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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
I am a mother in a Middle-America, double income family that consists of my husband of 30 years, my daughter age 27 and my son age 21. I grew up in the inner city where I met my future husband in high school; we married after college and moved to the suburbs to start our family. This is the story of my son's drug addiction that started in his teenage years told in six parts.
I describe the events leading to my realization that I had lost my teenager to drugs and the steps I took to cope with that realization, get my son help, and rebuild my family with our new adult son in drug recovery. I am offering my story to help raise the awareness of the teen drug problem, to help destroy the stereotype of the drug addiction as being an inner city issue, and to share some of the lessons I have learned with the hope that they may benefit you and your family.
“My so-called guidance that I inflicted upon my son was really enabling his addiction, because I was there to save him from the harsh reality of recovery. I didn’t understand that the road into and through recovery is brutal. … and most of all; I didn’t want to believe that it had to be me that brought this bottom (of the road) to him. “ As parents we still hope for that relationship with our teenager and we continue to try to force it to happen. However, we come to a point where we realize that it will never be. So as parents, we eventually come to the end. The end of hoping that we can salvage our child’s teen years; The end of hoping that there is a chance that we can still be their parent as they are a teenager. There comes an end to the chance of having a relationship with our teenage child. Regardless of how much we need our teenager, they will never be. And the longer we hang onto our teenager, the longer we trap them and ourselves into an existence of co-dependency and manipulation. In many ways dealing with the loss of our relationship with our teenager is like dealing with a death. We must take the time to mourn this, so that we can move on and allow our teenager to move on. And we must look for our own inspiration so that we can to continue to support our now emerging adult child. There are many sources of strength and support, including God, support groups, other parents, etc. I often find that lyrics in music provide surprising wisdom. There is a song by Martina McBride called, “In My Daughter’s Eyes”, and piece of it is as follows: Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about
It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
And this is kinda what we do. We keep hanging in there for the sake of our drug-addicted kid. We do realize that it is not about us. It is about us supporting them. It is about us doing what is necessary for the benefit of our child’s recovery, regardless of our needs. It is about us allowing our teenager to proceed into recovery so that they can begin a new life, where they can start to realize new dreams
And our teenager is struggling with what they have lost. Our teenager must come to terms with this, for they have lost their teen years and all the events of those years. Our child gave them to drugs. And this really does hurt them more than it hurts us. So we must hang in there when our heart has had enough.
We must also trust that our drug-addicted teenager will emerge as an adult in drug recovery when we feel like giving up all hope. We must trust in something, in order to let go of our teenager, so they can let go of their teen years; To begin to come to terms with what they have lost, and begin to heal; to gain strength; to move into adulthood and into drug recovery.
Now we must look to the future and support our children in their recovery. I am convinced that true recovery does not start until they assume responsibility for it themselves. And we as their parents must allow them the freedom to accept this responsibility. We must give them the freedom that they need to pull themselves up from the ashes of their teen years and move forward as an adult
However, this is just too hard. We still want to be there for them, to give them guidance and direct their recovery. But the reality is, we need this more for ourselves, than any other reality that we are truly effective in guiding their recovery.
There have been many times when I did not understand the actions of my son’s counselors when he was in placement, and I felt the need to intervene. Surely these people do not know what they are doing! However, I always stopped myself and asked the question, “Whatever I did, Did it ever work?” And regardless of how much I want to believe that I really did know what was best for my son, the answer to this question was always a resonating, “No!”
Since he started his drug use at the age of 13 until he was forced into placement by the courts at 17; what I was doing was not working. In fact, it helped the addiction process to continue. And if I feel guilty about anything today, it is the length of time it took for me to realize that I was not effective in dealing with my son’s addiction. And the longer I believed that I was, the further he sank into this pit of heroin. Maybe if I acted sooner, maybe if I didn’t wait so long, maybe if I had listened earlier, maybe his addiction would not have developed as deep as it did.
That is a regret that haunts me every day. My so-called guidance that I inflicted upon my son was really enabling his addiction, because I was there to save him from the harsh reality of recovery. I didn’t understand that the road into and through recovery is brutal. Nor did I understand how necessary it is for an addict to walk this road into order to reach the other side. And I certainly didn’t understand the actions that were necessary to force him to the bottom of this road, and most of all; I didn’t want to believe that it had to be me that brought this bottom to him. I ran from that responsibility for years; shifted it to others, while I continued to believe that he would ‘see-the-light’ and calmly accept recovery. But these demons of addiction that occupy our children; These demons never seek recovery. And as long as we appease them, these demons will continue to stay and play.
So we are not wiser than our children’s drug counselors, or wiser than the recovering addicts in NA. We are not wiser than all the experts that are addressing our child’s drug issues. They can help our children more than we can.
So, we must accept the fact that there will always be a piece of our child’s life where we do not fit, because we are not a drug addict and we will never understand that piece of their lives. We must let go and allow them to move on. We must allow them the space to be able to assume responsibility for their own recovery and allow them to seek advice of others, and it may not be us. And even more so, we may not be involved and we may never know.
End of Part 4 - Come Back Next week for Part 5
A brief preview from next week:
“And I tried, to the exclusion of my marriage, my daughter, my career, my friends, and everything else around until the exclusions included my health. But I could not fix this. … And the more I tried to fix it the more we all sank into the co-dependency of manipulation and enabling. “
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Is it possible for the Parent to benefit from the power that the PO has? Can the parent actually become more powerful by allying themselves with the PO? It may sound like a harebrained question at first, but to become more powerful as a parent keep the following tenets in mind:
1. Keep no secrets with your teen regarding his success following his Conditions of Probation. Sometimes it seems like the right thing to say, "if you do that again, I'm telling your Probation Officer." However, this implies that you will keep some things secret. Secrets keep us sick.
When your teen accuses you like this: "I tired of you threatening me with my PO!" reply "I talk to your PO all the time! Do you expect me to keep things secret from him? I won't do that. I am not here to keep secrets for you."
2. Have frequent and regular contacts with your teen's Probation Officer and /or attend Parent Survival Skills Training regularly, which is sponsored by Juvenile Probation. Make sure your teen knows that you have regular contact with Probation.
3. Play an active role in your teen's hearings. It is good for your teen to see that you stand up in Court, tell the truth, and if appropriate ask that the Court hold your teen accountable.
4. Take an active role in disciplining your teen. Don't leave it up to the Probation Department unless it is a very serious infraction and the consequences are automatic. Take the lead. Hold your teen accountable without the PO's help when possible, but always report openly to the PO about what has occurred. Suggest discipline (such as a week-end in the sanction unit) that you think will work and don't be afraid to ask the PO to be stricter than he planned to be. If your teen sees that you are using the Probation Officer as a tool he will glimpse that you are the agent of power, and the power will flow from the PO to you. On the other hand, taking a passive role in discipline insures that only the PO will receive the power and not the parent. Practice phrases such as, "I spoke with your PO, and he agrees with me that we need to blah blah blah."
As we say in group: If you want the power take the blame: if you take the blame you get the credit.
In other words, be the bad guy. Don't try to make the PO out to be the bad guy and you have no influence. You do have influence, that is to say that you do have power. Don't deny that you have power.
