My child has returned home recently from a 1 month rehab and 4 month stay at a halfway house. As a condition of returning home I suggested some changes to the baseline Conditions of Supervision that the probation officer (Lloyd) usually uses. We reviewed and adjusted the rules together to get to this final document before it was presented to my child. Names and specifics have been changed.
A lot of these changes were gleaned from other professionals and parents over the years who have shared their wisdom.
I have used a planning methodology called SMART in the past. It was an acronym for Specific Measurable Attainable Realistic Timely. I tried to apply these principals to all of the goals.
One of my favorite quotes is "Men plan, God laughs". I have annotated the rules so you can see how it is going so far.
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These conditions of supervision my be amended at the discretion of the Probation Officer. We are expecting changes to be made in the short term (this leaves the door open if you forget anything)
COMMUNITY PROTECTION CONDITIONS:
1) Obey all laws.
2) Do not leave Allegheny County without the permission of the probation officer. Exception: in the company of his parents or with parents permission to a border county.
3) Advise the probation officer IMMEDIATELY of any change in address or telephone number.
4) Do NOT possess or employ firearms, fireworks, weapons, or other instruments of crime.
5) Adhere to the following curfew: 24 hour house arrest until further notice. Travel only with parents.
6) No driving until further notice. (this one is tough, it takes a lot of driving to support all of meetings and therapy and the house arresst means no rides from friends to meetings. It does help in establishing the goal of what do you need to do to get a car)
7) Socialize only with peers that the parents and Probation Officer approve of and DO NOT socialize with those that are known to use illegal substances or those who are known to commit crime. No phone, letters, email, IM, facebook, myspace messages or face-to-face with unapproved peers. Unapproved peers include but are not limited to: LIST UNAPPROVED PEERS HERE.
a) Males-until further notice (this one is very difficult to enforce - in discussions with the PO we decided to drop it after two weeks)
b) L
c) C
d) S
8) Call sponsor every day during the first phase of Probation; call other recovering peers each day; join a Home Group and attend Home Group Meetings.
ACCOUNTABILITY CONDITIONS:
9) Make contact with the Probation Officer daily including holidays and weekends via phone. Report to the probation officer as directed and agree that the probation officer may visit at any time.
10) Notify the probation officer within forty-eight hours of being questioned or arrested by a law enforcement officer.
11)
12) Do not possess or consume alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, or any other illegal drugs.
13) Submit to random Drug & Alcohol Urinalysis or saliva testing by parents or Probation Officer.
14) Submit to search by Probation Officer or parents if requested.
15) Complete community service at the mission trip 7/23-7/27.
16) Attend at least one recover related activity per day. Attend 12 step meetings from Prayer to Prayer.
17) Follow all discharge recommendations of
18) Make sure that a parent approves of all activities and plans. There should be no unapproved or unaccounted for time. Treat Parents with respect.
COMPETENCY CONDITIONS:
19) Accomplish the following educational and/ or vocational goals: to be determined
20) Complete a D&A Intensive Outpatient Counseling Program:
21) Enroll in and participate in an therapy or counseling approved by Probation Officer and Parents. Develop a written plan by 8/7/07 and review that plan with your support team. (this was designed to make sure they own their own health issues)
22) Attend one church service on a weekly basis at .
23) Establish a workout plan and visit the gym minimum 3 times per week.
24) Attend the drama workshops on Thursday night at .
25) Cell phone is only to be used for recover activities. Do not erase phone numbers from phone memory. Do not accept restricted calls. Provide phone to be reviewed when requested. Leave phone on kitchen table at night.
26) Do not use the house phone.
27) Do not use the Internet.
28) Asleep by midnight and up by 8 AM or as needed to make recovery commitments.
29) Make and keep all Dr. appointments. Take care of health needs.
30) Keep a day timer of daily commitments.
31) Move property from halfway house to home by 7/15
32) Assist with moving to upstairs bedroom. By 7/23
(these two were included so the child could own all of the responsibility of moving back home. This worked well - it gave a great focus for the first two weeks)
33) Help with weekly house chores and home repair projects as needed.
34) Keep your room neat and do your own wash.
35) Your are not to have more than $10 cash on you at any time.
36) Any cash you receive is to be transferred to your parent’s custody.
Rules of the Road
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Thursday, July 19, 2007
July 14th Meeting at Alliance Office (Parent Empowerment!)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, July 15, 2007
This meeting started at 9:05, pretty early for us, and by 9:10 we had 11 parents present. This was a great meeting- thanks everyone who showed up to help us out.
We took a break at 10:25 and we came back at 10:40 for a couple of versions of one role-play. We ran a bit over and ended out meeting at 11:45.
The focus of the meeting was empowerment of parents who are working with Probation Officers. Parents who share the blame with, or in some cases just assume the blame, get the power.
Only guilty people are effective. What are we guilty of? As parents, especially PSST parents, we are guilty of stopping at nothing to insure that our kids are given another day clean; we are guilty of going the last and extra last mile to see that our kids are supervised, especially when we can't supervise them ourselves. We are guilty of using every tool at our disposal, including when possible, the Juvenile Probation system to give our teens another day drug-free, guilty of changing our minds when we see that we made a mistake; guilty of "snitchin" to the PO, the school, the counselor, the teen's other parent, the other teens parents, the police, etc., all because we have come to believe that secrets keep us sick. We are guilty of working harder on our teen's recovery than he works on his own; guilty of enabling our teen from the consequences of his own decisions and guilty of no longer enabling him from the consequences of his own decisions even though he has come to expect that from us.
Yes, the teens are correct when they blame us. We send them to boot camp. We send them to The Academy sanction unit. We take thier cell phones. We take thier driving privellegeds away. We stand up in Court and ask the Judge to place our teen in the longest or most effective program and when our teen says, "you put me away!" we can say "yes, I had a lot to do with it."
We are guilty of loving our kids and being willing to fight this disease with every weapon at our disposal. Yes, we admit that. Let's move on.
Letter to self written by Teenager (as if she were her Mom.)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, June 29, 2007
Dear Suzie,
I know you may be hurt, confused and scared right now. But you have to understand the reason that I sent you here. I was running out of ideas, and I was scared for you. You were going down a dark and destructive path. I was afraid that I was going to lose you for good.
Please understand that this is not meant to be a punishment. I'm doing this because I want to save you from yourself. I am very proud of you and I love you very much. I want to see my beautiful daughter come back to life.
Please understand,
Love,
Mom
(Name changed and published with permission. When Mom was asked what she thought of the letter that her daughter wrote to herself she said, "I could have written every word.")
Surviving Shuman
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Monday, June 25, 2007
It seems that for years I have been threatening my kids with "you will go to Shuman!". When the behavior became so bad that the threats became a reality I found that I was very unprepared for what would happen while my child was there. These are my comments, tips and insights about surviving Shuman left as a future "heads up" for other parents. Please feel free to share your own experiences in the comments.
Details
Shuman Juvenile Detention Center
(412) 661-6806
7150 Highland Dr
Pittsburgh, PA 15206
I received several useful documents from Shuman after my child was no longer there. I have attached them as a pdf file for your review. Click here to download the file.
