"I'm up on the tight wire, one side's ice and one is fire..." - Leon Russell
We got home from the PSST meeting yesterday and, lo and behold, I looked in the mirror and saw a 5 of diamonds. Damn, I thought for sure it was an Ace of Spades two days ago. (Lloyd's excellent post: Indian Poker Anyone?)
Francois and I were walking a very thin tightrope with Pierre, afraid of the other D word (depression). Having had a brother who committed suicide from depression, another brother who spent most of his adult life behind bars because of struggles with schizophrenia and alcoholism, and depression running in both families, I have an intense fear of missing something with Pierre. To the point, that I didn't want to cause more stress in his life.
So, Pierre was home for two days and we overlooked him missing two NA meetings. We didn't react right away when he took the car for a drive at 11:00 at night.
I know-- it sounds crazy to me as I'm writing this.
After all our PSST training, we knew better. Somehow, we thought Pierre's story would be different. After all, he did so well at the YES program, right? He must have all the tools and motivation to make the right choices, so why add more stress to his life?
I am glad that no one (Lloyd) sugar-coated the truth at yesterday's meeting. We were on our way to enabling Pierre quicker than you can say Indian Poker. It took someone compassionate, yet bold, to state the truth clearly.
So, we went home from the meeting and took the car from Pierre. After Pierre blew off some steam and returned to the discussion, Francois went over the contract with him again and reiterated our expectations.
We will continue to address his mental health needs, but as one wise shaman said (you know who you are) "The depression will still be there, the accountability is another issue."
We are going to have weak moments and moments of doubt and fear. We are asking each of you in PSST to continue to hold us accountable as we need to hold Pierre accountable.
We will not agree with everything that is suggested, but we will listen and continue to evaluate our behaviors and actions. Thank you!!!
Brigitte and Francois
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Walking the Tightrope ~ by Brigette
Posted by:Sally--Monday, August 15, 2011
Indian Poker anyone? (updated Sunday 8:15 AM)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, August 13, 2011
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| Indian Poker is sometimes called Blind man's bluff. |
In families of addicts the tendency to say everything is OK is tremendous. And with denial, you don't just break through to the other side once, and then you're good. Denial can creep back anytime during the addict's recovery.
No matter how bad things may look, no matter your inner voice is telling you that this is BS, an addict and his family sometimes can't see it. Instead the family makes excuses such as, "He is depressed," "I can't work his program for him," "Even though he might be using, it's not as bad as it used to be," "I can't be so negative all the time, “If he gives up all his old friends, he won't have any friends at all, and that's not acceptable either," "It's time I worked on my own program and let him worry about working his program."
Addict's families need help on this one. Everyone can't see it. But people don't want to give feedback that might hurt someone's feelings. Naturally, there is a risk involved when giving feedback to someone. Sometimes the feedback is too much and it turns out to be counter-productive. This happens when the person receiving the feedback pushes away from the group because they don't want to hear it. To coin a new word the whole thing becomes counter-frontational.
It's a little bit like playing Indian Poker. The players have one or two cards held up to their forehead so that everyone can see the cards except the person whose card it is. The only way he can catch a glimpse is by the way others around him react. Sometimes, someone with a five thinks they have a face-card. It's funny to everyone else who can plainly see that it is indeed only a five.
So what can we do?
We can invite feedback. We can ask our friends, family, and fellow PSST members to tell us what they see. We can ask on a regular basis. Our real friends will tell us the truth but sometimes only if we ask. Otherwise, they think we don't want to know, we wouldn't listen anyway, and if we speak our mind our friendship might end.
Another thing we can do if we're really brave is just tell the other parent that they're not thinking clearly. Or, if we're not brave, we can just write a post and somewhere in there put this line, "You know who you are." The problem, of course, is that often the parent does indeed not know who they are.
Let's use the ole You Might Be a Redneck if ________!
1. You might be in denial if you know your teenager who is supposed to be in recovery is still using, although he doesn't appear to be as "badly off" with it as he was before he went into rehab, if you've decided that the best course of action for right now is to do nothing.
2. You might be in denial if your teenager isn't following his contract that you wrote before he was discharged from inpatient drug treatment and you've decided that the best course of action for right now is to do nothing.
3. You might be in denial if your teenager isn't being responsible in some major areas of his life, such as following his contract, and you've decided for right now it's OK if he still drives a car.
4. You might be in denial if your teenager has violated his Conditions of Supervision and you've decided for right now not to let his PO know about it.
5. You might be in denial if your inner voice is telling you it's time to be a stronger parent and take action but your other inner-voice is saying, "There's really nothing I can do that would help anyway." Especially, if your child still lives at home there is always something that can be done to send your teenager a message. Not acting also sends your teenager a message.
Remember, being in denial doesn't mean that you won't admit that stuff is happening. Usually, the Parent can admit that there are issues, but then deny that they need to take any action by telling themselves that in some ways what's happening isn't really that bad. Denial results in a failure to admit that you should take action, not a failure to admit that there is an issue.
If your teenager lives at home there is always something you can do to send a message that his behavior is unacceptable. If your teenager no longer lives at home, then you may be limited to making sure that you are not enabling him in anyway although sometimes even the estranged parent has other options.
And finally,
6. You might be in denial if you hear another parent share that 1-5 above is happening in their home but you've decided that there is no use in you confronting them because:
A. They already know that what they are doing is wrong.
B. They will never come back to a meeting.
C. They will kill the messenger.
D. That's not my job, that's Lloyd, Kathie and Val's job.
The problem with D is that parents helping parents can be more powerful than Lloyd, Kathie and Val doing the same thing. I don't know why, it just is. Also, when we reach out to help others we end up helping ourselves. It's the "If you really want to learn something, teach it"- kind of a thing.
So, to sum up: let's try not to let a fellow PSST parent drive down the road after a meeting with a five on their forehead thinking it was a face-card. But if we do do that (and there will be times when this just happens because we are all naturally afraid of being counter-frontational) remember that reaching out to people in between meetings can be just as powerful!
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Long Term Effects of Drugs on the Brain
Posted by:Sally--Saturday, August 13, 2011
I came across an explanation of the effects of drugs on the brain that was rather easy to understand. Click here if you wish to hear about it.
Solutions verses problems: what do our teenagers need the most?
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, August 08, 2011
I wrote this role-play with one family in mind. It turns out that I missed the boat and this role-play might not have played out this way at all in this family. Still, I think that it demonstrates the principal of how parents would do well to challenge their teenager to accept responsibility for the problem rather than always try to help give him solutions. It also uses PSST skills to avoid being sucked into manipulation.
As you read this role-play try to refrain from choosing either that this young man should go to a halfway house or that he should come home. That is the trap. Accept in your mind first that that decision will be made later not now. In fact, as parents, you may indeed have a strong opinion on that subject and that is fine..later. But for now, this is not something that the 'team' can either rule out or not rule out. This is the best way to get the sense of what this mother is doing with her teenager and, of course, what she is not doing.
