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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Sometimes You Gotta Break a Few Eggs to Make an Omelet! For new visitors let me explain that one year ago Sally and I were about to crack. We had an addict for a teenage son (we call Cisco). We had tried various forms of counseling, out-patient therapy and 12-Step Meetings for three years and it was not working. In fact Cisco was slipping deeper into the world of drugs and becoming more and more out of control. We were not only considering Act 53 (involuntary commitment of minors into drug and alcohol treatment) for him but we were seriously beginning to ask about how we could make Cisco a Ward of the State. We didn’t think we would ever get our lives or our home back in order and we were not sure how much longer Cisco would survive. He had already overdosed twice by age 16.
In our search we found PSST and have been regularly attending PSST meetings for ten months. They have guided us to professional resources for assistance for our son and for ourselves. We have also connected with a lot of other parents having very similar experiences with their teenagers. There are other very good Help Groups in the area (you can find links to some of them on the right side of the page) but we have found this group to be the one that suits us best.
Please consider attending a PSST Saturday morning meeting if for no other reason other than to VENT your feelings with others that understand what you are going through. You will be reassured, as we were, to see a number of parents nodding in agreement as you tell your story. Within a month or so of attending the PSST meetings we found an amazing thing – Sally and I regained our ability to laugh again. This was a big turning point that we weren’t sure we would ever reach. We, as well as our son, still have a way to go to on the road to healing (with some speed bumps, some usual and possibly unusual detours and plenty of potholes ahead) but we now have our GPS set for Recovery.
On the left side of this page you will find directions to the PSST Saturday morning meetings. On the right side of this page you will notice some links titled “Recommended Posts” and “Key Role-Plays”. A lot of these are based on discussions in the PSST meetings and address subjects and topics common to parents of addicts. They go back to 2001 and contain a lot of experience and wisdom.
One that I have keyed in on several times is “Breaking a Few Eggs” from March, 2007.
The post goes into how we as parents of addicts tend to “walk on eggshells” to keep peace and order in our lives. Our tiptoeing at least provides us “the perception” of peace and order in our lives. Just for the record, let me clarify that I was the one that thought that this was the better approach. Sally learned early on to be a little more direct and frank with Cisco and tended to “stomp on eggshells” to make sure she got her point across to him.
Cisco, like most addicts, needed to be the one in control. He would "play nice" with us as long as it got him what he wanted. But whenever challenged he would get loud, agressive and agitated. This had the effect that he wanted. We sympathized, reassured, apologized, commiserated, comforted and encouraged him just as all good parents do.
To put it into one simple phrase – We Enabled him.
To paraphrase the previous post: …all of our apologies, statements of love, and determination to “understand” were seen as a sign of weakness by our teenager. He played along of course. He understood this game well. The name of the game is “How Many Ways Can I Make This MOM and Dad’s FAULT?
In the last 10 months Cisco has been arrested, voluntarily entered inpatient treatment, violated probation, visited Shuman Center and juvenile court a few times, been on house arrest for a month, successfully completed an Intensive Outpatient Program, attended a lot of 12 Step Meetings, relapsed, gone into a second inpatient treatment facility and has matured quite a bit. He is scheduled to take his G.E.D. this month and is beginning to think about his future. The drug induced fog is starting to lift and Cisco is beginning to “get it.”
During this same time Sally and I, with the help of PSST, have been going through our own recovery process. The abuse and chaos of the last few years is settling we are regaining real peace and order in our lives. But NOT by “walking on eggshells” this time around. Sally and I now “get it” too.
Breaking eggs does not make us bad parents.
We now are dealing with Cisco being placed in a halfway house before returning home. We presented it to him and he didn’t like it. We felt bad but we got over it. Cisco did very well controlling his anger but still tried his best to “guilt us”. We felt bad again, but you know what? We got over it again.
To borrow from the post again: “…we can break a few eggs. In fact, we can break a few on purpose. Why? Because we come to understand that our child’s well being is not fostered by the whole “tiptoe around the eggs thing.” Furthermore, our teenager is not the only one that needs to express a few feelings! As parents, we need to express some things too!”
We realize that if Cisco is going to believe that we have truly changed, then we better show him some of these changes while he is still in placement.
