What do the teenagers and their parents tell us about enabling? I had opportunity to ask a large group of teenagers and parents in an outpatient D&A program. Three separate discussion groups debated this and the following is the results:
Top three:
1. Have rules and enforce them. Rules are worthless if you can't enforce them. If you only enforce rules sometime they are not helpful. You may wish to review Contracts here and here.
2. Don't bail teens out of jams, especially the legal problems. Don't put up bail money, don't buy high-priced attorneys, don't pay fines. Allow your teens to become motivated by the consequences of their decisions.
3. Don't key into negativity. Another way to say this is don't enter into debates with the teenagers. Don't have yelling sessions. Just say "no." Or just tell them the conversation is closed. (If you tell them the conversation is closed, don't start debating and prove that you didn't mean it when you said the conversation is closed.)
Runner Ups: Don't give money when you don't know where the money is going. Don't give freedom to your teenagers when you aren't sure where they are going. Don't believe everything you hear.
What are the best ways to stop enabling teens?
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, January 22, 2009
When Teenagers Harrass Parents
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, January 21, 2009
It's 11:00 PM. A teen wants to get his mother, who in this case is a single parent, to allow him to go out with friends the next day. But he is grounded. She has to get up very early the next day. He knows that. He senses her vulnerability. He strikes.
He moves in on her with a methodical debate. "Why why why? Give me one good reason. No one will trust me. No one believes me. I can't prove that I can be trusted if no one will give me a chance." She parries with "why don't we all talk about it tomorrow."
He's not buying that. He knows he has her over a barrel. She can't get to sleep if he keeps the debate going. This is his leverage. He can keep her up for a long time until she caves-in. He knows this. He has seen her cave-in the past plenty of times; but she has been attending PSST, working with family therapist, and working with the PO. She is much stronger than before and she is getting angry too.
At one point, after about half an hour and thirty Go to Bed Right Nows, he challenges her with the old, "You want me to get sent away?"
She is frustrated and tired. She agrees. "Yes, I do." He is aghast. "You what? You do? She back pedals, stating, "I want you to be safe, if you can't be safe here then in placement."
But sometimes you can't get the Bad Genie back in the bottle once he is out. "Fuck you," he yells at her. "If I saw you choking right here in front of me I wouldn't help you." It's a threatening statement. The look in his eye is very scary and while he does not lay a hand on her, his reign of intimidation is secure.
"Fuck you, if you died I wouldn't go to your funeral." Then he starts throwing the Any-Way-I-Can-Think-of-to-Hurt-You Book at her. "I don't care about you at all. I don't love you. I never loved you. Even when I said I loved you I just said that to get something I wanted. I never cared about you. I wouldn't even go to your funeral. What kind of mother are you anyway? You just want to get rid of me!"
She replies with spunk, "I don't care if you come to my funeral, cause I'll be dead." But he is unrelenting, and continues to verbally assault her. He is the terrorist. She is alone and he refuses to leave her bedroom where this whole scenario is taking place. While he might not exactly say, "I will hurt you," he freely refers to her choking to death and he several times refers to her death by stating that he will not attend her funeral. He has succeeded in scaring her.
She phones the PO right in the middle of it. She tells him that he is on the voice mail of the PO and why doesn't he say "Fuck you" again, and continue being rude. He lies. He calmly states that she is the one who was rude and she is the one who said "Fuck you," to him! Intriguingly, he seems to be trying to get her in trouble with the PO. As if they are two equal children and the PO, acting as parent, won't know which one to believe. However, after calling the PO's voice mail, the situation calms down and after about five more minutes of debate he leaves her bedroom to get ready for bed.
Well, its' not an easy situation; however, there are some things that can be done to minimize the danger.
1. Make your house a safe place. Have a safe room, probably your bedroom, where you can retreat and lock the door. If your teen tries to break down the door, or if he starts destroying the house, you can call 911. If you call 911 tell the dispatch that you need an officer "to keep the peace." (Tip from Ken.) It means that you don't need to go into a long story on the phone with the dispatcher. "I'm locked in my bedroom and my teenager is breaking down the door," might also get a car over to your house pretty quick. Once the police come consider pressing charges. It may be the only way your teen will learn.
2. Once you take a stand that the conversation is closed, make sure that you stop the debate. You can't say the conversation is over and in the next sentence start reasoning with him. Choose. Is the conversation over? Then stop debating and continue to insist that he leave you alone. Remember, he wants a debate. Don't give him one under any circumstances.