Robert: You don't feel that I need a halfway house do you?
Mom: I didn’t think about it until you mentioned it the other day.
Robert: See, you didn't! You think I should come home right?
Mom: I'm not sure.
Robert: I'm getting so depressed in here thinking that I might have to do that.
Mom: Yes, I'm sure you are- it is a depressing thought.
Robert: So, do something!
Mom: What is it that you think I should do?
Robert: Something! Tell Lloyd he can't do that! Go to bat for me! Be a MOM! Tell him you demand that I come home- don't let this looser PO tell me after all I've been through that I can't come home! Oh yeah and did I tell you they smoke K2 down there!??? Is that what you want for me? Huh? Is it?
Mom: Well, good points all of them, and of course I don't want you smoking K2!
Robert: OK then so you'll do something?
Mom: Of course I will. I'll speak to Lloyd.
Robert: Will you tell him that I can come home, that you want me to come home?
Mom: I'll tell him that we are concerned and that We'd like to know more about it.
Robert: What more about it?! That sucks you don't have to know any more than what I'm telling you.
Mom: Yes, dear, I know you'd like me to guarantee you that you won't have to go to a halfway house.
Robert: Right!
Mom: Well, I can't do that can I?
Robert: This is soooooo depressing- why do I have to go there?
Mom: Well, I'm not sure that you do- but we have time on this one- let's talk later about it OK?
Robert: Mom! I'm going to be so depressed! That's what Lloyd said too?!
Mom: Yes, I think you're going to continue to be quite upset over this.
Robert: Well?
Mom: You're going to figure it out son.
Robert: Figure what out?
Mom: Figure out how to come straight home from here or figure out how to deal with the halfway house if you have to go there.
Robert: You make me depressed now. Get out of here! I'm done with this sh&t for today!
Mom: OK, I'll be back soon honey.
Robert: What, just like that you're leaving?
Mom: Well you said you had enough and that I should go.
Robert: But you never leave when I say that! I'm just saying I'm depressed, that's all!
Mom: Yes, you're dong a pretty effective job of telling me that you are depressed.
Robert: Not that you care! You're not doing anything to help.
Mom: No, I'm not am I?
Robert: You're making it worse.
Mom: I am. I can see that you are right. I'm making it worse. I'm going to leave but I'll be back soon- this visit has been hard for me too and I need to get going.
Robert: So nothing!? No help on this one- I come to you asking, begging for help and I get nothing?
Mom: Apparently, you're right! I got nothing on this one- other than the little bit I said, I'm afraid you'll have to figure this out on your own.
Robert: What if I just say fu&k it and walk out?
Mom: Is that crossing your mind son?
Robert: No, I'm just saying what if?
Mom: Well you'd have to do what you feel is best for you but I wouldn't like to hear that you did something like that.
Robert: Well what am I supposed to do? You won't help me?
Mom: That's right. You're just going to have to suffer this one out tonight I'm afraid.
Robert: Tonight OK, but you'll call him tomorrow?
Mom: Sure I said I'd call Lloyd, you know, to get more information about the halfway house and stuff like that.
Robert: You're messing my head up. I'm so out of here!
Mom: Wow. No! (concerned look) I'm really sorry to hear that!
Robert: To hear what, that your fu#&ingmy head up with this sh&t? You know what you're doing to me- you're doing it on purpose!
Mom: No, sorry about that too, but I meant I'm really sorry to hear that you might run. Have you talked to your therapist about that?
Robert: What the f^&k? Of course not!
Mom: I think that would be a good idea honey.
Robert: No! and don't you say anything to him either!
Mom: Ahhhh I can't keep that one secret.
Robert: Oh, I will be so mad at you - I trusted you! I trusted that I could talk to you?!!!
Mom: Oh?
Robert: And I'll never never never going to tell you anything again!!!!!
Mom: Oh well...
Robert: Yeah and don't come visit me again if you tell that on me.
Mom: Nevertheless, I can't keep things like that secret. (said slowly and moving in closer to son- but not yelling.)
Robert: You know what, I'm not even really thinking of doing that- haha you think I'm crazy? Man that’s a good way to get sent to Abraxas, I'm not stupid!
Mom: You're right! That would be a great way to be sent to abraxas! Oh. So you just said that about running?
Robert: Yeah, so that you would help me out- but your being such an a$$hole- that's why I had to lie to you.
Mom: OK, im' going to go now.
Robert: You're not going to say anything about this then?
Mom: I’m going to mention to your Counselor that you tried to manipulate me by lying, that you admitted that it was a lie, and that I think that was good, but they should keep an eye on you just in case.
Robert: You're ruining my life you know that don't you?
Mom: Apparently yes
Robert: I'm twice as depressed, no three times as depressed, as when Lloyd talked to me- he was bad enough but he's a PO so they pay him to be a d$$k- but you? You're my mother and you're acting like you don't even want me home!
Mom: I’m sure this is a lot to digest- lets talk later bye honey give me a hug.
Robert: I wouldn't get close to you if you was the only mother left on earth?
Mom: Hahaha. (A soft laugh- not a hahaha at him so much as just amused sort of laugh)
Robert: You laughing at me?
Mom: It's just funny what you said- you're hilarious Robert even now you haven't lost your sense of humor. It's one of the things I've always love about you.
Robert: [glares]
Mom: But it just makes me love you more. [positive affirming statement- even in "tough love" scenarios there is usually a way to lay the love on ;-)]
Robert; What the hell was so funny?
Mom: Never mind I'm not sure it would be funny to you.
Robert : What, tell me?
Mom: Ok, well you said if I was the last mother on earth- I am! I'm sort of the last mother on earth that you have, aren’t I?
Robert: Walks away mutting "MKothers! Mother f%^kers is more like it!"
Discussion: This started out as an email where the mother was telling me that she was trying to keep him "up." My advice was not to attempt even to keep him "up." It's his problem now. Tell him you feel confident that he can handle whatever comes down the pike. Don't weigh in on the halfway house idea yet. Tell him you are not sure at this point. Yes, that makes him more depressed but really he needs to see that you are not still invested so closely into making sure he feels better. Sometimes when you go through treatment you won't feel "up" and that's OK. It's a safe place to feel "down."
"There is no limit to the advice or solutions that we give our teens, for every sort of problem. But we seem to fail at giving them enough problems to solve." I forget who said that but it wasn't me.
How are our teenagers going to gain confidence if they can't solve problems? Also, giving solutions all the time reflects an underlying premise that you feel your teen is so incompetent that he couldn't figure out anything for himself. That's a confidence killer. Your teenager is competent. He can come up with solutions. He can work through depression. He can consider his options. Yes, he can also make mistakes and where possible learn from making those mistakes.
Also, double-check with staff that he is acting depressed. Sometimes teenagers want us, parents and POs to think they are suffering and miserable, but they aren't really acting that way at all when we aren't there. It's worth checking out.