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As I mentioned in Part-One and in Part-Two the role-plays we did in group were designed to heighten awareness. Therefore, when I played each teenager I was not trying to say what I thought they might say. I was trying to say what I thought the Teen would say if he were being brutally honest. The next one is an 17 year-old teen in placement. Actually, in this role-play, the teen might say a lot of this to the Mom. It fits the description of "brutally honest" but in this case, she might say a lot of it openly to her mother and not just be thinking it.
Teen: Mom, you can fool all of these people but you don't fool me.
Mom: Oh.
Teen: You act so different now that you're trying to impress my PO and the staff here, but I know you; you're just faking.
Mom: I'm trying to change.
Teen: You won't change. When I finally get home, you'll see- you won't act all perfect parent when it's just you and me- and for that matter, why don't you just stop fronting right now? You'll never change and you know it.
Mom: Things are going to be different when...
Teen: [Interrupting] Oh sure, sure, you'll be this super-tough bitch when I get home? Ha ha. You couldn't control me before and you won't be able to control me later either. And all this stuff you're learning in your "group"? Oh please, don't make me sick- I know you're going to be just every bit as easy for me to manipulate as ever- you know why?
Mom: Why is that?
Teen: I'm smarter than you. Way smarter than you and you know it. Mom: We'll see.
Teen: Oh don't worry Mom, I still love you, ridiculous as you are trying to impress my PO with how tuff-love you are. Just do me a favor OK?
Mom: What?
Teen: I get it that you have to pretend to be this other parent when my PO and my counselor are around, but when it's just you and me? Please let's don't pretend. Just be yourself. There's nothing wrong with just being yourself.
Mom: I'm trying to change!
Teen: YOU don't have to change. I have to change and I am. There's nothing wrong with you. You talk to much maybe, but they want you to think that it's your fault I'm an addict. It's not your fault- you are alright as a Mom; you love me and you try to help me- you know, you bring me stuff that I need in here. Stuff that I can't get for myself. And I like that. I love you for looking out for me. I depend on you Mom. I need you to be yourself. Please! Be the Mom I need and love, not the stupid fake Mom they want you to be. They're trying to brainwash you! Hello! I can see right through their little plans. They aren't so smart. You should be able to see right though them too.
Of course it's one thing to heighten awareness but what should a parent follow-up with? Well the first business order is to admit the truth, if any, of what your teen is saying. Second, similarly but somewhat different, is to accept that your teen actually believes the things he is saying, even when it is not the truth.
The tendency for denial is strong in parenting in general (Not my child!) and especially strong when Chemical Dependency strikes a family. Even though we may no longer deny that our child has a problem we may continue to deny the extent of the changes that this disease has caused in our teenager. So, the first order of business is just to take a couple of deep breaths and admit that your situation is formidable, not hopeless by a long shot, but formidable.
Next, it's time for some verbal Jujitsu.
Jujutsu (柔術, jÅ«jutsu?)  listen (help·info), literally meaning the "art of softness", or "way of yielding" is a collective name for Japanese martial art styles including unarmed and armed techniques. Jujutsu evolved among the samurai of feudal Japan as a method for defeating an armed and armored opponent without weapons. Due to the ineffectiveness of striking against an armored opponent, the most efficient methods for neutralizing an enemy took the form of pins, joint locks, and throws. These techniques were developed around the principle of using an attacker's energy against him, rather than directly opposing it.
For example, in the last case scenario with the 17 year-old girl in placement. The mother does not have to be defensive. There is much to agree with the girl about. In fact, what the girl is saying is this: "I see that you are changing, it's hard to change, don't change, you can't change."
Mom: You know, you are right about a lot of this.
Teen: I know I'm right. You bet your ass I'm right, Mom how many other times have you tried to change who you are?
Mom: Yes, and it is very hard to change.
Teen: You can't. You really just want them to think you're this great parent.
Mom: Yes, I need their support. Your Probation Officer and your counselor are helping me.
Teen: Some help! With help from them we don't need enemies.
Mom: Another thing you said is important too. It's one thing for me to try to change while you're in here, but it's going to be my biggest challenge to not go back to my enabling role with you once you're released from here. I'm going to need a lot of help.
Teen: Stop talking that way. I told you! Your just a fake! That's not really who you are.
Mom: Yes, as I go through this, sometimes it feels like I'm a fake.
Teen: Well stop it.
Mom: When you first make changes, it doesn't feel real at first. Like I said, change is hard.
Teen: Just stop being a fake. I like the way you were before.
Mom: Well, yes, I'm sure you liked me before and nothing has changed about how much I love you. That part will never change.
Teen: I love you too Mom. It's so hard for me in here.
Mom: Oh honey, it's hard for me to see you in here.
Teen: Get me out of here! I've learned my lesson.
Mom: I know you've learned a lot already.
Teen: Then do it.
Mom: No
Teen: Oh you make me so mad.
Mom: Yes, I know I make you mad. And as I learn how not to enable you, you're going to be feeling that.
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The National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign has some excellent articles for parents. These are free for the download or you can order articles, posters, etc to be sent to you for free. Click here to see available resources. You have to really click around to appreciate all the various articles available. One that I particularly liked is "Online Exposure: Teens at Risk and Parents Disconnected." This is an E-guide for parents featuring Everything you need to know about social networking, net lingo, and viral video to better understand your teen's online habits. For example, I did not know that the following are lingo that teens use on line: Lingo to Warn of Parent Monitoring
POS Parent Over Shoulder PIR Parent In Room P911 Parent Alert PAW Parents Are Watching PAL Parents Are Listening Top 50 Internet Acronyms Parents should know
You can also use their search function at the top of the website to look up specific drugs or specific words that interest you.
As I mentioned in Part-One. The role-plays we did in group were designed to heighten awareness. Therefore, when I played each teenager I was not trying to say what I thought they might say. I was trying to say what I thought the Teen would say if he were being brutally honest. The next one is an 18 year-old teen.
Daughter: Mom, I'm so happy to be living back home.
Mom: I missed you. It's great to have you back.
Daughter: Oh you are the coolest Mom!
Daughter: And I'm so glad you didn't try some power-trip on me because I replapsed. You understand that relapse is part of recovery. I learned my lesson.
Mom: Well I hope so.
Daughter: Yeah, and you know, I'm glad you just gave me back my cell phone without a hassel- you know I need it- thanks Mom.
Mom: Well, we're going to talk about that...
Daughter: No, trust me - I like it that we don't have to have some "big talk." You trust me. You know I know how to handle myself and all. I'm really glad you kept my PO out of it. He doesn't understand like you do. All he knows is stuff he read in books, but you understand better what I'm going through.
Mom: He helped us a lot.
Daughter: Oh yeah, I needed his help once before, but not now. Like, I'm so happy you didn't sit me down and make me agree to some stupid contract- that's what I thought you would do- and really Mom, what's the point? I'm either going to get it right this time or I'm not, but no stupid contract that our PO comes up with is going to make a difference. And I'd have told you that I was going to follow a stupid contract, but really, I probably would have been lying.
Mom: We are going to have a contract, I meant to tell you that.