3. This will sound like a contradiction with number one. Don't run from him. Face him. Present good eye contact and good body language. Are you afraid of your teenager? Why? Has he ever hurt you? Has he broke up things in the house? Has he made threatening statements towards you? If the fear factor is to strong, and you can't face him down, maybe his living with you is not a good idea. Who is in charge? If the honest answer to that question is that he is, and that he is, on top of that, a very scary teenager, then see what options you might have for more support from family, friends, PO, or at last resort, what other living arrangements are there?
4. Do you have younger children that are exposed to this kind of abuse? That may affect the younger siblings in bad way. Your older Teenager may have to go for the psychological safety of your other children, not to mention for your own psychological safety.
5. The verbally abusive teenager knows exactly what he is doing. He wants to punish you for not giving him what he wants. And at the same time he wants you to think that you are the crazy one. He wants you to doubt yourself. He condescends. He talks as if he knows what's wrong with you, and that everything is really all your fault. It's important to ground yourself by sharing this with someone you trust. If you have a PO please tell him. If you have a pastor, a family therapist, a close relative, tell them. Or come to PSST and share with the other parents. In this way you will receive support necessary to see that you are not the crazy one. We say this alot in PSST: Secrets Keep Us Sick.
6. If you cave-in once he starts the debating then you just taught him that this behavior is an effective way to manipulate adults. You can't afford it.
If you have other ideas for handling this tough situation, please leave your ideas in comments. Thanks.
Meeting on the 17th well attended by 15 parents
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, January 19, 2009
Thanks to everyone for making this meeting work out. Regular members turned out to support the six new faces.
While are ability to hear updates from everyone was limited by the size of the meeting, we did allow for several role-plays and discussion about various techniques. Special thanks to Kathy from Wesley Spectrum who brought coffee and donuts and helped us set up the meeting. Also, nice to see Mary again who is terrific in and always willing to jump into a role-play. Several other parents also did a great job jumping into role-plays- you know who you are- keep coming back please because you enrich us all with your experience and wisdom.
We covered the top three most effective techniques to manipulate parents (see recent post for more information) and in our role-plays we demonstrated our verbal jujitsu of first finding something to agree with the teen about, and then putting our twist in it. Here is an example that is inspired by one that we did in group, although it is not the exact same role-play. In this example, the daughter has just been placed into inpatient long-term treatment and the father is visiting her for the first time.
Teen: What are you doing here? You f*&^ed me over by sending me here. You know I shouldn't be in a program like this. I'm not like these other girls; I'm no criminal.
Dad: You're right honey, I did have a lot to do with putting you in here.
Teen: If you hadn't stood up in court and asked the Judge to send me here, I would still be at home. I just hope you're happy now that your own daughter hates you!
Dad: Yes, I did take a big stand in Court.
Teen: Why did you send me to this hell? Do you know what it's like in here? Did you ever have to come to a place like this? No! You didn't, so you don't know shit about this place and yet you sent me here!
Dad: I have never been in a place like this and I asked the Court to send you here anyway.
Teen: That's f*&#d up. I can't believe you did this to me!
Dad: You know, I'm surprised by what I did too.
Teen: Then get me out of here if you sorry you put me here- get me home! I won't do drugs anymore- I learned my lesson now!
Dad: I'm glad you feel that you learned a good lesson from coming here. I'm glad you decided to quit using drugs. Good for you. I'm proud of you.
Teen: So, get me out of here!
Dad: Yeah, It would be nice to take you home; I wish it were that easy.
Teen: Why can't you? Call the Judge. Get a good attorney, not that lousy Public Defender you got for me in court.
Dad: Well, here's the thing. I don't feel like I made a mistake. And to keep you safe, I would ask the Judge the same thing- I'd put you here all over again if I had to.
Teen: [Glaring] How long am I going to have to stay here?
Dad: I'm not sure. As long as it takes I guess.
Teen: Will you tell them to let me come home at my first court review? I've learned my lesson and Dad, I'm done with drugs, you have to believe me. These girls could hurt me here.
Dad: Yes, it could be dangerous here- it looks like a tough place with some tough people in it.
Teen: So, i can come home at my first Court Review?
Dad: Well, we'll see. I want you to come home when your ready to stay away from drugs.
Teen: I am.