We need to take risks in order to have any chance of helping our teenager make good decisions.
We need to be strong, take-the-bull-by-the-horns parents, who do not shy from confrontation.
“We need to break a few eggs.”
Hope These Books are Helpful to You.
1.How to Tell When Kids Are in Trouble with Alcohol/Drugs - Hazelden/Johnson Institute - ISBN # 1562461427
2.Parents, It's Not Your Fault - Beverly J. Skogland - ISBN # 0894865501
3.Acceptence-A Way to Serenity and Peaco of Mind - Vincent P. Collins -ISBN#087029072x
4.Recovery of Chemically Dependent Families - Hazelden/Johnson Institute - ISBN#0935908390
5.Detachment - The Art of Letting Go While Lilving With an Alcoholic - Evelyn Leite - ISBN# 0935908021
6.Chemical Dependence and Recovery, A Family Affair - Hazelden/Johnson Institute - ISBN# 0935908005
7.The Dynamics of Addiction - George A. Monn MD - ISBN # 0935908382
8.The Family Enablers - Hazelden/Johnson Institute - ISBN # 0935908099
9.Choices and Consequences, What To Do When a Teenager Uses Alcohol/Drugs - Dick Shaefer ISBN # 0935908420
10.Addictive Thinking - Abraham J. Twerski MD - ISBN # 1568381387
11.Codependent No More - Melody Beattie - ISBN # 0894864025
12.Beyond Codependency - Melody Beattie - ISBN # 0894865838
13.Alcoholics Anonomous -Big Book - Alcoholics Anonomous World Services, Inc.
14.Adult Children of Alcoholics - Janet Woititz - ISBN # 1558741127
15.It Will Never Happen to Me - Claudia Black Ph.D./MSW - ISBN # 1568387989
16.Under the Influence - Ketchum - ISBN # 9780553274875
17.Beyond the Infuence - Ketchum - ISBN # 0553380141
18.Boundaries, When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life - Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend ISBN # 0310247454
19.The Selfish Brain - Dupont - ISBN # 1568383630
(Please Click on Above Title to link to another post about reading material.)
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The Spell Has Been Broken - Part Two
One has to Repeat Breaking the Spell every day. Your teenager will keep guilting you and tugging at your heartstrings and doing whatever he/she can do to be in control. So even when you state: The Spell Has Now Been Broken; it is something that has to be worked on every day in order for it to stay broken. I can feel the frustration in some of your comments and believe me, I've been there.
As you know in my last post, Cisco did not want us to stay for the Saturday visit and we left after 5 minutes. I did great on Saturday but on Sunday I had to remind myself to stay busy and not dwell on missing him. I did that and it was not easy but I am getting better at it each time. We went to see him on Tuesday because he called and asked if we were coming. He was a little more receptive even though he was still unhappy about the possibility of a half-way house for his next step in recovery.
When I asked if we should come out to visit this coming Saturday he said 'No, I am always in a bad mood on Saturdays, but maybe if I get to go to an N.A. meeting this week I'll want company.' So he left it open... I think he wants to see us but he is struggling because he is losing control of us.
Rocco and I talked about it. He is allowed a phone call tonight (Friday). If he calls tonight and asks us to visit on Saturday, we will go. If not, Rocco and I are going shopping for a bike rack so we can enjoy bicycling this spring; provided of course, there is an END to WINTER!
I'm sure it is very hard to be a single mom and to go through all the drama that happens with an addict but please look at the positive side about that. You do not have to agree with anyone about any decisions. You get to call all of the shots. It is nice to have someone to lean on during these troubles but when there are two parents involved both have to work hard to "be on the same page".
I like the comment about - becoming aware that your teenager has taken control - awareness is the first step in getting the control back.