Read More......
Proof That PSST Parents Have Strength AND a Sense of Humor
Posted by:Sally--Monday, August 08, 2011
As we await the finding and the eminent incarceration of “AWOL Andy - Day 6” I received this writing on Friday and actually giggled when reading what is behind that new door opening.
As parents of addicts we all have been standing in this ‘Hallway of Hell’ desperately trying to get back out, shut and triple dead bolt the door of addiction out of our families.
"Whenever One Door Closes Another Always Opens, Even Though, Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway!"
I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone.....
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only Faith keeps You Going.
"Worry looks around,Sorrow looks back,Faith looks up."
Change the World....one act of random kindness at a time!
~ excerpt from Tequila & Salt - author unknown
Cheryl, Jim & AWOL-Andy
Shattered Dreams
Posted by:Jenn--Wednesday, August 03, 2011
An article just published in the Pittsburgh Tribune Review highlights once more the dangers of smoking synthetic marijuana. A 13-year-old teen from Westmoreland County is fighting for his life in Children's Hospital, his lungs damaged so badly that he is on a respirator to keep him alive. It's just one more reminder of why we as PSST parents need to keep up the fight for our children - their hopes, their dreams, and their very lives may be hanging in the balance.
Click on this Link for the Full Article
What We Did This Summer at PSST
Posted by:Rocco--Wednesday, August 03, 2011
What We Did This Summer (at PSST)
We are happy to report that the attendance for the PSST meetings this summer has been consistently high. It is encouraging to see the number of parents who are not only assisting their child in their recovery but also learning how to work their own recovery. Addiction is a family illness.
ROCCO'S DISCLAIMER:Regrettably the number of attendees has made it difficult to keep the meeting summaries updated. So this is my attempt to summarize our summer of 2011 at PSST.
Please feel free to edit, correct or add to my summary as needed in the comment section below. I will not be offended.
First we thank our professionals, Val and Lloyd from Juvenile Probation and Kathy T, Justin, Jocelyn and Michelle from Wesley Spectrum for their advice and assistance at the meetings and for supporting our families.
Secondly we would like to thank our PSST Parents.
As Sally said "We are not Super Heroes; We are Real Heroes. Super Heroes have super powers and are indestructible. PSST Parents are Real Heroes because they are ordinary people who are destructible and who will work through the pain of addiction and do whatever is needed to save their child’s life."
Sally and Rocco have a 19 year old son, Cisco, who started around age 14 “just using” marijuana. In a very short time he progressed to just using a little DMX, just trying a few percs and then a little heroin. For the last 4 years we have been through the chaos of addiction and recovery and the nightmare of dealing with our insurance providers (should be labeled insurance deniers).
Cisco has been progressing well in his recovery. He had a relapse in early summer, admitted it and voluntarily entered an inpatient recovery program. He has returned to his halfway house, is attending meetings regularly and trying to launch himself in a job and living on his own.
At his counselor’s suggestion we had a meeting with Cisco’s support group (friends and counselors) and it went well. However Cisco hesitated in inviting any of his friends in recovery so we want to try this again with his entire support group. As his counselor noted “Cisco says he thought that his friends in recovery and his ‘normal’ friends would feel uncomfortable. What he meant to say is that he would feel uncomfortable.”
Sally and I have been working on our own recovery for the last two years and have relapsed [read: enabled / let our codependency resurface] a few times. With the help of PSST we have made a lot of progress and are doing well.
Daisy is a single mom with a 16 year old son, Ozzie. Daisy has been with PSST for about 1-1/2 years and has progressed with getting back the control in her house and over her son. Daisy stood up in court and had Ozzie placed into an inpatient facility when she realized that he was not doing well in his outpatient program.
As one of “PSST’s Charlie’s Angels” she grew stronger as her son progressed in his recovery. He came home to a new order at home this spring and finished up the school year but slowly regressed.
When Daisy confronted him a few weeks ago he warned her that if she dared to “force” him back into another inpatient program he would come home worse than he ever was. Daisy asked him “What makes you think you can come home again?” This is something that Daisy could not have said a year ago and certainly got his attention. At our last meeting Ozzie was in Shuman Detention Center awaiting an opening in an inpatient program.
Max and Melhave two sons in recovery, Michael 19 and David 16. their younger son David has spent the last year in an out-of-state program. He has done well and was scheduled to come home in August.
Their older son Michael completed his program and is working. He has had some good discussions with Max and Mel but Michael tends to argue over trivial matters. Max is doing her best to detach and back away from working Michael’s recovery. This is a tough point for parents, especially moms [I am observing here not trying to be chauvinistic].
We really want for our teens to work their recovery successfully - never the less - we need to understand that they are the only ones that can work their programs.
Michael chose not to complete high school and will work on getting his G.E.D. His goal is to get a good enough job so that he can get his own apartment and live on his own. This is a good thing.
As we have noted in the meetings if your teenager’s goal is to live at home and depend on their parents to support them, it is probably a bad sign. Along those lines they informed Michael that as of Sept 1 he will need to start paying rent or find another place to live. Max and Mel as always are there to support him, not enable him.
Violet is another single mom. Her 19 year old son, Vinnie,, is a heroin addict. He too has been through several recovery programs but the latest one, a youth forestry program, has worked better than the rest.
Thanks to Violet’s initiative and fortitude Vinnie has made it through his first year of college and is looking and sounding better than ever. He will complete his program in time to return to his second year of college.
Like a lot of us Violet has been through all of the stages of recovery with her son from hopefulness to despair to relief to anger, regardless she has hung in there to do everything she can to give her son a chance at college and at life.
Violet’s words of wisdom to us, when Vinnie tried to tell her how she should behave, were “You can’t work my program.” Thanks Violet, I have since used this line successfully on my son.
Alice and Ralph have two sons, Norton and Ed. Their younger son Ed has successfully completed his inpatient program and is attending school and running a landscaping business. He attended his 90 meetings in 90 days and Ralph and Alice have held him strictly to his contract. Now that Ed has his driver’s license he has a driving contract. Ed has pushed a few boundaries but as of the last time we met he has accepted the consequences and has dealt with them for any violations.
Ralph noted that you do not need to have all of the consequences spelled out in the contract. In fact in some cases it makes sense to deal with the consequences depending on the seriousness of the infraction or even to have your teen wait and contemplate what the consequence will be for a few hours.
Their older son Norton, as Ralph thought he would, has returned to the state and is willing to accept his consequences which may include jail time for skipping probation.
Unfortunately Norton was an adult when he was charged with his crime so he cannot be helped by the juvenile system. But like with Ed, Ralph and Alice will do what they can to assist Norton but will not cross that line into enabling him.
Candy and Aaron have a 19 year old daughter, Tori in recovery. Last summer, even though Tori had already turned 18, they were able to file charges in juvenile court to have her placed into an inpatient recovery program. Without these charges Tori may have lost her life by now.
