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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
More and more we are hearing parents ask us this question. My son's therapist says I should give him some space. At PSST you tell us to do he opposite. How do I know whose advice to follow?
Excerpt: "But, I said I've been trying things my way for about 4 years now, and no good has come of it. It is time to take a leap of faith and do things a different way". It was scary for me because I assumed I was giving up all of my control - but in fact I gained more by hovering less." (Max)
I'm not saying that the focus at IOP (Intensive Outpatient) and the focus at PSST isn't a bit different. Of course our approach and their approach is a little different; I think of us as two different circles or two different schools of thought. Still, our circles overlap more than they don't.
At our last meeting a parent asked this question; however, it was at the very end of the meeting and time did not permit a complete response. I then had an email exchange with Max, a PSST mother that helps clear up our stand on the "IOP Give him some space" and the "PSST Hold him accountable" positions.
First, Max's reply to my email expressing concern that perhaps I was a bit pushy when I gave her some ideas on her Son's relapse and hoping I wasn't too assertive when I asked her to do a role-play. We had a large meeting and I just wanted to squeeze a little role-play in so that we could get back to sharing and Max agreed to help me out. I was worried that I bullied her into participating :-(
Max to Lloyd
Lloyd,
Thank you so much for this note, as I am in full-blown WIS syndrome at the moment!
I totally respect and appreciate everything you have to say and opinions offered. I was very down yesterday, but not so much because of you and doing a role-play. Michael has been doing so well for a good stretch, and obviously, it hurts when he falls. My husband, Mel, and I agree that there needs to be a substantial response to the relapse.
We agree with much of what you suggested. However, we will modify a bit as we see fit for Michael and his particular personality and circumstances.
Today he is meeting with his mentor, tonite his NA meeting, and tomorrow his Probation Officer. Car privileges are gone for now, and we are revisiting the contract. He will talk to his therapist when she returns on 11/30. Most important to me, he feels bad and scared and he will have to sit with that for a while.
Just so you know, one of the most valuable things you told me yesterday was probably one of the simplest ideas. One problem I have is when the kid is (obviously to parents) lying. We point out "but it couldn't have been that way; if it had, it would be such and such". Of course the kid gets more defensive and doesn't have the nerve to come clean. I think Mel and I are too stuck on what the actual circumstances were. So when you said "it doesn't much matter if his version is accurate or not - he is clearly hanging out with the wrong kids, so revisit the contract". THAT made huge sense to me,and it is something I have no issue addressing. I have found that I must be 100% confidant in what ever I am going to do or I won't be able to enforce it properly. [ Lying post]
We don't always have to do exactly what is suggested, either. We can tweak things to fit our family, our ability to carry things out, and our kid's personality. Sometimes parents are torn - which way to go, therapist or PO? (good title for a post) - I really feel (at least this is true for me) that a combination of GOOD IDEAS AND INFORMATION works best. Sort of like when you have one spouse who is very black and white, and the other who may be more emotional and wants to talk things out more. The combination is golden.
So, I like PSST because it presents the more black and white, concrete ideas that will help when dealing with the kid's behavior. I use the Gateway therapist to sound off more on the disease, and her opinion of using behaviors and signs to look out for. I then like to make a stew, and have both meat and potatoes to offer. Probably my husband would do ONLY what PSST suggests, but I see no harm in augmenting ideas with more info.
So, you pushy SOB, you haven't frightened me. Your input is always appreciated, and I will be there next meeting! Have a great holiday
Max
Here is Lloyd back to Max:
Max,
Hahaha I enjoyed reading this. Thanks and of course we encourage people to make a stew and yes you and Mel are the Resident Experts on Michael :-)
I am writing a post on "Give Him Some Space" verses "Hold Him Accountable." My theory is that there are two circles or schools of thoughts. They are different; however the circles overlap more often than people realize. For example, the nagging parent needs to give their kid some space. The over-controlling parent needs to give their kid some space. To me that doesn't mean you start letting the kid make life-threatening or recovery-threatening choices; however, both IOP and probation don't think that nagging and trying to control every issue e.g., whether or not he returns his girlfriend's phone messages is worth the effort.
You will remember that at PSST we caution about ways to approach the Oppositional Teenager. We know that the more you nag, lecture, advise, or try to reason with your teenager the more they likely they will be to put up a wall. If we could reason with our kids and if that worked there would probably be no need for PSST because the whole lot of us are pretty reasonable people.
Sometimes the parent who is not giving the kid any space (nag nag nag and lecture) isn't holding the kid accountable at all. On the other hand, sometimes the parent who is enforcing limits with the kid is giving him a lot of emotional space- i.e., no lectures, no nagging, no "reasoning" The parent who is giving the teen that kind of emotional space knows that none of that helps- it just pushes teens away and puts up walls.
Another good example of possible overlap is the GED verses the High School Diploma. Parents love to weigh in on this one and there are strong values at play. Why not give the kid some space? A teenager can be successful either way. A teenager can stay clean either way. Lots of parents will not give their teen any space with this one. But see, the parent who is all fired up on the GED-isn't good enough thing might be the same parent who when it comes to who the kid associates with let's him go with Johnny So and So who is known to drink and do drugs.
"Give him some space, he has to make some mistakes," the GED-isn't good enough parent might say. But their kid is coming out of a rehab! HELLO! Sorry, if IOP says give him some space on that one but I beg to differ. We know too much about the consequences of that bad decision. So, here you have parents not giving space on the GED-isn't good enough thing but giving space on the drug-abusing peer situation. One is life- threatening, one is not.
In summary, while there are differences between the two circles there are big overlaps. Huge ones. Both circles recommend that the parents give a kid some space. It's more a question of give him space about what? These teens have to find themselves as individuals. They can not just be little Mini-Mes of the parents. They actually have to find something to rebel about. It's important that they rebel. Having a tattoo or not might be a good way actually to rebel, all the better that it drives a lot of parents crazy.
Back off I say and give the teen some space. Let him make some bad decisions and learn from those bad decisions. Just don't do it on the life-threatening bad decisions. He'll have plenty of time to make those life-threatening bad decisions once he moves out and is on his own.
Anyway, I liked your email. If it helps my post do you mind if I use your email? I could use your pen name or I could just leave it from an anonymous parent?
Lloyd
Max to Lloyd #2
Lloyd,
Quote away, I say! Or, just plagiarize if you must!
I totally and completely agree with all below. Here is what I have experienced in IOP. When the therapists say "back off and give a kid space", they mean exactly what you do. For example, they just told one of the parents to back off, give her daughter space. You can see by how this parent explains her situation, that she nags incessantly and tries to control [everything]. I have been there and heard how and what and why they are saying 'back off" to her. I'm afraid that she doesn't understand what they mean in full, and she refuses to try, or is so afraid of "giving in." So, she gets angry and feels like a "bad parent" when she is at Gateway.
Perhaps if the counselors said "back off in areas of school and dress, etc, but take control when it comes to dangerous situations" it would be better understood. Or, perhaps they are more liberal in the "let them fall on their face" quote than you are. But I think you overlap as you said more than not. That is why your post will be important.
When parents feel that they can and should control SOMETHING, they feel better. Likewise, when they realize it isn't their place anymore to check five times on the homework, it can be a relief. There are some parents, who refuse to look at their own personalities and behaviors as things that should be tweaked a bit, in order to have better control in their home. I know real change came in our family when I changed some habits that I thought I never could or would change. But, I said "I've been trying things my way for about 4 years now, and no good has come of it. It is time to take a leap of faith and do things a different way". It was scary for me because I assumed I was giving up all of my control - but in fact I gained more by hovering less.
Which brings me to GED vs. diploma. One of the most difficult and painful things that I went through was adjusting my brain to what Michael was really all about academically. Yes, he is adopted. But I thought "by osmosis, he will have the same desire to learn and go to college and read and be like us". I have gone from pushing him in advanced classes (he has a gifted IQ - so what!) to telling him to go get his GED if that's what he wanted. I really mean it too - it is his life, not mine, and if he "makes a mistake" by not graduating, it's his mistake and it will be up to him to do the work needed for a GED or whatever else. One thing is for sure - that is not a life and death risk.
The Great OZ has spoken. Quote away, I say! Or, just plagiarize if you must!
MaxLloyd to Max #2
Thanks Max; I like your analogy of the meat and potatoes. Some people can't stand it when their food touches on the plate. They want to keep everything neat and separate. This is the meat, this is the vegetables and over here we have the main course, yummy meat. Oh look out! The meat and vegetables touched! Oh no!