Here are some suggestions of things to do to keep busy and therefore be less focused on your teen. a.) take a credit or non-credit class. b.) plan a mini vacation. c.) throw a small party. I am having a 'We Want Winter to Go Away' Party. d.) Learn something new. e.) Volunteer at your local hospital, school or church. f.) If you are single, go out on a date. g.)If you are married, go out on a date with your spouse. h.) Look up a friend who you lost contact with, then reunite. i.) I encourage you to write a post for this blog, it is very helpful to put your feelings down and your thoughts in order. Use a pen name, no one will know who you are and I bet ninety percent of the people who read this are in the same boat and will understand. I know some of the above suggestions will only work while your child is in placement, such as b.) go on a mini vacation. You can't do that and leave your teenager at home, for goodness sake. You don't know what condition your house will be in when you get back home. Just do whatever you can do, whenever you can do it, to keep your life as normal as possible. Addiction is a family disease it does affect the whole family. Hang in there.
I have to get to work now but next time I will compile a list of good reading material.
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There seems to be a general concensus among the mothers of addicts that I have met; they confess that they are enablers. It seems that it is not just in our feminine make-up but society itself that expects it of us.
Cisco knows I am a softy and why shouldn't I be? He is my son and I love him and want him to be happy......So far, he has been in treatment at Gateway YES for 30 days. We had his ISP meeting this past Wednesday. One of the subjects that came up at this meeting is the question of his aftercare. It is natural that when one sees their child working very hard at a program and doing all that he should be doing, being calm and polite and loving. Reading and studying and praying and working on the 12-steps carefully one step at a time; it is natural to wistfully sigh and say aaaww I want him to come home and do just this at home. Cisco wants to be home so bad and he will be happy. Rocco will be happy and I will be happy.
Will he work his program as well at home? You suddenly recall an incident or two of when your teenager was using drugs and this ugly mental image is your saving grace.
The spell is broken. You realize that you must focus on one particular objective. You know your child needs to stay clean and sober, hopefully forever. You know that you don't have enough experience to draw from so you rely on the experts whose care he is in to recommend whatever treatment they see most fit for your son's recovery.
Cisco wants so much to come home. And I knew that it would be suggested he go to a halfway house called Liberty Station after his stay at Gateway YES to help ensure his success. I opted not to visit him the day before his ISP meeting so that he did not have a chance to beg me with those big, sad, brown eyes. Maybe even beg me to insist to his P.O. and therapist that he should be home with us. I am very fortunate to be married to Rocco, he understood this and did not mind going to visit Cisco on his own. They had a nice converstion and Cisco asked him about coming home but did not plead or beg etc. Hhhmmm, funny how he doesn't plead with Rocco as much.
When we walked into the meeting on Wednesday, Cisco gave me an ink drawing which he made in memory of his grandma, my dear mom who died two years ago. It was carefully drawn and very beautiful so he had me crying before the meeting even started. Cisco was very prepared for the ISP meeting and presented himself very well. He did not like the mention of Liberty Station but we explained that it is not for certain but it is likely that he will go there. He said he will go if we tell him he has to. Toward the end of the meeting I thought it would be easier to stay in control of my emotions if I flip over the beautiful drawing which reminded me of my mom. I flipped over the paper and saw the words......... push me away.
The tears started to fall and I asked if Rocco and I could spend a few minutes alone with Cisco.
After I got control of myself again I let Cisco know that I understood how hard it is to be in a treatment facility and we love him and do not want to push him away. Never the less we will do whatever is best for his long-term recovery. That needs to be our focus.
There are visiting hours on Saturday. Rocco and I were late getting there because we were at our PSST meeting. Cisco had been napping but they called him out of his room when we finally arrived almost an hour late. He gave each of us a hug but had very little to say except that he thought we were not coming. We tried to strike up a conversation but he said he was very tired and wanted to sleep. So our visit lasted 5 minutes and we each hugged again and Rocco and I left. It was sad. I am not going to say that Cisco was trying to guilt us, he really was half asleep. The only part of this situation that I could control is how I react. I think Rocco expected me to cry when the elevator door closed. I did not cry. I put my arms around Rocco and I said. "It's you and me kid. What do you want to do for the rest of this beautiful day?" Rocco smiled. He had many suggestions. He appreciated that I was in control of my emotions. I was not going to let Cisco get to me.
When a couple has a teenager who is an addict, the addict takes control of the household.
