Over the years we have collected/shared hard-won information, skills, and techniques a parent needs to help a teenager with a drug problem save his own life. (CLICK ON THE LOGO ABOVE to return to the home-page for this blog.)
Why We Are Here and Disclaimer
Welcome First Time Visitors! (Click Rainbow)
UPCOMING MEETINGS **** PSST meetings will be discontinued for the next several months. Once we have determined a re-start date for the meetings, we will post that information on this website. ****
Check the calendar on the right for the date and location of our next Saturday morning meeting. Meetings are held from 9-11:30am. The first Saturday of the month we meet at the Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg; the second Saturday is at Trinity Lutheran Church in Wexford; and the third Saturday is at Sts Simon and Jude School in Greentree.
We always hope to see new parents in attendance. If you've been thinking about coming to one of our meetings, why not make this the one?
Please click on thumbnail maps below for directions.
After an adventurous and fast-paced ride to town Sally and her friends were glad to disembark out of Kathie T's Green Cadillac to meet up with Rocco and his extended family at the Awards Ceremony.
The evening was one that left a lasting impression on both Rocco and Sally.
It was a pleasure to meet the Juvenile Court Judges and in particular, Judge Dwayne Woodruff (yes, from the 70's Super Steelers!).
Judge Woodruff gave an inspirational speech about not letting anyone discourage you from reaching your goals.
Sally enjoyed seeing the young winners of the Essay Contest advance on stage for their awards.
Rocco agrees that it was encouraging to see youth that may have 'made a bad choice' think about their actions and put it down in writing.
Equally encouraging was the winner of the Dennis Maloney Award; Traci Stiger. This Registered Nurse worked very hard to develop a program to teach troubled youth to be EMT's. She spends many hours instructing them. We got to see her first graduate of the program.
THIS is the STUFF that MAKES a DIFFERENCE!
What an evening. Then "Parents of the Year", Sally and Rocco received a most beautiful plaque.
Below is Sally's acceptance speech followed by Rocco's acceptance speech.
SALLY'S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
Thank you so very much for this award. It strengthens me and encourages me to continue my fight against enabling.
A year and a half ago, our son was in a horrible addiction. My husband and I tried everything but his addiction only got worse. We felt helpless and very much alone but we kept on praying.
Our son had a car accident which got him involved with the juvenile court system and with a probation officer.
We discovered that getting into the system and having Val Ketter and Lloyd Woodward and Cathy Culbert and Kathie Tagmyer to help us was the answer to our prayers.
Our son is much better than he was at the time of the accident and continues to work on his recovery.
The Parent Survival Skills Training meetings empower me.
There is nothing better than talking with other parents who have the same issues and know first-hand what you are going through.
Each PSST parent has wisdom and sound advice and so much compassion. I wish each one of them could be honored with this award.
For addiction is strong, but together we are so much stronger.
If my mother-in-law were alive today, October 6, 2010... she would be celebrating her 90th birthday.
It is fitting that her son should receive this honor on her birthday for she trained him well.
He is an awesome father.
Thank you all. Thank you very much.
ROCCO'S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
"By helping others succeed, we help ourselves succeed. Whatever good we give will complete the circle and will come back to us."
One time my company enrolled me in an intensive and comprehensive driving course so that I could transport company personnel. One of our first lessons was to learn to “un-learn” some of our driving skills.
This took some of us out of our comfort zone, especially when they explained Rule #1: “If you determine that there is no way to avoid crashing your vehicle then save yourself first and worry about your passengers later.”
We all felt a little uncomfortable with that. We all had that time-honored ideal instilled in us of sacrificing ourselves to keep others out of harm’s way.
But they made it clear that, as the driver, you are the most important person in that vehicle. You are responsible for keeping as much control of the vehicle as possible. If you are incapacitated, then your vehicle is out of control; so now all of your passengers are in extreme danger.
Looking back over the past few years we can see now that we needed to learn to “un-learn” some of our parenting skills and to try something a lot less comfortable. We, the parents, are responsible to keep control of our family. Otherwise our family is in extreme danger.
We attended our first Parent Survival Skills Training Meeting in early 2007. And quite frankly we were totally overwhelmed. Parents there were talking about their teens using not just marijuana and alcohol but crack cocaine and heroin. Their teens were stealing and dealing to support their habits and refusing therapy. They were being pulled into court and they were running away from treatment facilities.
We couldn’t picture our 15 year old son doing anything like that.
Sure his grades were falling fast, he was a discipline problem at school and at home and he was distancing himself from our family. We suspected that he had tried marijuana, probably some alcohol and we knew that at 15 he was able to pick-up packs of cigarettes whenever he wanted them.
But like so many enabling parents we couldn’t picture our son doing anything like that.
It's not like we stuck our heads in the sand. We accepted that he had problems. We found counselors, psychiatrists, tutors, and advocates to get advice on how to help him. We were on a first name basis with principles, vice-principles and school counselors. We started our run through the "rat-in-the-maze" world of health insurance for behavioral therapy. We spent 1000’s of dollars.
What we got in return from our son was "I don't care."
We didn't understand at the time that this is an addict’s most effective weapon against an unprepared parent but we did come to realize that he really meant it.
Our son, the addict, really didn’t care.
After two years of counseling and chaos, two overdoses and a couple of visits from the police we were not sure what options we had left. We were drained emotionally, mentally, physically and financially and, guess what, our son still didn't care.
In May 2009 we finally came back to attend our second PSST meeting for advice on how to get him whatever help that was left. Since that meeting we have, at least for now, saved our son's life and, just as importantly, we have saved our own lives, our marriage and brought order back into our home. As my wife recognized a while back “We always were good parents. We just weren’t good parents of a teenage addict.”
PSST pointed us in the right direction, helped us to get our addicted son into the system and to get the care that he needed. We got to meet other parents, just like us, who assured us that we were not crazy. They were not there to judge us, they were there to do what they could to help us. One defining moment for me came at our 2nd or 3rd meeting when another parent turned to my wife and said “See, you can laugh again.”