Visiting
You can visit your child from 7 PM to 8 PM every day. Leave everything you don't need locked in the car. Be inside the main doors about 6:50. Have a drivers license. They will give you a locker for your coat, keys and anything else that won't go through the metal detector. Be prepared to meet the other parents. Take about $4 worth of change if you want to buy your child a soft drink and a candy bar from the vending machines. Everyone goes through the metal detector, gives there name and is escorted though two locked doors to sit at a table in a common area. The children are allowed down to see you between 7:10 and as late as 7:20. At 7:57 you are warned that time is about up and at 8:00 PM sharp the children are called to line up and you are asked to remain in your seat. They count them, line them up and take them away. Then you are allowed to leave.
You can bring a deck of cards. Sometimes that helps to pass the time or when there is nothing to say.
You can bring a bible and leave it.
Be prepared to see scratches or bruises on the face. My child was in a fight both times she was there.
Be prepared to see your child in an orange prison style jump suit.
Be prepared for crying and all kind of horror stories about the guards.
Be prepared for your child to be a little jittery and nervous if they were heavy smokers.
Be prepared for collect phone calls. They can only call a land line phone, no cell phones. There is a pre-recorded announcement telling you the call is from Shuman.
Be prepared that your child may have done something so that you cannot visit. You will most likely find out when you get there.
Medicine
My experience with medicine is that you have to take it in the original prescription bottle. Ask to see someone from the nurses department and hand it to them directly. Call the nurses department the next day and ask if your child received their medication. If not, find out why and be persistent.
Positive Things
I knew my child was safe and did not have access to drugs.
They put my child in school by the second day she was there.
My child got excellent mental health support while she was there.
A lot of rehab facilitates will interview your child at Shuman and provide direct transportation to their facility if accepted.
Consider
You are not required to visit.
You are not required to accept the collect call.
Grand opening at Gateway Greentree benefits from lots of support from members!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Three first-time parents and eight regular members makes the grand opening a big success. People were so helpful and many brought goodies to eat. Gateway staff were also very helpful and encouraging; even the Regional Director lent a hand in helping us clean up from a coffee pot fiasco.
The room worked out pretty well being a perfect size and equipped with a kitchen down the hall. We had to play a bit with the air conditioner but we had an air conditioner. Really, we are very grateful to Gateway. Mary was the mover-and-shaker in this event and her help planning, setting up, and cleaning up afterwards was immense- thanks Mary!
Having an extra half-hour seemed to help us out:
6:15 Readings- announcements
6:30 - 7:30 sharing
7:30 - 7:45 Break
7:45-8:15 Role-play
8:15-9:00 discuss role-play, new member share, who did we miss, wrap-up.
We know that if we can start closer to 6:00 pm we will have more time, however, we seemed to have time for what we needed. Everyone helped with sharing the time so that we could hear something from just about everyone.
Role-play: "It doesn't matter what I say."
Setting: Visit by mother to her teenage daughter who has been inpatient treatment for 3 to 4 weeks.
Daughter: Mom, I've learned sooo much up here-Boy! This is what i needed. Hey, I "get it" now. I'm never going back to do all that drinking again. I've learned what I needed up here- but Mom- these other kids are such a$$%les! I can't stand it! Mom- if you spent one night in here you would know what I'm talking about! You wouldn't be able to stand it - trust me- it really sucks up here!
Mom: I'm sure it's hard to be up here honey. You know, I'm very proud of you for what you have accomplished here!
Daugher: Me too. I mean I've been working hard to earn trust with my therapists. They say I'm open- and that I do really good work. They "get-it" that I've really changed, but what bothers me is that you're never going to trust me again.
Mom: Well, it's going to take time. Can you tell me one thing that you've learned up here that will make a difference when you come back home?
Daughter: Oh there's lots of stuff- like People, Places, and Things. But it just seems that you won't give me any credit is all. I mean I hope I've earned back some trust- like you know I can have that six-hour off grounds pass this weekend- you know- and I was thinking that we could go down to that Greek Festival- and I just want to spend some time with you Mom- and hang out- and have fun- just me and you.
Mom: Well, yeah- we both like that kind of thing- maybe do a little shopping- looks like you could use a new pair of shoes.
Daughter: Exactly. And some of my friends are going to be at the Festival.
Mom: Ohhhhhhhhh, yeah- wait, hold on a minute. (showing face of concern.)
Daughter: What?
Mom: Well you know how we were just talking about People, Places and Things?
Daughter: Yeah, what about it? (Scrunches up face as if to say -'what can she be talking about?)
Mom: Well, honey - your friends are the People. You are supposed to stay away from them.
Daughter: MOM! (rolls eyes) I'm not going to drink with them! I'll be with you! I'm just going to wave at them. They need to see that I've changed my life. I want to show them that I'm happy not drinking. You just don't get it. My therapist gets it- she thinks it's important that I feel good about how I've changed my life- but you just don't get it and you don't trust me either. I'm not going to try to drink on my six-hour off grounds pass- that would be dumb!
Mom: Ok, ok, that's great and you're right honey, I don't have all the skills and training that your therapist has. I'm so glad that she sees such great improvement in you. You know, there are somethings I know, and some things I don't know.
Daughter: Well, I'm glad you can admit it. So we can go to festival?
Mom: (Moving in closer to her daughter and making strong eye contact) Absolutely not.
Daughter: Why not?
Mom: Well that was what I was trying to tell you. Your old friends are the People part of the People, Places, and Things. And come to...
Daughter: (Interrupting) That's what bugs me soooo much about you! You don't listen to what I'm saying. I'm just going to wave at them Mom!
Mom: Nevertheless, we won't be going down to where your...
Daughter: You just don't trust me- why don't you admit it?
Mom: You are right- trust will take time; but tell you what- you talk first. I'll wait. I won't interrupt you.
Daughter: It just doesn't matter what I say to you. That weird PO has you brain washed. I just wish you would listen more to what my therapist is saying and not that weird PO. You don't know about recovery Mom; you think you know- but I'm up here 24/ 7- I'm learning this stuff- you just don't know.
Both quiet for a few
Daughter: Well? Aren't you going to say anything.
Mom: If you're done and you won't interrupt me.
Daughter: Ok, talk. (rolling eyes again.)
Mom: (Moving a bit closer as daughter has moved back a bit) It's not acceptable that you go to places where your old friends are... (holding up hand to ward off interruption) you said you would not interrupt me.
I'm so glad that you brought this up now. I think this is going to be, if not the biggest issue, one of the most important issues and we need to address this now. Divorcing your old friends is going to be hard for you. It is not enough to just not be with them when they abuse drugs. It's important that you stay away from them all the time. That means face-to-face contacts, telephone, Instant Messages, notes, letters, and even text-messaging. No contact means no contact. You are so right to bring this all up now and I think that shows that you are really doing some good work up here. Ok, thanks for not interrupting.
Note: Mom makes sure that she gets to talk uninterrupted but after her daughter gives her the floor- she makes sure to thank her and give it back. This helps to establish good boundaries for good communication.
