, look. I've had him in three inpatient programs, he used marijuana only two weeks ago after being released ten days from the third place. He is highly manipulative and I'm really not comfortable with the 'let's see how many mistakes he can make.' Frankly, I've been down that road once to often. I want to hold him accountable for the little mistakes, so that hopefully, I don't have to hold him accountable for the bigger ones.
2. Find something that the therapist says that you can believe in and let your teen (and his therapist) know that you have taken the therapist's advice. This is the old throw them all a bone approach. In other words, don't be oppositional and be against everything the therapist says. If there is nothing the therapist says that you can get behind, then maybe you have your teen in the wrong program. If she is telling you to work a 12-step program of recovery on your own, maybe you should consider doing exactly that. If she advises you to do more "self-care" type of things, hey that's always good advise for all of us. Let your teen know that indeed you are making recommended changes. Much of these changes do not undermine your parental authority and some of it strengthens your position as parent.
3. Don't get into a debate over what the therapist said. That is very tempting, especially when you know that your teen is quoting his therapist out of context or in some way misusing what was said. The temptation is to believe that if you can "fix" his thinking on that subject that he will fall into line. The problem here is the same as the problem with all debates with teens. You can't win. Period. Don't even try. And even if you did win the debate this one time, just imagine that you might not win the next one and by then a "precedent" will be set. Rather than debate, just say, something like:
Teen: And my therapist says that you need to back off and work your own program.
Mom: Yes, and she has told other parents that too. Nevertheless, I need to know when, with whom, and where you will be going tomorrow and we need it all written down so that I know your schedule. Do not deviate from your schedule except in a true emergency and if that happens, call me.
Teen: You're treating me like I'm 13! This is exactly what Carol told you not to do!
Mom: Yes, well regardless, I need to know when, with whom, and where you will be going tomorrow.
Teen: Why don't you just listen to Carol for once? [getting louder and sounding angry)
Mom: [leaning in and lowing her voice- talking slow- strong eye contact] You're right. Carol's wonderful and she is a good therapist for you. I'm glad you have her. I'm not doing it Carols' way right now. You can take that up with her tomorrow at Outpatient. Now, I need to know when, with whom, and where you will be going tomorrow and one of us needs to write it down.
If you have had this kind of trouble, please leave a comment. If you are a professional reading this, you may have a different slant and please share that with us as well. Perhaps you have more to say on this subject then you care to write in a "comment." Then, by all means, send your post to sallyservives@gmail.com. or lloyd.woodward@alleghenycourts.us.
Lloyd and Kathie led the meeting. We had 9 conscientious parents – 7 tenacious moms, 1 very determined mom/grandma and 1 concerned dad representing 8 families (Notice that we only had 1 dad – We'll talk more about that later). Each of us had a chance to talk over our own issues and circumstances. We listened, coached and encouraged each other on ways to take back the power in our homes and how to deal with our teens in various stages of their recovery. We talked about our teens that are currently in an inpatient recovery program, how they are doing and where they can go when they complete the program. Some teens in recovery cannot return home directly. The people and places may be too strong of a trigger for them to relapse.
We had a mom’s thoughts on how her teen did on his first home pass from his inpatient program. It is good to have some chores and activities planned out for a home pass. It is best to have a clear understanding with your teen ahead of time as to what your expectations are (if possible put them into writing before they come home).
We had a mom whose son is just out of an inpatient program and was rethinking her decision to let her son "hang-out". Instead of being home at 10:00, as agreed, he phoned her at 10:00 to let her know that the ride he expected did not show up and he would find another way home. She now wants to know where he really was and to make sure that he understands that he needs to be home at the agreed time. He cannot wait until that time to start planning how he will get home.
Our teens don't seem to understand that we as parents are also going through a difficult recovery process with them and we have real “triggers” that set us off.
Not knowing where they are, not being home on time and twisting stories around are just a few of these triggers.
Each time we have one of these episodes our “Trust Factor” drops back to Start All Over Again.