I want to give a heartfelt thank you to our PSST Pro’s; Val Ketter and Lloyd Woodward from the Allegheny County Probation Office and Cathy Culbert and Kathie Tagmyer from Wesley Spectrum. They continue to demonstrate to parents that the Allegheny County Juvenile Court and Probation System do work for us parents and for our children.
We would also like to extend our sincere appreciation to all of our fellow PSST Parents who have listened, encouraged and passed on their wisdom to us along with some serious hugs when needed.
PSST is a special place for parents - it allows us to strengthen ourselves mentally, spiritually and physically so that we can take back the power and control in our homes and our lives.
We would like to thank the Allegheny County Juvenile Court, and in particular Hearing Officer Robert Banos, who has worked with us in helping our son get the help he needs. Our son has achieved around 13 months of clean time in the last 16 months and is still working at it. He has also earned his G.E.D. Diploma. I even think he is starting to care.
We sincerely appreciate this recognition of our efforts to reach out to other parents and young addicts and to show them that there is help and that there is hope and that the Allegheny County Juvenile System really does work.
By helping them succeed, we are helping ourselves succeed. Thank you.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, October 07, 2010
Kathie Tagmyer from Wesley Spectrum Family Counseling gave a brief introduction to Rocco and Sally. Then, in eloquent dual acceptance speeches, Sally and Rocco humbly accepted Allegheny County Parent of the Year 2010. Sally spoke first making the shorter of the two speeches. Then Rocco took over with a moving summary that included key moments of their story.
Sally began by stating that she is engaged in a personal fight against Enabling. Sally seem to take Rocco by surprise when she commented that he is an awsome father. She also mentioned that she wished that every PSST parent could win the award because they all deserved it.
Next it was Rocco's turn. "When we came to PSST we found out that we were good parents; just not good parents for an addict." He also used the analogy of when he took driving classes for work and was taught that the driver is the most important person in the car. If he doesn't take care of himself first, he can't of much use to his passengers. His point was clear that if parents don't take care of themselves they will be no use to their children.
Rocco also reported that he and Sally were on first name basis with School Principals and that they sought help from therapists but that no matter what they did Cisco still would say, "I don't care." Finally, the Parents began attending PSST, Juvenile Probation processed criminal behavior for Cisco and he was placed in a drug rehab, Rocco felt like their sanity could be saved, that Cisco might be saved, and that their marriage could be put back on solid ground." At one point Rocco got a bit choked up and this only added to the strong impact that their message had on the audience. As one of the administrators at Juvenile Court commented afterwards, "Parent-of-the Year award was the highlight of the night."
Not only did Rocco and Sally easily deserve this award, but their participation in last nights Awards ceremony was good recognition to highlighted how important and effective PSST can be for parents.
Both Sally and Rocco, thanked Valerie Ketter, Supervisor of the D&A Unit, Lloyd Woodward, Probation Officer, Cathy Culbert and Kathie Tagmyer from Wesley Spectrum. They also sent a big thanks out to all the Parents from PSST who had helped them the last several years. They were also grateful for their extended families many of whom were present in the audience cheering for Rocco and Sally.
Perhaps Rocco and Sally would post their there complete acceptance speeches here on our blog! Hurray for Sally, Rocco, and for Cisco (without whom none of this would be possible.)
Stay tuned for more pictures. I only have a few pictures in my camera but I know that there were lots of pictures taken, so when I come across more pictures I will post.
When was the last time you paid 50 bucks for a few grams of incense and they assured you it will be mailed discreetly?
They're only in for the money and they don't care.
Look for Signs of K2 -- 'Fake Marijuana'
Anthony Scalzo, M.D., professor of toxicology at Saint Louis University, has seen nearly 30 cases involving teenagers who were experiencing hallucinations, severe agitation, elevated heart rate and blood pressure, vomiting and, in some cases, tremors and seizures. All of these teens had smoked a dangerous, yet legal substance known as K2 or "fake weed."
Parents should be on the lookout for warning signs such as agitation, pale appearance, anxiety or confusion due to hallucinations. So if you’re a parent, be on the lookout.
"Look for dried herb residues lying around your kids' room. Chances are they are not using potpourri to make their rooms smell better or oregano to put on their pizza," Scalzo said. – Science Daily - Mar. 3, 2010
What is K2? Where is K2 Sold?
K-2 UPDATE:As of Nov 24 The United States Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) is using its emergency scheduling authority to temporarily control five chemicals (JWH-018, JWH-073, JWH-200, CP-47,497, and cannabicyclohexanol) used to make “fake pot” products.
This action will make possessing and selling these chemicals or the products that contain them illegal in the U.S. for at least one year. Click on: "The Good, The Bad and the Not So Bright"
Sold as incense or "K2 herbal smoke" the drug K2 is known as a legal alternative to marijuana.
K2's key ingredients were invented by Dr. John Huffman at Clemson University in 1995 during medical research on the effects of cannabinoids on the brain. He found no medical benefits -- only negative side effects.
K2 Spice products' advertisements are often colorful and target children and young people who are particularly at-risk of being taking advantage of. Images of religious figures such as Jesus, Mary and Buddha smoking are often featured on the websites advertising the K2 Spice products.
Spice products are often sold as incense and advertised online as either as 'mystical incense'; or 'the perfect stuff for chilling out at home with friends' along with perfumes, cosmetics and fragrances for the house. Sometimes they are labeled not for 'human consumption', or 'not suitable for under the age of 18.
Because of their packaging, which also looks like 'incense' or 'tea', and their scented smell, Spice products are far less noticeable as drugs since the drug is not easily identified by parents.
What is known about K2?
K2 a.k.a. "Spice," "Genie," or "Zohai" are the best know brand names for synthetic cannabis, a herbal and chemical product which mimics the effects of marijuana. It is around four to ten times more potent than marijuana. Increased agitation, panic attacks and vomiting have been noted with this drug use, and the US army has banned its use by soldiers.
When synthetic cannabis products first went on sale it was thought that they achieved an effect through a mixture of legal herbs.