In our household that SPELL IS NOW BROKEN. Cisco is no longer in control. For several years we could not go anywhere without worrying. There were many special events that we could not attend. We even cancelled a small but very special trip for our 30th anniversary because of Cisco's problem. It is time to put the control back into our hands. When that elevator door closed and I let Rocco know that Cisco did not have me upset it was a huge difference from my normal reaction. Cisco was not the center of attention; Rocco was. This is my new norm. This is how it should be. The Cisco spell is now broken.
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South Hills PSST Meeting was attended by 7 parents and 5 professionals.
(Professionals are officers, therapists and directors)
After the opening announcements everyone had a chance to introduce themselves and tell as little or as much as they wished to tell about their teenager/parental relationship. There was a storehouse of information and knowledge and wisdom and laughter that was exchanged.
After a fifteen minute break we continued with two role-plays: 1.) Teenager Who Uses Persuasive Methods in Order to Get What They Want 2.) Parents Reaction when an Adult Child Wants to Come Home. We had four other suggestions for role-plays but ran out of time. They will be played out in the upcoming meetings. The other role-play suggestions were as follows: A.) I'M 18, I DON'T NEED A CURFEW. Treat me like an adult, give me freedom and let me make my own decisions. (Just keep cooking, cleaning up after me and giving me free room and board.)
B. ) How to Stop Enabling
C. ) Don't come and visit me (while I am in inpatient)....unless you change your mind about putting me in a halfway house.
D. ) My girlfriend is moving in with us mom!!
Thanks to all who attended this successful meeting. I know I walked away feeling empowered and hope you did also. The snacks were delicious and nutritious. The cheesecake was out-of-this world.
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On January 19th you heard from Rocco and he filled you in on Cisco's relapse. Cisco is controlling his anger and acting calm when we visit him at Gateway YES. He is doing eerything possible to get out and get home. He was angry with his PO and had his own ideas for his future.
Then something happened.....
He was told to write his 'Drug Use History.' He filled page after page with the drugs he used and how they affected him. When we visited him two Sunday's ago he as not as angry with Lloyd as he was with himself. He was mad that he let so much of his teen years waste away. We told him to remember the addiction just well enough to keep him from going down that path again but to forget it enough so that he could move on to something better. He seemed to understand that and slowly shook his head, yes.
He said he spends most of his free time reading and asked us to bring some books on the life of Eminen. (You know him, he is the (c) rap artist who grossed way too much money last year.) Rocco and I believe that impared reading is better than no reading at all so we set off to the library and picked up two biographies on Eminen and slipped in a mystery novel which looked interesting. Cisco read the two books he asked for and now started the novel.
We received a letter from Cisco and he apologized for all the heartache he caused us by his selfishness. He also sent us the lyrics for a rap song which he wrote expressing these feelings.
Because of the blizzard we were unable to visit Cisco this Saturday so he had some additional time to be introspective. Looking within is serving Cisco well and he now has a plan for his future. He has decided to work on obtaining a GED instead of going back to Tenth Grade. When we visited him this tuesday he said he wanted to break off ties with his girlfriend and his main priority when he gets out of rehab is to get a job and apply for Community College and not to look up all of his old friends. HE does not consider everyone his friend anymore. Cisco said that when he gets out he has the option of living at Liberty Station, which is a halfway house, or at home. Cisco said he wants to come home. At this point, I did not say anything, but when this subject comes up again I am going to ask him to think hard about this and to choose the place where he feels he will have the best chance of staying clean.
He has come to the conclusion that Lloyd is okay and really does have his best interest at heart. We have all heard that it is imperative for addicts to change people, places and things to be successful in their recovery. One can only smile when someone repeats to you all that you have been telling them over and over again but now they have heard it anew.
Cisco has been in rehab for twenty-one days. He is still calm and he is saying everything he should say. I just hope and pray he means it enough that when he gets out it will turn into action and this action will turn into a new way of life.
Sally
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So here we go again. Our son has relapsed and had yet another opportunity to visit Shuman Center (his fourth visit since October). Cisco is leaving Shuman today for the inpatient program at Gateway YES. I feel strangely disconnected. I am not angry or sad maybe a bit disappointed but not really surprised.
Cisco came out of his summer inpatient program in August and went into a 90 day outpatient program. He went back to high school to redo 10th grade and regularly attended 3 or 4 N.A. meetings per week. He hit a few bumps in the road to recovery which resulted in, as I noted, somewhere around 2 or 3 weeks total in detention and being on a home monitor for about 30 days.