Well, this parenting thing and getting treatment and advice from different places sometimes gets a bit messy. Sometimes the one touches the other. And also there is more than one way to skin a kid. And teenagers are different too. So, make a stew and if that's working for you, we don't argue with success at PSST. If on the other hand, things aren't working out the way you think they should, we'll help you make a stew that might work a little better.
Lloyd
Note on being in charge at home:
There is one other area of possible difference although I think it's more a difference in emphasis. At PSST we believe that there are some things a parent does to maintain a position of power. These things may or may not have to do with things that lead to drug abuse, but sometimes parents maintain a certain stance just because.
That's not to say that the stance should be crowding the teenager. We don't believe, as is said above in that approach. Hovering, nagging, making every minute a teaching moment, having the last word all the time, that's not what we are talking about. On the other hand, getting up in the morning is a good place for a parent to assert that they indeed are in charge. You can read about our recommended approach here. If your teenager has a drug problem then it's important to make sure that he gets up in the morning. If he doesn't have one or if he is in recovery it is still a good idea.
There are two things at play here: one, whose in charge? And two, if a teenager sleeps in in the morning then he will be up at night. Who supervises at night? If your house is like most people's house the parents sleep at night. Also, a lot of addicts will tell you that the urges to do drugs are stronger at night. There you have it. Still, rather than contradict what we said above it compliments it. If you are clearly in charge, then it's easier to back off and let your teen have some space. If your teen is in charge then it is very difficult to give him some space and instead parents tend to nag, hover, obsess EXACTLY because they are trying to compensate for not being in charge.
Being the one in charge has more to do with boundaries and knowing the areas in which you are NOT COMFORTABLE. It's not about over-controlling the youth.
Some people argue that if the teenager sleeps in and then has to suffer the consequences of bad grades for not showing up in school or not showing up in school on time then that will suffice. Perhaps. But if you have a teenager recovering from drug abuse he might relapse before he gets the bad grades. Perhaps at IOP they advise you to let your teenager sleep in and suffer the consequences for that. That has been known to work with some teenagers. I disagree for our teenagers. For other teens that may not have an abusive relationship with drugs I think that might work; however, I still feel that it makes sense to have a rule that teens get up perhaps with exceptions on the weekend if your teen is doing OK in other areas. Even with that example, we don't recommend nagging them incessantly to get up. Just have a good system and stick to it. Once you have a good system there is much less nagging.
So, there is room for healthy disagreement here. We believe that parents should be in charge. Nature abhors a vacuum so if there isn't an adult in charge then a teenager will be. Still, it should be done with understanding that you can't control everything and that even if you could you wouldn't want to do that. Teens must rebel, they must be able to make some bad decisions and thats how they find out who they really are.
Good questions to ask yourself:
How does your teen rebel? Is there an acceptable outlet for that?
Can you back off when it comes to decisions that are not drug / alcohol related and are mostly about the teenager rather than something that affects the whole family?
Can you let your teen make some decisions, knowing that some of them will look like bad ones?
Do you tend to nag a lot?
Do you have long lectures?
Do you feel that every moment needs to be a teaching moment?
Do you have to prove to your teenager that you are right all the time?
Do you spend time with your teenager where you are not dealing with control issues?
Your teenager should be right sometime. Perhaps you could be wrong. That's OK depending on what the circumstances are. Perhaps your recovering teenager wants a new sponsor. Maybe you liked the old one. Perhaps your teen wants a new girlfriend and you liked the old one. His decision- UNLESS the new sponsor doesn't go to meetings and doesn't work the steps. UNLESS the new girlfriend smokes weed a lot.
Perhaps your teenager wants a tattoo. Maybe you should consider this as an acceptable way to be a rebel. UNLESS, the tattoo is really way to large or UNLESS the tattoo is on the face, the hands, or the neck. UNLESS the tattoo is a marijuana leaf. But to have a rule that there are no tattoos, just says to the teenager that they have to find some other area in which to rebel OR just be defiant and go get that huge marijuana leaf on your chest!
Of course if your teen is allowed to make other bad decisions and fail at those then the tattoo might not be the way that you as a parent allow them some space. Maybe you just can't live with that. That can be OK also. Maybe they have to wait until they are 18 for that tattoo. The bottom line is pick your spots. Pick the areas where you give them space. Pick the areas where you are non-negotiable.
Enforce rules. Everything can't be about warnings. Have consequences that fit the violations. Don't use more power than you need to make your point. "If you have a rule enforce it. If you are unable or are unwilling to enforce a rule- don't have it." (Gregory Bodenhamer, author of BACK IN CONTROL).
Probably now the food on the plate is all mixing in. Ok, make a stew then cause it's all going to the same place anyway!
Related Post: What to Do When Your teenager beats you up with words from his therapist.
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| Click on image to go to Sally's Post |
I started a comment to Sally's beautiful post, This Year at Thanksgiving, I'll Count My Blessings Twice. Well, I couldn't keep my comment short enought to be a comment, so my comment to Sally's post has to be this post...
Thanks so much for sharing this.
When someone says, "You are not alone," I've always thought of that as a rather glib remark. How do they know I'm not alone? Who is with me? Why do I feel so alone then? Of course, the person saying that means well but if I feel alone, then I am indeed alone.
You speak of feeling lonley without Cisco and how sad you feel about his empty room. When you do that I see how you are reaching out to other parents who have teens in placement. You are not alone because you are in touch with and thinking of others that also feel the emptiness of having a teen in placement. They also feel the "empty room."
The way you put it, it is a beautiful thing. Tragic yes. But beautiful also. And I guess at some juncture every parent faces that point where the bird leaves the nest. Tragic? Sure. For one thing it means we are getting on. Getting older.
For another, don't we all miss our little ones? I can be with my adult children and completely enjoy and (I hope) appreciate what unique cool people they have become. But I still miss them as six year-olds? I couldn't make up enough stories to satisfy my six year-olds? Eight? Endless video games and books. Ten was a terrific age. We could talk about things we never talked about before. Twelve was incredible! At 12, I watched my children become adults.
You know what was so terrific then? My kids needed me. They needed me to be with them and love them. Now, sorry, but not so much. Oh sure it's possible that I underestimate how important I still am to them and I hope so, but we all know that it's just not the same.
Alone or not I think it's just fine to miss the days when both of your children went up the hill in the woods looking for that special tree. Someday, Cisco may go up that hill or some hill like that again. He may walk it with his children. You may not be around or you may not be able to get out like that anymore. And of course he will remember the glorious days when he walked it with you and Rocco.
Sad as it is to reflect and miss those days wouldn't it be sadder still if we never had those terrific times? How sad to think that at our age there may be people who remember or miss very little. We are the lucky ones to miss the days of such tender love. We are the lucky ones to miss and remember when things were new and fresh in our little one's minds.
When I saw Cisco Thursday night I told him that I envied him this coming weekend. He of course wanted to know why.
Me: You are going to your first convention at Seven Springs.
Cisco: Sure, but I'll be with Beta House and I'll have a curfew and stuff.
Me: Sure you will, but from now through the rest of your life when you go to any convention you will remember your first convention, when you were back with Beta House. You will remember being young, being excited about the newness of your recovery, being in awe of all the meetings, all the speakers, and in awe of all the dynamic personalities (characters some would say) that you will meet. This is the one that you will measure all future conventions by. This is going to be the convention that you will go to with people that you feel close to. This is the one that will mean so much to you later and you aren't even there yet."
You know, he seemed to get it. But I knew he was too young to really get it. But even if he didn't “get it.” he will get it someday because he will be the one remembering. And that's wonderful that he is making something so significant in his life that he will remember it and miss it.
Even at future conventions he will someday miss the one he is at now. Even if he ends up feeling like it was horrible, which I doubt, he would still someday miss it. You just have to be older like us to appreciate that.
And even though we are older and we feel as though our best memories are behind us, we are if we are lucky making new memories too. Sally, the way you and Rocco reached out to parents at our meeting today is already an awesome memory for me. What a powerful group of people! What an enormous amount of courage, conviction and wisdom at our meeting this morning! So much of that meeting was you and Rocco and what you have done to bring this group of people together.
We are the lucky ones. Even when we ponder the tragically beautiful and miss the early years, we are the lucky ones.
And to think you and Rocco raised that handsome, young, intelligent, and caring human being! He is such the excited healthy 18 year-old and everything in his life is new and fresh. Like when he and his brother went up that hill looking for the perfect tree. You gave him that experience and today he is once again walking up that hill at the Convention and he is looking for something as special as that perfect tree. At least in part it is because you and Rocco taught him the wonderment of the quest. You taught him to look for the perfect tree. And you and Rocco taught him that if he took on the quest with people that he loved, that that alone would insure that what was found would indeed be special.
