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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Learning is . . . life's greatest adventure . . . ~ Taylor Caldwell, American
author
You are invited
to attend your choice of two educational groups open to the community and PSST
parents. The groups will feature the topics of how to improve family
communication (listening and dealing with conflict) and grief
education/counseling. The workshops are free, and will be informative and
interactive in nature.
Wesley
Spectrum interns Abby Temple and Elizabeth Bayley will host the groups. The
groups will run from 9-11:30 at Saints Simon and Jude Church, 1607 Greentree
Road, Scott Twp, PA 15220 (our usual 3rd week meeting location) on Saturday, November 23. Please join us!
Note: The groups are in fulfillment of graduation
requirements for a Masters in Counseling Education from Duquesne University.
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At the Saturday Wexford meeting, Francois and I "volunteered" to have our specific situation depicted in a role play. As is so often the case, the role play and discussion that followed turned my thinking upside down. I came to the meeting convinced that I had arrived at a place of detachment and strength regarding my drug-abusing son. As I found out, there was much more bubbling below the surface.
The situation involved letting our son, Pierre, know that we were not comfortable with him dropping by and hanging out at our house while he waited for his girlfriend to pick him up. We felt like prisoners in our home--following him around, having to remind him that he could not lock the door to his former bedroom, locking upstairs bedroom doors, hiding our money. Francois and I had already told him that he could not shower or sleep at our house and, although he hadn't handled that very well, he no longer asked to do those things. We now needed to let him know that we did not want him using our house as a temporary hangout.
As the role play unfolded, I realized that I was not coming from a place of love and detachment, but of anger, resentment and fear. As Francois and I continue to work on creating peace in our home and a better relationship with our other two sons, it hit me that I was trying to push Pierre away; I no longer wanted a weekly reminder that I have a son who continues to use drugs and may be involved in other, equally dangerous, activities. During the discussion, there was mention that, because of his lifestyle choices, each encounter with our son could be our last. It was difficult to hear, but also a jarring eye opener.
Pierre stopped by that afternoon. Francois and I know that a three-way conversation with Pierre is impossible, so I attempted my version of the role play when Pierre and I were sitting at the kitchen table. It went something like this:
Pierre: So what did you want to talk about?
Brigitte: Well, I just wanted to apologize for something.
Pierre: Oh yeah?
Brigitte: As you probably can tell, I am struggling with a few things lately. I have been feeling a lot of anger, fear, and disappointment in the choices you've been making and I don't think I've been handling it very well. (pause) I'm sure it hasn't been fun for you to stop by when Dad and I are following you around the house every second and acting so tense when you are here.
Pierre: I don't know why you do that anyway.
Brigitte: Well, as I said, it's my problem. I'm feeling a lot of distrust and worried that something might get stolen, and I am not able to get past it right now. I'm working on it, but in the meantime, I am really uncomfortable when you're here and roaming around the house.
Pierre: So?
Brigitte: Well, we love seeing you and you're welcome to come here as long as dad and I know in advance when you are coming and how long the visit will be. We just aren't comfortable with unannounced visits or having you hang out in other parts of the house. We can visit together when you are here.
Pierre: Okay, whatever. I don't really like coming here that much anyway. It's so boring here.
Brigitte: Yep, it's very boring here (resisting the temptation to add "Finally!"). By the way, are you coming for Thanksgiving?
Pierre: Only if it's here and not at Aunt _____'s house. I hate driving all the way there and staying all day.
Brigitte: Oh good, I was planning on having it here anyway so that works out well.
Pierre: Okay. Hey, I built bookshelves for my house and they look sweet.
(The visit continued with chit chat about his new place and who he is living with.)
It's amazing to me that, after three years of attending PSST, I can still be surprised by the depth of insight, compassion and strength that this group has to offer. I am so grateful for that, and also for the extra hugs and kind words!
Thank you so much--
Brigitte
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Marijuana and E-Cigs
Posted by:Jenn--Monday, October 21, 2013
Local reports from
Florida, New York, and Philadelphia have reported on
the trend of using electronic cigarettes to vaporize marijuana, citing concerns
of parents, law makers, and law enforcement agents who worry that electronic
cigarettes allow users to get high without detection. Both products are legal
in some states and not in others, making enforcement even more challenging.
Thanks
to Lloyd for sharing this link!
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(Thanks to Mary Canary for sharing this article.)
With his new documentary, “Out of
Reach,” filmmaker Cyrus Stowe, a senior at a Dallas high school, set out to
uncover the growing problem of friends sharing and abusing prescription
medications in his hometown.
"I’m grateful that my film can open
eyes and prompt action, and that can start with talking with your kids about
medicine abuse, and safeguarding your medicine. It’s as simple as going into
your bathroom, opening up your medicine cabinet and understanding the orange
bottles in front of you are easy targets for abuse. Keep them safe and out of
reach."