She has completed her inpatient program and her stay at an out of town halfway house. She has decided to stay in that town and get an apartment with some others in recovery. While this has Candy a bit on edge she realizes that this is not a totally bad thing.
Sometimes they can work their recovery better if our children do not come home. And as we noted above sometimes this is a sign that they have the desire to work their own recovery rather than moving back home and being dependent on mom and dad to support them.
June is a single mom. Her 18 year old son Beaver spent about 16 months in several inpatient recovery programs. He has come home and has worked his recovery as June has worked hers. She too has gone through all of the feelings of recovery and all of the stages from the “Super-Glue” stage of sticking with him 24/7 to the “letting go and trust [a little] stage to the “Darn it, I am not a failure of a Mom!” stage.
June you are far from a failure – you are a PSST Strong Mom and have saved your son’s life.
Jane is not a single mom but had to drag her husband George protesting into their son’s recovery. Jane [the second of PSST’s “Charlie’s Angels”] stood up in court to have her son Elroy placed into an inpatient program for his recovery. While he was in his recovery program she worked on her own recovery as well.
Elroy completed his inpatient program and has returned home. Jane tried to set up help for Elroy but all she got back was anger, resentment and blame directed at her. Elroy is on house arrest for underage alcohol use.
At the last meeting that Jane attended she said she was going to let Elroy work on his recovery and planned to spend more time on her younger son and on herself and getting rid of her negative feelings.
Becky and Tom’s 16 year old son Syd completed his inpatient program and returned home. He has done pretty well but Becky and Tom were disappointed that their school system insisted on Syd returning back to the high school. Becky says that the best thing for him in his recovery is his job.
Kitty has two sons in recovery, Carlyle is 18 and Cat who is 22. Kitty is in waiting mode. Carlyle completed his inpatient recovery and did okay when he first returned home. He was dismissed unsuccessfully from his outpatient program and is violation of his probation. Kitty is waiting for his hearing to see what steps she will take.
Kitty asked us, like a lot of us have wondered, how can you tell what typical teenage behavior is as opposed to ADHD behavior or as opposed to addictive behavior? The best I can answer is to trust your feelings, especially moms [there I go being chauvinistic again]. We sometimes want our teen’s recovery more than they do and often over- rationalizes their behavior. If you have an answer for Kitty please add it to the comment section below.
As of our last meeting Kitty had asked Carlyle to leave her home if he cannot follow her rules. Her older son Cat was home and, following a talk, is doing better than his younger brother.
Joan is a single mom. Her 19 year old daughter Melissa has walked away from / been asked to leave a number of recovery programs in the last few years. Joan has refused her permission to come home but Melissa has found her way in on several occasions. This led to Joan filing charges. Melissa is waiting for her next program.
Joan reminded us that we all need to work on ourselves, including therapy. Do not allow your child to isolate you from living your own life and your family friends.
Rose is a single mom of Joe, 18, who drug choice is Robo-tripping (DXM). He has recently graduated high school [he completed his required classes in his recovery program but got to walk at his own school] and has successfully released from his inpatient program.
Joe’s dad Manny recently returned into Joe’s life and asked him to come to work with him out of state. This was a major red flag to Rose who noted that although Manny is doing well now he has had issues in his past. On the other hand Manny is in recovery and it takes Joe away from his people, places and things. But it also takes him totally away from her and her ability to observe how he is doing.
After a lot of talking and a lot of soul searching it was decided that Joe should go with his dad and start a new life and a new job. As of our last meeting Joe was doing well and Rose was leaving to visit him. Keep us posted Rose.
Cheryl and Jim’s son Andy has almost 11 months of clean time. He completed his inpatient program but Cheryl and Jim knew that he was not ready to return home so Andy is in a halfway house. Many times this is a better choice than our teens returning back to their people, places and things. The halfway houses offer recovery assistance and can prepare our children to start a new life on their own with a job and a place to live.
Cheryl and Jim let Andy know that they were not comfortable with him coming home. This is tough decision for any parent to make but these are the things we learn how to do at PSST. They sent a very clear message to him that they are serious about his recovery.
UPDATE: SEE "PROOF THAT PSST PARENTS HAVE STRENGTH AND A SENSE OF HUMOR"
Jennifer and Jonathan's 17 year old son Maxwell also “just began” using marijuana around age 14. In addition to his drug abuse issues Maxwell exhibited anger management concerns. Often our teen’s addictive behavior manifest itself in anger directed at their mom.
Maxwell was unsuccessful at his outpatient recovery program and is now in an inpatient recovery program.
Jennifer has expressed her concern about him relapsing when he completes his program. This is a very real concern. Relapse happens. Relapse is not failure if the addict returns for treatment. One of the advantages of having your son or daughter on probation is that “the use of any mind altering drug” is a violation and they can be “placed” back into a recovery program.
As many of us have found it sometimes takes multiple relapses and recovery programs before your child will accept and begin working their recovery in earnest. The key to helping them is to stay consistently strong and sure that there will be no use of drugs, alcohol or “any mind altering substances” illegal or legal, by anyone in your home.
We once had a mom [who will remain anonymous], attending one of her early PSST meetings, who found her child in recovery drunk and asked if she should report it. She received a resounding “YES” from the rest of us at the meeting.
Addictive behavior pushes family relations to the maximum limits. It takes some time before parents realize that logic and common sense don't work. They need to understand that addictive behavior causes tunnel vision. The ONLY thing an addict can consistently focus on is where I can find my next high. It does not mean that the addict doesn't love their parents, care about their family or even that they don't understand that they are making the wrong choice. Their addiction will insist that they need to do whatever they need to do to feed their addiction, and then they can get back to all that family stuff.
Until your adolescent’s mind is clean they cannot resolve any other issues that they might have including low self esteem, ADHD, depression and anger management.
Please Note: Remember to be careful if your teen exhibits aggression towards anyone and DO NOT HESITATE to leave the house and / or call 9-1-1 [for an officer to ‘Keep the Peace’].
Jessica and Roger’s 18 year old son Herman completed his second inpatient program and is currently in a halfway house. Jessica [the third member of the “PSST Charlie’s Angels”] has run through the whole bank of emotions with Herman – confusion to anger to hopeful to trusting to happy to doubt to reality stinks to untrusting to anger to confusion. Our teen addicts can do this to us – sometimes in one day.
She and Roger are concerned that Herman’s consent decree runs out by September, that Herman has not bought into his recovery program, that he won’t accept their rules and that he spent too much time on his last home pass in the bathroom [allegedly to get a shower] using something that smelled like bad incense.
Jessica is stepping back and let Roger prepare Herman’s home contract.
Wilma’s 17 year old son Bam-Bam has “just used” marijuana, acid, ecstasy, and mushrooms but insist that he does not have a drug problem. He spent a month in an inpatient recovery program and was deployed home. Wilma had no support from the program or her husband Fred the Enabler.