Let note that Cisco has worked hard and has improved greatly since last spring. Nevertheless we keep reminding ourselves that it has only been 6-1/2 months since he began his recovery and we are still learning how to be parents of an addict. Within days of successfully completing his IOP Cisco tested positive for THC but he says that he doesn’t understand what our problem is and that his P.O. is out to put him away. With the help and encouragement of all of our friends at PSST, we kind of knew what to expect and we are sure that we are headed in the right direction. We are determined to learn more about his addiction and the Gateway Yes program and we will try to discern what will be the best moves to make for Cisco so that he has the best possible chance to get himself out of the mess he got himself into.
Even though Cisco has memorized the steps to his recovery he is not ready to comply with the program. He is not ready to accept that his addiction problem is his fault, he cannot turn control of his life over to anyone especially a “higher power”, he has a very hard time following rules, he cannot give up old fiends and old places and he has a great skill at twisting words around.
For example, he explains how even though he continues failing most of his classes at school he is doing great and will have no problem catching up and passing. He enlightens us as to how everyone at his N.A. meetings agree that there is no problem with relapsing so it is not a big deal if he does. He assures us that he needs to hang out with his old friends because they are the only ones who can understand him. He can’t understand why we freak whenever he disappears for 4 or 5 hours to “hang out”.
Also, he advises us how he is going to complete his 90 days at Gateway YES with flying colors and get right back to doing what he wants to do. He told us last night that recovery programs have nothing to teach him and that this is nothing more than a 90 day punishment. He was even detailing out how his upcoming home visits should go. He is the Energizer Bunny – he just keeps going and going.
So today we start down a new road – we will keep you updated on how this part of our journey goes.
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Here are the tips that parents shared at our second Sixth Annual Reunion/ Holiday Meeting. Once again Valerie took notes. Also, once again, the food was excellent and we even thought that we should post receipes from the meeting. So if you want to post a recipe for one of those great dishes, email Lloyd. By the way, we are doing this one last time at our Mt Lebanon meeting so if you have missed the fun you have one more opportunity and that would be this Saturday morning. Check the calendar on the right and the location finders on the left.
1. Don't enable
2. Before coming to PSST my self esteem had gotten so low and I have regained it through these meetings.
3. You need to detach to avoid becoming co-dependent.
4. Don't feel guilty that you don't like your kid sometimes (who would?).
5. It's ok to admit a mistake and recoop a mistake.
6. Get a greater knowledge of the system to alleviate your fears and distrust and then you will know better how to use it to help your situation (you get the inside scoop when you come to PSST about the system and how to use it best to your teenager's advantage.)
7. The stories that others share at PSST helps me because I can relate.
8. Read the NA text book. It is very helpful especially in trying to understand recovery.
9. Do what you think is right no matter how many professionals seem to disagree.
10. Read, listen, call and find the experts and a good book is How To Control Your Out-of-control Kid: author is Bayard.
11. Decide what part of the problem is yours and what part of the problem is your teenagers.
"It's not like we stuck our heads in the sand. We accepted that he had problems. We sought out counselors, psychiatrists, tutors, advocates and advice on how to help him. We were on a first name basis with principles, vice-principles and school counselors and we started our run through the "rat-in-the-maze" world of health insurance for behavioral therapy.
"After two years, two overdoses and visits from the police we were not sure what options we had left. We were drained emotionally, mentally, physically and financially and our son still didn't care."
Thanks Val and Lloyd for creating and maintaining PSST.
We enjoyed last Saturday's meeting and appreciated the advice from both the veterans and the newer parents.
Following are my thoughts on the posting.
We attended our first PSST meeting in either late 2006 or early 2007 and quite frankly we were a bit overwhelmed by it. These parents were talking about their teens using not just marijuana and alcohol but crack cocaine and heroin. Their teens were stealing and dealing to support their habits,refusing therapy and running away from treatment centers.