Daughter: What? Oh sure, like I'm going to follow some dumb contract! I'm almost 19. I'm not doing that.
Mom: Well you have to.
Daughter: How you figure?
Mom: I expect you to follow a contract if you're going to live here.
Daughter: Like what would be in it that I'm not doing now?
Mom: For one thing I don't want you going out with anybody I haven't met.
Daughter: You want to meet my new friend? He's not my Boyfriend. Why do you want to meet him?
Mom: I just do.
Daughter: Well I don't want you to. Just forget that. I'm not that into bringing home guys to meet you, that's all.
Mom: Well, if you plan to continue to live here- get into it!
Daughter: No way!
Mom: If you want to live here- you will.
Daughter: What? Are you going to throw me out just because I won't bring home my new friend?
Mom: Yes.
Daughter: Ha ha Mom. Get real. As long as I'm clean, and working, you are not going to throw me out. I don't know why you say idiotic things like that.
Mom: I mean it.
Daughter: Sure you do. Like I mean it when I say I'm going to be on American Idol. I kinda mean it - or I mean that I wish I could do it- but I know I'm not really ever going to do that.
Mom: You think you know me pretty well.
Daughter: Mom, apparently I know you better than you know you. But not to worry Mom. I won't let you down this time- I can stay clean this time- hey, relapse is part of recovery and I had to have at least one- I think it's made me a better person. Don't you?
Disclaimer: These are never exactly the way they happened in group. I never thought of that stuff about American Idol till right now but it fits. This role-play is inspired by the one we did in group. Have an idea or question after readin this? Leave a comment. If you are thinking it, other people are thinking it too. Thanks very much to the parent who provided this scenario.
http://www.wikihow.com/Image:30thdinner---now-listen-4945.jpg
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 A behavioral health recovery-focused conference sponsored by Community Care. This conference, intended for individuals interested in behavioral health issues including consumers and their families, providers, administrative and clinical staff from county and state agencies, and other behavioral health stakeholders, will look at the future of mental health services in a recovery-focused environment.
Featured speakers include Raymond Cho, MD, Assistant Professor, Psychiatry and Psychology, University of Pittsburgh, and Patricia Valentine, Deputy Director, Allegheny County Department of Human Services, Office of Behavioral Health. Workshops in three tracks (Treatment, Outcomes, and Leadership and Development) will focus on topics such as recovery-oriented treatment plans, ways to move recovery-oriented services forward, developing a support system, and peer support.
Click here to download a copy of the brochure and registration page.
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I am a mother in a Middle-America, double income family that consists of my husband of 30 years, my daughter age 27 and my son age 21. I grew up in the inner city where I met my future husband in high school; we married after college and moved to the suburbs to start our family. This is the story of my son's drug addiction that started in his teenage years told in six parts.
I describe the events leading to my realization that I had lost my teenager to drugs and the steps I took to cope with that realization, get my son help, and rebuild my family with our new adult son in drug recovery. I am offering my story to help raise the awareness of the teen drug problem, to help destroy the stereotype of the drug addiction as being an inner city issue, and to share some of the lessons I have learned with the hope that they may benefit you and your family.
“So my son is a drug addict. He will hopefully always be an addict living in drug recovery, but he will always be a drug addict. He hopefully will never again be an actively-using drug addict, but he will never be a used-to-be drug addict. He will always be a drug addict and I must accept that. “ There are many memories that we have never shared with our teenager, high school memories, memories about their friends, and friends that never were. However, I think some memories are harder than others. My son played hockey, and for me those memories are the ones I miss the most. I think it will always be hard to accept these missing hockey memories. Some of the other missing memories will eventually be replaced with new ones. My son’s high school commencement that never happened will hopefully be replaced with his university commencement, and I can get his “senior” pictures then. Maybe even have that party. But there will always be a void where the hockey memories should have been. A few weeks ago my son was discussing other possibilities for universities, and one had a hockey team. And before I could catch myself I heard my words say to him…“Maybe you can play hockey again?” And he reiterated over and over again, “Mom, my hockey is over. I will never play again. You must accept that……I had too!”
Yes, he had too. He had to let go of his teen years, of his dreams that drugs had stolen from him. His drug addiction didn’t allow him to be a teenager and he had to accept that he could not recapture those teen years. They were gone forever. My son will never experience being teenager and I will never share those years with him. They belong to his past now and he gave them away to drugs.
So regardless of how hard things are for us parents to accept those years that are lost, it is harder for our children. I once asked my son about the years he spent doing drugs and if he considered writing down some of his memories so that others could understand. He said that he couldn’t, because he can’t remember much. And after a few days of thinking about this comment, I began to realize how sad this statement is, so very sad. His teen years, that should have been some of the best of his life, can be capsulated in the simple statement, “I can’t remember much.” At the young age of 21, his drug use represents about 40% of his life, of which he has little to no memory. His teen years that should have cultivated his future, his dreams, and his adulthood were lost, because he can’t remember much. And it will be this statement that will paint his reflections of his teen years forever, “I can’t Mom, because I don’t remember much.”
As his mother, this is too much to take in; That his teen years to him are almost non-existent. In recent weeks, he and I have talked about all that we have missed and his comments indicate how he didn’t know much at the time either. He didn’t know that it was his birthday, that his why he wasn’t home. He didn’t know that it was Christmas, and that is why he still left for the day. He often didn’t know what day it was, in fact, I know there were times he didn’t know what month it was. That is how he will remember his teen years and it won’t be much.
What little my son will remember about his teen years will be of his drug use; For he spent his time with his drugs. He didn't spend time with the family. And he didn't spend time with me. It was drugs that he shared his life with. It wasn't me. It was drugs that influenced him. It certainly wasn't me. It was drugs that had a relationship with my teenage son … and it most certainly wasn't me! It was drugs that stole away my little boy, and they claimed his teen years. Now those years are over and we will never have them back. I will never have a relationship with my teenage son. He is gone. But what is truer is that my teenage son wasn’t really ever here, he never really was, and he never will be.
And I really do know why I picture my son as 9 years old. It was at that age where his height still placed him just below my chin. So when I hugged him, he was a good fit against my body and I would rest my chin on the top of his head while I teased him that he wasn’t permitted to grown any more, so that I could hug him like this forever. And he would laugh and say he would try, just for me. I always wanted to be able to submerge him into my arms where I believed I could protect him and keep him safe. I wouldn’t let anything hurt my son.
But I did. I did not or could not protect him from drugs and they claimed my teenager. And I certainly could not save him, no matter how hard I tried to protect his life. I wanted so much to believe that I could reclaim his teen years and give them back to him on a sliver platter as if the drug use never happened. And I failed at that too. I did allow something to hurt him. To hurt him very badly, and I still want to grab my little boy, hold him close and make it all go away. To turn back time and take those demons of drug addiction from him; To give him back his teen years and those dreams that he lost. If only I could change it so he was no longer an addict, like the drugs never existed. But I can’t now and I couldn’t stop it then. I was never able to stop it.