We listened to parents of teens that have relapsed or turned to alcohol and how they handled the situation. A mom of a teen who used alcohol explained how she did not over-react. When her son asked her if she was mad or disappointed with him she surprised him by saying that she was not actually mad or disappointed. Instead she explained to that she would like to see him use the tools he has learned in rehab to move forward in his recovery.
This led to a discussion of using / not using the word “disappointment”. In most cases it is okay to use “disappointment” to express a “What I am feeling” statement to your adolescent as opposed to confronting them with a “Man, did you ever screw up this time” accusation.
As an example let’s say that you left them a note to do the dishes and to take out the trash while you were out. When you return home you find the dirty dishes on the counter and the trash still in the can. Instead of browbeating with “I see you screwed up again!” try “Geeze, I am really disappointed that dishes and the trash are still here.” Assign a feeling to yourself as opposed to a indictment of them. It is really hard for them to give you an argument on how you feel.
And feel free to throw in an “I guess you won’t have time to go to the movies (watch your favorite show, get on the computer, visit your friend) tonight.”
And then for the grand finale try the “Do it now” approach (but only if you have the time to stay focused until they actually do whatever it is you need them to do). Even if your child can give you a good excuse (not likely) for not doing what you asked them to do, reply “I understand, never the less, let’s 'Do It Now'!” If they don’t react immediately repeat “Do It Now!” as many times as needed. For emphasis you can pull the plug on the TV, the DVD player, the computer or take away the phone followed by another “Do It Now!”
“Do It Now!” is one of the best PSST Power Phrases.
One of our moms gave us a new PSST Power Phrase - “We will talk about that later.”
This is a great way to keep a “discussion” with your child on track. If you are talking about their current issue or situation and they bring up a past issue, or otherwise switch the subject, try to remember “We will talk about that later" and continue with the original subject.
We also had a mom who had stood up in court and asked the judge to allow her son to come home. She felt that he had turned a corner in placement and had set some clear goals. The judge agreed to let him to come home on an electronic monitor to reconnect with his family and work toward his goals. Remember to always make sure that the judge or hearing officer clearly understands what you want for your child. They will generally work with you. When your son or daughter gets themselves into a closely supervised situation it can be a great opportunity to exercise the power position by exerting more authority. The more you do this the more routine it becomes for them and for you.
Another mom was concerned about her younger son. She has already experienced her older son’s recovery. While she has no proof that her younger teen is using she has red flags or triggers popping up. He is not doing well in school and doesn’t seem to care about anything but his music and his band. Choosing a career as a rock performer of course brings up visions of inordinate drug use. Whether this vision is real or perceived it is something that can give a parent a few sleepless nights. We talked about how some teens really do get into their music and want to try performing and have a hard time focusing on the “Real World”. What we can do is to remind them that they need to focus at least part time on reality while they are pursuing their dream of becoming a star. And if possible go and watch a few of their performances (wear earplugs if necessary). While you may not enjoy the music you may enjoy the fact that others enjoy your teen’s performance.
Our children will rarely pick the same goals, careers, life’s partner or life’s path that we would choose for them. As long as they are clean and sober and not harming themselves or others try to celebrate their choices with them.
We did not get time to try any role plays but we had a lot of very good discussion and beneficial exchange.
Thanks to Lloyd and Kathie for taking the time to be there. Thanks to everyone for all of the pie, cake, donuts, plums, candy and especially the homemade nut rolls.
A SPECIAL REQUEST: We would like to get a few more good men to attend our PSST Meetings on Saturday morning from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. We do appreciate that you have other commitments on Saturday mornings but if you can make it just to one meeting a month it could make a big difference for you and your troubled teen.
Any and all Dads, Step-Dads, Granddads, Uncles and Big Brothers that are dealing with difficult teens are welcome to join us.
MEN; consider yourself cordially invited to sit in, discuss, contribute, consider some ideas, ask questions, express your point of view and develop some innovative solutions.
Maybe you can even (shudder at the thought) pick up some directions.