Read the rest of Stowe's account about
the problem, along with his experience in making the film, by clicking here.
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Quote from Paul & Anne's Parents of the Year acceptance speech at the Allegheny County awards ceremony, October 2013:
Please remember this in regards to our child's addiction:
* We didn't cause it.
* We can't control it.
* We can't cure it.
We can't want their sobriety more than they do. When we do, it leads to enabling behavior that is ultimately detrimental to our child's well being.
The one thing Paul & I have learned from this journey is: Even when we can't change a situation, we can change our response to it!
We still take it one day at a time, but believe us . . . there is hope when all seems hopeless!
2013 Allegheny County Juvenile Court Parents of the Year (full speech)
- This is sort of like winning the prettiest person award in an ugly contest. You wish that you weren't eligible to be considered, but yet proud to be selected.
- Thank you for this recognition, it has been added and checked off on our bucket list! Who knew!
- We have met so many parents throughout our journey that are so much more deserving of this award than us, but thank you.
- There isn't a parent here tonight who didn't have a different hope and dreams for their child, but life has a way of thrusting us into situations we never dreamed we would face.
- We stand before you this evening with a message of hope,
o Because frankly, sometimes, hope is all we have.
o But hope needs help! It needs the assistance of perseverance.
- We must be an advocate for our children . . . be their voice when navigating through the system.
There are so many people that we'd like to thank for helping keep our son alive until he came to the realization that he had to change. We call them, Team Cameron:
- Sheri Magill, Act 53 * Lloyd Woodward
- Kathie Tagmyer * Val Ketter
- Justin Innocent, Wesley Spectrum / Juvenile Probation Officer
- Elizabeth Bayley, Wesley Spectrum * Bob Banos
- Judge Dwayne Woodruff * Judge Borkowski
Just to give you an idea of the journey Team Cameron has traveled, here are the places we have all been to beginning in April 2008:
- Western Psych April-May 2008:
- Pyramid Ridgeview May-July 2008:
- LOTS OF OUTPATIENT REHAB AND COUNSELING
- Shuman July 5-August 2010:
- Abraxas I August 2010-February 2011:
- Liberty Station February-May 2011:
- Shuman May 2011:
- Alpha House May-August 2, 2011:
- August 2-August 9: Ran from Alpha, relapsed
- CLEAN DATE: August 8, 2011
- Allegheny County Jail August 9-September 2011:
- Shuman September 2011:
- Abraxas LDP September 2011-February 2012
- Gateway YES February-April 2012:
- Liberty Station April-June 2012:
- Shuman June 2012:
- Rutter House June-August 2012:
- Shuman August 2012:
- First Step August-September 2012:
- Shuman September 2012:
- September 7, 2012: Regained freedom after 2 years and 2 months of institutions
- Pathways 3/4 House September-October 31, 2012:
- Own Apartment in Mt. Lebanon October 31-Present:
We came to the decision that for our son's best interest, he could never live with us again. That was one of the most difficult decisions that we've ever been faced with. But it was the right decision for our relationship with Cameron.
Additionally, we'd like to thank:
- Jesse Yunker; who, without your guidance and friendship and empty bedroom! You have provided a safe, comfortable and clean environment for Cameron so that we may rest without too much worry each night.
- Cameron's brothers: Jason, Brian & Aaron for welcoming him back into our family with your unconditional love and support and praise for where he is today. Dad & I know how difficult the years were for YOU and we will NEVER forget your understanding of the decisions we made concerning your little brother.
- And Amber and Ashlynn for being the BEST additions to our crazy family.
- MOST IMPORTANTLY . . . PSST parents - we could not have gotten through this without your tears & laughter as we gave our updates and reached out for support, ideas or just HUGS when we were at the bottom of a very very deep hole.
Please remember this in regards to our child's addiction:
- We didn't cause it.
- We can't control it.
- We can't cure it.
We can't want their sobriety more than they do. When we do, it leads to enabling behavior that is ultimately detrimental to our child's well being.
The one thing Paul & I have learned from this journey is: Even when we can't change a situation, we can change our response to it!
I'd like to read the Facebook post Cameron made immediately after hearing that Paul & I were chosen "Parents of the Year".
My mom just told me that her and my dad have been chosen Allegheny County Juvenile Court Parents of the Year. I'm so happy they finally get the recognition they deserve. Everybody tells me how great I'm doing and how far I've come, but people rarely realize the hell and embarrassment I put them and the rest of my family through. I couldn't have accomplished everything I've done in the last 2 years without their love, support and annoying me enough to motivate myself to go do something with myself. Love you mom and dad"
Words we never thought we'd ever hear from Cameron!