Daughter: They didn't say I can't be on the phone with my friends. You are such a witch! You're just making things up. I wish you'd listen to me Mom- but you never really listened to me- that's our problem and my therapist thinks so too- we can't talk because you never really listened to me. That's probably why I started drinking!
Mom: We do have trouble talking. I think we are doing pretty good right now.
Daughter: No we are not! We're not doing good because it doesn't matter what I say with you. Why do I even bother talking to you?
Mom: Look, you're right. In some ways it's not so important what you say- but honey, it is important what you do- and that's what I'll be looking at.
Drive My Car
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Thursday, June 14, 2007
Update - We are going on 6/26. Click here to register on line.
Not sure about travel arrangements yet.
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Val is organizing a day trip to the 2007 Driving Skills for Life (DSFL) Summer Camp on June 26-28 at Consol Energy Park, Home to the Washington Wild Things. Current plans are to van pool up there so this would be a no cost event for you and your child other than snacks and misc. items. Your child needs a drivers license or permit to participate. Interested? Contact Val to sign up - more details follow.
The 2007 Driving Skills for Life (DSFL) Summer Camp will be held on
June 26-28 at Consol Energy Park, Home to the Washington Wild Things, in
Washington, PA. The Summer Camp is FREE to all participants and is
specifically geared toward newly licensed teens. At the camp, teens
will go through driving exercises in the area of hazard
recognition/crash avoidance, vehicle handling/skid control and
speed/space management. In addition, we will have motivational
speakers and sponsor exhibits to engage the teens over the three days.
Teens will gain experience behind the wheel under the direct
supervision and guidance of professional driving instructors.
Parents,
teachers and community leaders are also encouraged to attend.
The Camp is part of a year-long partnership called "Taking the Lead"
that DSFL has with KDKA-TV, Pittsburgh CW, GHSA and Westfield
Insurance.
"Taking the Lead" includes a number of public service announcements
broadcast on KDKA-TV, as well as half hour programming dedicated to
DSFL.
Grand Opening of The newest PSST only one week away!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Thanks to Mary Chalburg, our newest PSST sessions will be starting on Tuesday June 19th, from 6:00 to 9:00 PM at Gateway Greentree. We are scheduled to meet the First and Third Tuesdays of each month. The address is Gateway Greentree Office, 2121 Noblestown Plaza, Pittsburgh, PA 15205.
Mary contacted Gateway and made all the arrangements. Apparently, Gateway checked out this blog and they were very impressed with they read here.
Mary and I attended the Gateway Family night last week and talked to a room full of parents. With the help of two parents that volunteered to participate, we put on a role-play. Of course, we used an issue that the two parents brought up, which is in keeping with what we always do to try to "keep it real."
We thought it went pretty well and we are hoping for a nice turn out. However, we really could use the support of our regular members. So, if you can come on out this coming Tuesday, help Mary, Val, and I get this new one started!
Directions from Pittsburgh: Take Parkway West though the Fort Pitt Tunnels. Take exit 4A for PA 121 N toward Crafton. Turn left at T on Mansfield Avenue; then one block turn right on Poplar Street. Go 1/2 mile and turn right at the light on Noblestown Road. Go 3/10 mile and turn right up driveway; bear right at Y and follow signs to Gateway, which will be around the back of the office complex.
If you are coming from the opposite direction you get off at Greentree exit, make left off the ramp, and that puts you on Mansfield Avenue; then one block turn right on Poplar Street. Go 1/2 mile and turn right at the light on Noblestown Road. Go 3/10 mile and turn right up driveway; bear right at Y and follow signs to Gateway, which will be around the back of the office complex.
If you get lost call me at 412-861-6757.
PARKING IS NO PROBLEM!
Outreach Teen Location
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Monday, June 04, 2007
New location at Outreach Teen and Family Services in Mt. Lebanon 666 Washington Rd Mt Lebanon, PA 15228
The door to Outreach is right underneath the Stevenson Williams Co. sign, about the middle of the building. Click on the picture to the right to be connected to Google Maps. Soon, we will add this location to our other two located on the left side of this blog.
From 376 Monroeville: Merge onto 279S (Fort Duquense Bridge)
Take exit 5A for Banksville Rd (right after Tunnel)
Merge onto US-19 (Banksville Rd)
Turn left on McFarland Rd (at a Y)
Turn right at W Liberty Ave/US-19
Destination will be on the right
From the North: I-79 S toward Pittsburgh
Slight left at I-279 S (signs for I-279)
Take exit 5A for Banksville Rd (right after Tunnel)
Turn left on McFarland Rd (at a Y)
Turn right at W Liberty Ave/US-19
Continue to follow US-19
Destination will be on the right
From out by Pittsburgh International Airport:
Merge onto PA-60 S
Continue on I-279 N
Take exit 4A toward Mt Lebanon/Green Tree
Merge right onto Greentree Rd/PA-121
Turn left at Potomac Ave
Turn right at W Liberty Ave/US-19
Continue to follow US-19
Destination will be on the right
The New Normal
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Monday, May 28, 2007
I want my family to be back to normal. I want my daughter to stay in recovery and have a normal life. I hear the same thoughts echoed by other parents. The problem is that getting back to normal is not the same as getting into recovery and recovery leads us to a “new normal” that is not built on the dreams of our past but exists in the realities of our present.
I am reading 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper. The short version is that he is in a horrific auto accident, dies, goes to heaven, returns to earth and takes several years to recover. In chapter 14 he writes:
“Human nature has a tendency to try to reconstruct old ways and pick up where we left off. If we’re wise, we won’t continue to go back to the way things were (we can’t anyway). We must instead forget the old standard and accept a new normal.”
In Piper’s case he was talking about all the physical things he could no longer do. My experiences in living through the addiction/recovery process with a then adolescent and now young woman have brought me to the same place, an understanding of a “new normal” and making healthy plans to deal with it instead of focusing on returning to that old, romanticized normal.
For the last couple of years a lot of my thinking has been around getting the problem fixed, keeping her under control, stopping destructive behaviors. At this point she has been through several rehabs and placements and is living in a half way house. There really is no more coming home from rehab, dance team, sleep-overs, new jobs, boy friends or proms. There is a major focus on her part to control her own demons. I can help from time to time and provide some monetary and emotional support but besides that, there is not a lot I can do. Powerless.
She is taking a different path through life (though probably not intentionally) and because I have chosen to walk beside her it is now our new normal. And somehow describing it that way helps. It brings acceptance. Not a child to be disciplined but an adult that needs help. Not someone to control but someone to support.
Somehow I have it confused that my daughter’s addiction is about me when really it is about her. Talking with people in recovery always has an emotional impact on me. Hearing a friend of hers talk about everything she lost in one breath and plans for a new job in the next is an amazing testimony to the human spirit. And then I get it. It is the same for my daughter.
Watching my daughter deal with all of this at 19 is so different than at 16. Once they are out of the house the game changes - instead of trying to get them back home and keep them safe (in some ways trying to regain that lost “normal”) you start to, yet again, understand the reality of all of this and accept your role in the new normal.