C'mon in and join us. There is no cost or commitment. Our meetings are open to anyone who is serious about making a difference in their children’s life.
To all my friends and family, I am asking for your help...... A group of passionate and dedicated people are creating a professional, viral, music video that will be hard-hitting and geared towards keeping our youth off drugs. Kids will see the ultimate consequences of drug abuse Help Teens stay off drugs
Please help our dedicated and passionate group in the fight against drugs. Please re post on your wall. Every donation will help reach pre-teens, teens and families learn about drug abuse!!!!! Addiction affects 1 in 4 people....... Please help save a life.
This is a not-for-profit project of passion for many dedicated people to helping teens with drug addiction and helping them before they use/abuse or become addicted...trying to raise $5,000 to put together a viral music video...hard hitting and geared to keep kids off drugs.... Email Mike Wittlin if you want to help with this very serious cause (mike@mikewittlin.com) donations (no amount is too small) (Checks may be payable to Mike Wittlin and sent to 19176 chapel Creek Drive Boca Raton, FL, 33434) will help and be GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!! Mike Wittlin of Mike Wittlin Productions (Motion Pictures/Television/Broadway is a Lebo Alum and a genius.... A premiere of the video and a VIP party will be held for all those who donate to our much-needed cause. I do not like asking people for money, however, this cause is very near and dear to my heart. If this video helps one teen or one family it will be worth it. Please help save a life......
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, August 21, 2010
We're glad you're out there reading us and if you come to PSST meetings we doubly appreciate your support. But just this once, how about letting us know that you are out there? Use a pen name or just remain anonymous, but answer any or all of these easy questions please. Some readers copy the questions below and paste them into a comment box. Then they just put answers under the questions.
Through to September 15, 2010 we have an anonymous donor who is going to donate one dollar to PSST for every comment that we receive but only on this particular post! This is a great way to support PSST!
How often do you check the blog?
How long have you been following PSST?
What area of the country or the world are you from? What is your favorite thing about the meetings or about the blog?
Can you tell us one thing that you have learned at PSST or from this blog?
Do you have a favorite post?
How did you find the blog?
What would you like to see changed at the meetings or on the blog?
Do you have an adolescent who is troubled or who is using drugs?
Are you a professional in the field of Drug and Alcohol or counseling? If so, can you say what type of work you do?
If you are not from the Pittsburgh metro area would you like to see a PSST in your area?
Other comments?
Remember, you don't have to answer all the questions (but I would like to know what part of the country or world you are from.) Just let us know you're out there. Thanks for your support.
Well, it is the year 2010 and we live in the age of technology, after all. So, we thought nothing of it when we forwarded the home telephone to Ralph's cell phone for our upcoming vacation to Yellowstone National Park and scenic points in the Rocky Mountains. You know, it’s the home of Yogi the Bear, Boo-Boo, Ranger Smith, thousands of picnic baskets ready to be bear snatched, and Old Faithful…….. And of course, we didn't want to miss any calls from our son, Ed who is in placement or from his counselor.
Well Yellowstone and the Rockies didn't disappoint. While we didn't see Yogi, we saw elk, antelope, bison, a black bear, a grizzly bear, bald eagles, osprey, and just a huge variety of other wildlife and natural wonders.
Another natural feature of the area is the hundreds of geysers that populate Yellowstone Park. Some geysers are pools of hot water; some are steaming or boiling kettles of water or mud, while others just blow steam. Like a blow-hard with bad breath, the sulfur in the geysers usually smells like rotten eggs, too. Some of the geysers are famous for shooting water high into the air, or developing spectacular limestone structures at their mouths. One of the geysers is even so predictable that the rangers can tell when it will spew water a hundred feet into the air to within a minute -- named by the first Western explorers to the area as Old Faithful. Now, in 2010, everyone can get great cell phone coverage in at least half of the area where the bison and geysers outnumber the humans visiting them.