Ladies and gentlemen: Please give a round of applause for our son, Cameron, who is now 26 months clean and successfully working the Narcotics Anonymous program.
We still take it one day at a time, but believe us . . . there is hope when all seems hopeless!
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The Word is Out . . .
Posted by:Jenn--Thursday, October 10, 2013
The Allegheny County Juvenile Probation Awards
Ceremony was held tonight in Pittsburgh, so now it’s official!
 |
| Anne & Paul at the PSST meeting celebration |
Paul &
Anne are the Allegheny County Parents of the Year! Members of their personal family, as well as
members of their PSST family, were at the ceremony to show their support and
pride for what this couple has achieved.
For their firm yet compassionate dealings with their son, for what
they’ve been through & survived together as a family, and for their encouragement
in helping others in the PSST group – they truly set an example for us all.
After their speech at the ceremony, their son (now 26 months clean) joined
them at the front of the room to give them hugs – such a fitting and
heartwarming gesture.
 |
Lloyd, Val, Cam, Anne, Paul & others at the
Allegheny County Awards Ceremony
Justin is the Probation Officer Rookie of the Year! His supervisor nominated him based on his ability to pick up his new job duties so quickly and efficiently, his dedication to his work, and his willingness to help the organization in whatever capacity he was needed. |
Congratulations to all of these deserving individuals!
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Addiction & Loss
Posted by:Jenn--Thursday, October 10, 2013
Thanks to "Wilma" for sending us the following article about a documentary film focused on heroin addiction.
Using her own money and donations from friends, Rachele Morelli commissioned a film detailing how her son became a heroin addict, as well as the impact of his death on his family and friends. She has distributed it free to school districts throughout Westmoreland County, Pennsylvania. http://triblive.com/mobile/4846199-96/film-morelli-heroin
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Resources for You!
Posted by:Jenn--Thursday, October 10, 2013
Thanks to "Mary Canary" for sending us
information on the following resources for parents and their communities:
"Out
of Reach" is a special documentary created by a teen filmmaker who
captures the issue of teen prescription drug abuse. This site provides information about
how to share the full film and an accompanying "Out of Reach" toolkit
with friends, schools, communities, families and more. http://medicineabuseproject.org/resources/out-of-reach-medicine-abuse-through-the-eyes-of-a-teen
The
Partnership at Drugfree.org is one of the helpful links featured in the right
column of this PSST blog. This site
offers numerous videos, toolkits, and guides for parents on such topics as
connecting with your teen, how to spot drug & alcohol use, how to prevent
drug & alcohol use, etc. You can
find these resources at http://theparenttoolkit.org/
The Parents360 Rx Action Toolkit is
a new community education resource that can be used by professionals from law
enforcement, prevention and treatment, as well as by any concerned adults who
want to share information about medicine abuse with their friends, family,
neighbors and organizations to which they belong. Check out this toolkit at http://pact360.org/
if you would like to promote its use in your
community.
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Come celebrate with us!
This is our annual Award. The actual award will be given on Thursday, October 10th at the Allegheny County Awards get together at 550 Fifth Ave., downtown Pittsburgh starting at 6:00 PM. All parents are welcome; but this Saturday is just for us! Cake anyone?
Our Parents of the Year were nominated by both parents and staff. We do not have an official way of nominating but people do approach Kathie and I and tell us who they think should have it.
Each year this award usually goes to one of our PSST parents who has both used the parenting skills of PSST and who also has given back to the PSST group in a substantial way. It was another year of tough choices as so many parents in our group stood out.
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The Serenity Prayer With A Twist
By Ed
As a parent and longtime volunteer at Gateway Rehabilitation Center Greentree in the Family Night Program for families of adolescents having substance abuse problems, I have observed many family members, including myself, who have found Serenity while surviving in the midst of all of the chaos surrounding their loved one’s addiction, and many more who have not. It has often baffled me as to why some can find it, and many, many others just cannot.
While reflecting upon the Serenity Prayer recently, I was struck by one of those thoughts that immediately elicit the mental response, “Surely, someone has thought of this before now!”. But, I have never seen or heard it expressed in just this way, so here it is.
Perhaps the first two lines of the Serenity Prayer became reversed somewhere along the way.
That is to say that possibly…........
“God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change those things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference.”
should read……….
“God grant me the Courage to change those things I can,
Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
and Wisdom to know the difference.”
Now, why in the world would that kind of a twist in the Serenity Prayer occur to anyone? I think that this is why...
The Serenity Prayer in its original order, as we are used to seeing it, seems to be a bit passive. In other words, we are asking God to grant or give us Serenity, Courage and Wisdom with no particular stated effort on our part.