Of course, you and Rocco also kept him alive and healthy hoping for the miracle. And now I feel like you're so close. But there are other miracles that you didn't hope for that's coming right along with it. Did you ever think that you would be looked up to like you are at PSST? That you would mean so much to other people who look to you both for strength and guidance?
It was so beautiful today when you spoke about Cisco and how you visited him at Beta House and you asked him how he was doing. Instead of the traditional whining you got, "Fine Mom, how are you.?" That made me want to cry because I know how self- centered and narcissistic both adolescence and addiction are.
But there you have it. He is getting better and growing up right before your eyes. And he will leave the nest soon but he will come back and every Holiday from now on out that you have him at home for Christmas, (and maybe his wife and your grand children) you will know more than most how very lucky you have been. And maybe because you don't have him this Christmas it will mean all the more later.
Thanks again for sharing this- it really makes me think. It probably makes a lot of us think.
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There are many reasons why some people start taking drugs. Many of these are social. But with the very first use, chemical changes occur in the brain that may lead to addiction. Drug addiction is a disease. And with every additional use, the user increases his or her chance of becoming addicted.
Leading scientists in substance abuse at the National Institute on Drug Abuse recently published "Drugs and the Brain."
To learn more about how drugs affect your teen please click on the following link:
http://www.abovetheinfluence.com/facts/science-behind-addiction.aspx#
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Choose Kindness, Nonetheless Choose Wisely
While looking for something else I found two short but good articles on kindness.
The first by Dr. Twerski is about when acts of kindness are actually harmful and the need to exercise “tough love”.
The second by Dr. Elisha Goldstein is about not being kind enough to yourself. I have experienced this and have seen it in many of the parents at our meetings.
Despite all of the “would of’s”, “should of’s”, “could of’s” and “what if’s” we beat ourselves up with; "The facts are true, we can’t go back and change those, however, the barrage of judgments and self blame simply serves no beneficial purpose and are just not facts."
Kindness, Reconsidered
By Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski, M.D.
There are certain types of kindness which require very careful analysis. The determination of the effectiveness of these types of kindness should be made by consulting a competent authority rather than by relying on one's own judgment.
There are times when what may seem to be acts of kindness are actually harmful.
A classic example is one which I encounter regularly in my work in treating addiction, when people who try to be "kind" to the addict actually encourage his addiction.
Thus, parents who continue to give their child money, even though he is using drugs, are hardly being kind to him.
The family member who covers the debts of an addictive gambler in order to avoid his going to jail for fraud is not being kind to him.
The person who uses his influence to extricate a friend from a drunk-driving charge is not being kind to him.
In all such instances, one may think he is doing the subject a favor, while by relieving him of the unpleasant consequences of his addictive behavior; he is actually removing the distress which might bring the person to his senses and make him aware of the need for help to overcome his addiction.
In our profession we must often recommend "tough love," which is similar to the love of a mother who has her infant child immunized.
She indeed allows the doctor to hurt the child with an injection, and she knows that the infant will suffer 48 hours of fever and misery, but because of her true love of her child, she allows him to be hurt to protect him from crippling and deadly diseases.
This is a prototype for "tough love." How foolish it would be if a mother wished to "protect" her child from the painful ordeal of immunization, and thereby put him at serious risk of developing untreatable diseases!
Such "kindness" is certainly misguided, and is anything but kindness.
We must be careful that the kindness we do is not of the kind that promotes harm.
Inasmuch as we are invariably emotionally involved with a loved one, we should seek objective counseling, to make sure that we are not blinded by our emotions to the degree that we engage in misguided kindness.
Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski, M.D. is a psychiatrist and ordained rabbi. He is the founder of the Gateway Rehabilitation Center in Pittsburgh, a leading center for addiction treatment. An Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, he is a prolific author, with some 62 books to his credit.
Copyright © 2010 Artscroll Mesorah Publications
Parents: Are Your Regrets Fact or Fiction?
by Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D. Updated: Nov 16th 2010
It could possibly be the most common reaction when parents look back on the lives of their children and think that they could’ve done more, they could’ve done better.
Parents see their child’s challenges in life as their own failings in some way, but don’t seem to understand a very basic understanding that we all do the best we can at the time with what we have.
This isn’t to absolve responsibility but is meant to incline us toward self-forgiveness. The truth is, the thoughts that fly through our minds get confusing and they can become entirely convincing and believable, but it’s important to separate fact from fiction so we can break free from the thoughts that lead to greater stress, anxiety and depression.
Below is a list of facts I’ve heard from parents and the corresponding fiction below:
Fact
“I was depressed when my child was an infant and I wasn’t able to give him the attention he wanted.”
“My teenager is into drugs and alcohol.”
“When my child was young he didn’t do well in school and got into fights.”
Fiction
“I was a horrible mother or father.”
“I am a failure as a parent.”
“I could have done more; I could have given more, what is wrong with me.”
The facts may be true, but that doesn’t mean you could have acted different.
Maybe you were depressed at the time or working to make ends meet.
Maybe, like many of us, you didn’t get the "Ultimate Rule Book for Being a Parent" and so made some mistakes along the way.
Maybe one minor thing that isn’t being taken into consideration is the enormous effects friends have on children’s lives.
The ultimate fact is: you couldn’t have done anything different because you weren’t aware of what you wished was different until after they happened.
It serves no purpose to blame or judge ourselves for a past under the delusion that hindsight could have been applied back then.
However, we can begin a process of healing; forgiving ourselves for any harm we may have caused our children knowing that we likely were suffering at that time as well. We are in need of compassion all around.
The facts are true, we can’t go back and change those, however, the barrage of judgments and self blame simply serves no beneficial purpose and are just not facts.
As always, please share your thoughts, stories and questions below. Your interaction provides a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.
For this article and others by Dr. Goldstein click on the following link:
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=41138&cn=82
Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.
A blog about mindfulness, stress-reduction, psychotherapy and mental health at MentalHelp.net
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“Never underestimate the power that comes with simply having a choice, nor the personal power we feel once we've decided what our choice will be.
Viktor Frankl discovered this truth in Auschwitz. The camp inmates were beaten, starved, deprived of sleep, worked beyond endurance, humiliated, hated, and massacred.
Yet, as Frankl tells us in “Man's Search for Meaning”, not even the desperately cruel conditions of a concentration camp could take away "the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."
His conclusion is that "Fundamentally, any man can...decide what shall become of him -- mentally and spiritually."
There is no greater power than this, and this is the power that choosing kindness gives us.”
Copyright © 2003 by Margot Silk Forrest
"Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."
- Viktor E. Frankl
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Sometimes we get down. Sometimes we feel like the world is going to hell in a hand basket. Sometimes we just wonder where this crazy world is going. Just for today I had the antidote for that pessimistic feeling.
Today I was fortunate enough to hear four of our youth speak to a local alternative education high school about the dangers of drug abuse.
Three young men and one young woman (17 to 24 yrs old) shared their personal stories of pain, progression of their disease, and the recovery from drug addiction that each has achieved. It was such an inspiration; I wish that all our readers could have heard what I heard. And the questions and answers later showed that several of the students were moved and that they appreciated the courage and desire of each of the speakers to reach out with a message of hope.
Miracles happen. They happen all the time. Don't loose hope. As long as there is life there is hope.
Note: four spoke and one who is still in treatment was there for support. Special thanks to Patti L and Jocelyn Z for your support made this all possible. Thanks also to Community School West for inviting us to speak again this year.
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Summary of Nov 13, 2010 Wexford PSST Meeting
We had another very encouraging turn-out at Saturday’s PSST Meeting in Wexford led by our PSST Pros, Val, Lloyd, Rebecca from Allegheny County Juvenile Probation and Kathie T and Jocelyn from Wesley Spectrum.
There were 16 PSST Parents representing 13 families.
We had a nice mix of new and regular PSST parents, as well as a veteran PSST Mom returning to share her story. We know them here as Sally & Rocco, Becky & Tom, Jessica, Emily & Bob, Marcie, Jane, Lois, Daisy, Violet, Ralph, Lindy Lou, Posey, and this week’s returning Alumna PSST Parent Jasmine.
LOOKING FOR A FEW GOOD MEN!