In one of our many informative PSST classes, we learned the value of repeating to our teens the rule, Ask Me Again. This is useful and effective when they act like the rat in the maze that is looking to us for the nugget of enabling.
We need to be Old Faithful in sticking to the rules, not enabling, being consistent, letting our "No" stay "No", and staying empowered. Even when we do that, teens will be teens, and they will be Faithful to looking for a way around the rules or wanting us to go back to the old nugget system of enabling.
Well, Ed didn't disappoint either. Alice and our adult daughters, Trixie and Carney, went off down the wooden, boardwalk trail to find yet another steaming, boiling, bubbling, or spewing geyser, while Ralph sat down on a bench conveniently perched in front of a slow bubbling geyser pool that became a perfect meditation pond. Ralph's spiritual batteries had just gotten plugged in, so to speak, when Old Faithful went off. No, not the geyser down the road but the cell phone - with Ed at the other end.
Now Ralph was already in need of a "recharge". His batteries had been flashing "empty" for a few weeks as it stood because Norton (our other son) is making worse decisions about his life, and we're not enabling any behavior from Norton except zero tolerance on violence, disrespect, and drugs. This frustrates both Ralph and Norton because Norton doesn't want to be told what to do, and is out of places to live given his current lifestyle, but we won't let him do drugs, disrespect us, or be violent while living at our house. Norton has decided, despite possible arrest warrants, to solve his personal housing crisis by moving away, thus, making a bad decision worse, and frustrating Ralph.
Oh yes… Ralph answers the ringing cell phone. It’s Ed. Ed doesn't understand that Ralph is either deep into Yogi or Yoga, and is talking on a cell phone that is surrounded by exquisite natural beauty -- a vacation that Ed would have enjoyed, but missed, and forgot that we were partaking without him. They chat about family news, Yellowstone, and things of interest to Ed for several minutes. Then the bomb hits. Maybe Ed finally realizes that he missed whatever this Yellowstone-bear-geyser thing is, or maybe he just senses that Ralph is at a weak point this moment.
Whatever the case, Ed wants to know why we are so concerned about drug and alcohol recovery. And besides, he was never even charged with drug possession. Why, he has done more than enough of this drug and alcohol stuff -- Ed pronounces it like DNA (the irony is there somewhere) -- while he is in placement. And D&A is for those hard core addicts. (It does seem that denying he's an addict has finally gotten Ed nowhere, and he's changed that line.)
Ralph needs to pull himself up from the bottom of the geyser basin. And fast! And, to make things worse, Trixie and Carney have just passed on the boardwalk headed for the car to attack another geyser area and hear Ralph doing the "...Never-The-Less..." shuffle, causing them concern that Ralph is somehow wasting his "recharge" time. Alice soon arrives with help, on her way to the car, but three-way conversations with only two people on-line never seem to work, and it wasn't working in front of a geyser pool either. Ralph does his best. A few poorly worded "Agree-with-some-thing " gets in there. Then, a "Regardless, drug and criminal behaviors aren’t going to work anymore", manages its way to the surface, no doubt with some smelly sulfur.
Finally, recovering a little, a fountain spouts of "Never-The-Less, Ed, you are responsible foryour Recovery plan", which may have been better placed after a Twix candy bar moment, gets Ed to request help (an acknowledgement of who is responsible regardless of who does the work) and then onto another subject. We can head back to the car while signing off with Ed and his counselor. Ralph's batteries will have to recharge in the Snake River on a 12-person raft, trying to comfort Alice who is worried about white water rafting deaths.
Do you get blind-sided by your Old Faithful teenager? Come and practice your parenting skills at a PSST meeting. It may just charge YOUR batteries.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Tuesday, August 17, 2010
If you don't trust where, with whom, doing what, and at what time can you expect your teenager to come home, then don't let him out. Let him know, "I am not comfortable with you going out- stay home."
This is a safety issue first and foremost. Don't get hung up on whether or not it is punishment- it is- but get over it because the main thing is all about safety. Teens with drug issues need structure. If they are just wandering out there, they will get into trouble.