Well, does the old saying “God helps those that help themselves.” have any validity, or not? I believe that it does, and should be taken into consideration when praying the Serenity Prayer.
As you probably know, Habitat for Humanity facilitates the building of homes for folks who, otherwise, could not afford to acquire a home of their own. However, each recipient of Habitat’s charitable work must, themselves, complete a required number of hours of work on their home in order to receive the benefits provided by Habitat. Plain and simple, if they do not help, then they do not receive. This perpetrates a kind of “sweat equity”, if you will, creating more of a sense of ownership and responsibility.
My experience in working with family members of adolescents with substance abuse problems has been that those who have been pro-active in their approach to the issues involved are the ones who have had the most success in finding the frequently elusive Serenity. Summoning the Courage to change the things that they could has been, for them, a giant step in their search for Serenity. They have chose to act first in making needed changes, and have been rewarded with more Serenity sooner than those who have not.
So, what changes have they made, those who have, indeed, found some of this elusive Serenity? Well, they have changed themselves. They have changed by choosing to react differently to the addictive behaviors of others, more calmly and more reasonably, in a more thoughtful manner. And, they have changed by choosing to eliminate their own enabling behaviors, both active and passive.
Take Courage and change those things that you can, and just feel the Serenity come rolling in. That’s the Wisdom!
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Are You Having Trouble Leaving a Comment?
[I just noticed that this post is the most widely read this week; therefore, I have updated the email link and reposted it as current. I think the comments are still helpful. It was originally Posted by:Rocco -- Sunday, October 10, 2010] L. Woodward
We have received some feedback lately that people are/are not able to leave comments on the various posts. It seems to be running about 50/50. Sometimes we have heard if you log off and then log back on a second time it works.
The easier solution is to look to the top right of the PSST Blog right underneath "Search This Blog." Go to the "E-mail your story to gopsst@gmail.com" and e-mail your comments to us.
We want to hear from you so please keep sending in your comments, questions, observations or a personal experieince that you would like to share. If you want to listed under a pen name or as anonymous just let us know in your e-mail.
Thanks!
(Click "Read More" so that you can read the comments.- R)
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At our Wexford meeting the question came up, "Our Son is obsessed with Internet Gaming. Should we allow him to continue gaming once he is discharged from the rehab?"
No doubt if your son was obsessed with gaming he certainly played games high. Probably his preferred method of playing internet games was high. While we can all debate the value or problems associated with internet gaming by teenagers who sometimes prefer the dazzling screen action over going outside on a nice sunny day, one thing appears certain: gaming will be a trigger for the addict who is trying to stay clean post discharge from a drug rehab. He will not be able to play without feeling urges to abuse drugs.
Therefore, one approach is to ask for a 90-day commitment prior to discharge to refrain from all game playing. After the first 90 days we could have a discussion about "limited play."
A second approach was to limit game playing right from the start, using internet gaming on Saturday only (for example) and then only if all other recovery and behavior goals are met. This second approach trades some triggering on Saturdays in hopes of getting a more-highly motivated youth Sunday through Friday.
There is no single recommended method. Knowing your teenager is important. It is also important to know what you are willing to enforce. For example, if you know that you are going to cave in and allow gaming anyway once your youth gets home then it's better not to make it part of the contract. If you do make it part of the contract and your teenager realizes that you have caved on that item it sends a message that the contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on.
At the point of our role-play we did at PSST, release was not imminent. Because there was weeks before discharge it allowed the parents to just express that they were "NOT COMFORTABLE" with the gaming. They did not yet make a final decision on gaming, but it's starting to not look to good for gaming and of course the teenager is beginning to panic. This gave the parents to a chance to practice one of our basic parenting tools, "I'm not comfortable with that."
Not only is this tool good for addressing the topic of gaming, but it is good structuring in general. In other words, it shows that it matters whether or not the parent feels comfortable. Too often the comfortability level of the parents have meant nothing. If there is an argument about whether or not Johnny can go out, the debate focuses on what Johnny says he is going to do, who Johnny says he is going to hang out with, and whether or not the parents can trust Johnny to do that. It sort of goes unspoken that the parents are not really comfortable, but if they can't prove that something bad is going to happen they sort of have to give Johnny the benefit of the doubt.
Somehow as parents we have bought into the premise that if we can't really "prove" that a certain thing is bad, then it would be unfair if we did not allow our teenager to go ahead and try it. Therefore, we argue about it. And our teenagers are relentless debaters and more often than not, we lose the debate.
On the other hand if the premise weren't about proving anything, but was rather about whether or not parents felt comfortable then there would be no argument (except in certain circumstances where things could change to the point where a parent would feel more comfortable.)