This change in perspective for me didn’t happen overnight, it is an ongoing process. I am changing my actions of doing things for her to words of advice, “I used to do this for you, now you will have to….” . Each day I make the decision to walk besides her all over again. That’s because each day, all my instincts tell me that I need to fix her problems for her but I’ve learned that I can’t do that. That train is gone and there’s another one coming down the track. If I worry too much about the one that left, I’m not going to be ready to board the new one.
Letter to teen at Abraxas I
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, May 21, 2007
My Dearest Son,
Let me start this letter my saying how much I love you. By our visit last week, you are obviously angry with me. But please believe that no matter what, I will love you more than you can understand. You are my son and a major part of my life and my very being. I will do anything to help you, to get the rehab that you need, counseling that you need, any help that you need to stay off drugs and start your life anew.
You can be anything that you want. You are very talented and intelligent and I refuse to believe that God gave you all these gifts to waste on a life of drug abuse. You deserve a better life than such a life of drug abuse. And you deserve a long life. Not one cut short because of drugs. If you stayed on the path in February / March, you would be dead soon if not already. And there is no easy way out of your problems. There is no quick fix. So, take one step at a time and work through your issues. I know you have had some setbacks lately, but work through them.
I love you dearly and pray daily that you will be able to give up the drugs and continue to grow and develop into the man that you were meant to be.
It seems that you don’t understand the Abraxas program and it appears that you are trying to equate it to other drug rehab facilities that you have been in. However, places like Gateway and Ridgeview do not deal with the behavioral issues that long-term drug use causes. Abraxas does. One of your issues is that you have been deep into drugs for a long time. Sally at Gateway told us that once a teenager starts using drugs, emotional and maturity development stops. Also, extended drug use distorts people’s perception of reality and their sense of right and wrong. It also leads to anti-social behavior.
You started using drugs as a young teenager, and continued to use drugs through some critical years. This has affected your emotional and maturity development, distorted your perceptions, and distorted your sense of right and wrong. You have exhibited anti-social behavior and your defiance has become self-destructive. This process has continued through all of your teenage years and it has had a profound effect upon you. This is what Abraxas is doing for you: stopping the patterns of behavior that you have developed and getting you back on track to proper development. This needs to happen before anything else is effective, including drug rehab at places like Gateway.
I know you disagree with this and do not believe you fall into this category. You have mentioned that Abraxas is for teenagers with behavior issues, and that is not you. That all you have is a drug problem. However, your drug problem has continued long enough that behavior and perception issues have developed. I agree with you that you are not in the same category as most others there and some of those have severe behavior issues. . However, that doesn’t change the fact that you need to readjust your behavior, your perceptions, and get your development back on track. You need to develop your social skills and your coping skills. You need to understand your defiance and learn to control it. You need to stop your self-destructive behavior. You need to learn how to cope when things are not going well. You need to learn how to control your temper. You need to learn how to not feel out of control, be able to calm yourself and deal with your problems. And you need to learn how to do this without drugs. You need to develop whatever skills necessary to cope with life and move on with your life in a productive fashion. And you need to learn how to do this without drugs.
Part of this process is facing the behavior that you have exhibited and the things you have done. You need to deal with them, understand them so that you do not repeat them, and change those behavior patterns forever. You also need to get past the issues and guilt that you have because you have done these things. You need to work through these things and forgive yourself. You must do this in order to get past it and not repeat any of these actions, including drug use. You must come to terms with your past and take the time to forgive yourself. We all have forgiven and forgotten, and we just want you back, drug free and strong. We have all forgiven and we want you back, drug free and happy.
This is what Abraxas can do for you. It is behavior modification. It is undoing the effect the drug use has had on your development. It is stopping your anti-social behavior, teaching you how to deal with your defiance, and teaching you coping skills. It is readjusting your perceptions, and adjusting your sense of right and wrong. It is giving you life-management skills.
For example, you must stop excusing away your behavior because it is related to your drug habit. Your sister told me that you think your drug-using ‘friend’ received a light sentence because his forgery is related to supporting his drug habit. That is wrong. He received a light sentence because it was his first offense. I know that to be true, because I was there in the courtroom when his sentence was given and I talked to the Assistant DA about his sentence. If he appears in court a second time, his sentence will be much different, and if he appears a third time, his sentence will be severe. It will not matter that it was all for supporting a drug habit. The courts do not excuse away crimes because they were committed to support a drug habit. I hope you do not need to learn that lesson the hard way.
We have tried to help you with your drug use and provided a different array of professionals to counsel you. I have protected you from your mistakes relating to your drug use under the pretence that you would take the advice of these professionals. However, I was wrong. I was wrong to protect you from the consequences of your drug use. I know you do not believe that I protected you from anything. However, I stopped the High School from expelling you. I stopped the police from arresting you for Shoplifting and, hence, you avoided a sentence in Shuman. Your Father and I intervened when the police wanted to send you to Presley Ridge for several months over your drunken disorderly at Eat’N Park. I kept thinking that if you had the drug rehab, the counseling from professionals, that you would ‘see the light,’ the ‘error of your ways,’ but I was wrong.
I do think that you tried to leave the drugs behind, but you always returned to your destructive behavior and your drug abuse. The help that you were getting was not enough. There is no easy way out of this and it will take time. I hope that you use your treatment time wisely:
* You need to learn how to take advice from people.
* You need to drop your defiant self-destructive ways.
* You need to take the time to understand the reason why you used drugs in the first place. Then, you need to change that part of yourself. Perhaps your thrill-seeking need drove you to life on the edge and that drove you to drug abuse. You must control that part of your personality. You must learn why you started drugs and why you continue to relapse and change that behavior.
* You must reverse the damage that extended drug use has done to you in terms of your personality development, perception of reality, and your maturity development. You must take the time to regain the things that you have lost and get yourself back on track.
* And you may not believe this either, but your behavior changes when you are relapsing and probably just before you relapse, i.e., you start the destructive behavior patterns, the dissociation with reality, the irresponsible behavior, and the defiance. That is what must stop and Abraxas can help you.
We are with you every step of the way. We will be there for you! We will provide whatever is necessary to get whatever help you need; to send you to the schools that you want to attend, to help you get the education that you need, to continue to provide for you, to help you get you established and back on track.
You too must step up and accept responsibility for yourself. We will continue to provide for you, and those things that you want that are above and beyond, you will work for and provide for yourself. You must appreciate what it means to work for something that you want, as opposed to having it handed over to you. You must step up and assume responsibility for yourself.
As I mentioned earlier, the biggest mistake we made was protecting you from the consequences of your behavior, and we will no longer do that. We will help you with what ever you need to better yourself, to stay off drugs, to build a constructive life for yourself. However, we will allow you to deal with your mistakes of drug use. We will be there with you, but you must deal with them and accept the consequences.
You also need to recognize when you need help before the consequences hit. You need to ask for help if you feel yourself slipping, and not wait until you are in trouble. You need to start thinking things through and stopping yourself when your actions do not have a good ending. You need to think about what you are doing, understand the impact, and stop your behavior if there is a chance for negative consequences. You need to start thinking things through.