We felt that son was nowhere near that wild. He was 14 years old and his grades were falling fast, he was becoming a discipline problem at school and at home, he was distancing himself from our family and he was hanging out with a lot of new-found bad "friends" (NOTE: trust your first impressions here). We suspected that he was using marijuana, probably some alcohol and we knew that he was able to pick-up packs of cigarettes whenever he wanted them.
If we confronted him he was very defensive about all of these issues. School sucked, his teachers were out to get him, family was boring, we were stupid and his new "friends" were the only ones that understood him. But we just knew that our son was nowhere near as wild as these other kids, yet.
It's not like we stuck our heads in the sand. We accepted that he had problems. We sought out counselors, psychiatrists, tutors, advocates and advice on how to help him. We were on a first name basis with principles,vice-principles and school counselors and we started our run through the "rat-in-the-maze" world of health insurance for behavioral therapy.
Our son's consistent response to all of this was "I don't care." We didn't understand or accept this but we slowly came to realize that he meant it.
After two years, two overdoses and visits from the police we were not sure what options we had left. We were drained emotionally, mentally, physically and financially and our son still didn't care.
We finally attended our second PSST meeting in May 2009. Since then we have, at least for now, saved our son's life and we have most importantly saved our own lives and our marriage.
And this is just my response to point #1.
Point #2 - You may feel that some of the new techniques offered at PSST may be uncomfortable, may seem harsh, and quite frankly might not work but you know in your heart that your old methods definitely do not work. See point #18.
Point #4 - You will never get the little girl or boy you knew and loved back but you may keep them alive and have the time to get over the issues and pain that their addiction caused.
Point #5 - Do not continue to blame yourself - see Point #12.
Point #6 - We have used this and it works.
Point #9, #17 and #20 - We have not needed to resort to these but we are ready to try them if necessary.
Point #10 - Another parent advised us in one of our first meetings "It seems like you will never get through this but you will" and it is starting to come true.
Point #11 - It is crucial for parents to stay on the same page. We don't always gree but we discuss. Our discussions are none of our son's d@mn business. Failure to follow this will either confuse the kid or more likely supply them with additional ammo to manipulate you.
Point #13 - The meetings are very beneficial to us. We found that we could finally talk openly to people that know exactly what we are going through.
Point #14 - We have used this and it works. Thanks Lloyd.
Point #15 - We used this and it is wonderful to be able to enjoy our home again.
Point #19 - See Point #1.
I agree with Sally that we should continue this format in the next meeting or two to get input from some other parents.
Once again I would like to thank Val and Lloyd as well as Cathy and Kathy from Wesley Spectrum for their continued support and encouragement.
[find other posts by Sally and Rocco below]
Message from PSST parent: 8-30-09
Thanks for empowering us: 9-12-09
Sally finds the right tools to get the job done 9-15-09
Update from Sally: 9-26-09
Relapse-takes-mom-for-ride-on-emotional Roller Coaster 10-26-09
Sally, Rocco, and Cisco: To be continued. 10-26-09
Learning to unlearn 10-22-09
Rocco Sally and Cisco: the story continues.
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The tips that parents were giving to each other were so good that Val started taking notes on her Blackberry during this rare reunion meeting. We saw some faces that we haven't seen for a while. Some parents who showed up first started attending PSST five years ago. There were about 13 parent/family members present. Instead of going around the circle like we often do, we shared by who had the most PSST seniority.
1. If it seems like things aren't working out right, keep coming back to PSST and there's a good chance that things will get better.
2 Once you find yourself at a PSST meeting you can never go back, i.e., you can never go back to the old ways of interacting with your teenager because you realize that the old ways don't work anymore. You're past the point of no return and you have to move forward with the new techniques even if seems at first like it's not working.
3. Acceptance, expectations and keep the focus on yourself. For example, you may have warned your teenager that if they didn't do better in high school they would have to go to Community College. Now, you would love to see him go to Community College.
4. Admit that there are times that you don't like or feel the love towards your teenager. It's OK to admitt that and in light of what you've been through- it's very normal.
5. Hold your teenager accountable for his behavior, decisions, etc. This came up more than once.
6. It's OK to stand up to your teenager and even call the police if it feels horribly uncomfortable. It gets easier after the first time.