Notice that we had four (4) dads in attendance. The moms usually outnumber the dads by about 3 or 4 to 1 at our PSST meetings. And that is okay. There are a lot of reasons for the Dads not making it in; work, appointments, younger sisters and brothers to care for and, from our very own experience, not wanting to leave our teen and our home unprotected. Hopefully this shortage of men is not a stubborn thing, a pride thing, an “I don’t ask for directions” thing, or a macho thing. If you dads can make it we would really appreciate hearing your opinon and your ideas.
LET'S TALK
Please note: Because of the great turnout this post is a little longer than usual.
Each of us had a chance to share and discuss our own situations and our issues with our children in various stages of recovery.
Becky and Tom’s 16 year old son recently began an inpatient recovery program while awaiting his hearing. He admitted that he understands and accepts that he is there because of his behavior. That is an important first step.
It feels awkward, at first, to have your child away in a recovery program. Never the less you begin to feel better as you understand that they are clean, safe and under the care of professionals. They are also away from the people, places and things that trigger their unhealthy behavior.
This is not a time to feel guilty. This is your quiet time to sort things out and to realize that the juvenile hearing is not your hearing. It is your teen’s hearing. The consequences are not yours they are your teen’s consequences. The unacceptable behavior is not your behavior. It is your teen’s behavior. You need to tackle your own codependent behavior. This is known as “Detaching” with love or as one of our veteran PSST Parents prefers to use the term “Refocus”.
Click on “A Time to Hold On, A Time to Let Go" for more on detaching / refocusing.
"Detaching with Love is a difficult but very necessary step in regaining emotional health. It is a lifelong commitment to one's recovery and is something that needs to be practiced daily. You can still love your child, but you need to recognize when your relationship has become too entangled, co-dependent and unhealthy."
Thanks for being part of PSST Becky and Tom; we hope things continue to go well for you.
PLEASE NOTE: Using the “Hey, they will turn 18 soon, they will be out on the street, then it is all their problem!” Method is NOT Detaching. It is destructive behavior for you and for your teen. At best it is enabling their continued behavior. It is not recommended in any case.
Emily and Bob are friends of Becky and Tom. They came to their first PSST meeting at Becky and Toms urging. Their son, Howard, is 16 and is also scheduled for a hearing in Juvenile Court. They were concerned about their son’s “record” as a result of the hearing and the possibility of his doing up to 90 days in Shuman Juvenile Detention Center. We briefly went over what a juvenile hearing was about and that short of a violent act most juvenile crimes can be expunged from their record.
The Expungement generally depends on
1. Type of Offense.
2. Age, History of Employment, Criminal Activity and any drug-alcohol problems.
3. Adverse consequences that someone might experience if their record was not expunged.
4. Protection of public safety.
Click on Lloyd’s Post “Expungement of Juvenile Court records” for further information on this.
As we discussed it is time to realize that this juvenile hearing is not your hearing. It is your teen’s hearing.
The consequences are your teen’s consequences. Parents invest so much into their teen’s issues, many much more than the teen does.
The key to a juvenile hearing is to get some good advice and counseling ahead of time (PSST is a great place to start). Collect and keep any evidence in a safe place. Write down as much information as you can remember. Decide what you think the best outcome for your teen is. Be prepared to stand up in court and explain it. What you have to say is very important.
Finally allow your teen to have reasonable consequences for their actions. Too many times parents are ready to jump in and save their children from paying their debts legally and financially. This is another enabling behavior.
We appreciate you coming to PSST Emily and Bob. We hope that things will go well for you and that you will continue with PSST.
Another new PSST Mom, Jessica, made it to her first PSST meeting. Her son Herman, 17, has been at an Inpatient Recovery Facility and is scheduled to return home this weekend.
Jessica has been reading the PSST blog and she does not feel entirely comfortable with this. Among other issues Jessica has four other children at home and Herman can be a very disruptive influence on the family.
Unfortunately their family counselor, Betty, is not only comfortable but advocating Herman’s returning home. Jessica feels that counselor Betty verges on undermining her parental authority.
A home contract has been drawn up for Herman. Jessica was hoping to cut off Herman’s cell phone and his contact with his drug using “friends”. Counselor Betty feels that the cell phone is okay as well as the friends (as long as “they are not using as much as Herman did). Like everything else not all family counselors are a good fit for your family.
Click on “What to do when your teen beats you up with words from his therapist? Part 1”
and “What to do when your teen beats you up with words from his therapist? Part II” for more information on what to do when you are not on the same page as your child’s therapist or counselor.
We explained to Jessica that, given the fact her son will be home, she needs to remember the “your right” agreement followed by the “never the less” statements, the “I’m not comfortable with that” response and (in the case of the cell phone) use the “Gee Honey. I am really sorry but I screwed up. You see, I forgot to tell you that you can have your cell phone back but never the less there is no texting” option.
Jessica is awarded a PSSTrophy for "Proficient use of PSST Power Phrases prior to attending her first PSST Meeting."
Parents often have much more power than they give themselves credit for. This is something PSST wants all parents to know. The cell phone, especially if you are paying for it, is yours to give and take at your will. In addition to grounding teens, cutting off computer access, Facebook and my space, confiscating iPods and video games are all fair game when it comes to consequences for bad behavior. The more power you take the more your teen will understand that their options are becoming fewer and fewer.
When it comes to Home Contracts always remember that:
- Contracts can be revised on a periodic basis (weekly, every other week, monthly, etc.) following a review with the teen, the parent(s) and the P.O. if one is involved.
- Contracts can only be modified by the parent and the P.O.
To read more on Home Contracts click on "Cisco's Return Home"
and "Home Contract from Caron Foundation"
Thanks for making it to PSST Jessica. We hope that you will continue to attend. If you have time to tell your story (or just to vent) email to the blog at sallyservives@gmail.com
Sally & Rocco’s 18 year old son Cisco has been welcomed back to his adult recovery program he ran away from a few weeks ago. We had a chance to visit him on Thursday and it went very well. We heard good things from the counselor and from his house mates. He is looking forward to attending the “Start to Live Convention” put on by Narcotics Anonymous this coming weekend.
He was anxious to explain his plans to us about getting his own apartment when he completes his program. He even assured us that he would come home for dinner once or twice a week. We told him that it would be really great and we look forward to it but not to rush things. First he needs to complete this program and then he would probably need to get a job that pays well enough to afford things like rent, clothing, furniture, food, utilities and other incidentals. He told us that he didn’t plan on eating much so he was not too worried about that. We told him it was good that he is thinking clearly about his future but to slow down take things one day at a time.
Sally explained to Cisco that through various recovery programs over the last 17 months he has achieved almost 13-1/2 months of clean time. This has gone a long way into resolving a lot of his anger problems and allowed him to complete his G.E.D.
Like we advised Cisco, Sally and I will take our families recovery one day at a time.
Marcie’s 16 year old son, Chuck, is awaiting his day in Juvenile Court and has been assigned a Probation Officer. Marcie is going to work with the P.O. to see that her son get the help he needs. Her son has been up and down in his behavior the last few weeks. Chuck’s time at his Intensive Outpatient Program has been increased because of his attitude and attempts to manipulate his parents. He has tested clean for drugs but his mom is still concerned that he may be using K-2 Spice and alcohol.
Marcie’s biggest problem is that Chuck lives with her ex-husband, Linus.  Linus finds it easier not to confront his son about his issues and problems. Linus is a classic enabling dad. He pretty much lets Chuck have his way, helps Chuck keep secrets from his mom and his counselors and will lie to cover up for Chuck. Whether he is doing this out of spite, is suffering from a bad case of denial, or because he truly thinks he can help his son by ignoring bad behavior, he is dead wrong.
Now that Chuck has a P.O. Marcie will have some much needed support to help him move in the right direction. She cannot control what happens at Linus’ house or improve Linus’ attitude. For now she needs to work with the PO and the system. Chuck will also need to develop a major attitude adjustment prior to his court appearance.
It is not easy Marcie but you are doing the right thing – Keep attending the PSST Meetings, we’re here for you.
Jane, one of our newer PSST Moms, has a son Elroy who is about to turn 18. He has a hearing pending on possession.
Jane has worked hard to get Elroy started on his recovery. This is despite a lack of cooperation by Elroy and a lack of help from her husband George. Elroy doesn’t want to attend his IOP. George is another typical enabling dad. He does not want to deal with his son’s behavior, he openly disagrees with his spouse and he is “waiting for his son to turn 18 and leave home”. This does nothing to help their son’s recovery but George thinks that it will make “problems go away”.
This can be a deadly solution as well.
