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Teen: Mom, I was thinking that instead of me moving into a 3/4 way house I decided that it would be better for me and for Dad and you if I just came home.
Mom: Really, you've surprised me.
Teen: I know!
Mom: Well let me hear more about that I [Mom is staying cool on the outside but inside the temp gauge is rising fast.]
Teen: I just worry about you and Dad and now that you are both getting older I want to help take care of you. I figured that if I went into a 3/4 way house you'd just worry about me too much, you know wondering what I'm doing and stuff.
Mom: Well, Son, I need to process this but tell me more about how this would work out if you moved home.
[Then after ten minutes of Teen telling how much he wants to be there to support his mother and all the big things he was going to do to help them out, which pretty much boiled down to him driving places for them, almost like he's their new delivery boy and Mom can see that much of this surrounds him getting his license and being able to drive at will.]
Mom: You're right about a lot of stuff Son.
Teen: I am?
Mom: Yes, you are right that I worry about you. You are right that I would prefer if possible to have you move back home. Your father and I miss you. And I'll admit that It would be so nice and it's so sweet of you
really to offer to do all that nasty driving the car around for us...
Teen: [Interrupting] So, I can then?
Mom: Well, as I said I'm just starting to process this, I need some time on this one, don't I?
Teen: Well when!?
Mom: Right, you'd like a time frame on that and that is a pretty big topic that you brought up and you'd like to know when we can deal with it and that's a reasonable question. I think at our next family therapy session we could talk about it, what do you say?
Teen: I think you don't want me at home cause if you did you would have already said I can come home. If you don't want me home just don't come visit me anymore or anything.
Mom: [Mom thinks about it quickly and decides to skip the blackmail part for now but she knows that it's an important item down the road, but on the other hand, it's old hat by now with this teen. Instead she decides to follow Best Conversational Practices and talk about what she needs instead). You're right Son, I'm hesitant, I'm afraid, you see I need my sanity at home. It's very important to me and now that I've gotten a wee bit it back since you've been gone and sue me but I'm reluctant to give it up. I need us to sit down and talk talk talk about this and frankly, Son, I'm concerned that you don't want to talk, you just want to tell us what you decided. And if you don't like the answer that you get you just walk away from the table.
Teen: Forget it. I don't want to move back home now anyway. I was just saying that to see if you wanted me home and I see that you don't.
Mom: Ouch Son, that hurts. Was I that obvious or do you just know me too well?
Teen: I know you pretty well.
Mom: Yes I think you and I know each other better than anyone else knows us. [Mom takes the most contentious part of the conversation and "joins" with her Son. They are both members of the elite club called "We know each other better than anyone else." You have to feel special to be in this club!]
Teen: That's why i'm not surprised.
Mom: Right, you knew that I would insist that we talk about this in family counseling right?
Teen: Yup.
Mom: Well you do indeed know me well. Can i ask you a question Son? (assuming he hasn't stormed out by now) What did your sponsor say when you talked about moving back home?
Teen: I didn't talk to him about it.
Mom: Oh, well I know he's hard to reach sometimes, what did your "we" of the program say when you shared about it in a meeting that you wanted to come home?
Teen: I didn't share that cause I knew you didn't want me and it wouldn't happen.
Mom: So, you were just testing me?
Teen: I guess so.
Mom: Hm, I'm sorry I feel like I failed the test, did I?
Teen: Sort of yeah.
Mom: So to pass the test I just had to say 'Yeah we want you home tomorrow lets' pack your bags tonight?'
Teen: Would have been nice!
Mom: I bet that would have sounded good, huh?
Teen: Yep, but I'll never hear that will I?
Mom: Maybe not like that fast no I don't think so, but tell me what your therapist said when you talked to her about this huge change of plans.
Teen: I talked to you first about it.
Mom: Oh ok. [pause, now Mom is considering pointing out how manipulative his whole approach has been, to try to catch her off guard and pressure her for an answer before he even ran it past anyone else and she almost starts in with something like "you need to talk to your probation officer, your therapist, your sponsor, and your higher power before you pressure me with this stuff" but she decides that just for today, she'll try to catch more bears with honey.]
You know what?
Teen: What?
Mom: I think it's sweet that you talked to me first. I feel kinda special. I'm sorry I failed your test honey. I'ts complicated. [These are concessions that cost Mom nothing to make. Is Mom lying? Let's hope not. For one thing, Mom is special so there is nothing wrong with feeling that way. Mom did fail his test although of course she would and by pointing this out, she helps her teen realize that he was playing some sort of game by testing her. And life is complicated. It's not so much whether these relationship building concessions are lies, rather it is about whether Mom can challenge herself to look for positives in places where she isn't used to finding them.]
Note: (It's complicated is one of the favorite phrases of young people, you see it all over face book all the time especially when describing relationships and it's one of the things that teenagers get: life is complicated. In fact, when parents suggest that things aren't really all that complicated, then teens get offended, what? of course my life is complicated- so it sort of becomes a power phrase for parents to embrace, not as a door closer but as a careful way to open certain doors.)
Teen: I know. But you talked to me about it with me anyway.
Mom: You know I have kind of a goofy dream. Do you remember the dream speech that Martin Luther king gave?
Teen: Yeah, [smiles] we had to learn it in school but I only remember the first part.
Mom: Yeah I can't' remember that whole thing either but can I share mine with you?
Teen: I guess.
Mom: Well I have a dream that you do come home but that's its way different than it was before. For one thing you do try to help take care of your father and I. You seemed to want to follow the rules. You
seem to be concerned that I might worry and you try to help ease my anxiety by checking in with me all the time. And you don't mind giving urine samples when I want to screen you and I guess one of the biggest things that I dream of is that when you ask us for something and we so 'no I don't think so', that you are very adult in the way that you accept no. You don't manipulate or push us or anything.
Teen: Ok, can I go now this is boring?
Mom: Sure honey, I just thought I'd share my dream with you. Thanks for listening even though it WAS boring (laughing). Sorry about that test thing [smiles].
Teen: You didn't really fail. Not really- maybe you surprised me a little too.
Mom: I did?
Teen: Yeah, but lets' not talk about it now, cause this went on too long already and I don't want to make too much work for Lloyd who has to write all this down.
Mom: What a thoughtful young man you are! You're even looking out for Lloyd now! :-)
2 comments:
We've had a lot of good role plays lately, both virtually and live. I especially liked the two that were done at the Saturday meeting (1/5/13). One involved a teen in placement, upset about rules and staff. The role play included some really useful phrases; one I connected with was "Don't try to enlighten them."
Worked like a charm at our visit today with Pierre, as he was complaining about this rule and that. We said, "Wow, it must be really challenging here for you lately. Usually you have no difficulty following the rules-- but, hey, don't beat yourself up over it. We bet you'll figure it out." We would have never, in a million years, said that before the role play. Instead, we would have been tripping over each other trying to "enlighten" the boy. Afterwards, the mood lifted and the visit was actually fun. Thanks, Lloyd!
Brigitte
Lloyd. as a playwright you are the PSST parent's version of Tennesse Williams. I really enjoyed reading this post, especially the twist ending.
Herman has officially "left the building" yesterday. The whole process went quite calmly, thanks to the the tools and support you continue to provide. I should also add that Roger's genius of having a concurrent work/school/savings plan that addressed living in our home or living independently, also played a huge part in this smooth exit (we kicked him out) as well. I plan on writing about it for the blog.
Jessica
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