Dad: We'll see how you do here, and I'm going to want to know what Abraxas recommends too. It's not just going to be up to me but I'm sure they'll ask me what I think.
Teen: They don't let anybody go at the first review!
Dad: Well, I am looking for you to be ready- not for you to come home as quickly as possible, but for you to be ready. These people are experts here and I value their opinion and I value your Probation Officer's opinion.
Teen: I don't want that guy for my PO. I heard of him. I'm getting him changed!
Dad: Yes, I've heard he's a tough PO. I heard he's fair, but he is very tough. It's good you heard about him because I don't think it's very easy to get him switched. You'll have to deal with him I'm afraid. But your Mom and me- we like him.
Teen: You're a lousy father, you know that? You suck. You're just the worst father a girl could have, and you don't love me.!
Dad: Yeah, I've made some big mistakes, you're right about that.
Teen: You better believe you have!
Dad: For one thing, I should have acted sooner to see that you were safe from this Heroin problem. I waited longer than I should. I regret that. I wish I could have gotten you into a place like this sooner.
Teen: That's nice, thanks a lot! [rolling eyes].
Dad: And I know you can't hear me when I say I love you. And I know you don't believe me. But your Mom and I do love you and we will do whatever necessary to see that you are safe from this disease of addiction. This disease is trying to kill you.
Teen: [Glaring]Get out of here. Don't come see me anymore! [get's up and leaves visit area.]
Analysis: Dad tried to agree with everything he could agree with - without lying or misleading his daughter. Yet, he stood firm with his commitment to safety and with his willingness to own responsibility for his role in the Court placement. He didn't actually start Court proceedings but notice that he did not blame it all on the Police, the Judge, or the PO. It's like we say in group:
"If you want the power, take the blame. If you take the blame, you get the credit."
When kids blame us they are saying that we are powerful. We need to be more powerful in order to supervise these stubborn willful drug-involved teens. So, lets accept that we have some power when they blame us.
However, every time Dad agreed with his daughter, especially on the "You're a bad father thing," he took the wind out of her sails. She hoped to get an argument going. One that the father could not win because he had no way to convince her that what he was doing was right. Therefore, to agree with her kept the arguing down to a minimum and made it possible for her to pay more attention to his points, points that he was able to make after he agreed with her. Even when she said that she was going to get a new PO, he found some part of that in which he could agree. He said, "yes, I've heard that he's a tough PO." That was taking the part of what she said that he could agree with. Then, he put his twist in at the end, that he and her mother really liked the PO- she hated hearing that, but she was somewhat more able to listen because he already found some part of that in which he could agree.
For more information on talking points that we can use to make our points download the Talking points brochure here. (The one thing that needs corrected on this brochure is the Gateway Green tree meeting on Tuesday nights has been suspended until we can get more parents interested.) It will open up in Word and you can save it or print it out on your computer.
Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate Parents: Part II
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, January 18, 2009
Part 2 – Approaches to Dealing with Teen Lying
Last week we talked about the top 3 ways teens manipulate their parents:
1. Lying
2. Guilting
3. Acting really good temporarily
This week we provide some examples for how parents can deal with lying.
These manipulative techniques work well together. For example, if you lie and your parent does not believe you, then quickly revert to technique number two and guilt them. Say something like, "I knew you wouldn't believe me- you never believe me- you don't trust me. Why would I lie about that? Do you know how being called a liar makes me feel? I have feelings too." Or try this one, "you only see the bad stuff I do, you never see the good stuff."
These techniques work so well because as parents we want desperately to believe them and to be able to trust them. We are also afraid that we will find out that all the trouble our teens have is our fault.
The real consequence for lying is that no one will be able to believe them, even when they are telling the truth. That's what they need to learn. The consequence for lying is that you aren't believed. And we don't have to waste a lot of our hard-earned guilt on not trusting them. That is their problem. If they don't like that they aren't trusted then they should do something to change that- like start being honest- but don't expect it to happen overnight. It takes time.
Reinforce your teen when you discover that he has told the truth: Its' OK to make a big deal out of them telling the truth. One might argue that they should tell the truth, therefore don't make a big deal out of it. For teens that are honest this might be true. But for our kids who have made a habit out of lying, we can and should make a big deal out of catching them telling the truth.
For example, an 18 year-old girl has been manipulating her mother to let her out even though she is grounded to the house. Her mother thinks that she has been attempting to contact someone to get drugs. Consider how we can reinforce it when she tells the truth about something:
Me: You're mother tells me that you have been on the phone contacting boys to get you drugs.