Jane is relly tired of working harder at her son’s recovery than he is. I think a lot of us find ourselves in this position at times. Once in a while we all need to take a break and take care of ourselves.
Unfortunately there are no quick fixes for addictive behaviors. Fortunately once our teens are in the system, or facing a hearing, they will need to take responsibility for their actions and they will have to deal with the consequences for their behavior.
We should let them know ahead of their juvenile court hearing that we can be there to back them up or we can be there to make sure that the truth will be told. No lies, no covering up and no parental guilt.
Thanks for sticking with PSST Jane – You are taking back the power. Take some time to refocus on yourself and your other kids.
Lois is a first time PSST mom with a 16 year old daughter Meg who is facing a hearing on DUI charges.
Too often we take our children’s mistakes and behaviors on as a reflection of ourselves. We need to refocus and hold our children responsible for their actions. We need to be firm and let them know that we expect them to work on resolving their issues but we do not need to vent our anger on them, dump guilt on them or insult them. Never the less we can use our anger to remind ourselves and our teen that their behavior caused the problem, that they are the only one that can control their behavior and that they are the only one that can change their behavior.
We can use our anger to let go of our guilt and hold our teen accountable for their actions and responsible for whatever consequences come from those actions.
We appreciate you coming to PSST Lois. We’re here to support you.
Daisy has a 15 year old son, Ozzie, in an Inpatient Recovery Program.
He is there and he has been clean for almost 60 days because Daisy stood up to the Public Defender and stood up in court to see that her son received the help that he needs. A lot of us parents have been able to do this thanks to PSST. We appreciate the effort it takes to get to courage to do this Daisy.
Daisy told us that Ozzie has adjusted well to his placement and is working the program .
Daisy is awarded a "PSST New-Sheriff-in-Town Award" for taking back the power.
Thanks for sharing your story with us Daisy. You have shown us all how well Act 53, and a determined mom, can work for our teens. It would be great to hear it told from your perspective on the blog at sallyservives@gmail.com
Violet has an 18 year old son Sal who is in a halfway house.
Violet let Sal know that she has pressed charges against him in order to get him onto probation. She needs this as a safety net for when he completes his program. When she asked him how he felt about it he said he was ‘indifferent ‘about it. She found out later that he is not happy with his mom filing charges against him and that’s okay.
Violet explained to Sal “I am holding you accountable for actions; I am not holding your actions against you.”
She is hoping that Sal will complete his program in time to attend the spring semester at college.
She has put a lot of effort into her son’s recovery and is the one person who has stuck with him and seen him through his issues.
Violet is awarded a "PSST New-Sheriff-in-Town Award" for taking back the power.
Violet’s next big task is to take some time out for herself.
Thanks for coming to PSST Violet. You’re helping your son and your helping our new PSST Parents and we’re here to help you.
Ralph’s son Ed has recently completed his inpatient program and is attending an alternative school. He is doing well and is dreaming of his landscaping business and his dump truck. Ed and his mom, Alice, were away on a church retreat and left Ralph home alone this weekend. Missing Alice’s cooking Ralph knew he could find some goodies to eat at the PSST Meeting.
Ralph and Alice’s have four children. Their other son, Norton, had to choose between living at home clean and sober or to live on his own. Unfortunately he has chose to live on his own for now. And is any of you are wondering they were not waiting for the day Norton turned 18 and moved out. They would prefer to have him at home; but only if he can stick to the rules.
Ralph and Alice have been in PSST for less than one year. They have contributed a lot to our meetings and to our blog. Ralph wrote a post on the blog, that you can click on, called “Summer Vacations and Old Faithful”…
…“We need to be Old Faithful in sticking to the rules, not enabling, being consistent, letting our "No" stay "No", and staying empowered. Even when we do that, teens will be teens, and they will be Faithful to looking for a way around the rules or wanting us to go back to the old nugget system of enabling…”
Thanks Ralph and Alice. You have shown us at PSST to remember to be aware - Addiction and Manipulation do not take a vacation. Your wisdom, your good sense of humor and your resolve help all of us.
Lindy Lou is a PSST mom who has been with us for about 18 months. Her son Drew has been in in-patient and outpatient programs over that time. He has been doing well lately. He is going to school and holding down a part time job. He recently tested positive for THC but denies using.
His mom is perplexed as to why, when or where Drew could have used. All those codependent alarm bells and whistles go off loud and clear.
Was it the brownies he had on the school bus?
Doesn’t he understand that this can ruin his whole program?
Is it the friends he is hanging out with?
Was it an impulsive act?
Doesn’t he remember what we have been through in the last two years?
Could it be a contact high? But why would he be hanging out close enough to people using to get a contact high?
Why didn’t I pay closer attention to his behavior?
Were the tests wrong?
Is this a relapse?
When is he going to get it?
This last question is the question that baffles all parents of addicts.
Most of our kids are intelligent kids. One day at a Dual Diagnosis session, about three years ago, Cisco was being exceptionally Oppositional Defiant and I said to him “You are going to get this someday. How about making it easier on everyone and start now?”
A year later Sally and I joined PSST, Cisco helped out by getting himself into the system, he has been through several programs and I think he is slowly getting it.
Drew is a smart young man and understands the consequences for using. He does not want to return to Shuman. Not even just to await a hearing.
Is this a relapse? How do you handle this?
Click on Lloyd’s post “When a Relapse Occurs”
Task Number One: Give your teen a chance to tell you why, when and where this happened.
Keep in mind, that while an admission from your teenager is important, it is not necessary.
Try to refrain from calling your teen a liar. Name calling can be counter-productive. Saying things like, "I am struggling to belive your story - it doesn't account for why this test is positive" is different from saying "I don't believe you- I know you are lying."
Remember, we don't "know" anything, unless we were there when he got high. But he has to tell us something that makes sense, something that is credible, and if he tests positive on the second test as well as the first, then he has some "explaining to do."
Task Number Two: holding your teen accountable.
Whether or not your teen admits to a relapse, you can move to the second task.
Things to AVOID doing:
1. Avoid asking 'Why?' Instead, ask 'What did you do?' Follow this with ‘What are you going to do about it?’
2. Avoid asking how could they do this to you? Try not to take it personally. It was Probably not something they wanted to do to you - they probably just like the feeling of getting high.
3. Avoid keeping secrets. Not from the other parent, the siblings, the counselor, or from the Probation Officer. This has to be exposed for what it is.
4. Avoid "ripping them a new one." That just doesn't help. Let them feel the heat via consequences, not via your verbal tirade.
5. Avoid falling into the trap of making the primary issue all about his lying. The primary issue is his continued abuse of drugs. His lying about it is the secondary issue.
6. Avoid Guilt - It is natural to want to make your teen feel guilty about this. Stop it. Instead let them know that you are holding them accountable for their actions.
BTW - "Oh, we talked about that, things are cool now, everything's ok” is not holding them accountable. If you have not held your teen accountable, then the issue has not been dealt with…It's a trap.
The primary issue is not his guilt- it's his relapse.
Remember that people learn from failure.
Sometimes we have to fail and experience the consequences for that failure in order to learn. The old saying is: people change because they feel the heat- not because they see the light. Just remember that the most effective "heat" is consequences, not a verbal thrashing.
More information on Relapse is available on at the HBO – Addiction site “What is Relapse” recommended by Veteran PSST Parent Ken.
Thanks for returning and sharing Lindy Lou, it was so good to see you again.
Posie, another good friend and PSST Mom, made it to the meeting but had to leave before having a chance to share her story.
Thanks for coming back to the meeting Posie – We hope to see you again soon.
Another good friend and Alumna PSST Mom, Jasmine, returned for a visit. Jasmine started with PSST in 2005 when her then teenager Gene was getting involved in drugs. She worked with Gene through his recovery. Gene is now in the Army and still giving his mom surprises but not to do with drugs. Gene is on his second overseas tour of duty in Afghanistan.
Thanks for returning to see us Jasmine. Give your son our thanks for his duty when you write to him. May God watch over him and you.
Note from Rocco: Wow! That was another Great turnout! It was also a lot to remember. Even though a couple of you caught Sally and me taking notes, if we missed anything, got something confused or wrong, or if you just want to comment please do at the bottom of this post. You can also send your comments to sallyservives@gmail.com
ROLE PLAY
This week’s role play concerned a teen coming out of an Inpatient Program. His mom is picking him up and has to discuss his Home Contract. She has to tell him that even though his contract allows him to have a cell phone he will not be able to text with it.