Laboratory analysis in 2008 showed this was not the case and that they in fact contained synthetic cannabinoids. These act on the body in a similar way to cannabinoids naturally found in cannabis, such as THC. Synthetic cannabinoids are used in an attempt to avoid the laws which make cannabis illegal.
Professor Huffman who first synthesised many of the cannabinoids used in synthetic cannabis is quoted as saying, "People who use it are idiots. You don't know what it's going to do to you."
One of the greatest dangers involved in buying K2 stems from the fact that it's an unregulated mixture of who knows what.
In a statement, Dr. Huffman said the chemicals were not intended for human use. He added that his lab had developed them for research purposes only, and that “their effects in humans have not been studied and they could very well have toxic effects.”
It is sold under various brand names, online, in head shops, in smoke shops and gas stations.
It is marketed as an incense or "herbal smoking blend", but the products are usually smoked by users. Because it is not intended for consumption, there are no age limits on buying K2 or "Spice K2" and it is being purchased by everyone from teenagers to aging hippies.
It is generally smoked with the same kind of smoking accessories used for non-legal products, and the cost of K2 is generally $30 to $40 per pack thanks to interest in this new drug.
In a story in the Philadelphia Inquirer Chris Goldstein, spokesman for the Philadelphia Chapter for the National Organization to Reform Marijuana Laws (NORML), warns that nobody really knows what is included in each packet of incense. Because it is not regulated by the FDA or DEA it can be sold as a "proprietary blend" and not list ingredients on the package.
"I would not recommend anyone touching this stuff," Goldstein said. "Samples have come back testing positive for formaldehyde, vitamin E and acetone. At least with real marijuana you can tell if it's tainted by looking at it.
"This stuff is like setting a plastic spoon on fire and inhaling."
Though packets of the incense are typically marked "not for human consumption," they are sold with a "wink and a nod," said Barbara Carreno, a spokeswoman for the federal Drug Enforcement Administration.
"When was the last time you paid 50 bucks for a few grams of incense and they assured you it will be mailed discreetly?" Carreno said. "The manufacturers and distributors, they're only in for the money and they don't care."
Although synthetic cannabis does not produce positive results in drug tests for cannabis, it is possible to detect its metabolites in human urine.
The synthetic cannabinoids contained in synthetic cannabis products have been made illegal in many European countries, but remain legal under federal law in the USA and Canada. Several US states have made it illegal under state law.
Other Names Herbal products containing synthetic cannabinoids have included Spice Gold, Spice Silver, Spice Diamond, Yucatan Fire, Sence, Chill X, Smoke, Genie, Algerian Blend and many others. These products may already be obsolete, since the Internet market is rapidly evolving.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, October 02, 2010
It came as no surprise that Sally and Rocco have been selected to win the Allegheny County Parent-of-the Year Award. Their hard work with their son Cisco, as writers and editors of the Parent Survival Skills Training blog, and some really exciting volunteer work that Sally does with female addicts put them in a class of their own this year. Still, after the meeting, Sally commented, "I just wish that each of the parents at PSST could win this award because I think we all deserve it!
Sally and Rocco will receive this prestigious award on 10-6-10, this Wednesday, at 550 Fifth Ave., (old county jail-second floor waiting room). It is scheduled from between 6:00 PM and 8:00 PM. Why not come down and clap for Sally and Rocco and catch their acceptance speech?
I have reprinted practically the whole of the nomination, minus some real names: the challenging part was really limiting this to 250 words. When it comes to Sally and Rocco I could go on and on.
Reason for Nomination (no more than 250 words):
Both Mr. & Mrs. (Rocco and Sally) have been tirelessly involved in efforts to intervene in the life of their teenage son who experienced serious drug abuse and a number of MH issues. By working as a team they have helped their son effect a positive change in his life.
1. Both Rocco and Sally attend Parent Survival Skills Training regularly. They actively participate, encourage and support others.
2. Both Parents took steps to cease enabling and they began to work with Probation to hold their son accountable.
3. Both Rocco and Sally worked closely with Wesley-Spectrum Family Therapist, Cathy Culbert. They had the courage to take a good look at their own roles in parenting. When they saw something they could improve- they did.
4. Rocco and Sally both act as Parent Editors of the PSST blog. They use pen names to share their ongoing story about Cisco and they edit other parent’s stories and publish them to the blog. (www.gopsst.org)
5. Sally also volunteers to help others in their fight against the disease of addiction: she started knitting groups with female addicts in treatment programs.
Currently, Rocco and Sally are visiting their son in his third inpatient drug treatment program. He is so far succeeding at a local adult treatment program. The steps that Rocco and Sally took to stop enabling have helped Cisco decide to get better. While they are waiting for the “miracle” to happen they continue to help others through their involvement in PSST and various volunteer activities.
There was another nice turn-out for the Oct 2 PSST Meeting in Wilkinsburg with a good mix of new, regular and some returning veteran PSST Parents joining us.
Our PSST Pros, Val and Lloyd from Allegheny County Probation and our resident Wesley Spectrum Family Therapists Kathie and Jocelyn led the meeting with 12 parents representing 9 families.
Lloyd announced that PSST Parents Sally and Rocco have been selected to win the Allegheny County Parent-of-the Year Award. This announcement came with a beautiful congratulatory cake with Vanilla Mousse inside – YUMMY!
Read more about Sally and Rocco to receive award here:
Thank You to all of our PSST Friends
Sally and I want to give a heartfelt thank you to our PSST Pro’s; Val, Lloyd, Cathy C, Kathie T and Jocelyn. They continue to stick with us to assist, advise and support us in our effort to get our son Cisco get the help that he needs in his recovery.
We would also like to extend our appreciation to all of the PSST Parents, Past and Present, who have listened, empathized, encouraged and passed on some of their wisdom to Sally and me (and given us some serious hugs as needed).
PSST is a special place for us parents that allow us to strengthen ourselves mentally, spiritually and physically so that we can take back the power and control in our homes and our lives. PSST provides the tools we need to help our teens save their lives.
"By helping others succeed, we help ourselves succeed. Whatever good we give will complete the circle and will come back to us."