We will get you all the help that you need. We will go anywhere and spend anything to get you all the help you need. However, if you insist on drug abuse and if you refuse any help, I will do what I need to do to stop you. I will do whatever I need to do to avoid that day that I am called to the morgue to identify your body. You cannot comprehend how painful it is for your family to know that you can engage in Russian Roulette with your life; that you would choose this destructive drug-addicted life over anything else; that you would choose Heroin over anyone else. So please don’t any more.
Well, I will close now. I have been working on this letter for a few weeks, which is why I haven’t written for awhile. We will be back up on September 18th. Always remember how much we love you and how proud we are of you for the progress that you are making.
Myths About Drug Use by Tim McDowell
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, May 18, 2007
Tim McDowell is a Student Assistance Coordinator and Licensed Social Worker at North Hills High School. He has written this brutal eye-opener about misconceptions that people have about teenagers and drug abuse. The assumptions that we hold about drug use have EVERYTHING to do with the actions that we take to address this life threatening disease of addiction in our teens.
Ø You can change adolescence with a talk. Wrong- No cure for adolescence, no magic talk will change adolescents from being curious, or invincible risk takers. You had better appeal to something else.
Ø Kids use drugs because they don’t know that they are dangerous and illegal. Wrong - Kids know, but don’t care. They think they’re invincible and will never get caught.
Ø You can scare kids into not using drugs. Wrong – Kids are invincible and “IT NEVER HAPPENS TO THEM”, always someone else. They “know” they will be smarter and not let it happen.
Ø Some counseling is better than nothing. Wrong - You don’t put a band-aid on a broken arm. It may pacify your conscience, but its not helping your kid.
Ø You can shame kids into not using drugs. Wrong - Drug use brings on enough shame. There’s already a perceived inability to overcome this. They need professional help and support.
Ø You can control your teen’s drug use. Wrong – You have zero control over your child’s drug use, but you have complete control over what you will accept or not. Draw a line in the sand. If you’re walking on egg-shells, You’ve already lost control. Let the professionals help you get it back.
Ø You should handle your family’s drug use discreetly. Wrong - Shout it from the rooftops. Take advantage of every possible resource or professional available. Have the entire community keeping an eye on your kid. If you are clear that no shame is deserved, you aren’t embarrassed to speak up.
Ø You can make your kid want to get clean. Wrong - They have to be uncomfortable and hurting enough to want something different. That’s where you come in.
Ø When things get bad, we’ll get him into a treatment program. Wrong – Treatment may not be an option. Insurance companies may say “not bad enough” or can be put on 3-month waiting list.
Questions – You can email Tim McDowell at mcdowellt@nhsd.k12.pa.us or call him at 412.318.1422
Parent Group 5-12-07 Wexford. Role-play"Why can't I smoke cigarettes?"
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, May 13, 2007
On 5-12-07, PSST was attended by seven parents and one younger guest family member. None of the parents wanted to role-play. Every one's teen seemed to be pretty stabilized this week and people wanted to "stay under the radar." Just when I thought the whole role-play thing was dead, the guest bravely stepped up to the plate. She is the sister of a teen but at PSST she played a Mom. Boy, she hit a home run. Then, others wanted to be involved. It was a fun one after all.
The thing about the cigarette issue is that it is very controversial to even try to stop your teen addict from smoking cigarettes. "Don't even worry about it," many people say. "Would you rather have your teenager smoking Crack or smoking cigarettes?" And one parent shared that his doctor has told him that the next generation of ADD drugs will be nicotine-based so don't worry about it. Teens are simply self-medicating.
Another factor that people point out is that it is very difficult to enforce a no smoking rule. For example, Gregory Bodenhamer, author of BACK IN CONTROL and PARENT IN CONTROL, states repeatedly that if you have a rule- enforce it. If you can't or will not enforce a rule- don't have it.
A third consideration that some people espouse is this: "they have given up everything else- don't take smoking away from them too."
The fourth argument is that recovering people seem to smoke heavily. Therefore, all addicts will be exposed to smoking in or outside of 12-step meetings. Therefore, it is unrealistic to expect them to not smoke when they are exposed to so many smokers on a regular basis. Also, after-meeting activities, such as eating at Eat N Park will also expose the recovering addict to cigarette smokers.
However, there are people that see things differently. For one thing, if your child is not 18 years of age, it is not legal for him to smoke or use other tobacco products. Are parents supposed to buy them for their underage teenagers too? And if so, does that send the teenager a poor message?
A second thing of course is that smoking cigarettes is also dangerous and can kill you. Albeit, much slower than most drugs, but still it is a life-threatening habit.
A third argument for not allowing your teenager to smoke is that his self-image is tied up with the smoking cigarettes, the abusing drugs, and breaking the law. It is important that the teenager begins to see himself differently, i.e., as a law-abiding, nonsmoking, and drug free person. They believe that this not smoking can help the teenager to begin to see himself in a more positive light.
I think that this issue is also stated powerfully by Bodnehamer in PARENT IN CONTROL.
"Q: I don't really want my teenage daughter to smoke, but of all the things parents have to watch out for, smoking seems like a minor vice. Shouldn't I prioritize the rules I want her to obey and concentrate on enforcing the most important ones?
"A: Yes, you should prioritize the enforcement of your rules. But stopping your daughter from smoking should be high on the list of prohibitions, not just because smoking is unhealthy but also because it is a gateway behavior associated with serious drug and alcohol abuse, early sexual activity, truancy, and dropping out of school. Smoking also serves as an identity badge for high-risk kids to identify one another. Even if your daughter isn't misbehaving, many high-risk kids will be drawn to her because she smokes. And the more she associates with poorly supervised children, the greater the risk that she will be socialized into joining their destructive and dangerous behavior."
We can see the different sides of this issue. It has do do with the age of the teenager, the values of the parents, and the whether or not the parent has the willingness and the ability to enforce a non-smoking rule. If possible, it is a very good idea to stop your teenager from smoking. The following role-play demonstrates an approach to enforce a no smoking rule. Nothing should be implied that parents who allow older recovering teenagers to smoke tobacco are wrong. Each parent must choose the approach that is right for them in their circumstances for their teenager.
The following role-play is inspired by the several that we did in group. This approach tries to demonstrate how parents can choose to make a rule about not smoking, and then weed though the manipulations of the teen and enforce the nonsmoking rule.
Son: Dad, I heard that when I get out of rehab, you are not going to allow me to smoke.
Dad: That's right Son.
Son: Well, gee Dad, when we're you going to tell me this? I'm supposed to get out of here in a four to six weeks! We're you going to wait until I was home?
Dad: Good point Son. I wasn't sure when the right time was to talk about these rule changes. I think you are right. We should talk about them now. [Moving chair up closer- strong eye contact.] Let's talk about all the rules or just about the no smoking one if you like.
Son: That's bull shyt Dad! You and Mom said when I turned 17, it was up to me. Well, I'm still 17! You can't change that rule! Everyone at NA smokes! What, am i supposed to be the only one in NA that doesn't smoke? My sponsor said we have lost enough. He smokes cigarettes and says that it's the only vice he has left! Some people in NA think smoking cigarettes can even help you stay clean! You said that you would do ANYTHING to help me stay clean! Guess you were just full of shyt huh?