Note: Feeling "uncomfortable" is not exactly the same as feeling "Not Comfortable." Saying, "I'm not comfortable with that" carries more weight than saying "I'm uncomfortable with that." Being uncomfortable is riding a water ride at Kennywood and now your socks and underwear are damp. Instead, looking your teen in the eye and stating "I'm Not Comfortable with that," and putting the emphasis on "Not" is stronger. Either will work, but one is stronger.
The following role-play was inspired by the one we did at PSST; however, this went in a somewhat different direction than that one did. As is so often the case, once I start writing a role-play the characters seem to have a mind of their own and I just go with it.
Mom: I'm Not Comfortable with the idea that you will be discharged from this drug rehab, and go back to your obsession with gaming.
Teen: You mean I can't play x-box? Why?
Mom: I'm just not comfortable with it.
Teen: Well if I'm being punished then, at least give me a reason. I mean I agreed to come here, now I'm being punished.
Mom: OK, OK, you are right.
CTeen: I am?
Mom: Yes, you are- you deserve a reason but all I'm saying is that you won't like the reason.
Teen: Well, what is it?
Mom: Parent leans in, [lowers her voice, looks her son right in the eye]"Son, I'm NOT comfortable with you returning to People, Places or Things of your addiction."
Teen: What? that's stupid!
Mom: Yes, I suppose it is stupid in some ways.
Teen: If you agree that it's stupid, then why?
Mom: I just think that this whole addiction thing has taken us through the looking glass and lot's of things just seem ridiculous now, nevertheless, I am Not Comfortable with you returning to People, places and things of your addiction!
Teen: That's stupid. Mom, I got high a lot right here in our house. Right up in my room, in the bathroom, and in the basement. Does that mean I can't go in the bathroom to take a crap anymore cause if that's what you're thinking I got to find a new place to take a dump, don't I?
Mom: Yes, that is an excellent point.
Teen: It is?
Mom: Yes, because it shows how ridiculous this whole thing has become. I can't expect that you don't use the bathroom can I?
Teen: I hope not.
Mom: So, you're saying that since I can't stop or control you from going back to some of your People, Places and Things that I shouldn't try to stop you from returning to any of them?
Teen: Yes, that's what I'm saying. Don't try to work my program for me.
Mom: OK, there's another good point. Regardless, I have to tell you I am Not Comfortable with you going back to gaming after you discharge from here.
Teen: So what? I'm going to game anyway.
Mom: I'm not comfortable with that.
Teen: So what?
Mom: Well, I was hoping that while you were in here you'd made significant changes.
Teen: I have! Ask my counselor if you don't believe me! I've made tons of changes, for crying out loud, I'm Community Leader here now, you know that right?
Mom: Yes, I know that Son and I'm very proud of you for all that you've done in here. Still, I'm disappointed too.
Teen: Oh geeze, there really is no pleasing you. You'll always find something to complain about.
Mom: Yes I am good at that somtimes, huh?
Teen: [rolls eyes] Let's hear it, what are you disappointed about?
Mom: Well, it never used to matter to you what I was not comfortable about. If I told you not to bring your friends over you'd do it anyway. If I told you to lower your music, you would refuse. Remember?
Teen: Yeah, but I was using then.
Mom: True. Regardless, I am not comfortable with you returning to gaming for the first 90 days after your discharge and that apparently means nothing to you, just like before. You know in some ways I'm not so sure that you've really changed that much. OH sure hold on, I am very proud of you for being Community Leader. I just wish I saw more of a commitment from you to follow rules and to accept my being in charge- especially when you don't agree with the rules or if you don't like th rules. But instead, I think we are going to bump heads a lot, do you think I'm wrong?
This can go on and on. The point is that mom is going to have this discussion about whether or not her teen has changed and Jeanne Ann from Gateway, who sat in our Wexford meeting, pointed out that it's important to have the discussion with the teen about whether or not the teen has changed. And remember too that if it appears that the teen has not really changed some strong consideration should be given to not coming right home after rehab but going to a halfway house first.
Teen: Well if you think you're calling all the shots after I get out I got a news flash for you Mom!
Mom: Oh?
Teen: You're not coming up with a bunch of new rules cause I'm not going to even pretend that I'm going along with that! Look, I came here, I became Community Leader and now I'm better, and I get to come home and resume my F***ing life!!! And you're not going to stop me. I won't do drugs but I'm doing it my way, you understand?
Mom: Oh I hear you. Loud and clear.
Teen: [glares]
Mom:: I'm glad we had that out.
Teen: Why?
Mom: Because you told me where you stand. I like that. You're right too, there's no sense in pretending that things have change.
Teen: Things have changed! I'm done with drugs.
Mom: Well that part I'm very happy about. But I mean things between you and me. You did what you wanted to do no matter what I said before, and now you are honest enough to clue me in that none of that part has changed.