Meeting Summary After the opening announcements everyone had a chance to introduce themselves and tell as little or as much as they wished to tell about their teenager/parental relationship. There was a storehouse of information and knowledge and wisdom and some tears and laughter exchanged.
- We had a veteran PSST mom with a daughter in recovery. Her daughter is now in the U.S. Navy and is stationed overseas in a country without a minimum drinking age. This of course triggers old feelings and alarms for her. Yes parents have triggers too. We need to continue to work at phasing them out of our lives. The mom reported that they are both doing well at this time.
- The second mom (June on the blog) is dealing with her son who is nearing the end of an inpatient program and will then move into a halfway house before coming home. She is satisfied with his progress but naturally concerned about this next phase in his recovery. - Another mom’s son has been clean for several years but has recently relapsed. She is feeling bad because of his relapse, his consequences and because he continues to blame her for his problems. This is tough on all of us parents of addicts. We often question ourselves and wonder what we might have done differently. After a few years of clean time it must be even tougher. Please keep coming to our PSST meetings and let us support you through this.
- Our next mom had her 15 year old son involuntarily placed into an inpatient recovery program 2 weeks ago under ACT 53. She had a rough visit with him last week. He kept telling her that it was her fault and that she did nothing to help him and she had to turn him over to someone else. After arguing and trying to explain things to him she finally agreed with him that she could not do anything more for him by herself. She said he immediately quieted down and the last ten minutes of the visit went well. As she noted “If I had only thought of agreeing earlier it would have been a much nicer visit.” Parents of addicts tend to waste a lot of time trying to explain how things really are, defend their plan or justify their actions. They feel that if they continue to “discuss” the issue long enough that their child will get the point. Unfortunately the addicted teen usually is not interested and tends to hear only “I blah, blah, blahed. You blah, blah, blahed. So we need blah, blah, blah.”
Try your best not to get pulled down this emotional rabbit hole. Come to our meetings and learn how to 'Find little things to agree with’ followed by 'Never-the-less' statements and 'Fly above the Chaos'.
- The next mom has a son who has just entered into a halfway house last week and is also naturally concerned about this next phase in his recovery. She is handling it well and challenged him to make the best of it while he is there. She is doing well but having a hard time detaching and not blaming herself. It is not an easy thing to do.
- We had a couple (Ralph & Alice on the blog) who’s son, Ed, is scheduled to leave his inpatient placement “soon”. They gave us another good example about being careful about what you say, and how you say it, to your teen. Lloyd gave us a good example of how it is okay to take the blame when the teen misinterprets what you tell them.
The first issue is about their son’s desire to return to his high school. Both Ralph and Alice emphasized, in their own way, "No, you are not returning to your high school." They are looking into alternate schools without the friends and other triggers their son would find returning to his school.
The second issue concerns being manipulated by your teen into discussing how many more days they will be in a recovery program. If you tell them 30 to 60 days they only hear that “Dad told me I will be out in 30 Days!” If you say we might work something out in the next 2 or 3 weeks they will throw “Mom, you lied! You said I would be out of here in 2 weeks!” right back at you.
Lloyd explained that it is okay to admit to them that “Oh man did I say that? I guess I was mistaken. Even so, we will know that the time is right when you are following the program and willing to accept our rules, right?”
- Our next mom has been through the recovery of her older son and is now concerned about her younger son. While she has no proof that her younger teen is using she has red flags or triggers popping up. He is not doing well in school and doesn’t seem to care about anything but his music and his band. This again emphasizes how parents of addicts develop triggers also (I know I have some myself). This is something we will always need to work on and is part of detaching.
REFOCUS VS. DETACH After the meeting, one of our PSST moms mentioned to me that she didn’t like the word “detachment” – it brings up too many thoughts of abandonment. She likes to use the word “REFOCUS” instead. As in “You need to REFOCUS your attention off of the addict and back on your own well being.”
Being a photographer myself I like this phrase. Many times in my pictures I like to have the main subject in clear focus and fade the background. This puts the attention where it belongs. So if you find "detaching" too hard, try to "refocus" on what is important - your health and well being.
- Next were Sally and Rocco. As we noted previously Cisco is now in an adult inpatient program with emphasis on being able to manage his own life and eventually to live on his own. We had our second visit with him and he shows improvement but has months to go in a very tough program. Keep watching the blog for our updates.
- Finally there was another veteran couple (who were the 2009 Allegheny County Parents-of-the Year). Thanks for coming back to our meetings. Their 20 year old son had been clean for around 3 years. Recently he was found with beer in his car and has been charged with underage drinking. This carries with it an automatic suspension of his license. Fortunately he found an apartment about a mile from his job and will be able to walk to work for the next few months. His parents will keep the car at their house with the keys locked safely away so he is not tempted to drive without his license. His mom said she was tempted to hire a lawyer and help her son out. And then she decided no, she was not going to enable her son. It was up to him to work this one out, on his own, and see what his consequences are.
We all, at times, need to stop and ask ourselves "Is this something our child really needs or are we merely enabling his/her addiction?"
Ralph had visited the former Alcatraz Penitentiary in San Francisco and saw the following sign:
RULES & REGULATIONS, U.S. PENITENTIARY ALCATRAZ
REGULATION #5: PRIVILEGES YOU ARE ENTITLED TO -
FOOD, CLOTHING, SHELTER AND MEDICAL ATTENTION.
ANYTHING ELSE THAT YOU GET IS A PRIVILEGE.
It is probably too wordy for a bumper sticker but would be a great sign to hang in our adolescent addict’s bedroom.
BREAK TIME After our break for cake and coffee and some other goodies we still had time for a role play.
ROLE PLAY June volunteered to play the obstinate teenager in an inpatient program who wants out and is threatening to walk out if his parents did not have him released by the weekend.
Ralph and Rocco volunteered to play played the parents. Sally later jumped in as grandma.
The main theme was to get some little agreements in, to defuse the child’s anger and arguments while not giving into his manipulations.
In order not to drag this post out too long this is the “Readers Digest” version.
Mom and Dad: Hi Joe how are things going?
