Moving On - written by Betty
I have wanted to write since sitting at last week's
meeting when so many parents were sharing similar stories of having teenage
adult children, who in spite of all your efforts have chosen to continue to
follow the path of their addictions and the consequences of this life. Along
with the anxiety and fear we cope with when we need to hold fast to our no-active-addiction
boundaries in our homes, for the sake of our other children as well as
ourselves. My heart was breaking as you shared at the meetings as well as this
blog, as I am thinking how many of you I have now met and grown to love as we
have supported and understood, without judgment, what we are dealing with.
I have been thinking, "they are entering into another phase of dealing with their children's addiction after the safety net of juvenile programs and probation has expired, as I have done with my oldest daughter, Dina, for over 15 years now." I am sorry and wish this on no one. Through those years there have been countless efforts to help her help herself. Only, in our case, to have relapse follow each and every time she attempted to get clean. She has been in and out of our lives like a revolving door. It's been rough. I wish I could tell you it hasn't been. There is no easy way of dealing with this. But there is hope, always. In my case, even though Dina has had little clean time, I have been able to let her live her life as she chooses, as I live mine. This has only been possible over time, with program support groups such as PSST and others, therapy and prayer.
As heartbreaking as Jessica's blog posting was for me to read, I was chuckling at the picture of Joan Crawford because Dina has accused me of being like her and has called me Mommy Dearest. I too have been accused of being the main reason for Dina’s drug addiction throughout the years. I know it’s the addiction talking when she is attacking and blaming me for her situation. My response has been to please go to rehab and see a therapist and tell them all about me and the issues you have with me, whatever it takes to get off drugs. Let me share also that as time has passed, Dina has admitted she understands why I could not tolerate her drug use, and why I keep my distance and limit my contact with her.
I know the thought of living with your child’s decision to choose a life of addiction for as long as I have sounds horrifying. That does not necessarily have to be the case for any of you. Most people I have known through support groups do share stories of their loved ones seeking an addiction-free life. Always when they were at the same point some of you are, they made similar decisions about keeping their boundaries, releasing their children with love, and letting them feel the pain and consequences of drug addiction without rescuing them. In other words, letting them hit their bottom.
Even though I started to attend PSST to deal with our youngest daughter’s (Pebble’s) drug addiction, I have heard valuable suggestions to use with Dina as well. Keep in mind there are also other support groups that, in addition to PSST, I can't imagine coping with Dina's lifestyle without. On my own, I could not in any way have done what I have had to do for her, for my family, and for myself. I suggest that you attend support group meetings. And last but not least, Pray.
Betty
4 comments:
Betty,
Although we parents of addicts share commonality in our struggles, each of us also has our own unique situations that we deal with. When I think of you dealing with 2 addicts, I cannot imagine how frustrating & overwhelming that must be.
I admire your courage in dealing with your daughters. You have sacrificed a great deal for them, and you have had to set some very tough boundaries.
Your comment about growing to care for & love the other PSST parents is so very true - the group has become an extended family for me too. We have shared so much pain, joy, and yes, even laughter together.
Jenn
Betty,
Your heartfelt post is the perfect next chapter to the "Worst Mom" posts. Thank you for sharing your story, it seems you have gotten stronger, so there is hope for me.
It is very difficult finding parents who truly get what we all are dealing with. Many ignore, minimize or actually permit behaviors which are destructive and illegal.
I must also add that your reply to my virtual meeting post really helped to jump start the healing process for me, so thank you.
I admire your courage and strength, for it must be extremely difficult dealing with two children with addiction issues.
Jessica
Thanks Betty. You always give a lot at our meetings. When you share one of your situations it's something that benefits the whole group.
Thank you for all your kind words and encouragement. I have learned through the many years of seeking education, coping skills and support groups that by sharing honestly with others my situation it may help someone to at least know you are not alone and by sharing I am giving back or paying forward my dues to all those parents and professionals who were there for me to get me through, pick me up off the floor and help me to Learn how to survive and function with this devastating disease that not only destroys our children buts takes us and our families down with then. It will take you down just as far as you let it or you hit YOUR bottom and learn skills and tools to save you And your family and by doing so you just may and often do save your child in the process.
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