Teen: No, that's no what I said! You're putting words in my mouth!
Mom: I'm sorry?
Teen: I will follow your rules completely as long as they make sense, but I'm not following the stupid ones.
Mom: OK, so that is a little different, you are willing to follow the rules that you agree with. OK, well Son I've got to be as honest with you as you've been with me, OK?
Teen: What?
Mom: I'm Not Comfortable with you coming straight home after rehab. I think we need to talk halfway houses.
Teen: Are you F***ing crazy?
Mom: Yes, probably I am but also you used to use all that profanity at home before rehab. Son, I'm Not Comfortable with that language either. That's another thing I had hoped you would change.
Teen: OK OK, see that's rule that makes sense, I'll watch the way I talk to you, but halfway house now that's not even recommended by my therapist! Do you realize that I'm Community Leader here?
Mom: You mentioned it, yes.
Teen: Well you can't do this to me! I'm definitely playing my X-box when I get home!
Mom: I'm not comfortable with you coming straight home.
Teen: What? Where did that come from?
Mom: I just think you're going to need more help and you and I are going to bump heads a LOT!
Teen: OK, OK, I'll limit the gaming like on Mondays I will not game at all; OK you happy with that? You are such a [pause] wait I won't say it right now, but gee whiz Mom I think if you don't ease up I am going to have to go back to getting high just to deal with YOU!
Mom: Good point!
Teen: What?
Mom: Well I am a trigger for you too. Look, honey I'm going to tour that halfway house, I'm thinking that this is too important not to trust my gut on this one and I'm just NOT Comfortable.
Teen: OK, look I won't hardly game at all, just on weekends if that makes you happy but please Mom, please do not say anything to my counselor about a halfway house. Please, I'm begging you please promise me that you'll keep this between us? OK?
Mom: Exactly! Because honey that's what just what I used to do! I used to not tell you father, your grandparents, your teachers or your friend's parents that I was worried sick about your growing drug problem. I was wrong. I was really wrong and that was such a big mistake. Today, I'm Not Comfortable keeping secrets. So yes, I will be speaking with your therapist.
Teen: I'm so done talking to you. You need help. You need to go see someone I'm going back to the unit.
Mom: OK, well we'll talk about this later! Bye honey...
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Last Saturday at PSST we talked about how to build a closer relationship with our teenager. As our guest Jean Ann from a local inpatient programs pointed out, "As parents we are so locked in to the struggle to get control of our drug abusing teenager that we forget how to stay connected."
How much of your time with your teenager is spent on control issues? Ten, twenty-five, fifty, even 75 percent? Higher? Of course there are extenuating circumstances, the biggest one being that your teens behavior needs confronting all the time. Even so, how much of this is repetitive? We think that by repeating our lectures and messages etc. that they will have more impact; however, the more we repeat ourselves with teens the more we might be counter-productive. Perhaps our teenager has nothing to say. Maybe they spend all their time in their room? Still, in this post I want to challenge you as to whether or not you can have more "not teachable moments" with your teenager.
When our teenager is actively abusing drugs all focus naturally is on trying to help him decide to stop abusing drugs. It doesn't feel like we have the luxury of chit chat. Once our teenager stops abusing drugs we sometimes just don't know how to get back in that "let's get to know each other mode."
Another window of opportunity to get to know our teens is when we become Straw Bosses. If for some reason our teenager doesn't live with us and we no longer have the same power to exert over them, we become Straw Bosses. Now we do have the luxury to build a better relationship but we might not know where to start. Now we aren't the family policemen but maybe we don't know what to say.
This is where we can consult the ordinary teen/ parent relationships for information.
For example, I found this five questions You Must Ask Your Teen Right Now. The author calls these character defining questions.
What is the most important quality a person can have? I love that one. Hazard a guess as to what your teen will answer and then go ask your teen. If you're surprised,that's a good thing to admit to your teenager. We all like to be a surprise, and none of us like to think of ourselves as being too predictable.
"What is the hardest thing about your life, what do you worry about most?" Too many of our teens would say "Probation!" Or would they?
"What are three words to describe you?" Hmmm,I'm not sure I can give you three words to describe me but it really does make you think. I guess that's the point.
Sometimes these are points from which discussions happen. They can't really give you a wrong answer. It's their opinion and you are showing them by asking that you value their opinion.
In the role-play we did in group, the parent asked the teenager for his opinion about an important decision that the parent was going to make. It wasn't something threatening like, "I think I'm going to leave your father" or "I think your Dad cheated on me, what do you think?" Obviously, you would have boundaries regarding what you ask your child for advice. Some things should be off limits. But it was something about the parent considering whether or not to take on a new job. The parent showed that he cared for for the teen's opinion. If we want to raise children who have the ability to form good opinions, then it follows that we treat them as though they have opinions that we value. Also, like these conversation starters they help us as parents to develop a different interaction with our children that isn't all about controlling their behavior. If over 75 percent of our interaction with our children is about teachable moments the maybe we can boost the not teachable moments interactions.