So my son is a drug addict. He will hopefully always be an addict living in drug recovery, but he will always be a drug addict. He hopefully will never again be an actively-using drug addict, but he will never be a used-to-be drug addict. He will always be a drug addict and I must accept that. He is not that 9 year-old little boy anymore. I will never be able to re-do those years and I would never have been able to stop this from happening. I cannot take this cross from him, and he must bear it for a lifetime. And I must deal with the void in my arms that my 9-year-old son has left, and accept the reality that this is all that remains of my teenage son.
End of Part 3. Come back next week for Part 4.
A brief preview of next week:
“My so-called guidance that I inflicted upon my son was really enabling his addiction, because I was there to save him from the harsh reality of recovery. I didn’t understand that the road into and through recovery is brutal. … and most of all; I didn’t want to believe that it had to be me that brought this bottom (of the road) to him. “
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We took a break after the brief updates. When we returned I challenged each family to allow me to role-play their teen while they played the parents. This time our goal was to heighten awareness. I asked people to hold off on comments or questions until I had role-played each family. We had eight parents representing six families.
I explained to everyone that I was not going to necessarily say the things that their teen would say. Instead, I was attempting to say what their teen would say if he were being honest. As it turned out, this is what teens might say if they were brutally honest. You might think of this as a "what if your teen really sees things this way" role-play!
Sometimes I feel that even though we have come a long way with our teens we still suffer from some denial. We still have trouble seeing the naked truth, the way it really is without the benefit of the doubt that we always give our teenagers.
At this point I expect some of you readers are asking, "How would you know what our teens are really thinking? Can you read their minds?" Well no, of course I can't read minds. However, I can read behavior. Paying attention to behavior is a better way to read people than paying attention to what they say. Still, I would be the first to admit that I can be wrong. Even if I am off a bit on one or two of the teens, I can present a side of things that a parent should consider.
One parent said this to me after the exercise: "As you were going around the room role-playing with the other families, it's real easy to see what's going on with the other families. The tough thing is to see what's going on in my family." Yes, when it comes to our own families, we have blinders on. When it comes to other families we see clearly. What we hope is that we can see our own situation in other peoples.
18 yr-old son: You guys need to stop.
Father: Stop what?
18 yr-old son: Stop trying to wake me up for school.
Mother: You need your education- you're almost graduated.
18 yr-old son: Yeah, but I don't care about school- I don't really need an education.
Father: You need to finish school because we say you need to finish school.
18 yr-old son: Well I'm not going to do it.
Father: Then we'll put you out.
18 yr-old son: Oh yeah, that'll happen.
Father: It will happen- you just watch.
18 yr-old son: Are you high?
Father: What are you talking about?
18 yr-old son: You seriously think that she [pointing at Mom] is going to let you throw me out? That's not going to happen.
Father: Really?
18 yr-old son: Really. There is no way she is going to let you throw me out. I know that. Mom
knows that. And Dad, you know that too, so why do you even say stupid things like that?
Mom: You might push us to do it.
18 yr-old son: Yeah, right, sure. Listen, you guys can't even let Lloyd sanction me at the Academy. You know you keep telling him not to do that. All I have to do is threaten to run away and you guys can't let him do that. And you never take my car off of me even though you own it. And I still have my cell phone. So, when I see you can't do anything to hold me accountable I sure as hell know that you aren't going to throw me out- so please for all our benefits- just stop it. I'm embarrassed for you both.
[silence]
18 yr-old son: See, look at it this way. You made me give up drugs. And I lost all my friends, but I gave up drugs. Now you want to control everything. Sorry! You won on the drugs thing and I got 17 months clean, but I resent that you are making me finish High School. I work. I do fine. You guys need to stop trying to wake me up - and hey, if you don't then I'm going to really start being a night mare for you in the morning. You ain't seen nothing yet!
Father: Oh I believe that!
I'm going to stop here and save the other role-plays for part-two of this post. As always, role-plays written in this blog are inspired by the ones we do in group but they are never the exact role-plays. Special thanks to the parents who provided this scenario.
Let me end this post with the following: If you have a rule you must enforce it. If for any reason it is not possible to enforce it then get rid of it.
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I am a mother in a Middle-America, double income family that consists of my husband of 30 years, my daughter age 27 and my son age 21. I grew up in the inner city where I met my future husband in high school; we married after college and moved to the suburbs to start our family. This is the story of my son's drug addiction that started in his teenage years told in six parts.
I describe the events leading to my realization that I had lost my teenager to drugs and the steps I took to cope with that realization, get my son help, and rebuild my family with our new adult son in drug recovery. I am offering my story to help raise the awareness of the teen drug problem, to help destroy the stereotype of the drug addiction as being an inner city issue, and to share some of the lessons I have learned with the hope that they may benefit you and your family.
“And at that moment I knew it was over. … The hockey player that lived in my son’s soul had died. And my son’s dreams died with him. And that realization began to rush over me leaving a hole in my life that will never be filled. “
When dealing with a teenage drug addict, you will find many typical teenage events that never happen and many memories that will never be. And regardless of how much we try to force them to be, they still will never be. And there are still many more memories that are painful and we would rather forget.
However, there is one memory that remains very poignant in my thoughts. One very painful memory that stays with me like it happened yesterday. A memory that starts well, leads to a catastrophic event, and ends with a very painful but enlightening evening. That memory seems to never leave, remains very vivid, and sneaks in at arbitrary moments of my life.
My son’s hockey coach is a wonderful man and he cultivates a relationship among the players by taking them on social events. So this memory starts with him and the last event my son attended with the team. It was a baseball game to kick-off the new hockey season. However, my son was late and he missed his ride to the park; because he was trying to score dope, and he was successful. However on this night, one bag of heroin was not enough. He bought two, got himself to the park…late, and took it before he entered the park. He quickly began to crash. The two bags of heroin were too much for him. He collapsed, and it was obvious to the team that he was over dosing. His coach cradled him like a baby, kept him conscious, and worked him through to stability. He stayed with my son as other team fathers stayed with the other players. My son did survive this night, but it was the beginning of the end of any hope that my son will live his teen years as they were supposed to be.
And then there was the aftermath. There were two members of the hockey board that were not happy with these events and yielded many threats to the coach for their interpretation of the events; Also threats of the police and school officials to my son. The later was almost humorous at this point. As if they didn’t already know my son, or I really didn’t have them on speed dial on my cell phone already. And I almost laughed when the threat was given. But regardless, this was an ugly scene. How would my son recover from this and still play hockey?
You see, that was the mode that I was still in at this point with regard to coping with my son’s addiction. I was still trying to hold his life together and minimize the damage his drug use was causing. I still believed that he was not an addict. That he would work through this experiment of his, recapture his life, and we would all live happily ever after as it was supposed to be. But this was a disaster. I had to soon realize that he was not going to recapture his life; that his teen years were not going to proceed as if his drug use never happened; That our lives are not going to be like they were supposed to be and that my son was an addict. And I would start to realize that now.
Within a couple of days, there was a parents meeting; Just a general meeting to discuss the beginning of the hockey season and start the typical planning that parents do. I received a few personal phone calls of support to ensure that I would be there, and it is the memory of this meeting that is the poignant memory that feels like yesterday.
