written
by Brigitte
The PSST meeting this week was chock full: there were
several terrific role-plays and good discussions. As often happens, there was
not enough time to cover everyone's issues. There seemed to be a theme among
some parents whose kids were no longer on probation and no longer living at
home. Many are struggling.
Sadly, I can't say that is the case right now. After leaving the 3/4 house, the past three months have shown a steady decline in his commitment to recovery. He doesn't go to meetings, hasn't held a steady job in three months, and doesn't have a place to stay except for couch surfing with friends. He admits to using but claims it was only 4 or 5 times. Neither Francois or I believe that for a second and his actions confirm our fears. Until last week, he hadn't asked us for anything and we were still able to enjoy his weekly visits.
Last week he asked if we could help him find a place to stay. I told him that our offer of paying rent on a 3/4 house is still valid but obviously he would have to be clean. He didn't like that option. I said if he were clean, he could stay here short-term (a week or two), but only if he would agree to our rules, daily drug tests, and be actively look for a job. He didn't like that option either. Instead, he proposed that we co-sign a lease and pay the first month of rent--then he would take it from there. We told him that wasn't going to work for us; we would wait until he is clean and has a job before we could talk about an apartment. Naturally, he didn't like that option either.
He came by again a few days later and tried to convince me that his girlfriend and her mother needed $50. The request was so ridiculous, it was alarming. Surprisingly, he agreed to a drug test. It was positive as I had anticipated. When I refused his request, I saw the intensity he used to show when he was actively using and out of money. "You know that PSST group you go to?" "Yes." "Is that why you have become such a bitch?" "If by 'being a bitch', you mean not giving you money, I suppose." He got angry and said go to hell, quickly apologized, then left. I went downstairs and found a hole in the wall. Now it was my turn to be angry.
Next
day he wanted to come by and I said no. He stopped by anyway. Francois asked
him to leave and explained that we are willing to help but only on our terms,
not his. He left although he didn't seem angry this time.Ugh. This
feels like a terrible waiting game--waiting for him to become uncomfortable
enough to want change. Waiting for him to hit bottom, yet hoping his bottom
isn't life threatening. Each night I pray he is safe. We throw out offers of
help that are contingent upon him being clean but he keeps batting them down.
One thing that Lloyd said at the meeting last week really helped: Pierre
This
is the scenario for Francois and I. Pierre
Sadly, I can't say that is the case right now. After leaving the 3/4 house, the past three months have shown a steady decline in his commitment to recovery. He doesn't go to meetings, hasn't held a steady job in three months, and doesn't have a place to stay except for couch surfing with friends. He admits to using but claims it was only 4 or 5 times. Neither Francois or I believe that for a second and his actions confirm our fears. Until last week, he hadn't asked us for anything and we were still able to enjoy his weekly visits.
Last week he asked if we could help him find a place to stay. I told him that our offer of paying rent on a 3/4 house is still valid but obviously he would have to be clean. He didn't like that option. I said if he were clean, he could stay here short-term (a week or two), but only if he would agree to our rules, daily drug tests, and be actively look for a job. He didn't like that option either. Instead, he proposed that we co-sign a lease and pay the first month of rent--then he would take it from there. We told him that wasn't going to work for us; we would wait until he is clean and has a job before we could talk about an apartment. Naturally, he didn't like that option either.
He came by again a few days later and tried to convince me that his girlfriend and her mother needed $50. The request was so ridiculous, it was alarming. Surprisingly, he agreed to a drug test. It was positive as I had anticipated. When I refused his request, I saw the intensity he used to show when he was actively using and out of money. "You know that PSST group you go to?" "Yes." "Is that why you have become such a bitch?" "If by 'being a bitch', you mean not giving you money, I suppose." He got angry and said go to hell, quickly apologized, then left. I went downstairs and found a hole in the wall. Now it was my turn to be angry.
3 comments:
Kudos to both of you for standing your ground with Pierre, in spite of how difficult that is. Pierre knows what he wants - he wants you to subsidize his chosen lifestyle - and he can't figure out why his tactics aren't working. He doesn't seem to realize that when he punched your wall, he was just reminding you why you don't want him back in your home while he is still using.
Brigitte,
I understand and can painfully relate to everything in your post, for Roger and I are living this as well, especially with our recent estrangement from Herman. Roger told me that Herman does not care about us right now, and is most certainly not as affected as me. He is very likely happily living as per his standards (or lack of) surrounded by people who validate his value system . He reiterated basically what Lloyd said. I never really thought of it that way, but it is true...Lloyd said so ;-)
Thank you for your honest and heartfelt post, you helped me tremendously.
Jessica
Brigitte,
Just remember that what Pierre is going through is his problem. You have tried to help and he needs to now do it on his own. He thinks that by manipulating you he will get what he wants. But, you are in control and have the power. Ed too has left and like Jessica said we too believe he doesn't think about us like we think, and worry, about him. He wants to live on his own and not with us, his choice. The nice thing is that now we don't have to live in Crazy town anymore. We can leave and as we drive down the road to our house in Normalville we can breath a sigh of relief. Keep breathing your doing great!
Alice
Alice
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