Since he has been home he has flipped out on his counselor, is breaking curfews, is not going to meetings and is not avoiding places or people that he should be. As Wilma said he is constantly exhibiting “Drug Seeking” behavior.
Brigitte and Francois have three sons. Their oldest son Pierre, 17 spent 3 weeks in an inpatient recovery program. To kick the summer off Pierre relapsed but let his parents know that his younger brother Jacques was also using.
Brigitte and Francois took quick action with Pierre’s relapse and, with the help of his P.O. and his therapist, took control of the situation. Following a short stay at Shuman and a hearing he was placed in another inpatient program for 60 days and is scheduled to come home shortly. He is doing well on his home passes and they are working on Pierre’s Home Contract.
As we have discussed at PSST meetings it is best to have these contracts completed while your teen is still in their recovery program. Their counselor can then evaluate how well they are accepting their recovery by how they work with you on the contract. Whether they are cooperating or if they are acting out it is best for them to do it, while they are in the program.
As for Jacques, 15, Brigitte and Francois acted quickly again and, together with Jacques friend’s parents, set up drug testing and consequences for all of them. They were very brave to confront the other parents and lucky enough to be dealing with other parents that would work with them.
Many of our children express anger and/or depression as we, the parents, take control back in our homes and our families. Much of this is their addiction realizing that we are changing and they are grieving their loss of power over the family. They realize their chances of manipulating their parents into enabling them get less and less as we learn to break our own codependency.
Jenn and Brad’s 18 year son Dylan also started his journey “just using” marijuana. He is currently in an inpatient recovery program and has run though the typical spectrum of behaviors from compliant to angry to showing his real self to showing signs that he is beginning to understand and maybe even accept his recovery.
Remember as much as we parents want our child to accept their recovery process we cannot work it for them. The most we can do by getting them into an inpatient program (either voluntarily or through placement) is to keep them away from the people, places and things that encourage their habits and to buy them clean time.
This last item is more important than many think. Their brain and their body can recover but only with abstinence from mind altering substances. The more time they have clean the more their brain can recover. This is especially important for the adolescent brain which keeps developing until around age 25.
Maria stopped by to let us know that her son Ernie celebrated two years clean. Ernie has done very well following his inpatient recovery program and a stay at a halfway house. He has a full time job, is successfully working his 12 Step program, attending meetings and encouraging other young men.
Unfortunately, despite his success he has cut off most communication with Maria. They do get to meet on occasion and she had had the opportunity to celebrate his 2nd anniversary.
Maria has learned to accept this and get on with her life and she knows that she did the right thing to son’s life.
George and Gracie are veteran PSST Parents. They have a 19 year old son Ronnie who was doing well in his recovery from a heroin addiction the last few years. Recently they sensed that something was going wrong and Ronnie admitted that he was “only using” marijuana.
George and Gracie have strong feelings for their son, as we all do, but they know that they cannot enable him. They had to take strong actions, which were not pleasant but were needed. Tjis included going to a magistrate and writing a dismissal letter, packing his bags and changing locks. Whatever it took to get him out of the house until he was ready to admit himself into a recovery program.
Click on PSST Parents Stand Firm to read the rest of the story.
TO BE CONTINUED - Rocco
Every successful addict requires at least one prime-enabler.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, August 03, 2011
Every successful addict requires at least one prime-enabler. Without at least one PE, the addict has no means to continue to abuse substances at high levels.
When we send our teenagers away to expensive treatment programs, we probably aren't going to see the big changes we want to see until we change ourselves. We have to find a way to stop enabling and then pray that someone else doesn't continue to enable our loved one. Once the enabling stops, the addict usually can't afford to continue using at high levels. Drugs don't grow on trees and even the ones that do actually grow on trees are still expensive.
This is why it's so important that we parents change ourselves while our teenager is in placement or treatment. We must be strong. We must cease all aide if indeed our aide might go to support the enemy: our child's disease of addiction.
If we continue to enable, then chances are good that our son or daughter will return to drug abuse. Now most of us might agree with what I've said so far; however, the devil is in the details. What is enabling? What is just helping? For more on that point put enable or enabling in our search box on this blog.
Here's the rule of thumb on this. Ask yourself if the aide you give could possibly further the disease of addiction? If the answer is "Yes," then consider not giving that aide. Err on the side of caution. Remember that arguing and debating can also aide the disease of addiction by generating resentments and because we can loose debates and arguments and end up giving in to demands.
If your teenager is 18 or over and they continue to abuse drugs, let them go. They will either find another prime-enabler or they will hit their own bottom.
Treatment programs are great and they can be effective; however, if the addict returns to his PE, who may think they've changed a great deal, and he is given a roof over his head, food in the fridge, a cell phone, and maybe even a car to drive, then you have a recipe for disaster.
This is a family disease of denial. The addict is in denial. The family always must guard against denial too. We say to ourselves, "it'll be OK," or "it's not that bad" or "he's not nearly as bad as he used to be." Wake up. He's still using.
Sure, when we can, we work to buy one more clean day for the addict. When our options run out on that strategy, then we have one powerful tool left. Stop enabling. There's more power in that than you'd imagine.
Read More......
The Link Between Mental Illness and Drug Abuse ~ By Lindy Lou
Posted by:Sally--Saturday, July 30, 2011
This article highlights some of the recent research into the link between mental health issues and drug use/abuse. Using brain scans, scientists are able to see more of the physical workings of the brain in connection with drug use and addiction. I was glad to see this article point out that anyone can become addicted to drugs and that the teenage brain is the most vulnerable to a lifetime of addiction. As parents, I think we intuitively know this, but it is good to learn more about the science that backs this up. Click Here to Read Article Lindy Lou
Heroin's Siren Song - Part 1 of 2: Addiction Batters a Thriving Family
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, July 25, 2011
Heroin's Siren Song - Part 1 of 2: Addiction Batters a Thriving Family
One in an occasional series
Sunday, July 24, 2011
By Michael A. Fuoco, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
Copyright ©1997 - 2011 PG Publishing Co., Inc. All Rights Reserved.
"Lucy, 51, of Penn Township, knows all too well that heroin is an equal opportunity destroyer. Race, gender, age, socio-economic status do not matter. And with heroin purity now in the unprecedented range of 80 to 90 percent, use of the drug in the region has skyrocketed to its highest level in history, with users risking careers, families and life itself in search of that next high."
To read the complete Pittsburgh Post Gazette article click on the title above or on the "Read More" below.
The baptism completed, the minister slowly carried the baby around the church for the congregation to see. They cooed. What soft skin, what beautiful eyes, what cute cheeks.
Lucy Garrighan saw that, too, but couldn't keep from fixating on the veins in the baby boy's arms.
Years earlier, before he entered his 20s, her son John's veins were as pristine as this baby's, his future as hopeful as this newborn's. She cried as her mind filled with visions of heroin and syringes and withdrawals and relapses and how John's addiction agony ended in January with a fatal overdose at age 27.