This week’s Role Play PSSTARs were Sally – the Mom with a mission and Kathie T - the soon to be annoyed adolescent
They are riding home in the car:
Mom: Herman it is so good to have you coming home.
Herman: It sure is. That place was really getting annoying towards the end. Hey mom…
Mom: I’ll bet it was. What did you find so annoying?
Herman: You know. They didn’t have anything else to teach me. I had it all figured out in a week or two. So anyways Mom…
Mom: You always were a quick learner Herman. The counselors all said that you did really well.
Herman: Yeah I think one of them was hot for me, but listen mom, where is my cell phone.
Mom: I’m so glad that you brought that up Herman. I wanted to talk to you about your cell…
Herman: Mom! It’s in the contract. Miss Betty said it is okay if I have a cell phone.
Mom: You’re right Herman. You do have a cell phone, never the less…
Herman: So where is it? I need to let my friends know that I am on my way home.
Mom: …never the less Herman you will not be able to text with your phone.
Herman: Huh? What are you talking about, Miss Betty said it is okay if I have a cell phone, where is my phone?
Mom: Miss Betty did say it is okay for you to have a phone. However I don’t feel comfortable with you texting…
Herman: No texting! How am I supposed to talk to any of my friends? It is the only way they’ll talk to me.
Mom: Well since dad and I are paying for the phone and I am not comfortable with you texting we are going to restrict it for now.
Herman: You’re nuts. I'll talk to dad when we get home. What the @#$&% did I just spend all that time locked up for? I did everything that you wanted me to and now you won’t let me use a stinking cell phone.
Mom: Listen Herman. For now you don’t get to text…
Herman: I did more than what I was supposed to do. I finished up most of my community service in there. What’s the problem?
Mom: Listen, we can talk about texting after you have been home for a couple of weeks. I am sorry, I should have brought this up while you were writing the contract. However we will review the contract once a week. If you have anything that you want to discuss we can and possibly even change. But only me, dad and your P.O. can make the changes. You understand, don’t you.
Herman: Yeah, I understand that it sucks. So I get testing back next week. Let me have your Droid so I can let my friends know that I am on my way home.
Mom: Herman lets skip the texting and just talk on the way home. Let’s start with how you are going to make me and dad feel good enough to let you text again someday…
I will stop here but we discussed that it is okay to put the blame on yourself – like “Geeze, I forgot to tell you that. Honestly, I’d forget my name if I didn’t carry my driver’s license. Listen Honey there will be no texting…” or maybe “Let’s call P.O. Columbo and see what he thinks about turning the texting back on in a couple of weeks.” To which Herman would probably reply, “P.O. Columbo? He couldn’t find his way to his office if his wife didn’t give him directions every day…”
The point of the role play is that parents are allowed to change their minds.
They can take (whatever privilege) away and they can give (whatever privilege) back whenever they want to. You, the parent, are in charge in your home. This is one of the best enforcements of your rules. They chance that at any time you can confiscate (whatever privilege) whenever you are not comfortable.
What does _____________________ mean?
Consent Decree, Hearing Officer, Act 53, commitment, restitution, probation, etc. Click on Juvenile Court Glossary
Have any questions? Come to our next PSST Meeting.
- What did I do wrong?
- What if he meets kids that use drugs at his recovery program?
- Were the tests wrong?
- Is this a relapse?
- What can I do? My husband/wife/partner/mother/dad/brother/sister already thinks that I always over-react about everything?
- What if the family/friends/neighbors/school/coach/church group/coworkers/police/scout leader finds out? I would be MORTIFIED! They will think that I am a horrible parent.
- What if I confront them about drug or alcohol use and they are clean? They will think that I am crazy.
- Why in the world would I put my teen into a rehab program? They will meet drug addicts and dealers there!
- How can I tell my kid not to use? They know that I used when I was a teenager. I’d be like a hypocrite or something.
- When is he going to get it?
COME TO PSST FOR ANSWERS TO THESE AND OTHER QUESTIONS YOU HAVEN’T EVEN THOUGHT OF YET!
THANKS
Thanks again to all of our PSST Pro's for making themselves available to us parents. Thanks to everyone who attended this meeting. It was outstanding to see how many concerned parents there are. As noted when you look around the room you see a lot of parents nodding in agreement, and understanding, of where you are coming from.
We are always looking for a few more parents to join us so we can offer them some help and some hope.
"By helping others succeed, we help ourselves succeed. Whatever good we give will complete the circle and will come back to us."
Our goal at PSST is to EMPOWER THE PARENTS of teenage substance abusers and/or Juvenile Court Youth with the support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to help their teenager to save their life.
 We would all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents who are learning how to manage their troubled teenagers.
This is another great example of how Trinity Lutheran has been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday November 20 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the 666 Washington Road, Mt. Lebanon
C'mon and join us.
PSST Meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life. If you are having problems with your teenager and suspect drug abuse please come to our next meeting.
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Summary of the Nov 6, 2010 Wilkinsburg PSST Meeting
We had very encouraging turn-out at Saturday’s PSST Meeting in Wilkinsburg led by our PSST Pros, Lloyd, Val, and Kathie T. There were 17 PSST Parents representing 14 families.
We had a nice mix of new and regular PSST parents, as well as a veteran PSST Mom returning to share her story. We know them here as Violet, Rocco & Sally, Rose, Candy, Ralph & Alice, Lily, Daisy, Max, Jane, Marci, Patti, Tom & Becky, our veteran Lori and her friend Lisa.
Please note: Because of the great turnout this post is a little longer than usual.
After brief introductions by each of our PSST Parents we began with a Role Play of a Juvenile Hearing. This was to assist 3 of our PSST Families that have teens scheduled for a hearing at juvenile court.
ROLE PLAY
Thanks to our Role Players this week - Judge Alice, P.O. Ralph, P.D. Lloyd, D.A. Lori, Max the Troubled Teen, Candy the Concerned Mom and Rocco the Uncooperative Dad.
The scenario is that a teen has been caught in school with three dime bags of marijuana and is charged with Possession with intent to deliver.
For this Role Play case; The Teen’s parents are concerned about the seriousness of their teen’s court appearance and possible juvenile record, unfortunately, they cannot agree about the seriousness of their child’s drug usage and wretched behavior.
The mom would like to see their daughter placed into an Inpatient Recovery Program to get her away from the drugs as well as the people and the places that are triggers for her drug usage. She would also like to have a little time to restore some order to their home.
The dad thinks that their daughter is doing just fine in an Intensive Outpatient Program, that her usage is just typical teen behavior and he has no problem with her living at home. As he likes to say “Hey, I smoked a little pot in high school myself and I’m okay.”
The D.A. and the Probation Officer support the mom’s plan while the Public Defender, of course is there to defend the Teen and backs her dad’s idea.
 For the sake of time our Role Play assumed that a Plea Bargain was accepted by all parties. The teen would accept a “Consent Decree” on the Possession charge if the “Intent to Deliver” was dropped.
This allowed us to move on to the Disposition part of the hearing where the Judge or Hearing Officer decides on the teen’s best plan of treatment. This is where the parents and the teen get to speak up.
In our Role Play since the Mom and Dad could not agree on what was best for their teen, Judge Alice (assisted by Val K) decided that the teen would return home on “Home Detention”, is required to attend an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) and to be drug tested every other day. The juvenile was also required to do a “90 in 90” program; that is to attend 90 approved recovery activities in 90 days.
If she breaches any of the above directives she will be in violation of her consent decree and may be taken to Shuman Center to await her hearing.
PLEASE NOTE: If both parents are on the same page and are willing to stand up to the Public Defender and to speak up at the hearing it will go a long way in getting their teen the help they want them to have. It typically takes parents out of their comfort zone to admit publicly that their child has a problem that is beyond their control in their home. Never the less, in the end it feels right in having a say in what kind of recovery program would best suit them. It also clarifies to the teen that the parents have the power in the family. Sally and I and other PSST Parents have learned how to do this and it has been worth the discomfort that we experienced for the results that we gained. It may help parents to collect and to write down your thoughts prior to the hearing and have them ready, if needed, to read at the hearing.
Explanations of Consent Decree, Hearing Officer, Home Detention and Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) can be found at the bottom of the blog.
LET'S TALK
Each of us had a chance to talk over our own situations and issues with our children in various stages of recovery. Because of the number of parents some kept their sharing short so those who really needed to talk had a chance. Thanks for your consideration.
As noted 3 of our PSST Families have teens that are scheduled for a hearing at juvenile court.