Dad: Son, is it necessary to speak that way at me and swear?
Son: I'm pissed off Dad! You really snuck this one in on me! This was never part of the deal when I went to rehab! I'm supposed to kick drugs in here. No body said anything about cigarettes!
Dad: Nevertheless, it is hard for me to discuss things with you when you when you raise your voice and swear. [Moves up chair closer but lowers voice to a bit more than a whisper.] It makes it hard for me to hear you.
Son: I don't care. [He says he doesn't care but he lowers his voice to say that.]
Dad: Look Son, I'd love to talk with you about this- but it's unacceptable to speak in that tone of voice and swear like that. Stop it please.
Son: OK [rolling eyes.]
Dad: Here's the deal. You ready? Can we talk now?
Son: Yeah- say it go ahead - say it.
Dad: I've changed my mind about a few things. One of them is smoking. It is a new rule- no smoking tobacco and no use of tobacco. It is unhealthy. Stop it.
Son: But I just told you- everyone does and it will help me stay clean.
Dad: Regardless, don't smoke. You have quit while you are in here- so don't smoke when you come home.
Son: Is this all about control Dad? Is that all this is about? You just want to control me, right? There is no other reason really is ther?
Dad: Look, there ARE other reasons. But there is one thing wrong with all the reasons.
Son: Yeah, they are phony.
Dad: Well, the one thing wrong about them is that you won't be impressed by any of them. In fact, you will believe that they are phony.
Son: No kidding cause they suck!
Dad: Well, yes I'm sure from your point of view they do suck.
Son: Dad, nicotine helps me.
Dad: Nevertheless, Son-I'm not changing my rule.
Son: What else are you changing? Do I get food when I come home or did you take that away too?
Dad: Nice try- I'm glad you haven't lost you sense of humor Son.
Son: You know you can't stop me. And it doesn't violate my probation either. I just have to follow my Probation Officer's rules and he didn't say anything about not smoking.
Dad: Oh I don't know about that.
Son: What you mean?
Dad: Your Conditions of Supervision state "A parent must approve of all activities and plans." Well I don't approve of smoking. I spoke to your PO and he said that it will be a Violation of Probation if I don't approve of it.
Son: Oh sure. [rolls eyes.] You think he is going to jack me up to Shuman (detention center) if I use tobacco! That's a joke Dad!
Dad: Well, we won't be doing that Son.
Son: Then, how you gonna stop me? You can't stop me!
Dad: It's a rule. I will enforce it. I'm not sure this is a good time for you-or for us- to discuss consequences.
Son: Like what? Don't go all "we can't talk about this now," tell me!
Dad: For one thing, you have your Permit to Drive now. If you smoke-no driving.
Son: That's stupid.
Dad: Regardless, that's the deal. Oh, and there's more.
Son: More?
Dad: Yes, you see I won't trust you when you first get out of the rehab. We've talked about how trust will take a while to build. In order to trust you I have to see how your going to do - what your attitude is, you know, after you are released.
Son: So? My attitude it great. I just don't like your "new rules-thing." You act like you are a dictator here- like you're a little king. We live in a democracy Dad! We should vote!
Dad: Your attitude is fine right now. You just heard somethings you didn't like. I mean that if you present a negative attitude at home, try to sneak cigarettes, have a chip on your shoulder about all these "rules," then it will be harder for me to learn to trust you.
Son: You never trusted me. You will never trust me. You don't even love me! It's just your ego Dad, that's all that matters to you! It's just a game of control the drug addict to you! (looking angry.]
Dad: Ouch! Sorry you feel THAT way! Regardless Son, you said you wanted this information, that now was a good time to talk about all this. Well, I think you're right. I don't want to keep you in the dark about all this. I want you to know how things will be.
Son: Well you said there's more? What more? What could be worse than that?
Dad: Well, if I don't see responsible behavior from you, I won't want to grant any privileges you might need. So, if you persist on smoking, I can't really stop you- but it will do no good to complain about the consequences. OK?
Son: Fine! Is this meeting over? Cause I can't stand meeting with you. You really kill me with these rule-changes!
Dad: Sure. I'm done. Do you mind if I just say one last thing?
Son: [groans] you love me- quit throwing that stupid stuff at me. I'm not retarded!
Dad: Oh boy! You know me SO well. [laughs.] Nope THAT is one thing we don't have to worry about! You are definitely not retarded! Thanks for your honesty in this one- good luck with it! [Puts arm around Son's shoulder, Son tries to move away, but he is not fast enough at first, then he pulls away.]
Lori- Part II- Parent Baggage
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, May 10, 2007
We parents have collected some baggage along the way, some serious baggage. And as our teenager proceeds into a recovery lifestyle as an adult, we must face our baggage. Like our teenager who has proceeded into recovery, we too must recover from our baggage, and let it go.
As parents of drug addicted teenagers, we have been through plenty. There have been numerous ups and downs, which were crushing on both ends. We have made decisions regarding our children that parents should never need to make, coupled with unbearable heartache. And no one understands unless they have been there too, so we certainly are not surrounded by support. In fact, we can’t even discuss these issues with just anyone. We had to seek out some support and be with other parents in the same situation, yet still be cautious over what we discussed with whom. Just finding someone that would understand, let alone provide good advice was difficult. So this has been a rough ride for us.
And it has been a rough ride for our teenager too. They have been in and out the treatment facilities, in and out of juvenile detention facilities, on and off probation, in and out of hospitals, etc., etc., etc.
The ironic thing is, the times that we felt most comfortable were when our kid was locked-up. As my husband and I called it: “When he was in captivity.” What a thing to say about your own child! Let’s face it, it is the only time I knew he was safe, the only time I could really sleep at night without worrying:
“Where is he now?”
“How much heroin is he going to take tonight?”
“What is going to happen tomorrow?”
“Is tonight the night I get the call from the morgue?”
“Maybe I should start calling the morgues.”
The thoughts that have past through us in this extreme stress that we have been enduring for years are just awful! So very awful! And the exhaustion that comes with it all, it is overwhelming. God, I am so tired, so very tired!
We parents have collected some baggage along the way, some serious baggage. And as our teenager proceeds into a recovery lifestyle as an adult, we must face our baggage. Like our teenager who has proceeded into recovery, we too must recover from our baggage, and let it go.
As we proceeded through the years of dealing with our drug addicted teenager, our defenses were up, and we built a history of one disaster after the next. Will we ever stop expecting that next disaster? Will there ever come a time when we can just relax? I don’t know. However, I am learning this. As my son proceeds through all of the treatment that he has received, and begins his new life in drug recovery; as my family begins to rebuild itself with my son, I have trouble letting go of my baggage. When things are going well, I am still expecting the next disaster. Surely, it will come sooner or later. It always has in the past. Why will it be different now?
Well it may be different now. As our teenagers have been learning to deal with their addiction and starting their life in recovery, the disasters have come less often and they are less severe when they do. And they themselves are learning to deal with the disasters. In drug recovery, they have a support system and they are learning how to live there, because they must live there forever! I tell my son now, that it is no longer sufficient that he is clean. He must be clean and be in the recovery lifestyle, because if he isn’t, his relapse is just a matter of time.