7. Our teenager will probably eventually be OK. We will be OK either way.
8. Go to NARANON for additional help.
9. If your teen won't get out of bed in the morning "skip the spritzers and dump the water!
10. It might not look good now but you will get through this.
11. Parents need to stay on the same page and prevent "splitting."
12. Drug addiction is a disease- but there is hope.
13 Coming to PSST makes you realize that you are not alone ("I realized once I got here- Everyone here has a teen like mine! And that was such a good feeling.")
14. Sometimes when your kid is released from an institution or treatment program he acts like a cat that just got out of a pillow case. (and then Lloyd will come for him in the middle of the night.)
15. Take time to focus on fixing the damage at home while your teen is in placement.
16. Chaos does not have to be the norm.
17. Once they are out of the house, don't invite them back.
18. A lot of things you learn in PSST don't feel right when you first try them. Keep trying.
19. Just like in any field, all counselors, therapists, and other helping professionals are not good at what they do. If you're getting advice from someone, and it feels wrong- get a second opinion. Several parents shared stories of how they were undermined by professionals and how hard it can be to find out "what to do."
20. Use ACT 53.
21. Perhaps the funniest advice all meeting was: If you are driving your teen to rehab and you are afraid he might run, take him the longest way possible so that he has no idea where he is but so that he believes that he is really really far away. Later, he will probably tell you that he "found a much better way to get there."
You really had to be there to get the import of some of this wisdom. It's contextual. It was a very powerful meeting. Thanks to all who showed up to lend a hand and support PSST.
Should we do again the same way next week in Wexford?
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Your teenager may not be doing as well as you'd hoped he would be doing by now. Or, perhaps even when it appears that your teenager has turned the corner you are still harboring tremendous fears about relapse or about him her harming himself. Let's look at the positives for a moment. First: Has your teenager obviously turned the corner and perhaps working a good 12-step program? That's the number one thing to be thankful for. It feels like an abosulte miracle when it happens and the change can be powerful and remarkable. Perhaps your teenager has really turned the corner and is not relying on a 12-step program. OK, we wish he was working a good 12-step program but we can be really thankful if he is off drugs and doing well in life.
Two: Is you teenager yet to make the decision to change himself but he is clean and sober today, perhaps in a drug treatment program or halfway house? That's a lot to be thankful for too and the miracle can happen at any time. Often it seems like Drug Treatment Professionals are really in the business of keeping the client drug-free and as safe as possible until the miracle happens.
Three: Is your teenage clearly not ready to change his life but he is experiecing the consequences for his choice to actively pursue a life of drug seeking? And is he still alive? Then let's be thankful that whatever those consequences are that they might help your teenager to see the folly of the path he has chosen and, once again, let's hope for the miracle. Be careful not to rescue from the consequences as they may be the real treatment that is available for your teenager.
Four: Have you changed because of your struggles with your teenager's drug proplem. Have you found growth at PSST or Naranon meetings or Brige To Hope meetings? Have you found support. Have you been able to reaize that your happiness does not hang on the success or failure of your teenagers? Then you have a lot to be thankful for too.
Remember, that 12-step rooms are jammed with miracle-stories of people really deeply immersed in addicition who find a way to arrest this fatal disease.
Happy Thanksgiving to all PSST and PSST blog readers; may you soon find even more reasons to be thankful. Thanks to each and everyone one of you for your support at PSST meetings and for following this blog.
Please feel free to post what you are thankful for this Holiday Season as a comment on this post or email your post to lloyd.woodward@court.allegheny.pa.us. Many parents like to use a pen-name or post anonymously.
Image on card is from CreataCard Gold, which I own and am licensed to use.
Ever find pills at home and wonder what your teenager is taking? 
Look up the pills yourself on Drugs.com. This is a way to look up
the very popular perscription drugs but may not help to identify street drugs like escstasy. To go to the source of the picture on the right click Pill Identification Tool provided by WebMD.
If you need to look up Ecstasy pills try Ecstasydata.org. I like this website becasue each pill pictured gives you the lab test result. MDMA is Ecstasy; however if you page through you will see that everything teens think is Ecstasy is not. Methamphetamines and other substances are also found.
Or if you want to link to pictures of street drugs and other paraphernaila try The National Institute on Chemical Dependency
Type rest of the post here
Read More......