Teen: No- I have not been.
Me: That's what I have been told.
Teen: Oh, that’s because I was contacting my boyfriend and my Mom thought I was contacting other people.
Me: Nevertheless, right now, you are not allowed on the phone.
Teen: Well I wasn't doing anything wrong, listen, I was blah blah blah.
Me: Hold on. You know that if you were trying to get someone to get drugs for you, you wouldn't tell me the truth about that, would you?
Teen: That's not what I was trying to do...
Me: Regardless, answer my question please. Would you lie if you were planning to get drugs?
Teen: [pause] Yeah.
Me: Yeah, what please?
Teen: I would lie to you if I was going to get drugs.
Me: THANK YOU! I'm so glad you told the truth about THAT!
Teen: OK, [seems a little taken-aback.)
Me: But you can see that telling me this story now doesn’t mean much because even if you were telling the truth now, I would have a hard time believing you.
Teen: Yeah.
Me: If you are planning on having someone get you drugs just stop it. Don't get drugs. You can't afford going in front of the Judge again.
Teen: OK, [sounds like she still doesn't know what to say about that.]
Me: Once again, thanks for telling the truth back there, and remember no rides with peers to meetings, and don't get drugs off of anybody, OK?
Teen: OK.
In this example, you will see first I did not allow her to tell the story. Secondly, I reinforced that she told the truth when she admitted that she would lie to me about that. Third I just encouraged her to stop it if she was planning to do something wrong. Finally, it gave me an opportunity to remind her that the consequences for lying are that people don't believe you even when you are telling the truth.
This last bit is important. It is the counter-point for the guilt that your teen is trying to make you feel because you don't trust her. Your teen says, "You don't trust me." You agree, "Yes, when you lie sometimes people don't believe you even when you are telling the truth." Just state that matter-of-factly as though it is not a big deal it just is what it is. It helps us as parents to not feel guilty because we don't trust and it helps frame the subject for the teen in the context that they can understand.
Parent: How's that going, what we talked about?
Teen: Talked about what?
[They may not be playing dumb. We tend to repress things that bother us.
Parent: Yeah, it is hard to keep remembering that- you know - how challenging it is for you to tell the truth sometimes.
Teen: "Yeah, oh yeah, that's going fine."
Parent: Well that's good; I was impressed you know with what you said yesterday.
Teen: What did I say?
Parent: You know, when you told the truth when I asked, 'If you were planning to get high, you wouldn't admit that to me.
Teen: Oh yeah
Parent: So you admitted that you would lie if you had to, that's being pretty honest. [Pause - This way you can revisit the issue in a positive way.]
Parent: "Now is there anything you would like to tell me that you haven't been honest about?
The same goes for stealing. Have you ever felt guilty because you misplaced something, accused your teen who has a history of stealing from you, and then found out where you put it and then felt horrible about it? How could you? Well, it's another teachable moment for your teen. "Yes, it's true” you say “that when you are known to steal that people will suspect you of taking things that you didn't even take.”
Quit feeling so guilty because as we just covered, making you feel guilty is the second most effective way for a teen to manipulate you. So, if you allow your teen to make you feel guilty, then you make it easy for them to manipulate you. If your teen persists in this "Why don't you trust me" mode, then it's sometimes a good idea to mention other consequences or traits of habitual liars. This tends to broaden the discussion so that things don't feel so personal. For example, habitual liars will lie even when they know that they will be caught.
Also, habitual liars lie when they don’t have to lie. Mentioning this can sometimes open up a conversation. Try to do this in a matter-of-fact way. Let’s not be too judgmental. Rarely, is anyone a 100 percent honest. Our teens have somehow allowed themselves to become very dishonest and we need to address that. However, we should save the holier-than-thou attitude because it’s counter-productive.
Habitual liars lie when they know that they will probably get caught. It’s helpful to point this out to your teen when they are trying to convince you that they are telling the truth.
Teen: Why would I lie? Do you think I want to get into trouble?
Parent: Why, I don’t think that would stop you.
Teen: What do you mean?
Parent: People who have a problem with lying often do it even though they know they will be caught! I don’t understand it, but I know it’s true.