Joe: What do you think? Things here really suck! This place sucks! These people suck! I’m getting out of here this weekend, right?
Mom: You’re right Joe this is not a great place to be.
Dad: It must really suck to be in a place like this, don’t you agree mother?
Mom: Yes Pop, but you know it’s a good place for Joe to be…
Joe: Hey! Am I getting out of here this weekend or not?
Dad: You know Joe you always come right to the point. I like that. There is never any guessing what you are talking about. That’s great, so to get right to the point, NO you are not getting out this weekend.
Joe: I am too getting out of here. If you don’t get me out of here I am just going to walk out of here.
Mom: Right to the point again. That is great. Thanks for letting us know that Honey.
Joe: Thanks for letting you know? What do you care? You never cared about me. You never cared about anything except yourself. You put me in here so you and Pop could go out and party and vacation by yourself. You don’t care about me!
Grandma: Now Joey we do care about you. We are concerned if you walk out of here that you won’t have anywhere to go and then you would be out wondering around on the streets.
Dad: Yes we do care. In fact we care so much about your safety I am going to talk to the counselors about you wanting to leave. That way they can keep an eye on you. We wouldn’t want anything to happen to you out there.
Joe: @#$% the counselors. They’re too stupid to catch me. I can walk out of here anytime I want. I can get past the locks and the security cameras and even that old guy at the bottom of the hill with the shot gun. And the police don’t care enough to take the time to even look for me.
Mom: You right Joe, you probably could do that. You’re really clever and you've probably thought this out. You know Honey that is the main reason we are so uncomfortable with you coming home at this time.
Dad: That’s right. Jeez. If security cameras and locked doors and the police can’t stop you, well then, Mother and I certainly wouldn’t be able to relax with you living at home. We would need to keep an eye on you 24/7.
Grandma: Pop’s right Joey. It doesn’t sound to me like you are ready to come home and follow their rules yet!
This role play went a couple of different directions. We had a lot of good input from Lloyd and the parents, and were able to rewind and try some other tactics. We even had a chance to get in a few laughs.
Rewinding is not something that you will not get a chance to do at home. That is okay. If you miss this time, don’t fret. Try to get it right the next time.
That is why PSST is here. To get you ready to gret it right, to practice how to do it and to help you get it right the next time as needed.
“Parent Survival Skills Training is designed to empower parents. Some of these teenagers have held their parents hostage. The parents are desperate to find a way to survive. More importantly, they are desperate to find a way to help their teenagers survive the deadly game of drug abuse. By the time they come to group, many of the parents have already learned that “bailing their child out of trouble” only adds to the problem. We refuse to place any blame on the parents for having a troubled child. We want them to identify how they are being manipulated, rise up, and take back control.” – Val Ketter - Supervisor of the Court's D&A Unit
Once more Sally and I would like to thank everyone at PSST for being there for us. As Sally noted "I just wish that each of the parents at PSST could win this award because I think we all deserve it!”
Thanks to the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office for the use of their space.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday Oct 9 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Trinity Lutheran Church 2500 Brandt School Road, Wexford, PA 15090 (Our one-year aniversary at this location).
Come and join us - PSST Meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, October 01, 2010
Kathie Tagmyer pointed out to me after this last meeting that some of the reluctance parents have in making the agreeing statement is that they are afraid of the slippery slope. Parents do not want the teenager to think that they agree with the what the teenager is saying, i.e., that teenager should run away, that no one loves them, that they are being victimized, that the parent put them away because they don't want them anymore, etc. Good point!
We don't want the teenager to think we agree with all that. That is why we have a "twist" to our agreement. Actually, as Kathie suggested, in order to avoid the slippery slope, we must have the twist in mind before we make the agreeing statement. Also, we decide what slice of the pie to agree with and we don't want to buy the whole pie.
Therefore before making the agreeing statement ask yourself this question: How can I twist some part of that to introduce my talking point?
It seems complicated and I'm sure that readers are saying, "Boy, this really demands a lot of thinking on my feet." Yes and No. It does require thinking on your feet; however, these issues tend to repeat themselves over and over with our teenage population. You can expect them to repeat their themes over and over. It's what teenagers do. Therefore, you have only to formulate some ready twists for some themes that you have heard over and over. That is why the role-plays we do at PSST are so important. This is our laboratory and this is where we can hear what themes you parents have to listen to, and what twist/ agreements that we have ready.
I'm going to list what I think might be common themes and put some twist/ agreements down after each one.
Theme #1: Abandoned in Placement
Teen: You abandoned me here! You haven't done anything to try to get me home! You're just happy to leave me here forever! Just lock up ole Suzie and throw away the key!
Dad: I've left you here to rot apparently.
Teen: Yes, exactly!
Dad: I'm just realizing how correct that is...
Teen: What is?
Dad: What you are saying. It's right. I'm prepared to leave you here as long as I feel that you are more safe here than you are at home. I'm not sure that I knew this until you said what you said and you helped me realize that, yeah, I'm prepared to leave you here for as long as possible because I am so worried that drugs are going to kill you.
Theme #2: That's messed up, what you just said!
Teen: I can't believe you just said that! That is so horrible!
Dad: It is horrible. This addiction is a horrible nasty thing and it makes people say nasty things about it. And it's so hard to recover from it, isn't it?
Theme #3:I'm going to run away if blah blah blah [things don't work out the way i want or if I don't get released when I think I should] and you'll never catch me.
Teen: I've had it with you and with all these morons up here [in placement]. If you don't talk to someone, send some texts or emails or whatever you do with my Probation Officer to get me out of here- then I'm running. And you'll never catch me.
Option A:
Mom: I could talk to someone. They might listen to me I don't know. Maybe they would let you out if caused a stink about it.
Teen: Yes! So you will try to get me out?
Mom: No, but I think it was a good try on your part! You're desperate to get out of here. You'd do just about anything to get out of here at your release date and since that looks more and more like it's not going to happen- you're feeling desperate.
Option: B
Dad: You might be hard to find if you ran away.
Teen: Duh! That's what I'm trying to tell you! You better help me get out of here and I mean fast. Do you hear me?