Marcie has a 16 year old son, Chuck, who was charged with possession of marijuana in school. He is awaiting his day in Juvenile Court and has been assigned a Probation Officer. Marcie is waiting for the PO to make contact with her. Her son has been up and down in his behavior the last few weeks. Marcie’s biggest problem is her ex-husband, Linus, who doesn’t want to address their son’s problem in the same urgent manner.
In fact anytime Chuck wants to act up he is welcomed at Linus’ house. Linus is a classic enabling dad. He lets Chuck pretty much have his way to visit people and places that can be trouble. Linus feels that Chuck is capable of making good decisions, is honest with him and feels that “we need to show our teen that we trust him”.
Can you believe this guy? I can. I practiced this same behavior 3 years ago myself and I was wrong. I was almost dead wrong.
As hard as it is, Marcie needs to accept the things she cannot change; courage to change the things she can; and wisdom to know the difference. She cannot control what happens at Linus’ house or improve Linus' attitude. She needs to work with the PO and the system to the best of her ability. She needs to make clear what acceptable behavior in her own home is and enforce it, not just with Chuck, but with all of her children. It is a big change, it feels uncomfortable and it will take time.
You’re doing the right thing for you and your son Marcie – Keep attending the PSST Meetings, we’re here for you.
Jane, one of our new PSST Moms, has a 17 year old son we call Elroy. See Jane’s Post “A Mom’s Story – Let’s Try Something Completely Different"
Elroy is about to turn 18 and also has a hearing pending on possession. Jane is working hard to get Elroy started on his recovery. She is doing a lot of ‘right stuff” including looking into Act 53.
Jane’s biggest road block is her husband George. George is another typical enabling dad who does not want to deal with his son’s need to correct his behavior, who openly disagrees with his spouse and who is “waiting for his son to turn 18 and leave home”. This does nothing to help their son’s recovery but George thinks that it will make “their problems go away”. This can be a deadly solution as well.
Jane has read up on the PSST “power words and phrases” and has put them into good practice over the last few weeks.
Elroy once again attempted to manipulate his mom into turning back on the texting on his cell phone. Jane held her ground despite his “But I am being so good” ploy, and then his “I am not going to school” ruse and finally his “Well then I will not go to IOP tonight” threat. She reminded Elroy that he is about to turn 18 and is old enough to make those decisions nevertheless he better be prepared to accept the consequences, especially with his hearing coming up. Well, Elroy went to school, went to his IOP meeting and Elroy still cannot text.
Good move Jane!
This is so important – Cell Phones and texting are basically nothing but more drug paraphernalia. Cutting off texting takes away a lot of the people that our children should not be dealing with.
Jane is awarded a PSSTrophy for using the most PSST power phrases (“You’re right”, “Never-the-less” and “Ask me again”) decisively and effectively before attending her first official PSST Meeting.
Thanks for joining us Jane – You are taking back the power and doing so much to help your son start his recovery.
Becky and Tom’s son recently began an inpatient recovery program while awaiting his hearing. Entering an inpatient program is certainly a tough transition for our teens. It is likewise a difficult time for the parents. Moving into an unfamiliar territory is always uncomfortable. First to admit that your child has a problem that is beyond your control can be awkward. Second, even though you understand the program is what they need, it does not always feel right.
Try to remember that your son is clean, safe and under the care of professionals.
This is not a time to feel guilty. You now have some quiet time to sort things out, get some rest and to do some things that your son’s behavior prevented you from doing. You can enjoy stopping for lunch without wondering where he might be going, get through your day without the school calling and have a good night’s sleep without wondering when he will sneak out. This is the time for No Guilt.
The road to recovery is not one that parents think that they will need to travel but when you find yourself there you want to obtain all of the directions and guidance that you can find.
We hope to see you again at our meetings Becky and Tom – As Max wrote in July; “All I know is, I don't feel like crying right now, because I spent the last year crying and worrying. He is now in a safe place. Maybe I can relax a bit and take a deep breath before embarking on the next chapter…” – We understand where you are and we are here to support and guide you.
Daisy is a one of our Super PSST Moms. She started attending meetings in May, 2009. She tried to work with her 15 year old son, Ozzie, over the summer in an IOP recovery program. When he would not cooperate Daisy did not hesitate and used Act 53 to get him into an inpatient program.
When Ozzie began acting up at his inpatient program Daisy filed charges against him. He had his juvenile hearing last week. Ozzie is now on probation in a second facility with a consent decree. Daisy managed to stand up to the Public Defender and stand up in court to see that her son received the help that he needs. Sally and I and a lot of our PSST Partners have been there Daisy and we know what an effort this takes to get the courage to do this.
Daisy told us two interesting things that occurred in juvenile court. First the Public Defender asked Ozzie if his mom would stick with her charges or was there a chance that she would back down. Ozzie told him that there is no way his mom would back done. The second is when the hearing was over the judge asked Daisy if she attended the PSST Meetings. She proudly assured her that “Yes, I do.”
When she went to visit Ozzie he told her that he thinks that he is finally getting it. He regretted that if he would have got it earlier he would still be home with her. He said he will try to accept the program and get back home when he can.
Way to go Daisy.
You have come a long way in a short time! If you get time please take the time to share your story on the blog with us. It would be great to hear it told from your perspective. OH, and thanks for the delicious cake!
Violet has an 18 year old son Sal who is in a halfway house. She took him out on a pass to have lunch. On the way back they stopped at a store to pick up some supplies. When they returned to the car Sal asked if he could go back in to the store to pick up a magazine. When he came back he didn’t have the magazine and had his hands in his jacket pockets, After Violet confronted him he pulled out some over the counter medicine that he purchased.
He gave his mom the medicine hoping that she would not tell the counselors at the halfway house. Violet remembered that keeping secrets is another way to enable your adolescent. As hard as it was she told them and also explained her concerns about his depression. The halfway house kept him in the safe room that night and Val is trying to work with them to get Sal the help he needs.
Depression and suicide are serious subjects that we need to face up to and act on.
Suicide threats and suicide attempts should ALWAYS be taken very seriously. If your child threatens suicide take them to an emergency room immediately for an evaluation.
Never ignore or minimize a suicide threat or a suicide attempt.
Violet is doing what she can to get Sal onto probation to get him some more help in his recovery. She has put a lot of effort into her son’s recovery and is the one person who has stuck with him and seen him through his issues.
Violet’s next big task is to take some time out for herself.
Thanks for sticking with PSST Violet. You’re helping your son and you're helping our new PSST Parents and we’re here to help you.
Sally & Rocco’s son Cisco is looking forward to returning to the adult recovery program he ran away from a few weeks ago. If there is an upside to his running away it is that the program wants him back. It’s also good that he has learned that he has nowhere to run to. Once PO Columbo and Family Counselor Nancy Drew turned up the heat in the township none of Cisco’s so-called friends wanted anything to do with him, much less let him hide out in their basements.
Cisco has also has discovered that he doesn’t want to hang out with teenage users, and thinks he is ready to begin his recovery. Our last few visits with Cisco have gone well.
Like everything else these days, Sally and I will take this one day at a time.
Rose is one of our newer PSST Moms and is still not ready to open up and share her story at this time and that is okay.
Please keep visiting with us at PSST Rose; we are all here to support and encourage you.
Candy told us that her daughter Tori is doing well in a recovery program for young girls. Candy and her husband Aaron had the courage to stand up in court several times this summer. They did everything they could to see that their daughter Tori was placed back into an inpatient recovery program. Like many of us, Candy and Aaron’s family have a few more years to heal themselves along with Tori. Addiction is a family disease and we all need to continue to work at our recovery.
Thanks for being part of PSST Candy. You have showed everyone what it means to stand up for your family.
Max has been coming to PSST for almost a year with her husband Mel. Max and Mel have learned to convey to their two sons that they are a team, they are in charge and that they cannot be manipulated or separated. They have helped their sons through their difficulties this year and their family is on the way to recovery.
AS Max posted in Dr. Max Explains it All to You: Diagnosis W.I.S.:
‘…following a therapists' advice does not mean you are giving the kid too much power as in the past. It may mean that you need to find "the courage to change what you can". But, being knowledgeable and empowered gives parents the courage to say "I'm not comfortable with that"!’
Lloyd commented: 'It is a challenge for us all to keep the focus on ourselves especially when a loved one suffers from addiction; it is so important because without keeping the focus on ourselves we are less grounded to help our loved one.'
Thanks for continuing in PSST Max and for sharing your stories on the blog.