While this approach won't cause an overnight change in your teen, it does accomplish some limited goals. The cherry on the cake for me is that I don't have to listen to the whole story. I believe that part of the motivation for lying is the pleasure of getting attention for telling the story. I want to take that reward off the table when I can. Anyway, if you're like me, those stories are so tiresome. It's part of how they wear us down. Of course, there are times when you need to listen to the story; but you can pick and choose.
One way to know if you need to listen to the whole story: As soon as the story under suspicion starts, one that you have a gut-level feeling is not the truth, point out that because of their past history of lying, you will have trouble believing it, even if it's true. Notice that we did not accuse them of lying at this point. Perhaps we really don't know. If at that point the teen says, "Oh yeah," and stops telling the story, then that is one that you can just take off the table. However, if after you point this out the teen persists in telling the story, and insists that you need to hear it, then you should give a listen as apparently something is going on that you might need to hear.
For example, sometimes there is a real point behind a made-up or exaggerated story. Perhaps your teen is telling you a tall tale about something that scared him at school. You don’t buy it and since it involves some pretty unbelievable stuff, you shouldn’t. However, perhaps the truth of this story is that your teen feels afraid. Maybe he wants you to know that. Sometimes a parent can reflect the emotional content of what is being said and side-step the details.
Parent: Wow that sounds pretty scary, you know, what you told me.
Teen: It is – I’m really scared sometimes.
Parent: Well, it sounds like you’ve done some things to make sure that you’ll be safe in school? Do you feel like you have? I mean you go to talk to Mr. Guidance Counselor man, and you stick with friends when you’re waiting for the school bus.
Teen: Yeah, well I guess I do.
Parent: Yeah, well I’m scared for you now that you told me some of this- is there anything I can do to help?
((This is the end of Part-two of a four-part series on Parent Manipulation. You can find the complete series and more information at http://gopsst.org - in the next part we discuss the manipulative technique of guilting the parent.)
AccuTracking: Are you interested in monitoring your teens driving habits and not spending a fortune doing it?
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, January 16, 2009
The following is posted anonymously by a parent who has used this tracking service. I post it here because parents in group have expressed interest. I have had no experience with this company and no guarantees are implied or expressed by PSST. As always we welcome comments from readers.
Giving a teenager access to an automobile to drive is always an interesting
proposition for parents. You want them to grow up, mature and learn
responsibility but, at the same time, you realize that mistakes in the
automobile can be expensive and life altering. How can you get an idea about
your teen’s driving habits since you won’t be there to watch them? Not only
how they drive but where they go can be an issue for some teens. Are they
really at school? Are they really on their way home? Access to an
automobile can create all kinds of new issues for parents of teens who have
stretched the limits in the past.
We see tracking devices in the movies and on TV all of the time. Are they
real? How much do they cost? Do they work? Is this a real alternative for
parents?
If you are interested in monitoring your teens driving habits easily, for a
reasonable price, you should take a look at http://www.accutracking.com/ .
They will sell you a kit for a little over a $100 that includes a cell
phone/GPS combo that can track your automobile for about $30 per month.
The phone comes with some simple activation instructions and a user name and
password for an associated web site. When turned on, the phone reports its
location and speed periodically to the web site. When you log into the web
site you can see the reported information in a grid format or a map format
that shows you the trail the car has been on since it left. It also shows you
the cars speed at each point.
The cell phone relies on Nextel for communication so you have to make sure
you are in a Nextel coverage area. If you want to monitor the driving in
“stealth mode” you have to find a place to hide the phone in the car where
the GPS can still get a reading. Try the glove box, center console or trunk
and do a couple of dry run tests. Battery life is a problem with stealth
mode – you can get 8 –12 hours of operation out of the phone.
Of course the alternative to stealth is the overt, “I will be watching you”
approach. Just put the phone out in the open and plug it into the cigarette
lighter outlet. Both options have their own benefits.
The web site offers additional features such as the ability to
set up fences on the map and send you an alert when the car crosses one of
these fences.
My teen doesn't talk to me. What can I do?