Dad: Yes, I hear you. You are feeling like running. When things don't go your way, you run. That's the old Suzie, or so I hoped.
Teen: I'm not kidding here Dad you better listen up and listen up good before it's too late! This is no time for your little PSST tricks that you learned wasting your perfectly good time on a Saturday morning.
Dad: You're right. This is really important what you are saying. I would feel terrible if your ran away and were out there on the road. I know it's dangerous out there.
Teen: Not for me.
Dad: You could handle yourself on the road so much better than I could. You know me, I don't like to shower anywhere but home- oh and when it comes to going to bathroom there is no place like home- but you're not like me. You can sleep under a tree or whatever but boy I need my memory foam mattress to get a nice sleep.
Teen: I like it at home too.
Dad: Well you're going to run so I don't think I'm not sure it's as important to you as it is to me, that's all I'm saying.
on and on and on - this one could go on forever but the long and short of it is that dad is going to agree that the placement agency needs to raise security, take her shoes, put her on one-on-one etc and thank her for at least being honest enough to let you know- oh and yeah, "this is just one of the reasons that I am Not Comfortable with you coming home right now. When the going gets tough you'll just split. And I agree- that is exactly what you might do!"
(This is a post-in-progress, so hopefully each time you return to this post it will be a little more developed. You can help me write this post by listing some major themes that you hear from your teenager in the comment section.)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, October 01, 2010
We will announce Parent of The Year for Allegheny County tomorrow. Please attend if you can to support our new Parent of the Year! See previous posts below.
This award will be presented October 6th at the annual awards ceremony between 6:00 PM and till we're done, probably around 8ish. This happens at Family Court House 550 Fifth Ave., Pittsburgh, PA (the Old Allegheny County Jail.) Please plan to attend if you would like to support one of our PSST parents receiving this award.
Click "read more" to see pictures of the last three Parent of the Year winners.
The first winner of this award in 2006 happened before we started the blog and we have trouble finding a picture. This will be the fifth year running on the Allegheny Parent of the Year Award.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, September 29, 2010
This is a comment on Sally's comment of Rocco's post On the Road Again. My comment was too long to be accepted by blogger so I turned it into a post. Her comment is reprinted in part below as it appears on "Oops, Problem With Blogger."
"I was sitting between Cisco and Rocco. Cisco was complaining and Rocco was nudging me and tapping my arm. This I know was Rocco's warning signal that I was getting sucked into Cisco's manipulation. I quickly came to my senses and when Cisco said, 'Maybe I'll walk away from here (this placement), I don't care what happens to me if I do.' I replied, 'That is your choice, you may want to think of the consequences.' I acted nonchalant. We left shortly after that and I had a sick feeling in my stomach. I don't want him to walk out of the program. I care."
It's so hard to do this detach-with-love thing. It would be helpful if we all had Rocco to nudge us when we are getting "sucked in." Yesterday, I did an assessment of a teen at Shuman who was very angry about the assessment. Still, she felt she had no choice but to "cooperate" so she responded with an attitude to every question I asked. I felt myself getting oppositional and that means that I was getting "sucked in."
It was only at the end of the interview that I started to agree with her that this assessment might be completely unnecessary, which had been her point that I had failed to appreciate all along. My failure to address that earlier in the interview kept the defiant wall up.
Of course, we still had to do the interview so my appreciation of that fact wouldn't have changed anything; however, had I jumped to that place with her earlier, it would might have lowered the wall that she had put up. Of course, it was a slippery slope. I had to be clear that if she did not participate that could look bad for her. Also, I didn't need her to tell people that she refused to cooperate in the assessment because even the guy doing the assessment thought that it was stupid. Traps to avoid here are obvious: if I don't acknowlege that it might be ridiculous to do the assessment then she remains defiant. On the otherhand, if I agree with that to heartily then I undermine the very assessment process. I struggled with it.
I know that it is not the same when you are parenting because it is your own teenager and therefore it is much much harder to detach. I offered this example only to emphasize the point that Sally made that we need to nudge each other when possible- because it's so hard to see it when when we are getting sucked in.
We can trust that life is such that when you wish that you would have used your "detach-with-love" skills to better effect, and you feel that you may have missed the opportunity, life will give you another crack at it soon enough.
With the nudging from Rocco, Sally was able to reply matter-of-factly and in a more business-like fashion. This sent Cisco the message that she would be OK if he decided to walk away from treatment. And that was the truth because she would be OK in the end. She choose to not highlight the fact that this would be a crushing blow. That's good because at that moment it didn't have to be all about Sally.
The way we respond also shapes the way we feel about situations so that we are not just hiding our feelings but we are in some measure shaping our feelings. Not 100 percent but still we are shaping to some degree the way we feel.
Consider this possible exchange:
Cisco: "Maybe I'll walk away from here (this placement) I don't care what happens to me if I do."
Sally: Sometimes we don't care what happens- you've been down that road before Cisco.
Cisco: That's the way I feel about it - I just don't care anymore.
Sally: Maybe you need to walk away. You know, I think you learned something when you walked away from your last program. Consequences can help us learn and consequences help us learn to care.
Sally: Have you thought that maybe you should just call Lloyd and ask him to move you to Shuman?
Cisco: Are you mental? I don't want to go to Shuman.
Sally: Oh, I'm sorry. I misunderstood. I thought you said the consequences didn't bother you.
Cisco: See, that's so messed up- I didn't say I wanted to go to Shuman- you're twisting what I'm saying- now I'm getting mad.
Sally: I know I can make you angry sometimes. I don't phrase things well.
Cisco: You can say that again.
Sally: Oops. Well, I'm happy that you do care about consequences. I think that shows how you've changed, you know, for the better. That is very adult when we think before we act. Good for you.
This helps to shape the way we feel: that something good can come out of both decisions: walk away or stay- both have lessons. I am reminded of the "Good News" post that Rocco put up after Cisco's relapse. Writing something like that helps shape the way we feel and, point-in-fact, Cisco would not today be in the great program that he is in if he were not to have relapsed.