Another thing that I've considered. If I wanted my teens to talk to me, I should be willing to talk to them. Not that there is anything wrong with periods of silence, but sharing things with my teenagers like what I'm going through perhaps at work or in my personal relationships is sometimes OK, depending on what exactly it is that I'm sharing. I'm letting them get to know me and my values. I'm teaching values and at the same time I'm modeling for them how to share things with each other. Then I try to be very patient. There will come a time when they talk. Hopefully, it will happen from time to time.
Let's keep this in mind too. Talking and sharing is a voluntary act. Yes, you are the parent and sometimes you are entitled to information especially in 911 situations like failed drug tests, stolen money, and other accountability issues; however, squeezing kids for information about what happened in sports or what happened in school, what's going on with their friends is a good way to set up resentments. We have to respect that they don't want to share everything. Sometimes they are afraid that they will look bad or that they will open themselves up for criticism. Don't forget that when you sense that your teen is feeling bad about something that they are trying to share use a supportive phrase like, "Don't beat yourself up." This seems to help the teen share more and now he feels that you are on his side. Or you might also say, "Hey, I'm on your side." That does not mean that you agree with everything they say. For example, if your child feels that they are the reason their team lost the game and you believe that might be true because you know they should have passed the ball more and not tried to make every goal all by themselves you might say it like this:
Parent: "Hey, don't beat yourself up. It's one game.
Teen: Yeah, but it's my fault we lost. I played bad. I don't want to talk about it."
Parent: Well, yeah it's hard when you feel that way, but like I said, don't beat yourself up. Sure next time you'd probably try to pass more.
Teen: Oh yeah, I thought I could win the game all by myself but I'm a screw up. When the pressure was on, when it really counted and when the coach and all my teammates were counting on me, I couldn't come through.
Parent: Well yeah, that's hard. You're harder on yourself than anyone else.
Teen: Na, they all know I screwed up. They hate me.
[Pause] [Parent does not want this to turn into an argument about whether he is a screw up so he just thinks quietly for a second. He wants to make an "agreeing statement" but he is keen to avoid coming right out and saying "Oh yeah, you are the screw-up of the year aren't you?"
Parent: Look, I'm not sure it matters to you what I think but I'm just going to say it. The way you feel about the game going badly and how willing you are to take responsibility for the loss, it just shows how passionate you are about the game. You're really a competitor, a real fighter.
[Pause]
Parent: That's one of the things I admire about you.
Teen: What?
Parent: That you are a fighter. You know there are going to be times when you lose, and boy when that happens it really hurts. But you take that chance. And you keep coming back. Right now it really hurts, but just so you know, I love it that you're willing to get out there and risk all that hurt just to compete, to play, and you know, to leave it all out there on the field.
We will be imitated. It's inevitable. For example, if go through spats where we are punishing our children by giving them the silent treatment, then don't be surprised when they are teenagers and they are upset with us, that they return the favor. Now we are on the receiving end of the silent treatment. Once again it's also important to consider that in everything we do we are modeling behavior for our children.
Dr. Phil has this to say:
"For Parents: How Well Do You Know Your Teen?
"The questions below address how much you know about your child. They can be answered with either "yes" or "no." Make sure you can truly answer each question if you are going to write "yes." Often people assume they know the answer, but when pressed, they really do not."
Click here to go to Dr. Phil's Connect The Parent, 20 things that you should know about your child.
Keep in mind that if you are firing off questions one after the other your teenager may be defensive. Also, don't ask things that are traps or in other words, don't ask things for which there are no good answers. For example, "I want to know why you cheated on the test." I mean, c'mon the teen knows that there is no good answer and somehow we believe that by asking them a question for which there is no good answer we create a teachable moment. If it were that easy we could just go tell them to stand in the corner.
In fact, a good idea is to throw the word "why" right out the window. Teens might not know why and if they do they are not likely to tell you if they feel that they are being judged. Instead, ask open ended questions such as tell me about ____. Open ended questions can't be answered in one word, so it leads to more open exchanges.
Also, everyone is really passionate about something. If and when we get a chance to talk about something we feel really passionate about, we almost can't help talking. That's where we want to go with our teenagers. Of course if the only thing that your teen is passionate about is drugs, sex, and what we consider to be bad music, then that might not be the way to go. Most teens are also passionate about one or two other things: a favorite movie, book, TV series, sport, hobbies, etc. Even if it is a video game! If the video game is the one thing that our teen is passionate about and we immediately say, "Oh I don't like video games, and you spend way too much time playing them," then we have shut ourselves off from one vital avenue. We don't have to become avid video player to just listen and show interest. "What's your most favorite thing about the game? What's one way you would improve the game if you were the game designer? If you designed your own game what would it look like? Do you think the violence in the game is problem for some of the players? Is there anything in the game that you think is too over done? etc.