Just about everyone was there, including most of the players. And there was excitement in everybody’s voices for the season that was about to start. When we parents started to discuss the business of the team, I could not shake the hope that maybe they really did not know my son was using drugs, but my inability to cope with their knowledge of the events was more the reality rather than any hope that they didn’t know.
The typical hockey politics begin the discussion and the event at the ballpark was soon the topic. There was no doubt the extent of their knowledge of my son’s behavior and I was overwhelmed with the shame of the stigma. How could my son have behaved in this way? And yes, I was also still in the mode of addressing my son’s problem as a behavior problem, a discipline problem, and I was still in disbelief that this was happening to my son, to my family….to me. It just wasn’t supposed to be this way! This type of coarse lifestyle just does not happen in my family.
However, at that moment it all came crashing down. There I was sitting in this kitchen with a house full of people as they openly discussed my son’s drug induced collapse at the ballpark. I was crushed with the guilt of his actions and with the ignominy that he had brought the street life of drug use into this protected world and brutally displayed it before their children.
And at that moment I knew it was over. And I ached in a manner that I never had before. My son survived yet another close call due to his drug use that night at the ballpark, but a part of my son’s life had died that night. He used to be one of the better hockey players in the region and coaches approached him. However, his drug use was pushing his hockey ability into a past tense of used-to-be, but it was this night that sealed it as a never-again. The hockey player that lived in my son’s soul had died. And my son’s dreams died with him. And that realization began to rush over me leaving a hole in my life that will never be filled. This emptiness filled me as I began to realize that I had just lost everything that was there before me in this kitchen. These people; Their friendships; These players; Their Moms; Our team; And my son’s dreams. They were no longer a part of my life. This major piece of my existence that cultivated these dreams for my son was evaporating, and I could not stop it.
But the next thing that rushed over me was the awareness of their unbelievable support. It took a while for it to sink in, but their support was elevating. They cared about my son, they were concerned for my son, and they were standing by him. When I look back on it today, they had a better understanding of this situation more so than I did. They believed he was a good kid that was sick. They knew it was not a discipline problem. They knew my son needed help. They knew he was an addict, that he had a disease. They knew more than I was willing to admit at the time. And they made me feel like I still belonged.
However, I knew that it had ended. This would be the last time I would sit with these parents as a part of this team. I would no longer be a Hockey Mom and these Hockey Moms would no longer be a part of my life. And my son would never play hockey again. I would not see my son play his last game of high school hockey, because he already had. I just didn’t notice. And there would not be a senior night for my son, because he would not be there. And neither would I. The hockey player that I knew as my son was gone, and a piece of me was leaving with him. And neither would ever return.
To this very day, years later, I still see their faces of that night like it was yesterday. I can still hear their voices; see the boys walk to and from the refrigerator, feel myself sitting in that kitchen, and seeing the interactions of the players with their parents, and wanted that so badly for me and my son. And I still can see the Mom whose kitchen it was and I can still hear her words of encouragement as I stood in the door to leave. And I still miss them all, even though the years have separated them. And still miss this hockey team, even though these players have moved onto into adulthood and this team is no longer. Surely I have not seen my son play his last game. I cannot accept that to this day, and I still wait for the next season; To get the game schedule and mark the calendar, to learn where we are going for the tournaments and schedule vacation. I still have a hard time letting this go; to accept yet another empty memory; A memory that will never be.
End of Part 2. Come back next week for Part 3
A brief preview of next week:
“So my son is a drug addict. He will hopefully always be an addict living in drug recovery, but he will always be a drug addict. He hopefully will never again be an actively-using drug addict, but he will never be a used-to-be drug addict. He will always be a drug addict and I must accept that. “
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The conclusion of our Five-part series: We continue with the last role-play from part IV.
The Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate Parents: Part I.
Approaches To Dealing With Teen Lying: Part II.
Guilting the Parent: Part III.
Doing Good Temporarily- Just to get privileges back- Part-IV
Teen: It’s like you’re giving me the bread, but you’re not giving me the peanut butter and jelly!
Me: I love it that you use analogies. You can really express yourself well. But look it- you find the peanut butter and Jelly yourself.
Teen: Where?
Me: Look inside.
Teen: When can I expect to have some of my privileges back?
Me: When we feel like we can start to trust you.
Teen: When is that and how can I get that trust?
Me: It would help if you took your recovery program seriously.
Teen: Then, if I start to go to meetings again, when can I expect to get back my privileges?
Me: When I feel like I can start trust you.
Teen: When is that?
Me: I don’t know but as long as I see you pushing like this, it makes me feel less and less like I can trust you.
Teen: What is that supposed to mean?
Me: Well, I don’t really think you feel any remorse for what you did.
Teen: I do. See, you just ALWAYS see the negative side of what I do. I could use more encouragement.
Me:Yes, I suppose you could use more support. You know, you could have killed someone through your drinking and driving…
Teen: I don't think so.
Me: ?So you think you can drive safe after drinking?
Teen: I wasn't that drunk, I could still drive.
Me: I'm glad you are telling the truth about how you feel about it. That's what I mean when I say you feel no remors. You don't think that what you did was that bad really.
Teen: [glaring again]
Me: Right now you could be in Jail for Manslaughter or Vehicular Homicide. If that happened you wouldn't be pushing us to restore your privileges when we’re not ready. Also, [holding up hand in the universal stop traffic sign] I would hope that you had started going to meetings not just because that’s the way to get your privileges back, but because you realized that you could have killed someone over a relapse. But you see, that’s not what’s happening here is it?
Teen: If you don’t give me something to work for then I’m just going to give up and go back to doing whatever I can get away with. You’re kinda forcing me to do that; you know that don’t you?
Me: Thank you.
Teen: For what?
Me: You just helped me understand why I’m having so much trouble feeling the trust thing come back.
Teen: Why [glaring]?
Me: Cause if you are that ready to go back to getting away with whatever, then you aren’t feeling any remorse. You’re just feeling –angry, angry with us, like you’re really the victim here.
Teen: I didn’t say that. You’re putting words in my mouth.
Me: And if you’re that ready to return to your old ways, then I have no business putting trust in you.
Teen: [Glares.]
Me: I just wanted to thank you for being honest and I don’t mean that in a facetious way. You don’t feel any remorse or guilt for drinking, for violating your contract with us, or for putting others at risk over your drinking and driving. You’re just feeling angry and you just want your privileges back, cause let’s face it- you had it made! We trusted you. We trusted you to drive. We trusted you to make good use of a cell phone. We trusted you to only contact peers that were on your approved contact list. We recognized the good things you had done and we rewarded you for it. But things have changed; we don’t feel that now, not me, and from what your mother tells me, not her either. So, you deal with that the best way you can. You have lost our trust. Deal with it.
Teen: [glaring]
Analysis: When something like the above happens, the tension is so thick that everyone is uncomfortable. Everyone wants the situation resolved and as quickly as possible. But consider this. Your teen wants it resolved even more than you do. Or at least that should be the way it is. After all, you still have your car, your cell phone, etc. Now is the time to make the impact that you have wanted to make. Now is not the time to go soft, for by doing that we allow ourselves to be manipulated once again.