"Oh, God," she prayed at a regular Sunday service where the baptism was held. "Wherever you are, don't let it happen to this innocent one."
Lucy, 51, of Penn Township, knows all too well that heroin is an equal opportunity destroyer. Race, gender, age, socio-economic status do not matter. And with heroin purity now in the unprecedented range of 80 to 90 percent, use of the drug in the region has skyrocketed to its highest level in history, with users risking careers, families and life itself in search of that next high.
John was among them. Eight years of shooting up, cravings, rehab stays, relapses, overdoses, withdrawals, rationalizations and self-loathing culminated with a deadly fix in a locked restroom of Starbucks at Forbes and Shady avenues in Squirrel Hill on Jan. 29. He overdosed on his way to a family gathering, dying the next day at UPMC Presbyterian.
For Lucy, the wound remains raw. At times, she speaks of John in the present tense, as if he'll come through the door any minute. Then she catches herself, and the tears well, her hands shake.
"If someone had told me 10 years ago that my John, who was an honor student, who had a curfew and was home on time and everything else, would be dead at 27 from a heroin overdose, I would have said 'You're out of your mind, you're crazy,' " she said.
"I thought that could never happen to a kid like him or a family like ours."
But heroin's siren song did lure a kid like him and battered a family like hers.
And not once but twice.
•
I had everything in the world in line for a successful, fulfilling life, yet somehow, choice by choice, I decided to get a disease. ... I've run, I've hidden but this demon kept finding me, anywhere and everywhere.
-- From John Garrighan's journal during a rehab stay
•
John was a precocious child. Smart, inquisitive and musical, he learned to play the guitar at 11 and performed in the church band.
At 14 he formed The Berlin Project, a pop-punk band named for a computer hacking program. He was still attending Penn-Trafford High School when the band debuted in 1998 with "Running for the Border," featuring a cover of Snoop Dogg's "Gin and Juice" that became a viral hit through Napster. By the time he was 22, the group had toured nationally and sold tens of thousands of albums.
The family was upper middle class, with a nice home on a cul-de-sac in Penn Township. Lucy and her husband, John, had four children, all seeming to thrive academically and socially. John was the oldest, followed by Abbie (three years younger) Daniel, (another year younger) and the baby of the family, Jamie (16 years younger than John). The couple owned a successful office machine and printing business.
Then Lucy and her husband split up in 2002, leaving her with three teens and a toddler to raise. Six months later, her life was shaken to the core when John, then 19, admitted he was a heroin addict and needed help.
"It was like a bomb went off; it was Hiroshima," Lucy said.
Within a year, a heroin overdose in the Garrighan household nearly claimed a life -- Daniel's. Only 17, he had been using for more than a year.
Now, she had two sons whose lives were in peril.
•
Help! Help! Help! Please cure or kill me! ... Please someone tell me I'm cured. I can't keep up this roller coaster. ... Why did I fall in love with a drug, let alone many drugs?
-- John Garrighan's journal
•
Unbeknownst to Lucy, John had been self-medicating his then-undiagnosed bipolar disorder since age 13, using his allowance to buy Tylenol PM so he could sleep. Years later, the self-medication became heroin.
It wasn't the rock 'n' roll life that got John into heroin but college partying, Lucy said. While attending Robert Morris University, where he studied business and psychology, he lived in Oakland with roommates and the drinking and drug-taking -- marijuana, cocaine -- began at age 18.
"One [of his roommates] said to me, 'Mrs. G. we were all partying last night. The thing is John just couldn't stop. He takes it to the extreme.' "
One night, John, while intoxicated, fell down a flight of steps, dislocating his shoulder and knocking out a tooth. A dentist prescribed him the painkiller Vicodin -- in Lucy's view, the beginning of John's end.
"From taking Vicodin he went to crushing and snorting it. And then Vicodin wasn't strong enough, and he goes on to Percocet, and OxyContin."
Like many others, John became addicted to OxyContin, which on the street can cost as much as $80 for a single 80-milligram pill.
Soon, like many OxyContin addicts, John realized it was much cheaper to buy heroin at $10 or less a stamp bag. High purity levels made it possible to snort the heroin for a high, removing the stigma of injecting it. But addiction kicked in so quickly -- and the withdrawal hurt so much -- that soon John was injecting it into a vein, the fastest, most potent drug delivery system.
"I was concerned about his drinking the first six months and then I became suspicious [about drugs]," Lucy said. "It was the look in his eye." She confronted him. John denied it for 15 minutes. And then revealed his painful secret.
Within 24 hours Lucy had him admitted to a 28-day inpatient treatment program. John got clean and remained so -- for two months. He relapsed, the first of so many backward slides.
Lucy was not deterred. She took John on cross-country treks, from one treatment facility to another, from Arizona to Georgia to upstate New York. In all, he was admitted to nine inpatient rehab treatment centers and many outpatient facilities.
"I thought it was an acute illness, that if I spent $35,000 and sent my kid there for 28 days he would be OK. But it's a chronic lifelong disease. You have to be actively involved in recovery your whole life to have a life."
•
The leaves are beautiful auburn, the breeze massages my head and the scent of the season is refreshing ... Not a bad outlook for a dying man. ... Could it be that I'm getting a chance to die all over again? But this time just maybe I'll have a chance to live first.
-- John Garrighan's journal
•
Lucy had invested more than a year's worth of time, money, emotion, prayers and love into John's recovery when she learned she was the mother of two addicted sons. It was the night of Abbie's graduation from Penn-Trafford and most of the family had headed to the ceremony. John, who that day had hooked up his withdrawal-sickened brother with a Hill District heroin dealer, decided to check on Daniel in the family home. He found his brother in his bedroom, blue and without a pulse, and performed CPR until paramedics arrived.
Lucy's life became a cycle of rehab stays for both sons, with alternating periods of hopeful sobriety and demoralizing relapses.
Because many health insurance policies didn't cover substance abuse treatment, Lucy cashed in her 401k and life insurance and refinanced her house to pay the estimated $400,000 needed for rehab stays, psychiatrists, counselors and doctors.
"There is no manual on how to be the mother of a heroin addict," she said. "A lot of times the things I did made it easier for them to use drugs by believing their lies.
"Lying is a symptom of the illness of addiction just like high blood sugar is a symptom of the illness of diabetes. They both could have won Academy Awards for the lies they told.
"If they have to steal from their mother, they will and they have. They will steal from their family. Do they feel guilty? Yes, but they do it because it's the only way they see they can survive."
The longest John was off heroin during those eight years was five months. He suffered about five nonfatal overdoses, including one during which he was rushed to a hospital without a pulse.
"I learned how to take a pulse and respiration so I would know whether he was going into an OD or was just using and sleeping. I had to assess the situation," Lucy said.
"It's exhausting beyond words to cope with this and deal with this and face it, but there is no comparison to the exhaustion of grief of losing a child. There's none."
•
My disease is dormant. ... I must keep it inside of me. God help me if it finds its way out.