The biggest reason that parents don't ground their teenagers is because they are afraid that the teenager won't stay home and then it will be obvious that the teen is not under parental control. At that point, the teenager is all ready not under parental control and steps need to be taken to place that teenager under supervision.
Be clear. The best thing is often to give it to the teen in writing. For some teens until they see it in writing they think they can still argue about it or they think it's not really happening. They will persistently nag the parent until they get a response that is vague. Something like, "OK OK OK do what you want! I don't care!" To the parent that might mean, "Go ahead and go out and you take the consequences for that!" But to the teenager that means "Go ahead and go out and there are no consequences."
Picture yourself being stopped by a police officer for speeding. You are not sure if you are getting a warning or a ticket. You only know for sure that you got the ticket when you get the ticket handed to you. Just write your teen a ticket or put it on a blackboard where everyone can see it. Be clear. If your teen goes out anyway, then at least you know where you stand! You have an out-of-control teen.
HOW LONG AM I GROUNDED FOR? Until further notice. A minimum of two days. Until I feel like I can trust you. These are all acceptable. If your teen goes out while he is grounded, go get him if you can and bring him back home with you. Stay tuned for more information on out-of-control teenagers in the upcoming post.
HOW CAN I BUILD TRUST WITH YOU IF YOU WON'T LET ME OUT! Great question. Great answer is this: The way you conduct yourself at home will help me to see if you are being responsible. If you are not responsible at home and if you aren't making good decisions at home then there is no reason to think that you would out there. Acting responsible at home means a lot of things [introduce talking points that you have been wanting to get across, e.g., don't be pushy with the grounding thing- accept it- do your chores- don't have a chip on your shoulder- don't be in touch with unapproved peers while you are grounded- don't be sneaky, etc)
There are a lot of more creative ways to disclipline your teenager and don't fall into the trap that "grounding" is your only method. Get ideas from the teenager about effective discipline if you like and sometimes that works; however, if you don't trust that your teen is going where, with whom, and doing what he is supposed to be doing- then don't let him out. It's a safety issue first and foremost. If your teenager is basically trustworthy, but not doing all his chores then find a more creative sanction or just utilize the "do it now" technique. Reserve grounding for safety issues and for situations where you can't come up with anything more creative.
When you are being told that you have to let your teenagers out so that they can make their own mistakes and learn from these mistakes, ask yourself if learning from a drug overdose, from a crippling automobile accident, or from being arrested is OK. If it's not, then let your teenager learn from being grounded instead.
It helps if you take cell phones when your teen is grounded. Take computer privileges. Don't let friends stop over. Give them an essay to write about responsibility. Make it a home-work intensive grounding and sit with them or right along with them and do that home work. If your teen is attending 12-step meetings don't just let him find his own way there. Take him to the meeting. Wait for him or go into the meeting yourself so that you know for sure that he is there. Remember, that you are placing him on grounding because you don't trust that he is going where, with whom, etc. If you don't have the time to do that then maybe going to the meeting is not the most important thing.
Grounding a teenager is usually labor intensive for the parents. It is inconvenient for the parents. It is sometimes as tortuous for the parent as it is for the teenager. Still, the alternative, letting a teen who has a drug problem range free in the community when you know that he is not going where, with whom, and doing approved activities is a recipe for disaster. That disaster when it comes won't be too convenient either.
We had another encouraging turnout and a good time at Saturday’s PSST meeting at the Trinity Lutheran Church in Wexford. Plus a wonderful selection of sweet, tasty donuts and hot coffee.
Val, Lloyd and Kathie led the meeting. We had 8 parents and a parent's friend representing 6 families. We were happy to have a nice mix of familiar faces as well as some returning parents.