Candyland Post #2
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, November 22, 2009
In my first research on this term (see below) it appears that I missed a common reference to Candyland meaning trips with Salvia Divinorum. Like all drug terms the meanings often vary between users and localities. Clearly, a trip to Candyland refers to a drug experience of some sort but without more information it may be difficult to say exactly what drug is being used. Here is a quote from a drug user reporting on his experience on Salvia Divinorum: "I started to feel the usual effects that come with (smoked) salvia; a swirling that I best describe as someone grabbing my brain and spinning it in my head, an alternate gravity pulling me (like being in a tilt-o-whirl and sticking your head out in the center), and a distance from myself, not physically, but mentally. I looked around and my eyes got caught on it, the door. I was in a winding hallway with candycanes, gumdrops, and all sorts of sweets. The last thought that 'I' had was, 'Whoa, candyland!' I was being guided gently and slowly through the aforementioned hallway, passing little pink creatures doing various things, such as building a moose (yes, I know, weird) and flying around sprinkling powder on things. All of a sudden I was at a door guarded by two men who were, seemingly, made of candycanes."
Part of the attractiveness of this drug for teenagers on Probation is that it is difficult to urine-screen for it.
I am going to link to several posts where drug users are referring to Salvia Divinorum's experience as a "trip to candyland" apparently because the experience itself entails halucinations that make one think of a trip to candyland.
Journey To Candyland by Dion.
Baby Zig in Candyland
Candyland
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, November 21, 2009
 Candyland: "Many users suck on lollipops (or pacifiers) to block the teethgrinding that E can cause." E being Ecstasy- the drug teens do at raves. If you follow that link look to the bottom-middle of the second page of the pamphlet. Apparently, there is also a movie being considered or in production usin  g that name. It features teens on drugs. Turn your volume up and click the link to the movie trailer on the right.
Here is another good link to the movie described as "Crystal Meth and the trip a group of teens takes when they discover the drug (sometimes it doesn't end up so well.)
There is also a song called Candyland. It sounds more like it's about sex than drugs until you realize that it's posted on a "Rave Radio" website:
Author: Aqua
Title: Lollipop (Candyman)
Posted On: 2002-08-28 00:00:00
Posted By: » El_Leader_Maximo
I Am The Candyman Coming From Bountyland
I Am The Candyman Coming From Bountyland
I Wish That You Were My Lollipop
Sweet Things I Will Never Get Enough
If You Show Me To The Sugar Tree
Will You Give Me A Sodapop For Free
Come With Me Honey
I'm Your Sweet Sugar Candyman
Run Like The Wind Fly With Me To Bountyland
Bite Me I'm Yours If You're Hungry Please Understand
This Is The End Of The Sweet Sugar Candyman
Oh My Love I Know You Are My Candyman
And Oh My Love Your Word Is My Command
Oh My Love I Know You Are My Candyman
And Oh My Love Let Us Fly To Bountyland
You Are My Lollipop Sugar Sugar Top
You Are My Lollipop Sugar Sugar Top
I Wish That I Were A Bubble Yum
Chewing On Me Baby All Day Long
I Will Be Begging For Sweet Delight
Until You Say I'm Yours Tonight
Come With Me Honey
I'm Your Sweet Sugar Candyman
Run Like The Wind Fly With Me To Bountyland
Bite Me I'm Yours If You're Hungry Please Understand
This Is The End Of The Sweet Sugar Candyman
Oh My Love I Know You Are My Candyman
And Oh My Love Your Word Is My Command
Oh My Love I Know You Are My Candyman
And Oh My Love Let Us Fly To Bountyland
Oh My Love I Know You Are My Candyman
And Oh My Love Your Word Is My Command
Oh My Love I Know You Are My Candyman
And Oh My Love Let Us Fly To Bountyland
I Am The Candyman Coming From Bountyland
I Am The Candyman Coming From Bountyland
Oh My Love I Know You Are My Candyman
And Oh My Love Your Word Is My Command
Oh My Love I Know You Are My Candyman
And Oh My Love Let Us Fly To Bountyland
You Are My Lollipop Sugar Sugar Top
You Are My Lollipop Sugar Sugar Top
Lyrics
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