There was no regular PSST Meeting last weekend so Sally and Rocco took the PSST Meeting on the road. Actually we had our own meeting in our car on the way home from visiting Cisco.
Our 18 year old son, Cisco, has been a wannabe gangsta rapper since he was about 14. That is, coincidently, around the same time that he tried his first joint.
Who is to say that if he had continued to hang out with the “Preppie” kids, stayed in sports, been more spiritual and studied harder he would, or would not, be a teenage addict?
Well what if he was into to alternative rock, hip-hop, jazz or maybe even country music? Could Cisco have avoided alcohol? Should we have insisted that he could never play “Grand Theft Auto”, listen to rap music or log onto Facebook/My Space? Would he have never popped a pill? How about if we would have kept him in the smaller private school? Would he have never overdosed?
What was it that we could have done to make sure that Cisco did not become an addict?
We have beat ourselves up, from time to time, with all of these “what if’s”, “should of’s”, “would of’s” and “why didn’t we’s” for the last few years. To be honest I don’t think that there will ever be a time that these thoughts will ever go away completely.
What we have done is “detached with love”.
We are learning to accept that:
- We did not CAUSE his addiction - We cannot CONTROL his addiction - We cannot CURE his addiction
We did regain our SANITY when we stopped focusing on our son and began to focus on changing our own attitudes and behaviors.
So what we have today is an 18 year old son recovering from his addiction and his behavior problems and we, ourselves are in recovery from his addiction and behavior consequences and our own co-dependency issues.
We had a pretty good week with some ups and downs. We finally received word that Cisco earned his G.E.D. diploma. We made it to a couple of Gateway meetings, Sally had two new girls join her knitting class at Ridgeview and at the end of the week we received the word that Cisco was okay but he “needed” money and was letting everybody know that he would be using as soon as he was out of his program. Time to detach we need to remind ourselves.
On Sunday we had a visit with Cisco. We talked, had a few laughs and even got in a couple of games. It appears to be a good program for him; he seems to be accepting it and his anger and language are under control but he has only been there for 17 days.
Then towards the end of the visit he showed off some of his best manipulation skills (he is really good.)
He started with frustration and then tossed in a good helping of self pity (“Danger, Will Robinson! Danger. Detach, detach.”)
We know a lot of Cisco’s frustration comes from being in yet another program but Sally noticed something else worth mentioning. Cisco had told us early on in the visit that he had also invited some friends to come and visit. It turned out that one friend was working; one said they didn’t know how to get there and three others didn’t respond. And these are his “good” friends. It seems that the only ones he can count on to come and visit are mom and dad.
We did pretty well ourselves during the visit. We praised him for doing as well as he has, in a really tough program. We gave him a bit more for passing his G.E.D. Exams and earning his diploma. We attempted to talk a little about his future but agreed with him to concentrate on “one day at a time.”
When we finally got to the manipulation portion of the visit we were able to handle it well. We were able to find those little bits to agree with him. Yes, this is a tough program. Yes, you may not make it. Yes, you may relapse someday. Yes, you can return home someday (of course only if you are clean and sober and able to follow our rules.) Yes, we are here to help you with your recovery. Never the less you are the one who needs to accept and finish the program. You are the only one who can recover from your addiction.
As parents of addicts we tend to enable teens because we care. Out of our parental instincts to protect our child we think we are helping them. But enabling them is the worst thing that we can do for them. Remember that “Detaching” from our addicted teen is not the same thing as abandoning them. The idea is to still care for them while “Detaching Emotionally”.
Because you care for them does not mean that you are responsible for their addictive behavior and consequences. In other words: do not get all wrapped up emotionally by an addicts destructive behaviors.
This is difficult.
Practicing detachment should make it easier over time.
Only when addicted teens are faced with real consequences can they start to make a change.
At Parents Survival Skills Training (PSST) there is help for parents available in the form of free meetings with other families who are dealing with family addiction. The purpose of these meetings is to learn from one another how to stop being codependent and how to end enabling behavior.
PSST can assist you in the following ways to stop enabling behavior:
- Hold regular meetings for you and other parents of addicts. - Direct you to professional help for yourself. - Help you establish “Tough Love” consequences in your home. - Show you how to stop providing money, privileges and excuses for your substance abuser. - Provide a support system for you with other parents of addicts.
You must be cautioned, however, that there is a possibility of a long-term side effect in attending PSST Meetings: In time you will begin to regain your SANITY, and will begin to feel a sense of self-respect and peace despite any crisis you face.
If you have the same hopeless feeling that Sally and Rocco felt just about one year ago please give PSST a try.
There is no cost and no commitment. You have nothing to lose but sleepless nights, a lot of anxiety and headaches and that feeling of being all alone.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, September 26, 2010
Please leave any comments to On the Road Again - Summary of Sally and Rocco's Personal PSST Meeting below. I made an error and I can't find any way to fix it other than just start comments here and close them on the original post. Sorry... These posts by Sally, Rocco and about Cisco have become the mainstay of our blog. Thanks for keeping us all updated.
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream? Why is the word "abbreviate" so long? Why isn't there another word for "thesaurus?"
I was looking up something else the other day and came across an article called "Training Lions & Tigers: Discipline and Children with Disabilities" by Pete Wright.
#2. No Telephone or Television in the Child's Room, Ever!
#3. The Child Had to Learn to Touch-Type at Home
#4. Never ask "WHY?"
Rule #4 that caught my eye. It is a good rule for parents in general but especially for parents like me, parents of teenage addicts.
Never ask "WHY?" by Pete Wright
When my children misbehaved or messed up, I never asked them "WHY did you . . . ?"
Why did you come home an hour late?
Why did you come home with alcohol on your breath?
Why didn't you clean up your room?
Why did you leave a mess in the kitchen?
Why didn't you finish your homework?
Why did you finger-paint on the walls?
When the parent asks a child Why, the child learns to create good excuses, shifts blame onto others, views himself or herself as a "victim of circumstances" -- and not does not learn to take responsibility for his or her behavior.