Whatever it is good luck in building the relationship. Keep the door open. Keep talking. And when you are stuck, it's OK to say, "You know I'm not sure what to say about that. Let me think about that one." That means that there will round #2. :-)
Click here to go to the post on minimizing resentments in teens.
There is a place where you can go to get advice from teens. You have to pay for it. Click here to go to Advice From Teens page. Or if you want to save a buck just ask the one(s) you have at home.
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Roxie's Relapse
Posted by:Jenn--Sunday, September 08, 2013
Roxie’s Relapse – Living Life through Lenny
by Roxie
I never thought I would reminisce on Lenny’s
various three-year placements with affectionately fond memories of celebrating
his birthdays at juvenile facilities. That was a cakewalk compared to the spiraling
relapse that Lenny is currently experiencing. I was told that relapse is part
of recovery, but was not prepared for its harsh reality. I’d rather not
remember that sobriety is the leading cause of relapse.
Lenny’s twin sister, Lena, has handled his deterioration
by picking up the habit of smoking cigarettes. That is something I am grateful
for. The smoke is Marlboro and not a new friend named Mary Jane. Last year,
that would have been an infraction that would have dire consequences. Not
anymore. She’s 18, has a job, and living with an addict brother who has the
utmost respect for her. Consequently, neither twin smokes or drinks in front of
me. In that and many other ways, I am blessed.
I deal with Lenny’s relapse by repeatedly
running away. My mother is 77, so I use that as an excuse to remove myself from
the home from early morn until 8pm to ‘take care of her.’ Even mommy asked,
while anxiously jabbing in the air with her cane, “Don’t you want to go home?”
Premonition is one of her innate Indian qualities, for I certainly did not tell
her about Lenny!
I acknowledge that I have become part of
Lenny’s relapse lunacy. When his addict friends are hungry, Lenny cooks them
dinner quickly while they wait in slobber on my back porch. “They’re hungry,”
he stated compassionately, while flipping a burger that looked reddish raw on
the inside. I peered through the window and recognized one of the boys from
Lenny’s placement days. I almost asked if he wanted cake…. he would eat it,
too.
During his current relapse, Lenny used to
come home every three days for food, water, and showers. He has become much
better since telling him that I talked to the Sheriff and I do not need an
eviction notice to remove him. Additionally, I called the local Magistrate to
see when a warrant for his arrest for unpaid fines would be issued. “You act
like you want one today,” stated the Magistrate’s secretary. “I cannot
drop everything and draw up a warrant, but it will be soon.” Since I am
unemployed, I wanted to become a magisterial temp, just for that day, while she
drafted up the warrant. Even with the law breathing down his sun-drenched neck
with numerous ‘hickeys’, Lenny is not fearful enough to change. I need to
modify how I respond to this relapse, for it is sheer stupidity to think
this is his final setback.
Roxie knows to:
- Stop feeling
that she is the woman who lost her soul; and her soul’s name is Lenny.
- Turn up the
heat on group meeting attendance, such as Al-Anon, Nar-Anon or PSST, to
solidify my own sanity. Church is good, but being with parents in groups
who understand is exceptionally better.
- Realize that
Lenny joining the military probably won’t happen due to him being unable
to provide a clean blood or urine sample.
- Accept that I
may answer the door one day for officials who want to arrest him.
- Continue to
let Lenny go, but include his famished friends in the release!
- Realize that
Roxie is not alone in this circumstance.
- Talk, talk,
talk, to anyone who will listen.
- Draw strength
from God or your higher power.
- A shoulder to
cry on is always available, from friends, for the asking.
- Understand
that between the ages of 18 and 78, there are still 60 years of hope
available.
Similar to never being prepared for death, one can never be prepared for
relapse. Roxie is learning to roll with it, realizing when enabling is
happening, and getting rid of that behavior at least on a temporary basis. I
even had an unorthodox idea of trying the “if you can’t beat them, join them”
method, with me having a few beers with Lenny. I imagined that he would be
mortified that I was getting ‘high’ with him and he would become sober out of
absolute embarrassment. It would work! Unfortunately, my bloodline indicates
that I would befall addiction similar to my Lenny.
“The men [Native Americans] have a good and
an evil side. Sober they are angels. Drunk, their evil side comes out, and
they are drunk a good part of the time.”
(Mary Brave Bird, Native American Quotations.)
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