-- John Garrighan's journal
•
Lucy wasn't the only one in the Garrighan household affected by John and Daniel's addiction. Abbie, at 18, took on the role as a surrogate parent, supporting Lucy, trying to help the brothers and assisting in the care of her young sister, Jamie.
While earning a degree in business and entrepreneurship at Duquesne University, Abbie, along with her mother, came up with the idea of opening an outpatient substance abuse center, using the brothers' experiences, good and bad, as guideposts. They began developing a business plan in September 2008, and after getting necessary state licensing, opened Jade Wellness Center in Monroeville in 2010, replete with a staff of professional counselors and contracted physicians.
At the time, Daniel had been clean following a lengthy in-patient rehab stint in York, Pa. Now married with a 1-year-old son and studying at the University of Pittsburgh's Greensburg campus to be a drug counselor, he works at Jade, mostly assessing addicts for the level of care they need. Abbie works there as director of operations and Lucy, the founder, serves as president.
"Peace, Harmony, Serenity" reads the sign in the center's waiting area -- the Garrighans' wish for all addicts and those affected by addiction like themselves. Lucy hopes that speaking out about her experiences and those of her sons might help change the public's perception of addiction.
"It's not a lack of moral character, it's not a lack of will power. It's a disease. You don't hate people with diabetes.
"You don't want to be in the club that I've now joined. You don't."
•
"I love life. I can't be of any use to this world dead. ... I want to live. I want to learn. I want to love and be loved. ... I want to be proud of me."
-- John Garrighan's journal
•
As Jade opened, John was spiraling downward. He was clean only a few weeks at a time during his last two years of life. His bipolar disorder cycled more rapidly the older he got. Sometimes he would go three days without sleeping.
When the end came, it was shocking.
Two nights before, he had played Trivial Pursuit with Jamie, who was delightfully astonished that her big brother had correctly answered all 51 questions he had been asked.
The next night, she and John sat at the piano and sang John Lennon's "Imagine."
That final day, he was locked in a bathroom alone, a needle in his arm, dreams spent.
"I'm the ghost that never died," John had written in his rehab journal. "I'm the truth that always lied. I'm the one you know you'll find alone."
Michael A. Fuoco: mfuoco@post-gazette.com
Copyright ©1997 - 2011 PG Publishing Co., Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Go to Part 2 of 2 - Heroin's Siren Song: Son Achieves Stability After Years of Addiction
Heroin's Siren Song - Part 2 of 2: Son Achieves Stability After Years of Addiction
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, July 25, 2011
Heroin's Siren Song - Part 2 of 2: Son Achieves Stability After Years of Addiction
One in an occasional series
Sunday, July 24, 2011
By Michael A. Fuoco, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
Copyright ©1997 - 2011 PG Publishing Co., Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Daniel Garrighan, 23, of Delmont, began injecting heroin when he was 15. His brother, John, 27, likewise a heroin addict, suffered a fatal overdose in January.
After numerous stays in inpatient treatment facilities and subsequent relapses, Daniel has been off heroin for two years. Married and the father of a 1-year-old son, he works as an intake coordinator at Jade Wellness Center in Monroeville, where his mother, Lucy, is founder and president and his sister, Abbie, is director of operations. He also is attending the University of Pittsburgh in Greensburg, studying psychology in hopes of becoming a drug counselor.
Here is his story as told to Post-Gazette reporter Michael A. Fuoco:
To read the complete Pittsburgh Post Gazette article click on the title above or on the "Read More" below.
I was vice president of my junior high school. I was really against smoking cigarettes and drinking. But after eighth grade I started drinking and smoking weed. I decided it was normal for me to drink and smoke weed because that's what kids did.
Cocaine happened pretty quickly after that. Everything progressed very quickly. I went from being in eighth grade and never touching marijuana ... and by the time I was getting out of freshman year I was doing heroin, and by the time I was a sophomore I was shooting dope.
My brother and I used heroin together a good bit at the beginning. We didn't find it in the same route; we both ended up drug addicts by our own means, but we used together.
I snorted it a couple of times. I went intravenous pretty quickly. We're all good at hiding it for an extended period of time, but you only can hide it for so long.
On the day of my older sister Abbie's high school graduation, I was looking to get high. I was starting to get sick, going down, and couldn't find anyone with heroin. My brother gave me a phone number to call. I went down to the city, got drugs, brought them home.
I said I'd meet them at graduation, I'd go with my brother. That was the plan. I shot up, and basically within 30 seconds I fell out. For some reason, John came upstairs. John gave me CPR until paramedics came, I kept falling out, he kept me breathing. When he came up, I was blue, he said.
The next thing I remember is I threw up on a bunch of cops in my room and was being wheeled out. In the ambulance I can remember this paramedic's face, and he said to me it was the seventh time that week they had responded to an overdose and I was the first one he could talk to, the first one who was alive.
What he said wasn't a big deal to me until years later. I think I used [heroin] a day or two later.
It gets to the point pretty quickly that it's not fun anymore. I was using crack every day. I was in a methadone program. I took methadone, heroin, crack, benzos [benzodiazepines like Xanax] and drank.
I'd get up, sometimes I would go to the methadone clinic, sometimes I wouldn't. I wasn't going to work ... you don't have any interpersonal relationships. They don't exist unless they're going to benefit me.
I didn't grow up aspiring to be a thief of any sort, but I definitely would steal to use. I needed leverage, and, for an addict, the family was the best place to get it. They love you, and you use that to your advantage. I knew my family loved me. I have friends who really care about me, and I took advantage of that.
Drugs were a big part of my life; it went on for so long. I got used to it at the time. You probably wouldn't have recognized me. I looked ridiculous.
I went to rehab on May 14, 2009. It was a struggle at the beginning, and I definitely fell down a couple times. While in rehab the last time I ended up using heroin on two separate occasions. After that, I just bought crack and threw it out of the window. I was enmeshed in recovery. It's not fun when you get knowledge in your head and are trying to work a program. That's the worst thing for an addict -- when you have a head full of recovery and you pick up drugs and start thinking straight again and think 'What the hell is going on?' You're starting to realize what the hell you're doing again.
I was on medication for a long time when I got clean. I was on Suboxone [a narcotic prescription medication used to treat opiate addiction]. I got off of that in January.
A lot of different things contributed to getting sober. I definitely had a family who really cared about me. They gave me all the opportunities in [the] world, and they still do. I had a support group in place a lot of people don't have.
Finally, I wanted [sobriety] the last time I went to treatment. I definitely didn't go to treatment [previously] wanting it at all. I was going to treatment to get a couple days under my belt so my tolerance would go down so I could continue getting high. My family made it possible for me to be in a residential facility in York, Pa., for 70 some days and to stick around York [as an outpatient] for six months.
Some days the only thing I do right is to not have a drug and to not have a drink. I get stressed out; sometimes I don't treat people the way I should. Some days are better than others, of course, but generally speaking, recovery is not just getting through every day not using and not drinking because there are other behaviors I'm still doing that I'm not proud of.