Each of us had an opportunity to talk over our own situation and issues. We discussed using the power words: "I am not comfortable with that" and many had examples of how those words are effective. We talked about a teen who will be home soon from placement and will be asked to follow a contract. We had parents whose teen does not want to return home from vacation to face probation. We touched on ways to extend a teens probation. We had another parent who was excited about her first visit to see her daughter who is in placement. We talked about honesty and trust and about relapsing and how to keep a teen busy and out of trouble while parents are at work. After a break we had two role plays. The first was on honesty and how the real consequence of lying is that the liar is not trusted. The second role play was of a mom driving her son and some friends home and smelling alcohol. The challenge was to let the teen know that the parent was aware that someone in the car smelled of alcohol without accusing the teen.
Years ago, Rocco and I attended an elementary school meeting on self esteem and were told: “Your child has a big advantage in their life because you cared enough to attend this meeting.”
Although your son or daughter may be in a “bad place” right now they have a “big advantage” in their life because you cared enough to attend a PSST meeting.
More than likely your teenager will not grasp the “big advantage” concept. In all probability they will resent that you go to “those meetings where you are misled by that crazy dude.” Or as our kids at Gateway Family Night put it so well "You guys belong to that PSST Cult!"
NEVERTHELESS they are in a better place because you do care enough to try to save ypur child's life.
Remember our two favorite words NEVERTHELESS and REGARDLESS. Try to get BUT totally out of your vocabulary. Or as one of my favorite people loves to always remind me “Everything you say after the word BUT is BS.”
We all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents of out-of-control teenagers. This is a great example of how Trinity Lutheran has been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
We look forward to seeing more concerned parents at the next PSST Meeting ~ Saturday, August 21 ~ at the at the Outreach Teen and Family Services located in Mt. Lebanon at 666 Washington Road (There is free parking in the back lot).
Do you have a friend or family member who has a mental illness?
Do you want to learn about mental illness and ways to help someone you love who has a mental illness?
The NAMI Family-to-Family Education Course may be for you.
It is starting in Washington PA on September 20th. Click "read more" below for more information on this local class.
Taught by a team of trained family members, the course offers information on Bipolar Disorder, Major Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective Disorder, Panic Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Co-occurring Brain Disorder and Addiction. This series of 12 weekly classes is structured to help family members and friends understand and support the ill individual while maintaining their own well-being.
There is no cost to participate in the NAMI Family-to-Family Education Program.
Classes Start: Monday, September 20th, 2010 7:00PM – 9:30PM
at
AMI, Inc. 907 Jefferson Avenue Washington, PA 15301
Please call for more information. Pre-registration is required.
The PSST website somtimes acts as an information clearinghouse and may list on the website various third party services with information concerning, or links to, these third party service providers. However, PSST is not responsible for the content of any link to or from this site. We do not endorse the policies or practices of, or opinions expressed on other websites linked to or from this site; nor do we make any representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or any items or claims contained in such other websites. Any links are provided for you only as a convenience, and the inclusion of any link does not imply endorsement by us of the goods, services, the site, its contents or its sponsoring organization.
Cisco called me at work the other day and wanted the password to get on our home computer. I said "I am not comfortable with that'. He said "Why? I am only going to check my email."
I repeated my sentence only two more times in a low, calm voice and he said "all right" without any resentment. It is very COOL how that works! I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT are powerful words.
This came up at our recent meeting in Wexford. When you agree with your teenager, you have more power if you think in terms of 3 or more quick agreements. For example:
Teen: Mom, you're really crowding me- back off! You're checking my breath, looking in my eyes, calling my friends parents!
Mom: You are so right. I'm all over you like white on rice (or flies on poop seemed to work great in group too :-) [1x]
Teen: Well, stop it! I'm doing good. Why can't you just trust me? You need to start trusting me Mom!
Mom: I struggle. [moving in closer- good eye contact] You've done some good things since you got out of rehab three weeks ago! For the life of me, I Can't Seem To Stop worrying about you. I mean you're right, I'm Not Comfortable with The Trust Thing Yet! [2x]
Teen: Well you better back off, cause when you're like that it makes me want to use!