We all want to make an impact. How do we know that our message is being heard by our teen? Sometimes, we know that they hear us because they glare at us. They threaten us. They guilt us. They give us the silent treatment. They yell at us. They are angry at us. So they hear us. Finally, they hear us. That's a start.
A few days later, after this teen got caught by his mother with yet another shady suspicious deal, he called me to say this:
Teen: Listen; I just wanted you to know. I found my Peanut Butter and Jelly.
Me: You did?
Teen: Yes, I was so stupid.
Me: What do you mean?
Teen: Well, I had everything. I had the car, the phone, and my mother’s trust. Now I’ve been treating her like sh&t and I’m not getting anywhere. I know how to build trust back; I’ve got to be the best kid I can be, like I used to be. Well, I’m going to show her and you that I can do that again. I’m going to go to meetings again because I know that’s where I need to be. Eventually, you guys will see that I can be trusted, and I’ll wait till you're both ready. I just wanted you to know, that I get it now and I’m going to showing you both that I’m really changing.
Me: OK, well thanks for telling me that. I’m really glad to hear that you are seeing things this way.
[Silence.]
Me: OK, we’ll be in touch- you just keep it up then. Oh and what about that therapist you said you can’t talk to, you know they guy you don’t like?
Teen: I’m going to give him a chance. I think it’s more me- not him. I was just trying to control things.
Me: OK, call me soon and let me know how that is going.
Teen: OK, later.
Analysis: Has he changed now or has he just finally just figured out what we want to hear? Time will tell. It’s important what he says, but it’s much more important to see if can follow-through with all this.
I know for many readers, this may bring up more questions than answers. Everything in an interaction can’t be recorded in a role-play and there are different sides to consider. But always give importance to your gut feelings. I started to feel better about this young man after that last interaction because I think if he has figured out what we want to him to say at least he is hearing our message. And it is important that he says these things without pushing for privileges back. Now let’s see if he can follow-though with anything. So far, this story is still continuing...
To summarize: we know that the biggest thing teens do to manipulate us is to lie. And yet, we often fail to point out to them the biggest consequence for lying: even when you are telling the truth we will probably not believe you.
When lies fail the teen is likely to revert to the second most effective way to manipulate us: make us feel guilty. They know us and they know us well. Therefore, they can make us feel the guilt like nobody else. When we allow ouselves to succumb to the guilt we allow ouselves to be manipulated.
When guilting us fails to achieve the desired effect, teens tend to revert to the third most effective way to manipulate us. They do good for a while so as to make us belive that they have changed. Of course, some teen really do change and we feel guilty when we don't restore privileges right away. Once again, we allow ourselves to be manipulated when we restore privilges back to soon especially if they are pushing us to do so. This becomes a double problem because when we give in to soon they also learn that by nagging and pushing us we will falter and restore the privileges back even though we really don't feel like we can trust them.
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I am a mother in a Middle-America, double income family that consists of my husband of 30 years, my daughter age 27 and my son age 21. I grew up in the inner city where I met my future husband in high school; we married after college and moved to the suburbs to start our family. This is the story of my son's drug addiction that started in his teenage years told in six parts.
I describe the events leading to my realization that I had lost my teenager to drugs and the steps I took to cope with that realization, get my son help, and rebuild my family with our new adult son in drug recovery. I am offering my story to help raise the awareness of the teen drug problem, to help destroy the stereotype of the drug addiction as being an inner city issue, and to share some of the lessons I have learned with the hope that they may benefit you and your family.
“So, when you think about your teenager or young adult drug addict, think for a second, how old is he? Of course, you know your child’s age. However, I am referring to that split-second between when you think of your child and when you remember his actual age. ." Part One
If you have a teenager that has a problem with drugs, you are probably consumed with his drug addiction. In fact, you have probably been consumed with his addiction for years. Most, if not all, of your energy and focus have been on your addicted teenager and his drug abuse. You and your family have not had much time to enjoy the typical things that teenagers do. In fact, you probably have no happy memories of the teen years of your drug-addicted child. And you have not had that typical parent / teenager relationship that you so much needed. You have not experienced being a parent of a typical teenager and you have not shared in all those events with your teenager that you just assumed would happen.
So, when you think about your teenager or young adult drug addict, think for a second, how old is he? Of course, you know your child’s age. However, I am referring to that split-second between when you think of your child and when you remember his actual age.
Let's do a little exercise. Sit back. Relax and take a deep breath. Now think about your child and try to force the image into slow motion. Now notice him for the first split-second.
What does he look like? And ... how old is he?
My son is 21 years old. That’s the reality. He is a recovering heroin addict and has spent time in behavior modification programs, drug rehabs, and halfway houses since he was 17 till he was 20 years old. He is a grown man now, living in Miami. He attends the University of Miami, does well in school, has his own apartment, has a job, and pays all of his own bills. And there is no sign of drug use. He doesn't do everything that he has been taught in recovery, but he does some of those things and is learning what recovery means to him. He is making some mistakes, none serious at this point, and he is building a new life for himself. He remains healthy, looks great, has a plan for his future, and we are very proud of him.
However, when I think of my son, for that split second before I remember that he is 21 years old, he is only 9 years old. There is a part of me that still sees him as a 9 year old little boy, and there is a piece of the mother deep inside of me that needs him to be 9 years old still. I don't know why it is 9 years old. I would think that logically it should be 13 years old, because that is when his drug use started. Or maybe 14 years old, because that was the last, and only, typical teenage event that he attended. That was when he went to homecoming during his freshman year in high school with his girlfriend from a neighboring school district. Or maybe 16 years old, because that was the last time he played varsity ice hockey. However, these events are plagued with the typical disasters that we all are familiar with and know is evitable with their drug use. So I guess it is understandable why I do not want to remember these moments. So for me, I picture my son as a 9 year-old.
I still need my son to be 9 years old, because I am still waiting for all those teenage things that have yet to happen. I am still waiting for a relationship with my teenage son. Helping him with high school projects, driving him to school because he missed the bus, talking about his friends, a girlfriend, seeing him at school events, helping him pick a suit for the prom, having those special moments with him when everyone else has gone to bed, hanging his senior pictures by his sister’s, talking to him about who to invite to his graduation party and watching him grow into a man. I picture myself spending time with him talking about life, talking about what he wants from life, spending weekends with him visiting universities, and watching him begin to realize his dreams. I am still waiting for those moments. And I continue to search my memory for these events, but they never happened. How can he be 21 years old?
And how can he be a man? He was just a little boy for his last family birthday party, at least the last one that I remember fondly … the last one that I remember easily. He was just a little boy for that birthday party. When I think of celebrating my son’s birthday, the picture that comes to my mind is that of my little boy blowing out the candles of his birthday cake on our back deck on the 4th of July. I have no easy memories of a birthday party with him as a teenager. In fact, I was often concerned about inviting the family for his birthday, because I was never sure he would be home. I never knew when his drug use would take him away from home, for a few hours or a few days. So, I stopped inviting the family. I have no good memories of my son’s birthdays during his teen years, and it is getting to the point that I will have no such memories at all. How can he be 21 years old? What happened to all those other birthday parties?