So are things so different now? And how do we as parents deal with this uncertainty?
As our child emerges from the drug rehabilitation process, they will be adults responsible for themselves. In order for them to stay in drug recovery, they must assume complete responsibility for themselves. So, we as parents now take a back seat and allow them to function independently within the recovery lifestyle. Not that we won’t be a part of their lives. Not that we won’t see them falter, if they do. Not that we will not take the opportunity to push them in the right direction if they get off track. However, our drug-addicted teenager is now an adult in drug recovery. The uncertainty of what may happen next may never go away. However, it surely diminishes the longer that they are in recovery and the more responsibility they assume.
So how do we free ourselves of this baggage? How can we now deal with this new adult without showing the anxious desperation of the past? How do we stop looking at the moments that we share with our now adult child as a prelude to the next disaster and stop viewing every situation by seeing our glass as half empty? You know ---- he may be doing just fine now, but sooner or later I am going to get the rug of life jerked out from under me one more time. I am going to find myself collapsing from within as I, once again, must make these very difficult choices and confront his drug addiction. Sure as shootin’! --- There will be one more time when my world sinks in on me!
But why can’t we see our glass as half full? He is doing well; has been doing well for a while. Sure he has had some slips, but he recovered by working his support system. His attitude is better than ever. He has plans for a productive future and prepares for that future. We are having good times as a family. He laughs with us, and willingly involves himself in family responsibilities. I have no reason to believe that he is going to search for drugs today; that the birthday money that I give to him now is going to be spent on drugs. I really have no reason today, to believe that. But God knows, it is hard to eradicate this high anxiety state that we all have been in for years. But only God knows what will be tomorrow. We don’t.
I heard a quote the other day, by Joe Farrell. He is a jazz musician and has been since the ‘70’s. He said, “I don’t really care if my glass is half full or half empty. I am just happy to have a glass.” And even though he probably meant this as a joke, I find it very profound. We cannot change the past and we must stop dwelling on it. We cannot let the anxiety and nightmares of our past destroy our future with our child. Our child is in recovery now and doing well. Maybe not perfect, but well and he shows more promise every day. We must shed this excess baggage that we have collected over the years of dealing with our drug-addicted teenager so we can now enjoy our adult child. We must stop looking at our glass as half empty.
However, we shouldn’t be unrealistically optimistic either, because he may slip. So I am not so sure we can look at our glass as half full either. As my husband has said, “Don’t get too low on the lows, but don’t get too high on the highs either.” Don’t expect your child to be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. And there is no cure for this disease of drug addition. It is something they must live with forever. And with all diseases, they maybe some set backs. However, if they stay in drug recovery, they can work through their times of weakness and maybe it wont involve a relapse. And we must have some faith that they will do that.
So, let’s stop worrying about our glass being half empty and lets us not be consumed with speculation that our glass could be half full. We must be ready to be happy in order to enjoy the good moments that we now are having with our new adult child. We must be happy just to have a glass.
What can we do now to help our now adult child to stay clean, to stay in the recovery lifestyle? It is hard to accept the fact that there is little left for us to do. Our teenager is an adult now. We must allow him to assume responsibility for his own recovery, even though he may make mistakes. We have done basically all that we can do. However, I think there are still a couple of things that we can still do.
One thing I do is reward my son for living the recovery life style. If there is a spiritual retreat that he wishes to attend, I will pay for that. If he needs a ride to or from college on selected days, we will provide that. If he wants a gym membership, I will give him that. If he wants to do anything that is consistent with recovery, I will try to provide that. However, I keep the rewards to a reasonable level and not to the point that it makes life too easy for him. He must make an effort himself to maintain a positive life style, because that is what makes it worthwhile for him. He must have some ‘skin in the game’. My son has confessed to me that he is afraid of relapsing if life is made too easy for him. He must be responsible for providing for himself in order to stay clean.
I am a major Bon Jovi fan and you can listen to their new soon-to-be-released single on their website. It is called, “(You want to) Make a Memory?” And I think we need to make a few with our recovering drug addicted child. So another thing we can do is to allow these memories to happen. And with our baggage, this needs to be a conscious decision, to let go of those anxieties and enjoy their company. We must give ourselves permission to be happy. The moment is good and there is no need for anxiety at this moment. It is really okay. We are now having some good times together with our son, and I try to stop the desperation of the past from sneaking to the surface and spoiling these moments. I sure hope that these moments are fun for him also, that his family is important to him. I absolutely hope that he is no longer willing to throw his family away for his drug addiction.
I don’t know if my son will ever relapse again. And I do not know what will stop him from doing so. However, I think the happy times that we are now having gives him a reason to hold onto his family. That the times we spend together at the house, on vacation, going to the movies, celebrating birthdays and holidays, etc., will create happy memories for him. And I will not take that from him. I will work through my excess baggage and enjoy the moment. For maybe the memory that we are creating at that moment, maybe the memory that pops in his head if he weakens, and makes him stop, turn around, and come home.
It maybe naïve to think that a simple memory can go toe-to-toe with the force of addiction. But I do not know what else to do. But I do know this. My son enjoys his family now, and we are enjoying him. After the years of dealing with his drug addiction, after years of heartache for everyone, he is once again a member in good standing with the family. And we are having fun. He laughs with his sister, he actually asks advice of his father, he helps his grandmother, and he calls me often, just to talk. He plans family things, such as cookout on the deck, and he does the cooking. He helps with the landscaping of our house, even though he no longer lives with us. He wants to be with his family. And it has been such a long time ... such a very long time … since we all have simply enjoyed each other. Like the prodigal son that has been gone for so long, he has finally come home. And I will not allow my baggage to bubble to the surface and take that away from my family. I will not allow my baggage to take that away from my son; and I will not allow it to take these good moments away from me. Haven’t we all lost enough?
As in the words of Bon Jovi,
“Hello Again, it’s you and me.
Kinda always like it used to be.
How’s your life, it’s been awhile?
God it is good to see you smile.
Do you want to make a memory? “
Of one thing I am sure, these memories that we are creating now, they will give us strength to deal with whatever more his drug addiction may throw at us. And I hope that these memories will do the same for him.
So when my son is visiting and he suggests that we play a round of cards, I drop what I am doing and say, “Sure.” As we are ‘beating the pants’ off his father and sister, I pause to take in the smile that is across his face. And as I pray that we are creating a memory that means something to him, I can feel myself begin to be lifted from the ruins of his drug addiction. So I take a deep breath, let it all go, and allow myself to be happy.
For at that moment ------ I have a glass.
Eighteen at PSST - The Role-Play: the Moron Manifesto
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Eighteen parents (all time high number) attended our PSST group on 5-5-07. The excellent turn-out created a reunion for several long-time members who do not attend as often as they once did. Much good information about enabling was discussed. Especially, several parents had read and wanted to refer to the post by Lori. It was so nice that she was present and could add more to what she had written.
