Relapse Is Always An Option Posted by:Brigitte--Tuesday, February 05, 2013

Written by Ralph

It has been a while since I have written an article for the PSST blog. As things settle down, it is easier for the parents of our teens to cope, and for me I haven't needed to express my feelings in a story. However, I wanted to write about an issue for some of the parents that are over the hump, but still living with on-going survival. Jessica Rabbit's recent story about Herman coming home for a couple hours of advice reminded me of this and Ed's relapse last summer.

Understand that Ed and Alice and I are in a much better place now than before. Ed seems to be reliving some of the mid-teen years that he missed. He works on his recovery, but in his own way and with people his own age. (We can't want it more than he does!) Of course, he does this within the bounds of our contract, which is very specialized and tough on specific areas. Life is going smoothly at the Kramden home thanks to recovery and PSST.

Ed doesn't want to be a drug user or use alcohol, but his experience tells his mind that he does and he still fights that all the time. You wouldn't know that to see him, nor does he talk about it, but it's still there.

 

But that's why relapse is still a dark knight, flying over our children, wanting them to go back to the old ways. The Bible/Torah book of Proverbs (Proverbs 26:11) graphically warns that foolish people will return to their folly. It is no different for our teens who are battling former substance abuse. 

Late last spring, Ed was doing great at following our rules and being accountable. He was also asking for more freedom, and we assumed, more responsibility. Alice and I agreed to give him a lot more rope. He had earned it, we believed. A family friend also found Ed a summer job making good wages. It required much more independence on Ed's part. Needless to say, you have probably heard the story at a PSST meeting of how his summer ended -- it didn't end well, and it was only July. Ed ended up skipping work, hanging out with old and bad friends while telling us he was at work, drinking alcohol, and finally "running away" again. I call it running away, but it was really being a county away from where he said he was, after being fired from the job for not showing up. It was a great opportunity to let the dark knight in.

As is bound to happen, Alice and I found out about this when one of his old friends left his car on the road dead and the police called to have it removed. Ed was once again hiding in Weedville, and it only took me about 20 minutes to find where he was hiding. For two or three more days, he hid and then ran from us when we approached him to discuss coming home. Alice and I were much more angry than frightened. We had experience with Ed running before.

On Sunday morning, when Ed knew we would be in church, he came back. To his credit, he didn't break in when he found all the doors locked. Our neighbor, who had been clued in that Ed was on the lamb again, called at the end of church services and we rushed home to have a talk with him. He admitted that he had relapsed on alcohol, but had not done any drugs. He saw this as a good thing, and Alice and I were PSST enough to not argue about it. His relapse was real, but his recovery had kept him from the worst possible outcomes and brought him home very humble. It also helped a lot that Alice and I had run through the scenarios of his return for the last two days and knew our bottom lines and consequences. We discussed our thoughts with Ed calmly, outside on the back porch. My body language told him that we weren't going in to the house and neither was he, in a kind and gently fashion, until the actions and feelings were talked out or at least put on the table for future discussion. After an hour or so, with Alice getting us lemonades and sandwiches at one point, Ed was put on parental house arrest, but welcomed home.

House arrest isn't fun for anyone, though, and it drove Alice up the wall -- when the teen can't leave the house without a parent or relative, then the parents don't have much freedom either. We had to adjust schedules and Alice and Ed were both going stir crazy. But, we didn't give in, and didn't want to get caught giving a consequence that we couldn't live with. Alice and I were putting on our strong fronts, no matter how crazy we felt. Ed knew that he had to earn trust again, so even though he didn't like it, he was accepting of it all. Eventually, Ed earned enough trust back to leave the house on his own again and then made it to his adult contract at 18.

Now to the moral of this story: Relapse often does happen and can happen even when a teen is being good and has lots of clean time. Ed had over two years of clean time when he relapsed. He still likes to count his clean time from his drug use dates, but I'll give him this: Ed now has a clean date and a sober date -- the sober date is just much newer. Your son or daughter will probably relapse, too, so be calm and be prepared, and most of all, be really, really PSST!