 It was good to see Lily again. Lily’s son has completed his inpatient recovery program, returned to school and earned his Eagle Scout Rank. Lily said that things are going well for them and appreciates how PSST helped them to get to where they are. She also had thanks for Wesley Spectrum and specifically Cathy C’s help with her son.
Congratulations to you and your son, Lily. Please keep on dropping in see us at PSST. If you have the time we would love to have you share your story on the blog.
Alice and Ralph’s son Ed has recently completed his inpatient program and is attending school. He is also starting up his landscaping business again. Their older son Norton has made the choice to leave home and to live life on his own terms rather than follow their house rules. They let him know that he is welcomed back home when he is ready to comply.
Alice shared a story about this. The other day, while Ralph and Ed where out, she had a knock on the door. She opened the door to a couple of sheriffs and a street full of police cars and vans. They had a warrant for Norton. Alice explained where he was and she was told that they would put out a national alert for him. Just so there were no big surprises Alice hurried to call Ralph and let him know why there were so many police vehicles around their home, if he spotted them on his way home. Boy, talk about a trigger for parents!
Ralph and Alice have been in PSST for less than one year. They have contributed a lot to our meetings and to our blog. Ralph wrote a piece on the blog called Flying Above the Storm…
“…And suddenly, the rain started to lift a little. The lightning wasn't coming so close. The storm was moving off. ... Wait, it wasn't the storm that was moving. My son is still a drug addict and alcoholic, who doesn't want to get clean, and is facing serious charges. My son, from my point of view, is still trying to wreck his entire life. The storm is still there. The storm is still destroying things and lives. It was me who was moving. I was learning to fly above his problems. I was the one who saw that I could become an eagle. I still have a long way to go. My son will probably learn better manipulation techniques. But I can learn too. I can fly higher above his problems. I can work on my own problems. But most of all, I can learn to fly above the storm.”
Thanks Ralph and Alice. You both have learned so much so quickly. You have taught us at PSST how important it is to "fly above the storm" of manipulation. Your wisdom, your good sense of humor and your resolve are so beneficial to all of us.
We appreciate that Marcie’s friend Patti returned to our PSST meeting. Her teenage son like so many others has been “experimenting” with marijuana and defiant behavior. Unlike Marcie, Patti’s husband is on the same page as her in dealing with their son. They will not allow themselves to be manipulated by him.
Teens that abuse drugs are master manipulators. Stay alert at all times of the tremendous manipulative skills teenage addicts develop and their uncanny ability to switch techniques almost the instant they realize that the method they are using is not working. They can turn from your sweet child to a nagging whiner or an angry monster punching holes in walls and doors, in seconds, to get what they want.
Thanks for returning to PSST Patti. You are off to a good start. Please come to some more meetings. Remember to practice "I am not comfortable with that."
Lori came back to share with us. Lori started with PSST for help when her son Richie was in his mid-teens. They have been through about ten years of recovery together. He has been through several programs and has not been home for most of the time. Richie left for Miami a few years ago. He finished his college degree and now has a full time job.
Richie called Lori last week.
He asked her “Are you still going to those meeting with that Lloyd guy?”
When she said yes he told her “You tell him to tell the parents that they are in charge and they should keep doing everything that they are doing to help keep their kids clean.”
This is what Lori had been waiting to hear for almost ten years; her son is getting it!
As tough as it has been, Lori has done all she can to see that her son recovers and makes a life for himself. She thinks that it is good for him to be away from home and clean for now.
Thanks for returning and sharing your story with us Lori, it was so good to see you again.
Lori’s friend Millie is also an experienced parent of a son in recovery.
Freddie has been in and out of recovery programs also and lives away from home now. She wishes that she had PSST to help her when he was still a teen. You might remember at our Wexford September meeting that Freddie had just left on a trip to Europe. Millie was glad to report that he had no problems and he is back in the country. Like Lori she realizes that it is better that he lives away from home for now. He is alive and in recovery and that is what we all want for our sons and daughters with drug problems.
If anyone even suspects that their teenager is using drugs or alcohol they should come to a PSST Meeting. They are getting involved in what can be a deadly game. We will show you the proper way to confront your child about these issues. The worst that can happen is that you become a better educated parent and your child understands that you will not tolerate drugs and alcohol usage.
Thanks for making it to the meeting Millie and sharing your story.
Note from Rocco: Wow. That was a Great turnout! It was also a lot to remember. If I missed anything, or got something wrong, or you just want to comment please do at the bottom of this post or send your comments to sallyservives@gmail.com
What does _____________________ mean? A couple of Definitions
To see more click on Juvenile Court Glossary
Consent Decree – An order of the Court which suspends the delinquent proceedings against a juvenile. It places youth under voluntary supervision in his or her own home, under terms and conditions negotiated with the probation department and agreed to by all parties affected. It can be in effect for up to one year with reviews at three, six, nine and twelve months.
The Judge offers a Consent Decree when he feels that there is proof of criminal behavior but he would like to give the juvenile a chance to complete a period of Court supervision successfully without making a Court Finding of Delinquency, therefore there is no record of Delinquency. Of course, if things don't go well the case comes back into Court and the Judge may issue a Finding of Delinquency the second time around. If things do go well the charges end up being dismissed.
Hearing Officer – an attorney appointed by the Court who is authorized, under the Juvenile Act, to conduct delinquency and dependency hearings. Hearing Officers’ decisions can be appealed to a Juvenile Court Judge.
Home Detention - Home detention refers to a measure by which a juvenile is confined in his/her residence by the authorities. Under home detention travel, if allowed, will be restricted to only appropriate travel (school, court, community service, doctor visits, PO visits, church services, etc.) Home detention serves as an alternative to juvenile detention. Visitors are restricted to only persons approved by the juvenile authorities and parents. The juvenile must call-in before leaving the house at anytime and call-in upon their return. The juvenile also receives random calls to verify that they are home. In some cases the juvenile will also be placed on an electronic monitor (aka ankle bracelet.
Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) - support program used primarily to treat chemical dependency that does not rely on detoxification. A typical IOP program offers group and individual services of 10–12 hours a week. IOP allows the individual to be able to participate in their daily affairs, such as work, and then participate in treatment at an appropriate facility in the morning or at the end of the day.
The typical IOP program encourages active participation in 12-step programs in addition to the IOP participation. IOP can be more effective than individual therapy for chemical dependency
Have any questions? Come to our next PSST Meeting.
QUESTIONS LIKE:
- What did I do wrong?
- How can I tell if my teen is addicted or suffering from depression?
- What can I do? If I even mention the subject they get angry and start talking about suicide.
- Give me a break. If I don’t give them the money they will nag me to death or just take it.
- How can I say no when they work so hard at doing good?
- What if the family/friends/neighbors/school/coach/church group/coworkers/police/scout leader finds out? I would be MORTIFIED! They will think that I am a horrible parent.
- How can I take their cell phone away? How will I get hold of them? How will I know where they are at? Besides they paid for it.
- What if I confront them about drug or alcohol use and they are clean? They will think that I am crazy.
- What happens if they are arrested and charged? They will have a record. They won’t be able to get a job or attend the school that they want to. The will get kicked off of the team.
- How can I talk to them without making them angry? They’ll yell obscenities at me and punch the walls.
- Why in the world would I put my teen into a rehab program? They will meet drug addicts and dealers there!
- How can I press charges against them? Even the local police told me it is just a little bit of weed and the most that will happen is the magistrate will fine them and I will have to pay it.
- If I press charges against my own child, how will they ever trust me again?
- How can I tell my kid not to use? They know that I used when I was a teenager. I’d be like a hypocrite or something.
- What can I do? My husband/wife/partner/mother/dad/brother/sister already thinks that I always over-react about everything?
COME TO PSST FOR ANSWERS TO THESE AND OTHER QUESTIONS YOU HAVEN’T EVEN THOUGHT OF YET!
THANKS
Thanks again to all who attended this meeting. It was outstanding to see how many concerned parents there are. As noted when you look around the room you see a lot nodding in agreement and understanding of where you are coming from. We are always looking for a few more parents to join us so we can offer them some help and some hope.
"By helping others succeed, we help ourselves succeed. Whatever good we give will complete the circle and will come back to us."
Our goal at PSST is to EMPOWER THE PARENTS of teenage substance abusers and/or Juvenile Court Youth with the support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to help their teenager to save their life.
Our thanks to the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office for the use of their space.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday November 13 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Trinity Lutheran Church 2500 Brandt School Road, Wexford, PA 15090
C'mon and join us.
PSST Meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life. If you are having problems with your teenager and suspect drug abuse please come to our next meeting.
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