Mom: You're right. Pressure DOES make people feel like using. I mean you prepare, prepare, and prepare in the rehab, but when you come out and you feel the pressure of real life, you can find that your whole recovery is right on the line. I appreciate you sharing that with me- that even after all that rehab stuff, you are sometimes this close [hand gesture] to picking up. [3x]
Teen: I think it's just going to take a little more time for you to trust me.
Mom: You know, I think so too. Down the road, we can look forward to that. In the meantime what can I do to help you feel not so pressured? [4x- if you hang in there sometimes the third of fourth agreement feels nicer.]
Teen: You just keep asking me the same questions that I've already answered. As though you think I'm lying and each time you ask me- you think I'm going to give you a different answer.
Mom: That sounds annoying. So, I'm way to obvious huh? [5x]
Teen: I guess you could say that.
Mom: OK, so I'll try to not be so obvious. Could you help me on this one??
Teen: How?
Mom: First of all, could you point it out to me when I do it? Just make a sign so I know you feel that you've already answered me.
Teen: Like what?
Mom: Like a traffic stop or a "cut it off" thing with your hand, you know. That will help me be more aware of when I am being repetitious and if I think I haven't covered that before, then I'll just ask you to tell me what I'm telling you, so that I can hear that we've covered that already- OK? That way you can show me that you already heard me so I can move on- OK?
Teen: Sure. [Teen does not sound convinced, but teen sounds curious to see if this would work.]
Mom: And one other thing too. You know how in your contract, it says not hanging with friends that you used to use with? Well, I think John, while he might be doing much better than he used to do- is one of those people that you used to use with and I'm feeling afraid that you are putting him back on your "OK to associate with" list. That would help me too, if you could clean up that part of your contract, can you do that?
Teen: I don't know. He is doing better. He hangs with Suzie and so do I.
Mom: This whole Not Associate with Old Peers things sounds complicated. [6x]
Teen: It is!
Mom: Well, you helped me see something today. [Let's give the teenager the credit for the take-back-control thing we are about to do!]
Teen: What!
Mom: Instead of the barrage of questions that I'm firing at you every day, I need to stop some of that, and just be more clear with you about some things. I am not comfortable with John being on your contact list. I need you to fix that. I'm going to start holding you accountable if you don't fix it. We'll start with the cell phone and go from there, but you are completely right that you don't need this big inquisition all the time. Oh sure, I'm still going to be all over you like a cheap suit when it comes to knowing where, with whom, and what you are doing, but lets deal with this John thing head on. Any questions about that?
[This was done in the form of "we agree that I'm going overboard." We agreed with this position earlier and now we are reiterating it and using it to lead to our firm take-back-control stance.]
Teen: No!!!! It's not fair!
Mom: No, I'm sure it's not looking to fair right now! I'm not trying to be fair honey- you're right about that. [7x]
Teen: Why are you so unfair?
Mom: I'm trying to keep you safe- fair is a luxury I don't have- but then, you know that, don't you?
Teen: I just hope someday someone tells you that you can't hang around your friends and see how you feel!
Mom: I don't know how that feels. [8x]
Teen: You're right! You don't.
Mom: I'm sure it sucks. Anything else right now?
Teen: No! [Slams the magazine down and storms off.]
How do we know the teen heard this Mom? When she slams down the magazine, we know she heard right about John. But we thought if we did all this agreeing, things would go well? Hopefully, it will go well, but do not be mislead by the end of the interview.
In other words, did this go badly because it seemed to end on such a negative note? No. We are more concerned that the Teen follows through on changing that John thing. Also, we want to give our teen the selective power of helping us change our broken record thing. Sometimes we do sound like broken records- that's not helping either- so the Teen and the Parent both get something out of this one, although from the Teen perspective, the parent gets more.
We hope through this method to improve the way we dialogue with our teenager. If we are doing our job, we will still make them angry sometimes; however, the anger and resentment should pass more quickly because of our positive dialogue.
Cartoon taken from here Communication Skills by Rod Windle and Suzanne Warren. There are a lot of good tips here about how to improve your communication skills, especially listening skills.
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