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, January 09, 2009
Many parents have difficulty trying to get their teens to have a nice chat. Here are seven tips. You might have some other tips and if so, please tell us about them by leaving a comment.Tip. 2. It's a great opportunity for you to talk to them. Rather than questioning them over and over or lecturing them repeatedly (see the mom song below) try modeling a little bit of what intimacy is like. In other words, tell them something about yourself. Share. Open up a little bit. Now keep in mind, don't start talking about your serious marriage problems. Your teen may not be able to handle that much sharing, but try telling them about the bad day you are having. Tell them about something at work that really made you angry and what you did about it. Tell them about some great victory you had somewhere or some recognition that you recieved
Tip 5: If your teen does begin to share something that they really feel passionate about don't ruin it by giving advice. Maybe they tell you how in love they are with someone. Wow, that's a really special thing they chose to share with YOU. Now if you start to lecture them about everything that could go wrong, because you feel that they just have to have this information, then you can be sure that they won't want to tell you anything next time. Just listen. Trust that they can figure some things out for themselves. You sort of have to decide. Do you want them to talk to you or do you want them to be in your class while you lecture. Usually, you don't get both.
Tip 7: We always talk about finding something that your teenager says that you can agree with. We mean really agree with. Don't just make a quick agreement and then follow it up with a "but." Really agree with something.
Not There are other ways to get teens chatting. Maybe you have a good way to do it. Please tell us about it by leaving a comment.
Meeting at Eastern on 17th is a special meeting.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, January 09, 2009
There is an Juvenile Court Education/ Assessment group that meets monthly at Eastern. That group will also be meeting on the 17th. In fact, for this experiment, PSST will not meet in our regular meeting room but instead we are going to meet on the Fourth Floor in a very nice meeting room. Just follow the signs from where we usually meet on the first floor towards the back elevator-make a left off the elevator and your're there.
Other parents that will be bringing their teens to the Education/ Assessment group, which will be meeting on the First Floor where we usually meet, will be invited to sit in on our PSST meeting!
Note: the Education/ Assessment group is by invitation only so don't bring your teens with you on the 17th. Just expect that we will have some new faces in group. And we love having new faces in group.
Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate Parents: Part I
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, January 09, 2009
Recently, I had the opportunity to have 15 teens from a Drug and Alcohol outpatient program tell me what were the most effective ways to get their way with their parents. Their answers might surprise you. This article is presented in five parts:
Part 1 – How Teens Manipulate
Part 2 – Approaches to dealing with Lying
Part 3 – The Guilting of the parent
Part 4 – An approach to the teen that does good things temporarily.
Part 5 - The Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate Parents: Conclusion-Part V
Part 1 – How Teens Manipulate
First of all we divided the teens up into three separate groups. Also, one parent sat in each group. We did not allow a parent to sit in a group in which their son or daughter was already sitting. Each group chose a group leader. Next, each group was given the task of deciding the top three manipulative techniques that help them get their own way with their parents. They were asked to form a group consensus, and we explained that a consensus is not taking a vote. It is debating and convincing each other so that the entire group agrees. The parents were not in the group to supervise, but to give their two cents and to function as a group participant.
After about 15 minutes each group had finished. After each small group gave it's report, the entire group engaged in group discussion to sort out the differences in the results. Funny thing is that there were not much differences. Each group more or less came up with the same three. Two groups came up with exactly the same list and one group had an almost identical list but in a different order. The following is the summary of our results.
3. Acting Really Good: The Third most effective technique is to begin to act responsibly. Convince your parent that you have really changed. After a while you will get what you want from them and you can go back to being irresponsible. One group added that while you are acting really good you can continue to sneakily be involved in the same unapproved activities.
2. Making a parent feel guilty: The Second most effective technique is to guilt your parent. Make them feel like it's really their fault or in some way make them feel that the reason that you have problems is because of them. We got examples of this from the teens who seemed to take pride in being able to push the right buttons so that their parents felt so bad that they just gave in. For example, tell your parent that they have lied to you in some way. You might have to stretch the truth a bit as to exactly what they said. If they think they lied they will try to make it up to you. Another way to make your parent feel guilty is to give them the silent treatment. They don't even have to know what they did at first but they will keep trying to find out and they will keep trying to make you feel better in any way that they can.
1. Lying: All the teens agreed that lying is the best way. One teen even offered some tips on how to be convincing when you lie. Stay calm he said. Look them in the eye. Just keep repeating the same story. Lots of discussion followed this as the teens talked about how quickly they could get their parents to believe them even if they had just gotten busted for lying. One of the bad things that can happen is that if you do this to much your parents might not believe you any more, even when you are telling the truth. Most of the teens in group agreed that lying is essential and that you have to be good at it.