Obviously, this job at the clinic seems ideal. It keeps me accountable. I don't find myself unique in any way. I don't think I'm any different from anyone else. I see myself in everyone dealing with this.
When people come in, I see that I could be there in an instant. It definitely makes me realize I could be back there so quickly. If I don't do what I need to, you can come in here next time and I'd be a completely different person. That helps me dramatically.
I love when I see people grasp the program. You're going to see successes, failures.
I can wake up now and eat a bowl of cereal in the morning and take a shower, and I don't have to do anything else. On Sundays, I make coffee and sometimes sit for four hours. There was never a point before where I was even eligible to do that; I always had a priority [of getting drugs].
My life now, my son and my wife, definitely keep me going. They keep me watching myself. Putting a child in place ... if I can't stay sober for myself, I think about him. He's my lifeline. There's nothing I do on a daily basis that I don't think of him first before I do it. I don't even drive over the speed limit.
I don't go to parties, I don't have alcohol at my house. There's a lot I need to do because my behavior in the past wasn't behavior I can continue doing.
I'm really happy. I have everything in place that I need. There's nothing I can think of right now that I need. I have more than I need. There's nothing I even want.
Copyright ©1997 - 2011 PG Publishing Co., Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Go to Part 1 of 2 - Heroin's Siren Song - Addiction Batters a Thriving Family
In Sympathy ~ Mary (Hackett) Challburg
Posted by:Sally--Thursday, July 21, 2011
We are saddened to announce that Mary (Hackett) Challburg; a long-standing attendee of the PSST meetings has passed away. She gave hope and encouragement to many parents and she wrote on the PSST blog.
We will miss you, Mary.
May you rest in peace.
In Appreciation of Mary's Life and Her Contributions to Us...
We have Included this Song Click Here
MARY (HACKETT) CHALLBURG
Age 48, of Mount Lebanon, on Tuesday evening, July 19, 2011.
Loving mother of Eric, Alexa and Jennifer Challburg; daughter of the late Patricia Hackett and Daniel A.; cherished sister of Jean (Tom) Dugan, Cathy (Jeff) Kennedy, Dan (Joah) Hackett, Janet (Joseph) King, Tricia (Bob) Stocker and the late John P. Hackett; also survived by her husband Scott; and 21 nieces and nephews.
Mary graduated from the University of Pittsburgh with a Bachelor of Science degree in Social Work. She was employed as a social worker and therapist with Wesley Spectrum Services.
Friends will be welcomed at LAUGHLIN MEMORIAL CHAPEL, 222 Washington Road, Mt. Lebanon Friday 1-4 and 6-9 p.m. Mass of Christian Burial will be celebrated in Saint Bernard Church, Saturday morning at 10 o'clock. Interment Queen of Heaven Cemetery.
If desired, memorials may be made to Wesley Spectrum Services, 221 Penn Ave., Wilkinsburg, PA 15221.
www.laughlinfuneralhome.com
Send condolences at post-gazette.com/
Click Here to Link to Mary's Post - A Mother's Letter to the Disease
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Grounding the Helicopter Parents! ~ Written By Cheryl
Posted by:Sally--Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Grounding the Helicopter Parents! ~ Written By Cheryl
Parents and children are naturally inside of one hula-hoop from beginning to end. An unbroken circle of love, trust, loyalty and honesty.
How do you step out of your son’s hula-hoop, at the advice of career specialists in dual disorders, when normal human parental instinct, from their first prenatal kick says “I will be there for you, unconditionally, in the good times and the bad?”But this is our child, it is our job to raise him, guide him, instill morals, good work ethics and character and, most importantly, love him until our last breath
How do you process the information on your sons recent, multiple, E.R. visits who has been in placement for 12 months?
But we have been there for his broken nose at age 3, first bee sting, first tooth loss, multiple strep infections, broken arm, Western Psychiatric Adolescent Unit admission and annual wellness check-ups. We have recorded every pound our four sons have gained, every inch they grew from birth to 17.
How do you step back and listen to counselors, doctors, placement staff, and probation officers who seem to know your child better than you do?
But this is our sacred space! How did all these people get into our hula-hoop?
How do you rationally explain to an eighteen year old that his parents will no longer financially support him?
But Dad and Mom have always been there to supply the most basic needs in life; shelter, clothing, food and, yes, many wonderful extras. It’s their responsibility, right? However, to supply funds means supplying an alcohol and drug habit that is a non-negotiable line item.
How do you tell your eighteen year old child that he may no longer live in the home with his parents, siblings and pets?
But it is our job as parents to provide for our children…..
Many long, agonizing, years of behavior disorders, substance abuse and lies had us hovering over our child with each step he took, every decision he made; home, school and legal repercussions. We have spent hours driving to and from family counseling sessions, out-patient facilities, court rooms, detention centers and in-patient facilities so our son would not feel forgotten or un-loved.
We are attempting to ground our helicopter instincts, although today the blades are whirling after yet another “I’m leaving this facility, I don’t care if I go back to Shuman” phone call last evening.
Our hula-hoop now contains our other three sons with an additional small hula-hoop for our dual-disorder child. We will always visit and help guide his life decisions regarding mental and physical health, living conditions and work; but he needs to have a separate hula-hoop from the rest of our immediate family until he can manage his disorders and life; less the legal systems involvement.
Coming to terms with re-inventing our family in order to protect the health and well being of the rest of us is a difficult mournful process. Our helicopter still has a full tank of fuel but for today…the skies are too threatening to take off…
Cheryl, Jim & Andy
Beaver's in the Driver's Seat - written by June
Posted by:Jenn--Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Upon reflection of my recent behavior at home, I have realized something. As a single mom, I have been having an extremely hard time letting Beaver "figure it out". "June, why are you beating yourself up [again]?" I asked myself, tapping my high heels and twirling my pearls. It finally dawned on me that if I let Beaver do something that caused him to perhaps fall flat on his face, that I would be pegged as a failure at being a Mom.
Beaver has not been at home very much the last couple of years due to placement(s) in various rehab facilities. The fact that he is now home, working, and 18 [wahoo], with a dual diagnosis [another wahoo] has made the protective mother bear in me very prevalent. I do not want to see my son fail, no way—no how.
"June, pull your head out of your behind," I said to myself. Side note - I am pondering whether I should permanently dye my hair brown, because of where it seems to be residing much of the time. Anyway……when I finally identified the reasons why I am feeling the way I do, it was a huge weight off my shoulders. And, it also helped me realize why I always feel the tears coming when I talk about this. My feeling of being a failure [which I’m not] leads to feelings of sadness [which is just plain stupid]. I got hold of my big girl pants and gave a mighty upward tug. YAHOO! I am not a failure—I am helping Beaver become an adult who can make positive decisions, learn from mistakes, and not fall apart in the interim.