Certainly he cannot be attending college already! I have yet to attend his high school commencement! Our township just built a new Community Center, and we are planning to have his graduation party there. He plays on the High School ice-hockey team, so we will have many people to invite. I still need to plan for this party, determine the final invitee list, decide on the food, music, get the decorations together, order a cake, etc., etc, etc. There are so many things left to do.!
But wait! He has already graduated high school. He did so in placement. He was not home, and we were not there. There are no senior pictures; there were no graduation parties, and no friends to whom to say “congratulations.” Yet, my mind still waits for his commencement celebration. My mind still plans for his graduation party and my mind still waits to select his senior picture. I continue to slip back into these unfinished memories and a piece of me still expects them to happen.
To this day, years after he graduated high school, I still find it painful to attend an event at the Community Center. We should have been able to celebrate our son’s graduation, but he didn’t graduate from our school district. We should have been able to have the party I was planning, but he wasn’t home when he graduated. This just wasn’t supposed to be this way! And it still is physically painful when I remember how it truly was, and realize how it will never be.
And he certainly cannot be finished playing hockey! There are many games left, many play-off games left, and championship games yet to play. I have not seen his last game. That can’t be possible! And I have yet to attend his Senior Night at the High School hockey rink, because my son has yet to be a senior on the team. I haven't attended any of those planning meetings where all of us Moms plan a tribute to our seniors, when one of those seniors is my son. And where have these Moms been? I have missed them.
However, my son certainly is finished playing hockey and was so much too early. He has lost that special relationship that occurs when you are part of team, but I have lost that special relationship with all the mothers of the players. We were a special team too, and I miss that. I miss that ‘Mom’ time before the game, the excitement of watching our boys play as we all cheer together in the stands, spending weekends with the Moms as the team participates in tournaments, planning team dinners, working with all the parents for the team banquet, and many more countless events. There are many things that I have missed, many people that I still miss, and many memories that I still wait for. But these memories will never be.
My mind is full with so many memories that will never be; regardless of how much I try to force them to be, they still will never be.
End of Part 1 - Come back to read part two next week
A brief preview of next week...
“And at that moment I knew it was over. … The hockey player that lived in my son’s soul had died. And my son’s dreams died with him. And that realization began to rush over me leaving a hole in my life that will never be filled. “
Editors Note; With Lori's permission we are reprinting this six-part series that originally started on this blog on 1-29-08. If you are a parent who would like to tell your story please let us know. (click here for part 2)
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Doing good temporarily (just to get privileges back.) This is the fourth of a five-part series. So far we’ve talked about the manipulative techniques of lying and guilting, and we gave examples of how to deal with it. This week we talk about the idea of Doing Good Temporarily (just to get privileges back.)
Part 4 Doing good temporarily (just to get privileges back.)
Here’s the problem in another way. If your teen starts to do the right thing you may feel that you owe them the return of his privileges. And you may feel guilty if you don’t comply with his expectations. Stop! You are feeling guilty again. And your teen is maneuvering for that effect. Remember, that is the Second Most Effective Way for Teens to Manipulate Parents. (See part-three of this series.)
You can reinforce your teen for doing the right thing without giving away the farm. Don’t feel that you have to restore all privileges all at once. Trust your instincts. Then, when your teen expects you to come up with a reason for not trusting him, when he has now cleaned out the basement or in some other way worked diligently to show how deserving he is, let him know that you are struggling with the trust thing. Let him know that you take responsibility for this but you just are Not Comfortable with returning his privileges yet.
Well now he may want to know just how long he has to keep doing good before he gets his privileges back. Tell him you don’t know. Tell him you are working on that. Tell him you will get back to him. But let him know that YOU REALLY APPRECIATE THE EFFORT HE IS MAKING. That’s the reinforcement.
Teen: I’ve done so good this week!
Parent: I know- I’m impressed and I’m very proud of you.
Teen: Then, why can’t I go out?
Parent: I’m NOT COMFORTABLE with that- sorry.
Teen: What do I have to do so that you feel comfortable?
Parent: Good question! Boy you know just how to go to the heart of the matter- I like that!
Teen: Well?
Parent: I might not have the answer that you want to hear.
Teen: Just tell me- quit beating around the bush.
Teen: OK, fair enough. I’m not comfortable with you going out right now- it’s a trust thing- the best thing you can do is just accept that I’m not feeling it yet. Don’t push me, OK?
Teen: That’s not fair.
Parent: You’re right. In many ways that is not fair.
Teen: Oh so this is the big pay-back?
Parent: Well, I didn’t think of it like that but now that you mentioned it- yeah I guess there is a certain amount of that going on- and I’m sure to you it feels like the big payback.
Teen: You’re messing with me.
Parent: Well, look, there are consequences for what we do and sometimes that feels like a big pay back. I’m Not Comfortable with you going out. I’m just not feeling guilty about that right now; if that's what you're trying to make me feel-do your worst.
Now at this point, his willingness to give you some time to work out the trust thing might be a good barometer as to how much changing he has done and also how much remorse he feels for what he has done. If he is really pushy, the barometer is pointing to “Not too much changing done.” If he is patient with you, continues to do the right thing, then the barometer might be pushing the other way.
the barometer is also pushing the wrong way if your Teen begins to make threatening statements, such as:
Teen: Well, if I do all this to show you that I’m changing, and you won’t give me anything back, then what am I doing all this for? I might as well go back to doing drugs if you aren’t going to give me anything when I do good.
Ok, this is not a good sign. If you restore any privileges to this teenager after he threatens you, then you have just taught your teen that threatening is a good way for him to get what he wants off of you. That is a dangerous lesson to teach and it will insure that he has the power in the future, not you.
Here’s an example of a teen that is grounded and not even allowed to go to 12-step meetings with his peers. His parents are responsible for all transportation to and from meetings. This followed a relapse. He also lost his cell phone that had (what seemed) to be a million texts in it, much of it of a suspicious nature. And finally, he lost the use of his car. Yes, he had earned a lot and he found out that after driving home in his car with alcohol on his breath, he lost it all. Considering that he might have killed someone drinking and driving, he got off light.
A month later he still has not had privileges restored. He has been restricted from going to meetings with friends because trust has run out. The following role-play involves the teen, me as his Probation Officer, and his therapist.
Teen: When can I start going to meetings with my friends?
Me: Not yet.
Teen: I thought this meeting was about restoring some of my privileges.
Me: Yes, I said that we would look at that today.
Teen: Well that was a lie.
Me: You think I lied to you and I should feel guilty about that?
Teen: Yeah, you said that if I did good that I would be able to start going to meetings with my friends.
Me: I did?
Teen: You said I couldn’t get that privilege back until this meeting.
Me: I guess I did say something about that, you’re right there!
Teen: So?
Me: Well, I have a problem with this, I’m sorry if you feel mislead.
Teen: What problem, I’ve done what I was supposed to do.
Me: I am having trouble trusting you.
Teen: Well, if you don’t give me a chance, how am I going to show you that you can trust me?
Me: Well I feel that I have given you a chance but I can see that you don’t think so- let me explain. Hold on. Have you been going to 12-step meetings?
Teen: Yeah.
Me: When is the last one you went to?
Teen: I don’t know. What is this all about?
Me: Well, I’m disappointed because your Mom told me that she offers to take you to meetings, and you have been refusing to go.