(This is the conclusion of the first of a four-part series on Parent Manipulation. You can find the complete series and more information at http://gopsst.org/ in the next part we discuss How Can We Deal with Lying as Parents)
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Finding Hope in Recovery: Families Living with Addiction
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Thursday, January 08, 2009
This documentary will be aired on WTAE TV 04 ABC on January 18th 2009 at 1:00pm. I have not seen this documentary and I am not necessarily endorsing it. I think it helps us as parents to be as informed as we can be about this disease so I am sharing this information sight unseen with the risk that it is going be bad but the hope that it will be of some benefit.
No Meetings Until 2009
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Tuesday, December 23, 2008
The meeting between Christmas and New Years is cancelled. The next meeting is Jan 3, 2009.
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Is every moment a teachable moment? - The Mom Song
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Tuesday, December 16, 2008
One of the topics we talked about in group on Saturday was reminding our kids. How it drives them crazy and how it makes us insane. Take three minutes to check out this little video. I think it shows the good, the bad and the reality of what we do in a very funny way. Do you see yourself in here? Do you think our kids really see us this way?
Lloyd demonstrated the once-a-day planning technique to help planning that moves the focus of the planning to the child.
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Holiday Party Alert: December 20th 9:00 AM Eastern Dist Office
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, December 11, 2008
Please help us celebrate the Holidays at the Eastern District Office on December 20th at 8:30 AM. Bring food if you like but if not that's OK. We are opening the doors a little early but probably won't start the meeting part till 9:00 or a few minutes after.
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Worry
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Friday, December 05, 2008
Is there a magic cutoff period when Offspring become accountable for their own Actions? Is there a wonderful moment when Parents can become detached spectators in The lives of their children and shrug, 'It's Their life,' and feel nothing?
Click the READ MORE link for the wisdom of this unknown writer
Is there a magic cutoff period when Offspring become accountable for their own Actions? Is there a wonderful moment when Parents can become detached spectators in The lives of their children and shrug, 'It's Their life,' and feel nothing? When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital Corridor waiting for doctors to put a few Stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, 'When do You stop worrying?' The nurse said, 'When they get out of the accident stage.' My Mom just smiled faintly and said nothing. When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little Chair in a classroom and heard how one of my Children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, And was headed for a career making License plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher Said, 'Don't worry, they all go through This stage and then you can sit back, relax and Enjoy them.' My Mom just smiled Faintly and said nothing. When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime Waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come Home, the front door to open. A friend said, 'They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry, In a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be Adults.' My Mom just smiled faintly And said nothing. By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being Vulnerable. I was still worrying over my Children, but there was a new wrinkle. There Was nothing I could do about it. My Mom just smiled faintly and said nothing. I Continued to anguish over their failures, be Tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in Their disappointments. My friends said that when my kids got married I Could stop worrying and lead my own Life. I wanted to believe that, but I was Haunted by my Mom's warm smile and her Occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are You depressed about something?' Can it be that parents are sentenced to a Lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another Handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of Human frailties and the fears of the Unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue That elevates us to the highest form of life? One of my children became quite irritable Recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've beenCalling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.' I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed. PASS IT ON TO OTHER WONDERFUL PARENTS
LISTENING
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Sunday, November 30, 2008
"...I have a tendency to talk too much; which turns my daughter off.
But that night, I vowed I would keep my mouth shut, not judge her, criticize her, or inject my comments. Only when she asked for my opinion did I give it to her. I just listened."
click the READ MORE link to read the rest of this mother's story.
LISTENING
My daughter has been an addict since she was 13. She’s been in recovery now for 9 months, living away from home and doing very well.
One evening after not hearing from her for a while, she phoned me. She had been going through some tough times and wanted to come home and stay overnight. She wanted me to hold her and watch a move like the old times. So I picked her up and brought her home.
That night she talked, we cried, we laughed, and I held her. It was like giving birth to her all over again. I hadn’t felt so much pleasure with her in a long, long time.
I have a tendency to talk too much; which turns my daughter off. But that night, I vowed I would keep my mouth shut, not judge her, criticize her, or inject my comments. Only when she asked for my opinion did I give it to her. I just listened.
Sometimes listening can be more powerful than anything. It’s surprising how much better I got to know and understand my daughter. The gap that was beginning to form between us had gone away. BECAUSE I LISTENED.
It was a learning experience for me. There are times when it’s necessary to listen. That night was one of those times. Listening was the best help I could have given her.
