Eighteen parents (all time high number) attended our PSST group on 5-5-07. The excellent turn-out created a reunion for several long-time members who do not attend as often as they once did. Much good information about enabling was discussed. Especially, several parents had read and wanted to refer to the post by Lori. It was so nice that she was present and could add more to what she had written.
Some discussion focused on enabling. What is it? What does it look like, etc. On it would seem that everyone can agree with the basic tenet that you should not enable your teenage drug addict. However, the devil is in the details. One parent asserted, and several agreed with her that enabling is giving any help at all to their drug addict if he is not working seriously on his recovery from addiction.
The Role-Play: the Moron Manifesto
We broke at 10:45 as we usually do. We came back in at 11:00 and role-played until 11:30 AM. This role-play is inspired by the ones that we did in group.
Scenario: At the last family visit at the rehab where Son is inpatient, he called his parents Bleeping Morons and exited from the visit. He was only about ten actual minutes into the visit. This role-play takes place at a followup meeting or visit. Now the parents would like to structure for this happening in the future.
Mom: Listen, we want to tell you something that we have been thinking about.
Dad: Yeah, just listen to us for a ten minutes, OK?
Son: No- I'm tired of listening to you two. I don't want to listen to anything you have to say. I'm tired, you're both full of Chit. I'm gonna talk right now and let's see how you guys like listening.
Mom: OK, OK, you talk. Fine. Let me know when you are done talking and then we'll take our turn. Go ahead. Talk.
Son: I need to know how long I'm going to be in here. You guys can't be trusted. If I would have known how long I was going to be in here I would never have agreed to come here in the first place- you know that don't you? [Blah Blah Blah goes on for three or four minutes.]
[In spite of the fact that some of what is said might provoke an argument with the parents, they refuse to take the bait. They just pay attention and nod their heads.]
Mom: [Looking at Dad instead of at Son] You know, I'm not sure that this is a good to tell him what we have decided.
Dad: [Looking at Mom] You might be right honey.
Mom: Well we can cover this with him next time then. At some point he needs to know what we have decided. I don't want to keep him in the dark [still looking at dad.]
Son: [He has quit ranting once they were no longer looking at him. ] What? what are you talking about?
Dad: We're just waiting for you to stop so that we can tell you what we have decided.
Son: What do you mean "decided?"
Mom: We have talked to your Probation Officer and we have made some decisions. Is it our turn?
Son: Yes, already!
Dad: Well Son, we need you to not interrupt us until we are done.
Son: All right, I said! Go ahead!
Mom: We think that these visits are rough on you, really they are rough on everybody. If you get upset during a visit, its OK with us if you walk out and go back to your room.
Son: That's it?
Mom: That's the first part, Yes.
Son: I already know that! I don't need you two to decide that. I can walk out anyway!
Dad: We know you can. We decided that when you do it- it is OK with us. It might be better than sitting here having an argument. You can do it now if feel that you need to.
Mom: In fact, we might do it if we get upset too.
Son: OK, OK OK. [Rolling eyes and making faces] I don't want to walk out now! I'm fine.
Mom: But you understand that it's OK with us if you do need to walk out?
Son: I talked to my therapist about this. She told me that walking out is better than staying and arguing.
Dad: Yeah, and if you need to walk out that's fine. But calling us Bleeping Morons, that is unacceptable.
Son: You just made me mad! You always make me mad! [showing facial signs of being angry with gritted teeth.]
Dad: Well, we've been thinking about the Bleeping Moron part a lot.
Son: If the shoe fits...[Said in a mumble].
Mom: [Parents refuse to take the if the shoe fits bait- they ignore mumbling] We have come up with what we call a Bleeping Moron Manifesto. We did this because we think you are right about one thing. We need to be a little bit smarter.
Dad: Yes, we want to read it to you. It is only 12 things.
Son: [Rolling eyes again.] Is this necessary?
Dad: Reads the following list:
1. We are Bleeping Morons if we ever allow you keep drugs in our house- we will do what we need to do to stop that even if we have to search the house daily or even bring the police and the drug-sniffing dogs into our house.
2. We are Bleeping Morons if we ever keep anything important from your Probation Officer. Secrets keep us sick. We will not keep secrets for you
3. We are Bleeping Morons if we ever try to rescue you from the consequences of your own decisions. You will have a hard time learning from your mistakes if we do that. If you break it- you buy it! And just for an example: if you want a private attorney for the next time you are in Court- start saving now. They are expensive and we don't pay for your attorneys anymore.
4. We are Bleeping Morons if we worry that you might not trust us anymore. You don't need Parents that you can trust- you need parents who will supervise you and hold you accountable. Trust only that we will do everything in our power to help you choose recovery over jails, institutions and death.
5. We are Bleeping Morons if we ever insist that you come home to live after it becomes clear that you can not stay clean and recover at home. We are not saying that it has become clear that you cannot recover at home, but when it does become clear- we will insist that you are placed somewhere where you can get what you need to stay clean. You can not stay in our home and choose to do drugs under any circumstances.
6. We are Bleeping Morons if we allow you to make us mad and we start yelling at you. We know that we can be more effective if we work at holding you accountable and keep our yelling to a minimum. Sometimes we might yell because we are frustrated, but when we catch ourselves doing it we will stop. FDR's goal was to "walk softly and carry a big stick." Our goal is to walk softly and carry different size sticks. Some of our sticks are bigger.
7. We are Bleeping Morons if we ever think that just talking to you is going to make a big difference. We know that you can't always hear us when we speak. We know that we must take an action in order to send you a message and we will not hesitate to sanction or to offer rewards, depending on your behavior.
8. We are Bleeping Morons if we allow you to twist things around so this all becomes our problem. We did not cause you to become a drug addict. We can not cure you from your drug addiction. We can not make you choose recovery. All we can do is do our job as parents by holding you accountable. If you don't like the consequences for your decisions, that is your problem- not ours. You figure it out.
9. We are Bleeping Morons if allow ourselves to argue and debate you. We are powerless to convince you of much of anything anyway. Instead of arguing with you- we will take the appropriate actions and we will not expect you to agree or to approve of the actions that we take. When you hear us use the words, "Nevertheless" and "Regardless" that is your cue that the discussion is closed.
10. We are Bleeping Morons if we continue to see our job as parents to have anything to do with being nice to you. We will offer you praise when you deserve it. We will tell you that we love you even though you may act as if you don't believe that. We will offer you the comfort we think appropriate, but we will not provide you with expensive clothes, sneakers, a car to drive, an alternate dinner when you would rather not eat what we have prepared, a monopoly on the car radio stations, the front car seat, exclusive rights to the TV remote, exclusive rights to the phone, a maid service for your dirty bedroom, a pick-up-your-clothes off the floor service, the right to blast your music though out the house so that we all have to listen to it, or the right of privacy in regards to your space, your phone calls, or your computer activities. We know now that being nice to you in those ways for some reason makes it more difficult for you to grow and mature.
11. We are Bleeping Morons if we ever keep secrets for you from your therapist or from your Probation Officer. We know we said that in number Two but we think we need to say it twice. You may tell us that we are turning in our own flesh and blood to the cops, but nevertheless, you should know that we will not keep your secrets!
12. We are Bleeping Morons if we ever sit here and allow you to call us names or to treat us disrespectfully. From now on we will leave the visit when that happens. And when you return home, we are Morons if we allow you treat us disrespectfully. Remember, if you ever get loud or take a temper tantrum when you are asking us to let you do something- the answer will automatically be "NO."
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