Upon reflection of my recent behavior at home, I have realized something. As a single mom, I have been having an extremely hard time letting Beaver "figure it out". "June, why are you beating yourself up [again]?" I asked myself, tapping my high heels and twirling my pearls. It finally dawned on me that if I let Beaver do something that caused him to perhaps fall flat on his face, that I would be pegged as a failure at being a Mom.
Beaver has not been at home very much the last couple of years due to placement(s) in various rehab facilities. The fact that he is now home, working, and 18 [wahoo], with a dual diagnosis [another wahoo] has made the protective mother bear in me very prevalent. I do not want to see my son fail, no way—no how.
"June, pull your head out of your behind," I said to myself. Side note - I am pondering whether I should permanently dye my hair brown, because of where it seems to be residing much of the time. Anyway……when I finally identified the reasons why I am feeling the way I do, it was a huge weight off my shoulders. And, it also helped me realize why I always feel the tears coming when I talk about this. My feeling of being a failure [which I’m not] leads to feelings of sadness [which is just plain stupid]. I got hold of my big girl pants and gave a mighty upward tug. YAHOO! I am not a failure—I am helping Beaver become an adult who can make positive decisions, learn from mistakes, and not fall apart in the interim.
Beaver's in the Driver's Seat - written by June
Posted by:Jenn--Tuesday, July 19, 2011
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2 comments:
June - are you sure you haven't invaded my head? What you have written, what you are feeling, is something I have been wrestling with the last few years. It is an inevitable topic of my private therapy. I am for sure getting better at stepping back and keeping my pie-hole shut. But the same feelings of failure always comes back to haunt me. David and Michael are adopted, which added more fuel to this fire. I work very hard on this aspect of myself, and it isn't easy. However, since you aren't me, I can say with conviction, you are not a failure - The Beav is where he is today BECAUSE of you, not in spite of you!
June,
Thank you for another well-written and thoughtful topic. My husband and I often have the same thoughts. Because most of our family and friends are not embroiled in the dramas we have going on, we have a tendency to beat ourselves up with guilt and regrets. Even so, we learned a long time ago not to compare our "insides" with other families' "outsides". In other words, comparing our intimate family dynamics to the less realistic picture that most families share with the world can make us feel as if we are the only ones going through these struggles. In reality, we don't really know what goes on in most families behind closed doors. It may not be drugs, but every family has struggles and disappointments.
It's apparent that you love your son and you are his biggest supporter. You definitely are not a failure. A failure would have given up or given in a long time ago!
Brigitte
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