Some discussion focused on enabling. What is it? What does it look like, etc. On it would seem that everyone can agree with the basic tenet that you should not enable your teenage drug addict. However, the devil is in the details. One parent asserted, and several agreed with her that enabling is giving any help at all to their drug addict if he is not working seriously on his recovery from addiction.
The Role-Play: the Moron Manifesto
We broke at 10:45 as we usually do. We came back in at 11:00 and role-played until 11:30 AM. This role-play is inspired by the ones that we did in group.
Scenario: At the last family visit at the rehab where Son is inpatient, he called his parents Bleeping Morons and exited from the visit. He was only about ten actual minutes into the visit. This role-play takes place at a followup meeting or visit. Now the parents would like to structure for this happening in the future.
Mom: Listen, we want to tell you something that we have been thinking about.
Dad: Yeah, just listen to us for a ten minutes, OK?
Son: No- I'm tired of listening to you two. I don't want to listen to anything you have to say. I'm tired, you're both full of Chit. I'm gonna talk right now and let's see how you guys like listening.
Mom: OK, OK, you talk. Fine. Let me know when you are done talking and then we'll take our turn. Go ahead. Talk.
Son: I need to know how long I'm going to be in here. You guys can't be trusted. If I would have known how long I was going to be in here I would never have agreed to come here in the first place- you know that don't you? [Blah Blah Blah goes on for three or four minutes.]
[In spite of the fact that some of what is said might provoke an argument with the parents, they refuse to take the bait. They just pay attention and nod their heads.]
Mom: [Looking at Dad instead of at Son] You know, I'm not sure that this is a good to tell him what we have decided.
Dad: [Looking at Mom] You might be right honey.
Mom: Well we can cover this with him next time then. At some point he needs to know what we have decided. I don't want to keep him in the dark [still looking at dad.]
Son: [He has quit ranting once they were no longer looking at him. ] What? what are you talking about?
Dad: We're just waiting for you to stop so that we can tell you what we have decided.
Son: What do you mean "decided?"
Mom: We have talked to your Probation Officer and we have made some decisions. Is it our turn?
Son: Yes, already!
Dad: Well Son, we need you to not interrupt us until we are done.
Son: All right, I said! Go ahead!
Mom: We think that these visits are rough on you, really they are rough on everybody. If you get upset during a visit, its OK with us if you walk out and go back to your room.
Son: That's it?
Mom: That's the first part, Yes.
Son: I already know that! I don't need you two to decide that. I can walk out anyway!
Dad: We know you can. We decided that when you do it- it is OK with us. It might be better than sitting here having an argument. You can do it now if feel that you need to.
Mom: In fact, we might do it if we get upset too.
Son: OK, OK OK. [Rolling eyes and making faces] I don't want to walk out now! I'm fine.
Mom: But you understand that it's OK with us if you do need to walk out?
Son: I talked to my therapist about this. She told me that walking out is better than staying and arguing.
Dad: Yeah, and if you need to walk out that's fine. But calling us Bleeping Morons, that is unacceptable.
Son: You just made me mad! You always make me mad! [showing facial signs of being angry with gritted teeth.]
Dad: Well, we've been thinking about the Bleeping Moron part a lot.
Son: If the shoe fits...[Said in a mumble].
Mom: [Parents refuse to take the if the shoe fits bait- they ignore mumbling] We have come up with what we call a Bleeping Moron Manifesto. We did this because we think you are right about one thing. We need to be a little bit smarter.
Dad: Yes, we want to read it to you. It is only 12 things.
Son: [Rolling eyes again.] Is this necessary?
Dad: Reads the following list:
1. We are Bleeping Morons if we ever allow you keep drugs in our house- we will do what we need to do to stop that even if we have to search the house daily or even bring the police and the drug-sniffing dogs into our house.
2. We are Bleeping Morons if we ever keep anything important from your Probation Officer. Secrets keep us sick. We will not keep secrets for you
3. We are Bleeping Morons if we ever try to rescue you from the consequences of your own decisions. You will have a hard time learning from your mistakes if we do that. If you break it- you buy it! And just for an example: if you want a private attorney for the next time you are in Court- start saving now. They are expensive and we don't pay for your attorneys anymore.
4. We are Bleeping Morons if we worry that you might not trust us anymore. You don't need Parents that you can trust- you need parents who will supervise you and hold you accountable. Trust only that we will do everything in our power to help you choose recovery over jails, institutions and death.
5. We are Bleeping Morons if we ever insist that you come home to live after it becomes clear that you can not stay clean and recover at home. We are not saying that it has become clear that you cannot recover at home, but when it does become clear- we will insist that you are placed somewhere where you can get what you need to stay clean. You can not stay in our home and choose to do drugs under any circumstances.
6. We are Bleeping Morons if we allow you to make us mad and we start yelling at you. We know that we can be more effective if we work at holding you accountable and keep our yelling to a minimum. Sometimes we might yell because we are frustrated, but when we catch ourselves doing it we will stop. FDR's goal was to "walk softly and carry a big stick." Our goal is to walk softly and carry different size sticks. Some of our sticks are bigger.
7. We are Bleeping Morons if we ever think that just talking to you is going to make a big difference. We know that you can't always hear us when we speak. We know that we must take an action in order to send you a message and we will not hesitate to sanction or to offer rewards, depending on your behavior.
8. We are Bleeping Morons if we allow you to twist things around so this all becomes our problem. We did not cause you to become a drug addict. We can not cure you from your drug addiction. We can not make you choose recovery. All we can do is do our job as parents by holding you accountable. If you don't like the consequences for your decisions, that is your problem- not ours. You figure it out.
9. We are Bleeping Morons if allow ourselves to argue and debate you. We are powerless to convince you of much of anything anyway. Instead of arguing with you- we will take the appropriate actions and we will not expect you to agree or to approve of the actions that we take. When you hear us use the words, "Nevertheless" and "Regardless" that is your cue that the discussion is closed.
10. We are Bleeping Morons if we continue to see our job as parents to have anything to do with being nice to you. We will offer you praise when you deserve it. We will tell you that we love you even though you may act as if you don't believe that. We will offer you the comfort we think appropriate, but we will not provide you with expensive clothes, sneakers, a car to drive, an alternate dinner when you would rather not eat what we have prepared, a monopoly on the car radio stations, the front car seat, exclusive rights to the TV remote, exclusive rights to the phone, a maid service for your dirty bedroom, a pick-up-your-clothes off the floor service, the right to blast your music though out the house so that we all have to listen to it, or the right of privacy in regards to your space, your phone calls, or your computer activities. We know now that being nice to you in those ways for some reason makes it more difficult for you to grow and mature.
11. We are Bleeping Morons if we ever keep secrets for you from your therapist or from your Probation Officer. We know we said that in number Two but we think we need to say it twice. You may tell us that we are turning in our own flesh and blood to the cops, but nevertheless, you should know that we will not keep your secrets!
12. We are Bleeping Morons if we ever sit here and allow you to call us names or to treat us disrespectfully. From now on we will leave the visit when that happens. And when you return home, we are Morons if we allow you treat us disrespectfully. Remember, if you ever get loud or take a temper tantrum when you are asking us to let you do something- the answer will automatically be "NO."