Talking about "Why?" the child misbehaved will not teach the child that he has control over himself, his environment and his future. This will not teach him to take responsibility for his actions.
When you ask Why, it's easy to slip in some guilt - "Why did you do this? You upset me so much. You made me feel terrible."
Stay away from guilt.
Before my first child was born, I worked in juvenile training schools. I read a book called "Reality Therapy" by psychologist William Glasser. This book changed the way I dealt with the kids I worked with and it changed how I viewed my job as a parent.
Dr. Glasser wrote:
"Eliminate the word 'why' from your vocabulary in dealing with child behavior.
So often, children don't know 'why.'
They acted because 'I felt like doing it' and they don't really know why.
Never ask 'Why?' Instead, ask 'What did you do?'"
Have the child explain what he or she did. Have him describe his behaviors, starting at the beginning, through the sobs, the tears, and the temper when sobs and tears don't work. Break the incident down into small steps.
Do not focus on "why."
As a parent, you want to know why. Don't give into your curiosity.
Go over the incident until it is very clear what happened, when, etc.
Your next question is "What are you going to do about it?"
What are you going to do about your misbehavior, or your impulses, or your anger so this does not happen again?
The third question is: How can we make sure this will not happen again?
What checks and balances will you put in place to ensure that it will not happen again?
What punishment should we use now?
What should we do if this happens again?
Will we have a battle about it? If we do, what additional punishment shall we initiate if we have to fight with you about doing this again, and not following through as you said you would?
When the child misbehaves, you can ask questions - but never ask WHY? Ask these questions instead:
• What did you do?
• What are you going to do about it?
• To ensure that this does not happen again, what should we do to you now?
• If this does happen again, despite your good intentions now, how much more severe shall the punishment be next time?
I hope we can discuss this at our next PSST Meeting but in the mean time please leave a comment at the bottome of this post or send one into sallyservives@gmail.com
Pete Wright is an Adjunct Professor of Law at the William and Mary Law School where he teaches a course about special education law and advocacy and assists with the Law School's Special Education Law Clinic.
There was a nice mix of regular PSST parents a couple of veteran PSST Parents. Our PSST Pros, Lloyd, Val, Kathie and Jocelyn led the meeting. We had 7 parents representing 6 families ~ On the blog they are known to us, as Lori, June, Alice, Hyacinth, Ruth and Rocco & Sally.
We were glad that they all could make it to our meeting and to our
First Annual PSST Appreciation Day. This week we wanted to take a little time out to say how much we appreciate all those involved with Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST).
First we want to say a special thanks to our PSST Pro’s; Val and Lloyd from The Allegheny County Juvenile Probation Office and to our counselors from Wesley Spectrum, Kathie T, Jocelyn and Cathy C. They continue to make the effort to advise, understand, support and to guide parents of troubled teens in the right direction.
We would also like to extend our appreciation to all of the PSST Parents, Past and Present, who over the years have reached out, listened, empathized, encouraged and passed on some of their wisdom, as well as a few hugs as needed.
PSST is here to counsel parents on how to strengthen themselves mentally, spiritually and physically in order to enable them to take back the power and control in their homes and their families. They provide the tools we parents need to help our teens save their lives.
Thanks!
We tried something a little different this week. We opened up the meeting with an exercise designed to break the ice and let us have a little fun we referred to as a Round Robin. We circled the room and gave each person a chance to be The Robin and The Bluebird.
The Robin sang (or acted out a teenager's manipulation) to the parent on his/ her left, whom we referred to as The Bluebird. The manipulation could be anything The Robin knew that teenagers actually use on parents (we have much expertise in this department at our meetings.)
The Bluebird’s role was to pick out a morsel of something that they could agree with that The Robin had said. The Bluebird was encouraged to really agree by using strong body language, good eye contact and by not throwing in a "but" right away to ruin it.
The Robin continued singing to attempt another variation of the same manipulation at least two more times.
The Bluebird then attempted to find at least two more crumbs of something to agree with.
Once The Bluebird had collected two or three nuggets of agreement, and had The Robin’s attention, they were then free to explain to The Robin why they did not agree with their attempt to manipulate.
The Bluebird was encouraged to use our PSST Power words, "Nevertheless, I'm NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT".
The Bluebird then became The Robin and turned to the next willing participant who became The Bluebird.
We continued around the room and we all had the chance to contribute and talk over our opinions and ideas. We had a few laughs and a few eye opening moments.
We not only had the chance to use "Nevertheless, I'm NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT” but we also used “We will talk about that later” and “Ask me again.” One of our moms pointed out how she likes to inject a little humor into their discussions by using a wee bit of exaggeration.
“You would like me to loan you money to buy a dump truck? Why stop there? Why don’t we buy the whole construction company?”
Humor can be a great tool (from our PSST Tool Box) in the right situation. If we can show our teen the hollowness of their attempted manipulation and get a genuine laugh out of them then we have made some real progress. Be careful not to cross over into sarcasm.
We also had an interesting case where The Robin realizing that The Bluebird was not allowing herself to be manipulated resorted to turning to rudeness (another common manipulation tactic). The Bluebird, at first, was caught off guard and started to respond in a similar way. After some discussion we tried the same tactic but this time The Bluebird responded in a firm and clear manner and was able to get the message across that she would not be manipulated.
Following our break for some coffee, tea, cake and some other goodies each of us had a chance to talk over our own issues with our children in various stages of recovery.
We talked about our teens that are currently in an inpatient recovery program, how they are doing and where they can go when they complete the program. Some teens in recovery cannot return home directly. The people and places may be too strong of a trigger for them to relapse.
We had some thoughts on our teens’ recovery and their goal to complete high school. A School will frequently turn into a strong trigger for an addicted teen and is a serious issue that has to be carefully thought out. There are alternatives out there and this is often a subject of discussion at our meetings. Our Thanks again to all at PSST, and of course our thanks to OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES for the use of their space.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday October 2 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the
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Upcoming Meetings and Events
**** PSST meetings will be discontinued for the next several months. Once we have determined a re-start date for the meetings, we will post that information on this website. ****
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