Teen: She doesn’t want to take me.
Me: That is not the way I hear it.
Teen: Well that’s the truth.
Me: Ok, well your In-home Family Therapist tells me that she has offered to take you to meetings too, but you have refused.
Teen: I don’t want to be “taken” to meetings; I want to go with my friends. Look, I’m ready to go back to meetings, I really am ready to start over, but you have to give me something back first, you know to make it worth my while.
Me: Well that’s a problem.
Teen: Why?
Me: I’m not feeling the trust. And I know from talking to your Mom that she is not feeling the trust either. You seem to just want to get out of the house, maybe to contact your friends that you were drinking with- I don’t know really, but I know this: I’m not comfortable restoring any of your privileges yet.
Teen: Then you shouldn’t say that you were going to.
Me: Ok, listen carefully ok? I [pause] said [pause] that [pause] we [pause] would [pause] look [pause] at [pause] restoring [pause] some [pause] of [pause] your [pause] privileges.
Teen: Well you shouldn’t have said it that way because I got my hopes up.
Me: OK, this is the Second Most Effective Way that Teens manipulate adults. Do you remember when we talked about that?
Teen: Sort of.
Me: Well, you are trying to make me feel guilty for how I am saying things to you- this is all starting to be about how to make me feel guilty, not about you doing what you are supposed to do be doing.
Teen: I just don’t feel that you are giving me anything to work towards, you know, you always point out how badly I’m doing, never telling me any good stuff. Do you even know that I’ve been cleaning the house for my mom? Do you even care? You know you could give me some encouragement, a pat on the back, something like that. That would be a better way to work with someone like me.
Me: OK, this is what I’m talking about. This is all becoming about me. About the way I say things, or about the way I don’t say the things you would like to hear. What you are doing is trying to make me feel guilty. I’m [pause] on [pause] to [pause] you. I see what you are doing. I don’t feel guilty. And I suggest that you start looking more at what you are doing, and what you are not doing, and stop spending so much time worrying about the way me or your mom are doing things. Just stop it. It’s not working anymore.
Silence (silence can be golden- this was one of those moments.)
[Due to the length of this last post, we have split it up into two parts. So, we have one more post coming soon on the Top Three Ways Teens manipulate parents. It will be the Fifth and final of the series]
The Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate Parents: Part I.
Approaches To Dealing With Teen Lying: Part II.
Guilting the Parent: Part III.
Conclusion: The Top Three Ways To Manipulate Part V
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No meeting this Saturday:
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, January 25, 2009
It's the Fifth Saturday in the month. We meet the First and Third and Eastern and the Second and Fourth at the Alliance Office.
Type rest of the post here
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How do you give your teen the bottom line? Does it matter? Let your teen know you really mean it by using good strong body language. How you say it matters as much as what you say...
Keep these tips in mind when you have something important to say to your teen.
1. Stay calm. If you over react and start to yell and explode at your teenager then that does no good and that puts your teenager in a power place as he can easily point at your behavior as problematic. If you feel enraged, make sure you calm down before you approach him. Talk slow, lower your voice, and even take deep slow breaths. Do not allow anything he says to cause you to escalate your pitch and cause you to start yelling.
1. Good eye contact. He cannot take you seriously if you don't look him in the eye.
2. Use your hands to gesture. Use your hands but not in a threatening way. Shrug and extend your hands out in with open palms, not threatening, yet definitely not passive. It means you mean business.
3. Be the dominant speaker. Move closer to him. Even if it is only a half-inch, move towards him when you speak. This establishes territoriality, something that we understand on different level. It means you're the one in charge. You will feel the difference. If you are afraid that he will react and hurt you- then don't do this. On the other hand, if you are that afraid of him you may need to consider what's written on other posts. For example, read this. Usually, he will react in one of two ways to your assertive body language.
A. He will back up so that he is more comfortable with the distance. That's good. This symbolizes that he accepts your dominance. He may do this and at the same time say, "Get out of my fu$%^&g face. That is still good, just don't get out of his fu$%^&g face and you maintain your dominance. If you back up when he says that then you have admitted that he is dominant. That's not helpful unless you want him to be your boss. On the other hand, there is no need to keep moving in because now you have established that you are dominant.
B. He may not move backwards at all. He might stay right in your face. A Standoff. That's not as good but you can work with that. He is no doubt feeling uncomfortable but his instincts tell him that if he backs away he looses what he so desperately wants: control of your house. Keep eye contact and depending on how much of his space you took, move in a wee bit closer. If he maintains then this is going to be very uncomfortable but holding your position helps maintain your dominance. One good thing is that when you are that close to another person it is hard to yell, so if he was yelling at you before you moved in, chances are good that he has stopped that.
Restate you position while you hold the line. Use a calm voice and slowly keep repeating your position, e.g., "Never do drugs in the house. I will call the police if you ever use drugs in this house." Wait for some acknowledgment from him. When you are ready to break away from him end the conversation. Often it is good to say, "We'll talk about this later." Then walk away and make sure that you follow up with another conversation later. Note: avoid backing up first and then saying, "We'll talk about this later." Rather, maintain the closer distance and say, "We'll talk about his later,." and then retreat.
3. Look for humor. Humor can deflect the situation. Especially, when you are wrapping things up. Don't make less of the situation with humor but look for self-deprecating humor- teens love that. In other words, don't make fun of your teenager, make fun of yourself.
Father: You know me, I can take this job of being your Dad too seriously sometime. Duh! And I'm way concerned about a lot of stuff that you feel that I've no business doing, like where you go, and who you hang out with, right? Yeah, I know, nevertheless, never do drugs, don't hang out with anybody who does drugs, don't hold drugs for anyone, and don't bring anyone home ever who won't let me pee-test them!
Teen: What the, what are you talking about?
Father: OK, I was kidding on that last part [hopefully, someone laughs] but regardless, I'm not kidding about the other stuff. OK?
4. Hug you kid at the end of the exchange. If possible. He may not want that but try it anyway. It's more body language that says "I love you." Of course, if you feel that your teen is going to react violently if you try to hug him, then maybe not. Usually, you can sneak a hug in before he pushes your arms away. Even if he seems to feel worse because of the attempted hug, you may feel better for trying. Note: it's OK to let your teen push you out of a hug but if you're lucky to got a quick one in. By no means continue to force a hug on a teenager who is resisting.
Final Note: We are not trying to send the message that we are prepared to attack. We do not want violence. In fact, once we assume the assertive stance it frees us to say something to this effect: "You know, I really don't want to see anyone get hurt here," or "I don't want you to flip out or anything but, listen, I mean business here."
If he threatens you and says something like, "I'll f&*k you up," let him know that you do not want to be hurt. Try, "Oh I hope you don't do that to me," but maintain the closer distance when you say it. You see, having good assertive body language means that you now have the luxury of saying some nice things. Or you could say, "I really don't want to see either one of us get hurt and don't see any reason right now for the police to be called." When your body language is yelling, "I'm in charge," then it's OK to say nice things. A person will hear your body language first. Likewise, if your body language says, "I'm to scarred to get close to you," then your teen hears that first no matter how much tough-talk is going on.
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